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March 15, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #232

Harry Effron

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

———Last week's results. ———Rules and tips.



"These parties don't really get interesting until the fucking starts."

"Must be the whine speaking."

"Who said newspapers were dead?"

"The table manners here are obscene."

"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! What else goes with chianti?"

"They're not hungry yet. Must be daylight savings time."

"I'd comment about your not having a mouth, but that'd be a cliche. That happens every once in a while, every time 'Dd' renders a cartoon. So I guess I'll go back to reading my book. Oh, you don't seem to have anything to do. Well, you could hum yourself a little... oops."

"Get a life."

"If you're restless, you could try picking your nose."

"You may not like my earrings, but I don't like your dinner guests. Too self-occupied."

———Do you cum here often, or are you just adjusting your napkin?———

"I'm attracted to men who ignore me so fuck off!"

"If I wanted to talk to someone, I would have brought a cellphone. Now fuck off."

"These board meetings got a lot better once we just stopped giving a fuck."

"Don't look now but I think the guy next to me listening to 'My Sharona' on repeat is Lenin. I said don't look!"

"The Cahors here is obscene."

"I don't know. Why are any of us here? Who can say? We've been mulling it over for years. The best we came up with is it's probably good to look busy."

Meanwhile, at the weekly meeting for the Department of Semiotics and Abortion: "Jesus is coming, look busy!"

[Just call me Sean Delonas!]

Look over there. Outside the frame. Kinda makes you want an iPad, huh?

I give up: what solitary pursuit are you engaged in? . . . EWWWW !!!

Just between us, I'm getting burned out on South By Southwest. I mean, look at these douchebags . . .

Well, this is the New Yorker, after all. I only invite white people to my soirees -- although I suspect the bald guy over there might be Armenian.

Al, you really fucked up the last round of judging. That's why we're ignoring you.

If it weren't for the wireless handset, and the cordless headphones, and the mini-laptop, you'd think we were in Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?


Oh yeah, and we'd need a black guy.

"This is MY 50th birthday party Mr Massa, and there will be no tickling until I say so."

This place isn't so bad. It IS the only 3-star abortion clinic listed in Zagat's.

"How do you do. My name is Ms. Evloret and I've recently lost a lot of weight...and height."

Come on, Greed. Give Wrath his white rooks back, before he goes postal on us. Then you can do me, because being an attractive woman, of course I'm Lust.

"That's no excuse for why you can't lick me out once in a while."

"And tell me, Mr. Anderson, what good is a glass of wine if you are unable to drink?"

My withered left arm isn't strong enough to stroke your balls so feel free to get started.

This is Time-wasters Anonymous. Kill or Be Killed is down the hall.

Two glasses? Aren't you special.

Bring your own.

"It's amazing how the MTA is always crying poverty, yet can still come through with the WOW! factor on this D train."

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dine."

"My hand has just a couple of digits, do you mind?"

"My opponent, Bobby Fisher here, hasn't made a move in years. I fear he may be dead. I will check when I finish this book."

"I don't get this book. You can't be `precious' and weigh more than a Subaru."

"It's titled The Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives. You're number four."

"Christ, not another pawn to queen 4 opening!"

"Quit looking at me, you asshole"

"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your head is a clip-on."

"Why, yes, I am reading Senator Dodd's new bill, the Restoring American Financial Stability Act of 2010, and I have just one word for it: Fascinating!"

What did you expect from a bunch of pompous oeniphiles?

Why don't you take out your cell phone and try to mingle?

I don't give a shit that Drew Dernavich invited you.
You're not getting any double D action out of me this week either.

What the fuck did you expect at a Republican caucus on health care reform?

What the fuck did you expect at a Republican caucus on health care reform?

"Sorry, this is the only book I brought but I have a vibrator and half a hit of E that you're welcome to."

"Don't kid yourself; nothing's changed. It's not like macrame, whittling, scrimshaw, and nitting were so social. And undoubtedly all your ancestors were blind douchebags."

"It's not my fault you forgot your Kindle, Matthew. Now please stop masturbating under the table."

"These breakfast club reunions suck."

"Did you here that my boyfriend is playing in The Masters?"

[Oops. "...hear..."]

"Forget your empty pop bottle, night in the box. Got to clean your plate, or go back in the box"

"Keep still. It takes a long time for this much ink to dry."

I know you hate these affairs, but please try to be a self-absorbed asshole for my sake.

"Only the guy who isn't rowing has time to rock the boat."

Psst... is that guy still trying to play chess with me?

You're an outgoing, considerate prick.

"What I'd like to know is who the fuck does a cartoon in woodcut?"

"Everybody's got their little diversions and pseudofreedoms that prevent them from realizing the Man is fuckin 'em. Drink, smoke - call it "freedom" - drug yourself, recycle, watch TMZ. Ramrod a Codex, but don't take my Ipod"

"Salinger? Salinger's full of shit. Ayn Rand, baby....Ayn Rand!"

Can you believe the eyebrows on this dude next to me?

No, Mr. Bond, I expectorate wine.

"I'm up here."

"First time on the Acela I take it?"

"Hence, horrible shadow!
Unreal mockery, hence!"

"Look, just tune out, turn off, and go fuck yourself"

"You seem a little more like a line-dancing, Hokey-Pokey type. Nobody wants you here."

Don McElroy? Never heard of him. Do you know who Thomas Jefferson was?

Did you know this textbook from Texas teaches you how to stick your head up your own ass? It even has diagrams.

"Did you say something?"

"I'm sorry?"

"For what?"


"Mam, your arm is lumpy."

"Hehe. squeaky chair."

"When I give the signal I'm going to kick these two in the balls, slit this girl's throat with a broken glass. You throw your book at chess boy, and put headphones man to sleep with a reverse chokehold."

"It's The Bible Cure for Candida and Yeast Infections. I haven't had much success with it, as you can probably smell."

"Guilty. Not-guilty. Whatever. Just let me finish my wine before we go back."

"You're left-handed? Let's switch chairs."

"Would you mind playing chess with Elvis Costello while I go look for a better cartoon?"

"Just think of the irony. Someone in the real world is sitting alone in their little box staring at a computer screen trying to make fun of OUR isolation."

[whispering] "To your left———man, woman, or man who looks like an old lesbian?"

Keep it in your pants. The tournament bracket, I mean. Christ, what a low-brow.

"You should've thought of that before you helped gentrify the neighborhood."

"Excuse me, do you have a bookmark you can spare?"

Write some of your lame anti-caps.

I know they're a bunch of dicks. Bear with me for one more hour and I'll fuck your brains out tonight.

"God, Harry, why can't you be a joiner?"

"I guess you're wondering why I called you all here today."

"No, Fusilli, I expect you to die. I mean fucking die."

"It takes a real skeeze to hit on chicks at the library."

I got Nebraska a huge Medicare
exemption. How about you?

If anyone asks, we're considering mortgage loan modification requests this morning.

"Everyone's preoccupied with something. You're obviously obsessed with my tits."

"Sorry I took your tampon. I mean napkin."

"Welcome to what used to be 'The Hump'...a sushi restaurant for the adventurous... But, they closed when it was found they served whale meat... Why are we here? Once you had Shamu you can't go back to REAL Moo!"

"I wish there were black people here to see this..."

"Barry, we really shouldn't meet here like this. My husbands are getting suspicious!"

We're mostly a bunch of misfits who are uncomfortable in social settings. Besides, we all have our five captions in and there's little to do but wait.

"Are you sure you want to lick my clitoris?"

Don't lick.
Lick later.

"To Serve Man. It's a cookbook. And soylent green is people. Any other questions?"

"You won't like the menu. It has only men."

"It——s a Jew thing. You wouldn——t understand."

I have some toy cars in my purse you can play with.

"Yes, very observant, Mr. Bond; everything is black or white."

"You don't have to be a dick to sit at this table but it doesn't hurt."

"Welcome to the Nets. I think you'll find we practice as hard as we play."

"Back away, city slicker! People die from lightnin' strikes like that there."

"No Mr. Die, we expect you to bond"

So? Sure, they're totally ignoring you, but at least no one's judging you.

This is so much more fun than a Coffee shop.

What happened to the bowl of plastic fruit?

The wine isn't the only thing dry here.

Do you think anyone will notice my new earrings?

After dinner we should go throw ourselves into a meat grinder.

Why do men always ignore me?

I hope they serve free breadsticks here.

So, what do you think of my family?

Why do all these men want to know if I was eating a Tuna sandwich.

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