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March 22, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #233

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
anti-cap profits.jpg
Rules & Tips

WINNER (THREE-WAY TIE)

"Did someone in here order a jug band to play a plaintive, Depression-era folk tune about downward class mobility?" --Trout Almondine

"You think you've got it bad? We're just the latest in a long line of redneck caricatures created for the sole purpose of making New Yorker readers feel culturally superior."-- clannish

"My name's Brigham Young and these are my wives. We've come to complain about the rapid and deep decline in prophets. And your spelling."-- TG Gibbon


For 2nd, 3rd & 4th place as well as all the many Honorable Mentions and a comment for each one go here.

Comments

"Back in my day, what happened at the pettin' zoo stayed at the pettin' zoo!"

"You wanted to see us boss?"

"Did you want milk or sugar in your Texas tea?"

We told you that would happen if Obama was elected.

You laid off Caveman, Guy lost in Desert, People in Bar? All the stock cartoon figures? At least no black people lost their jobs.

They said we could come in here and commit beastiality.

"What a coinky-dink, young feller, the missus and I just screwed the pooch, too. And the dunkey. And the b'ar."

"My name's Brigham Young and these are my wives. We've come to complain about the rapid and deep decline in prophets. And your spelling."

"When you say 'I'm firing your ass,' can you be more specific?"

"We're not very sophisticated people, Mr. Jonhson, but we built this company over three generations using nothing but hard work and industry. It was great to finally hire a professional manager such as yourself so we could take our first vacation in 30 years. Two weeks in Des Moines was very invigorating, but we're also glad to be back. So tell us, how is business doing?"

"A promise is a promise, Mr Langstaff. I suggest you try and loosen your jaw up a little. And Betty dear, would you mind fluffing the donkey's dick?"

"Don't want to take up your time, young man. Just wanted to say 'Thanks' for bringin' back Leno."

"So this is the new conference room table we're supposed to be excited about?"

[That Leno brilliance was brought to by "Kathy H". That's "Kathy H, for all your Anti-Caption needs.]

"You needed a 'visual aid' to tell you that? No wonder there ain't no profits. You ain't seen a baby, squirrel, raccoon and porkypine hereabouts, have ye? The varmints have off and disappeared."

We're the new management. Someone threw in "Palm Technologies" at the cattle auction this morning.

"Wanna feel better? Do the smart thing. Y'know, Elizabeth Smart - that thing we took from its bedroom?"

Why is this table so big?

"I'm sorry, sir, but I have to repossess your cattlemen -- you know the cowherds here are on lien."

It's Jethro and Ellie May. And no, the years have not been kind.

By dingies you were right, Woman. You can smell a badly formatted graph from nine hunnert miles away.

kthxbai

"You're fired, Higgins. We're bringing in a new jackass to run the company."

We heard Manure Corp. wasn't doing so well so we're here to make a donation.

I guess you're wondering why we all came here today.

"I found that donkey with the Beatles haircut you were looking for. Hee haw wants you so bad."

"The wolf is at the door. Also two hillbillies and a donkey."

"Someone told me you needed Edward Tufty's help -- well, that's m' donkey, Edward Tufty. What can he do you fer?"

"We're dropping your marketing firm. `Ass Enter' was a bad idea for a company name, even if we do fuck donkeys. We're going with `Accenture' instead."

"While the GAAP numbers are troubling, they don't tell the whole story. Barring one-time executive transition and restructuring costs, your EBITDA profile shows a business that is poised for growth. Assuming you can execute a plan for driving operating efficiencies and hit your Q3 2011 forward revenue expectations and P/E numbers, this chart will look like a mere speed bump by FY 2013."

"Well what did you expect? You've got no fucking Y-axis."

"Face it, son, the dream is over. Now come on home and help me milk yer Ma—she's about ready to burst."

"Fuel cell energy, that crazy idea! How's revenue growth?"

"Time to return to an agrarian economy, I reckon."

Har-REE! Har-REE!! Har-REE!!!

"Just flip it upside down and quit yer damn whining!"

"That thar's whacha git fer pickin' Kansas over Northern Ioway in yer fancy brackets. No matter, it's Kentucky all the way!"

"What'dya expect? You let them pro athletes smoke the weed and get mellow and of course they're going to throw less tantrums. Fewer fits means lower ratings, dagnabbit."

"Well I'll be a monkey's taint, that graph's approaching what we country folk call a 'mother-fucking asymptote'."

"Some of the shareholders are wondering if they can shit on the floor."

"We want our money now, and kiss my ass while you're at it."

"Back away, city slicker! People die from lightnin' strikes like that there."

"Hey Buck-O, we just bought your intellectual property in a fire sale conducted by your senior secured creditor; wipe away your tears, and get the fuck out of here."

"That's what happens when you wait too long to judge last week's contest."

"What in tarnation are you looking at? Is that that stuff they call 'paper'? Tell me you're not wearing a Hefty Bag."

"You idiot... The gold is in 'Those There Hills'"

"At this rate, Prof. Its will never get tenure."

"Wanna get high?"

Hey al in la. I think he's dead.

"Howdy, I'm al in la and this is my wife, my mule and my dog. This week we'll all be judging the caption contest."

"And if ya want sa'more di-pressin' news visit my blog to see last week's unofficial results. (and would it kill ya to leave a freakin comment?)"

No Muni Bonds? We expected you to buy.

"Tarnation! The profits have sure dropped off since Granma replaced Ellie Mae in the donkey show."

Land o' Goshen, look at that graph! No wonder Harry high-tailed it outta town.

The profits here are lean.

Holy donkey dung, mama. Profits is saggin' more'n your flesh melons.

"Yeah, yeah, so the company's in the shitter... but get a load of the phallic probosces on my critters."

"Thar ain't no creative accountin' that kin cover up this mess. Now put that in mama's corn cob pipe and smoke it."

"No, Mr. Icahn, we expect you to buy! The Old Lady calls it 'Countercyclical.'"

"No, Mr. Kerkorian, we expect you to fry... the burro and the wolf. The Old Lady calls it 'Lunchmeat.'"

"Here's that mule you wanted. But I still don't git the part about the coke you wanted delivered to yer I-Banker friends."

"Well it's obvious it's obvious it's all because you got such a tiny head."

"I thank ahm speakin' on behalf of all of us when I say thatch yer a loser."

"Well, the way I see it, if you didn't start so goddamned high, you wouldn't end up so goddamned low."

"I'd say your problem is declining profits."

"The Outlook isn't good. But we did use it to book this conference room, so scram."

"Hey, mister, they's any work aroun' here?"

"Son, we told you you'd never amount to anything. Now come on home with yer own kind."

"The donkey and the coyote say that ya might wanna create a shitload of non-voting preferred shares, issue one big ass debenture and then split for the Caymans."

"Pardon me, son, could you tell us where we might find the menswear and animal feed department?"

this place has been knocked on it's ass ever since al in la has been judging the captions. Speaking of asses.

"Which one of us is your varmint?"

"Okay, I brought the accounting department. What did you want to talk about?"

"St. Francis, we're worried about our profits."

I guess we was wonderin' why Harry hasn't called in today.

"This is a big fucking deal!" [please note: this is the 2010 all-purpose anti-caption]

"As a CEO or as a judge of anything, you deserve a big fat hairy "F", Ron"

"What are you so down about? It's a piecewise function over that domain. It even passes the vertical line test."

"I think all it needs is one of them purple Viagry pills."

Fiduciary! You crazy bastard! How the hell are you not indicted?

I reckon we oughtta cut taxes on the well-to-do and start us a couple a' wars. Oh, we already did?

"What we need is more sex. Sell the sexy. How do you expect old people to buy ridiculously expensive life insurance plans without making it sexy?"

*Zen caption*

"Ma, Pa, Captain Booger, our profits have dropped 80%? What are we going to do?"

"The bass swims under the dead tree."

"Your little foray into city life didn't work out, huh, son? Never forget, Tom, we Joads are a hearty lot. We are the people that live."

"Pardon me, are you almost done with the conference room? We have it booked."

"Hi, Steve. As soon as we all get settled, you can tell me and the Board of Directors how right I was that there was a market niche in this economy for Okie-style clothing."

"Did someone in here order a jug band to play a plaintive, Depression-era folk tune about downward class mobility?"

"Well Mr. Insurance-Company-Bigshot, I reckon now you know what it's like to be Teabagged--and by that I mean the act of a black man placing his big-hairy-progressive democrate balls in ya' pasty-faced-conservative-cock-suckin' mouth."

The comments here are obscene.

It looks like we're about ready to do a public stock offering.

"I told you to use a logarithmic scale on the y-axis, but you didn't listen to me."

"...y'all order a quorum?"

"That picture-thingy reminds me of the angle of my man-gristle when granny tapes up her boobs and tries to seduce me by pole dancing.

You suck.

"That's it? A dollar for four quarters?"

"Who the fuck broke my profit sign? I underlined it nine times."

"I thought you said nose enlargements was the next big thing!"

The company only this week reached the point where cost-saving measures must be implemented? My God, man! In an economic climate like this your efforts are akin to a bonefide management miracle! Stand up! Wipe the frown from your face! Take my mule, my dog! Spend a night with my wife! Come back tomorrow fresh and rested, and together we'll start working to turn this company around!

"I told you, son, you should have stuck with animal husbandry."

"Hey! Your company rented me a boat to go up Shit Creek, and you didn't give me no paddles!"

"Are you ready to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior now?!?"

"Well, Mr. Radosh, sir, as 'Sarah Supporters for Daniel Radosh' perhaps we can shed some light. Firstly, Mr. Stephen Baldwin is good people..."

We're heading back to the Ozarks. C'mon Granny.

We'd like to talk to you about refinancin' our mortgage.

I'm back from "Undercover Boss." I take it there were no problems while I was gone?

News of the decline were largely over-shadowed by a phallus.

"Yeah. No. Micheal, I love it. I get it. 'The Big Short'. Going back to 'Moneyball', would my character say something like, 'Welcome to Moneyball. The first rule of Moneyball is that there is no Moneyball'?"

"The name's Gibbon. Theodore Grant Gibbon, no relation, and we'd like to cast four Anti-Caption votes for..."

Maybe if we changed the name of our act to "The Aristocrats"...

HILLBILLY: "'Cuse me. Is the the Professional Relief Organization For Indigent Trans-Sexuals?"

MAN AT TABLE: "No, this is Pious Republicans Offering Idiotically Trite Solutions."

Well, yer half right thar, fella... these may be end times, but Prophets are lookin' up -- not down.

Now, how hard kin life be when you got a double-wide to go home to?

Thar's a way outta this mess. Take what's left in cash flow and put it all on the Mountaineers in Indy-napolis.

Quitchyer whinin'. The way I see it, you still got two-thards of the fiscal year left.

"Name's Zebediah. Can't help much with yer business troubles. But I notice yer table ain't done being polished. The old lady and the pets are always willin' to apply a li'l elbow grease."

"I'd offer ya some moonshine for yer troubles, but the gawd-damn wolf-dog just snorted the last jug."

"Ahr yew the feller who ordered fried baloney takeout?"

"I beg your pardon? Hillbillies?!? No, we're from Blackstone."

"You think you've got it bad? We're just the latest in a long line of redneck caricatures created for the sole purpose of making New Yorker readers feel culturally superior."

"I don't wanna hear any excuses, buddy... the S&P 500 is up 100% since its low of a year ago."

"If this were a Hollywood ending, you'd come back with us to our holler and rediscover the joys of the simple life. But it's not... your Lexxus keys, please."

"We're here with your 1930's style bailout."

"Eliza! Hey, I'm talking to you! You're supposed to be at the Passover Seder."

"Motion to make last week's unofficial results official approved. Now we've gotta run—7:00 rez at Dorsia. Oh yeah, and fix that profit shit or I'll cut off your head with a chainsaw."

Let's use images of these critters' penis-shaped faces to increase sales to the under-18 demographic.

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