The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #236
al in laSubmit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
WINNER
"Get out of my chair." -- Maya Walker (my 4-year-old daughter)
SECOND PLACE
"Well, Obama DID promise us chum."-- Anonymous
HONORABLE MENTION
"You can't stay here."--Deborah
For additional Honorable Mentions, Comments and an important note from the Anti-Cap Judge go here..
Comments
———Hey, here———s another clue for you all. Paul———s a lazy, small-tusked sack of shit that can———t please his woman. Goo goo g———joob.———
Posted by: MC | April 12, 2010 6:48 PM
"Have you even looked for fish today? Have you even looked?"
Posted by: NAMBY | April 12, 2010 6:48 PM
"Time to play with the Beaver, Wally."
Posted by: June Cleaver | April 12, 2010 6:52 PM
"Don't try and hide it behind that book...I know you were fellating yourself again."
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | April 12, 2010 6:54 PM
"Okay, I'll give you TWO good reasons: You leave puddles everywhere and I hate anchovies on my pizza."
Posted by: Jess | April 12, 2010 7:19 PM
"One rose...one lousy rose. Go fuck yourself!"
Posted by: Sarah | April 12, 2010 7:21 PM
"That's just fine, Craig! Spend the weekend playing with your little balls."
Posted by: dwilk | April 12, 2010 7:28 PM
Wilford Brimely, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?
Posted by: CRC | April 12, 2010 7:30 PM
"Before you sink your tusk into that book, the Sea I.A. called, the basement's flooded again, and do these heels make my ass look any higher?"
Posted by: Rob | April 12, 2010 7:45 PM
"Swinging sucks. My husband gets to ogle a topless mermaid and I get stuck with a fat walrus like you."
Posted by: Richard H | April 12, 2010 7:45 PM
"Please read in better light, honey. It's bad enough being with a walrus; I don't want to be with a four-eyed walrus."
Posted by: C. Lenz | April 12, 2010 7:47 PM
The others here are piscine.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | April 12, 2010 7:48 PM
"To think that when we met you were a big, wet, slobbery walrus. Now you're just a fat, dried-up bookworm who can't even afford a Kindle."
Posted by: Richard H | April 12, 2010 7:49 PM
Free Willy, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you here instead?
Posted by: CRC | April 12, 2010 7:57 PM
"Dear, you're supposed to be able to eat as many as 5,000 saltwater clams at a single feeding. How about eating a single bearded one?"
Posted by: Celeste | April 12, 2010 8:04 PM
"Nothing!!!"
Posted by: Rob | April 12, 2010 8:10 PM
No pond, Mr. Bond. I expect you to dry up.
Posted by: CRC | April 12, 2010 8:20 PM
Our daughter is dating that no good orca in 3B.
Posted by: boneguy | April 12, 2010 9:18 PM
"Maybe I'd want to put down the book if you lost some weight."
Posted by: J Rob | April 12, 2010 9:27 PM
To think I could have married Bobby Seal(e).
Posted by: boneguy | April 12, 2010 9:34 PM
"This here book says global warming is a fraud! We've been duped!"
Posted by: ECB | April 12, 2010 9:59 PM
"Get that damn sun out of my eyes! It's the middle of the night!"
Posted by: ECB | April 12, 2010 10:07 PM
What were you trying to tell me last night when we were having sex and you flipped me off?
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | April 12, 2010 10:11 PM
Frankly, kissing you is like sticking my head in a blender, but you give a hell of a moustache ride.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | April 12, 2010 10:13 PM
Stop staring at my one tiny, way off center nipple.
Posted by: djack | April 12, 2010 10:14 PM
Karen would eat the oysters and then throw them up. She died. Forget her. Lose the scrapbook. God, I should have married the White Rabbit.
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 12, 2010 10:15 PM
"What's this about you and a nice tight seal?"
"That's why they call me Tupperware, baby. Now fuck off and let me finish my book."
Posted by: djack | April 12, 2010 10:23 PM
"Take me dancing."
Posted by: Dex | April 12, 2010 10:41 PM
You know I want to go to Hawaii. Why is it we always have to visit your fucking family in Greenland?
Posted by: boneguy | April 12, 2010 10:41 PM
"If you put that book down, you can pet my selkie-smooth skin."
Posted by: MC | April 12, 2010 10:44 PM
You came in late last night. Did you blow another seal?
Why no, that's just milk on my moustache.
Posted by: I.M. Sorry | April 12, 2010 10:54 PM
"John Goodman and Melissa Leo in the Season premiere of Treme
Posted by: connor | April 12, 2010 11:31 PM
"I should have listened to my mom. 'Marry the carpenter instead, Alice. You'll have more in common!'she said."
Posted by: Steve_O | April 13, 2010 12:26 AM
I don't even like Fleetwood Mac, but I think their best album is Rumors, OK?
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | April 13, 2010 12:39 AM
For the last time, I don't know anything about any damn egg man!
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | April 13, 2010 1:16 AM
For god's sake woman, what the hell does John Stewart have to do with the change Obama promised?
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | April 13, 2010 1:19 AM
No, "egg man" is not my screen name and no, I have not been on any beastiality web sites lately!
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | April 13, 2010 1:24 AM
If you don't want me to spank your ass during sex anymore, that's fine, but there's not a whole lot else I can do with the damn things.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | April 13, 2010 1:39 AM
No, Mrs. Bond, I expect you to cry.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | April 13, 2010 1:49 AM
"Look, it's a walrus house. You'll just have to get used to the 5 foot high doorways. Try ducking next time."
Posted by: Anonymous | April 13, 2010 2:05 AM
"Well, Obama DID promise us chum."
Posted by: Anonymous | April 13, 2010 2:13 AM
"No, the chair didn't come with an otterman. It didn't come with a comedian/walrus either."
Posted by: dwilk | April 13, 2010 7:20 AM
"Hey blubberbutt, the Deadliest Catch is not just a show on Discovery- you tested positive for syphilis."
Posted by: LV | April 13, 2010 7:48 AM
The oysters here are obscene.
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 13, 2010 7:58 AM
I DID douche. I say the smell is coming from you.
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 13, 2010 8:00 AM
"I can always have sex with that roach in the bedroom."
Posted by: dwilk | April 13, 2010 8:18 AM
Have you seen my cornflake? And when is the van coming?
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 13, 2010 8:37 AM
"Stop shitting all over the furniture."
Posted by: Glenn | April 13, 2010 8:49 AM
"'You Don't Walrus Hurt the One You Love'? Who wrote that, Ann Coulterfish?"
Posted by: Glenn | April 13, 2010 8:52 AM
"Know me! Stare! Bond! I respect you? you lie!"
Posted by: WTF Connery | April 13, 2010 11:06 AM
Great! Another night of The Old Man and the Sea.
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 13, 2010 12:13 PM
One of us smells like rotten tuna and it's not me, I douched today.
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 13, 2010 12:17 PM
Go get my Fish Sauce, bitch.
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 13, 2010 12:19 PM
Have you seen my harpoon, honey.
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 13, 2010 12:22 PM
I only married you for your ivory tusk.
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 13, 2010 12:23 PM
"I just went online and edited your Wikipedia entry. Have fun explaining to your Sea World whore why your kind likes golden showers and scat porn."
Posted by: Damon | April 13, 2010 12:42 PM
"That was The New Yorker on the phone. They said the next time you pick bullshit captions for finalists, they're gonna serve your balls at Le Bernardin."
Posted by: Damon | April 13, 2010 1:07 PM
"Your dentist in Tuscaloosa just called. Need I say more?"
Posted by: Tim H | April 13, 2010 1:09 PM
"Look. I cannot come in here every time you get stuck trying to solve KenKen——. Capiche?"
Posted by: Kathy H | April 13, 2010 1:17 PM
"We promised them a lot more than that hopey, changey stuff, didn't we, John?"
Posted by: !JS | April 13, 2010 1:39 PM
"Buck teeth, fat, smelly, obsessed with fantasy books...it's like you're the ocean's Halo nerd."
Posted by: Damon | April 13, 2010 1:40 PM
"Frances, you can call off the alarm company. It's not a black person. Just a walrus in your chair."
Posted by: Walt | April 13, 2010 2:16 PM
You're reading the Registered Sex Offenders list again? Tell me when you get to Roger McGaugh.
Posted by: bg | April 13, 2010 2:36 PM
"Hey, Mister sad sack. Let's take a road trip to the Badlands and get you some Wall Drugs!"
Posted by: LV | April 13, 2010 3:01 PM
"You're not fooling anyone. That goddamned book is upside-down."
Posted by: Tim H | April 13, 2010 5:10 PM
"I don't understand you. All of a sudden you want to take up Esperanto?"
Posted by: Kathy H | April 13, 2010 5:13 PM
"What the fuck is the `Tusk Game'? And why does our son have a hemorrhoid the size of a ping pong ball?"
Posted by: Damon | April 13, 2010 5:20 PM
"Reading the pinnepedia?"
Posted by: Ellen | April 13, 2010 6:09 PM
You're reading the caption no talent list, let me know when you get to "bg".
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 13, 2010 7:01 PM
"Well, I'm half-mermaid too, you know. Just the upper half."
Posted by: c1w | April 13, 2010 7:19 PM
I said, where'd you put the fish oil, Duane?
Posted by: c1w | April 13, 2010 7:24 PM
"That's it? A rose in the milk jug and an Ogden Nash poem? I should have married Ishmael."
Posted by: c1w | April 13, 2010 7:26 PM
"Chumley. Craig Stadler. Whatever name you're going by currently, you're still a walrus, and you're still a douche."
Posted by: Tante Gracie | April 13, 2010 7:34 PM
"Fucking online ordering! 'Every chair purchase over $599 comes with a smart looking wall rug.'"
Posted by: Rob | April 13, 2010 9:34 PM
"You can't stay here."
"I don't care bout ships, shoes, or sealing wax, or cabbages or kings. Let's watch Glee."
Posted by: Deborah | April 13, 2010 10:09 PM
Your agent just called. No parts for you. I told you you needed to lose the weight after "Raging Bull".
Posted by: Keith | April 13, 2010 10:10 PM
Still relishing your 15 minutes of fame with the Carpenter? Geez - if the sea was boiling hot, maybe you'd get me back in there for some action.
Posted by: Glime | April 13, 2010 10:15 PM
Todd Palin is on the front lawn with a rifle and an ulu. I told you there'd be consequences for eating all of the shrimp at the governor's reception!
Posted by: Glime | April 13, 2010 10:31 PM
How fucked is it that Cheney was still on the loose drawing cartoons last week when he should have been in a line-up himself? (ENTRANTS COMMENT: Yes, I entered it last week, and yes, it is probably too obvious, but it has merit in that it both references the contest and takes a swipe at our former defacto President, whose evil-doings while in office may never be fully exposed. Re-submitting it is akin to subjecting you to a second session of water-boarding after the first one did not produce the desired result.)
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | April 13, 2010 10:55 PM
What? I'm not making it up. It says it right here: "Dolphins are just gay sharks."
Posted by: Chadwick | April 13, 2010 11:28 PM
Well you're no Heidi Klum.
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | April 14, 2010 1:28 AM
"Look, everyone assumes you're male, so don't fuck it up for us, okay?"
Posted by: Glenn | April 14, 2010 8:26 AM
(Heidi Klum is married to SEAL)
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | April 14, 2010 9:21 AM
[I think the funniest comment so far is Roger Kaputnik's -- if that's his real name -- "(Heidi Klum is married to SEAL)." Although I believe that, even though the singer goes by a single name, he's not so much of a douche to put them all in CAPS.]
Posted by: Anonymouse | April 14, 2010 9:32 AM
"It's pronounced 'dia-beee-teees,' Wilfred."
Posted by: MrMoonPie | April 14, 2010 10:11 AM
"I don't know, Gladys, I just don't know. It's not you, believe me, I love you as much now as I did when we were first married. But sometimes, and lately, I just feel like I'm not entirely here. I keep thinking of this time when I was in the Angola and I saw some kid in a village eat this old chicken sandwich I was throwing out and he just ate it so fucking passionately and quickly it kind of gave me vertigo to think that someone would have so much feeling for a fucking two-day-old chicken sandwich and he ate it in like thirty seconds flat and I'm just happy and repulsed I've never felt anything like that and I just can't stop thinking about it and it sort of makes me feel like I'm not quite a man. Somehow. I don't know why."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 14, 2010 10:23 AM
"Put down the Blue's Clues, Einstein, it's time to lambada!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 14, 2010 10:24 AM
"Get out of my chair."
Posted by: Maya Walker (my 4-year-old daughter) | April 14, 2010 10:25 AM
[Query for TG Gibbon: Is "the Angola" anywhere near the Iraq?"]
Posted by: Anonymouse | April 14, 2010 12:45 PM
"I don't get it. I did everything you asked. I slathered by box with tuna, I ran on the treadmill, I haven't bathed for a week, and you still won't do me. I give up."
Posted by: Grandmama | April 14, 2010 12:53 PM
"I bet you'd saw your tusks off for that slut in 7A."
Posted by: Dave | April 14, 2010 2:32 PM
"I was tired of sitting on the plastic cover, OK?"
Posted by: Dave | April 14, 2010 2:33 PM
"If you fill the hole in the wall, Russ, you can fill my hole with the walrus."
.
.
.
.
(My AA sponsor read this and started crying. Sorry, everyone.)
Posted by: Damon | April 14, 2010 5:12 PM
"The anti-caption contest has become as lame and unfunny as the caption contest."
Posted by: Perry O'Dontal | April 14, 2010 9:32 PM
Don't tell ME you just had a fish sandwich; your moustache smells like my sister's snatch.
Posted by: Muffy Love | April 14, 2010 10:48 PM
The moustache can stay, but there'll be no oral until you do something about those tusks.
Posted by: Muffy Love | April 14, 2010 10:52 PM
Be alert Wally; the otters here are mean.
Posted by: Rocko | April 14, 2010 10:57 PM
"Honk honk hon-honk!"
Posted by: Brian L | April 15, 2010 3:41 AM
"Wuh-dya mean I'm not the only bitch in the sea?"
Posted by: Rob | April 15, 2010 7:14 AM
"My wet spot? The whole fucking bed is a wet spot!"
Posted by: dwilk | April 15, 2010 7:56 AM
"Well, have you filled out out your Census form yet? Well, have you? And what about your taxes??"
Posted by: Tim H | April 15, 2010 11:58 AM
"So, your goddamned Mets are 2-6 so far. Hmmm...oh, that's right, they're on the same pace as the 1962 team. Y'know, the one that went 40-120!"
Posted by: Kathy H | April 15, 2010 12:08 PM
"Well, you look walrus-ted! Get it 'Wal rus-ted?' 'Well-rested?' Ah, fuck you, Ted."
Posted by: Trout Almondine | April 15, 2010 12:37 PM
If I put my fish costume on will you eat me then?
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 15, 2010 12:47 PM
"Why don't you get off your blubbery ass and find your own damn reading glasses?"
Posted by: Richard H | April 15, 2010 1:07 PM
[Anonymous: As far as I'm aware, and I am an expert, they are the same place, a small, third-world country in the Europe]
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 15, 2010 2:34 PM
"Quit staring at the Wall, Russ and answer me. Who ate all the fish-sticks?"
Posted by: wizalt | April 15, 2010 2:45 PM
[TG Gibbon: You are correct. It was a trick query-cum-comment. Good for you! Now, next time, please spell my name correctly.]
Posted by: Anonymouse | April 15, 2010 3:31 PM
"Perry O' -
I almost take your naysaying as personal afront. Be more like Thumper."
Posted by: Submitter of all things funny | April 15, 2010 4:15 PM
Aw fuck you bitch.
Posted by: Howard | April 15, 2010 4:19 PM
"The Hymies took control of The New Yorker around the same time they took control of New York, with predictable results."
Posted by: Jesse | April 15, 2010 4:29 PM
"The Hymies took control of The New Yorker around the same time they took control of New York, with predictable results."
(It's not the same without my name.)
Posted by: Jesse Jackson Lasky | April 15, 2010 4:33 PM
"You look like a walrus; I'm not fucking kidding."
Posted by: Abe | April 15, 2010 4:59 PM
Wally Backman, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you not managing the Mets?
Posted by: Rocko | April 15, 2010 5:53 PM
Stay out of the Calamari isn't done yet, you'll get worms.
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 15, 2010 6:22 PM
"You realize YouTube has numerous videos of you sucking your own dick. Not just some Walrus -- YOU! What the hell is that all about? I mean, fuckin' A! My mom likes YouTube."
Posted by: I wish I were a Walrus | April 15, 2010 6:34 PM
"Did you reset the router?"
Posted by: reid savid | April 15, 2010 7:38 PM
Hey, Roger McGaugh! You're grammer needs serious work."
Posted by: PC Police | April 15, 2010 8:23 PM
I don't give a shit about the volcano. You're going to have to find somewhere else to stay.
Posted by: Rocko | April 15, 2010 8:35 PM
Hey, PC Police! Most anti-cappers are bright enough to know that walrus grammer is completely different than ours.
Posted by: Anonymous | April 15, 2010 8:39 PM
Honey, would you bring my robe and slipper? And my crack pipe?
Posted by: Anonymous | April 15, 2010 10:47 PM
Zen caption:
"Honey, does a dog have buddha-nature?"
"Moo."
Posted by: Grant | April 15, 2010 11:21 PM
"'The Walrus Guide to Alabama Oral Care' claims the dentists in Tuskegee are better than the dentists in Tuscaloosa. Why am I not surprised?"
Posted by: daves | April 16, 2010 12:17 AM
"What's this? Charlie-fucking-Walrus?"
Posted by: Rob | April 16, 2010 1:31 AM
"Holy shit! I just realized I married a walrus!"
Posted by: Steve_O | April 16, 2010 2:27 AM
"Holy shit! I just realized... you're reading Glen Beck!"
Posted by: Steve_O | April 16, 2010 2:28 AM
"King Kong called. Said he'll give you $8 if you'll be his butt plug for the evening.
Posted by: JD | April 16, 2010 4:10 AM
"That's right, we're having Trout Almondine for dinner AGAIN!!! Would you rather have NAMBY, boneguy or TG Gibbon?"
Posted by: dwilk | April 16, 2010 7:06 AM
"Rereading Anthropomorphic Irony in 21st Century Comics,, are we?"
Posted by: c1w | April 16, 2010 1:28 PM
"Crabalocker fishwife? Pornographic priestess? Man, you've been a naughty boy. I'm crying!"
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | April 16, 2010 2:34 PM
"Something's wrong inside me...the baby...it's hurting so bad..."
Posted by: rosmarus's baby | April 16, 2010 2:43 PM
Futility, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you ever going to learn how to read and survive in the city?
Posted by: Suomynona | April 16, 2010 4:24 PM
Belarus? You're from Belarus? You're fucking with me, right?
Posted by: Suomynona | April 16, 2010 4:26 PM
Stay out of the Calamari it isn't done yet, you'll get worms.
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 16, 2010 5:51 PM
Who are you calling a split-tail?
Posted by: Suomynona | April 16, 2010 6:04 PM
"Welcome to our igloo, visitor. Husband says I keep you warm tonight. You like anal?"
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | April 16, 2010 6:32 PM
Well, yo mama DID promise us some strange!
Posted by: Jon | April 16, 2010 10:22 PM
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to lie on a rock and sun yourself. Get out of my fucking chair.
Posted by: Ursula | April 16, 2010 10:32 PM
"Think I'm gonna barf!"
Posted by: Marge | April 17, 2010 9:09 AM
And you call yourself a man? You sad little fuck, and I can't go on deluding you. You're a fucking walrus. OK? A sad little fucking walrus.
Posted by: lanemcclain | April 17, 2010 1:34 PM
Tuscaloosa, Mississippi? Sure, you closed your eyes and pointed. Cracker, puh-leeze. And how do you know there ain't no fucking volcanoes there?
Posted by: lanemcclain | April 17, 2010 1:52 PM
Yes I think you're fat. Does NO SKINNY BITCHES ring a bell?
Posted by: lanemcclain | April 17, 2010 1:56 PM
"Who's Afraid of Virginia Walrrus" is funny, but I still think "Who's afraid of Walrus Pussy" is better.
Posted by: lanemcclain | April 17, 2010 2:02 PM
Honey? Try not be too happy about this but something terrible has happened downstairs. John's dead. Yes, dear...Lennon.
Posted by: lanemcclain | April 17, 2010 2:22 PM
"Dysodonts all eaten. How about instead have nice bowl borscht?"
Posted by: Cagey Bee | April 17, 2010 4:24 PM
"Those otters didn't do anything to you. I hope you're haunted by the faces of your victims."
Posted by: NJtoTX | April 17, 2010 10:38 PM
"I need a real manatee."
Posted by: Dex | April 18, 2010 12:38 AM
NOTE: Anti-Captions only please, anything else will be deleted.
Posted by: al in la | April 18, 2010 3:22 AM
"Let me guess. Under The Tusk and Sun?"
Posted by: Bev | April 18, 2010 9:05 AM
"She crosses her arms across her breasts and gives him a stern look? Like this.
Let me know when you get to page 218. Her sex fantasy is hot -- you'll definitely need a demonstration."
Posted by: Lainey | April 18, 2010 11:25 AM
"Guess what, walrus-sitting-in-a-comfy-chair? Dwilk just gave me a shout-out! I'd like to thank him or her, but al-in-la says he'll delete anything except anti-captions."
Posted by: Trout Almondine | April 18, 2010 2:42 PM
"You can class up a regular peanut-butter sandwhich by adding a little watercress or cucumber. It may sound odd, but the crisp, mild flavor cuts the strong, viscous nature and prepares the sandwich for a more discriminating palate. Now I ask you: Is this an anti-caption, or merely an attempt to flout yet another arbitrary and freshly-introduced rule on the part of al in la? I guess we'll have to check back and see...Mr. Walrus, who I am obviously addressing right now, because this conversation is taking place in the context of me speaking to you as you sit in a chair reading."
Posted by: Trout Almondine | April 18, 2010 2:47 PM
"The chutzpah here is keen."
Posted by: Anonymous | April 18, 2010 3:01 PM
The trout here are almondine.
Posted by: Wally | April 18, 2010 3:18 PM
I like it a little rough, too, but how do I explain the tusk marks to the girls at the health club?
Posted by: Wally | April 18, 2010 3:20 PM
But I told the escort service I wanted a HUSKY man!
Posted by: Wally | April 18, 2010 3:21 PM
Really? You were in the 332nd Fighter Group? I guess that makes you the first black man in a New Yorker cartoon.
Posted by: Wally | April 18, 2010 3:26 PM
———Great! Now work on unhooking my bra with LESS words each minute."
Posted by: Kim | April 18, 2010 6:37 PM
(Melodically) Won't screw in this armchair I can feel your disease.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | April 18, 2010 8:33 PM
Would-be actual New Yorker contest winner, but too lazy to boot up night of the 18th: "We have to talk - of many things."
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 19, 2010 3:02 PM