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June 7, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #244

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
Anti cap 244 aligator on back in office.jpg

"I think now she's right about here. Sorry about bringing him in on 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day'."-- LV

"Don't be naive, Barbara."--Mike Mariano

"He ate the dog that ate my winning lottery ticket."--dwilk

For additional Honorable Mentions and a Judge's Comment for each winner, go here.


"No I can't come to the CEO's office immediately, Miss Jones. I have an erection."

"He's sleeping...with my wife. Don't tell anybody."

"Do my tears look real to you?"

"And who exactly is complaining about my new painting?"

"Because it's Bring Your Wife To Work Day, asshole!"

Yes, I'm taking requests. What can I play for you?

Would you like to hear crocodile rock?

No, Miss Findlay, I asked to to find me a tile rep!

"Don't be naive, Barbara."

"See you later, Joan."

"It's the new A-Pad. It looked much cooler when Steve Jobs used it."

His heart finally stopped, Mrs, Cheney.

"All BP employees get to have one dead animal for the day. It's supposed to give us empathy."

"I'll bet Urban Meyer is cheering right now."

(ack - s/b Jimbo Fisher)

"Actually he was here before we put up this building and the Fish and Wildlife Act required that we keep him right where he was."

"Could you give us a moment, please? My friend here thinks he's a crocodile, when, of course, we know he's not."

"Never mind...I found my wallet."

Jones, from Global Sales, hasn't been to work since Tuesday, so I thought I'd look

Tastes remarkably like chicken.

"This won't help...it has a cloaca."

"I've been working on it for a week, and I'm pretty sure this is the top."

"I'm constantly torn between the desire to create, and the desire to destroy."

"Sela, later...alligator."

"Wanna bite of my sub?"

They said I could get anything so I asked for a Damian Hirst.

I was sitting here taking a dump when BAM!, this hit me like a ton of bricks.

Damn, they're ticklish.

"His chin is all the way down here. If you take your shirt off, I'll find yours."

"Crikey! Don't you know how to knock??"

"One by one I'm putting those allegations to sleep."

...alligator bags....to match the ones under our eyes.

"I'm going to unleash him the next time Perkins mentions the 'elephant in the room' or Johnson calls Google an '800lb gorilla'."

"Make sure your video camera's rolling when the lights go down in the conference room at 3 o'clock. I've got a great idea for a viral video."


"I'm taking your advice and technique to get that promotion."

"Can't you knock before entering."

"It's exactly what you think."

"We're working on her shorthand."

"He died from global warming, Tipper."

"She's gone; it looks like Betty White is the last of them."

"Happy Anniversary! Try on the Alligator teeth necklace I bought you."

"I'll have a ham on rye. And for Mr. Gator...just send in McGaugh."

"Just one more time, Audrey, show me where B sharp is."

"Sorry! It won't be so limp in a few minutes! I took some Viagra, which is highly recommended for reptile dysfunction."

He went to MIT and can't read, or Harvard and can't count.

"What do you mean, folks say I can't get it up?! That's a croc -- !"

"I don't know what's wrong with him. I called the doctor, I called the nurse. Thank goodness you're here!"

The devourers here are serene.

"The quarterly reports? Oh, sorry, tell the boss that my gator ate them!"

"Hey, while he's asleep, come check this out; he's hung like a blue-belly."

"Mr. Tebow wants to see me!? One minute. Tell him I'm putting the 'gay' back in his Gator"

"He ate the dog that ate my winning lottery ticket."

"I might be a fuckin' kick-ass CPA, but alligator husbandry is my passion."

Star Trek XI: JTK, in brazen violation of the Prime-Directive, much to the chagrin of Yoeman Rand and much to his own disappointment, attempts the little-known Vulcan Umbilical-meld on the recently-subdued Gorn. Man Lizard hijinks ensue."

"Don't give me any of your crap . . . at least it's not an exploding phone!"

———Is it just me, Detective Brass . . . or do these CSI plots just get weirder every week?———

"I don't know what's wrong with him. I called the doctor, I called the nurse... Thank goodness you're here!"
(now with ellipses for your reading pleasure)

———Hey, Miss.Fashionista . . . it matches my shoes, doesn———t it???———

He's a bit out of his element. You don't often see an alligatorinla.

I can handle the chest compressions, but I need you for the mouth-to-mouth, Ms. Lovelace.

"Which is a better name for her - The Spy Who Caiman from the Cold, or She Caiman Through the Bathroom Window?"

"His name is Alligator Ali and he's just resting for his next fight."

"Why, yes, we do sell tickets here for the big Alligator-Ade benefit concert."

"I never noticed how weird your face is, Nancy."

"You forgot the silverware."

"Quick! I need Gator-Aid!"

"Did you bring a couple of midgets?"

"Janet told me you've been dying to fuck a guy with a huge croc. Well, do you believe in fate? Because she also mentioned your physically requiring a freakishly small penis."

———I don———t really know . . . but he does answer to the name of ———Dundee———.———

———Excuse me, Miss Jones . . . do we still have the Mutual of Omaha account?———

———It———s a paperweight . . . why do you ask?———

"Miss Jensen, my blow-up doll seems to have sprung a leak! Did you let Tony Hayward and his tiny prick come in here?"

"Poor fellow! He ate both Stephen King and Dan Brown this morning. Now I think he's suffering from writers cramp."

"Can't you see you're in my way now? Don't you know you cramp my style?"

"Please tell my 4:30 I'll be a couple minutes late -- I just have to give Barnabus here his happy ending."

"Your `Florida late-term abortion' is complete, Ms. Jackson. I can feel him in here...and here...and there's some more down here."

I'm afraid this crocodile is done, Dee.

"I have to agree with Pat on this one...a) no tits, b)an alligator, c) worst intern EVER!"

"I don't know much about the stock market, but this alligator's teeth are uncanny trend predictors."

"Ms. Williams, please let me know when my tie is back in style and...oh yes, get rid of this alligator. He's dead."

He has your overbite, yet his skin is softer to the touch.

Reptilian, you cold-blooded bitch! How the hell are you not related?

"There's a gator in the office, he's calling my name, And a saying come on boy, you better make it back home again. Fwop, bop, bam, boom."

"A pipe made from a beer can is so 90's... get ready to smoke some croc pot."

I'm trying to turn him into a trained killer, but he doesn't seem to have the stomach for it.

———Stand way back, Miss Perkins . . . when I rub his tummy, he wags his tail.———

———It———s not a purse . . . it———s a man bag.———

———Well, in my culture, Little Miss Bigot, interspecies relationships are not only tolerated, they are celebrated!———

———Yes, many make that same mistake, Ms. Phillips. Actually it———s a Samsonite and I can go a full week with just this one bag.———

Full belly, you crazy bastard! Who the hell's in there?

"I won it on eBay. It's Kierkegaard's piano. Existential, isn't it?"

I think we can work him up to catching a frisbee in his mouth, but plastics may not do the job in this case.

Gator? I barely knew her!

"The book said to start with animals, then try co-workers. Miss Anders, take off your fucking clothes!"

Fuck the Endangered Species Act. I've got an oil company to run.

I'm afraid the poor bastard was D.O.A., much like
that other anti-cap contest.

Good news, he's willing to work for scale.

In here it's Milburn and Miss Jane and for this three-way to work stay away from his teeth.Ellie May says he's a Clampett!

Nude up! It's time for 'Miami Vice Unrated'

Im going back to the Gator Country where the wine and the women are free!

Despite the scientific sacrifice of this marvelous creature, I'm afraid we're not one step closer to a cure for *exophthalmos*..."

"Last week, a boomerang. This week, a croc. Care to join me down under, Sheila? C'mon, show me your Mappa Tassie."

"Are you here for the cold-blooded killers anonymous meeting?"

"They said litigator? What the fuck's a litigator?"

"And for your chin implant we'll be using a rib from right about here- hell, I might as well get one, too."

"Oh crap... Let me guess... I got it on upside down?!"

"I need you to help me find the cloaca."

"Ms. Harris, either someone has replaced my Braille notebook or there's some crazy shit goin' down."

If you like this, you should check out the snake in my trousers.

You know those executive office toys with the balls that go "clack-clack-clack-clack"? Well, it turns out alligators don't have balls. Please cancel my subscription to The Sharper Image, and fetch me Gary from Accounts Payable.

"OK, you caught me rubbing a crocodile's belly when I should be finishing the quarterly report. But at least I don't surf the web all day like you do, Joan."

"Get out of my chair Anonymous."

"I think we found your replacement."

"Betty, hold all calls."

"It's the new Apple iCroc."

"I'll have a coffee and he'll have a Gatorade. Better make it a double."

"I've been draggin' this komodo."

"I guess the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is the wider, U-shaped snout, black pigment of the skin, and the giggling!"

It's alinlainalligator. Yep, swallowed him whole.

Would you bring me the Roberts file? And some silverware?

Come on in. I don't bite.

"I think now she's right about here. Sorry about bringing him in on 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day'."

"Quick! Do you know CPR?"

"He's been out as Izod Lacoste's logo for years, but belly-up and covered in oil, he'll be a perfect logo for BP."

Ellen, do you believe in reincarnation?

"Oh, hi. . . I was just thinking about you while stroking my alligator. Can't you give me one more chance?"

"So it's an alligator, so what? How long have you been dressing like a woman, McGaugh?"

"Come in Anon_mous, I just fucked your mother and she passed out, bend over you are next Bitch."

———O frabjous day, Clarice, my alligator suit is ready. Join me for lunch.———

"Ms. Davis, I have a riddle for you. What's green and bumpy and has very sharp teeth? Give up? I don't know, either. By the way, can you help me get rid of this alligator? He's stinking up the joint."

"Ms. Howell, can you please take over tickling this alligator? I'm very late for the Roger McGaugh vs. Anon_mous prize fight at the American Airlines Arena in beautiful downtown Miami, Florida."

"You don't have gators in your office `cause your door actually closes. Mine just hits my desk."

———He may be a wild, untamed predator to you, Ms. Flint, but to the firm, he———s the only one who comes out with a balance sheet in the black every month!———

———Well, this certainly explains the recent staff massacres down by the water cooler!———

———Good news, Miss Kelly. Our little friend here has ingested both McGaugh and Anon_mous . . . making the world once again safe for Anti-Captions!!!———

Pam, go ahead and send in the first interviewee.

"No, really, that's what I meant. Let's have sex over my dead alligator."

I know what this looks like but I swear SHE seduced ME.

Did you check that gator for papers?

This is Arizona. He looked like one so I just took him in.

No, Mr. Croc. I expect you to lie. No, not like that. Lie in court. Tell them you wanted those wetlands for condos. You and the rest of your savage, backward, creepy crawly brethren.

Unknowingly recorded at the Washington Redskins front office.

Goddamnit Gunther. When I said get a Florida Gator I was thinking Tebo or something. Wait? Can he hold a football in his mouth. Running back.

But we already have six running backs this season...?

We need more. Always more. Always. More.

What? Oil-soaked alligator corpses are people too.

Ms. M'Gaw, the next time you interrupt my "alligator time" please have something intelligent, topical, and appropriate to say."

It's not what it looks like.

I cloned him from a handbag. Does that surprise you?

Years of Ayurvedic study has permitted me diagnosis and treat with great precision the maladies of all of God's creatures. In this case, the beast is quite dead. But I imagine the advanced stench of this closed space forewarned you of that?

Before I premiere my 'Swamp Sonata, op 12 for Alligator Belly,' would you please remind everyone to not applaud between movements?

Crocodile Dunder Mifflin

Croc Whisperer: "Long have I wrestled with the Leviathon's secret thoughts, and with yours as well Alice. Will you marry me? No, not you, you skank. I meant the gator."

"You're a ditz, , Ms. Baxter, I asked for a chocodile.

"Using quotes, Google 'parlaying a stuffed alligator into a back-alley crack-ho blowjob' and let me know what comes up. Thank, hon."

"He's napping now, but this one's a leader -- spirited, religious -- and we can totally revamp his throwing motion before the season starts. Did I mention that he's a quick study?"

"Ms. Anon_mouse, if you can't stand the heat, get the hell out of the kitchen, bitch."

"Margaret, my dear, this recession's a bitch. I promised my wife an alligator purse for her birthday."

"Ms. Barrie, this package is ticking! I think it's a bomb! Call Security and have Captain Hook come up here immediately!"

"Jane! Good, come in! I just want to run an idea bayou!"

"Can you help me? This shredder has jammed again."

"My clit hurts"

"Seems like lately the competitors are just crocodiling it in."

Does it seem like some submitters are a little testy
or is that the root of the problem Gator me boy?

Bring back JD. At least he's intelligent.

"I'm supposed to wear these things on my feet?!"

"When it comes to Croc's, size really does matter, Ms. Anon Mouse."

"I saw this GatorPolisher in an infomercial the other night and just had to try it! Does my desk look any shinier?"

"No, there's no 'chicken clucking away fearfully in here'.... Anymore."

"Well, that was easy. Now, how do I roll over my IRA?"

"This years office Halloween party is going to be awesome! Can you help me get into my costume and maybe find me a dismembered arm?"

"Really, it's Roger McGaugh's penis. I just added legs, teeth and a brain to make it look like an alligator."

"Tea for two, and two for tea.., me for you, and you for me...."

"Don't think of it as losing your cat on Bring-Your-Pet-To-Work-Day. Think of it as the day you finally found someone to eat your pussy...What? Too soon?"

Let me read this once more: Locate the heart three fingers below the sternal notch, then begin compressions,one per second. Every fifth compression, get your assistant to administer mouth to mouth resuscitation.
OK, let's bring this lizard back from the dead.

Sure, but can you dress it up in Barbie clothes?

"I know. I really do need to move my desk a little further away from the door. Thanks for the suggestion. OH MY GOD AN ALLIGATOR IS ON MY DESK!"

Did you find my xylophone hammer thingie?

"This is supine. The *other* way is prone."

"Joan, could you get the IT guy in here? My computer isn't working."

"I'll have the crocument ready for you in just a couple minutes."

I'm a zoophiliac, and I created windows 7.

"What part of 'relieve me' don't you understand?"

"He falls asleep during foreplay just like you."

"I figured it was time to start thinking outside the swamp."

"I'll just be a minute. He asked for a happy ending."

Well, okay...have you ever seen a walrus penis?

The original Croc-O-Dial had the rotary right here on the soft underbelly.

You're the one who said to stay away from jail bait.

One last time, it's not cheating because the Mets are not in the NCAA.

Yes, I've learned my lesson. I won't call anyone a bitch or talk about their mothers online. So when can I have my laptop back?

"This just isn't working. I either need a bigger office or a smaller reptile."

SORRY FOLKS. Wally World will be closed for repairs for the next eight days.

"Why are you leaning forward like that? You are so weird sometimes."

I don't know what's more dead. This or alinla's career.

Okaaaaayyyyyyyy, I think that's enough captions for this week.......

"Shhhh, he's meditating."

"Crocodile Rock? No I don't know it but if you hum a few bars I'll give it a try."

"It's called jumping the gun, Ms. Brown. We still have to amuse this alligator for another week! I just hope they raise the limit of five entries. Dear God, I hope they raise that limit...."

"Ms. Jones, his exact last words were:

'You are worse than the New Yorker at picking Honorable mentions. That say's a lot about your sense, or lack, of humor. Just my opinion. Plus you are an anal asshole for limiting and trying to control what people say on this stupid site and how many times they can post a comment, stop being a fucking whinning ass bitch.'

Strange, no?"

"Miss White, just before he died, the alligator said just three words:

'Mike Mariano and POOOOPY'

What do you make of that?"

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