The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #226
Harry EffronSubmit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
———Last week's results. ———Rules and tips.
Note: I will not be enforcing the 25 word limit, but if your caption is excessively long, I may just not read it. 5 entries per person.
First Place:
"Here's the shopping list...I'm late for work. Gimme a kiss -- And GET YOUR BARE ASS OFF THE COUNTER TOP -- we cook food there! Jeez..." -- m hartman
Second Place:
"Here's that sample of the wall color you asked for...oh and you have cancer" -- The shark
Third Place:
"Doof deeef ffeexxil plexil booot glepglop feemie" -- Those Fuckers
Honorable Mention:
"You have a benign tumor on your occipital lobe. We're planning a non-invasive laser procedure that will shrink the tumor and return your eyes to normal." -- Beth
"Your transgender process is almost complete, Pat. however, since most of your chart is gone, remind me which direction we're going again." -- LV
"Take me to your litre of urine." -- Rob
"I cheated on my MCATs" -- Gretchen
"Now Mr. Jones, if you could just get down from the table and put on your pants, we can get started with your dental checkup." -- Snooki N. Tish
"I understand it seems a bit odd for census-taking, but may I please have a sample of your stool?" -- Tim H
"What the fuck is wrong with your face??" -- johnnyo
The "I'm a regular here, see!?!" award:
"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to have a stye."
"The homo sapiens here are not what they seem."
"Facsimile, you crazy bastard. How are you?" --NAMBY
Comments
Mee velly solly mister, I not undastand what is "anal plobe"?
Posted by: Walt | January 25, 2010 9:44 AM
Our blood types are compatible, so I will indeed be taking your remaining arm to replace my missing one.
Posted by: Rose Fox | January 25, 2010 10:12 AM
Hemorrhoids.
Posted by: Rose Fox | January 25, 2010 10:13 AM
"With this kind of infection, it's hard to believe you only had an encounter of the second kind."
Posted by: Richard H | January 25, 2010 10:20 AM
"Thank god there aren't any humans here to see this, right Eyestalk Fourfingers?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 25, 2010 10:21 AM
"What makes you think you have a right to universal healthcare?"
Posted by: Richard H | January 25, 2010 10:22 AM
"Something about sneaking into Canada for health care."
Posted by: Mike Mariano | January 25, 2010 10:24 AM
Yes, I did Michael Jackson's plastic surgery.
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 25, 2010 10:34 AM
"Bend over, and show me your area 51."
Posted by: Beth | January 25, 2010 10:39 AM
"I'm sorry, the surgery failed. We are unable to make you look normal. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder...freak."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Eye_of_the_Beholder
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 25, 2010 10:42 AM
"Fusili, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you? According to your chart, not so good. Want a second opinion? Okay, you're ugly, too!"
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 25, 2010 10:44 AM
"I have your diagnosis here, but as it's excessively long, I decided not to read it."
Posted by: Richard H | January 25, 2010 10:45 AM
*Close Encounters music* "Yooouve GOT CAAAH-nnnn-suuuuuuuuuuurrrr..."
Posted by: Damon | January 25, 2010 11:00 AM
After "Close Encounters" wrapped I could not for the life of me, find work, so I went to medical school.
Posted by: boneguy | January 25, 2010 11:00 AM
I know this isn't funny and a bit of a reach but when I am done with you, you'll have tits like Pamela Anderson.
Posted by: boneguy | January 25, 2010 11:02 AM
I wear this mask to avoid frightening my patients as I bear a striking resemblance to Sorrel Booke. TV's "Boss Hogg."
Posted by: LK | January 25, 2010 11:03 AM
"Mr. Gregory, in order to test for cystitis in the UTI, I'll need permission for a gastric series examination with simultaneous paraxial shift objects in a glucose medium. Alienhostbodysayswhat."
"What?"
"Very well. Shall we begin?"
Posted by: Damon | January 25, 2010 11:10 AM
Dude, your eyes are even weirder looking than mine.
Posted by: Michael L. | January 25, 2010 11:11 AM
Relax, we'll reattach it and you'll never know the difference.
Posted by: Chip | January 25, 2010 12:09 PM
"Actually, I don't think a prostate exam is necessary at your age."
Posted by: Francis | January 25, 2010 12:45 PM
———I lost my left arm in the war of the worlds.———
Posted by: Rob | January 25, 2010 12:49 PM
Colonoscopy? Where I come from we call it a close encounter of the turd kind.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | January 25, 2010 1:06 PM
"I understand it seems a bit odd for census-taking, but may I please have a sample of your stool?"
Posted by: Tim H | January 25, 2010 1:07 PM
"'P.C. Vey?' All you're going to say after seeing my bill is 'Oy vey!'"
Posted by: Kathy H | January 25, 2010 1:10 PM
Geez, your eyes are popping out of your head like you're looking at an alien or something.
Posted by: Vicki S | January 25, 2010 1:11 PM
———To err is human, to stick long needles into human navels is humanoid."
Posted by: dwilk | January 25, 2010 1:32 PM
Welcome to our lab in LA. I just may not examine your penis if it is excessively long.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | January 25, 2010 1:50 PM
I've always wanted to poke around Uranus.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | January 25, 2010 2:12 PM
"Tattoo, beretta, necktie? What the fuck are you talking about?"
Posted by: Rob | January 25, 2010 2:30 PM
"I'm not actually a doctor, I'm just here to suck the eyeballs out of your head using thought control."
Posted by: Richard H | January 25, 2010 2:37 PM
———University of Mars at Long Beach.———
Posted by: dwilk | January 25, 2010 3:12 PM
"And to think, back on my home planet they called me 'veterinarian'."
Posted by: Kiki | January 25, 2010 6:52 PM
"excessively long." (ha ha made you read it)
Posted by: Ghost of JD | January 25, 2010 6:56 PM
"Did you bring the cole slaw?"
Posted by: Greg | January 25, 2010 7:22 PM
"What the fuck is wrong with your face??"
"Why, yes, of course I'm Jewish."
Posted by: johnnyo | January 25, 2010 8:43 PM
"No, I'm a nurse. There's a freakin' glass ceiling in the medical profession."
Posted by: Dex | January 25, 2010 10:41 PM
Don't worry. Even though I have an Alien head, I am still a legit doctor and CVS will honor this prescription.
Posted by: Joe Boginski | January 25, 2010 10:57 PM
"No, I am not Japanese, Chinese, or Korean. And stop calling me Doctor Slanty Eyes."
Posted by: Urpred | January 25, 2010 11:39 PM
"This is 'a lien' on your house. It's 2 words. It doesn't say alien, you idiot."
Posted by: Manolo | January 25, 2010 11:41 PM
"Do you lack even a rudimentary understanding of aspect and proportion? Do you have the artistic skills of a five-year-old? Well, here at the P.C. Vey School of Cartooning, we can get you started on your new career."
Posted by: NAMBY | January 26, 2010 2:52 AM
My tee time is in half an hour, so I'm going to make this quick.
Posted by: Optimus Sub-Prime | January 26, 2010 3:48 AM
Your EXOPHTHALMOS is incurable. But at least you can always find work in the cartoons of P.C. Vey, Leo Cullum and others.
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | January 26, 2010 3:50 AM
The alien mask? Right after this I'm heading to a FLASHMOB at the TKTS booth.
Posted by: Heywood Jablomi | January 26, 2010 3:53 AM
Mr. Jones? Oh, the Pamela Anderson calendar, you like it, huh?
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | January 26, 2010 3:55 AM
You should've been referred to an E N T . . .
Posted by: Peter Haskett | January 26, 2010 4:01 AM
The worse news is I've been trying to get ahold of you for a week now . . .
Posted by: Optimus Sub-Prime | January 26, 2010 4:04 AM
Mr. Smith, when I assured you that you'd be able to play the piano after the operation, I assumed that you already possessed this skill.
Posted by: Nathan Thurm | January 26, 2010 4:09 AM
The good news? Oh, my receptionist, the blonde? I'm fucking her.
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | January 26, 2010 4:15 AM
Now Mr. Jones, if you could just get down from the table and put on your pants, we can get started with your dental checkup.
Posted by: Snooki N. Tish | January 26, 2010 4:18 AM
Apart from the hallucinations though, you're not experiencing any other side effects?
Posted by: Steve Reeves | January 26, 2010 4:23 AM
I try to avoid discussing politics with my patients, but since you asked, I voted for Kodos.
Posted by: Mendoza | January 26, 2010 4:31 AM
"My previous patients? HIPAA prevents from saying Michael Jackson was a regular."
Posted by: David | January 26, 2010 8:13 AM
"I assure you that despite my hunched back I am a licensed chiropractor."
Posted by: 0bs01337 | January 26, 2010 1:41 PM
"Well, this is a first down here at the morgue. Take this for the rectal damage- I was required to do an extensive, ah, probing."
"I love our new island countertop, too, Brad. But sitting on it in your cute little A-line just isn't hygienic. Go get this disinfectant to clean up."
"Here's a referral for a penile reduction, which you'll need to pull off that dress."
"Your transgender process is almost complete, Pat. However, since most of your chart is gone, remind me which direction we're going again."
Posted by: LV | January 26, 2010 2:51 PM
"No, Mr. Cartman, I expect you to writhe."
Posted by: Kyle | January 26, 2010 3:26 PM
"I'm shaking because I'm excited, Mr. Effron! The tests suggest your body contains something extraordinary: the key to the secret of life for your race, and mine! I have no idea how this is possible, but all the answers are right here, in this document...
...actually, it's kind of lengthy. I may just not read it."
Posted by: Damon | January 26, 2010 4:22 PM
"At night, I listen with my stethoscope as I make my 'heart' stop for minutes on end. Oh, yeah, and did you see that the Mega Millions jackpot is $121,000,000 tonight?"
Posted by: Kathy H | January 26, 2010 4:27 PM
I hope you enjoyed the saucer ride. Now for your part of the deal - a deep probe of INNER space.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | January 26, 2010 4:30 PM
"I have one question. Are you in touch with your Inner Alien?"
Posted by: Tim H | January 26, 2010 4:32 PM
"I dunno how things work on planet Earth but, where I'm from, that orifice is meant primarily for exits, not entries. I suggest you limit them to five per week."
Posted by: Damon | January 26, 2010 4:33 PM
You've certainly become creative with the doctor-shopping, Mr. Limbaugh. And how much Oxy will we be needing today?
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | January 26, 2010 4:34 PM
We reproduce asexually on Zandar, so I'll be taking your genetailia for scientific study.
Posted by: CRC | January 26, 2010 4:38 PM
Remember to discontinue if your erection lasts longer than 4 billion light-years.
Posted by: CRC | January 26, 2010 4:40 PM
"No no no. You said 'rape, experiments, and death'. Just to be clear, it'll be experiments, THEN rape, then death."
Posted by: Rich Lather | January 26, 2010 5:39 PM
"I cheated on my MCATs"
Posted by: Gretchen | January 26, 2010 5:44 PM
"No, actually I'm not, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night."
Posted by: MJ | January 26, 2010 5:49 PM
"No Mr. Bond, I expect you have a stye."
"The homo sapiens here are not what they seem."
"Facsimile, you crazy bastard. How are you?"
Posted by: NAMBY | January 26, 2010 6:58 PM
Now that I've slipped this Trojan Magnum onto my head,
we can move on to your lower G.I. Sorry, but I'm out of the ribbed.
Posted by: CRC | January 26, 2010 7:17 PM
(cellphone beeps) "I need to phone home."
Posted by: Dex | January 26, 2010 8:47 PM
"Take me to your litre of urine."
Posted by: Rob | January 26, 2010 9:48 PM
Yes, it's a standard physical. We'll anal probe, anal probe, anal probe, check your blood pressure, anal probe, and finally, anal probe.
Posted by: Capt Clown | January 27, 2010 1:40 AM
"You've got AIDS."*
* Translated from the original Esperanto.
Posted by: mypalmike | January 27, 2010 2:24 AM
Srog's rather mundane life as a doctor left him wondering whether he had misunderstood the instructions he was given for taking over the world. Ironically, his patient, Steve, had similar questions about his own life.
Posted by: mypalmike | January 27, 2010 2:42 AM
"Great news! A clean bill of health! Bad news, due to the radiation that I emit, you'll be dead by tomorrow."
Posted by: Rich Lather | January 27, 2010 1:09 PM
Kenny Rodgers' plastic surgeon did this to me. I'm suing his ass.
Posted by: CRC | January 27, 2010 1:20 PM
"Here. Take this iPad with a glass of water and call me in the morning."
Posted by: Tim H | January 27, 2010 5:08 PM
———Okay, Earthling. We need to know everything about your species. So, first things first, I———ll need an eyeball sample from both eyes.———
———Eyeball sample? That sounds painful. How do you get that?———
———I———ve got a little metal doohickey that clamps down on the cornea of your eyeballs. Then I pull big pieces of them out for testing.———
———Oh my god!———
———And I———ll need an eardrum sample from both ears.———
———Shit! How do you do that one?———
———I take what looks like a sewing needle and jam it into your eardrums. Metal prongs pop out on the other side of the eardrum, and then I pull `em out.———
———Sweet Jesus!———
———And, finally, I———ll need a penis sample.———
———Fuck no! I don———t want to know how you do that one.———
———I———m telling you anyway. We get Hayden Panettiere to make rough love to you for two hours, and then we do a swab test on her pussy.———
———Really? That...actually doesn———t sound so bad.———
———Or, it might just be me with some ass lube, doing my shape-shifting thing. Have fun guessing when you're deaf and blind."
Posted by: Damon | January 27, 2010 7:35 PM
"Ass your doctor I'm going to insist you cut back to one entry, two at most."
Posted by: Brian L | January 27, 2010 9:47 PM
"Doof deeef ffeexxil plexil pooty booot glepglop feemie"
Posted by: Those Fuckers | January 27, 2010 10:37 PM
"I'm Dr. Carville, but you can call me James."
Posted by: Sigmoid | January 27, 2010 11:43 PM
"Well, Mr. Francis, your problem is plain as black and white: you're a woman."
Posted by: Brian L | January 28, 2010 1:53 AM
"Im Dr Allan L. Alien and I am here to ruin the anti-captions with science."
Posted by: Brian L | January 28, 2010 1:55 AM
"Have you had an autopsy before, Mr. Oddeyes?"
Posted by: NJtoTX | January 28, 2010 6:40 AM
Props to Damon. I'm sure that it was, word for word, the original caption.
Posted by: Abe | January 28, 2010 10:05 AM
Sorry about the wait. Damn Mexicans took my parking spot again this morning.
Posted by: CW | January 28, 2010 2:48 PM
And of course after the decades of anal probing, passing the proctology boards was a snap
Posted by: JF | January 28, 2010 3:27 PM
"Happy Halloween. What seems to be the problem?"
Posted by: John Tabin | January 28, 2010 4:24 PM
"No, I wasn't born in America. I'm a resident alien."
Posted by: Richard H | January 28, 2010 5:36 PM
"For what it's worth, I'm with Coco."
Posted by: Tim H | January 28, 2010 6:48 PM
"Would it be inappropriate of me to tell you that your eyes, your eyes, look like delectable little cocktail franks, and I am starving, starving, for your love?
Posted by: Jurgen | January 28, 2010 7:30 PM
———Who is Michael Jackson?"
Posted by: Headlights | January 28, 2010 9:42 PM
"You have a benign tumor on your occipital lobe. We're planning a non-invasive laser procedure that will shrink the tumor and return your eyes to normal."
Posted by: Beth | January 28, 2010 10:46 PM
I assure you that "Fantastic Voyage" was just a movie. You need antibiotics to treat your chlamydia.
Posted by: m hartman | January 29, 2010 12:47 AM
"No, just because we both have no necks and grotesquely sloped shoulders, it does not mean that we share the same ancestry."
Posted by: Loius | January 29, 2010 12:11 PM
"Oh, thanks. It's a Jerry Garcia. Brooks Brothers. Did you have any trouble finding us?"
Posted by: Searcy | January 29, 2010 3:56 PM
You have a week to live, Mr. Streiber.
Posted by: Jim/The Velvet Blog | January 29, 2010 5:05 PM
For the last time, Mr. Mulder, I don't know anything about your goddamned sister.
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | January 29, 2010 5:18 PM
——?
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | January 29, 2010 5:51 PM
Look, Mr. Jones, we need you to stop inserting objects into your rectum--they're interfering with the anal probe.
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | January 29, 2010 8:36 PM
The side effects include hair loss, skeletal mutation, and an erection that can last more than 4 galactic hours.
Posted by: m hartman | January 29, 2010 8:50 PM
The side effects include hair loss, skeletal mutation, and an erection that can last more than 4 galactic hours.
Posted by: m hartman | January 29, 2010 8:50 PM
With a face like this I can't get laid, and jacking off with three fingers is problematic.
Posted by: CRC | January 29, 2010 11:07 PM
No, it's Dr. Bond, and I expect you to co-pay.
Posted by: m hartman | January 30, 2010 1:57 AM
Here you go. And in case you were wondering, I went to medical school in Czechoslovakia. That's right...I'm DOCTOR Rados...and you can tell your friend I said that he can kiss my squatting ass in Prague Castle before I'll let him wheedle @radosh away from me...)
Posted by: nam trahm | January 30, 2010 2:07 AM
"Side effects my include a loss of pants and feelings of alienation."
Posted by: NAMBY | January 30, 2010 6:12 AM
"I know! If I hear 'Why the long face?' one more time, I'm going to vaporize somebody."
Posted by: Kanamit | January 30, 2010 9:51 AM
"I swore an oath to serve man.... Oh, this? It's a cookbook."
Posted by: Kanamit | January 30, 2010 9:53 AM
The anti-cappers are obsessing about anal probes, but I assure you I only want a small semen sample and one of your nuts.
Posted by: Rocko | January 30, 2010 3:53 PM
"The first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth."
Posted by: Holden | January 30, 2010 4:06 PM
What an asshole! I mean, anal sphincter.
Posted by: Theophylact | January 30, 2010 4:28 PM
(mumbling to himself) "Four fingered freak!"
"Oh yes... one of the creatures from the Milky Way... 3rd planet from the yellow sun, right?!.. the one with the big moon? So, is it still for sale?"
"I guess I am feeling a buzz, too."
"You either got Aids or Alzheimers. If you make it home without any trouble don't have sex."
Take two Zoolox and call me in the Kreetah"
Posted by: Johnny V | January 30, 2010 5:17 PM
"Good news. You don't have a cataract, you have Rincoln Town Car."
Posted by: RV | January 31, 2010 8:31 AM
Here's the shopping list...I'm late for work. Gimme a kiss -- And GET YOUR BARE ASS OFF THE COUNTER TOP -- we cook food there! Jeez...
Posted by: m hartman | January 31, 2010 11:44 AM
"And final question...would you describe your body type as lean, normal, or succulent?"
Posted by: Steve_O | January 31, 2010 1:07 PM
My finger might not glow but it can give you one hell of a prostate exam.
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | January 31, 2010 1:32 PM
"I was hit by a drunk driver and I had a choice. I could either look like Jaqueline Saburido or I could look like this."
Posted by: Walter | January 31, 2010 1:39 PM
"Green cards? We ain't got no green cards. We don't need no green cards! I don't have to show you any stinkin' green cards!"
Posted by: Goldie | January 31, 2010 2:48 PM
When we're done, you won't remember being here anyway.
Posted by: Austin D | January 31, 2010 4:41 PM
We couldn't save the hamster. I'm sorry.
Posted by: Austin D | January 31, 2010 4:43 PM
Stop staring.
Posted by: Austin D | January 31, 2010 4:45 PM
Because malpractice insurance cost too much at home.
Posted by: Austin D | January 31, 2010 4:46 PM
"Since it's been five years, I'd like to do another anal probe."
Posted by: Dave | January 31, 2010 4:46 PM
"Since it's been five years, I'd like to do another anal probe."
Posted by: Dave | January 31, 2010 4:48 PM
...and you are... Mr. Vey? Sorry, I didn't recognize you from this angle.
Posted by: Austin D | January 31, 2010 4:51 PM
Don't worry, the blood dripping from your eye is perfectly normal--it will stop after the larva erupts.
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | January 31, 2010 5:27 PM
"Daddy was a traveling man."
Posted by: M | January 31, 2010 6:15 PM
"It's my usual Halloween getup. Who are you supposed to be? A P.C. Vey character?"
Posted by: Michael S. | January 31, 2010 10:18 PM
Here's that sample of the wall color you asked for...oh and you have cancer
Posted by: The shark | February 1, 2010 2:09 AM
"You're surprised by a death panel run by a space alien? Well, the Republicans did try to warn you: this was all specified in the healthcare bill. Now, just lie down and relax."
Posted by: mypalmike | February 1, 2010 2:25 AM
I'll be taking over your regular doctor's patients for a while; he's involved in an experiment.
Posted by: stcoleridge | February 22, 2010 1:49 PM