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May 31, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #243

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

anti cap 243 phone exploded in bedroom.jpg

Seems like lately the terrorists are just phoning it in.-- JohnnyB

"Fucking Talibanmarketers."-- Wile E. Chipotle

See? Phone blows up, dry sheets on my side. You see a spider, and we have to get a new mattress." --Damon

For additional Honorable Mentions and a judge's comment for each winner go here.


"Fusilli, you crazy bas....."

"It's Princess Diana. She had some kind of warning about a land line."

It was for you.

Seems like lately the terrorists are just phoning it in.

"Honey, it's your ex ploding again."

Osama, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you still on the loose?

Honey, are we overdrawn again?

No shit Mrs. Bond, they expected me to die.

It's for you.

"Can I borrow your cell phone?"

———The funny thing is, I still hear a ringing.———

"I think we have been too complacent about our personal security. That was a wake-up call."

(5 seconds earlier) I guess you're wondering why I called you today.

———You know how you think you———re dreaming and you pick up an the phone and the receiver explodes in your hand? And then you realize it———s not a dream? Kinda sucks.———

"It's a good thing I was wearing my lucky pajamas."

"You got one of those giant pillows under there, or did you develop your mother's front-butt overnight?"

"Fuck! The blow-up preventers failed."

I'm sorry for some reason I didn't hear you. The condoms are in which drawer?

"Stop snoring will ya? I can't hear a goddamm thing!"

"It was the neighbors———they wanted to welcome us to our new home in East Jerusalem."

"Somebody's out to kill us, and it gets worse. Our walls are horsehair plaster."

I probably should've told you I was with the Crips before we got married.

I'm hunted in strange places by my victims.

"Is this how Lady Gaga's Telephone exploded onto the Web?"

"Go back to sleep, Honey. It's just the New Yorker calling."

"I need to borrow your diaphragm."

"Fucking Talibanmarketers."

"I have to vote for The Hurt Locker."

The answerers here are smithereens.

"It's your mother. I have killer ID."

Wow that blew my Ironman suit clean off. now I'm Stark naked

Lucy you got some exploding to do! Like where's my twin bed
you firecrotch hoe-bag

"Very funny. April fucking Fools to you, too, dear."

"I can't keep anything from you."

———Damn your mother . . . she has no right to speak to me that way!———

———Honey . . . we still have the Caller ID feature, don———t we?———

———That does it . . . we get on the National Do Not Call Registry today!———

———Unbelieveable . . . I didn———t even know this phone had an Al Queda app!———

———Whoa . . . I guess somebody doesn———t like unsolicited phone calls this late at night.———

"I think the snooze alarm on this clock/phone needs just a tad bit of adjusting."

"A black man's penis? I was thinking it looked more like a smoking gun."

"You forgot to put us on the Do Not Detonate list."

"No, Mr Bond. I expect you to dial"

"The call started out great; She said she wanted to blow me."

———I don———t know who it was, dear . . . it was a bad connection.———

———It was that guy from last week with the suit and surfboard . . . he was really mad . . . he thought we were making fun of him.———

Fucking bedside bombers.

Gotta go, honey. They need me down at the reactor.


Seriously, we are the only ones who don't have a cordless phone.

"At least it wasn't connected to an oil well."

"Nice try. Your turn...pick up the lamp."

Honey, you know that guy 'Al in L.A.?' Is his last name 'Qaida?' [acknowledgment @blw]

Go get your cel phone and call 911. My face just got blown off. Now!

The first "Shrek" is at 11:30am. Are you sure you want to get up that early?

It's fucking Domino's again. How about I just order a pizza and get them off my back? We don't have to eat the shit...

Lightning storms really are dangerous. And here's the proof...

Well Dr. Smith will be happy about this: I just came, a lot.

I just pissed, shit, came and farted all at once. And burped too. Let me try it again with you video-ing, and I'll become an internet sensation!

Sheesh, some people really don't like being put on hold!

Uh, know what, fuck the other call. You were saying?

"Fine, I'll let Prince Albert out of the can. Geesh."

Despite over a year of safe use, Larry's hydrogen-filled telephone eventually exploded in a cataclysmic display of fire and smoke.

"Is there anyone else there besides your wife? He keeps hanging up."

"See what happens when we appear in a Cheney cartoon?"

Worst. Phone sex. Ever.

"Aw, fuck. Who do I call if there's something wrong with the phone? Wait, aw double-fuck, how do I call if there's something wrong with the phone? Aw, geez-louise...Louise? Answer me, Louise. These are serious questions. They may sound silly but I'm suffering from severe shock and internal bleeding."

"Talk about getting blown up on the wrong side of the bed! Now, I die."

"Well, these injuries are fatal. Tell your sister I loved her. And tell my wife I never wished her ill."

"Sure, but if the North Koreans had done this you well-fed European lefty anti-semites wouldn't even have noticed. Now, I die."

Great. Now what am I supposed to do with this four-hour erection?

"Did you hear me? I said, 'my phone is blowing up.' You know, just like how the kids say it nowadays? Was the timely joke worth irreparable ear damage? Absolutely not."

"Your mother just gave me the third degree."

"Remind me to turn my hearing aid down the next time your mother calls."

"That Ashton Kutcher is such a kidder."

"I think it was a misdial, some crazy lady was screaming, 'Here's your 3 a.m. call you PUNK ASS BITCH!'"

"That was Brian L. He says he doesn't like the way I judge the anti-caps."

if you pleased me more often I wouldn't have to resort to such excruciatingly hot phone sex.

911 called us.

"Honey it was BP; apparently they're our new phone service provider."

"Al and Tipper Gore? Divorcing??"

In Russia, 911 calls you.

"Well, at least it wasn't as bad as last night's phone call."

"Donald Trump says 'You're fired!'"

"It's that damn Emeril Lagasse."

"My eardrum burst, I have internal bleeding, and I think shrapnel lodged in my brain. Could you look any more disinterested?"

"I guess that's a no."

"Honey, you're lucky we have an improbably wide bed."

"Just when you thought comcast couldn't get any worse."

"See? Phone blows up, dry sheets on my side. You see a spider, and we have to get a new mattress."

"There's no `666' in the smoke above my head. Phone? What phone?"

Our phone's been recalled.

"I asked you for the number for the weather . . . not the Weathermen."

"Isn't it funny? You hear a phone ring, and it could be anybody...but a ringing phone has to be answered, doesn't it?"

Angry Mets fans continue to torment a sleep-deprived Keith Hernandez.

"No, I swear, that's never happened to me before."

"They said their hot wings are really, really spicy."

These nightmares seem so real. Fucking PTSD. Happy Memorial Day, honey.

———Who the hell is Mr. Phelps?———

I was just sitting there taking a dump when BAM! it
hit me like a ... like a ton of bricks.

It's the Pharmacy, dear. Did you want an IUD or an IED?


birthday party
cheese cake
jelly bean

All he said was
"Meet the Curve"

"Ih my loah joah hangih eally, eally low?"

last time I buy a used Acme phone from that Wile E. Coyote guy.

"Honey, I'm pretty sure the Witchita Lineman is dead."


"That was our marriage exploding, Tipper. Let's go back to sleep and call the media in the morning. On a different phone."

"Collect call -- that's the last time I accept the charges!"

"Honey, I've made a lot of enemies. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. What was I thinking? When it comes to grudges they NEVER forget!"

"Oh fuck. Honey, I mistook your vibrator for the phone and dialed it up to 11"

"Honey, remind me to get an answering machine."

"Round up the usual suspects."

"I don't know, I think he said his name was Mo Sod."


"Who are you?"

Fatally, you crazy bastard! I'm hurt fatally.

"I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency."

Well, you go to sleep with the telephone you have, not the telephone you'd like to have.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who should have put on his brain bucket
He said with a grin
As he looked for his chin
If they don't like my face they can fuck it

"It was Tony Soprano. He said 'don't stop believin', you Members Only son of a bitch.'"

The phone calls here are obscene.

It may be 2010, but this landline is tha bomb.

"Trending: thermite."

Go back to sleep, dear. It's just a powder burn.

"I TOLD you we should have gone with one of the franchises next to the interstate."

The thing is, I was just gonna let it ring.

Honey, do you know anyone who does lath-and-plaster walls? Because this is gonna be a bitch to repair.

"You hit the mute button again, didn't you?"

"This isn't what I had in mind when I said I wanted Toast and Fried Ears for breakfast."

"Honey, it was your mother. She acknowledged her vegetable coma but is still really mad that we pulled the plug."

"It was President Obama and he said that he's mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore."

"I'm not sure, but I think he said he was from Bed, Bang & Begone——"

"Hey woman with the implausibly large elephant ass, please tell me you didn't fuck with my phone."

———That was the Grim Reaper. I get the feeling he doesn———t care anymore. He's totally just phoning it in.———

Will I still be able to pursue my dream of becoming a fake journalist now that I have a fucked-up ear? Huh? What? Speak up, dammit!

Honey, can you please check the back of my head for explosion damage.

They just disavowed any knowledge of our existence.

"Why can't you ever bang me like that?"

"Kaczynski, you crazy bastard! When did you get out?"

"Joyce! You crazy bastard!"

"Coming soon to a theater near you: Star Trek X: Arena II -- The Gorn just can't let it go and sends a tachyon pulse to Kirk's Princess phone following Jim's sweet session with Yeoman Rand, who has developed quite the ass. Man lizard wrestling ensues."

"That was my wife. Well, I should probably go. Thanks for the anal."

Heaviest. Breathing. Ever.

"Were are my slippers?"

"It's your turn to sleep in the wet spot."

"It just took fill-ups at BP and I got this phone!"

"... and will disavow any knowledge of your mission. Good luck, Mr. Phelps....(long pause) and, oh yeah, I almost forgot...... this message will self destruct in..."

"It's Sayid, Kate. He says we are 'Flash sideways jumping' again!"

"I never knew the studs in this house were put in horizontally"!

"It just took 5 fill-ups at BP and I got this phone!" (sorry)

"Gee... sorry. Did I fuckin' wake you?!??"

"Where are my slippers."

"Those damn Talaban Telemarketer's."

"Mr. Bond called and said this message will self destruct in 5 seconds, I didn't believe him."

"Lights out."

"Well at least this time it's not a horse's head in our bed."

That does it for me tonight. Let's get that lamp out of your ass and grab some shut-eye.

I couldn't get to sleep anyhow, what with these huge-ass pillows aggravating my spinal stenosis.

"Yes, this is Mustafa al-Yazid, Al-Qaeda's third in com..."


"Well, at least now my mother knows I eloped and married a _______

A) Nazi sympathizer."
B) convicted pedophile."
C) crystal meth addict with vaginal herpes."
D) Flyers fan."

"They were mad at me for adding yet another Mr. Phelps self-destruct Mission Impossible caption. Crazy bastards."

"I can't believe this popcorn is still falling. It's destroying every thing."

"It was your uncle M'Gaw again with another tired joke..."

"Christ! Now I'll have to masturbate with my left hand."

Wheezy kept her promise to light a match the next time Fred dutch-ovened her saying, "your ass'll be blowin' up son."

Now that I'm up I wonder if it's too late to enter the anti-cap contest. I never know when that al guy is going to deign to render his judgements.

"It was AT&T wanting to know if we'd interested in their new security feature."

Check one two, check one two. Microphone! Ain't got no slippers so fuck it cause I ain't got no mutha fuckin' slippers! Bam! Money!

"Until we get caller IED, we won't know who the voice mail bomber is."

Good thing you're a Squirter
or I could have really hurt my face,Sandy!

"Dammit, don't you get it? 'Boomerang!'"

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