The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #242
al in laSubmit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
For last week's winners go here
WINNER
Short and pale and old and balding, the guy from KPMG goes walking And when he passes, each one he passes goes -- ugh.--Tim H
SECOND PLACE
"It's right behind you."-- Rob
THIRD PLACE
"I'm sorry sir, this beach is closed to people visibly haunted by their absurd and ultimately meaningless choices."-- Jared S
HONORABLE MENTION
."Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your surfboard's a foamie."-- Hung Ten
For additional Honorable Mentions and a Judge's Comment for each winner go here.
Comments
"Does al stay up really late or get up really early? How do I know? But I do suggest you lose the tie, buddy."
Posted by: Richard H | May 24, 2010 6:23 AM
"Your boss called. That 'gnarly' excuse didn't go over too well with your 1:30. But no rush to get back. You've been fired."
Posted by: Richard H | May 24, 2010 6:28 AM
"It's right behind you."
Posted by: Rob | May 24, 2010 7:33 AM
———Wetsuit....one word....noun. Not wet suit, adjective-noun, you stupid jerk, adjective-noun."
Posted by: dwilk | May 24, 2010 8:13 AM
"Chairman of the Board," as in surfboard. It was going to elevate Carrot Top to Carrey / Sandler status.
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | May 24, 2010 9:10 AM
The beach is closed, due to the giant sharks clearly visible on the horizon.
Posted by: Optimus Sub-Prime | May 24, 2010 9:13 AM
Funny you should ask. Remember the band BLOTTO?
Posted by: Joe Not-So-Great Neck | May 24, 2010 9:34 AM
"Stock's DOWN!!! Ha ha ha ha ha....you're gonna die anyway."
Posted by: Rob | May 24, 2010 9:39 AM
The thing coming out my ass? I eat beans and rice, then insert a footlong dry ice suppository. Hey, you might not call it 'art,' but it got me the MacArthur.
Posted by: Fanta McNasty | May 24, 2010 9:48 AM
Dude, yr "rad" makeover is doomed to *fail* if you can't cut those *literal* apron strings . . .
Posted by: Shawn Pencil-Neck | May 24, 2010 9:52 AM
HEY! My eyes are *up here,* cock-shark . . .
Posted by: Optimus Sub-Prime | May 24, 2010 9:53 AM
No surfing until you clean up your oil spill, B P.
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 24, 2010 10:00 AM
There's nowhere to "plug it in." It's a surfboard, not an ironing board. Or I guess not an iron. Just let me have my joke!
Posted by: lk | May 24, 2010 10:11 AM
"Take a left at Screw You Drive and then a hard right at Fuck You Boulevard."
Posted by: Dave | May 24, 2010 11:07 AM
"Lawyers Surf for Free Day"? Next beach over.
Posted by: boneguy | May 24, 2010 11:17 AM
"Duke Kahanamoku? But I hardly even know you!"
Posted by: Anonymous | May 24, 2010 11:37 AM
"I didn't pull on your line... Your safety chord strangled three children this morning."
Posted by: Brian L | May 24, 2010 11:40 AM
"Hey poser suit-douche, just remember that I'll get more pussy in the next hour than you've had in your entire life. Enjoy surfing!"
Posted by: Anonymous | May 24, 2010 11:49 AM
"The net"? There's no "net" here.
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 24, 2010 11:59 AM
This is not a bathing suit optional beach, buddy. Put on some proper attire.
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 24, 2010 12:02 PM
"Dude, what the hell is that? A giant security tag? A thing from an old hotel key? A plastic kite? A big tampon? A sarcophagus cover?"
Posted by: Glenn | May 24, 2010 12:37 PM
"You the guy who ordered the electric carrot?"
Posted by: c1w | May 24, 2010 1:36 PM
Mr. Mister's "Broken Wings" begins in background
"I haven't been the best father in the world; I know that. And I'll probably never understand the life you lead, and a lot of the choices you make. But, if the beach is this important to you, then - well - I want to be as much a part of your world as I can. So, how do I bang ten?"
*tears* "That's `hang' ten, dad. `Hang' ten."
*music swells* And learn to fly again, learn to live so free...
- Surf Academy 2: Waves & Babes, 1987
Posted by: Damon | May 24, 2010 1:40 PM
Enter the water at your own risk today. I've got a beach umbrella stuck in my back.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | May 24, 2010 2:34 PM
"No, I will not 'wax your stick'. Now get out of here before I call the cops."
Posted by: Mr. Zog | May 24, 2010 2:43 PM
"Sir, may I ask what you think you're doing?"
"Anything is better than another week of horrible captions."
Posted by: Grant | May 24, 2010 3:03 PM
"Dude, don't back up. There's a badly drawn tiny person right behind your board."
Posted by: Grant | May 24, 2010 3:05 PM
"Balls."
Posted by: Grant | May 24, 2010 3:07 PM
"Big balls."
Posted by: Grant | May 24, 2010 3:08 PM
"Oh, hi Charlie! Apparently you do surf."
Posted by: Bill Kilgore | May 24, 2010 3:42 PM
"Whoa, Du-ude, your swimsuit's like SPF-200."
Posted by: Anonymous | May 24, 2010 3:45 PM
"Total bummer about about your stain leaving you for a shark last week. At least he didn't totally chonch your head off and Bogart your life-force."
Posted by: Rich | May 24, 2010 3:50 PM
"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to... duuude."
Posted by: Anonymous | May 24, 2010 4:15 PM
Dude, you should split! That shark from the last cartoon just appeared on the horizon.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | May 24, 2010 4:22 PM
Funicello, you crazy bastard! Where the hell is she?
Posted by: CRC | May 24, 2010 4:28 PM
You're late again, Mr. Hasselhoff. I've been waiting in this giant director's chair for hours. Let's get some coffee in you and start our shoot.
Posted by: CRC | May 24, 2010 4:35 PM
"And I'll bet your dick is outside the box too."
Posted by: dwilk | May 24, 2010 4:41 PM
alinla, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you going to find a job here? Oh, I get it. The suit is just to fool mrs. al. You can change in my cabana.
Posted by: Jess Messing | May 24, 2010 4:42 PM
"I don't care if you are Airplane Man - you're not rockin' those wingtips, bro."
Posted by: Damon | May 24, 2010 5:33 PM
"While you were gone? Let me see...Oh, yeah, the Mets beat the World Champions, 2 out of 3 games. Sweet."
Posted by: Kathy H | May 24, 2010 5:53 PM
"Why won't you go hungry at the beach?
Give up??
Because of the sand which is there.
Get it? 'Sand which'...'Sandwich'...? Get it?? Oh, fuck you!"
Posted by: Tim H | May 24, 2010 5:59 PM
"I'm just saying. If push came to shove, I still wouldn't give you mouth-to-mouth."
Posted by: Kathy H | May 24, 2010 6:01 PM
"Could you please move you head just a little? The reflection is like burning my retinas."
Posted by: Tim H | May 24, 2010 6:06 PM
"Dude..., she'd have to be fifty feet tall to wear a tampon that large!"
Posted by: Rob | May 24, 2010 7:07 PM
You can shove the waterboard up your ass, Mr. Cheney.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | May 24, 2010 7:26 PM
"So . . . you finally got away from that island, huh? What happened to shark and his bitch?"
Posted by: blw | May 24, 2010 7:33 PM
"Lamar,I gotta dollar here says I can break your neck 'for you get that rig moved a half inch."
Posted by: joe_kidd | May 24, 2010 8:15 PM
———I don———t care if it is a sharkskin suit, dude, it———s just so out of place . . . I mean totally.———
Posted by: blw | May 24, 2010 8:16 PM
"How do you do Mr.Jingle-frontin'-dumbass-sheep-dipper?"
Posted by: joe_kidd | May 24, 2010 8:18 PM
"The water? Behind you."
Posted by: Brian L | May 24, 2010 8:51 PM
The howlies here are sunscreened.
Posted by: CRC | May 24, 2010 9:39 PM
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to ride it.
Posted by: CRC | May 24, 2010 10:27 PM
Dude, seriously? You're going to surf with your eyeglasses on?
Posted by: CRC | May 24, 2010 10:29 PM
"Your son is out there drowning!? Well, I'm going to let him; He's best eaten cold." (Worked for dwilk)
Posted by: Anonymouse | May 24, 2010 10:36 PM
Oooo ... gross... If I had known you were going to spit out the head I wouldn't have offered it to you. (Worked for blw)
Posted by: Anonymous Two | May 24, 2010 10:53 PM
"I hope you do better on this board than you did on the last one."
Posted by: Dave | May 24, 2010 11:15 PM
"Dude, I hear you're, like, the chairman of the board."
Posted by: Dave | May 24, 2010 11:21 PM
"Ok..., let's try again. Place the board where the sun doesn't shine."
Posted by: dwilk | May 25, 2010 1:05 AM
Hey Dad I'm a 50 year-old career Lifeguard. It's a little late to start bonding
you bald-headed fart!
Posted by: j spicoli | May 25, 2010 3:10 AM
"Yes Bruce, I'm dying. Now get up here and hold me one last time before these vultures pick clean my rotting carcass."
"Surf's DOWN, moron. Come back when there's some waves."
"We've had lots of problems with theft, so now we have to tether all the rental beach umbrellas."
Posted by: LR | May 25, 2010 6:31 AM
As they entered into the second minute of their staring contest, Bill noticed the careless wisps of hair escaping Tyler's sun visor, bringing back memories of when he was that age, conquering the world as an up and coming hotshot real estate lawyer, when he would sometimes wear a sun visor to mow the lawn.
Posted by: moosejuice | May 25, 2010 7:43 AM
"Putting the money issue aside for a moment, why would I even want access to Prince Andrew?"
Posted by: Kathy H | May 25, 2010 9:53 AM
Coming soon to a theater near you, Star Trek IX: A wrinkle in the time-space continuum triggers a Mexican standoff between Spock's human and Vulcan halves.
Posted by: Anonymous | May 25, 2010 11:43 AM
"...So you're in MY way! And I ask you to move
And let me gaze west in my west-gazing groove."
Posted by: W-G Zax | May 25, 2010 12:46 PM
"I burn easily."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 25, 2010 1:01 PM
"I have a job interview, can you watch this for me?"
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 25, 2010 1:03 PM
"Can you direct me to the boardroom?"
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 25, 2010 1:04 PM
"I'm not going to save you if you start to drown, asshole."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 25, 2010 1:09 PM
"Which way to business class?"
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 25, 2010 1:14 PM
"Doing your laundry again, Mel Cooley?"
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 25, 2010 1:39 PM
From gull in air: "M'gaw, M'gaw." Man and lifeguard in unison, "Fuckin' A, what an annoying seagull!"
Posted by: Anonymous | May 25, 2010 2:14 PM
"No, no one turned in a lost iPhone. Sorry, Dude."
Posted by: cta | May 25, 2010 2:29 PM
"'Lost', you say? Sorry . . . the season finale was last week . . . Thanks for asking, though."
Posted by: blw | May 25, 2010 2:31 PM
"Dad, you were not stabbed through the chest with a surfboard, I can see it's under your arm. Geez, I'm not three anymore!"
Posted by: cta | May 25, 2010 2:34 PM
"Brian! Good to see you back, Bro . . . and goofy as ever . . . But, shouldn't you be 'in your room'?"
Posted by: blw | May 25, 2010 2:39 PM
"OK, Dad . . . we can talk about it . . . but first put down the surfboard . . . I mean it, slowly put down the surfboard and just step away . . ."
Posted by: blw | May 25, 2010 2:50 PM
Excuse me... white cliffs of Dover?
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 25, 2010 4:45 PM
Short and pale and old and balding, the guy from KPMG goes walking
And when he passes, each one he passes goes -- ugh.
Posted by: Tim H | May 25, 2010 4:52 PM
———Yes, Mr. Torrence . . . Surf City is just about a mile down the beach. You can———t miss it. Mr. Berry has already passed . . . dressed just like you, as a matter of fact.———
Posted by: blw | May 25, 2010 5:12 PM
"You're undercover? Get outta town!"
Posted by: Rob | May 25, 2010 6:15 PM
Everybody's gone surfin'
Surfin USA
Posted by: B. Wilson | May 25, 2010 7:00 PM
You have a huge piece of ass-wipe stuck in your butt crack.
Posted by: Rocko | May 25, 2010 7:09 PM
"Yeah, I drowned my wife and kids last week. Figured nobody'd suspect a lifeguard. What about you?"
Posted by: dwilk | May 25, 2010 8:06 PM
I got your "junk shot" hangin' right here, pal.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | May 25, 2010 8:16 PM
———Little Surfer Girl? Yeah, she———s right over there . . . in the Versace suit, the Burberry scarf and the Gucci accessories.———
Posted by: blw | May 25, 2010 8:50 PM
"So you're impaled by a surfboard. You coulda been Jayne Mansfield."
Posted by: Rob | May 25, 2010 9:12 PM
I get this all the time. Another 1/4 mile to the topless section, sir.
Posted by: Rocko | May 25, 2010 9:29 PM
"I think they have all they need for the 'junk shot'"
Posted by: Glenn | May 26, 2010 8:40 AM
"There's nothing funny about water safety, Mr Reiner."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 26, 2010 11:16 AM
"You surfer zombies are so annoying."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 26, 2010 12:20 PM
"Bennett...Surf? I thought you spelled your name Cerf. And, I thought you were dead."
Posted by: Kathy H | May 26, 2010 12:49 PM
I appreciate the effort, Dad, but when I said I liked Butthole Surfers, I meant the band.
Posted by: Eric G | May 26, 2010 1:57 PM
Said the chair man, bored:
"You're a Chairman of the Board."
"And bored", said the Chairman, "of the board."
So, the Chairman swapped the board
for the chair of the man, bored.
(And both were happy no black people saw this...oard.)
Posted by: Damon | May 26, 2010 2:39 PM
"Don't tell me...mmmmm?.. oh yeah! ... old guy needs to check item 16 off his 'bucket lists'"
Posted by: Anonymous | May 26, 2010 2:58 PM
No sir, my Woodie is not for sale.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | May 26, 2010 6:37 PM
"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your surfboard's a foamie."
Posted by: Hung Ten | May 26, 2010 7:21 PM
"Dude, you're supposed to wear a wet suit not a wool suit."
Posted by: Dave | May 26, 2010 8:22 PM
"That's surfing U.S.A., asshole, not kayaking U.S.A."
Posted by: Dave | May 26, 2010 8:24 PM
I don't give a shit if some other suit is drowning! I'm here for the babes.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | May 26, 2010 10:30 PM
"Dude, this is the worst toilet ever! Huuhhrhhhhghhh."
Posted by: Anonymous | May 26, 2010 10:53 PM
"Let him drown first. They're best eaten cold."
Posted by: Anonymous | May 26, 2010 10:56 PM
What the fuck are you doing here, Dad? You're supposed to be in line getting "Sex and the City 2" tickets.
Posted by: boneguy | May 27, 2010 10:48 AM
"Hello Al. Yes, I did know that 'chum' meant those two things... You must think your readers retarded."
Posted by: Brian L | May 27, 2010 11:41 AM
"Luke, I am your father."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 27, 2010 11:49 AM
"Excuse me, do you have bottled water?"
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 27, 2010 11:50 AM
"I've heard about wearing white only before Labor Day, but what's this about wearing Brooks Brothers only before Memorial Day?"
Posted by: Tim H | May 27, 2010 12:32 PM
I'm glad to see you've found suitable employment Mr. Paul, but tell me; if I should get into trouble out there, do you get to decide whether or not you want to rescue me?
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | May 27, 2010 12:32 PM
"Look, the original Barsotti cartoon simply said, 'Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you? not 'Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you? '
That's what keeps me awake at night."
Posted by: Kathy H | May 27, 2010 12:42 PM
"Can you help me, please.? My Chum is in the water. By Chum, I actually mean Chumley from Tennessee Tuxedo, who came to life and likes swimming. Please help me, Brian."
Posted by: Anonymous | May 27, 2010 12:53 PM
Kathy H., you crazy bastard! How are you?
Posted by: Anonymous | May 27, 2010 1:37 PM
"Tsunami, you crazy bastard! How are you?"
Posted by: Tim H | May 27, 2010 2:53 PM
"I'm sorry sir, this beach is closed to people visibly haunted by their absurd and ultimately meaningless choices."
Posted by: Jared S. | May 27, 2010 3:35 PM
Well, Obama DID promise us the tide would change.
Posted by: Anonymous | May 27, 2010 4:18 PM
Moondoggie, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?
"How the hell are you" is simply funnier than "how are you", regardless of the original. Knowing this, I sleep well at night.
Posted by: Rocko | May 27, 2010 5:14 PM
"Yeah, inspector, the shark attacks happened on my watch. But my watch said 5:00 pm so I went home."
Posted by: dwilk | May 27, 2010 7:27 PM
"admit that the waters Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You———ll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you is worth savin———
Then you better start swimmin——— or you———ll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin———"
Posted by: r_zimmerman | May 27, 2010 9:26 PM
Well, they———ll stone you when you walk all alone
"They———ll stone you when you are walking home
They———ll stone you and then say you are brave
They———ll stone you when you are set down in your grave
But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned"
Posted by: r_zimmerman | May 27, 2010 9:28 PM
"That's not the ocean you're smelling———it's the extra Port-a-Potties Dylan brought in for his birthday bash."
Posted by: B.D.'s Grandmother | May 28, 2010 1:27 AM
Well, they say wool can keep you warm even when wet...
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | May 28, 2010 1:36 AM
"Are you sure that's the suit you want to be buried in?"
Posted by: cta | May 28, 2010 10:40 AM
"Sit up straight, son! Be proud. You come from a long line of men with strangely oversized, Ike Eisenhower silver-dollar nipples."
Posted by: Jed | May 28, 2010 1:31 PM
The plural of umbrella is not umbrelli, you crazy bastard!
Posted by: Anonymous | May 28, 2010 10:44 PM
Feldman was ready to fulfill his life-long dream; to indulge in the forbidden pleasure of anal sex while riding a really big wave.
Posted by: Rocko | May 28, 2010 11:07 PM
"Hey, old man. Boxers or briefs?"
"Depends."
Posted by: holden_c | May 29, 2010 1:41 AM
"Your family left you behind again, Mr. M'Gaw?"
Posted by: Anonymous | May 29, 2010 3:44 PM
Really?! That was your first time surfing? Man, you looked GOOD out there!"
Posted by: cta | May 29, 2010 5:18 PM
"I don't care if you can surf, Harry. I need an accountant who knows that form 8889 needs to filed at the same time as the 1040."
Posted by: Richard H | May 29, 2010 6:46 PM
"That sperm whale must have been a huge mother @#$%&+!"
Posted by: Flipper | May 29, 2010 6:48 PM
Dude, you've got a lot of junk in your trunks. I can clearly see your nuts.
Posted by: Rocko | May 29, 2010 7:33 PM
"Dude, are you sure about this? I've been given strict instructions to only save people who are about to drown by accident."
Posted by: AW | May 29, 2010 7:58 PM
Zimmerman you Crazy bostich,
How the hell are you?
Posted by: tropical depression carter | May 29, 2010 11:14 PM
Bond returns are obscene, you crazy bastard! Why the hell are you here?
Posted by: Anonymous | May 30, 2010 3:42 PM
I have a job interview tomorrow. Can I have the suit when you die?
Posted by: Anonymous | May 30, 2010 3:46 PM
No, I'm not a shark. I'm actually a man in s grey suit.
(Australian slang for shark is the man in in the grey suit. It is always much funnier when you have hi explain it.)
Posted by: Mark | May 30, 2010 8:55 PM