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May 10, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #240

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

anti cap 240 human hedges.jpg

In his dotage, the Yankee Clipper found solace in his garden, while an artist's approximation of his beloved Marilyn at 75 gazed down. --Mr. Silly

"Oh, honey, art's imitating life; a Nuthatch and a Red-cockaded Woodpecker have found their way into your asshole again." --Anonymous

"Gives "gardening tool" a whole new meaning. --PG man

"A muse; yourself, Dear." -- Tits up Word Play by Spowie

For additional honorable mentions and a Judge's Comment for each winner go here.


"My advice? Grow a dick."

Someone has just mutilated our son, who resembles you but is bushy headed.

"Feels good to get out of the house and out of your own head, don't you think?"

Frank, I'm glad you've been so cheery, but we haven't slept together once since you found those rusty shears. And your pants have been so bloody. We need to talk.

"You never answered my question, Henry: do you think my boxtree needs trimming or not?"

"I was talking about repainting the living room when I wanted to see more taupe, Harry."

"Sure you've made our hedges more fun, Cedric, but what I really asked was 'don't you think we could make more in a hedge fund?'"

"I see you were able to prune. And while we're on the subject, how is that shriveled up dick of yours?"

"Lovely, dear. When you're done would you bring the cuticle scissors and make my bush into a mini-me?"

"Can't you do anything right, Walter? I told you to make them look like the 22-year-old pool boy I'm banging. Now start over!"

"I like them better before you turned them into he women."

"I know to do the boxwood gives you wood, Chuck, but my box would, too."

Christ, what an asshole.

"Beats watching the LA Clippers."

Okay, I get the point. You think I emasculate you.

Did you fucking put LSD in my tea again?

"You're gay, bald and narcissistic. Did I mention gay, bald and narcissistic?"

"The bowers here are obscene."

Noth thing happening here.

Topiary, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?

"Hey Phil, Oprah just called; you've been canceled."

You make me want to move out of Arizona and find an immigrant who can actually do this job.

———And yet I can———t get you to fertilize one fucking crop of mine on FarmVille.———

"Honey, you forgot your hedge hog."

I doubted your insanity defense, but I can clearly see your nuts.

"It's sort of like Hieronymus Bosch, except without the gayness. Oh, wait - there it is. And there. And there. And there. And over there..."

"And to think, Johnny was once People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive."

"Ok, I apologize...a man needs a hobby. So stop with the fucking topiary and go back to molesting children."

Narcissus the plant, you idiot!

Well, that's a relief. When you said you were going out to "trim the jew nippers", I assumed you were moonlighting as a mohel.

"It's a world of laughter, a world of fun. . . "

"Get off my lawn."

"Has anyone told you that this hobby of yours is shear madness?"

"Yeah, real nice, Harry . . . but you're still just a friggin' gardener."

To think I could have married Harry Bush.

"It's a world of hopes, it's a world of fear. . . "

"Whoa, this coffee is strong! How many cups did you say you drank this morning?"

Eduardo Manos de Tijeras.

"That's exactly why I don't let you cut my hair anymore, Fred."

No willies, you crazy bastard! I want them anatomically correct.

"Keep trying, Honey, but it'll never change the fact that humongous angry black men raped you in prison."

"Stick it, Gay-Rod!"

"Gee dear, whatever you do, please don't cut your own fucking head off."

———Unemployment hasn———t been kind to you, has it, Carl?———

Our poodle looks just like you this morning, asshole.

When he's finished, Harry lets his wife cut off their penises - a classic example of art imitating life.

"Upon closer examination of her bush, Elena decided to trim it herself."

"You don't speak Spanish, do you?"

"Ed Wood Scissorhands"

"Get out of my bush."

They're hideous, Juan, and you're fired!

"When I said I wanted a showy display of your manhood on my bush... oh never mind."

We're truly sorry about you losing your manhood in the chipper, but don't you think you could compensate some other way?

You missed a few spots.

"The local lesbian chapter just called. They're sending you flowers for your part in a record quarter of recruitment."

"I can't see anything from the window at this angle. We have bushes?"

I brought a couple of bonzai. Do you mind?

I brought a couple of bonsai. Do you mind?

Your balls are in the sock drawer where they always are.

"Call me crazy, Carl, but Clara Clifford said your clean copper clippers kept in a closet were copped by Claude Cooper a kleptomaniac from Cleveland."

"Ayn Rand called; she wants her copy of Fatass Shrubbed back"

"If you're using Fiskars, that sort of sounds like whiskers, which reminds me that my whisker-biscuit could use some face-time."

"Bush was a nigthmare. What you're doing is just revisionist hedgery."

Well, I DID promise you a little trim.

"Your ass is grass!"

"Who's Dallas Braden?"

"He'll be dead from Dutch Elm disease in a week."

"I'm not alarmed now, but I just can't believe that I bought the stairway to heaven for this. Spring clean for the may queen, my ass."

In an alternative universe, this disgraced BP executive finds work in the only field still open to him. In our world, Alejandro does the landscaping.

"Honey, come and see what I did with the furniture."

"No Senior Bond, I expect you to do the gardening when you're NOT high."

"Your 11 o'clock bris is ready."

Well, well, well...morning coffee with the narcissistic gardner. What a treat.

How nice. Edward scissor idiot strikes again.

———You call this ———Southwestern Contemporary———??? I don———t think so, Jackass.———

———So . . . you really find all this appropriate for a pre-school play yard, do you, Mr. Sicko???———

Gives "gardening tool" a whole new meaning.

The Sanitarium grounds look lovely today, Mr. Cheney.

Melvin, come see what this idiot has done! I want Juan fired for these vanities.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye... them so they look more realistic.

She loves me, she loves me not...

"Do what you want with the hedge. Just leave my bush alone."

They call him Clipper, Clipper faster than lightening,
No one you see is smarter than he

Fuck it, lightning. Clipper's smart, not me.

"Robert Young just called. He recommends this Sanka. I guess because he plays a doctor on TV, he feels he has the right to dole out medical advice. But anyway, his identity confusion pales next to yours."

"The self-referentiality has a clever postmodern twist to it... but what the fuck is up with the Jack-in-the-Box bobblehead?"

My, this is crazy! We don't have any hedges that are 20 feet tall and 10 feet wide!

"You had no idea this was going to appear on the back page of the New Yorker, so I don't know why you didn't endow your likenesses with long schlongs."

"Next, I suggest you circumcise Paul Noth."

correckshun: ""You had no idea this was going to appear on the back page of the New Yorker, so I don't know why you didn't aggrandize your likenesses with long schlongs."

"There once was a man who would trim
Many bushes in the image of him
Though he always had wood
He detached his manhood
When he cut off a most vital limb."

"Oh bravo, Phyllis. Just for that, no trip to Nantucket this year."

"Once again, Alan, you've made me afraid to look out this window. Well done."

"That baggage handler you hired is here."

Ego Clip

From just inside the window, a topiary of Jim's wife gazes down lovingly, a reminder of their 47 years together.

"I never promised you a rose garden."

I said trim THE bush, not HIS bush. Now their ruined.

Now everyone in the neighborhood will finally know what a tiny dick you have.

Let's see ... egotistic, unoriginal, no balls, playing all by himself, producing the same crap over and over ... I know this guy.

"George, dear, shouldn't you ought to have your toup——e on in this sun?"

"Oh, honey, art's imitating life; a Nuthatch and a Red-cockaded Woodpecker have found their way into your asshole again."

———Oh, sure, Wayne, you———re all about the clipping and the trimming, but I ask for a simple pedicure and you———re too friggin——— busy!!!———

———Now I know you have your own ideas about war, Corporal, but here at the Weapons Testing Center, you will use Agent Orange or any other defoliant like you———re told!———

This is growing old, honey. Why don't you come inside and send out a few resumes? Oh, you have some captions to judge, too. And Senator Effron left you a message.

You're so vain, you probably think this garden's about you.


This is the last time we hire one of your ex-wives to cut our hedges.


I don't care how much the gardener likes you, he's not joining us in the bedroom.

I'm afraid I just green myself.

I love tea, but I hate these drive by shrubbery sculptings!


Want us to email you when the next cartoon becomes avialable?


"I guess it comes with the territory when you're married to a dangerous psychotic."

"I feel like I'd appreciate this more if the mere thought of you didn't trigger my gag reflex."

"While your screwing around in the yard I'm stuck inside this white hole event horizon with no wall/floor definition and in desperate need of a fukyon colonic which I'm sure you're familiar with."

"While you're screwing.....

Dont' forget to make one with those Eisenhower nipples,Dear!

"In Soviet Union, hedge trims you"

"Oh baby, the way you manhandle those bushes makes me yearn for your pinky-sized, nearly-invisible, never-quite-fully-hard, I-actually-think-i've-seen-bigger-clits cock."

I love me...I love me not...

"What's taking so long, Harry? You promised to give me sex as soon as you finished the hedges!"

"Honey, I'm worried. You've been acting weird every since you were made the Branch Manager."

"Oh, almost as many topiaries as McGaugh entries."

"The Olympics people called. They still don't think it's a sport."

"You slaughtered a couple of midges- do you mind?

"Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'nee' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history."

No Awrchie, I wanted a prune danish!

"Who's Frank Oz?"

"Those sweet, diligent Mexicans you picked up at Home Depot to bag your trimmings just went all Chupacabra on my pussy. Hungry?"

"A muse; yourself, Dear."

"The only thing that need trimming around here, Harry, is your ego."

"I'm done with the chainsaw. Best. orgasm. ever."

"Hurry up with those tea leaves, goddammit!"

"I've said it before and I'll say it again: Henry, for a man with no legs, you are quite an inspiration."

"Well, you're a little full of yourself and very deceptive, but you sure do know how to manipulate a bush's image...Wait a minute, aren't you Ari Fleischer?"

"WTF??! I thought you were going to paint the living room!"

"I dated a guy once who could fart bubbles that looked like himself."

"Ah Ah Ahhhh! I didn't say you could trim the hedges NEXT to the house!"

Edward Sizzorhands finally had the operation and eventually got a job as an accountant. But deep inside, he still yearned for the 'old days'.

"Did you smoke a clip-joint?"

In his dotage, the Yankee Clipper found solace in his garden, while an artist's approximation of his beloved Marilyn at 75 gazed down.

"Honey, have you been hitting the prune juice again?"

"Honey? Congratulations. You inspired the worst anti-caps, ever."

"Must be hot out there. Your little brother just Bradshawed in the living room again."

Who's up for the next Brazillian?

I appreciate your 'commitment to excellence'
JaMarcus Russell is still a bigger bust!

Hey Francisco, Dagny thought it was a copy of
"The Fountainhedge"
Anyways, who is willie gault?

"It's funny how different people deal with stress in different ways. Huh. Anyhow, it's time for your vasectomy."

".....and then you said, 'If I were your husband I'd drink it.'"

"Well, aren't you a little cock of the walk?"

When you're finished there would you come in and fix this god damned caption counter?

"Those Ligustrum are vulgare."

"I'm haunted by the foliage of your visage."

"I'll be back in a few hours. I have a softball game."

"You used to design floats of the Rose Bowl Parade, didn't you?"

"Don't forget to leave extra hair in the butt cracks."

"You're making a mountain out of an asshole again, Harry."

"You forgot to carve bases on the butt-plugs."

"I may be a horticulturalist, Mr. Treemount, but I'm not a whoreticulturalist."

Wait 'til you see the front yard, dear. I've re-created our wedding night in the boxwoods.

"No, Mr. Cavanaugh, I don't blow leaves."

"Did you know you have warblers nesting in your genitals?"

"Whoever you are, please stop doing that to my garden."

"Please try to see things from my perspective."

"The mensches here are balding."

"I don't know what the queers are doing to the soil, but they're doing a number on the shrubs."

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