Radosh.net

so what if i don't look anything like dick cheney? it's not as though you're a particularly good caricature of george bush! can't we just get back to whatever in god's name it is we're supposed to be doing?! you're really starting to piss off whoever the hell this other guy is supposed to be.

"You can clearly see that our graphics department is far superior to that of your current map supplier."

"Yes, I agree that this map bares only a vague resemblance to the actual shape of the United States, but I'm sure the people participating in the caption contest will be able to deal with that."

"You might want to move your desk, 'cause it totally looks like the Washington Monument is growing out of your head."

"And that's why it would be such a disaster to remove the state of Maine from the country."

or:

"AAAAAUUGHHH he SHOT me - right through the chart!!! Jesus Christ, don't just sit there, call the police! And an ambulance!"

"...to sum up, complex patterns are an effective way of differentiating adjacent areas on a map when color printing is unavailable."

"Oh oh, Spaghetti-O!"

"No, sir, Texas is over here."

An excerpt from the new abstinence-only curriculum: "When a man and a woman love each other very much, the man's circles travel towards the woman's round-things... and God Bless America."

"Right here, on the map that Johnson put together last night, you can see that this paisley pattern in the middle represents the target area, while the polka-dots... Huh? Oh, yes sir, I'll get this suit tailored as soon as I can. For some reason all of my usual muu-muus were missing this morning."

Guy 1: Sir, could you move your head back just a little bit.
Guy in seat: Why?
Guy 1: Err ... because of the glare from the window.
Guy in seat: Oh. Okay. [moves head back a little bit]
*noise off: click from camera*
Guy 1: Did you get it?
[Guy 2 enters shot with a camera around his neck and shaking a polaroid]
Guy 2: Yeah, I got it!
Guy 1: Oh man, that's a fucking blast! [they high five each other]
Guy in seat: What? What's a blast?
Guy 1: Oh, you'll see!
----
Scene 2: A couple of minutes later
----
Guy 2: [Looking at polaroid] That is fucking sweet!
Guy 1: [laughing] That is just perfect!
Guy in seat: Let me look at that [Gets up and grabs polaroid. A smile begins to form] Jesus, that is just too funny!
Guy 2: It totally fucking looks like you've got the Washington Monument growing out of your head!
[all three look at the polaroid with glee on their faces]
Guy holding the chart: Look, can we just get on with this? This work is important and the deadline is tomorrow.
Guy 1: What are you my fucking dad?
Guy 2: Yeah. Jeez, lighten up.
Guy holding the chart: Look, I'm sorry, but I'd like to at least get something on the table for tomorrow's meeting.
Guy in chair [sitting down]: Okay fine, what is this gay-ass problem anyway?

We found that while the South and the Midwest favor the salty crispness of onion rings, New England and the West Coast enjoy the snap and zing of Wasabi peas. So, go figure.

"Stop looking at Cleopatra's Needle and pay attention to this micrograph of the flesh-eating bacteria which ate your nose, Wayne Rogers."

"No, Wayne Rogers, this map just represents the United States, it does not constitute them."

"We believe the Democrats to be encamped here, just across the Rio Grande in New Mexico, Wayne Rogers."

"If it were just your colon it would be fine, Mr President, but as you can see, you are entirely full of shit, and that's a serious medical condition. I don't understand why you haven't succombed to septicemia yet."

"Edward Tufte be damned. Sasha and I worked hard on this chart and we feel it makes our point thoroughly and efficiently, Wayne Rogers."

"I'm beginning to regret the lies."

"Our new electoral strategy will target the kidney bean demographic."

"Just relax and try to focus your eyes on a spot a little behind the poster...."

"Don't worry, all of the flattened-donut-shaped people are still 100% behind you, sir."

Alternately:

"Don't worry, all of the flattened-donut-shaped people are still 100% behind you, Wayne Rogers."

"So if Fitzgerald indicts Hadley, we'll just hide him behind this map."

Try harder! It's Jesus superimposed over America. But you have to BELIEVE for it to work. Scooter and I can totally see it.

"So you see, Senator, when you mess your pants, the area in the middle of your underwear becomes the most infested with poopy paramecium. On the plus side, if it drips out of the bottom right, it looks a bit like Florida."

"You're high again, aren't you, sir?"

"No, I will not recite the statistics in a Mickey Mouse voice."

"And so you see how quickly a flu epidemic could spread, killing hundreds of thousands -- possibly even millions -- of people."

"Finally, sir, our intelligence suggests the French introduced gonorrhea to the United States via the Louisiana Purchase. You might just want to call it 'the clap' at the Security Council."

"Each dot is ten thousand faggots."

"Yes, I realize I don't have a neck. Well guess what? You don't have a nose."

"Which look were you going for with that haircut? Beavis or Butthead?"

"I caught you a delicious booger."

"We call it 'Operation Underpants.'"

"And you'll see that our base of voters here definitively approves of my recent shin extensions by a 4-1 margin."

"And, in conclusion, sir, you'll notice that if I had a beard, I might resemble Bob Balaban."

"Let's do this quick before Gahan comes back and kicks you out of his chair."

"Market research says it could be the next plaid."

"The chart is on the easel. You don't need to hold it anymore."

"And when the bombs start going off, that's when we'll commence the fucking."

"I do realize it's unorthodox, yes, but Johnson here has a yen for the fashions of the 1970s."

"As you can see, if we reduce the electoral system to only three precincts, the most likely outcome is that New England will fall into the Atlantic Ocean."

"Again, let me stress how sorry Herman is that he dropped the avian flu sample into the Mississippi."

"Thanks to Myron here, we can be confident that Oreo will soon dominate the lucrative July 4th cookie market sector."

Look. I'm gonna poke this map with a stick. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke.

I am touching this map with a stick because that other guy put his buggers all over it before he stole Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont and wiped his nose with them.

"As you can see, the midwest is full of pussies, while the rest of the country consists of pricks. Wait, that can't be right..."

----

"Mr. President, please understand that the large nonsensical map you see before you is but a ruse so I might be able to getchernose! For it seems you have none... for *I* have taken it in a cuttingly literate way!"

---

"As you can see, George, the devastation created by the last "The Simple Life" cannot be allowed to be repeated."

---

"I'm lying right now for my own corporate gain."

"I am sorry, but our color printer only handles about 2 dpi."

"I'm dying of cancer."

"This is a map."

"...and this is only one of thousands of these puppy mills in this county alone."

"Our next lot is 'America' by Dick Cheney. Oil on canvas. Starting bid $500,000. Do I hear five-hundred thousand? A starting bid of five-hundred thousand dollars for this one-of-a-kind artwork? Painted by me. Dick Cheney. Frame included. Five-hundred thousand: Who will start the bidding?"

"Translation: We're fucked."

Prostate cancer is funny after all isn't it Senor? See, I can laugh about it because after centuries of failed attempts, South Dakota (or Nebraska) has successfully infected the alamo gland, which rides piggyback atop glandus prostatus Tejanus. Comprende?

"I realize you didn't have any crayons, but finishing the map with bloody imprints of your severed nose is simply UNACCEPTABLE!"