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April 26, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #238

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Anti Cap 338 caveman juggles fire.jpg

WINNER
Ancester of W clowns around while ancestors of Cheney and Rumsfeld plot pre-emptive strike on neighbor they believe has discovered fire too. --Jim Cavanaugh .

SECOND PLACE
Zorg stared and contemplated: Had it been such a wise idea to leave the hunter-gatherers to live with the sitter-jugglers? So hungry... Anonymous.

THIRD PLACE
What is this, Amateur Era?--Mr. Silly

For Honorable Mentions and Judge's Comments on all the winners go here.

Comments

"I think Zogg's trying to tell us that hunting, gathering AND keeping the cave clean is a bit much for him to handle."

Christ, what an asshole.

/thought I'd go for the cliche, since I won't win, anyway.

"'Cave's Got Talent?' Pff! In Ogg day cave had 'Gong Show' and cave like it. Ogg old school."

It would be more impressive with chainsaws. I saw a guy do that on HBO.

"...And then after we stole their fire Thag busted out this move and he was all, 'Who's sapiens now, bitches?'"

It's all right for vaudeville. But it's not like he's inventing the wheel . . .

He's kind of ripping off Blue Piltdown Man Group, don't you think?

I still can't believe ABC cancelled us.

This'll be so much cooler after Khachaturian composes "Sabre Dance."

"He's already booked on the Ooog Sullivan show."

"Fire may be a great source of entertainment, but does it put food on the table? Hold on, I'm having an idea... No, sorry, lost it."

"He's also a great mime."

"If you're talking marketable skills, I'd still go with cookery."

"I wouldn't put up with this shit if we hadn't been stuck here for seven days because of the ash from that distant volcano."

"He can only juggle for so long. When his arms give out, we eat him."

"He shows good fire skills, but his 40-yard dash time will drop him to the third round."

Lousy entertainment, yes. But no cover charge.

He is a flaming homosexual - I saw it on the internet.

God, I hope that volcano stops spewing ash soon. Another week stuck in this jerkwater town and I will go crazy.

"Anybody can do that. I could do that if it was really that important."

So, you wanna go with "Prometheus, you crazy bastard ...", "fires here are obscene", or "I brought a couple matches..."?

"Great pyrotechnics, but where's the fucking band?"

Quick, click Next, before he shows us his dick.

"Fine, good, thankyou. NEXT!!!"

"Oy, for this I came to the cats kills?"

"Man, this Ike Davis is really gonna help our team."

If he hits me in the forehead with one of those fucking things again I'm going to set his loin cloth on fire.

"Look. Any distraction from that raging volcano is a plus, right?"

"I can't wait for us to develop aristocrats."

So after he torched our house he said, "Now Me fly plane, go crash IRS!" I always thought our taxes were very reasonable in Laurentia.

"I dunno. I think it's going to take a lot more to impress Evrolet Girl."

"The only thing more amazing is the size of this tongue we're sitting on."

In 100,00 years someone will dig up the burned embers and come to a wrong conclusion.

But will it play in Peoria?

"Grogg very funny. But Grogg have no luck with women. Grogg consider eyebrow bulge augmentation surgery?"

He's been acting weird ever since he touched that monolith.

If we had paper money, I would so make it rain on this dude.

Edit:

If we had paper money, I would totally make it rain on this dude.

"Me like, but must run by akhoba in abooka first."

"Chaka! Ygw crazy Bofjnl, Hofd tgg hogg ajk klj?"

"Oh, totally! And then no-facial-hair-guy like totally gets caught in a net and he's like all 'something something stinkin' paws something damn-dirty ape'. And I'm like 'what the fuck was that?'"

"He got me with the heel. Until then, he was just another juggling caveman, but the heel, now that's a real differentiator. or is it 'refrigerator'?"

"He has a certain je ne sais quoi about him."

"Just as smoke rises from volcano, smoke rises from little fire. The same, but different. Infinite repetitions. Oh Mandelbrot, oh humanity! Why am I here?"

"At least there's no two-drink minimum."

"He claims he played Grosingers last week, whatever the hell that is."

"The interpretive dance is nice, but I find the torches painted on the cave wall distracting."

"I'll be glad when that damn volcano stops spewing ash and we can fly home. I'm running out of clothes."

"Now you say deal for stone wheels no happen? Then why me waste money bring you here to Benihana?"

"What do you tip a guy like this?"

"When's he going to show us his balls again? This juggling shit sucks."

[Thinking to self: "Fire. Spin fire. Sex. Food. Fire. Sex."]

"The way you laid in the hospital bed in that other cartoon? Don't think I didn't notice the subtle nuances of what you were doing. You're good. Rigatoni on the phone good."

Ancester of W clowns around while ancestors of Cheney and Rumsfeld plot pre-emptive strike on neighbor they believe has discovered fire too.

"Scotty, beam me down a Bic lighter; I'm sick of this douchebag. The Prime-Directive is dead to me."

There's got to be a better use for this shit.

You said it was ladies' night, asshole.

"This sucks. Let's go so we can beat the traffic."

How Jets fans spend the off season.

"Looks like dinner will be ready any minute now."

"What Happens in The Cave, Stays in The Cave®"

Get off my stage.

"I preferred the act before him, ‘The Aristocrats’."

"Peyote again, huh."

The era here is pleistocene.

"He's evolving quickly."

"It's a repeat, turn the channel."

"In act II he bounces them off his nuts."

"I saw this done on the History Channel once."

"It's so easy a Neanderthal could do it."

The good shit doesn't happen until Raquel Welch shows up.

"Seen enough? Me too - what a fuckin' rookie." [to guest] "Okay, that was GREAT! Listen, we're pretty happy with our current fire supplier, so...yeah. Try us again in six months, maybe."

Soon we openly gay; even marry.

"That fucker forgot to shave his legs."

"Asbestos? Yeah....he's doing asbestos he can."

He's Dfal from the LAFD.

His solo act is getting tiresome. Isn't it time for him to address the issue of Harry's abscence?

I'm impressed.

"Yaagh mahchok choklo...zhum zhum."

Translation:
"Since mastering fire, cavemen have become soft and feminized. At these retreats, we tap into our psychic primitivism to forge a new mythos through which we can again be real cavemen...And sometimes we circle-jerk, too."

"Don't worry about the Indians beyond the bluff. They're Cleveland Indians."

"Let's bail, this place is a total sausage fest."

"It gets better. Fart lighting."

"You're fired."

Dude, you have a woody.

No fucking government worker's gonna come in my cave and tell me what kind of stick to burn.

Don't let the beard fool you Vicor. He's jail bait.

edit:
Don't let the beard fool you, Vicar. He's jail bait.

edit:
Don't let the beard fool you Vicar. He's jail bait.

If you ask me, Thuk, he's playing with fire!

"I know I should be impressed but I am distracted by your brow ridge -- it's fucking huge even though we all have them. I am going to try to find a cromagnon woman."

"Quit playing with those matches and go to bed."

“Sure it’s entertaining . . . but I really don’t see any future for this . . . how do you say? . . . ’fire’ thing.”

"Ferchrissake . . . all I asked was for a light!!!"

"3D TV really makes a difference.?

"These Encino performers are so 90's."

"I'm telling you, there was a forth torch. I don't know where it went, but I swear to god, I saw four just a secod ago, and now I only see three. Weird!?"

"The correct word is "fourth" you stupid caveman dickweed"

Yes, but I slipped "secod" by you, dumb shit.

Dude, my homo is becoming erectus.

"You smell something burning?"

"He thinks this will get him laid. This is the stone age. Don't we just rape them?"

"I'm over it. Let's go get wasted."

"On what?"

".........fuck this era. Seriously."

"I don't know who he thinks he is impressing. He has already slept with both of us."

"I know this is an odd request, but could you possibly shave my back?"

"Anthony thinks he's so cool. I'm just surprised he's walking upright."

"We're gonna have to do our good cap bad cap routine on this 'toon."

Delete ain't just a river in Egypt.

"So who ordered the Cherries Jubilee???"

Some clown in the cave next door just came over here trying to steal the audience away. He's doing the same thing over there, only worse. What a jerk.

Ok, Maximum al, we got a bogey at 7:31. You copy?

This "fire" thingy does inject an element of danger, but shit, he's only really juggling two of them, if that's even juggling.

"You know that girl I've been dating? Well, after last night, let's just say that she's no longer suitable for the volcano sacrifice, if you know what I mean."

You see, we gather here to soothe our universal male anxiety toward the struggle to dominate and be the alpha to each other and women. We use the cave as an unconscious symbol of the vagina, while fire represents its warmth. Deep down we are all conflicted about whether to individuate, compete for sex, mate, and accept responsibilities; or to regress back to the comfort of the womb. Is that a yellow handkerchief in your pocket?

“Wait, later on he explains all the jokes. You’ll bust a gut.”

"Look, Mr. Blankfein, just answer the question."

You think he's talented now? Wait till you see him oral pleasure himself!

Wanna go see what's happening in Johnny Hart's cartoon?

If you're still thinking of killing one of us, you should just go for the juggler.

"If it's not on YouTube, it didn't happen."

Mister GaGa will do anything for attention.

EDIT:

"Gentleman GaGa does everything for attention."

"He really knows how to burn crosses with flair- definitely KKKave Imperial Wizard material.

"Are you ready to accept the Fire Spirit as your personal savior?"

"Originally this was going to be one of those cartoons featuring Mohammed, but then Dator decided to go with cavemen instead. Apparently, when it comes to radical Islamists, he's afraid to draw their fire."

"And to think just a couple of weeks ago he was in the hospital."

"Last time at his fucking pay-per-view he started my beard on fire."

"He's just sterilizing his instruments. I told you I'd get you the best browjob in town."

"When Hannibal has his dinner parties he always ends up juggling the guest list."

I come to sacred fire circle to seek enlightment, release negative energy and become one with my brothers. What's up with this fucker?

We're never going to get laid with these grotesque forehead protuberences. I mean, we both have needs, and you look lovely by firelight. I'm just sayin'.

Eventhough his dance routine is a real bore, it somehow seems to warm up the cave.

How the Wiliam Morris Agency was founded.

"Maybe you should tell your friend it's getting late."

"It's always about him."

Xiuhtecuhtli, that crazy bastard! How the hell are you gonna beat this? (google it)

"That reminds me - have you ever had a burning sensation when you urinate? Could that be a sign of BPH? Should I ask my doctor about Plavix? Do side effects include vomiting, diarrhea and nausea? Should I stop taking Plavix if I have muscle weakness or extreme fatigue? Why aren't you talking to me?

"This cause global warming!"

"Okay... Me so done... Where remote? Oh yeah... not invented yet!"

"You going to Hollywood, Dog!"

"I just thought of a great name for this place. Detroit."

"I'm totally going to write about this on browbook."

"He comes pre cooked. Just heat him and eat him."

"Apparently you can cook with it, too."

"His shtick may be allegorical, and we may be in a cave -- but he ain't no Plato, that's for sure."

"You think THIS is odd? There's a smoking mesa outside."

"I like his chin curtain beard, but I'm biased."

Ciroc considering law school.

"Darn. When I saw the skirt, I thought he was going to hula."

"Hillbillies in the big city, suits around a table, an Old West motif, and the ever-predictable kooky cavemen... I've seen it all before."

I hear he wants to tour as 'olduvai george'

'singe- hand -throw -puss'
you know in a million years or so they will fuck-up the spelling on that baby

"After this, how about we go put some fake dinosaur footprints next to ours in the creek bed?"

"No, no, wait [snickering]—we'll do the dino tracks but let's make ours giant!"

"Ha! My man."

[They ghetto handshake]

"I hate Charades."

"We should get a refund for this Belly Dancer."

"That reminds me, I forgot to blow the fire out in the basement."

"Throw some water on him."

"Sirk will get so laid."

Zorg stared and contemplated: Had it been such a wise idea to leave the hunter-gatherers to live with the sitter-jugglers? So hungry...

He needs another creative outlet.

"Glabella, you pronounced bastard. How the hell are you?"

"He's only juggling 2. One is jammed up his nose, and the other is stuck onto his foot with bat guano."

"I used to enjoy this after going bankrupt, but ever since Eyjafjallajokull I'm just bored."

"Just Look at that leg stubble... Well, I told him waxing would last longer."

"...what was I saying? Oh, yeah. That Roger McGaugh is some prolific writer."

You know it could be worse, we could be watching SVU

What is this, Amateur Era?

"I don't know Colin a perm and highlights might just be too much, btw, who did you unibrow it looks wonderful"

If he catches fire, we can stuff him in that big smoking hole and no one will be the wiser.

He just doesn't listen to me! I told him the damn fish sticks needed to cool down.

"Dude, this is like sooo paleoriffic."

"Anti Cap 338 caveman juggles fire.jpg"

"If only there was a way to capture this moment and all the rude things we've said about it. You know, for posterity."

My ass is killing me.

After lighting all the oversized matches at once (like an ass), Thog falls into the fire.

You know, if we didn't live in this fucking cave, we wouldn't need the fire for warmth anyway.

You know, before the housing bubble burst, I didn't even realize this cave was here!

This is boring, wanna fuck?

The Bush Family Reunion.

"Sure it's all fun and games now, but what if we need those emergency flares someday?"

"You invent the wheel. I'll invent the bear trap so that 4 year old won't steal our chairs again."

"You think this is great? Wait for the B-2 Stealth Bomber fly-over."

"After he kills the school children, he sets himself on fire."

"I'm gonna get General Curtis E. Lemay for this!"

"What? Is the entertainment here too lowbrow for you?"

Natural museum exhibit of National league fans of New York from 1958-1962. Notice Yankee stadium burning in the distance.

"In 10,000 years, do you think Vegas will still suck this badly?"

"He's my nominee for extinction."

"Wait. Stop talking to me. I need my whole body to hate this guy.

"Do they allow cell phones in this museum? I really want to send a picture to my buddy at the office."

Dude, your forehead ridge looks like it has a chubby."

"These man retreats suck. I wish strip clubs existed."

"He's on fire! Do you think his wife thinks he's too hot to handle? His stage name is MC Be Bustin' Combustion."

"What do you call a caveman who can juggle fire?"

"Homo."

"What some people won't do to cover their farts."

"Feeling hot, hot, hot!"

"Get out of my seat."

The next Democratic National Convention

"That's nice considering he can't draw animals worth shit."

"Where's Harry? Let's just say he's taking a tar nap."

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