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June 28, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #246

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon.

Anti Cap 246 electric chair in board room.jpg

For last week's winner go here.

NOTE:Even in the face of persistent ridicule and chronic laziness, I have been uploading (and judging) the Caption Cartoon for several months. I have done this without serious incident.or meaningful reward. Now, it seems, there's some technical glitch. Let's not panic. I do not know who is at fault (although it's certainly not me!) but here's the deal: When I went to the site that enables me to upload the Anti-Cap Contest, I got this snotty little message: "Access denied for user." As you might imagine, I'm like, "Excuse me?" This SNAFU comes on the heels of complaints that last week's contest stopped accepting entries after 115.. At first, I gave it no mind, but now it's taken a serious turn as I am unable to post this week's cartoon .So, until we get this figured out I am putting the latest cartoon on my blog. Use the comments section to post your captions, I have not yet selected last week's winner, I went to a BBQ and there was a fireworks display in the park near our house so I'll have to get back to you.. (Happy Birthday America!!) -alinla


If you think you have the balls to sit in the Old Man's chair, you go for it Slick!

Where the hell can he be? Do you think he knows we're going to terminate him.

...terminate him?

My bad, next time I'll use the preview.

Don't worry, the dildo is brand new.

It's a hybrid.

"Negroes sit at the back of the bus. Jews sit at the head of the table."

"Man you should have seen the last boss. Flames and smoke came out of her head, and there was even blood, and she was still kicking. It better not take as long this time. I have a lunch date with Linda.

“We just want to see you a little more amped up.”

"We're BP, and it represents the American consumer. Nice new logo!"

"C'mon, McGaugh. Do you really think we'd electrocute you?"

We're the Electric Company, what did you expect the CEO would sit in?

The amperes here are obscene.

That's not what I meant by "giving her the shocker".

"I hope when it's your turn you will have the good sense not to defecate double-D's on the floor."

"It's called objet d'art."

"Here at the One Hand Only Corporation we decided we needed some sort of distraction for the clients."

The thing on top is a reading lamp, I swear.

Since Jones here forgot the trimming shears, we'll test it out on baldy.

"The board recognizes the chair. It's Ted Bundy's."

So we came up with this new slogan: "I'm not just the President, I'm also a customer." What do you think, Mr. President?

"This baby will even straighten out YOUR Jew-Fro"

"It's actually a toilet."

Well this is the way I was taught to play Russian Roulette.

"Here at Barbaric.com we don't believe in Casual Fridays."

"You gotta hand it to the boss -- the guy just keeps plugging away!"

"OK, it's weird, but not as weird as that bar code over there tattooed on the back of Konrad's head."

"Budget for a new break room microwave is denied. On an unrelated note, all Jews now have to wear the company-approved yarmulke while holding a bag of microwave popcorn."

"...and then we'll remove the straps once the hair dryer goes on."

"The 'small people' have decided to electrocute you for being so fucking stupid."

"The chair? We put it there to distract you so Henderson could poison your coffee. You'll be dead in thirty seconds."

"Is it dangerous? That depends on how you define danger. Would you believe far more people are killed in accidents involving dishwashing machines every year?"

"Let's play musical chairs!" ~ my forty-four year old daughter

Hey fellas. I just wanted to tell you guys that I got chills, they're multiplying.
And I'm losing control,
Cause the power you're supplying
It's electrifying!

"Look, Billy, we're not here to discuss whether or not a 'corporation' has the same personality traits as what you call a 'psychopath.' All we know is that when a memo comes from corporate we're expected to act on it."

What the fuck is this? When I told Bill to bring Capital Punishment to the next board meeting, I was talking about Big Pun's first album, "Capital PUNishment."


"Look, we're not mad, we just want to know: Did you mess with the hair growth machine?"

"It's on loan from MoMa's design collection."

“Well....., yeah, I think you’ll find it eclectic too.”

"Remember we are Pacific Gas & Electric . . . that's why there's a gas chamber at the other end of the table."

"Fine. We won't play Musical Chairs then . . . there's just no sense of fun around here anymore."

"Oh? Well, our branch in Salt Lake City has a firing squad."

"Electricity, you stupid bastard! That's how we expect you to die."

“’Why’, you ask? Because the guillotine just seemed so . . . so . . . so 18th century.”

“Don’t say anything when he comes in. Let’s just see if he notices it before he sits down.”

Let me tell you fellas, since winning the real Caption Contest and placing second the Anti-Cap, I am feeling less inclined to use this thing on myself.

Still not talking, eh? Guys, strap in in the chair, and then, maybe...Oh shit. He doesn't have a mouth.

Should say..

Still not talking, eh? Guys, strap him in in the chair, and then, maybe...Oh shit. He doesn't have a mouth

No, Mr. Bond, I expected you to die. All it did was give you the frizzies.

"Hey, that's not funny."

"You're in my chair."

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to fry.

220... 221... whatever it takes.

"Your turn, Daryl -- get in the chair and tell us what you did to meet our sales goals this week."

"Any volunteers to chair today's meeting?"

"It's part of Washington's new corporate regulatory scheme."

Okay... Kosar here thinks it's LeBron's turn for the big chair. All those in favor say

"Let me tell you boneguy, since giving my mother-in-law a Dirty Sanchez after raping a chimpanzee, I am feeling less inclined to use this thing on myself."

When Gore comes in asking if we've gone Green, tell him we
went the extra Mile
Stephen King Style!

"Now that the season's over, let's open the table for discussion on the retrial of Kobe Bryant for rape."


"Yes Mr. Bond, we expect you to come up with something less obvious than 'fry.'"

"Higgins, if you can look beyond the I'm dying an unimaginably horrible death part, that chair's better than a bus ride for reaching a vibrating, scrotal Nirvana"

"Shut up, Bob! Everyone knows it's dress down fry day."

"Hey tribble head, what's your last meal request?"

"We need to start generating some buzz."

"You know, we wouldn't have to have these postmortems if you guys would spend just a little more time pressing the flesh."

"I agree that this is a pretty killer app, but what if we took a shotgun approach instead?"

"Thanks Larry for testing out this sweet new perm machine."

"Don't you know a metaphor when you see one?"

"It used to take quarters, but now you just scan the bar code on the back of Mort's head."

"...And, it's a double-throw single-pull, Bitch!"

Frankenstein will be here in less than five minutes; do we go with AC or DC?

No Mr. Bond, alinla normally doesn't trash our entries until the contest is closed. Let's give him the chair.

This is gonna be fucking hilarious; I just slipped a whoopee cushion on his seat!

Shit! I forgot to ask him if it hurts.

So, what we need is for you to write an opinion explaining why this isn't torture.

Certainly, Anonymous' sexual behavior will raise a few eyebrows, but if we ignore his obvious cry for help, no chimps or cougars will be safe.

"Call me old-fashioned, but I think that chair is out of place for this jury room."

"I wouldn't worry about it . . . we haven't paid our electric bill in months."

“I think we’re all a little tired of the old man’s ‘fire-breathing/smoking ears’ as just a metaphor."

“C’mon . . . just try it. Nothing’s gonna’ happen, I promise. Just one time. C’mon, you big pussy . . .”

"Well, short of crucifixion, Mr. Hayward, our PR department told us frankly this was the best direction for British Petroleum at this moment. Not us. Just you."

“I’m sorry . . . I understood the theme of this meeting to be ‘elocution’ . . .”

"The volts are obscene."

"When the boss comes in, act natural. When the police show up, look surprised."

"Yes I'm holding hands with this young man, and yes, we are engaged. Anyone who has a problem with it, they know where they can sit."

"Holy FUCK I have to take a shit."

"You may be wondering something right now: Why does the gentleman across from us have a bar code implanted on his scalp? He still chalks it up to youthful indiscretion but we like to say it's because he is a value to our company."

I see you've wiped that smirk off your face.

Not only does it run 50,000 volts of hot, murderous eletricity through you, it doesn't even swivel.

May I warm that coffee for you?

The post-mortums can be pretty darm embarressing--we suggest you use the men's room now to avoid suchlike.

"Let's just give McGaugh a few more minutes."

Could you do me a solid and hold onto my Swanson's Pot Pie? Lunch is happening as soon as you're dead!

"Hey, I'm over here, Mr. Curious!"

"I've got the thing until seven o'clock..what'ya say?"

"Now, wouldn't you be surprised if he came back?"

"Sure, it's sixties, but I think it works here."

"I guess you start counting backwards...."

"It's the only way we can get rid of the women and blacks without being discriminatory."

"Well, back in my day, Mr. Eisner, this used to be known as an E-Coupon ride!"

"At the moment, it's the cheapest seat on StubHub®."

The penalty for screwing the boss's daughter may come as a shock to you.

"Star Trek XIII: Where the fuck is the Gorn? I'm gonna prime-direct current his sorry lizard ass until he starts firing Tholian webs out his intergalactic ovipositor."

"So any ideas on how we can pitch this account?"

"I know its barbaric and painful and countries around the world condemn us because of it, but we are still going to do annual performance reviews."

"We forgot a wet sponge, may I use your hair?"

We believe we've found a cure for the 4 hour erection. Oh, and we're promoting you to head of product testing.

"On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of his true miracles, what am I gonna say? That it was my job? My job?"

"And then we bring the parrots back."

That cta is so insensitive, perhaps if we electrocute him, he'll have a little more respect for what poor Konrad had to endure in getting that tattoo.

"You knew we were going to grill you today. Did you think we were kidding?"

You can't sit there. It's either at the head of the table or on my lap. If it helps your decision, I'm not wearing pants.

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