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April 5, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #235

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
Anti cap 235 police line up ballet dancer.jpg


[In Polish]: "Sir, your new cabinet."-- reid savid

"...Again, the numbers for today's Mid-Day 5-Digit Lotto are 1-2-3-4-5." -- Kathy H


"OK, number 4. It's your turn to put on the tutu." --Richard H

For additional Honorable Mentions and Judge's Comments go here.


No bail bond, we expect you to try to flee.

Number 5, can we see a pas de chat?


"The Alvin Ailey Dance Troupe is finally brought to justice."

The first line-up in the Tu-tu Murder Investigation.

"No. 2, please step forward with a chass——."

"Okay, now number two, put your finger down your throat and make some gagging and wretching sounds..."

"Number three, show us your tits. Now turn to the left. Now dance around a little."

"The first thing I said was the assailant was a ballerina. This will never stand up in court. Are you tucking with me cause I was mugged by a girl."

Just dial Transylvania 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Transylvania 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Transylvania 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

"Yo dog, you da bomb!"

"Number five, please show us your interpretation, in dance, of the phrase, 'Your money or your life!'"

"The fat Jew, second from the left."

"The Boss was right; there really was a ballet being fought out in the alley." (sorry, just horrid)

"Number 5, please remove your hat."

"Number 3, lift up your skirt and show us your suite nutcracker"

"No, Fraulein Bond, I expect you are drei."

"Pssst....No one talks. Pass it on."

———Number one, step forward and perform Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake."

"Number three, you find out I'm also dating number four. What's your response?"

———I swear it's number three! I saw him execute a pirouette in broad daylight!"

"No, you idiots. I said the perpetrator looked like Archbishop Desmond Tutu."

"You can't be... Is this a joke? A man brutally raped me.
[crying, running from the room]
"Ah, let the bitch go."

Man: "Psst - it's a criminal line-up. Where's the black guy?"

Man 2: "Are you kidding me? This is The New Yorker we're talking about."

"Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010 New York Mets starting rotation!"

HEADLINE: Lincoln Center Falls on Hard Times

"Well, gentlemen, it looks like someone read our memo———"

"Just you two -- Number 2 and Number 4: Number 2 without the tutu and Number 4 without the tutu, can you two face Number 3 with the tutu?"

"Fugitive, you crazy bastard!. How are you?"

"Number 3, let your hair down and try to flatten your chest."

Keeping in mind that our height scale starts at negative eleven inches, I think we can turn this group into a pretty good basketball team. Yeah, I measured it. Oh, sure, like you're any less pathetic.

Pssst, #2 ——— watch out for #5, he'll squeal you out faster than a girl inna tutu.

"I'm positive -- number 1 is the man who raped me."

"Now, this time, Numbers 1, 3 and 4, you put your arms at your side, and Numbers 2 and 5, you put your arms behind your back."

"Number 5: Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy; a kid'll eat ivy, too. Wouldn't you?"

"What are those, Arabic? I'm sorry, I can only read Roman Numerals."

"One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?"

"Number 3, our witness swears he's seen you before, but we know you're innocent, so it must be a case of degas vu."

"OK, number 4. It's your turn to put on the tutu."

"Hand me the keys you fucking cocksucker."

"Number 3, please move your number so I can peruse what look to be some hecka sweet knockers"

the others can go
I know my attacker had a goatee like numbers 3 and 4

One ... line-up confrontation,
Let the victim see their face

Everyone, turn to the right
One ... feeling of frustration,
If you can't make your case

Turn left, everyone. Ma'am, do you see the ballerina who asaulted you?

(I know: Too long)

En pointe, number three is 6'2"

"#4, please put your stovepipe hat back on. You are traumatizing the victim again."

"Yep. The chick is definitely the shortest."

"........catch a nigger by his toe. If he hollers let him go, eenie meenie miney mo. Number four."

Cop: "Ma'am, we're pretty sure numbers one, two, four, and five are all rapists, even if they aren't the individual who raped you. So, you really can't go wrong in choosing."

Victim: "Ask number three what musical she's in."

Cop: "Number three, what musical are you in?"

Number Three: "Mamma Mia!"

Victim: "It's three."

Big Tony told me he needed a new nutcracker, and I said "sweet!"

The outlaws here wear blue jeans. No exceptions. Who's the stupid fuck that let #3 in here like that?

Come on dwilk, some things are too distasteful even for anti-cappers.

"In 20 minutes this whole place is going to be crawling with homosexuals in leotards."

Like what?

"Number three! That's the one I raped!"

Do you really need to be told that most people find the "n" word offensive in any context?

An Anti-Caption judge tested my patience once. I ate his liver with some baked beans and farted all night.

"No. 3? This is the Anti-Caption contest. You want www.newyorker.com/humor/caption. Sorry, sir"

(And for last week's highly controversial winners and Judge's Comments visit my blog.)

"Number 3, could you put your hair down and act like you are talking to a DC-10 pilot at his window?"

"I'm sorry, officer, but you must have misunderstood. I wasn't attacked by a six inch pianist..."

"For the bazillionth time: I was attacked by a couple of midgets. Do you mind?"

"That's the one! In the middle! First she ate my horse, then she raped me!"

"I liked the Roman numerals better.

"Does anyone want a blindfold or a last cigarette?""

"It's not number three. She's got cop's tits."

Number 3, could you turn into a swan again, please?"

[Damon: "Mamma Mia!" Such brilliance. And...you didn't even use the "n" word.]

"Definitely 3. Because she's to the right of Spring." [This is an obvious and ham-handed reference to the notorious riot at the premiere of Nijinsky and Stravinsky's ballet 'The Rite of Spring' at the Theatre des Champs-Elysee in Paris in 1913. Also number 2 is clearly former Cardinals pitcher Jack Spring.]

The "tiny dancer"? Are you certain Mr. John?

"...Again, the numbers for today's Mid-Day 5-Digit Lotto are 1-2-3-4-5."

"You all been selected for the new ballet, Subway Series, which will never be played at the Met(s)"

Everyone with a shaved vagina please step forward.

I am Spartacus.

Ralph will you please put your pants back on.

Which one of you escaped from a Little Pink Jewelry box.

Ma'am the Dance Studio is one door down.


"I guess you're all wondering if you'll be collared here today."

Number 3 is obviously too full-figured to be a dancer. Can't you idiots put a decent line-up together?

Furillo, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you not retired by now?

I take offense to the expression "finger the perp."

How fucked is it that Cheney's still on the loose drawing cartoons when he should be in a line-up himself?

"Sorry to hold all you folks up, but Number 6 seems to have fled the premises."

"Can I pick more than one?"

We put the pasty-faced, fat-thighed bitch in there so we can't be accused of profiling.

"Dance - 10; Looks - 3"

"Book 'em, Danno, murder one!"

Number 3, first position.

"No, Detective, it's none of them. How long before you realize I really meant it when I said 'A squirrel, a raccoon, a baby, a porcupine, and a guy in a cowboy hat.'"

"Can you ask them to put their spacesuits back on?"

"On your mark..., get set..., GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!!"

"OK, everybody, turn, turn, kick, turn"

"On most multiple choice tests, one possible answer can usually be eliminated immediately. Hint: it's either the hat or the woman."

"Yoiks! Okay, okay, you can put your burkahs back on."

"Here in Schenectady we take our ZIP Code -- and our nnemonic devices -- seriously."

[...mnemonic devices]


MahN—— MahN——, doo doo doo doo!

The Education of Katrina

Scene One
INT. A dingy police station in the middle of the night. Katrina is standing in a line-up with four men. She remembers answering a Craig's List ad for a dance instructor and she remembers drinking tequila. Everything else is a blur...

When a busty ballerina finds herself in a line up of hardened criminals, she proves she's not innocent.

From the deviant director of NYPD Blue Balls, Juggs Advocate General, and Prison Bitches in Heat 1-7...

Rock Harden, Peter Geyser, Reuben Balls, Tyger Woodie, and Misty Crevice indulge their guilty pleasures in...

Lusty Line Up

No. 3, you may step down. The rest of you, we have an unprecedented four-way tie this week!

"Simon says hands in the air. Simon says hands to your side. Hands behind your back if you didn't gangbang her."

"After the line-up would it be possible to give my phone number to the guy who did the cavity search?"

"Damn, I gotta take a shit."

"The Unusual Suspects" Starring: Daniel Baldwin as #1, William Baldwin as #2, Tony Danza as #4. Reprising his role as Michael McManus, #5 Stephen Baldwin and Clay Aiken as Prima Ballerina #3.

"I'm haunted by the numbers of my victims."


From RuPaul's Drag Race, the early years.

Hey Mr.Photographer, should we switch 1 and 4 so it looks more even on both sides ?

Look here Mr.Photographer. I can't just switch 1 and 4 to make it look more even on both sides.

...singular sensation, every little step he takes."

"This is excellent timing because we're now looking for a replacement for Justice John Paul Stevens."

"You used to be able to look at birds perched on 5 wires and see them as notes on a staff. Now this. It's a sad commentary on the state of society. Probably why music sucks these days. F F E G F - feh!"

"I'm pretty sure it was number three--that was the fiend who stuck his penis into my anus and defiled me for over three hours. But I'll need to let him do it again to be sure."

"Probable original caption: A Chorus Lineup"

"Okay, day laborers, I need two tilers, a drywall hanger, and a coryphee."

"Don't worry ma'am, they can't see you. Just tell us which of these held you up en gun pointe."

"Dear Johnny Law, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday standing in this line-up for whatever it was we did wrong...but we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us...But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain———and an athlete...and a basket case...and a princess..and a criminal...Does that answer your question?"

Thanks no. 3; you can go."

"No. 3? Honey, you need to lose 10 pounds if you want to stay in this dance troupe. The rest of you are just fine."

"Take your time and tell us which one is the dancer who dances dances."

I could have sworn the perp had facial hair, although it is possible I had my head between number 3's legs at the time.

Casting call for that new porn flick - Francis With Wolves.

Can you ask them to stay put for a few minutes while I take a dump?

Number 4, can we see your mohawk next to number 3's vagina?

Dont be so stuck up, missy. Put your nose down.

Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing ? I mean, am I ?? Really ??

"Voy a matarte. Nada de lo intencional, lo juro."
(remember ?)

"Well, Jon Stewart DID promise us change!"

I'm afraid these aren't your miners, sir, just four
RNC members after a long weekend with their lesbian/bondage-themed strip club hostess.

"This isn't a fair lineup."

"Chief, it appears Swan Lake has its share of bad yeggs."

"Did you know that uniform numbers matched the batting order in the early days of baseball? Number 3 doesn't exactly remind me of Babe Ruth, but she is a babe."

"It might be better to have the rape victim point out the attacker from behind the glass, where we're standing, so she doesn't have to stand next to them and all that. She might be worried it might happen again, right here. It's not a realistic concern, truthfully, but from a psychological standpoint, she's going to have a hard time separating this moment from the past moment of her rape, and therefore amassing the courage needed to confront the man who victimized her. You know?"

Since we're strictly volunteer we need them all, but I suggest you remind numbers 3 and 4 about Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Numbers 1,2,4 and 5 are teabaggers. Number 3 is the teabag-ee. She insisted on coming along.

[In Polish]: "Sir, your new cabinet."

It was definately number 3 who raped and sodomized me. Yes, she did bring me to orgasm numerous times, but I swear it wasn't consentual.

"This isnt a fair line-up."
"I guess it's more fair than it should be."

We're looking for Sidd. He's reported to have stolen an anti-cap from one Deborah.

"Number three, please step rowrad and say, 'Give me your money or I'll blow your fucking head off.' "

"Number three, please step forward and say, 'Give me your money or I'll blow your fucking head off.' "

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