The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #239
al in laSubmit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
WINNER
I doubted your insanity defense, but I can clearly see your nuts.--wizalt
SECOND PLACE
"When you say you're 'in really hot water right now,' do you mean it in the I'm-guilty-of-murdering-my-wife sense?"-- t.a.m.s.y.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Ok, Captain Pike, I've some questions about these shorts that we found on Talos IV... Please bulge you right eye for "yes"and your left eye for "no". Understand? Is that a maybe?"-- cta
For additional Honorale Mentions and Judge's Comments go here.
Comments
"Try these on. It'll keep the oatmeal from running up your bunghole."
Posted by: clannish | May 3, 2010 4:57 AM
"Hey, I don't blame you for feeling groggy. Vey's still learning perspective."
Posted by: clannish | May 3, 2010 5:00 AM
"Get into my trunks."
Posted by: gluelicker | May 3, 2010 5:05 AM
"May I present before the court, your honor, the following piece of evidence: heavy starching."
Posted by: gluelicker | May 3, 2010 5:09 AM
"This isn't February 22, and you aren't a Supreme Court Justice -- and your split personality plea won't wash."
Posted by: gluelicker | May 3, 2010 5:19 AM
"Have you ever, prior to today in this courtroom, seen shorts so unnaturally rigid? Before you answer, I must remind you that you are still in a jacuzzi."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | May 3, 2010 5:22 AM
"The drawers here are unyielding."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | May 3, 2010 5:33 AM
"When you say you're 'in really hot water right now,' do you mean it in the I'm-guilty-of-murdering-my-wife sense?"
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | May 3, 2010 6:02 AM
———I hold in my hand Exhibit A, and I———ll ask the defendant to exhibit B.———
Posted by: dwilk | May 3, 2010 7:13 AM
"Were these the short shorts you were wearing when you were apprehended by the fashion police?———
Posted by: Richard H | May 3, 2010 7:42 AM
"Yes, Alfie, the rules allow five. But sometimes it's better to stop after one."
Posted by: Richard H | May 3, 2010 7:43 AM
"We may not have a 'smoking gun,' Little Tony, but these shorts definitely seem smokin' to me."
Posted by: Richard H | May 3, 2010 7:45 AM
"Your only hope now is for a well hung jury."
Posted by: Rob | May 3, 2010 7:50 AM
Excuse me, did you drop these?
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 3, 2010 7:53 AM
"It's crucial to the court, Mr. Phelps, to establish where your head was at on the night of June 13th."
Posted by: Rob | May 3, 2010 8:04 AM
When I file this brief with the court, you, sir, will be on the hot seat.
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 3, 2010 8:09 AM
Hot Tub Time Machine II: Wash & Dry (2011), rated 2.7 on IMDb
Posted by: Glenn | May 3, 2010 8:37 AM
"Mr. Groening, we are all aware that your show has not been funny in years. If it please the court, would you explain your often-repeated exhortation to eat these?"
Posted by: Kyle J. | May 3, 2010 8:48 AM
What do you say that the only witness, Invisible Man, wore shorts for the court. His penis is invisible, he doesn't even need shorts.
Posted by: lanemcclain | May 3, 2010 9:28 AM
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to lie.
Posted by: CRC | May 3, 2010 9:58 AM
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my hot tub with a pair of stiff shorts.
Posted by: Poe | May 3, 2010 10:04 AM
"Jacuzzi! you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?"
Posted by: RL | May 3, 2010 10:44 AM
I would caution you to get serious, or you will end up in Margaritaville...State Prison.
Posted by: LK | May 3, 2010 10:46 AM
"Your Honor, please instruct the defendant that `the judge is drinking a beer' can't be his response for every question."
Posted by: Damon | May 3, 2010 11:06 AM
"It was Master Fudge, in the Pool Room, with the Floaties. I have the track marks to prove it!"
Posted by: Brian L | May 3, 2010 11:39 AM
"Yes, these are `fun to wear'. But in this case, Mr. Thomas, the 'under-ruse' was your tricking that boy into taking roofies, wasn't it?"
Posted by: Damon | May 3, 2010 12:04 PM
"Your honor, I cite Swoboda v. The City of Baltimore as evidence that a bad defense won't prevent winning."
Posted by: dwilk | May 3, 2010 12:16 PM
"We've established that you wouldn't be caught dead in these, but the victim wasn't so lucky"
Posted by: LR | May 3, 2010 12:34 PM
J'acuzz!
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 3, 2010 12:42 PM
"And you just couldn't help yourself, could you, when he shook his sweet ass like this?"
Posted by: LR | May 3, 2010 1:04 PM
Alright, Mr. alinla (if that's your real name). Tell the jury once again what happened to Harry Effron and explain why his shorts were stained with your man-seed.
Posted by: JIm Cavanaugh | May 3, 2010 1:12 PM
———Why are you in a hot tub today, sir? Trying to get rid of your crabs? The same crabs the male victim had? That's right! These are his shorts, and I've licked the crotch. It's like the value menu at Long John Silver's in there!"
Posted by: Damon | May 3, 2010 1:36 PM
"If it doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
Posted by: cta | May 3, 2010 1:40 PM
"Witness please don't stand."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 3, 2010 1:50 PM
"Sorry to crash down on your little pity party, my tub had a leak for several weeks and it rotted my floor out, I would have fixed it but I was too drunk and lazy to get out of the tub, anyone got a light."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 3, 2010 1:54 PM
"We Arkansan's don't wash our dirty laundry in a public hearing [burrrrrrrrrrp]."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 3, 2010 2:01 PM
"Waiter, send her another beer I think she's warming up to me and take your stinking paws off my shorts, you damned dirty ape!
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 3, 2010 2:07 PM
"Take a picture it last longer."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 3, 2010 2:14 PM
Get out of my seat!
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 3, 2010 2:15 PM
"Those can't be mine, I was naked at the scene of the crime."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 3, 2010 2:16 PM
"Keep waving that flag I'm almost at full salute."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 3, 2010 2:22 PM
Well, Obama DID promise us change. Try these on.
Posted by: CRC | May 3, 2010 4:10 PM
I doubted your insanity defense, but I can clearly see your nuts.
Posted by: wizalt | May 3, 2010 4:41 PM
"Are you haunted by the feces on your victims?"
Posted by: Glenn | May 3, 2010 4:47 PM
"You know, you really ought to put these on so that your intestines don't get sucked out by the filter..."
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | May 3, 2010 5:39 PM
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dive.
Posted by: CRC | May 3, 2010 5:52 PM
"So, you AGREE that I'm holding the smoking trunks?"
Posted by: Rob | May 3, 2010 6:04 PM
"I'll make THIS brief... get it... Brief?!...hahaha... Okay, no further questions. Wait... would it have been funnier if I mentioned that I was a tailor?!"
"I thought those things on your forehead were eyes until I looked under the right side lump."
"Seeing you naked will certainly cause me multiple sarcasms!"
"Then who's are they?"
Posted by: Johnny V | May 3, 2010 7:52 PM
"That's smart, Eddie. The first place cops look is in the trunks."
Posted by: dwilk | May 3, 2010 8:56 PM
Your Honor, Please tell Mr. Geisel that I can not,will not join him in his tub
And I will not, can not help him with his scrub!!
Posted by: poverty suds | May 3, 2010 9:26 PM
Listen Trent,there is no way even for a 'million dollars' I'm getting 'jiggy' with you in the sundance hottub and no way in Hell I'm using the microwave after Rich
Posted by: Temescal Bubba | May 3, 2010 9:32 PM
Class action lawsuit against Richard Simmons Hair Growth Treatment:
"Your honour, this man used to be a corporate lawyer that fit into these leisure wear shorts. Now he's just a drunk monster with stink lines and an unruly tubful of public hair that resembles R. Simmons' bedhead."
Posted by: AL F. | May 3, 2010 9:35 PM
Does the witness understand that there is no such thing as a class-action swimsuit?
Posted by: Rocko | May 3, 2010 10:51 PM
Request permission to treat the witness as puerile, your honor.
Posted by: Rocko | May 3, 2010 10:56 PM
Request permission to treat the witness as puerile, your honor.
Posted by: Rocko | May 3, 2010 10:58 PM
I quess you're wondering why I recalled you here today.
Posted by: Rocko | May 3, 2010 10:59 PM
When Ms. Hilton surfaces your Honor let the record state we find her behavior 'kinky and SORDID' not 'short-hid' and P.S. we found them!
Posted by: perez friends | May 3, 2010 11:04 PM
"Before answering, Mr. Smith, I remind you that you're naked and under water."
Posted by: Dave | May 3, 2010 11:17 PM
"Are these or are these not your swim trunks that were found under Dike's Bridge off Chappaquiddick Island, Mr. Kennedy?"
Posted by: holden_c | May 4, 2010 12:20 AM
"Permission to treat the witness as Post Toasties."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 4, 2010 7:19 AM
"You've indicated that you brought 'enough drinks for everyone', that there are 3 of us here, and that you and the judge have drinks. Do your shorts contain the third drink, my drink, Mister Colonic? Yes or no!"
Posted by: Glenn | May 4, 2010 7:44 AM
"What if I told you these were actually made of cheese? Would that be enough to get you out of the jacuzzi so we can start the trial?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 4, 2010 7:46 AM
"More like 'jerk-cuzzi,' amirite, Judge?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 4, 2010 7:47 AM
"You're in a giant bucket of shit now, motherfucker."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 4, 2010 7:48 AM
"Daniel, put your shorts back on and get back to blogging."
Posted by: Brian L | May 4, 2010 11:30 AM
"skinnny dip. You: fat tub of lard."
Posted by: Brian L | May 4, 2010 11:33 AM
Having seen the evidence, your honor, his groin injury case belongs in small claims court.
Posted by: Rocko | May 4, 2010 11:37 AM
Permission to crotch-examine, your honor?
Posted by: JIm Cavanaugh | May 4, 2010 11:54 AM
"That's a piranha nibbling your balls, not the sweet bubbles of justice."
Posted by: Grandma | May 4, 2010 12:23 PM
"Do you think we don't see those little bubbles or the squiggly stink lines? Dude, you can't just fart in court."
Posted by: Fancy Pants | May 4, 2010 12:26 PM
"Bad news - the judge is extracting her electric Ben-Wa balls to throw in your tub. Good News - your tapeworms appears to have been driven away by the heat.
Posted by: Grandma | May 4, 2010 12:35 PM
"Psst...play your cards right and we can make a judge-sandwich."
Posted by: Penelope | May 4, 2010 12:46 PM
"So, Mr. Shahzad, your perfectly conceived plan had one Achilles heel. That's right. These trunks."
Posted by: Tim H | May 4, 2010 2:10 PM
"Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
Posted by: Kathy H | May 4, 2010 2:13 PM
"I'm trapped in the 'Event Horizon', I appear to be here but in reality I was torn to pieces a million years ago and ended up nothing."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 4, 2010 3:06 PM
"I don't want your hand-me-downs, Richard."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 4, 2010 3:09 PM
"Hey rock for brains, does this look like Goodwill to you?"
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 4, 2010 3:11 PM
"Sorry, we don't provide lay-a-way."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 4, 2010 3:13 PM
"Ok, Captain Pike, I've some questions about these shorts that we found on Talos IV... Please bulge you right eye for "yes"and your left eye for "no". Understand? Is that a maybe?"
Posted by: cta | May 4, 2010 3:46 PM
"Is that Herv—— Villechaize under there, or does lying in court excite you?"
Posted by: Rich Lather | May 4, 2010 4:07 PM
"The jury would like you to know that, yes, they are Chinese, and, yes, they play joke."
Posted by: Rich Lather | May 4, 2010 4:10 PM
"Hi, I'm Rich Lather and I once won a. . . oh, say, that IS rich lather!"
Posted by: holden_c | May 4, 2010 4:36 PM
"May I borrow these?"
Posted by: Tim H | May 4, 2010 4:50 PM
"Because one of the two men you rub a dubbed out was wearing this suit."
Posted by: Rob | May 4, 2010 6:10 PM
"You look a bit too comfortable in the hot seat Mr. Blagojevich so let me shake things up a little."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 4, 2010 6:43 PM
"Did you hide the missing, presumed to be dead, person in the hot tub--yes or no?"
Posted by: Earl | May 5, 2010 12:05 AM
"Spit the he gerbil into the pants, or the bitch uses her hammer on ya."
Posted by: J.J. Sloan | May 5, 2010 12:17 AM
"Spit the gerbil into the pants, or the bitch uses her hammer on ya."
Posted by: J.J. Sloan | May 5, 2010 12:21 AM
your honor I thought the defendant meant he lived adjacent to the courthouse,
but further analysis shows he lives ejaculate to the courthouse
Posted by: joe thursday | May 5, 2010 12:42 AM
Hey I hear you man. I've had it up to here with pomegranate juice guzzling, frizzy haired, feminist activist judges, too.
Just fucking confess, OK?
Posted by: boneguy | May 5, 2010 1:55 AM
Getting that thing in here was impressive enough but pulling off the plumbing and electrical is really mindblowing.
Posted by: boneguy | May 5, 2010 1:57 AM
"Look -- and I'm sure Judge Robbins will agree -- if you want to get a job here as a court reporter, you have to wear pants."
Posted by: Tim H | May 5, 2010 9:24 AM
"Mr. McGaugh, your contention is that you were indeed seated naked in that jacuzzi--as you are every day--when your gay lover was murdered?"
Posted by: holden_c | May 5, 2010 12:41 PM
I move that your honor issue a writ of habeas porpoise.
Posted by: therblig | May 5, 2010 2:03 PM
"You planted these to implicate a human, but you left scales- scales of justice. Admit you killed Ethel, merman!"
"And then you butchered the baker and the candlestick maker?"
Posted by: DR. COX | May 5, 2010 2:44 PM
"We all know it was you who drew your own fucking bath, Mr. Vey...this tilted, fluffy, disgusting bath."
Posted by: Jared S. | May 5, 2010 3:41 PM
I have your pants. I have your paaaaaaaaants!
Posted by: MrMoonPie | May 5, 2010 3:48 PM
"Your Honor, I move that you sequester the jury and Sylvester the Cat."
Posted by: Kathy H | May 5, 2010 5:20 PM
"Then educate us, Mr. Harris, on why swim trunks would come in 32 long."
Posted by: dwilk | May 5, 2010 6:23 PM
"No, that's the Rorschach Inkblot test, and I'm not holding up two large breasts."
Posted by: jazzy | May 5, 2010 9:19 PM
"The towel is off getting high, so this is the best we could do. As your attorney, I advise you to put them on."
Posted by: Mr. Gonzo | May 5, 2010 9:52 PM
Mr. Polanski, I can't believe I let you get away with this 'Feng Shui' defense of recreating the scene of the crime on the witness stand as a way to help you remember what happened.
Posted by: zoidberg | May 5, 2010 10:17 PM
Mom's not going to look at your penis, just put these on so we don't have to look at your Mets tattoo.
Posted by: lanemcclain | May 6, 2010 10:03 AM
When I said this would be a heated cross examination, I wasn't kidding.
Posted by: boneguy | May 6, 2010 11:13 AM
"Ms. holden_c, we find you guilty of being humorless and boring, we sentence you to three years as the Pope's altar Bitch."
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | May 6, 2010 11:32 AM
"And at that point, when you attempted to strangle Pat Benatar with this underwear, is it true that she asked you to 'stop using sex as a weapon?'"
Posted by: Anonymous | May 6, 2010 11:58 AM
The trousers here are obscene.
Posted by: Anonymous | May 6, 2010 12:01 PM
"No, Mr. Bond, if found guilty, we expect you to fry."
Posted by: Dr. No Respect | May 6, 2010 12:45 PM
Does anyone else think "Robert E. Leak" is J.D. crashing the contest?
Posted by: Anonymous | May 6, 2010 12:59 PM
"Mr. Shahzad, your Emirates Airline flight number was 202, you live at 202 Sheridan Street, Bridgeport, CT, yet your swim trunks are Speedo—— Lunar Square Leg Swim Trunks -- Model No. 203. Why don't you come clean?!"
Posted by: Tim H | May 6, 2010 1:11 PM
[Aargh! "...I expect you to fry."]
Posted by: Dr. No Respect | May 6, 2010 1:25 PM
Vicar, I'll be brief...word of your screen name "booty-bubbles" is a buzz at the Vatican. You're going to Rome!
Posted by: lanemcclain | May 6, 2010 6:36 PM
———I hold in my hand....the worst possible cap for your petroleum overflow.———
Posted by: dwilk | May 6, 2010 7:45 PM
"If it please the Court, we request that Mr. Smith not go commando in the hot tub."
Posted by: Dave | May 6, 2010 10:25 PM
"Please place your right hand on the trunks and repeat after me: 'I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God'."
Posted by: Dave | May 6, 2010 10:28 PM
"You said that your eyesight is excellent, but now that I'm closer, you can clearly see there is only one object in my hand. Let the record show that the witness originally saw a PAIR of shorts."
Posted by: cta | May 7, 2010 11:57 AM
Poorly acted by a blind, waltzing over-rated SOB: "No, you're out of order! The hot tub is out of order! They're out of order! That man, that sick, crazy, depraved man, sat in a hot tub nekkid, and he'd like to do it again!"
Posted by: A. Kirkland | May 7, 2010 3:42 PM
"Hey everybody lets have a little disorder in the court. On three, Dance-off-with-your-pants-off. Yooohooooo!"
Posted by: Anonymous | May 7, 2010 3:46 PM
"If your scrotum has adequately loosened up, it would please the court a lot if you could show us "Popeye", "Chicken Pot Pie" and "Elevator Full of Suitcases" again.
Posted by: Grandmama | May 7, 2010 3:51 PM
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to try them on.
Posted by: CRC | May 7, 2010 5:44 PM
———And, Mr. Kaelin, are these the swim trunks you wore when you stabbed Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson to death?———
Posted by: Rob | May 7, 2010 8:20 PM
You may be our star witness, Mr. Gravano, but you still need to wear your shorts in the hot tub.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | May 7, 2010 8:22 PM
I have quite a few questions for you this morning, so, if you don't want boiled nuts, you better put on these insulated shorts.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | May 7, 2010 8:37 PM
Your honor, this is highly irregular. The shorts, I mean. They're irregulars. I got a great deal on them.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | May 7, 2010 8:54 PM
Now that you've relaxed in our spa and had a few drinks, I'm going to pluck some hairs from your scrotum to see if they match the ones found in these trunks.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | May 7, 2010 9:08 PM
"It would please the prosecution if Your Honor would remove the toilet seat cover from her head."
Posted by: Bev | May 7, 2010 9:59 PM
Considering the amount of surface agitation he's creating, I beg the court for a brief recess.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | May 7, 2010 10:56 PM
"You look surprised, Mr. Spritzer."
Posted by: Glenn | May 8, 2010 8:17 AM
Our rules allow you to make four more entries, and while we actually encourage tastelessness, I strongly urge you to use these.
Posted by: Ball Walker | May 8, 2010 1:15 PM
"Exhibit A: the shorts worn by the murder suspect, and Exhibit B: a cum dumpster."
Posted by: Brian L | May 8, 2010 2:09 PM
Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! When your ass has cooled sufficiently, we'll try it again.
Posted by: Anonymous | May 8, 2010 2:31 PM
Testimony, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you not guilty?
Posted by: P. Mason | May 8, 2010 3:59 PM
I'm not crazy about it either, Mr. Effron, but we need to see for ourselves that you don't have the balls to continue.
Posted by: Anonymous | May 8, 2010 5:20 PM
Yes, 1980 was a long time ago, but we were certain that the hot tub, swim shorts and big hair would jog your memory. Now, can you tell us what brought you to New York on Dec. 8th of that year?
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | May 8, 2010 5:38 PM
The outlaws here come clean.
Posted by: Mr. Silly | May 8, 2010 8:32 PM
As your lawyer, I———d advise you to put on these shorts before getting out. She can be really judgmental when it comes to penis size.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | May 9, 2010 4:36 AM
I don't have a clue why Phyllis Diller is sitting up there watching you bathe either, but if you don't want her to ridicule your tiny penis, you'll put these on.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | May 9, 2010 5:02 AM
If these vibrating trunks aren't yours, then why don't you stand up and prove it?
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | May 9, 2010 5:10 AM
———Your Honor, when the defendant speaks of Big Ben in the first person, he———s not referring to the one with half a brain.———
Posted by: jazzy | May 9, 2010 9:56 AM
That is, is it not sir, a hot tub crime machine.
Posted by: tb1010 | May 9, 2010 1:27 PM
"Your tub is full of salmon. What will it be? Roe or wade?"
Posted by: Dredscott | May 9, 2010 1:56 PM
Whew! Odor in the shorts!
Posted by: Mr. Silly | May 9, 2010 3:12 PM
"And when you told the deceased 'Eat my shorts', were these the shorts you were referring to?"
Posted by: Dave | May 9, 2010 8:24 PM
———Your dick may do your thinking for you, Mr. Roethlisberger, but it can———t speak for you in the courtroom.———
Posted by: Alcoholic Anonymous | May 9, 2010 8:26 PM