need more stuff?

February 1, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #227

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. (Limit 25 words per cap, five caps per person.)

anti cap 227 window washer.jpg

Rules & Tips

Caption: Can you ask the CFO to come in here with a mop, please?
Anti-Caption: "Ms. Wagner, I seem to have a nasty stomach bug....I just soiled my chair and the floor through my overalls. Can you ask the CFO to come in here with a mop, please?"-- m ham rant

No Mr. Bond, I expect him to try. The bastard is standing there like a statue.--CRC

SUPER BOWL BONUS: al in la has left a comment for every Anti-Caption submitted last week. Click here to see for yourself!


This is your 5am wake up call, Mr. Marx. Time to wake up.

Yes, this is Al. Look out my window? Why?

Hello, Spic & Span . . . I'm sorry, Mr. Span can't come to the phone right now.

The office is immaculate. You'd never guess that 30 people were jammed in here for a whole week.

When will my computer be ready?

"Security? I believe there is a corporate spy posing as a window washer outside my window."

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to squeegie my fucking windows."

"Yes, that's correct. The motto here at Squeegee Man, Inc. is 'Rudy Giuliani Can Go Fuck Himself'."

"We just wrapped the film.
I play a workman. You know - I go in - the woman's home alone - we fu ... What? The tapping? Oh - window washer."

"The hours here are clean."

"So, you want a 5'x7' painting of a businessman mowing a lawn. Sure, I can do that."

"Three letters. Beverage alternative to coffee or milk. This is a tough crossword."

"I invest a couple thou in a giant flatscreen and digital satellite and all I can get in is the window washing network."

"I invest a couple thou in a giant flatscreen and digital satellite and all I can get in is the squeegee network."

"Did you get my fax?"

"Help! Someone stole my computer!"

"I don't have a computer here. Can you google 'irony' for me?"

"There's a trash can in here that's way too big and it hasn't been emptied in a week....Yes, a smaller trash can. Thanks. Oh, the new window washer? He has a major attitude problem. Thinks he's too good for the job."

"He had experience in money laundering, so I thought he'd be good at washing windows."

"I think I'm a bit underdressed for my first day at the office."

"It's quite an elaborate setup. You see, I'm getting a blowjob beneath my desk and while that's going on, this Wall Street dude pays $2000 to pretend to wash my windows."

"Hello, ma'am. Is your fridge running? It is? Better go chase after it! Ha ha ha ha, god I love my job!"

"Yeah, he came in here, said his name was Leno, and just took over my job!"

"Wat vershun? He on me weendow. No, me. No seven. He not even finish one yet. He should restart? Jajaja! I tell eem."

"The waiter's union is protesting outside my office again. Management got smart and decided not to allocate sign budget this time."

"It's a new show on CBS. I think it's called 'Undercover Snobs.'

Operator: "Press one for English. Para Espanol marque---"(*puts phone down*).
Man: "Hey fuckface! You think you could squeegie any louder?! I'm on a conference call for Chrissake!"

"...And he's got a really mean look on his face. Perhaps he has the diarrhea."

"This would never happen in real life but at least I get my beautiful mug in the New Yorker."

"Officer, you don't understand. Bill Gates is outside trying to debug MY Windows."

"Hello, TempOffices 'r' Us? The desk is nice and the wastebasket is a good size, but where's the rest of the furniture? And what's the deal with the window washer?"

I'm a PC, and the Windows 7 Make It Look Like A Dispirited Junior Executive Is Cleaning The Screen From Inside utility was my idea.

Hi, Luigi? It's-a-mee, Mario. I just found out the whole world is a computer simulation. Meet me in the castle. Oops, gotta run, window washer just turned into an Agent.

———Get me those numbers now, jerkweed, or I———ll clean your wind...err..clock!———

"What's dat? Clothes make dee man? Dat's a good one. Dat's fuckeeeng heelarious!"

"Hello Sally? Carmen....the guy who use to wash windows at Bank Of America..."

Did you ever feel like someone was watching you?

May I ask why you're cancelling your subscription to Dressing the Part Magazine?

"You made my desk very shinny, thank you."

"Yes, Watson slipped some Rohypnol into my cocaine and buggered me something fierce so I had to punish the old boy...jolly good prank, though, eh what?"

If you custodians keep mocking us on casual fridays I'll see to it you have a building full of poop-plugged toilets on monday.

Wait till you see what I did with Norbert and his fancy-pants aquarium.

"Yes, this is he."

I'll tell you what I'm looking at. Pamela Anderson's tits that what.

(please draw a straight line
from man's eyes to left hand side of your screen)

I taking a break before I tackle the graffiti the Vice President put on the floor.

"No, I don't know what happened to the good judge for the alien doctor. Yeah, those captions sucked. Yes, I know, that's what anti-caption is all about. But still, throw a few funny ones in there."

"I think he's going to rescue me and we'll run out and he'll jam the squeegee in the door and we'll jump on the bus and grin."

I'm taking a break before I tackle the graffiti the Vice President put on the floor.

"He still works here, but that's what he's doing now———work."

"Taste, inc. Accounting? No they let everyone go. There's no Accounting for Taste. One of them is working for $8.50 an hour outside right now.

"Ethics, shmethics. Just cut the fucking rope like I told you to."

"Well, given those choices, I'm With Coco"

(a different treatment of the above:)

Okey-dokey, Luigi. You can take-a the blue pill and wake up back in Bowser's Castle like-a nothing happened, or you can take-a the red pill and find out how deep the green pipe really goes. Decide quick, an Agent's after me.

"Great news! A high-powered asshole of a lawyer is being given some sort of magical comeuppance, and I got his job!"

"Isn't that just like a wop consultant? Brings a T-square to a gun fight."

"I'm sorry, he's out right now...outSIDE, that is! Of the window! Washing it! Which is my job, not his! No, I don't know how it happened, it does seem sort of complicated. Can I take a message? Oh, you don't actually work in banking either, you're a sanitation worker? What a strange day this is. And yes, I'll stop repeating everything you say."

"You're great at phone sex, baby! What? Yes, I did. I think it landed on the window behind me. Thank god no one was watching."

"In Soviet Union, asshole wipes you!"

"We faked his death when we realized after crazy-gluing his head back together that all JFK was good for was washing windows. Well fuck you, too, I know it would have been funnier in '65. Maybe it should have been a Blagojevich joke. Eat me."

The contract talks are stalled, so I've taken a hostage. Oh, and send up that large-knockered bimbo from HR.

"You're at the edge of the roof? Okay, cut the cables! This bastard's going down."

One homosexual encounter in the elevator doesn't make me queer, but now he's stalking my blue collar ass.

"Jayna - it's Bob at Justice League. Listen, Zan got demoted today...I think you're gonna need to be the pail of water for awhile."

"Hello? Get me re-write."

"Yeah, it's like some kind of bizzaro world."

"The new guy? He takes forever, leaves streaks, and holds the rag like a fucking waiter."

"The window washer you sent over is doing great, but I still need someone to clean the name cheney out of my rug."

"They work cheap and they only do the jobs Mexicans aren't willing to do. And if they get sick, you just send them back across the border and it's not your problem."

"CEOs in glass spaces shouldn't get stoned."

Hello, doctor. Harry and I have been switching roles for so long we're totally fucked-up. Can you work me in today?

Beats me. This was created by an "office" themed New Yorker drag-and-drop cartoon kit.

"My camera phone got three great shots of Fernsten humping Smither's wife on top of my new desk."

As I sift through the weekly crop of Anti-Captions, I occasionally feel like a substitute teacher in front of a class of unruly 8th graders. How else to explain the blatant and persistent disregard for the few rules we have to govern our humble little contest? CLASS PLEASE! Keep the captions brief and enter no more than five Anti-Captions each week.

"Yes, you've reached AI-fucking-G. He's in a suit because he makes $6 million dollars a year."

"Honey, I just can't talk now. I have six 5-inch high stacks of paper on my desk, 250 emails in my inbox, and the entire Accounting team is in my office....OK, I love you, too."

[Suit thinking] "I never imagined white slavery would be like this..."

"He's upset because he's having to show me how to do my job properly. I know; I'll be better next time. Thanks, mom."

"Mr. MBA is learning the hard way about how we have too many college grads and not nearly enough skilled tradesman. Supply and demand, bitch!"

"Putting-acid-in-your-boss's-coffee-day is my favorite day ever! He's so scared. The best part is this is a ground floor office!"

"Eez Rados de vinda vasha. I got Radosh vashing vindows ha ha. Vat else ve make him do for @radosh.net?"

Now I'm supposed to say "Fusqueegi, you crazy bastard...How the hell are you?" but I have no idea what the fuck any of this means.

"Idiot was so sure Favre was going to be in the Super Bowl. Who dat? Favre. Brett Favre."

"Fuck the middle class."

"Yezzzz Ma'am, I can assure you upper mangement is very aware of the brake and accelerator problems on your Toyota."

"I sold my soul to the Devil for this job. Guess that guy dealt with Jesus Christ, ha ha ha!"

Facsimile machine, you crazy bastard. How the hell are you running this place with a facsimile machine?

"I can't talk now, I'm too busy rejudging caption contests!"

This is your sixth proposal, and as it is too long I can't be bothered. I'm busy breaking in the new guy.

No Mr. Bond, I expect him to try. The bastard is standing there like a statue.

I just fluffed in his chair.

This is Raoul in accounting. I don't give a rat's ass whose son-in-law he his, my fucking windows are still streaked.

"Yes, this is Harry. I'll be your judge this week. But why do I get the feeling that someone is looking over my shoulder?"

Please send me something to write with.

"Brad no longer doesn't work here anymore."


"Is that so? The last guy we hired also was_________. How soon can you start?"

1) an english major
2) a newspaper reporter
3) a real estate agent
4) a key player in the Bush administration

"Luigi, Winchler and Winchler. Can I help you?"

"Yes this is Fetishes Unlimited... No, I'm sorry, our windows are fully booked this week, but for $500 I could let you wash a really mud-splattered Toyota with a very sticky gas pedal."

"So, Mr CEO bets me a job swap that the Colts will romp over the Saints...bing, bang boom, I'm ordering deli and jerking off to his wife's picture!"

"Reflective glass must suck. Not only do you have to wash windows all day; you have to watch yourself washing windows all day. I'm horny."

"Hello, Mr. Baxter's office! Sorry, he can't come to the phone right now. May I take a message and have him call you when he gets back?...Will do, thanks!"

Little known fact. In the early days of the first Bush administration, Al Gore was given a token position.

"Because his girlfriend pressed her naked tits against the glass, that's why."

The rest of them were dead when I opened the trailer door.

"Because I just do the opposite of what Cramer says"

What else can I have him do, Ms. Palin? He's a fucking retard.

"You know that movie 'Trading Places'? I'm living it! But now when Jamie Lee Curtis takes her top off, her tits hit the floor."

"Can you switch out this pretentious photo-realistic bullshit painting behind me for the 'Dogs Playing Poker'?"

" OK Mr. Mankoff, I'll sit for this one. But there better be some bare tits in next week's cartoon."

"Hello, is this Aim to Please? I need a sniper to be across the street at 2PM sharp. Yes, that's right, a sharp shooter. Then at 3PM, I need a hooker. Okay, if the sniper doubles as a hooker, she can come early, but only if I let her."

"Diane... please take a quick memo... Ahem.."No soup for you!"

"Mom...It's Luigi! I kicked Mario's ass playing today! He's gotta do my chores!"

"Hey...a bet's a bet!"

"I like the office but the hyper-real 'window-washer art' needs to go. How about one of those 'poker playing dog posters?"

"In Russia shit happens... Okay, not funny... but shit really DO happen!"

Caption: Can you ask the CFO to come in here with a mop, please?

Anti-Caption: "Ms. Wagner, I seem to have a nasty stomach bug....I just soiled my chair and the floor through my overalls. Can you ask the CFO to come in here with a mop, please?"

(Sorry LV... didn't know you posted the 'dogs playing poker' joke first... Gee... I was working today and typed my captions as soon as I got home!)

(No prob, Johnny V. Great minds.......)

"Toyotas "R" Us..."

Yes,I have your application. You appear to be underqualified for the janitorial job, however, there is an opening in management that might suit you.

The E.D. meds worked doctor, but I've got a raging priapism, and I can't hide behind this desk all day.

"...Switcheroo Temps, this is Stewart."

"Your back or my back?"

"I'm going to see if he has a mini-bar."

"I was right: being blue-collar does kick ass."

"Sell all our holdings and put everything into Executive Squeegee Workers."

"No, not THAT Jesus. This one can't fly, but he's very clean."

"...but now it looks I'm getting hemroids too."

"The only difference is that in my dream he had bigger tits."

"Affirmative Action does work!"

"I told him the Saints would win by 2 touchdowns, and he bet me his job they wouldn't. What the hell do I do now?"

I'm telling you Danny, I'll be more like Harry, I promise. Don't send me back out there...I'm afraid of heights. I swear I won't pontificate anymore...It's just that I'm in between jobs and I NEED TO EDIT...THE ANTI-CAP NEEDS ME!!! Please Dan, don't shut me out. Ask Cavanaugh...I STILL GOT IT!!! They are NOT under my skin. I'M PUBLISHED GODDAMN IT!!! What do you mean it was just obscure bullshit?!?! YOU THINK THESE ASSHOLES ARE LITERATE...FUNNY?!?! Every fuckin week: "No Mr. Bond." "How the hell are you Fussili?" NO WONDER YOU HAVE TO TWITTER NOW YOU FRIGGIN LOSER!!!! I wouldn't line my birdcage with the rags you've written for. Oh, what am I saying? I"m sorry, Danny. Really... I love Brooklyn, SERIOUSLY....AHHHH...I FUCKING HATE FUCKING L.A.!!!

Mr. Henry Wellington, investment banker, no longer exists. I will be handling your portfolio from now.

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2