December 1, 2008

Breakfast of Champions

news011a.jpg There goes Michael Phelps' most-sought-after celebrity endorser status. It was a tough choice: make millions as the clean-living, all-American momma's boy... or blow a few months with a topless skank from Las Vegas via Beverly Hills Pimps and Hos.

The late, lamented Radar foretold this, of course. But honestly, after all that color commentary about how Phelps has hands the size of dinner plates, we shouldn't be surprised when he lands a girlfriend with tits the size of Butterballs.

Posted by Daniel Radosh


That rosetta stone commercial made me cringe so hard I cracked a rib. We used to say retarded, then slow, then differently abled and now we say people who don't think good like this guy have ADHD.

He's probably just practicing his breaststroke.

And I suspect his performance on SNL hurt his marketability -- at least in terms of TV ads -- more than any gossip can.

To hell with the skank, he's from BALTIMORE?!?!? People are just not ready to buy salad dressing from a man from Baltimore. And a good thing, too! Baltimorans.

Born and practically bred to earn bread, it is the new American Dream not to make your own fortune, but have your kids do it for you. Is Phelps any more or less than his environment. One day youll be famous Michael, one day youll be the one on the Wheaties box, one day well ALL cash in on you.

Ive got small hands and my face isnt plastered all over gods creation. So if I walked into a family holiday gig with a ridiculously hot Vegas strumpet on my arm itd be high fives all around and the only recrimination would be reserved for my lack of table manners.

Has anyone looked at this guy? Hes a freak of epic proportion quite literally. His parents had to tie gold medal shaped porkchops around his neck to get the dog to play with him for christ's sake. Good for him for scoring a really hot chick in spite of being unattractive and an abysmally poor public speaker.

Frankly, Im looking forward to the surreptitious sex video well surely see come out of this.

I don't get it. Both partiess are unmmarried consenting adults. Are we as a country so tied to the idiotic superstitions of ancient desert nomads that we see anything wrong with them fucking?

Frankly, Im looking forward to the surreptitious sex video well surely see come out of this.

Frame-by-frame will show that he arrived just four hundredths of a second before his partner.

@J.D. What good is your secularist utopia if we can't be judgmental about who celebrities date?

@Dansters -- Ha! A sad day indeed when to be merely rational is to be marginalized as utopian, i.e., unrealisitic. Are you saying AIPAC really does call the media and academia shots in the US?

I'm trying to get my arms around the seeming incongruity of "rational" and "superstitious ancient desert nomads". And theres absolutely nothing wrong with people fucking, although seeing it in grainy poorly lit cell phone video is a total drag.

I suppose it should be noted that the price of celebrity and endorsement contracts is the ridiculously shallow and judgmental nature of a society that loves to tear down its golden calves at least as much as it likes to manufacture them. Im not as freakishly built nor have as strangely a shaped head as Michael Phelps, therefore I deserve to score a totally hot Vegas dancer, waitress, hooker, bi-curious media whore more than he does.

I am jealous. Therefore I am unkind.

But with no harmed spouses or children on either side, the only negative reaction to the sexual liaisons of others would have to be generated by primitive religious delusions. Mainstream media reinforce that paradigm constantly. It does not seem like pandering so much as brainwashing. Cynical TV talking heads beat that drum all day and then go buttfuck with a mega-boss for a juicier job. Weirdness.

@J.D. "harmed spouses or children"? In what sense -- other than offended primitive religious morals -- are spouses or children harmed by the sexual liaisons of others?

You're right, this is fun!

Why is she a skank? Because she's super hot and shows off her beautiful body? I hate that word and I think it's a pretty shitty thing to say.

If I can't denounce, I don't want to be part of your evolution.

Well, in an ideal world children wouldn't care if their parents got a little on the side. But in the current dystopia at least we can go so far as to say that if neither party has a spouse to be hurt, nor children to be confused or mocked or otherwise made to suffer whatever ramifications, then they should be allowed to fuck away with abandon and without censure or even the slightest notice. Otherwise, they are being judged by completey irrational standards set by the usual suspects -- ignorant primitives given to hallucination and mass hysteria millenia ago, or so some mostly uncorroborated tales would have us believe. Btw, the big boy is to be commended for choosing a ho whose reputation among her peers won't suffer in the least, but can only be enhanced by bagging the coveted olympic monster's monstah. Dinner plate-sized hands indeed!

The liaison helps quell rumors Phelps is gay, so it only enhances his bankability as a celebrity endorser.

"But with no harmed spouses or children on either side, the only negative reaction to the sexual liaisons of others would have to be generated by primitive religious delusions"

What about modern aesthetic truths? The truth I refer to is a simple one: they nasty.

Seriously, I don't give a rat's ass, but there are certainly more possible reasons for actual negativity than just TEH CHOSEN PROPHETS AND PEOPLE OF THE LORD!!!!!!! The Soviets were anti-sex and they didn't use oogedy-boogedy as a justification.

Sex nasty? Only when it's good ...

If the Soviets were truly anti-sex, nobody told those legions rustling the bushes in that park across from the Bolshoi Theater night after night.

But seriously, it is my understanding that the Soviets did not suddenly one day land from another planet, but were in fact the same nation which for centuries believed that the invisible tyrant father in the sky of the Israelites would look down and decide their eternal fate based in large part on where they stuck their frozen little peepees. They even believed this omnipotent cloud demon acted through their divine Tsarist monarchs. Stalin used his people's propensity for faith in this childish lunacy to maintain his iron grip upon them. However (anecdotal evidence alert) this humble correspondent never personally noticed, pre-Mr. Gorbachev, diminished sex drive among those in that part of the world. Animal libido is what it is, and repression some say causes it to explode. (Perhaps one of you could give us a first-hand account?) Look at Al Jolson, son of a Cantor, known for requiring a chorus girl to service him in his dressing room before each performance.

By bringing up failed 20th century political experiments, we are getting dangerously close here to the litany of the fanatically religious of the Judeo-Christian bent, who predictably cite Stalin, Pol Pot, Mao and, quite erroneously, Hitler, as regimes which were atheistic, and that because of atheism, this laundry list of evildoers introduced for the first time oppression and atrocity to humanity in the 20th century, in a world which hitherto, apparently, had been a paradise of universal peace and brotherhood.

Are you daft? If you can't conceive of another reason to comment humorously or disparagingly on someone else's sex life than sex-hating Abrahamism then you have a serious lack of imagination. The Greeks and Romans did it, the Dutch and Swedes and Danes do it, even educated LaFontaines do it (I assume). It's fun. People like sex, people like talking about sex, people like sex so much they will talk about the wholly irrelevant sexual choices of people they've never met. The world does not [always] revolve around your disdain for Super Sweet Jesus and His Foreboding Forebears, which I [largely] share.
Good night.

Perhaps it is useful to look to our hairy great ape relatives whom we're told possess upwards of 99% identical DNA to us, who run naked (tee-hee!), fuck (heavens!) and suck (gasp!) and even piss on each other (oh lord!) with abandon out in the open while no bystanders in their community bat an eye. One might think it is that 1% DNA difference that prevents them from tittering, blushing and pointing fingers as many modern humans do, or executing the lusty revelers in their midst by stoning as the ancient Hebrews did and some Muslims still do because their imaginary king in the clouds commands it, or, in the case of two men together, imprisoning as George Bush advocated throughout his term as Texas governor, or brutally slaughtering as confused teenage boys often feel compelled to do because "it ain't right -- God din't create no Adam and Steve."

I honestly think sexual shame, which is really what we are talking about here, is a matter of conditioning in a society bullied by primitive folklore perennially imposed by religious hucksters, manipulated media and oppressive tyrannical criminal government.

Now I don't wish to brag, but I have spent some time in human environments where sex in the open was de rigeur, where the beast with two backs was a ubiquitous part of the landscape. We are after all great apes, and when left to our own devices pursue our animal impulses with the best of them. That getting to the point of being left to said own devices requires a dose of drugs or alcohol, a weekend in Vegas, or sanctioning by a certified interpreter of the angry invisible sky father who knows if you've been bad or good, is simultaneously very sad and quite hilarious.

For all I know it may well be that lesser apes cluck censoriously about the friction-to-orgasm exploits of their neighbors sans Levitical opprobrium -- the fidgety gibbon perhaps?

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