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March 29, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #234

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

anti cap 234 horse made of bones.jpg

Rules & Tips

"Shit! This happens every time I park overnight in Brooklyn."-- NAMBY

"Will the owner of the stegosaurus with the tiny barrel on its back please remove it from the driveway? It's chewing on the porch post again."-- c1w

For additional Honorable Mentions and a Judge's Comment for each one go here.


"I don't know. I still don't think you're skinny enough for the runway."

"If I hear one more peep out of you about equine osteoporosis...."

"Shit! This happens every time I park overnight in Brooklyn."

"I'll tell you one thing. I haven't done any focus groups, but I'm fixin' on cornering the market on horsey scrimshaw."

———I———m so hungry I could eat a...........shit.———

"Do these 'skinny fit' jeans make me look gay? Be honest."

"Have you lost weight?"

"Well, tomorrow I'll be sober and you'll still be dead."

"Aw, dang it! Who forgot to feed the Chinamen?"

———Ah don———t care whut dey say. I still think yer beautiful, Sarah Jessica.———

"I said, 'Do your Dinah SHORE!'"

"I think this proves Avatar was a direct ripoff of Dances with Wolves."


Your caption is colder than a transvestite donkey-witch's tit.

"Hey, why the long face?"

"If it was going to cost you your life, you should of at least brought a larger barrel."

"No, Mr. Bones, I suspect you'll remain tied"

"Flicka, you crazy bastard, how the hell are you?"

"This is a big fucking deal!"

"Fuckin' Jews."

"Who ate my Mecklenburger?"

"Well, I reckon it's time to ride on up to Cheyenne and git the results of Contest #272 onta the Inter- . . . Aw fuck, not again."

Better make that:

"Well, I reckon it's time to ride on up to Amarillo and git the results of Contest #272 onta the Inter- . . . Aw fuck, not again."

(Just noticed the Texas belt buckle.)

"Aw, nuts! Who's gonna bone me now?"

"After my sarsaparilla, I'm fixin' to get me one of them there Randolph Scott Makeovers at the spa. So, stay put, y'hear?!"

Festus, you crazy bastard! Where the hell are you?

Hello, Mr. Bond. We've been expecting you to die.

Great concept for a cartoon, Mr. Tate, but it needs some fleshing out.

Congratulations. I think you're the first black man to be in The New Yorker Cartoon. That's a lousy horse.

"Hmm...There aren't any black people here...I wonder who could've done this?"

Come on in and see Kitty Carlisle.

Well, it looks like Tate the way Mr. Katz wrote it.

[Wow, CRC, we almost came at the same time!!!]

[CRC and Hedley Lamarr coming at the same time. Now, that's a cartoon!]

"Right. And the next thing you'll tell me is that Ricky Martin is gay!"

*sigh* Another day, another 20 Redfeather Injuns to kill. But in a month I'll have enough faction rep with the Dreadspur Cowboys to get this awesome mount.

"Well shewt - I thought all that screaming and whimpering was the brakes. Should've gotten the undercoating."

I see you've been through the desert on a horse with no mane.

"Well, Silver, I learned in my Texas textbook that evolution is hooey, so there's no way on God's earth you're gonna convince me to go back and examine the fossil record. Put your horseflesh back on. We're getting out of here. "

For the lousy extra three bucks, I shudda got the Westworld Audio tour.

"I traded my kingdom for this? Fuckers."

And a happy fucking April Fools to you too, Damien Hirst!

"I guess in lieu of a receipt, the dog food factory left me this..."

You can't pull up on a piece of shit like that and expect to get through our velvet swinging doors.

Ah, another empty suit. Welcome to Crawford.

"Them margaritas were reeaaalllll good, but the bar-be-que tastes like horse meat."

"Have you been waiting long, Incitatus?"

"Mescalito, you crazy bastard! ——C——mo est—— usted?"

"The valet parking here is obscene."

"People seems to confuse their western pussies. Kitty Carlisle and Miss Kitty are similar, yet different"

"Where's your mojo now, Mr. My-two-foot-long-schlong-has-turned-to-dust?"

"See... That didn't take so long, did it!?"

"Well, Dang! Dang dang dang!!!"

"The horses here are lean."

"Best. Basashi. Ever."

"You gotta head into the next town and bring back more booze- now run like the wind!"

"OK, so you don't want to end up like Kirstie Alley on 'Big Life'- you're still overreacting."

"Jest hold yer tarsals thar, Ol' Paint. You'll git them oats as soon as I form that posse for Frank Miller."

"If we want a shot at the Derby or even the Preakness, we're gonna have to tweak your Lasix dose."

"Give it up, already. I suspected an eating disorder from the very first batch of oats puke in your feedbag."

Well, I'll be damned. I was tellin' the fellers inside that "you can take a horse to the bar, but can't make it drink" -- and they were rubbin' my nose in it for resortin' to a tired cliche.

Shee-it. I left my keys in the saloon.

Well, I'll be... I expected to find a pile of bones out here.

You were a lousy ride anyway.

Once my buzz wears off, I'll be haunted by this face. And spine. And ribcage.

Hey, Bones. Ed Hardy's on the phone inside. He wants to do a T-shirt with your likeness on it.

Ah, put a lid on it. This is the coldest summer we've had in a long time. You believe a guy who said he invented the internet?

(With apologies for seasonal timing):

"Just remember our motto here at Fort Dachau, 'Arbeit Macht Frei.'"

"You say there were four of them? One on a white horse, one on a black horse, one on a red horse, and one on a pale horse? Well, thanks, Shergar, that's probably all the evidence we need to catch 'em up before they get to the border. Yep, sure is a good thing I'm a ghost-horse whisperer. Fridays this Fall on CBS!"


"What're you laughing at? I just said I was the rootinest, tootinest cowpoke in this here Glasscock County, Texas, and probably any Glasscock anywhere and I'd take on all comers from Glasscocks."

"Has anybody seen my pants? No, I mean my other pants. With the stripes."

Equus caballus? You hardly even know us!

"I'll thank you to keep your horse platitudes about horse latitudes to yourself."

"For the last time: I'm from Louisiana, but I call myself Tex 'cause I ain't gonna let nobody call me Louise. Capiche?"

"Hi-yo, Boner, away!"

Christ, what an ossihorse.

"A corpse is a corpse, of course, of course." (OK, so it's stolen from an old SNL skit...)

"So, you're Calista Flockhart's horse."

"It's....horse....meat. Cat food is made out of horse meat. You've got to tell them....Cat food is realllllyyyy hoooorse meeeaattttt!"

"I said, 'a horse with no NAME.'"

"I'm going into the bar. You want me to get you some hay and a broom?"

"Vee vill take ova die ganza weldt, me and meine little liebchen robotic horsey. Vee vill change our surname from Hitler to Bush."

"Looks like it's time for a new horse."


"Quite frankly, I don't think you'll make weight for the Kentucky Derby."

"It's funny, because the glue that's holding you together, that was your brother."

"They eat horses, don't they?"

"Wait here, Samson. I'll try'n git ya a Mogen David to go."

"We're organizin' a posse. It seems the T-Rex exhibit escaped from the mu-zeum agin!"

"Shittt. You ain't the horse I rode in on last month."

"Oh no! My poor zebra!"

The hombres here are mean.

"Howdy! Hello! How are you? Good afternoon! Welcome to town! Aww, who am I kiddin'? I'm just greeting a dead horse."

We're a proud and simple folk. This ain't no kinda town for a clothes horse.

"If I'm all hat and no cattle, then you're all saddle and no horse."

"She took you to the reverse taxidermist, didn't she."

Oh my God. Is that you, Harry?

"I hate it when horses dessicate."

[OUT OF PANEL VOICE:] "...continuing our tour of the Creation Museeum, here we see a typical Old West scene of a cowboy with his loyal dinosaur..."

"Crazy Horse, you crazy horse! What the fuck happened?"

"Aw, shit. PETA's gonna be all over my sorry ass."

Apparently I got the AIDS virus from some saloon whore and passed it on to you. Sorry.

Do you think that the writer's on Gunsmoke named "Miss Kitty" as some kind of sexual innuendo?

Here's another banal caption: As the new sheriff in town, I'm going to ban al in la commentary. But don't quote me on that.

Who wears white after Labor Day? Your daddy, that's who!

"Yeah, my belt buckle's in the shape of Texas. What of it?"

"Yes, it was the Apache chief, Wiki, who told that 'the skeletal system of the horse has three major functions in the body. It protects vital organs, provides framework, and supports soft parts of the body. Horses typically have 205 bones. The pelvic limb typically contains 19 bones, while the thoracic limb contains 20 bones '."

We've got to find his collar. alinla is in a panic that it's going to wind up on the Mets.

You must be parched.

"Buttercup, go get help!"

"What's wrong Mr. Ed--cat got your tongue?"

Guess I'm just a cardboard cowboy riding a pantomime horse into a Potemkin village . . .

"What's the problem, Karen? Jesus was a carpenter and he came back from the dead."

"Is this your idea of an April Fools joke? Well, it worked! I love it!!"

"I guess the folks in Brokeback really mean it when they say, 'fuck you and the horse you rode in on.'"

"Draw!...the rest of the horse, you idgit! I'm hornier than a two-peckered dog and got to git to Miss Kitty's Pussy Parlor pronto!"

Diggin Up Bones, I'm diggin up bones.....

He's lactose intolerant.

I should have known better than to park my horse here alone in this neighborhood.

I bought him at the Smithsonian.

His fat free diet seems to be working well.

There's no bones about it he loves to horse around.

Get your bony butt over here.

"Will the owner of the stegosaurus with the tiny barrel on its back please remove it from the driveway? It's chewing on the porch post again."

"Damn horse. Why does everything I kill die?"

"Sorry about that. They wouldn't let me leave until I had just one more drink."

There is something about the inside of a horse that is good for the outside of a man.

"Fuck you anyway! Look closely. See that little mouse in the lower left corner of the saloon door; she's my new 'ride'."

I may have a drinking problem.

Shit. Now I have to call Arecibo and they take forever on the weekends.

James Van Der Beek: "I done told you, Red - you're mah horse, an yew'll always be mah horse. But you been dead for eight years now. You can't keep unburying yourself to come be with me. You gots to let go, an so do I. Git. Go on now, git! We'll be t'gether in Heaven one day, I promise..."

Director: "Cut. Try again, but this time, make it even sadder. Action!"

James Van Der Beek: "Ya te dije, Rojo - eres mi caballo, y t—— siempre ser——s mi caballo. Pero usted ha estado muerto desde hace ocho a——os..."

"Juanita likes it real slow."

Y'all 'r welcome to keep a waitin', but I reckon mypalmike ain't gonna show
up no more, 'tho he used to be the propropietor here.

The whores here are clean.

"Heeeey Macarena!"

"It seems to be some kind of metaphorm for the results of rash military adventures, but I'll be danged if I can interpretate it."

All right, fuckers———the first guy I see in a horse suit gets a kick in the nuts.

"Dyin' aint much of a livin' boy... Oh my gawd! I always wanted to say that!"

On the set of Men In Black 3, Tommy Lee Jones, confident from recent winning Anti-Caption posts (anonymous) and certain of a humorous outtake blurts out, "RAPTURE! YOU READY?!" There's a long silence followed by a mouse fart.

Once Republican Party hopefuls, Bobby Jindal and John McCain (who only moments before shared Stage 4 at the Tea Party gathering) swap notes on all the "Olive Garden" pussy that has descended on Searchlight, Nevada.

"Sweet merciful saloon whore time machine!"

"Simon says put your hands on your hips. You're out, again!"

"Now, here———s the plan. First, I'll be takin' care of that varmint who called me The Bone Ranger. Then, I'll be chowin' down at this 3-star emporium. And, finally, I'll have them wrap up my leftovers in a horsey bag and then we'll vamoose."

"Well, I'll be. It's pretty clear what you gave up for Lent."

Mr. BERGSTROM: There are three things wrong with this picture. Name them and you get my hat.

LISA SIMPSON: The horse is a skeleton; your belt says 'State of Texas", but it wasn't a state until 1845; and there is a Medical Marijuana dispensary down the block."

"I'll stop drinking if you join a support group for anorexics."

This must be one o' them quarterhorses.

"In Soviet Russia, horse spooks you."

"Okay, who the hell put a miniature barrel on my horse's saddle?"

"Ha! Ha ha! I guess I need a new horse."

"I know! I know! But what 'bout me and my 'roids?!"

I guess you wandered by my beer hall today.

Seems we done pissed off the proprietors.

"Duz this mean we ain't goin' to th' Apple store?"

now with gumption- "MotherFucker! Man, I wuz lookin'foard to a warm can o' beans, 9.7 inch Obama Girl and a 10 inch, sweaty mean on!"

Next time I'll break my own fucking horse.

I ain't so sure fossil fuels is the future of transportation.

"Hey, why the long skull?"

I'ts okay, I'm drunk or it's just a mirage. But where are my spurs?

Plenty o' Mr. Cheney's former huntin' partners come through these parts. Tell me, was he drunk, hung over or just itchin' ta shoot somethin'?

" What the ! Ohno. Oh that ain't funny. This really, really sucks. What kind of bitter, malcontent cretin... "

"I asked for a horse; they gave me a boner"

"Over at Smokin' Joe's Barbecue, they are pullin the Trigger."

"Next time I'm telling the Pony Express I want a flesh horse."

Thanks fer comin' by. After Easter dinner I always like to pick at the carcass.

Hey boys, come out and look at this. We got us a horseless headman.

"What's the matter Mr. Ed, Farley Katz got your tongue and other assorted body parts, including you know what?"

"You're the first horse I ever met that wasn't hung like one."

"Well, Trigger, this one-horse town won't be the same without you."

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