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May 17, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #241

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
anti cap 241 shark on island.jpg

"Let him drown first. They're best eaten cold."-- dwilk

Oooo . . . gross . . . If I had known you were going to spit out the head, I wouldn't have offered him to you."-- blw

"No, Mr. Tiny-ear-hole, I absolutely did not say 'that's my chum in the water'."-- Anonymous

For Honorable Mentions and Judge's Comment on all the winners go here.


"Holy shit! I was just sayin; to myself, where the fuck am I gonna find a good divorce lawyer in the middle of no where?"

"Cyclops woman got one eye in her head

Mascara-clotted vision, she is fed

to a barracuda

You'd have me down, down, down, down, down on my knees

Wouldn't you, barracuda?"

"It's times like these I wish I could talk."

"Eat me!"

Best Survivor final, ever.

"Honey, I think we're on Revis Island."

"At least he doesn't look at me like I'm a piece of meat, Basil."

"To the LEFT OF MY TITS!!!"

"The body's only two-thirds of a meal, Sharkey. Finish off his head and I'll offer you some dessert."

"He's the CEO of BP. Just wait - he'll have to climb out of the oil at some point."

"You're in luck, Bolton... your fucking filth-ridden, disgusting, droopy mustache is all that's keeping this rogue great white from devouring you."

"Them's the breaks, Harry. There's a new lover in town -- one who appreciates that my mophead nicely complements my 36-24-36 curves."

"Actually, he's a great white bore."

This cartoon has officially jumped the shark.

"Er...Harry...I don't want to alarm you, but he said that he wants to make a Youskin Suit out of you."

Fonzarelli, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you? (with a nod to Tim H)

"All he wants to find out is if you can recommend a good orthodontist in the neighborhood."

Yeah, he looks a lot like Michael Caine, but trust me, it isn't him.

"Well, I think you're sexy, too. It doesn't take an Einstein to figure out how a girl could fall for a big, strong shark..."

"Hello, friends!"

"I said `doesn't' take! Doesn't!"

"I told you not to borrow from a Jew."

"Get off my island."

"Watch out boy she———ll chew you up/Oh here she comes/She———s a maneater.."

"Mrs. Palmer-Geisel, you of all peopel should understand, it's from Elemental/Tears For Fears (6)."


"Mrs. Palmer-Geisel, you of all people should understand, it's simply; Elemental/Tears For Fears (6)."

Hideous Face Island. A sanctuary for the ugly, situated in the middle of Ricki Lake, fed by the Joan Rivers.

"You're gonna need a bigger island."

"Sharkey, I'd like you to meet Palmie. Oh, the guy in the water? He's not important."

"It's mostly him, Harvey. Cover your nose, and get back here."

"Harry, he says he's a vegan, but I wouldn't trust him."

"Oooo . . . gross . . . If I had known you were going to spit out the head, I wouldn't have offered him to you."

———This is no time to be quoting Shakespeare, you jackass, but you———re right . . . ———Yon Cassius does have a lean and hungry look . . .——————

"Look, honey, I'm sorry if you feel I'm being racially insensitive, but considering the land shark, don't you think you could just try to swim?"

———You———re OK for a little while, Wayne . . . he just ate Fred and he knows he shouldn———t go into the water for at least an hour.———

"Henry, forget about finding the waiter, I've got plenty of sushi to share!"

"Henry, come back! Maybe THAT'S what smells like dead fish?!"

———Quit drooling, you big ol' hunk of sexy shark . . . I———ve had him and, believe me, it was no treat.———

"No, *I'm* stranded -- you're an effing fish!"

"Thank you so much! He's been raping me a lot."

"Don't worry, Hon, he nevil shutes in me; at least not until today."


"Dear, I'll never leave you; this shark is a total flake"

"Oy vey! It couldn't have been a tuna or a nice mackerel, maybe?"

Oh, the shark has pretty teeth, dear
And he shows 'em, pearly white
You're pretty much fucked

———Excuse me, Mr. Shark, but shouldn———t you be somewhere else right now? Like, maybe, the Stanley Cup Playoffs???———

———Harry, you get out of the water right now and act like a man! C———mon, let———s see which one of you wants to eat me more!———

"He wants me to watch you getting fucked first."

"We could try getting him hooked on phonics."

"Honey, your Shark and Awe campaign? Two words: 'Mission Accomplished'."

"If you're looking for sharky's machine, it's still in it's box, if you know what I mean."

"A mini desert island with one palm tree. What will that funny magazine think up next!"

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dive."

[Oh, crap! That was CRC's two weeks ago...]

Then how about

Yes, Mr. Bond, I don't expect you to survive.

"Oh, I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, 'Get the fuck out of here!'"

"I don't keep you to think. I keep you for cold nights and days when there's nothing to do."

"I don't know about you, Mr. Shark, but I'll be glad when this particular Anti-Caption contest is done."

"Done, done?"

"Yes. When it's done for good."

"Done, done."

"Exactly. I want it to be over."

"Done done."

"Right...why do you keep..."

"Done done done done done done done done done done...."


" Five'll get ya ten old Macky———s back in town!"

[With a nod to Rob]

"Oddly, he says his favorite Bobby Darin song is Artificial Flowers."

"Can't... breathe. Gills in such... pain."

"The devourers here are marine."

"Frank, he knows you drew this cartoon and he simply wants to chew the fat with you."

"——Hola, Santiago! How was jour day? No so good, huh? Well look what I catched!"

"Oh carp! Walk behind that tree; it's my boyfriend."

The floaters here are cuisine.

Antilles, you crazy bastard! Where the hell are we?

He poses no threat as long as he's beached, you fucking idiot.

"Yes, Roger it's 'that time of the month.' Or as some people call it, 'Shark Week'."

"No, Mr. Tiny-ear-hole, I absolutely did not say 'that's my chum in the water'."

Former Veep maintains nasty, agressive posture, while former Pres. still flounders around aimlessly. A sun-baked Sarah Palin looks on, basking in her own delerium.

———What———s the matter, Wayne? Afraid to come out of the water and meet my new friend? Maybe a little fin envy? Huh, Wayne??? Huh???———

I can clearly see your nuts, so get off my island. Go find us a clipper ship or something useful, you downwardly mobile bubble-head. If I wanted to talk to someone, I would have brought a cell phone. Now, fuck off.

"Let him drown first. They're best eaten cold."

"For god's sake, Fred, just do what he says. Swim off and find some tartar sauce and get it back here as soon as you can!"

"Awrchie, Awrchie, look out! It's a Shaaaaawwk." (Note: unbeknownst to most viewers, Jean Stapleton had perfect tit-tays)

Spoken by either: "Holy smokes! That last fart smelled just like Roy Scheider."

"Apparently, this thing has two penises, so I suggest you get out of the water and work your magic, Sharkbitch."

"Or my Donald, my Donald, my Donald!... but you keep it all inside."

"This used to be a Great White, and if you don't swim for help, Tony, you used to be BP's CEO."

"This is the Bermuda triangle I always dreamed of."

"If you're fat and you have a pokemon thingy that you can stick on your pencil, I'm gonna find you. And rest assured I'm going to kill you."

Alright, I admit it; I wasn't banished from the island. I left in a snit. It's not going so well now. I'm barely keeping my head above water. I'm all alone. God, I've been a jerk. I'm fucking drowning here. Jewish people rock.

Desert island, courtroom, prehistoric cave, wild west saloon, boardroom. Repeat . . .

"Beats watching the San Jose Sharks."

He was packed and looking forward to see his mother in Bora Bora when he lost his carrion.

The lovely Mr. Watts, wife of the former Sonics great, urges her husband to "get out of the oil, Slick."

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to kill Jaws, fashion a boat kiel (sic) using his steel teeth, free us from this god-foresaken island, then do me while MI6 satellites broadcast it to an inscrutably titillated M."

"Hey, hold on a darn minute here! You can't vote me off the island . . . I've got the Immunity Idol!!!"

Usury, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you getting away with it? (This is so lame I feel compelled to point out that this is a Loan Shark.)

"A shark, I think, is like a relationship, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead relationshuip. Hey shark, lets fuck!"

[Hey, CRC, I don't think that shark is alone.]

My bad, honey. You can come out now. He's just a lonesome shark.

Did you find the shark repellent?

"Well, no, don't get me wrong. It was OK; I was just hoping for a whale."

"Rocko - No, in fact, I find the shark quite appealling."

Of course the 12:27 PM posting should say Mrs., not Mr.

"In Soviet Union, shark jumps, I land."

Hey Riff, Bernardo says he won't stab you in the chest if you just come out of the water!

Oh I DO think we have time for one more encore ,Mr. Buffett!

this sushi is a little too fresh, but it's nice they deliver!

"Suddenly skin cancer seems less of worry, doesn't it darling?"

"Martin, it's all psychological. You yell barracuda, everybody says, "Huh? What?" You yell shark, we've got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July."

"Call me Ishmael. . . bitch."

"So, he's like, 'Let's go on a cruise.' And I go, 'No way, ships sink all the time.' And he's like, 'What's the worst that can happen?' And I go--wait a minute, dude is it 4:20?"

"Sorry, Charlie. Only good tasting tunas get to be Star Kist."

"Happy anniversary, it's a shark tooth necklace, go ahead, try it on."

"Now THAT'S what I call a Moby Dick!"



This officially marks the end of The New Yorker's long and checkered history of desert island cartoons.

What's the difference between a lady in a bikini on a desert island and the shark next to her?

One's a beached shark and the other's a sharp bitch.

Relax Sheldon. We're that much closer to a minyan.

"Don't worry, Honey, this shark's just a basking in the sun"

"The owees here are piscene. Good thing this is a nurse shark!" (worst ever!)

"I'll find him for three, you said, but I'll catch him and kill him, for ten, you said...Well?"

You're daydreaming again, aren't you dear?

Eight years marooned here and I've been a perfect gentleman. Can I at least see your tits before I die?

"Congratulations Mr. Shark. You've inspired even worse captions than last week."


"I don't care if he doesn't have a birth certificate; electing an unqualified, undocumented shark to run the island simply makes me feel better about myself."

"Look out ol' Macky is back!"

"Is that you Radosh? I've never met a Jew before."

You don't need to know if it's a teabag or a tampon just stay the hell away from the shark's mouth.

The salesman told me it would get 8.1 cm per year but I swear it hasn't moved a fucking inch since we bought it.

So what if you watched? No one is going to believe you. It's my word against yours so start swimming Charlie.

Oh hi there citizen! The Congressman and I were just sitting here talking about abstinence. Doesn't that sound hot!

We'll ask you one last time, and you better get it right. Do you think climate change is caused by human activity on the planet?



Thinks to himself,"Now what did I say to that Genie to get THIS as a granted wish?!?"

"No More Coconuts! I want MEAT!"

"Come on in boy... it's okay... Gees... the book said that they LOVE water!"

My 'ho' has a ho in her head!

Bet you're glad we signed that prenup now?

———Uhhhhh, uhhhhh, uhhhhh, he has a GUN!———

See? I told you role reversal would open up entirely new horizons for you!

What are you afraid of? The Isurus here are serene.

"Don't worry, honey. There's plenty of fish in the sea."

"Honey, don't worry, he says he from Jaws For Jesus."

I guess you're floundering while I loll here today.

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