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April 19, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #237

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

anti cap 237 man with bubbles.jpg

"I got so constipated it collapsed into a singularity and created a space/time anal fissure. Now every time I fart another temporal reflection of me pops out. The consensus on the Star Trek chat room is that I need a dekyon colonic." --Six of Nine

How can he be so effervescent when the housing bubble's just burst? -- JohnnyB

"Look, this is obviously one of their more mediocre efforts. So, I suggest that we just calm down, submit our usual adequate captions, and get on with our lives. OK?" -- Kathy H .

I see you've pulled another idea for a cartoon out of your ass.-- D. Remnick

For additional Honorale Mentions and Judge's Comments go here.


"He makes a close the whole place stinks with his farts for a week."

"I hate when we get audited by Lost Accounting PLC."

"I didn't know it was possible to transcend basic good manners but I guess Henderson managed to swing that, too."

"Did we just get raped by a ghost? Again."

Mister Bubbles is what we bathe in. Bubbles is the name of the fucking chimp. And yes baby, I'm still your bitch.

How can he be so effervescent when the housing bubble's just burst?

It's the only way to fly out of London this week.

Next time tell them to hold the LSD on my mochachino.

Well he certainly acts like a maverick.

We must destroy all evidence of these Thalidomide test results.

"You don't have the nose for this. You're fired!"

"That the Animator vs Animation guy. He must have won his suit against eBaum's World.


Want us to e-mail you when next week's cartoon becomes avilable?


"Look, this is obviously one of their more mediocre efforts. So, I suggest that we just calm down, submit our usual adequate captions, and get on with our lives. OK?"

Sully *slayed* again last night at happy hour karaoke. With his Michael Buble.

"His name is John, and we all must avoid mentioning his very pointed nose."

I just feel that my usual effervescence is floating away from me . . .


"No, I'LL fuck your wife, Higgins. YOU follow the bubble trail."

"Then stick it in a pencil sharpener. They're not gonna pop themselves."

"bark bark bark, Ruff Ruff, GROU-WELLLL GROU-WELLLLLL!!!"

"___________! "

I have no idea how he died, but I know he wasn't shot. Who the fuck would shoot Don Ho?

"What? It's just me and my bubble, taking the high road; wherever we go, everyone knows it's just me and my bubble."

"Effervescence, you crazy bastard. How the hell are you?"

Say what you will about Bing, but he always injects a little atmosphere into the room.

"I don't know; I just sort of gravitated to sales after leaving the Lawrence Welk Show"

"Get out of my acid trip."

"Bubbles? Bubbles???!! We don't need no stinkin' bubbles!"

"Red Bull might give you wings———it only gives me really wicked gas.

"You're right, Brewanetti--it is hard to draw a cartoon with just a circle template. Maybe you could jazz it up with a straight line and some half-assed characters."

You couldn't burst my bubble even is you used a giant walrus penis.

"No, Jenson - it's not a wall mural. See how it passed in front of me? So you'll have to try a different caption."

If you really want to fuck with him call him Mr. Met.

"Christ, this scatterplot is awful. Not only are the axes unlabeled, not only is the magnitude of each event indexed to the radius rather than the area of the corresponding plotted circle -- but it's also filled with extraneous visual content, such as us. Hasn't the designer ever read Tufte's seminal Visual Display of Quantitative Information?"

"It's a medaphor, I guess. I don't know what it's supposed to mean...Now let's get back to our extremely high paying jobs convincing people to borrow money they can't possibly pay back."

"Don't pop them you idiot!!! They're a breakdown of his molecular makeup."

"Honestly, whenever you start going off on `shifting infrastructure paradigms', I don't know what the - oh, hi Bubbles - fuck you're talking about."

"They moved my bowel."

"Apparently, Beverly Sills is a bald, bespectacled man in the afterlife."

"Yes I viciously drowned my twin brother in a bubble bath years ago. Why do you ask?"

"When it comes to bubbles, I'm head and shoulders above the rest."

"Who's going to blow Michael Jackson's Bubbles now?"

"That's the best I've ever been blown."

"I see you've found my replacement."

"Who's an airhead?"

Would you ask your 4-year-old to stop trying to amuse us now?

Barsotti, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you getting this shit published?

Rhinoplasty, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you going to fit in here without it?

Get back in your chair.

"I want nipples on the big ones so they'll look like humongous (o)(o)s."

"I got so constipated it collapsed into a singularity and created a space/time anal fissure. Now every time I fart another temporal reflection of me pops out. The consensus on the Star Trek chat room is that I need a dekyon colonic."

Pay attention when I'm talking to you!

A thought bubble seems to be emanating from your ass. It looks like me. Clean out your desk.

"They call him Half Tony the half-tone."


(possible translation of April's caption):

"Get off my line!"

"Please don't pop his pustules."

"In Soviet Russia, air-biscuit floats you."

"He ain't heavy, he's my brother!"

My best advice, Vicar, is that the next time a 4 year old posts "booty bubbles" then just delete it.

Can you find and delete the hidden Mickey Mouse logo? You have five minutes, before Disney sues us. Ready? Go!

He's the new CEO———.

"I'm seeing floaters again."

Bubbly, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you doing that?

Fluffy, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?

Damn! Silent but headly. How about a warning next time?

I guess you're wondering why these balls are here today.

Don't take it too seriously. It's just a cheap stunt to gain undue recognition.

"It would be nice if this cheap, fucking site would reproduce the whole cartoon so we'd know what we're talking about."

"I've never been a big fan of bubble captions."

"Stare at it and squint your eyes. Does it look like an erect penis to you?"

"I'm haunted by the face of my twin brother, who drowned in a bubble bath. What we were doing taking bubble baths together in our 40s, I'll never know."

"He was going to write a caption here, but he's all elated now because he thinks it's just so good that the New Yorker will choose it. Jerk."

"Cartoonist got Paintbrush for Windows 3.0. Welcome to 1990."

"He's just another one of those breezy people who go around saying yaka-wow."

Christ, what an asshole, but at least there are no black people here to see the obscene hours that Obama DID promise us.

"That's the me who had the balls to kill my wife."

"I'm like the opposite of Pigpen from Peanuts. Remember how he was always surrounded by a dust cloud? Well, I'm really clean and bubbles follow me. Get It? Call me Nepgip from now on."

"Hi, I'm Rich Lather, and I like contributing to the New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption contest. I won once; let's be friends."

"I don't want your protection Mr. Bond, I've got my own back."

"Living in the Bubble Belt makes me very light headed."

"Damn it, man! You forgot to run a rinse cycle on the seven astronaut trainees!"

"Sorry Jenkins, the New Yorker is not really interested in your flatulence joke. You might want to try the Anti-Caption. It's a barbaric place, quite gruesome actually, but I understand they encourage that sort of thing."

(Click below for last week's historic results.)

Get out of my office.

"Wait till he finds out his abdomen is separated from his thorax."

"I'm Fartacus!"

"The orbs here are opaque"

Per your request, I've taken my head out of my ass, however, I refuse to go fuck myself.

The ovals here are unseen.

And they wonder what caused the banking crisis!

"That's John Paulson. He rides every fucking bubble then gets away scot free."

"That's Alan Greenspan. He's says he's right 70% of the time. But when he's wrong, every bubble pops at once."

"That's Jim Cramer. But don't criticize him or you'll get booted off the air."

"That's Ben Stein. If comes round peddling financial advice, don't listen. He's an idiot."

"That's Samuel L. Jackson. Just kidding, This is a New Yorker cartoon."

Unlike myself, my mylar version is not biodegradable.

I know Tibiten Sky Burials are very green, but Jesus, he's not even dead yet.

"Dude, it's 4/20."

So, THIS is the change that Obama promised us?

He's obviously a savant, you on the other hand better get back to your Differential Geometry homework.

This must be your first visit to Medora, that's the ghost of Harold Schafer.

I guess it's better than blowing smoke up the boss's ass, but if I have anything to do with it, you will never get that promotion.

I'd love to see you call him a bubble brain to his face.

"It's a new Olympic event called the Uphill Bubble Slalom, and we're the fucking poles."

You mean if I use a giant walrus penis? Yea, but now I've gone over 5 comments.

"Ignore it. My penis tends to astral project."

My wife left me. Took the kids and everything. I'm going to pieces. I mean I am literally going to fucking pieces.

"Mr. Dickfornose, have you seen my other pair of glasses."

"Great Party Mr. Dickfornose! I hope Gary brings the chips and dip.

My bad. I thought the pop rocks and coke would kill him.

"It looks like Bubble Boy has finally grown into a man, Mr. Dickfornose."

Lapilli, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you going to get a flight out of here?

"He's forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air.
They fly so high,
Nearly reach the sky,
Then like his dreams,
They fade and die.
Fortune's always hiding,
He's looked everywhere,
He's forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air."

"This is how Mickey Mouse got his start, Mr. Dickfornose."

"I see the wind is blowing in from the west today so I'm not going to spit in your face today, Mr. Dickfornose."

I just can't pull myself together since we went 5-12 down the stretch in '07. Fuck it.

"That's Mr. Bond. He can't seem to stay dry."

"Time just ran out on his Roeth IRA."

"Only the dominant females get to spawn -- why is that so hard for you to understand?"

I'd have a smart-ass comment for you, Perkins, if butt-plug-themed remarks weren't the intellectual property of a disgruntled former employee.

"He's hooked on bubbles."

Check it out, Bob. I just found Thomas Pychon hiding in my ass.

"They're funny because of the anthropomorphism."

Don't even think about popping my bubbles with that uncircumsized cock of yours, Watson.

"They're used condoms, Frank. Apparently there's a little something in that first one."

"How the hell did you do that?"

"I sort of want to give you and eskimo kiss and I sort of want to kill you."

"I said I needed a 'bobble-head' version of myself for the meeting, not bubble-head."

"Dude, this is the best 4/20 ever."

"I'm so sick of the cartoons always having suburban white people like us, I wanted to protest by morphing into bubbles! Ahh! Anger!!"

"Perkins, you may be our best genetic researcher, but you're fired! You can't go around splicing my DNA with some bubble thing without my permission. And you're short. Actually, your lack of height is the only reason I'm firing your sorry, short ass. The splicing thing is just a cover so that you can't sue us."

"What. The. Fuck. Was. That?"

"My mom always told me that Super-Elastic Bubble-Plastic was going to give me cancer."

"Effluvium!? I don't even know 'um."

I see you've pulled another idea for a cartoon out of your ass.

"Do that again!"

"Okay... I do resemble a bubble."

"I forgot where I put my LSD"

"Oh yeah??! Well,I can blow a smoke ring that looks like a heart!"

"He was grounded due to Eyjafjallajokull, but they just gave him permission to take off."

"He's been stripped of his manhood and suspended for raping a girl in Georgia."

Although I no longer work here, I've been monitoring your output. It's this kind of shit that ran me off, you little twerp.

The air here is unclean.

An image from the German newspaper Der St——rmer, circa 1939, depicts a typical jew enjoying his special privalidges at work.

"No, I don't know why the main Radosh page has us stuck at '2:08 AM :: Comments (72)'"

"He's just a figment of Barsotti's imagination. Ignore him."

You seem to have some sort of wierd animus toward me.

"I hate it when that happens"

"That's T-1000, the HR consultant management just brought in. Christ, I hope I don't get terminated."

"He's standing behind me isn't he?"

"Someone is using Head & Shoulders shampoo in the shower again, Mr. Dickfornose."

Holy shit, Higgins, the Anti-Caption Contest has spawned a bastard son, much in the manner that you have passed wind.

What will Mayberry be like without Goober? Tune in next week.

"How long have we been under water?"

The testicles are out of proportion.

Listen, shit for brains. If you don't like the way I'm running things why don't you start your own god-damn company instead of hanging around here making a stink?

"Each bubble represents a boy scout he molested 30 years ago."

The odors here are obscene.

The work order from the Enterprise came in a week ago. You get back to the lab and fix the transporter and I'll get busy putting McCoy back together.

"Hey, you want to ride my coat-tails, Bitch? I've got another self-serving idea to float by management."

That's out-of-the-box thinking for you.

Well, Obama DID promise us bubble chains.

I'm having another out of body experience. Unless you want the Meyers account totally fucked up I'm going to need to take some sick leave. Fucking PCP.

"I know he says

"I know he says he's leaving you, but those divorce papers aren't legal here in Texas."

"'Beginnings' you idiot! The truth about Ruth....in your right hand! Fucking Polanski endings."

The hell with Avatar, watch this!

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