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April 12, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #236

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
Anti cap 236 walrus reading book.jpg

"Get out of my chair." -- Maya Walker (my 4-year-old daughter)

"Well, Obama DID promise us chum."-- Anonymous

"You can't stay here."--Deborah

For additional Honorable Mentions, Comments and an important note from the Anti-Cap Judge go here..


———Hey, here———s another clue for you all. Paul———s a lazy, small-tusked sack of shit that can———t please his woman. Goo goo g———joob.———

"Have you even looked for fish today? Have you even looked?"

"Time to play with the Beaver, Wally."

"Don't try and hide it behind that book...I know you were fellating yourself again."

"Okay, I'll give you TWO good reasons: You leave puddles everywhere and I hate anchovies on my pizza."

"One rose...one lousy rose. Go fuck yourself!"

"That's just fine, Craig! Spend the weekend playing with your little balls."

Wilford Brimely, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?

"Before you sink your tusk into that book, the Sea I.A. called, the basement's flooded again, and do these heels make my ass look any higher?"

"Swinging sucks. My husband gets to ogle a topless mermaid and I get stuck with a fat walrus like you."

"Please read in better light, honey. It's bad enough being with a walrus; I don't want to be with a four-eyed walrus."

The others here are piscine.

"To think that when we met you were a big, wet, slobbery walrus. Now you're just a fat, dried-up bookworm who can't even afford a Kindle."

Free Willy, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you here instead?

"Dear, you're supposed to be able to eat as many as 5,000 saltwater clams at a single feeding. How about eating a single bearded one?"


No pond, Mr. Bond. I expect you to dry up.

Our daughter is dating that no good orca in 3B.

"Maybe I'd want to put down the book if you lost some weight."

To think I could have married Bobby Seal(e).

"This here book says global warming is a fraud! We've been duped!"

"Get that damn sun out of my eyes! It's the middle of the night!"

What were you trying to tell me last night when we were having sex and you flipped me off?

Frankly, kissing you is like sticking my head in a blender, but you give a hell of a moustache ride.

Stop staring at my one tiny, way off center nipple.

Karen would eat the oysters and then throw them up. She died. Forget her. Lose the scrapbook. God, I should have married the White Rabbit.

"What's this about you and a nice tight seal?"

"That's why they call me Tupperware, baby. Now fuck off and let me finish my book."

"Take me dancing."

You know I want to go to Hawaii. Why is it we always have to visit your fucking family in Greenland?

"If you put that book down, you can pet my selkie-smooth skin."

You came in late last night. Did you blow another seal?

Why no, that's just milk on my moustache.

"John Goodman and Melissa Leo in the Season premiere of Treme

"I should have listened to my mom. 'Marry the carpenter instead, Alice. You'll have more in common!'she said."

I don't even like Fleetwood Mac, but I think their best album is Rumors, OK?

For the last time, I don't know anything about any damn egg man!

For god's sake woman, what the hell does John Stewart have to do with the change Obama promised?

No, "egg man" is not my screen name and no, I have not been on any beastiality web sites lately!

If you don't want me to spank your ass during sex anymore, that's fine, but there's not a whole lot else I can do with the damn things.

No, Mrs. Bond, I expect you to cry.

"Look, it's a walrus house. You'll just have to get used to the 5 foot high doorways. Try ducking next time."

"Well, Obama DID promise us chum."

"No, the chair didn't come with an otterman. It didn't come with a comedian/walrus either."

"Hey blubberbutt, the Deadliest Catch is not just a show on Discovery- you tested positive for syphilis."

The oysters here are obscene.

I DID douche. I say the smell is coming from you.

"I can always have sex with that roach in the bedroom."

Have you seen my cornflake? And when is the van coming?

"Stop shitting all over the furniture."

"'You Don't Walrus Hurt the One You Love'? Who wrote that, Ann Coulterfish?"

"Know me! Stare! Bond! I respect you? you lie!"

Great! Another night of The Old Man and the Sea.

One of us smells like rotten tuna and it's not me, I douched today.

Go get my Fish Sauce, bitch.

Have you seen my harpoon, honey.

I only married you for your ivory tusk.

"I just went online and edited your Wikipedia entry. Have fun explaining to your Sea World whore why your kind likes golden showers and scat porn."

"That was The New Yorker on the phone. They said the next time you pick bullshit captions for finalists, they're gonna serve your balls at Le Bernardin."

"Your dentist in Tuscaloosa just called. Need I say more?"

"Look. I cannot come in here every time you get stuck trying to solve KenKen——. Capiche?"

"We promised them a lot more than that hopey, changey stuff, didn't we, John?"

"Buck teeth, fat, smelly, obsessed with fantasy books...it's like you're the ocean's Halo nerd."

"Frances, you can call off the alarm company. It's not a black person. Just a walrus in your chair."

You're reading the Registered Sex Offenders list again? Tell me when you get to Roger McGaugh.

"Hey, Mister sad sack. Let's take a road trip to the Badlands and get you some Wall Drugs!"

"You're not fooling anyone. That goddamned book is upside-down."

"I don't understand you. All of a sudden you want to take up Esperanto?"

"What the fuck is the `Tusk Game'? And why does our son have a hemorrhoid the size of a ping pong ball?"

"Reading the pinnepedia?"

You're reading the caption no talent list, let me know when you get to "bg".

"Well, I'm half-mermaid too, you know. Just the upper half."

I said, where'd you put the fish oil, Duane?

"That's it? A rose in the milk jug and an Ogden Nash poem? I should have married Ishmael."

"Chumley. Craig Stadler. Whatever name you're going by currently, you're still a walrus, and you're still a douche."

"Fucking online ordering! 'Every chair purchase over $599 comes with a smart looking wall rug.'"

"You can't stay here."

"I don't care bout ships, shoes, or sealing wax, or cabbages or kings. Let's watch Glee."

Your agent just called. No parts for you. I told you you needed to lose the weight after "Raging Bull".

Still relishing your 15 minutes of fame with the Carpenter? Geez - if the sea was boiling hot, maybe you'd get me back in there for some action.

Todd Palin is on the front lawn with a rifle and an ulu. I told you there'd be consequences for eating all of the shrimp at the governor's reception!

How fucked is it that Cheney was still on the loose drawing cartoons last week when he should have been in a line-up himself? (ENTRANTS COMMENT: Yes, I entered it last week, and yes, it is probably too obvious, but it has merit in that it both references the contest and takes a swipe at our former defacto President, whose evil-doings while in office may never be fully exposed. Re-submitting it is akin to subjecting you to a second session of water-boarding after the first one did not produce the desired result.)

What? I'm not making it up. It says it right here: "Dolphins are just gay sharks."

Well you're no Heidi Klum.

"Look, everyone assumes you're male, so don't fuck it up for us, okay?"

(Heidi Klum is married to SEAL)

[I think the funniest comment so far is Roger Kaputnik's -- if that's his real name -- "(Heidi Klum is married to SEAL)." Although I believe that, even though the singer goes by a single name, he's not so much of a douche to put them all in CAPS.]

"It's pronounced 'dia-beee-teees,' Wilfred."

"I don't know, Gladys, I just don't know. It's not you, believe me, I love you as much now as I did when we were first married. But sometimes, and lately, I just feel like I'm not entirely here. I keep thinking of this time when I was in the Angola and I saw some kid in a village eat this old chicken sandwich I was throwing out and he just ate it so fucking passionately and quickly it kind of gave me vertigo to think that someone would have so much feeling for a fucking two-day-old chicken sandwich and he ate it in like thirty seconds flat and I'm just happy and repulsed I've never felt anything like that and I just can't stop thinking about it and it sort of makes me feel like I'm not quite a man. Somehow. I don't know why."

"Put down the Blue's Clues, Einstein, it's time to lambada!"

[Query for TG Gibbon: Is "the Angola" anywhere near the Iraq?"]

"I don't get it. I did everything you asked. I slathered by box with tuna, I ran on the treadmill, I haven't bathed for a week, and you still won't do me. I give up."

"I bet you'd saw your tusks off for that slut in 7A."

"I was tired of sitting on the plastic cover, OK?"

"If you fill the hole in the wall, Russ, you can fill my hole with the walrus."





(My AA sponsor read this and started crying. Sorry, everyone.)

"The anti-caption contest has become as lame and unfunny as the caption contest."

Don't tell ME you just had a fish sandwich; your moustache smells like my sister's snatch.

The moustache can stay, but there'll be no oral until you do something about those tusks.

Be alert Wally; the otters here are mean.

"Honk honk hon-honk!"

"Wuh-dya mean I'm not the only bitch in the sea?"

"My wet spot? The whole fucking bed is a wet spot!"

"Well, have you filled out out your Census form yet? Well, have you? And what about your taxes??"

"So, your goddamned Mets are 2-6 so far. Hmmm...oh, that's right, they're on the same pace as the 1962 team. Y'know, the one that went 40-120!"

"Well, you look walrus-ted! Get it 'Wal rus-ted?' 'Well-rested?' Ah, fuck you, Ted."

If I put my fish costume on will you eat me then?

"Why don't you get off your blubbery ass and find your own damn reading glasses?"

[Anonymous: As far as I'm aware, and I am an expert, they are the same place, a small, third-world country in the Europe]

"Quit staring at the Wall, Russ and answer me. Who ate all the fish-sticks?"

[TG Gibbon: You are correct. It was a trick query-cum-comment. Good for you! Now, next time, please spell my name correctly.]

"Perry O' -
I almost take your naysaying as personal afront. Be more like Thumper."

Aw fuck you bitch.

"The Hymies took control of The New Yorker around the same time they took control of New York, with predictable results."

"The Hymies took control of The New Yorker around the same time they took control of New York, with predictable results."

(It's not the same without my name.)

"You look like a walrus; I'm not fucking kidding."

Wally Backman, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you not managing the Mets?

Stay out of the Calamari isn't done yet, you'll get worms.

"You realize YouTube has numerous videos of you sucking your own dick. Not just some Walrus -- YOU! What the hell is that all about? I mean, fuckin' A! My mom likes YouTube."

"Did you reset the router?"

Hey, Roger McGaugh! You're grammer needs serious work."

I don't give a shit about the volcano. You're going to have to find somewhere else to stay.

Hey, PC Police! Most anti-cappers are bright enough to know that walrus grammer is completely different than ours.

Honey, would you bring my robe and slipper? And my crack pipe?

Zen caption:

"Honey, does a dog have buddha-nature?"


"'The Walrus Guide to Alabama Oral Care' claims the dentists in Tuskegee are better than the dentists in Tuscaloosa. Why am I not surprised?"

"What's this? Charlie-fucking-Walrus?"

"Holy shit! I just realized I married a walrus!"

"Holy shit! I just realized... you're reading Glen Beck!"

"King Kong called. Said he'll give you $8 if you'll be his butt plug for the evening.

"That's right, we're having Trout Almondine for dinner AGAIN!!! Would you rather have NAMBY, boneguy or TG Gibbon?"

"Rereading Anthropomorphic Irony in 21st Century Comics,, are we?"

"Crabalocker fishwife? Pornographic priestess? Man, you've been a naughty boy. I'm crying!"

"Something's wrong inside me...the baby...it's hurting so bad..."

Futility, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you ever going to learn how to read and survive in the city?

Belarus? You're from Belarus? You're fucking with me, right?

Stay out of the Calamari it isn't done yet, you'll get worms.

Who are you calling a split-tail?

"Welcome to our igloo, visitor. Husband says I keep you warm tonight. You like anal?"

Well, yo mama DID promise us some strange!

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to lie on a rock and sun yourself. Get out of my fucking chair.

"Think I'm gonna barf!"

And you call yourself a man? You sad little fuck, and I can't go on deluding you. You're a fucking walrus. OK? A sad little fucking walrus.

Tuscaloosa, Mississippi? Sure, you closed your eyes and pointed. Cracker, puh-leeze. And how do you know there ain't no fucking volcanoes there?

Yes I think you're fat. Does NO SKINNY BITCHES ring a bell?

"Who's Afraid of Virginia Walrrus" is funny, but I still think "Who's afraid of Walrus Pussy" is better.

Honey? Try not be too happy about this but something terrible has happened downstairs. John's dead. Yes, dear...Lennon.

"Dysodonts all eaten. How about instead have nice bowl borscht?"

"Those otters didn't do anything to you. I hope you're haunted by the faces of your victims."

"I need a real manatee."

NOTE: Anti-Captions only please, anything else will be deleted.

"Let me guess. Under The Tusk and Sun?"

"She crosses her arms across her breasts and gives him a stern look? Like this.

Let me know when you get to page 218. Her sex fantasy is hot -- you'll definitely need a demonstration."

"Guess what, walrus-sitting-in-a-comfy-chair? Dwilk just gave me a shout-out! I'd like to thank him or her, but al-in-la says he'll delete anything except anti-captions."

"You can class up a regular peanut-butter sandwhich by adding a little watercress or cucumber. It may sound odd, but the crisp, mild flavor cuts the strong, viscous nature and prepares the sandwich for a more discriminating palate. Now I ask you: Is this an anti-caption, or merely an attempt to flout yet another arbitrary and freshly-introduced rule on the part of al in la? I guess we'll have to check back and see...Mr. Walrus, who I am obviously addressing right now, because this conversation is taking place in the context of me speaking to you as you sit in a chair reading."

"The chutzpah here is keen."

The trout here are almondine.

I like it a little rough, too, but how do I explain the tusk marks to the girls at the health club?

But I told the escort service I wanted a HUSKY man!

Really? You were in the 332nd Fighter Group? I guess that makes you the first black man in a New Yorker cartoon.

———Great! Now work on unhooking my bra with LESS words each minute."

(Melodically) Won't screw in this armchair I can feel your disease.

Would-be actual New Yorker contest winner, but too lazy to boot up night of the 18th: "We have to talk - of many things."

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