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May 3, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #239

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Anti cap 238 witness in hottub.jpg

I doubted your insanity defense, but I can clearly see your nuts.--wizalt

"When you say you're 'in really hot water right now,' do you mean it in the I'm-guilty-of-murdering-my-wife sense?"-- t.a.m.s.y.

"Ok, Captain Pike, I've some questions about these shorts that we found on Talos IV... Please bulge you right eye for "yes"and your left eye for "no". Understand? Is that a maybe?"-- cta

For additional Honorale Mentions and Judge's Comments go here.


"Try these on. It'll keep the oatmeal from running up your bunghole."

"Hey, I don't blame you for feeling groggy. Vey's still learning perspective."

"Get into my trunks."

"May I present before the court, your honor, the following piece of evidence: heavy starching."

"This isn't February 22, and you aren't a Supreme Court Justice -- and your split personality plea won't wash."

"Have you ever, prior to today in this courtroom, seen shorts so unnaturally rigid? Before you answer, I must remind you that you are still in a jacuzzi."

"The drawers here are unyielding."

"When you say you're 'in really hot water right now,' do you mean it in the I'm-guilty-of-murdering-my-wife sense?"

———I hold in my hand Exhibit A, and I———ll ask the defendant to exhibit B.———

"Were these the short shorts you were wearing when you were apprehended by the fashion police?———

"Yes, Alfie, the rules allow five. But sometimes it's better to stop after one."

"We may not have a 'smoking gun,' Little Tony, but these shorts definitely seem smokin' to me."

"Your only hope now is for a well hung jury."

Excuse me, did you drop these?

"It's crucial to the court, Mr. Phelps, to establish where your head was at on the night of June 13th."

When I file this brief with the court, you, sir, will be on the hot seat.

Hot Tub Time Machine II: Wash & Dry (2011), rated 2.7 on IMDb

"Mr. Groening, we are all aware that your show has not been funny in years. If it please the court, would you explain your often-repeated exhortation to eat these?"

What do you say that the only witness, Invisible Man, wore shorts for the court. His penis is invisible, he doesn't even need shorts.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to lie.

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my hot tub with a pair of stiff shorts.

"Jacuzzi! you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?"

I would caution you to get serious, or you will end up in Margaritaville...State Prison.

"Your Honor, please instruct the defendant that `the judge is drinking a beer' can't be his response for every question."

"It was Master Fudge, in the Pool Room, with the Floaties. I have the track marks to prove it!"

"Yes, these are `fun to wear'. But in this case, Mr. Thomas, the 'under-ruse' was your tricking that boy into taking roofies, wasn't it?"

"Your honor, I cite Swoboda v. The City of Baltimore as evidence that a bad defense won't prevent winning."

"We've established that you wouldn't be caught dead in these, but the victim wasn't so lucky"


"And you just couldn't help yourself, could you, when he shook his sweet ass like this?"

Alright, Mr. alinla (if that's your real name). Tell the jury once again what happened to Harry Effron and explain why his shorts were stained with your man-seed.

———Why are you in a hot tub today, sir? Trying to get rid of your crabs? The same crabs the male victim had? That's right! These are his shorts, and I've licked the crotch. It's like the value menu at Long John Silver's in there!"

"If it doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

"Witness please don't stand."

"Sorry to crash down on your little pity party, my tub had a leak for several weeks and it rotted my floor out, I would have fixed it but I was too drunk and lazy to get out of the tub, anyone got a light."

"We Arkansan's don't wash our dirty laundry in a public hearing [burrrrrrrrrrp]."

"Waiter, send her another beer I think she's warming up to me and take your stinking paws off my shorts, you damned dirty ape!

"Take a picture it last longer."

Get out of my seat!

"Those can't be mine, I was naked at the scene of the crime."

"Keep waving that flag I'm almost at full salute."

Well, Obama DID promise us change. Try these on.

I doubted your insanity defense, but I can clearly see your nuts.

"Are you haunted by the feces on your victims?"

"You know, you really ought to put these on so that your intestines don't get sucked out by the filter..."

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dive.

"So, you AGREE that I'm holding the smoking trunks?"

"I'll make THIS brief... get it... Brief?!...hahaha... Okay, no further questions. Wait... would it have been funnier if I mentioned that I was a tailor?!"

"I thought those things on your forehead were eyes until I looked under the right side lump."

"Seeing you naked will certainly cause me multiple sarcasms!"

"Then who's are they?"

"That's smart, Eddie. The first place cops look is in the trunks."

Your Honor, Please tell Mr. Geisel that I can not,will not join him in his tub
And I will not, can not help him with his scrub!!

Listen Trent,there is no way even for a 'million dollars' I'm getting 'jiggy' with you in the sundance hottub and no way in Hell I'm using the microwave after Rich

Class action lawsuit against Richard Simmons Hair Growth Treatment:

"Your honour, this man used to be a corporate lawyer that fit into these leisure wear shorts. Now he's just a drunk monster with stink lines and an unruly tubful of public hair that resembles R. Simmons' bedhead."

Does the witness understand that there is no such thing as a class-action swimsuit?

Request permission to treat the witness as puerile, your honor.

Request permission to treat the witness as puerile, your honor.

I quess you're wondering why I recalled you here today.

When Ms. Hilton surfaces your Honor let the record state we find her behavior 'kinky and SORDID' not 'short-hid' and P.S. we found them!

"Before answering, Mr. Smith, I remind you that you're naked and under water."

"Are these or are these not your swim trunks that were found under Dike's Bridge off Chappaquiddick Island, Mr. Kennedy?"

"Permission to treat the witness as Post Toasties."

"You've indicated that you brought 'enough drinks for everyone', that there are 3 of us here, and that you and the judge have drinks. Do your shorts contain the third drink, my drink, Mister Colonic? Yes or no!"

"What if I told you these were actually made of cheese? Would that be enough to get you out of the jacuzzi so we can start the trial?"

"More like 'jerk-cuzzi,' amirite, Judge?"

"You're in a giant bucket of shit now, motherfucker."

"Daniel, put your shorts back on and get back to blogging."

"skinnny dip. You: fat tub of lard."

Having seen the evidence, your honor, his groin injury case belongs in small claims court.

Permission to crotch-examine, your honor?

"That's a piranha nibbling your balls, not the sweet bubbles of justice."

"Do you think we don't see those little bubbles or the squiggly stink lines? Dude, you can't just fart in court."

"Bad news - the judge is extracting her electric Ben-Wa balls to throw in your tub. Good News - your tapeworms appears to have been driven away by the heat.

"Psst...play your cards right and we can make a judge-sandwich."

"So, Mr. Shahzad, your perfectly conceived plan had one Achilles heel. That's right. These trunks."

"Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

"I'm trapped in the 'Event Horizon', I appear to be here but in reality I was torn to pieces a million years ago and ended up nothing."

"I don't want your hand-me-downs, Richard."

"Hey rock for brains, does this look like Goodwill to you?"

"Sorry, we don't provide lay-a-way."

"Ok, Captain Pike, I've some questions about these shorts that we found on Talos IV... Please bulge you right eye for "yes"and your left eye for "no". Understand? Is that a maybe?"

"Is that Herv—— Villechaize under there, or does lying in court excite you?"

"The jury would like you to know that, yes, they are Chinese, and, yes, they play joke."

"Hi, I'm Rich Lather and I once won a. . . oh, say, that IS rich lather!"

"May I borrow these?"

"Because one of the two men you rub a dubbed out was wearing this suit."

"You look a bit too comfortable in the hot seat Mr. Blagojevich so let me shake things up a little."

"Did you hide the missing, presumed to be dead, person in the hot tub--yes or no?"

"Spit the he gerbil into the pants, or the bitch uses her hammer on ya."

"Spit the gerbil into the pants, or the bitch uses her hammer on ya."

your honor I thought the defendant meant he lived adjacent to the courthouse,
but further analysis shows he lives ejaculate to the courthouse

Hey I hear you man. I've had it up to here with pomegranate juice guzzling, frizzy haired, feminist activist judges, too.
Just fucking confess, OK?

Getting that thing in here was impressive enough but pulling off the plumbing and electrical is really mindblowing.

"Look -- and I'm sure Judge Robbins will agree -- if you want to get a job here as a court reporter, you have to wear pants."

"Mr. McGaugh, your contention is that you were indeed seated naked in that jacuzzi--as you are every day--when your gay lover was murdered?"

I move that your honor issue a writ of habeas porpoise.

"You planted these to implicate a human, but you left scales- scales of justice. Admit you killed Ethel, merman!"

"And then you butchered the baker and the candlestick maker?"

"We all know it was you who drew your own fucking bath, Mr. Vey...this tilted, fluffy, disgusting bath."

I have your pants. I have your paaaaaaaaants!

"Your Honor, I move that you sequester the jury and Sylvester the Cat."

"Then educate us, Mr. Harris, on why swim trunks would come in 32 long."

"No, that's the Rorschach Inkblot test, and I'm not holding up two large breasts."

"The towel is off getting high, so this is the best we could do. As your attorney, I advise you to put them on."

Mr. Polanski, I can't believe I let you get away with this 'Feng Shui' defense of recreating the scene of the crime on the witness stand as a way to help you remember what happened.

Mom's not going to look at your penis, just put these on so we don't have to look at your Mets tattoo.

When I said this would be a heated cross examination, I wasn't kidding.

"Ms. holden_c, we find you guilty of being humorless and boring, we sentence you to three years as the Pope's altar Bitch."

"And at that point, when you attempted to strangle Pat Benatar with this underwear, is it true that she asked you to 'stop using sex as a weapon?'"

The trousers here are obscene.

"No, Mr. Bond, if found guilty, we expect you to fry."

Does anyone else think "Robert E. Leak" is J.D. crashing the contest?

"Mr. Shahzad, your Emirates Airline flight number was 202, you live at 202 Sheridan Street, Bridgeport, CT, yet your swim trunks are Speedo—— Lunar Square Leg Swim Trunks -- Model No. 203. Why don't you come clean?!"

[Aargh! "...I expect you to fry."]

Vicar, I'll be brief...word of your screen name "booty-bubbles" is a buzz at the Vatican. You're going to Rome!

———I hold in my hand....the worst possible cap for your petroleum overflow.———

"If it please the Court, we request that Mr. Smith not go commando in the hot tub."

"Please place your right hand on the trunks and repeat after me: 'I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God'."

"You said that your eyesight is excellent, but now that I'm closer, you can clearly see there is only one object in my hand. Let the record show that the witness originally saw a PAIR of shorts."

Poorly acted by a blind, waltzing over-rated SOB: "No, you're out of order! The hot tub is out of order! They're out of order! That man, that sick, crazy, depraved man, sat in a hot tub nekkid, and he'd like to do it again!"

"Hey everybody lets have a little disorder in the court. On three, Dance-off-with-your-pants-off. Yooohooooo!"

"If your scrotum has adequately loosened up, it would please the court a lot if you could show us "Popeye", "Chicken Pot Pie" and "Elevator Full of Suitcases" again.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to try them on.

———And, Mr. Kaelin, are these the swim trunks you wore when you stabbed Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson to death?———

You may be our star witness, Mr. Gravano, but you still need to wear your shorts in the hot tub.

I have quite a few questions for you this morning, so, if you don't want boiled nuts, you better put on these insulated shorts.

Your honor, this is highly irregular. The shorts, I mean. They're irregulars. I got a great deal on them.

Now that you've relaxed in our spa and had a few drinks, I'm going to pluck some hairs from your scrotum to see if they match the ones found in these trunks.

"It would please the prosecution if Your Honor would remove the toilet seat cover from her head."

Considering the amount of surface agitation he's creating, I beg the court for a brief recess.

"You look surprised, Mr. Spritzer."

Our rules allow you to make four more entries, and while we actually encourage tastelessness, I strongly urge you to use these.

"Exhibit A: the shorts worn by the murder suspect, and Exhibit B: a cum dumpster."

Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! When your ass has cooled sufficiently, we'll try it again.

Testimony, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you not guilty?

I'm not crazy about it either, Mr. Effron, but we need to see for ourselves that you don't have the balls to continue.

Yes, 1980 was a long time ago, but we were certain that the hot tub, swim shorts and big hair would jog your memory. Now, can you tell us what brought you to New York on Dec. 8th of that year?

The outlaws here come clean.

As your lawyer, I———d advise you to put on these shorts before getting out. She can be really judgmental when it comes to penis size.

I don't have a clue why Phyllis Diller is sitting up there watching you bathe either, but if you don't want her to ridicule your tiny penis, you'll put these on.

If these vibrating trunks aren't yours, then why don't you stand up and prove it?

———Your Honor, when the defendant speaks of Big Ben in the first person, he———s not referring to the one with half a brain.———

That is, is it not sir, a hot tub crime machine.

"Your tub is full of salmon. What will it be? Roe or wade?"

Whew! Odor in the shorts!

"And when you told the deceased 'Eat my shorts', were these the shorts you were referring to?"

———Your dick may do your thinking for you, Mr. Roethlisberger, but it can———t speak for you in the courtroom.———

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