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June 14, 2010

Bonus Anti-Cap Contest!

al in la

anti cap chasing guy in office.jpg

ORIGINAL ANTI-CAP WINNER As selected by D. Radosh 4/16/06
No! He's being strangled by his own necktie and those men are trying to help him! Jesus, you're negative and morbid and possibly psycho." �simsburybear

UP-DATED ANTI-CAP WINNER As selected by al in la 6/21/10
"Between you and me? Sam didn't really rape a blind 10-year old girl and than leave her to die in a garbage dump. I just sent that email to liven things up around here." --SADD


"He's late posting the cartoon again."

"It's really very simple, just sort throught the captions and pick the funniest ones. Your predecessor loved the job but had to leave for reasons I can't go into right now."

"So tell me ... why did you leave your last job?"

"Yes, I think ALinLA is working out quite nicely... why do you ask?!"

We expect Mr. Bond to die."

"The position isn't available... yet"

"Well... He DID start it!"

"Don't worry. It's just Roger McGaugh."

"Yes, we're very strict about term limits around here."

"I have just one question: Why did you pee the name Cheney in my rug?"

"His name's Fusilli. And he's a crazy bastard."

he tried to go anti-capless

"Management has decided to move in a new direction."

We have a zero tolerance policy here for homosexuality (and Roger McGaugh).

"If you meet your quota, you'll do very well. But I have to warn you, every year we eliminate the bottom 10% of our workforce."

"For the first six months, we don't actually give you a target. You are the target."

"Just tell me about your strengths. If we hire you, that's when we'll start looking for your weaknesses."

"Let's imagine a hypothetical situation in which you are being attacked by three men, one with a gun, one with a baseball bat and one with an ax. How would you react?"

"Him? We caught him in his office having his way with an alligator."

"Do you think this desk makes my cock look small?"

Thanks for sharing this bonus cartoon. But I don't quite understand what it's trying to convey.

"Good work on the emergency response plan, Duane. You never know when a handgun, a whiffle ball bat, and a pole axe might come in handy."

"Can you carry an axe better than that guy?"

"What did you see yourself doing a few years ago?"

"How fast can you run?"

"Welcome to Arizonia! You're not Mexican, are you?"

"Don't worry, he's retarded. This cartoon's a 're'-run."

"So a gunman, a guy with a bat, and an axe-wielder walk into a bank... hey, why the long face?"

Do you have any experience running in a mob while carrying a pitchfork or a torch?

I like the open air office design, but it doesn't really fit in with the nondescript warehouses on the adjacent corners.

This is why I love being in organized crime. People dress nicer than those gang members and you can work indoors more.

Oh, and one last thing: casual Fridays are now Casualty Fridays.

I'm going to be very up front. If you need every little random act of violence explained to you, you're probably not
Pensky material.

Yes, sir. We can make it look like an accident. Just take a look here at one of our colorful brochures.

"If hired, where do you see yourself being buried?"

"Oh, that guy was caught trying to bone the office cat without any foreplay...not any at all."

"No, I wouldn't say we're overly competitive. Where did you hear that?"

"The funny thing is, those three guys with the weapons don't even work here."

“So, you’re a film buff, Mr. Whitmore? Are you familiar with Cornel Wilde in ‘The Naked Prey’?”

“Oh, we’ll keep you running, Mr. Wilson, don’t you worry about that!”

“Well, it’s your lucky day, Mr. Johnson. Looks like there’ll be an opening after all!”

“Yes, we do take our Dress Code seriously around here. A suit or sport coat is mandatory . . . unless you’re carrying the axe, of course.”

"Suffice it to say that the purpose of Workplace Violence Awareness Week has been misunderstood."

"In Russia, job lands you...in the hospital."

"No, Mister Keller, your deafness should not be a problem in this position - you would not fucking believe what's going on! Ack, did I just use the F-word?

"Wow! That guy's a pussy."

"Working here at Zamboni... I guess you might say it can be an unusual place to work. For one thing, you've probably noticed the offices are designed to look like a hockey rink. Cool, huh? And for another, we're a proud Italian-American company, so we tend to threaten, extort, and maim people who don't do stuff right. Capiche?"

"Between you and me? Sam didn't really rape a blind 10-year old girl and than leave her to die in a garbage dump. I just sent that email to liven things up around here."

"You've heard of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill,' I assume? Yes, well this is just the Sicilian version."

"Well, it's true, our current redundancy package leaves some room for uncertainty but don't you think the planes would cost a lot, Mr. Atta?"

[retro cartoon gets retro caption]

"Do you work well with others?"

"They're gonna put an anti-cap in his ass."

"We've had a few problems with Nazi Zombies lately but despite that this is a great company to work for."

"Actually, could you start today?"

"Er...Mr. Williams, since you're interviewing me, shouldn't you be sitting behind the desk?"

"Mr. Anon-Mouse, stop playing footsies and put your shoes on, your corns are smelling up my office."

"Oh look - they're playing one of our office games. I guess Harry's the negro this time."

The hours here are mob scene.

“Number One Rule around here? Leave your personal issues at home.”

"One word, and I mean one word of this, and you're next. GOT IT! By the way, you're hired, you mother-fucking son-of-a-bitch."

Understand that one condition for your employment is you bring your own weapon. We don't need another Axey-come-Lately if you know what I mean!

Fight Club was the beginning, now it's moved out of the basement, it's called Project Mayhem.

"Just try not to lose any of your existing accounts. If you do, it affects the whole group bonus."

"If you do well here you may get bumped up to the Daily Show."

"We've decided that it's the only way we're going to win the Corporate Challenge Road Race."

"Ok, here's my final interview question: If you are chasing an unarmed man, would you choose an axe, a bat or a handgun?"

"Sheesh, cta is in trouble again! Oh, that reminds me I have to explain our rules of de minimis use of the internet"

"Well, I should probably tell you... We're currently in the midst of a hostile takeover."

I bet that's the last time Tony Hayward comes to buy his shrimp wholesale.

No, you misheard me. I said we were herding the thin.

"...and if some of the other guys want to fuck you, it's best to let them have their way."

"Here at AIG we pride ourselves on -- Oh crap! Who let the public in again? Run!"

"Around here we call it Incredibly Excitable Fridays."

Oh Mike, that reminds me we have to get better at submitting those timesheets.

That's just the one guy who didn't buy-in on the Kobe\MVP love fest

"Winning the office pool AND reminding everyone that Kobe likes to ass-rape concierges was just too much for the guys to take."

Oh, That's just Anonymouse, McGaugh, et. al. playing Keystone Caps.

I'm a big fan, Mr. alinla, but judging caption contests isn't really a job skill.

"It's part of our 'don't ask, don't tell' policy."

It took a while, but we finally found the guy who designed the blowout preventer.

I hope BP stands for 'bulletproof'

Oh, you know how it is — boys will be boys!

Let's hurry and wrap this up; the office party has apparently already started.

You're not an asshole too, are you?

We have a very strict sexual harassment policy here at Ducks Unlimited.

Oh jeez, they're going to kill that poor man! Quick, what's the number for nine one one?

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to hire.

"Oh, it's nothing. We've just adopted a new exit interview strategy."

They made up the Mets' outfield in '07. Don't worry, they can't catch anything.

We need a spokesman here at BP who is a little more, er, evasive.

What I mean by "severance package" will become clearer to you when they bring me this guy's nut sack.

"He tried to submit one of the original entries."

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to apply.

you don't want to fuck with Shady Inc. Cause Shady Inc. will fucking kill you.

"This week, it's a fight to the death. There can only be one winner."

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