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January 4, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #223

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon

anticap 223.jpg

"Because they Need Another Seven Astronauts really fast...THAT'S why!" -- dwilk

"No Mr. Bond. I Expect you to dry." --NAMBY

"It's a Westinghouse, so I'm westing. Not the others, though. They've been hacked to death by some maniac."--Steve_O

For additional Honorable Mentions, Judge's Comments on all of the winners AND other jokes relating to the 1986 Challenger disaster go here.


"No Mr.Bond, I expect you to dry."

"Oh, God, help us, please!

"Sure, it's hot. But it's a dry heat."

"Hey, can you spare a quarter?"

"Christ! Is this a metaphor or something? What lesson are we supposed to be learning? Just don't forget to add fabric softener to me."

"All the machines are in use. Please fuck off."

"I'm sorry, this is the prostitute laundromat. You want the wash-n-fold on the next block. Now get outta here before T-Bone comes back and 'puts you to good use.'"

"Skank-Away——— keeps my private parts their freshest!"

You idiot, there are four signs that clearly say,
"| | | |

(I assume there's another sign, out of frame)

"Loud noises!"

"This is not what I expected when they mentioned Death Panels."

"Hey, chill out, dearie. Some day you will meet Mr. Clean."

[It's obvious this establishment is located in "LA," an overt nod to al in....]

"Close the door, please."

"It's all well and good for you to put us freedom-loving middle-class Americans in the dryers but it does nothing to mitigate the effects of your genocidal policies in Gaza."

"Incoming! Starboard side!"

"PAMELA! PAMELA! Can you hear me? Get out of that banner ad and come wash your dirty boy!"

"And the top loaders make great toilets."

"I hope you're haunted by the faces of your Tide with Febreze Freshness 2X Ultra Concentrated Detergent victims."

"Authorities on Sunday were trying to pinpoint the cause of death for three children an investigator says were found decomposing inside the washer and dryer of their apartment, hours after a woman was accused of killing their pregnant mother and her fetus."

It is an honor to visit Japanese 4-star hotel.

I make up for the loss of capacity by thrashing violently, resulting in a cleaner clean.

"This machine eats quarters! And cock!"

"Whites only!"

"Worst CAT scan ever."

"Why does that sock on the floor have a gun in it?"

"Can't you read the sign on the wall? Whites ONLY!"

Damn, What Ever beat me.

"Mom, stop! You're about to wash away your seven deadly sons"

"Don't trust your laundry to the Snuggle Bear, lady. He gave me genital fuzzies."

Don't take this the wrong way but this machine is for whites only.

Could you cut down on the bleach? My hair's getting brittle.

"In Russia, front-loading washing machines clean you...well, there are no front-loading washing machines."

When I was a kid, I wanted in the worse way to ride in Captain Nemo's submarine. Whoda thunk that 30 years later, that a recession would give me that chance?

Christ, what a wash hole.

Geez, lady, stop peeing on the floor!

"The towels here are quite clean."

"No, Mr. Bond, I suspect you use lye."

"Ha Ha, my door doesn't have a child-lock, and let me tell you, I'll never let you wash me without one. Do you hear me? NEVER!"

"OK, you win! My grandpa worked for Whirlpool, and, yes, he used to rape me."

"It's a Westinghouse, so I'm westing. Not the others, though. They've been hacked to death by some maniac."

"Man, Jigsaw is just getting lazier with each sequel."

"For Chrissakes, lady, we're filming Jackass 4!"

Febreze, you crazy bastard! How are you?

Hey! Fuck you, lady! I'm IN HERE!

"The New Yorker would have 'This is the best Manhattan apartment I could afford' coming out of my mouth, but the truth is that I can't come any other way."

"That sweater makes your ass look huge."

"Lady, you ever notice how much bleach smells like semen?"

Now now kids, how many times did I tell you not to play in the laundry room? You just don't listen! Get out, I have cloths to wash you idiots!

Get your private invite to online private sales here:

"We just came out in the wash! We're gay!"

We're from the brothel next door. We come here after each customer since
these machines only handle a single load.

"We don't want to live in a world where your comic genius remains a promise unfulfilled, Dana Carvey."

Ferris Wheeler's Day Off.

"I once fucked Elvis."

"The Jane Hotel was full."

"What? Were you born in a barn?"

"I am not in a dryer. I'm on TV!"

"We were going to drink the kool-aid, but then we thought this would be a more whimsical method of mass suicide."

"Dammit. Ziegler drew the door too big. Again!"

"Everyone hide! alinla has come to bastardize another anti-caption contest!"

"Mommy Kate, if you and Daddy John get back together, will you have time to do our laundry and baths separately?"

"Just a little more bleach, 6 more hours on ETHNIC CLEANSE and I come out a shiksa."

"Hey everybody, I'm now a clean cock-sucker, and my glory hole has re-opened for business"

"One more dryer cycle and I become a 33rd degree Knight of the Order of the Immaculate Davey Concepcion".

"I'm sure glad there are no black people here to see this!"

"It's getting harder and harder to find these old Coney Island rides."

"Halelujah, Jesus! I'm literally born again!"

"It *is* indeed a portal to another dimension; but conveniently they also do a good job on tough stains there."

What's it gonna be? The blue pill or the red pill?

"Excuse me. If you hand me a wrench, I should be able to get this washing machine running again. Thank you."

"Don't worry guys, it's square Peg."

"911 happened exactly as the Bush administration told us it did."

I've found it to be a singularly unsatisfying
experience, and now you come along and tell me I'm supposed to sit on TOP of it?

Yeah, it's a motherfucker, but they made the women in the last two cartoons go topless.

Damn, lady. Don't spread your legs until you've douched.

"Kill . . . me . . . please."

"When my wife asked me to attend spin class with her who knew it would cost me 25 cents."

"I just want Amana."

Have you seen the finalists for the New Yorker Caption Contest week #221? Those dip shits don't even know the difference between a bass and a cello. Well I say fuck them. I prefer the Anti-Caption contest anyway. At least when those guys are wrong, it's intentional.

"Hey lady, for one dollar I'll load your front end. For two dollars, I'll throw in a towel. For three dollars, I'll clean your clock. For four dollars, I'll turn your rags to riches. For five dollars, I'll shut the fuck up."

"Actually, it's not that Samuel Beckett is overrated, it's that he's rarely performed well. Like Jean Genet."

"Can I borrow some detergent?"

"High efficiency washer? I hardly even know 'er!"

"In Soviet Russia, clothes wash you!"

It's official: FLASHMOBS are totally played out . .

Woke up in my clothes again this morning.
Don't know exactly where I am.
I should heed my doctor's warning.
And stop listening to that lame-ass Sting shit.

"This is only going to make us more clingy."

"When I said I'd audition for the m hartman Players, I had not idea...."

"Pick me! Pick me!"

"I wash you long time, Laundry Ho. I know ancient Chinese secret."

"OUT, DAMN SPOT!! No, really. My dog is in here with me. Now, scram!"

"Sorry, but I'm just too tired and full to eat any more sloughed-off skin, suck out any more skidmarks, or pluck errant pubes from your undergarments. Please wait for another machine."

"Fetal compli, no?"

"Are the Mexicans done with the dryers yet?"

"Why are we in a washer? And more importantly, why do we all look like citizens of Whoville?"

"Hey lady. Can you hit spin cycle again? I'm so high right now."

"What? You mean laundering money means you don't have to go to a laundromat and physically get in the washer with all of the money in your pockets and be washed? Ah shit."

"Now that I've come clean, can you hand me a towel lady?"

"To be perfectly candid, I'll never come dry."

NOTE: Any Anti-Caption that is excessively, ridiculously or stupidly long will be deleted! (Yeah, J.D., that means you!)

"That one would have been funnier if you hadn't deleted what it was addressing. But the unintended irony still amuses."

"Mom... Have you ever had that not-so-fresh feeling?"

"This is The New Yorker. Show us your tits!"

"Now read the 4th line while feeling that you have pairs for all your socks."

"I'm angoraphobic. They're just pervs."

[NOTE: Apropos of nothing, but an anagram for ANTI-CAP POLICE is CIAO, CAT NIPPLE. Thank you for your time.]

"At least she won't nickel and dime us."

"Because they Need Another Seven Astronauts really fast...THAT'S why!"

"Open the pod bay doors, HAL ... hey, you're not HAL! Is this where I become a star baby?"

"Sorry, but the rules say you can only fill five washers. And, we know your IP address."

"It's ok, I'm a fully qualified spinster."

"The Israeli government's Palestinian ethnic cleansing policy is infallible. If you see it as apartheid/genocide you are Hitler. Kind of like if you see Obama's indefinite "prolonged detention" of the unconvictable policy as totalitarian tyranny obfuscated by verbose sophistry you are KKK, or, at the very least, not funny. Obama = Bush + fuckability."

"'Life's Good' my ass, you LG sons of bitches"

"The reversed letters in the window really put the 'AL' in 'LA,' if you see what I mean."

"This isn't what I meant when I said I was strictly a 'front-loader.'"

"Could you keep it down? Some of us are having the first night's sleep we've had since they shut down the homeless shelter!"

"No matter how many times you wash those bloodstained clothes, you'll never remove our cursed ghosts from your conscience!"

"I've heard of 'ethnic cleansing,' but this is ridiculous!"

No Tits.
No Shoes.
No Caption.

"Spare a quarter for the 'Energy Saving' cycle?"


"Do you think Floyd Mayweather will fight us now that we're truly 'clean?'"

"I don't know why they call it 'Delicates.' It's a vicious cycle."

"Remember lady, check his pockets for rubbers. If you find any unused ones, then we can fuck you."

Plunged into the horror of ethnic cleansing....or is that just the rinse cycle?

"That had better have your daughter's soiled underwear in it! And I mean Natalie's. Jenna's were gross."

[Enter the Players———winners of the coveted "Fuck the rules!" / "50th time's the charm" Award:]

———This is the menopause class, Edna———now close the door and push the button for menstrual cycle.———

———Don———t be such a prude Roberta. It takes the sting out of anal bleaching.———

———New airport rules———wanna make sure the gunpowder in my grandma panties doesn———t set off any alarms———knowhuddimean, wink wink, nudge nudge?———

———You didn———t ask me how I got it so soft, Dory. You asked me how I got rid of that nasty smell.———

———Free WIFI for a quarter. Now, Myrna, gimme a clever quip using ethnic cleansing, segregation, or some other play on laundry room words for the anti-caption contest. AND MAKE IT COUNT. I only get 5 chances from now on———Nazi judges and their rules——————

"I get turned on by almost drowning in the washing machine. It's called laundro-erotic asphyxiation. By the way, you're probably going to have to wash this load again."


"Close the door and front me a quarter; I'm on the spin cycle."

I think we find quality people. I hope you will still succeed.

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