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June 21, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #245

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon.
anti cap 245 sailboat wreck tea cup.jpg

WINNER (Tie)
Wipe that damn smirk off your face. The voluminous ejaculate from your improbably large penis to which I'm clinging for dear life is contaminating a perfectly good cup of coffee. -- Eric G

WINNER (Tie)
The fear was that they stood to lose their lives to the storm. The irony was that it would be the gastric acids of an 8-year old that would take them screaming to their deaths in a sea of bile. -- Glenn

SECOND PLACE
The Franklin Mint proudly offers this priceless teacup commemorating of the near drowning of Simon LeBon for three low payments of 17.99 + S&H. -- boneguy .

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Gesundheit.-- Deja vu

For additional Honorable Mentions and a Judge's Comment for each winner go here.

Comments

"Picture you upon my knee
just tea for two and two for tea just me for you
and you for me..."

"No, I will not 'buck up.' And for what it's worth I'm not sure 'A rising tsunami lifts all boats' is a saying. Or even an apt metaphor, come to think of it."

"Teacup? Teacup? You ass, it's a porringer!"

"It's the perfect storm... in a teacup."

"I'll feel a lot better when we get to dry biscuit."

"You know that expression 'storm in a teacup'? You don't really appreciate it till you've been in an actual storm in an actual teacup."

"I told you something strong was brewing."

"Don't worry Mr. Hayward. It's just a little yacht race. No one will mind if you attend."

I can't even fathom how deeply we are in trouble.

Buck up, Nigel, it's not so terrifying if you calmly assess how we can just stand up and reach the edge in one step.

A fitting end for the HMS Cliche.

"No, Steven, I'm afraid it must be real; we're far too poorly rendered to be trompe-l'oeil."

The fear was that they stood to lose their lives to the storm. The irony was that it would be the gastric acids of an 8-year old that would take them screaming to their deaths in a sea of bile.

"You have to put the situation in perspective! Because Gahan Wilson sure as hell didn't!"

The only thing that saved Kevin that day was an unusual fetish that involved climbing and then rubbing his genitals against the top of the ship's mast. The rest of the crew died.

For God's sake, don't just sit there staring at us, drink the damn tea!

In a brief moment of clarity, it occurred to Joe that joining the Tea Party movement might have been rather naive.

BP's afternoon tea reading

This is what happens when you cross your "T"s

"Folgers, good till the last man drops."

"Hold on, just a few more stokes of this huge pole and we'll have enough cream for your coffee, Mr. Cheney."

"I've heard of a tempest in a teapot, but this is most unexpected."

"When you said "tempest in a teacup" I assumed you were referring to the Shakespeare Romance, his final staged production, in which the charcter of Prospero is delivers a touching farewell speech that many see as Shakespeare's own message announcing his intention to retire to Avon, the land of his birth. Instead, we're both going to die."

"Hold on, I see Land-O-Lakes Butter and some toast."

"Oh no, it's Mr. Bond and he expects us to die."

"I told you to take the south current not the north current, Mr. Tidy Bowl Man!"

"Hold on! I haven't seen 'er blow like this for Oolong time!"

"Ah Splenda! Ah Humanity!"

East Indian Coffee - It's damn good coffee. Arrrrggggggghhhh!

In New England they have Nor'easters. In England they have NorTeasters. And they are not to be fucked with.

"Ordinary Coffee: Insert hilarious Conrad and Buck Jarrett reference here."

I imagine that Gordon Lightfoot's song about this wreck will be several verses shorter.

"Nor is this worthy of reworking the Tragically Hip's 'Nautical Disaster'"

"Please, Al, stop doing such vast quantities of acid."

"Is nothing sacred!"

Oh, no, not a cruller! Not a fucking cruller!

"This mission is a total disaster! I knew should've signed on with the miniaturized submarine crew."

"We might have made it if you hadn't collided with those damn sugar cubes."

"There's a gale in my soup."

The stirrers here are mean.

This isn't the America's Cup, asshole.

"Help us and together we'll sue the makers of Soylent Coffee."

One winner and no runners-up or honorable mentions last week. I don't give a fuck if I drown or not.

The Franklin Mint proudly offers this priceless teacup commemorating of the near drowning of Simon LeBon for three low payments of 17.99 + S&H.

"Stay tuned to TBS for 'Movie in your Breakfast'. Today's feature: 'The Truman Show'."

"Don't worry, it's a protective cup."

"Giiilllliiiiigaaaaannn!!!"

If you don't get me out of here right fucking now, I'm gonna leave a stain in this cup you'll never get out!

If you don't get me out of here right fucking now, I'm gonna leave a stain in this cup you'll never get out!

Fucking Wilson, always making a big deal out of nothing!

"Overall, it's still the least disturbing tea party I've witnessed all year."

"Oh God, how it burns!"

Worst. Pole dancer. Ever.

"Fuck you, Aslan!"

"Star Trek XII: Darmok 2 --Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra: Kirk and Gorn in Coffee (with hands clenched)."

"It's cappuccino, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?"

Oh My God! She is going to add the Sanka! Jesus Christ! Who still uses Sanka?

"How 'bout a nice big cup of drowning, you diminutive losers?"

High tea. High seas. I hate 'em both, but combine them and it's a real bitch.

"Hey, Bob, you were right! From up here I can see -- the world IS round!"

"I've decided I like 'teabagging' better than 'teaboating'! Two nuts dying in a whole cup is worse than dying to cup two nuts in a hole!"

"We're fucked, just like those people trying to caption this."

Who says going out for a cup of coffee is a safe first date?

Oh shit, we're captionsizing.

Cue the sun.

"I'll probably never get another chance to tell you this, Derek, but I've always secretly been in love with you."

"All the times I've heard that saying and I never realized that it meant utterly fucked."

It's a tempest in a teaPOT, not a teaCUP. Caption accordingly folks.

"Sailboat in a teacup? Dumb fuckin' idea. I should just put the guy on a bridge."

As the wind took my last precious cup of tea, spinning it away into the gloom and the spray, I saw, for one instant, reflected in its impossibly smooth surface, my own terrified face -- and my very first glimpse of the hull-eating zombies who had brought this seeming end upon me, whose fates would later prove to be inextricably entwined with my own, and whom I would come to know in ways more intimate than I had ever imagined possible.

"Say... aren't you the map navigator of that 16 year old girl who tried to sail around the world???"

"The sea was angry that day, my friends... Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli" ... George Costanza

'Sargent Dan... Your legs! They grew back!"

"Best... acid... ever!"

The boaters here are caffeined.

Hey George, the ocean's running low on *shrimp*!!! (I thought of this before Johnny V's post)

Walrus penis ahoy!

This is why I prefer women with a larger cup size.

Get away from me! Now, grab hold of the rim, the rim of the CUP, pervert.

We are fucked. Fucked, fucked, and we're getting a divorce. You look so fucking stupid right now and I want a divorce.

Is this a cup of tea or am I in Satan's asshole right now? Right, I am Satan's asshole. Fuck you.

We did not accept Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior!

Who gives a rats ass about antioxidant, I say this green tea tastes like SHIP!

"well, the Jerk Store called... they are all out of YOU!" ....George Costanza.

We were doing just fine until some jerkwater tilted us, cup and all, at a 45 degree angle

"I asked for decaf, you asshole"

"George, we're about to die, so I have to tell you something -- I've been pissing in the tea this whole trip!"

They're actually having a wonderful trip. This is just how beings in the alternate teacup universe show happiness and contentment.

You call this a storm, Poseidon? Ha ha. I haven't even lashed myself to this mast. I've sailed flat Coke bottles with more fizz than this!

Holy crap! Two inch waves! We're doomed.

One more sip by that Parkinson suffering giant and we will crest over the brim to freedom. Now remember our pact: no mention of cannibalism in the memoir.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to drydock.

The oils here are obscene.

Kamikazes, those crazy bastards! How the hell are you gonna save us?

Lipton's new Cup-a-death.

"We're going to sail off the lip of the known teacup and into the unknown saucer abyss below!"

Funny, this reminds me of that kids book "Little Toot". Whew! What a day in the library that was.

"Fine! It's not a tempest in a teacup OR teapot! It's a cyclone in a coffee cup! Is that better, you alliterative bastard?"

"No I didn't say 'I saw a frigate', I said, 'Aw, frig it!'"

"Hella funny, God, but I'm ready for my cup to overfloweth now."

Thank Poseidon you had a pubic hair floating in your cup; now I can do a proper job of lashing myself to this mast!

Help! We're sinking!

"This truly is Brownian motion in Brobdingnag!"

"I think I have a right to this 'pouty faced look'. Hey, idiot, stop chewing what's left of the boat!"

"Gesundheit."

The story of two Mexicans, one tiny boat and a ratty sail adrift in a turbulent sea of cafe' con leche- Be sure to see "Cuatro Cinco".

"I think BP's new containment strategy leaves something to be desired."

Wipe that damn smirk off your face. The voluminous ejaculate from your improbably large penis to which I'm clinging for dear life is contaminating a perfectly good cup of coffee.

"One by one I'm putting those allegations to rest."

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