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May 24, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #242

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
anti cap 242 biz guy surf board.jpg

For last week's winners go here


Short and pale and old and balding, the guy from KPMG goes walking And when he passes, each one he passes goes -- ugh.--Tim H

"It's right behind you."-- Rob

"I'm sorry sir, this beach is closed to people visibly haunted by their absurd and ultimately meaningless choices."-- Jared S

."Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your surfboard's a foamie."-- Hung Ten

For additional Honorable Mentions and a Judge's Comment for each winner go here.


"Does al stay up really late or get up really early? How do I know? But I do suggest you lose the tie, buddy."

"Your boss called. That 'gnarly' excuse didn't go over too well with your 1:30. But no rush to get back. You've been fired."

"It's right behind you."

———Wetsuit....one word....noun. Not wet suit, adjective-noun, you stupid jerk, adjective-noun."

"Chairman of the Board," as in surfboard. It was going to elevate Carrot Top to Carrey / Sandler status.

The beach is closed, due to the giant sharks clearly visible on the horizon.

Funny you should ask. Remember the band BLOTTO?

"Stock's DOWN!!! Ha ha ha ha ha....you're gonna die anyway."

The thing coming out my ass? I eat beans and rice, then insert a footlong dry ice suppository. Hey, you might not call it 'art,' but it got me the MacArthur.

Dude, yr "rad" makeover is doomed to *fail* if you can't cut those *literal* apron strings . . .

HEY! My eyes are *up here,* cock-shark . . .

No surfing until you clean up your oil spill, B P.

There's nowhere to "plug it in." It's a surfboard, not an ironing board. Or I guess not an iron. Just let me have my joke!

"Take a left at Screw You Drive and then a hard right at Fuck You Boulevard."

"Lawyers Surf for Free Day"? Next beach over.

"Duke Kahanamoku? But I hardly even know you!"

"I didn't pull on your line... Your safety chord strangled three children this morning."

"Hey poser suit-douche, just remember that I'll get more pussy in the next hour than you've had in your entire life. Enjoy surfing!"

"The net"? There's no "net" here.

This is not a bathing suit optional beach, buddy. Put on some proper attire.

"Dude, what the hell is that? A giant security tag? A thing from an old hotel key? A plastic kite? A big tampon? A sarcophagus cover?"

"You the guy who ordered the electric carrot?"

Mr. Mister's "Broken Wings" begins in background

"I haven't been the best father in the world; I know that. And I'll probably never understand the life you lead, and a lot of the choices you make. But, if the beach is this important to you, then - well - I want to be as much a part of your world as I can. So, how do I bang ten?"

*tears* "That's `hang' ten, dad. `Hang' ten."

*music swells* And learn to fly again, learn to live so free...

- Surf Academy 2: Waves & Babes, 1987

Enter the water at your own risk today. I've got a beach umbrella stuck in my back.

"No, I will not 'wax your stick'. Now get out of here before I call the cops."

"Sir, may I ask what you think you're doing?"

"Anything is better than another week of horrible captions."

"Dude, don't back up. There's a badly drawn tiny person right behind your board."


"Big balls."

"Oh, hi Charlie! Apparently you do surf."

"Whoa, Du-ude, your swimsuit's like SPF-200."

"Total bummer about about your stain leaving you for a shark last week. At least he didn't totally chonch your head off and Bogart your life-force."

"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to... duuude."

Dude, you should split! That shark from the last cartoon just appeared on the horizon.

Funicello, you crazy bastard! Where the hell is she?

You're late again, Mr. Hasselhoff. I've been waiting in this giant director's chair for hours. Let's get some coffee in you and start our shoot.

"And I'll bet your dick is outside the box too."

alinla, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you going to find a job here? Oh, I get it. The suit is just to fool mrs. al. You can change in my cabana.

"I don't care if you are Airplane Man - you're not rockin' those wingtips, bro."

"While you were gone? Let me see...Oh, yeah, the Mets beat the World Champions, 2 out of 3 games. Sweet."

"Why won't you go hungry at the beach?
Give up??
Because of the sand which is there.
Get it? 'Sand which'...'Sandwich'...? Get it?? Oh, fuck you!"

"I'm just saying. If push came to shove, I still wouldn't give you mouth-to-mouth."

"Could you please move you head just a little? The reflection is like burning my retinas."

"Dude..., she'd have to be fifty feet tall to wear a tampon that large!"

You can shove the waterboard up your ass, Mr. Cheney.

"So . . . you finally got away from that island, huh? What happened to shark and his bitch?"

"Lamar,I gotta dollar here says I can break your neck 'for you get that rig moved a half inch."

———I don———t care if it is a sharkskin suit, dude, it———s just so out of place . . . I mean totally.———

"How do you do Mr.Jingle-frontin'-dumbass-sheep-dipper?"

"The water? Behind you."

The howlies here are sunscreened.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to ride it.

Dude, seriously? You're going to surf with your eyeglasses on?

"Your son is out there drowning!? Well, I'm going to let him; He's best eaten cold." (Worked for dwilk)

Oooo ... gross... If I had known you were going to spit out the head I wouldn't have offered it to you. (Worked for blw)

"I hope you do better on this board than you did on the last one."

"Dude, I hear you're, like, the chairman of the board."

"Ok..., let's try again. Place the board where the sun doesn't shine."

Hey Dad I'm a 50 year-old career Lifeguard. It's a little late to start bonding
you bald-headed fart!

"Yes Bruce, I'm dying. Now get up here and hold me one last time before these vultures pick clean my rotting carcass."

"Surf's DOWN, moron. Come back when there's some waves."

"We've had lots of problems with theft, so now we have to tether all the rental beach umbrellas."

As they entered into the second minute of their staring contest, Bill noticed the careless wisps of hair escaping Tyler's sun visor, bringing back memories of when he was that age, conquering the world as an up and coming hotshot real estate lawyer, when he would sometimes wear a sun visor to mow the lawn.

"Putting the money issue aside for a moment, why would I even want access to Prince Andrew?"

Coming soon to a theater near you, Star Trek IX: A wrinkle in the time-space continuum triggers a Mexican standoff between Spock's human and Vulcan halves.

"...So you're in MY way! And I ask you to move
And let me gaze west in my west-gazing groove."

"I burn easily."

"I have a job interview, can you watch this for me?"

"Can you direct me to the boardroom?"

"I'm not going to save you if you start to drown, asshole."

"Which way to business class?"

"Doing your laundry again, Mel Cooley?"

From gull in air: "M'gaw, M'gaw." Man and lifeguard in unison, "Fuckin' A, what an annoying seagull!"

"No, no one turned in a lost iPhone. Sorry, Dude."

"'Lost', you say? Sorry . . . the season finale was last week . . . Thanks for asking, though."

"Dad, you were not stabbed through the chest with a surfboard, I can see it's under your arm. Geez, I'm not three anymore!"

"Brian! Good to see you back, Bro . . . and goofy as ever . . . But, shouldn't you be 'in your room'?"

"OK, Dad . . . we can talk about it . . . but first put down the surfboard . . . I mean it, slowly put down the surfboard and just step away . . ."

Excuse me... white cliffs of Dover?

Short and pale and old and balding, the guy from KPMG goes walking
And when he passes, each one he passes goes -- ugh.

———Yes, Mr. Torrence . . . Surf City is just about a mile down the beach. You can———t miss it. Mr. Berry has already passed . . . dressed just like you, as a matter of fact.———

"You're undercover? Get outta town!"

Everybody's gone surfin'
Surfin USA

You have a huge piece of ass-wipe stuck in your butt crack.

"Yeah, I drowned my wife and kids last week. Figured nobody'd suspect a lifeguard. What about you?"

I got your "junk shot" hangin' right here, pal.

———Little Surfer Girl? Yeah, she———s right over there . . . in the Versace suit, the Burberry scarf and the Gucci accessories.———

"So you're impaled by a surfboard. You coulda been Jayne Mansfield."

I get this all the time. Another 1/4 mile to the topless section, sir.

"I think they have all they need for the 'junk shot'"

"There's nothing funny about water safety, Mr Reiner."

"You surfer zombies are so annoying."

"Bennett...Surf? I thought you spelled your name Cerf. And, I thought you were dead."

I appreciate the effort, Dad, but when I said I liked Butthole Surfers, I meant the band.

Said the chair man, bored:
"You're a Chairman of the Board."
"And bored", said the Chairman, "of the board."
So, the Chairman swapped the board
for the chair of the man, bored.
(And both were happy no black people saw this...oard.)

"Don't tell me...mmmmm?.. oh yeah! ... old guy needs to check item 16 off his 'bucket lists'"

No sir, my Woodie is not for sale.

"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your surfboard's a foamie."

"Dude, you're supposed to wear a wet suit not a wool suit."

"That's surfing U.S.A., asshole, not kayaking U.S.A."

I don't give a shit if some other suit is drowning! I'm here for the babes.

"Dude, this is the worst toilet ever! Huuhhrhhhhghhh."

"Let him drown first. They're best eaten cold."

What the fuck are you doing here, Dad? You're supposed to be in line getting "Sex and the City 2" tickets.

"Hello Al. Yes, I did know that 'chum' meant those two things... You must think your readers retarded."

"Luke, I am your father."

"Excuse me, do you have bottled water?"

"I've heard about wearing white only before Labor Day, but what's this about wearing Brooks Brothers only before Memorial Day?"

I'm glad to see you've found suitable employment Mr. Paul, but tell me; if I should get into trouble out there, do you get to decide whether or not you want to rescue me?

"Look, the original Barsotti cartoon simply said, 'Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you? not 'Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you? '
That's what keeps me awake at night."

"Can you help me, please.? My Chum is in the water. By Chum, I actually mean Chumley from Tennessee Tuxedo, who came to life and likes swimming. Please help me, Brian."

Kathy H., you crazy bastard! How are you?

"Tsunami, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

"I'm sorry sir, this beach is closed to people visibly haunted by their absurd and ultimately meaningless choices."

Well, Obama DID promise us the tide would change.

Moondoggie, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?

"How the hell are you" is simply funnier than "how are you", regardless of the original. Knowing this, I sleep well at night.

"Yeah, inspector, the shark attacks happened on my watch. But my watch said 5:00 pm so I went home."

"admit that the waters Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You———ll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you is worth savin———
Then you better start swimmin——— or you———ll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin———"

Well, they———ll stone you when you walk all alone
"They———ll stone you when you are walking home
They———ll stone you and then say you are brave
They———ll stone you when you are set down in your grave
But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned"

"That's not the ocean you're smelling———it's the extra Port-a-Potties Dylan brought in for his birthday bash."

Well, they say wool can keep you warm even when wet...

"Are you sure that's the suit you want to be buried in?"

"Sit up straight, son! Be proud. You come from a long line of men with strangely oversized, Ike Eisenhower silver-dollar nipples."

The plural of umbrella is not umbrelli, you crazy bastard!

Feldman was ready to fulfill his life-long dream; to indulge in the forbidden pleasure of anal sex while riding a really big wave.

"Hey, old man. Boxers or briefs?"


"Your family left you behind again, Mr. M'Gaw?"

Really?! That was your first time surfing? Man, you looked GOOD out there!"

"I don't care if you can surf, Harry. I need an accountant who knows that form 8889 needs to filed at the same time as the 1040."

"That sperm whale must have been a huge mother @#$%&+!"

Dude, you've got a lot of junk in your trunks. I can clearly see your nuts.

"Dude, are you sure about this? I've been given strict instructions to only save people who are about to drown by accident."

Zimmerman you Crazy bostich,
How the hell are you?

Bond returns are obscene, you crazy bastard! Why the hell are you here?

I have a job interview tomorrow. Can I have the suit when you die?

No, I'm not a shark. I'm actually a man in s grey suit.

(Australian slang for shark is the man in in the grey suit. It is always much funnier when you have hi explain it.)

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