The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #235
al in laSubmit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
WINNER
[In Polish]: "Sir, your new cabinet."-- reid savid
SECOND PLACE
"...Again, the numbers for today's Mid-Day 5-Digit Lotto are 1-2-3-4-5." -- Kathy H
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"OK, number 4. It's your turn to put on the tutu." --Richard H
For additional Honorable Mentions and Judge's Comments go here.
Comments
No bail bond, we expect you to try to flee.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | April 5, 2010 10:11 PM
Number 5, can we see a pas de chat?
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 5, 2010 10:25 PM
...
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 5, 2010 10:28 PM
"The Alvin Ailey Dance Troupe is finally brought to justice."
Posted by: Dave | April 5, 2010 10:42 PM
The first line-up in the Tu-tu Murder Investigation.
Posted by: Dave | April 5, 2010 10:43 PM
"No. 2, please step forward with a chass——."
Posted by: Dave | April 5, 2010 10:46 PM
"Okay, now number two, put your finger down your throat and make some gagging and wretching sounds..."
Posted by: Martha Graham | April 5, 2010 10:47 PM
"Number three, show us your tits. Now turn to the left. Now dance around a little."
"The first thing I said was the assailant was a ballerina. This will never stand up in court. Are you tucking with me cause I was mugged by a girl."
Posted by: jf | April 5, 2010 10:51 PM
Just dial Transylvania 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Transylvania 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Transylvania 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Posted by: DSN | April 5, 2010 10:52 PM
"Yo dog, you da bomb!"
Posted by: Dex | April 5, 2010 10:55 PM
"Number five, please show us your interpretation, in dance, of the phrase, 'Your money or your life!'"
Posted by: Martha Graham | April 5, 2010 11:25 PM
"The fat Jew, second from the left."
Posted by: Anonymous | April 6, 2010 12:08 AM
"The Boss was right; there really was a ballet being fought out in the alley." (sorry, just horrid)
Posted by: Clarence | April 6, 2010 1:20 AM
"Number 5, please remove your hat."
Posted by: Celeste | April 6, 2010 1:24 AM
"Number 3, lift up your skirt and show us your suite nutcracker"
Posted by: Sarah | April 6, 2010 1:30 AM
"No, Fraulein Bond, I expect you are drei."
Posted by: G. Lazenby | April 6, 2010 1:35 AM
"Pssst....No one talks. Pass it on."
Posted by: Anonymous | April 6, 2010 1:36 AM
———Number one, step forward and perform Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake."
Posted by: Rob | April 6, 2010 5:35 AM
"Number three, you find out I'm also dating number four. What's your response?"
Posted by: Rob | April 6, 2010 6:57 AM
———I swear it's number three! I saw him execute a pirouette in broad daylight!"
Posted by: dwilk | April 6, 2010 8:09 AM
"No, you idiots. I said the perpetrator looked like Archbishop Desmond Tutu."
Posted by: Glenn | April 6, 2010 8:48 AM
"You can't be... Is this a joke? A man brutally raped me.
[crying, running from the room]
"Ah, let the bitch go."
Posted by: Glenn | April 6, 2010 8:53 AM
Man: "Psst - it's a criminal line-up. Where's the black guy?"
Man 2: "Are you kidding me? This is The New Yorker we're talking about."
Posted by: LK | April 6, 2010 9:06 AM
"Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010 New York Mets starting rotation!"
Posted by: Tim H | April 6, 2010 9:25 AM
HEADLINE: Lincoln Center Falls on Hard Times
Posted by: Kathy H | April 6, 2010 9:26 AM
"Well, gentlemen, it looks like someone read our memo———"
Posted by: Kathy H | April 6, 2010 9:27 AM
"Just you two -- Number 2 and Number 4: Number 2 without the tutu and Number 4 without the tutu, can you two face Number 3 with the tutu?"
Posted by: Tim H | April 6, 2010 9:29 AM
"Fugitive, you crazy bastard!. How are you?"
Posted by: A. Stretch | April 6, 2010 10:14 AM
"Number 3, let your hair down and try to flatten your chest."
Posted by: Wendy | April 6, 2010 10:15 AM
Keeping in mind that our height scale starts at negative eleven inches, I think we can turn this group into a pretty good basketball team. Yeah, I measured it. Oh, sure, like you're any less pathetic.
Posted by: Walt | April 6, 2010 10:19 AM
Pssst, #2 ——— watch out for #5, he'll squeal you out faster than a girl inna tutu.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | April 6, 2010 11:03 AM
"I'm positive -- number 1 is the man who raped me."
Posted by: Jared S. | April 6, 2010 11:36 AM
"Now, this time, Numbers 1, 3 and 4, you put your arms at your side, and Numbers 2 and 5, you put your arms behind your back."
Posted by: Kathy H | April 6, 2010 12:31 PM
"Number 5: Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy; a kid'll eat ivy, too. Wouldn't you?"
Posted by: Tim H | April 6, 2010 12:42 PM
"What are those, Arabic? I'm sorry, I can only read Roman Numerals."
Posted by: Glenn | April 6, 2010 1:03 PM
"One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?"
Posted by: Kermit | April 6, 2010 1:06 PM
"Number 3, our witness swears he's seen you before, but we know you're innocent, so it must be a case of degas vu."
Posted by: Richard H | April 6, 2010 1:25 PM
"OK, number 4. It's your turn to put on the tutu."
Posted by: Richard H | April 6, 2010 1:27 PM
"Hand me the keys you fucking cocksucker."
Posted by: andeux | April 6, 2010 1:48 PM
"Number 3, please move your number so I can peruse what look to be some hecka sweet knockers"
Posted by: Gern Blanston | April 6, 2010 2:18 PM
the others can go
I know my attacker had a goatee like numbers 3 and 4
Posted by: kirby epsilon 12 | April 6, 2010 2:26 PM
One ... line-up confrontation,
Let the victim see their face
Everyone, turn to the right
One ... feeling of frustration,
If you can't make your case
Turn left, everyone. Ma'am, do you see the ballerina who asaulted you?
(I know: Too long)
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 6, 2010 2:54 PM
En pointe, number three is 6'2"
Posted by: Amy E | April 6, 2010 4:06 PM
"#4, please put your stovepipe hat back on. You are traumatizing the victim again."
Posted by: Charles | April 6, 2010 4:16 PM
"Yep. The chick is definitely the shortest."
Posted by: Rubrick | April 6, 2010 4:58 PM
"........catch a nigger by his toe. If he hollers let him go, eenie meenie miney mo. Number four."
Posted by: dwilk | April 6, 2010 6:32 PM
Cop: "Ma'am, we're pretty sure numbers one, two, four, and five are all rapists, even if they aren't the individual who raped you. So, you really can't go wrong in choosing."
Victim: "Ask number three what musical she's in."
Cop: "Number three, what musical are you in?"
Number Three: "Mamma Mia!"
Victim: "It's three."
Posted by: Damon | April 6, 2010 6:37 PM
Big Tony told me he needed a new nutcracker, and I said "sweet!"
Posted by: Lieutenant Macaroni | April 6, 2010 6:43 PM
The outlaws here wear blue jeans. No exceptions. Who's the stupid fuck that let #3 in here like that?
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | April 6, 2010 6:51 PM
Come on dwilk, some things are too distasteful even for anti-cappers.
Posted by: PC Police | April 6, 2010 6:53 PM
"In 20 minutes this whole place is going to be crawling with homosexuals in leotards."
Posted by: Lieutenant Macaroni | April 6, 2010 7:43 PM
Like what?
Posted by: dwilk | April 6, 2010 7:43 PM
"Number three! That's the one I raped!"
Posted by: Rob | April 6, 2010 7:56 PM
Do you really need to be told that most people find the "n" word offensive in any context?
Posted by: PC Police | April 6, 2010 8:44 PM
An Anti-Caption judge tested my patience once. I ate his liver with some baked beans and farted all night.
Posted by: jazzy | April 6, 2010 9:30 PM
"No. 3? This is the Anti-Caption contest. You want www.newyorker.com/humor/caption. Sorry, sir"
(And for last week's highly controversial winners and Judge's Comments visit my blog.)
Posted by: al in la | April 6, 2010 9:49 PM
"Number 3, could you put your hair down and act like you are talking to a DC-10 pilot at his window?"
Posted by: Stewie | April 6, 2010 11:08 PM
"I'm sorry, officer, but you must have misunderstood. I wasn't attacked by a six inch pianist..."
Posted by: Comma D. Gold | April 7, 2010 12:41 AM
"For the bazillionth time: I was attacked by a couple of midgets. Do you mind?"
Posted by: Noodle | April 7, 2010 12:50 AM
"That's the one! In the middle! First she ate my horse, then she raped me!"
Posted by: Tex | April 7, 2010 1:26 AM
"I liked the Roman numerals better.
Posted by: Swaption | April 7, 2010 2:05 AM
"Does anyone want a blindfold or a last cigarette?""
Posted by: Swaption | April 7, 2010 2:08 AM
"It's not number three. She's got cop's tits."
Posted by: dwilk | April 7, 2010 7:08 AM
Number 3, could you turn into a swan again, please?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 7, 2010 7:56 AM
[Damon: "Mamma Mia!" Such brilliance. And...you didn't even use the "n" word.]
Posted by: Tim H | April 7, 2010 9:26 AM
"Definitely 3. Because she's to the right of Spring." [This is an obvious and ham-handed reference to the notorious riot at the premiere of Nijinsky and Stravinsky's ballet 'The Rite of Spring' at the Theatre des Champs-Elysee in Paris in 1913. Also number 2 is clearly former Cardinals pitcher Jack Spring.]
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 7, 2010 10:34 AM
The "tiny dancer"? Are you certain Mr. John?
Posted by: boneguy | April 7, 2010 10:48 AM
"...Again, the numbers for today's Mid-Day 5-Digit Lotto are 1-2-3-4-5."
Posted by: Kathy H | April 7, 2010 11:56 AM
"You all been selected for the new ballet, Subway Series, which will never be played at the Met(s)"
Posted by: Nichelle Good | April 7, 2010 12:42 PM
Everyone with a shaved vagina please step forward.
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 7, 2010 1:38 PM
I am Spartacus.
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 7, 2010 1:39 PM
Ralph will you please put your pants back on.
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 7, 2010 1:40 PM
Which one of you escaped from a Little Pink Jewelry box.
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 7, 2010 1:47 PM
Ma'am the Dance Studio is one door down.
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 7, 2010 1:49 PM
ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE!!
Posted by: Roger McGaugh | April 7, 2010 1:50 PM
"I guess you're all wondering if you'll be collared here today."
Posted by: Andy Sipowicz | April 7, 2010 2:13 PM
Number 3 is obviously too full-figured to be a dancer. Can't you idiots put a decent line-up together?
Posted by: R. Nureyev | April 7, 2010 2:14 PM
Furillo, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you not retired by now?
Posted by: D. J. Travanti | April 7, 2010 2:22 PM
I take offense to the expression "finger the perp."
Posted by: Lietenant Macaroni | April 7, 2010 2:58 PM
How fucked is it that Cheney's still on the loose drawing cartoons when he should be in a line-up himself?
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | April 7, 2010 4:12 PM
"Sorry to hold all you folks up, but Number 6 seems to have fled the premises."
Posted by: Tim H | April 7, 2010 4:35 PM
December 3, 1945
Posted by: Kathy H | April 7, 2010 4:43 PM
Or.....December 3, 1945
Posted by: Kathy H | April 7, 2010 4:47 PM
"Can I pick more than one?"
Posted by: Rob | April 7, 2010 6:44 PM
We put the pasty-faced, fat-thighed bitch in there so we can't be accused of profiling.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | April 7, 2010 7:13 PM
"Dance - 10; Looks - 3"
Posted by: Anonymous | April 7, 2010 7:59 PM
"Book 'em, Danno, murder one!"
Posted by: McGarret | April 7, 2010 8:04 PM
Number 3, first position.
Posted by: boneguy | April 8, 2010 3:26 AM
"No, Detective, it's none of them. How long before you realize I really meant it when I said 'A squirrel, a raccoon, a baby, a porcupine, and a guy in a cowboy hat.'"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 8, 2010 5:06 AM
"Can you ask them to put their spacesuits back on?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 8, 2010 5:36 AM
"On your mark..., get set..., GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!!"
Posted by: dwilk | April 8, 2010 7:09 AM
"OK, everybody, turn, turn, kick, turn"
Posted by: Anonymous | April 8, 2010 11:39 AM
"On most multiple choice tests, one possible answer can usually be eliminated immediately. Hint: it's either the hat or the woman."
Posted by: Sarah | April 8, 2010 11:52 AM
"Yoiks! Okay, okay, you can put your burkahs back on."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 8, 2010 2:04 PM
"Here in Schenectady we take our ZIP Code -- and our nnemonic devices -- seriously."
Posted by: Tim H | April 8, 2010 4:12 PM
[...mnemonic devices]
Posted by: Tim H | April 8, 2010 4:40 PM
"...Pneumatic...
Normanistic..
Nomadic..
pneumonia"
Posted by: Anonymous | April 8, 2010 6:06 PM
MahN—— MahN——, doo doo doo doo!
Posted by: Anonymous | April 8, 2010 6:11 PM
The Education of Katrina
Scene One
INT. A dingy police station in the middle of the night. Katrina is standing in a line-up with four men. She remembers answering a Craig's List ad for a dance instructor and she remembers drinking tequila. Everything else is a blur...
Posted by: Jess | April 8, 2010 6:30 PM
When a busty ballerina finds herself in a line up of hardened criminals, she proves she's not innocent.
From the deviant director of NYPD Blue Balls, Juggs Advocate General, and Prison Bitches in Heat 1-7...
Rock Harden, Peter Geyser, Reuben Balls, Tyger Woodie, and Misty Crevice indulge their guilty pleasures in...
Lusty Line Up
Posted by: W.E.C. Media | April 8, 2010 6:50 PM
No. 3, you may step down. The rest of you, we have an unprecedented four-way tie this week!
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | April 8, 2010 7:06 PM
"Simon says hands in the air. Simon says hands to your side. Hands behind your back if you didn't gangbang her."
Posted by: Rob | April 8, 2010 7:25 PM
"After the line-up would it be possible to give my phone number to the guy who did the cavity search?"
Posted by: Lieutenant Macaroni | April 8, 2010 7:30 PM
"Damn, I gotta take a shit."
Posted by: c1w | April 8, 2010 8:57 PM
"The Unusual Suspects" Starring: Daniel Baldwin as #1, William Baldwin as #2, Tony Danza as #4. Reprising his role as Michael McManus, #5 Stephen Baldwin and Clay Aiken as Prima Ballerina #3.
Posted by: Rex Reed | April 8, 2010 9:08 PM
"I'm haunted by the numbers of my victims."
Posted by: Lucifer | April 8, 2010 9:15 PM
"I....Z.......B..A...............uhhhhhh...S?"
Posted by: dwilk | April 8, 2010 10:14 PM
From RuPaul's Drag Race, the early years.
Posted by: Anonymous | April 9, 2010 2:04 AM
Hey Mr.Photographer, should we switch 1 and 4 so it looks more even on both sides ?
Posted by: Sidd | April 9, 2010 2:07 AM
Look here Mr.Photographer. I can't just switch 1 and 4 to make it look more even on both sides.
Posted by: Sidd | April 9, 2010 2:09 AM
"One!
...singular sensation, every little step he takes."
Posted by: Brian L | April 9, 2010 11:49 AM
"This is excellent timing because we're now looking for a replacement for Justice John Paul Stevens."
Posted by: Anonymouse | April 9, 2010 12:09 PM
"You used to be able to look at birds perched on 5 wires and see them as notes on a staff. Now this. It's a sad commentary on the state of society. Probably why music sucks these days. F F E G F - feh!"
Posted by: Glenn | April 9, 2010 12:28 PM
"I'm pretty sure it was number three--that was the fiend who stuck his penis into my anus and defiled me for over three hours. But I'll need to let him do it again to be sure."
"Probable original caption: A Chorus Lineup"
"Okay, day laborers, I need two tilers, a drywall hanger, and a coryphee."
"Don't worry ma'am, they can't see you. Just tell us which of these held you up en gun pointe."
Posted by: Trout Almondine | April 9, 2010 1:16 PM
"Dear Johnny Law, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday standing in this line-up for whatever it was we did wrong...but we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us...But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain———and an athlete...and a basket case...and a princess..and a criminal...Does that answer your question?"
Posted by: Claire Standish and Brian Johnson | April 9, 2010 2:17 PM
Thanks no. 3; you can go."
Posted by: Dave | April 9, 2010 3:13 PM
"No. 3? Honey, you need to lose 10 pounds if you want to stay in this dance troupe. The rest of you are just fine."
Posted by: Jess | April 9, 2010 5:18 PM
"Take your time and tell us which one is the dancer who dances dances."
Posted by: Anonymouse | April 9, 2010 5:46 PM
I could have sworn the perp had facial hair, although it is possible I had my head between number 3's legs at the time.
Posted by: CRC | April 9, 2010 5:50 PM
Casting call for that new porn flick - Francis With Wolves.
Posted by: CRC | April 9, 2010 5:56 PM
Can you ask them to stay put for a few minutes while I take a dump?
Posted by: CRC | April 9, 2010 6:01 PM
Number 4, can we see your mohawk next to number 3's vagina?
Posted by: CRC | April 9, 2010 6:09 PM
Dont be so stuck up, missy. Put your nose down.
Posted by: Sidd | April 10, 2010 12:59 AM
Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing ? I mean, am I ?? Really ??
Posted by: Sidd | April 10, 2010 1:05 AM
"Voy a matarte. Nada de lo intencional, lo juro."
(remember ?)
Posted by: Sidd | April 10, 2010 1:14 AM
"Well, Jon Stewart DID promise us change!"
Posted by: Obama | April 10, 2010 10:13 AM
I'm afraid these aren't your miners, sir, just four
RNC members after a long weekend with their lesbian/bondage-themed strip club hostess.
Posted by: M. Steele | April 10, 2010 5:34 PM
"This isn't a fair lineup."
Posted by: Deborah | April 10, 2010 5:59 PM
"Chief, it appears Swan Lake has its share of bad yeggs."
Posted by: MC | April 10, 2010 6:03 PM
"Did you know that uniform numbers matched the batting order in the early days of baseball? Number 3 doesn't exactly remind me of Babe Ruth, but she is a babe."
Posted by: Leo | April 11, 2010 11:11 AM
"It might be better to have the rape victim point out the attacker from behind the glass, where we're standing, so she doesn't have to stand next to them and all that. She might be worried it might happen again, right here. It's not a realistic concern, truthfully, but from a psychological standpoint, she's going to have a hard time separating this moment from the past moment of her rape, and therefore amassing the courage needed to confront the man who victimized her. You know?"
Posted by: Ben | April 11, 2010 11:51 AM
Since we're strictly volunteer we need them all, but I suggest you remind numbers 3 and 4 about Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
Posted by: CRC | April 11, 2010 5:28 PM
Numbers 1,2,4 and 5 are teabaggers. Number 3 is the teabag-ee. She insisted on coming along.
Posted by: Wingnut | April 11, 2010 5:41 PM
[In Polish]: "Sir, your new cabinet."
Posted by: reid savid | April 11, 2010 6:24 PM
It was definately number 3 who raped and sodomized me. Yes, she did bring me to orgasm numerous times, but I swear it wasn't consentual.
Posted by: Girly Man | April 11, 2010 8:25 PM
"This isnt a fair line-up."
"I guess it's more fair than it should be."
Posted by: Sidd | April 11, 2010 11:14 PM
We're looking for Sidd. He's reported to have stolen an anti-cap from one Deborah.
Posted by: J. Friday | April 11, 2010 11:23 PM
"Number three, please step rowrad and say, 'Give me your money or I'll blow your fucking head off.' "
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 12, 2010 2:18 PM
"Number three, please step forward and say, 'Give me your money or I'll blow your fucking head off.' "
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 12, 2010 2:19 PM