The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #222

"Whaddya mean 'We should Scotchgard —— the furniture'?"

Posted by: Kathy H | December 28, 2009 12:12 PM

"O.K, Ahab, now what?"

Posted by: Tim H | December 28, 2009 12:12 PM

"When you get a chance, can you help me with this picture frame impaled in my head?"

Posted by: Kathy H | December 28, 2009 12:13 PM

"For your information, I take a size 6 1/2, EEEEEEEEEEEE."

Posted by: Tim H | December 28, 2009 12:13 PM

"...and he was all Hans, if you know what I mean."

Posted by: Kathy H | December 28, 2009 12:20 PM

"What do you mean my fish smells like vagina?"

Posted by: Anonymous | December 28, 2009 12:22 PM

"Clean the house yourself. I'm not a fucking maid."

Posted by: Rob | December 28, 2009 12:25 PM

"I told you--my father was an orthopedic surgeon, and my mother got away.

Posted by: dwilk | December 28, 2009 12:32 PM

"Swimming? Is that all you think about?"

Posted by: Richard H | December 28, 2009 12:39 PM

"Who was that blowfish I saw you with last night?"

Posted by: Richard H | December 28, 2009 12:41 PM

"Pisces. Why do you ask?"

Posted by: Tim H | December 28, 2009 12:42 PM

"Enough with all that mercury bullshit. If you don't like giving oral sex, just say so."

Posted by: Richard H | December 28, 2009 12:43 PM

"No, you may not join the Mile Low Club with me!"

Posted by: Kathy H | December 28, 2009 12:44 PM

"Well, you're no Tom Hanks."

Posted by: Richard H | December 28, 2009 12:44 PM

"Bastard. You haven't even noticed the new lampshade."

Posted by: Richard H | December 28, 2009 12:44 PM

"We could take turns flipping each other off."

Posted by: Rob | December 28, 2009 12:47 PM

"Did you enjoy it last night when I screamed out, `Make me feel like a woman'?"

"It was okay. I still like `Dip me, eat me, throw my tail in the garbage' better."

Posted by: Damon | December 28, 2009 12:48 PM

"I choose...truth."

"Lemme see. Here's a good one: are you hiding a gigantic cock in your tail?"

"HA HA HA!"

"HEE HEE HEE!"

"Okay, okay. Dare."

Posted by: Damon | December 28, 2009 1:46 PM

" I said, 'Dick in' not 'Dickens.'"

Posted by: dwilk | December 28, 2009 1:57 PM

Is that all I am to you -- tits and fins?

Posted by: Michael L. | December 28, 2009 2:03 PM

"Would look up from that book already, you bald, boring bastard? For god's sakes, there's bare-chested mermaid in your living room!"

Posted by: Mikey | December 28, 2009 2:06 PM

"Would look up from that book already, you bald, boring bastard? For god's sake, there's mermaid tits in your face!"

Posted by: Anonymous | December 28, 2009 2:07 PM

"Fuck you and your sweater vest. Stop being such a cheapskate, and turn up the thermostat."

Posted by: A. Jorgensen | December 28, 2009 2:10 PM

I know what you're thinking, but I can't spread my legs.

Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | December 28, 2009 2:22 PM

"If you were really straight you'd still fuck me."

Posted by: J.D. | December 28, 2009 2:23 PM

"Honey, maybe you should see a doctor. Your eyes are bigger than my tits."

Posted by: J.D. | December 28, 2009 2:24 PM

"Honey, I know 'Serving Fish' is a cookbook."

"My father was right; surf and turf marriages never work out."

"Your turn. Show me your wood."

"I know it was you and your drunken friends that put butter and lemon wedges in my tank."

"Mom was ichthyoid, wasn't she...?" "

"My uncle filet-ed me when I was a fingering."

"I need to get this off my chest too...I haven't foreborne you mer-babies because I"m a latent egglayer."

"They stuck a sign on me that said "The dermis and the drapes don't match."

Posted by: mo hartman | December 28, 2009 2:38 PM

"The whore here is piscine."

Posted by: J.D. | December 28, 2009 2:41 PM

One more (love this one...)

"I made gravy with Fusilli, that crazy bastard."

Posted by: mo hartman | December 28, 2009 2:43 PM

Can't ... breathe ...

Posted by: Charles | December 28, 2009 2:43 PM

...ok last one, I promise:

"Did you ever get high...and imagine that 'Leo Wilson' wrote his name on our floor...and created us...and all of our unfinished possessions ... because we live in some sort of weird parallel two-dimensional universe...inside of another universe with even more dimensions...which is inside another one with more...and so on...until infinity!?!?!"

Posted by: mo hartman | December 28, 2009 3:03 PM

"Whatever"

Posted by: firebus | December 28, 2009 3:12 PM

"Men can't fake orgasms, Harvey. Besides, I saw all those empty packets of sea monkeys in the trash beforehand."

Posted by: Damon | December 28, 2009 3:13 PM

"I'm sorry, Sir, but Dostoevsky is not considered sex."

Posted by: Rob | December 28, 2009 3:17 PM

"It's a tail and a vacuum cleaner that can suck a basketball through a garden hose."

Posted by: dwilk | December 28, 2009 3:42 PM

"You're going to cook my ass and serve it over fusili, you crazy bastard?"

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dive in."

Posted by: JohnnyB | December 28, 2009 3:44 PM

"They called him Flipper. Flipper, faster than lightning. No one, you see, was smarter than he. And so my mother fell in love with him. Am I boring you?"

Posted by: JohnnyB | December 28, 2009 3:46 PM

You want to order in sushi again?

I appreciate your sympathetic gesture towards the pain I felt when I had feet and every step felt like being stabbed, but you can put your leg down now.

Does this tail make me look fat?

Posted by: Rose Fox | December 28, 2009 3:53 PM

"I thought siding with Roe WAS pro-life in Roe v. Wade."

"One of your pens must have gotten in with the sheets- I did NOT have sex with that squid."

"Yes I have crabs, and I'm in love with them."

"Before Ray there was Marlin, then you, honey."

"I used to be a grouper with Phish."

Posted by: LV | December 28, 2009 4:10 PM

Want me to suck you off?

Posted by: Clambone | December 28, 2009 4:12 PM

Yeah, I'm up for it if you don't mind getting a little
slimy.

Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | December 28, 2009 4:15 PM

"Honey, don't you see? One tit in the last issue, my luscious breasts in this issue. By next week, the readers will be ready for some camel toe, and it won't be long until the readers will expect nothing less than graphic girl-on-girl lovin and hair-tearing all-nude catfights!"

Posted by: Barb | December 28, 2009 4:36 PM

"I'm drying out, Dan. You never even try to find my pussy anymore."

Posted by: Glenn | December 28, 2009 4:37 PM

"You want Ariel? Is that what you want? I saw that Little Mermaid porn on your computer, you sick bastard! Do you know what happens after you get registered as a sex offender? Are you even listening to me???"

Posted by: Phyllis | December 28, 2009 4:44 PM

"I've fallen into this chair and I can't get up."

Posted by: Louise | December 28, 2009 4:47 PM

"I found cocktail sauce on your shirt. Who is she?"

Posted by: Damon | December 28, 2009 5:30 PM

"Did you ever get high...and imagine that 'Leo CULLUM' wrote his name on our floor...and created us...and all of our unfinished possessions ... because we live in some sort of weird parallel two-dimensional universe...inside of another universe with even more dimensions...which is inside another one with more...and so on...until infinity!?!?!"

Posted by: Anal-Retentive Poster | December 28, 2009 6:10 PM

Sure, put on a sweater, turn down the heat, and stare at my nipples, you pervert.

Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | December 28, 2009 6:48 PM

"My eyes are up here.
And they look exactly like my breasts."

Posted by: JohnnyB | December 28, 2009 7:18 PM

"I smell a tabloid inside a novel wrapped around a penis."

Posted by: Rob | December 28, 2009 7:27 PM

"I'll never forget the first time I saw whale nipples."

Posted by: J.D. | December 28, 2009 8:42 PM

What do you mean you can't find the clitoris? We need to get a new icthyology textbook.

Posted by: Kiki | December 28, 2009 9:39 PM

Douche? Why should I douche?

Posted by: Lorrne Gates | December 28, 2009 9:41 PM

When I said I wanted surf and turf, I expected something a bit different.

Posted by: Lorrne Gates | December 28, 2009 9:44 PM

So I used to think the guy drawing me was a dirty old man, but I'm beginning to believe all the anti-captioners are, too. Even Kathy H is a 62 year old man who beats off to these things.

Posted by: watts | December 28, 2009 10:07 PM

"I suppose you're wondering what an egg-layer needs with nipples?"

Posted by: David | December 28, 2009 10:17 PM

"I can't figure out where my asshole is."

Posted by: David | December 28, 2009 10:19 PM

"Do you think it's dry in in here?"

Posted by: David | December 28, 2009 10:20 PM

"I'm sorry that I ate the baby, but you were the one who forget to put him in into the safety net. "

Posted by: David | December 28, 2009 10:25 PM

Why don't you stop hiding your boner with that book and just ask me to spawn with you?

Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | December 28, 2009 10:37 PM

"You want ANOTHER blow job?"

Posted by: Steve_O | December 28, 2009 10:50 PM

"And to think, yesterday we were two strangers -- a performer in a freak show and a mermaid."

Posted by: Joshua | December 28, 2009 10:52 PM

"Amputation is considered elective surgery. Unless I get diabetes!"

Posted by: Shirley | December 28, 2009 11:19 PM

"I can't decide which is more terminally unhip, Williamsburg or the Upper West Side."

Posted by: J.D. | December 29, 2009 3:27 AM

In every other way I'm perfectly normal, except my menses looks and smells like Mott's Clamato——. Actually that's pretty normal too come to think of it.

Posted by: J.D. | December 29, 2009 3:47 AM

"Honey, you used to love it when I gave you that koi look."

Posted by: Jeanne | December 29, 2009 8:14 AM

"I'm sorry, Bill. I tried, I really did. But this relationship just doesn't have legs."

Posted by: gary | December 29, 2009 8:23 AM

"Throw me back."

Posted by: gary | December 29, 2009 8:23 AM

""You know, Bob, I'd leave you if I could."

Posted by: Dave | December 29, 2009 9:58 AM

"No, I can't get you the remote, you mean s.o.b.!"

Posted by: Dave | December 29, 2009 9:59 AM

"I'm a mammal, Ted, not a fucking fish! Mammary glands, see? I swear you're an idiot sometimes."

Posted by: Julia | December 29, 2009 10:57 AM

"Look, in the end Alyosha becomes the hero existentially because he succeeds at deceiving himself and therefore doesn't deteriorate like his three brothers who have to resort to masturbation. Now fuck me. "

Posted by: dwilk | December 29, 2009 11:11 AM

"Look, in the end Alyosha becomes the hero existentially because he succeeds at deceiving himself and therefore doesn't deteriorate like his three brothers who have to resort to masturbation. Now fuck me. "

Posted by: dwilk | December 29, 2009 11:12 AM

"This is just great. Neither one of us can get up."

Posted by: Rob | December 29, 2009 1:12 PM

"What? Fuck the open sea. I stayed offshore a resort. That's where the money is, honey."

Posted by: Grant | December 29, 2009 4:51 PM

I'd love a cock tail before
dinner

Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | December 29, 2009 5:19 PM

"Honey, this year Iresolve to finally forgive Josef Mengele for forcing my grandma to have sex with a goldfish"

Posted by: Rich Lather | December 29, 2009 6:28 PM

"Well, I'm no Mandy-Ray."

Posted by: R.C. | December 29, 2009 9:23 PM

"My advise? Either day dream about your daughter's friend OR your fishing trip last summer...not both."

Posted by: al in la | December 29, 2009 11:14 PM

"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to dive."

Posted by: NAMBY | December 30, 2009 5:51 AM

"My tits are up here, pervert."

Posted by: TG Gibbon | December 30, 2009 6:09 AM

"I'd die for some krill, Gil - you know I married you because you had that name. But how would I eliminate the waste products?

Posted by: Urrhea | December 30, 2009 6:40 AM

"Every time I pass by that statue of Hans Christian Andersen in Central Park I can't help but think of the gooey nut dribbling out of his mouth, freshly squirted from the thick Danish penis of his young, hung ballet dancer boyfriend."

Posted by: J.D. | December 30, 2009 7:32 AM

"In mermaids, reproduction is much like that of dolphins. The reproductive organs of both the male and female are akin to the dolphin and whale, and mermaid babies are born live (as opposed to hatched from eggs). But how do I fuck?"

Posted by: Loretta | December 30, 2009 8:42 AM

"So, you can read. I like that in a man."

Posted by: dwilk | December 30, 2009 11:24 AM

He's a corporate recruiter, and he's trying to find an opening.

Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | December 30, 2009 11:44 AM

"I feel like you're scaling me with your eyes."

Posted by: Joshua | December 30, 2009 12:17 PM

"Honey, the sight of you gets me so wet that I went all mermaid again.

Posted by: Sarah | December 30, 2009 1:41 PM

"Take me to the river, drop me in the water
Take me to the river, dip me in the water
Washing me down, washing me down..."

Posted by: Graham | December 30, 2009 1:42 PM

"If we have mother for dinner, do you want her poached, pan-fried or broiled?"

Posted by: Dave | December 30, 2009 2:36 PM

"...oh, yeah, Bono called and he's all on board for MERM AID 2010."

Posted by: Kathy H | December 30, 2009 4:15 PM

"Go Fish!"

Posted by: Tim H | December 30, 2009 4:19 PM

The doctor called. It's not ich. It's herpes type 2, and you more than likely have it too."

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 4:38 PM

"I may be only half human, but even I continue to mourn the wholesale slaughter of babies and their civilian parents in Gaza. I wonder at the depraved indifference -- or worse -- of some people to Israel's US-funded apartheid/genocide of the Palestinian people, and wonder how they can dismiss someone as 'uninformed' or 'deeply troubled' simply because their natural human empathy brings them to agree in this matter with Amnesty International, Richard Goldstone, Noam Chomsky, Norman Finklestein, Eric Alterman, Tony Judt, Howard Zinn, Roger Cohen, Michelle Goldberg, Adam Horowitz, Philip Weiss, Leon Wieseltier, Michael Walzer, Medea Benjamin, Naomi Klein, Rabbi Brant Rosen, Brit Tzedek v'Shalom, Ta'anit Tzedek, Jewish Voice for Peace, American Jews for a Just Peace, Ezra Klein, Matt Yglesias, Spencer Ackerman, Dana Goldstein, Hannah Schwarzschild, Alexander van Leer, Jane Fonda, Viggo Mortensen, Danny Glover, Julie Christie, Eve Ensler, Desmond Tutu, Jimmy Carter, Miguel d'Escoto Brockmann, Brian Baird, Keith Ellison, Rush Holt, Donna Edwards, Sir Gerald Kaufman, and countless others. Perhaps I am mistaken, and it is not depraved indifference that prevents people from speaking out against Israel's US-funded crimes against humanity, but instead hypocrisy and careerism. AIPAC is ruthless and has demonstrated its propensity to destroy the political and/or show business careers of any in the US who dare to suggest Israel's policies are anything but infallible. Multibillionaire Israel chauvinists like media moguls Rupert Murdoch, New York Mayor-for-Life Generalissimo Michael Bloomberg, Sumner Redstone and others take a dim view of that. Since Redstone with his Viacom empire owns most media outlets available to comedy/variety acts such as Comedy Central, MTV, BET, Showtime, Paramount, CBS, and I am an aficionado of comic genius, I wonder how the late Bill Hicks, nonpareil compulsive truth teller and screamingly funny stand-up, would have fared in today's climate."

Posted by: J.D. | December 30, 2009 5:26 PM

"Anal Ariel" was a long time ago, and it paid for the gill change operation.

He may be sweet old King Nemo to the rest of the world. But Daddy hasn't spoken to me since he saw a YouTube clip of "Barely Legal Seafood: The Wet Little Mermaid."

I had an affair in a pineapple under the sea.

You try regurgitating plankton for hundreds of ingrates that swim off and never call...

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 5:32 PM

Our "just for us" video was in the stolen camcorder. Maybe we should tell your mother about us before she sees us on YouTube....

Disney can kiss my green scaly ass if they think i'm gonna play Ariel in Branson.

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 5:35 PM

You think you're genetically superior, Mr. Dildo Nose? *

*Thie beat out "Mr. Male Pattern Baldness" by a pubic hair...

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 5:41 PM

Where I come from, "Fudgy the Whale" has a whole different meaning...

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 5:46 PM

"...GRAMMAR AID ... POLYMER MADE ... BERM AID ... Argh .I'm soooo close...I KNOW I can win some kind of contest if come up with a clever play on the word MERMAID."

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 6:19 PM

I'm a lesbian, Melvin. Deal with it.

Cancer, Shmancer. When my hair grows back, Myron, I can lose the wig. And they look so real, you can't even tell I had a double-mastectomy!

At least I have ONE opposable thumb, Hershel.

Would you rather I had a dorsal fin and a vagina, Stanley?

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 6:37 PM

So you REALLY thjnk that peeing in a porcelain bowl and flushing it into the same water you end up drinking is MORE civilized?

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 6:42 PM

I hate swimming...But love having swam.

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 6:48 PM

"If you'd rather read than fool around, Harold, I hope you enjoy the part when Santiago catches the marlin and ties it to the boat, but it gets eaten by sharks before he gets back to shore. I used to LOVE when my father read that to me before tucking me in to my sea anemone for the night..."

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 7:08 PM

The East River is faster because of less traffic...PLUS you have the view of the new Stadium. But if you don't mind the PCB dredging and the smell from the occasional decomposing body, NOTHING compares to the Hudson when the Striped Bass are running..."

Posted by: m leibenstern | December 30, 2009 7:24 PM

Let's see same sex marriage and medicinal marijuana here, Simon, before we hold out any hope for mermaid rights.

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 7:35 PM

"My hovercraft is full of eels. Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?"

Posted by: Anasztaizia | December 30, 2009 7:52 PM

I think you're a pussy, Seymour... reading "Going Rogue" with a fake cover so people on the subway won't know...

You and your auction rate securities and hedge funds. I wish you never jumped off that Staten Island Ferry and kissed me, transforming me into a land-maid, Marvin.

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 7:58 PM

Yes, Aaron, some of us do have tight asses and great legs ... if you don't mind finlets instead of breasts and the face of a moray eel.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized that they were laughing at the long string of fecal matter hanging from my anus.

I refuse to spend another New Year's Eve drinking like a fish.

Holy Mackerel, what did I just say? WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?

Of course I'm rooting for the Jets, Leonard. Why would you ASSUME that I'm a Dolphins fan?

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 8:33 PM

For a support group they're pretty judgemental, is all I'm saying. EXOPHTHALMOS is freaky to look at too.

Posted by: Anonymous | December 30, 2009 8:49 PM

"Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,and o-old la-ang syne . . ."

Posted by: Deborah | December 30, 2009 9:06 PM

"I caught you trolling porn sites and lying about your profile on the Internet...And you caught me lying on a bed of kelp with a trolling net. I would hardly call that even, Steven."

"You call it Seafood Pasta Fra Diavalo. I call it Genocide on Fusilli, you crazy, sadistic, mother-fucking monster, bastard."

Yeah, well, not only does Bumble Bee blow away Chicken of the Sea. Ask any tuna YOU happen to see...a "Blumpkin of the Sea" is no big deal. What you people do on land is just plain disgusting.

I no longer fit into sea shells. I need a different sized cup because of the breast augmentation surgery.

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 10:02 PM

He arched my back and pleasured my crack...that Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 10:23 PM

You're the first pirate I ever met that wished for "Domestic Bliss." Maybe for the last two, you ought to play it safe with a barrel o'gold doubloons and nailing me till I squeal like a pigfish.

Posted by: m hartman | December 30, 2009 10:26 PM

Yes, I know you're vegan, but isn't eating me *out* different?

Posted by: Ali L. | December 30, 2009 11:30 PM

"I'd rather play 'Heidi' instead of 'Das Boot.'"

Posted by: mike | December 31, 2009 1:20 AM

The doctor with the shadow puppets said it's supposed to smell like fish.

Posted by: mike | December 31, 2009 1:21 AM

"In my blowhole?"

Posted by: mike | December 31, 2009 1:23 AM

"I'm not a mermaid. I'm a drawing of a mermaid."

Posted by: mike | December 31, 2009 1:27 AM

"Fear of mercury poisoning is a ridiculous rationalization, Jeremy."

Posted by: mike | December 31, 2009 1:30 AM

"You fucked Michael Phelps, didn't you!"

Posted by: Elizabeth | December 31, 2009 7:58 AM

Willard deeply regretted leaving his Mermaid RealDoll——— and glue gun where his 14-year-old son could find them.

Posted by: Rose Fox | December 31, 2009 9:04 AM

"I'm not fully human, am I?"

"I'm tired of your flippant tales."

"I told you the genie would fuck with us. Sure, he gave me perfect tits, but now I have a water-tight vagina."

Posted by: MAtt | December 31, 2009 11:58 AM

[Take a bow, Melvin, Myron, Hershel, Stanley, Harold, Simon, Seymour, Marvin, Aaron, Leonard and Steven! Ladies and gentleman, give it up for The m hartman Players !]

Posted by: Tim H | December 31, 2009 12:14 PM

"So how many more pages do you have left to read?"

Posted by: Iris | December 31, 2009 3:31 PM

So, why are you seeing a therapist?

Posted by: Capt. Ahab | December 31, 2009 3:45 PM

"So, this is it? This is how we spend New Year's Eve?!"

Posted by: Kathy H | December 31, 2009 5:12 PM

"What happened to us, Melvin? Apart from me becoming a mermaid and you becoming district manager."

Posted by: Francis | December 31, 2009 5:15 PM

It's not a coffee table. It's my little wading pool with a book, magazine and bowl of fruit floating on top.

Posted by: ECB | December 31, 2009 5:19 PM

Having four eyes is the least of my problems!

Posted by: bdbd | December 31, 2009 6:22 PM

"I may be only half human but blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah in today's climate."

Posted by: Rob | December 31, 2009 10:12 PM

"Entries for this drawing, by Leo Cullum, will be accepted through Sunday, January 3rd."

Posted by: Yorkie | January 1, 2010 8:37 AM

"I don't like that sailboat painting anymore. It brings back bad memories of that guy's fish hook in my mouth."

Posted by: Denise | January 1, 2010 8:39 AM

Are there any nightcrawlers in the fridge?

Posted by: TE | January 1, 2010 7:09 PM

Remember when you told your friends you were going to master bait and they all thought you meant "jerk off"?

Posted by: TE | January 1, 2010 7:11 PM

[With best wishes to Tim H and all for a Happy New Year...]

"I'm sorry, Kanye, but Beyonc—— is NOT the best catch in fishnet stockings of all time!"

Posted by: m hartman | January 1, 2010 8:26 PM

I'm scared, Morris...cats keep following me when I walk past Fulton Street

Abe, why did that blind man in the dark alley say 'Hello Lady' to me?

I'm tired of living in a goldfish bowl, Sheldon

It's called 'Downward Facing Flounder,' Manny, and maybe it will help?

Posted by: m hartman | January 1, 2010 8:37 PM

Momma always told me to wear clean underwear in case I get gaffed in the lip and dragged on board a trawler.

Posted by: m hartman | January 1, 2010 8:41 PM

[Dedicated to Bell Bialys, Brooklyn NY:]

"The key, Murray, is slicing it paper-thin."

That's how I like my men, Izzy: Firm, tender and with sliced onions and capers.

Mordy, any yutz knows the difference between "sable" the antelope and "sable" the smoked cod fish appetizer.

Yes, Leo, I would mind if you smoke salmon.

It's the sephardics that like butter and salt, Riffy. My family is always served with cream cheese.

[And so on...]

Posted by: m hartman | January 1, 2010 8:58 PM

It's easy for you to say, Sy, you're not the one with barnacles stuck to your ass...

This neighborhood used to be nice ... until all the crustaceans started moving in.

The plural of "larva" is "larvae" not "larvas," Fusilli you ignorant bastard.

We NEED to talk about it, Zalman...We haven't spawned since spring. Do you find my species unattractive? Or is it just me?

Posted by: m hartman | January 1, 2010 9:07 PM

"O, Columbia, the gem of the ocean, the home of the brave and the free.. C'mon you're not singing!"

Posted by: Ethyl | January 1, 2010 10:19 PM

"Teach me how to cross my legs like that. Wait, oh shit."

Posted by: Virginia | January 1, 2010 10:22 PM

"No, I don't have herpes. But I DO have scale rot and that parasite that eats your tongue."

Posted by: Steve_O | January 2, 2010 9:53 AM

"Why don't we ever go to my folks for Christmas?"
"We tried that last year, remember? Both kids drowned."

Posted by: Steve_O | January 2, 2010 9:54 AM

Has the special wheelchair come from Amazon yet? I thing I'm getting scale sores.

Posted by: boneguy_97 | January 2, 2010 11:04 AM

"Why do we never have sex? You're hung like a goldfish. That's why."

Posted by: Anonymous | January 2, 2010 12:11 PM

"I don't know if I'm more upset that you slept with my sister or that you sauteed her in butter afterwards."

Posted by: Steve_O | January 2, 2010 12:58 PM

You seem quite calm, Artie. What if EMS CAN'T get the rest of the costume off and restore circulation to my legs without taking me to the St. Vincent's...like the time the double dong broke in me?

Posted by: m hartman | January 2, 2010 2:31 PM

By the way, you need to get me back before high tide ends, or your dick falls off...

I know Aquaman, and you are no Aquaman.

I didn't say "I want to be Neptune." I said "I want a PRENUPTIAL."

Posted by: m hartman | January 2, 2010 2:46 PM

How would you like it, Gabe, if I ripped out your gastro-intestinal system and called it "deveining?"

Heshy, please, can we try Arizona or California this winter? I'm sick of all the rude New Yorkers that flock to the Gulfstream.

Would it kill you, Jake, to give me something bright and shiny that isn't attached to a hook and 200 pound test?

I've seen filets with more backbone than you, Irving.

It happened at Sheepshead Bay, and it was a very long time ago, Louie.

Whatever, Ronnie. I can always join a freak show. But you're a douchebag lawyer for life.

Posted by: m hartman | January 2, 2010 2:59 PM

"My tits are down there."

Posted by: djack | January 2, 2010 5:51 PM

"Oh my God! We're not going to have time to go to Costco, Trader Joe's, and Fairway."

Posted by: Rita | January 2, 2010 7:07 PM

Why don't you see me as half angelic water nymph, Mitchell, instead of half 'bitchy bane of my existence, you pessimist?

Posted by: m hartman | January 2, 2010 7:25 PM

Go Ahead Anton, look it up: Mark 1:17: "Come after Me, and I will make you become fishers of men." AFTER ME, Anton, you premature ejaculator.

Posted by: m hartman | January 2, 2010 7:29 PM

At least you can hide the fact that you are half Sasquatch by covering your tail and opposable thumbs on your feet with clothing and shoes. What am I supposed to do, put wheels on a bath tub and roll into work every day?

Posted by: m hartman | January 2, 2010 7:34 PM

"At least I'm a step up from your first wife. Bottom half woman, top half fish. Now THAT was a FREAK!"

Posted by: Steve_O | January 2, 2010 7:37 PM

"Don't you think I want to get into my pants, too?"

Posted by: Peaches | January 2, 2010 11:47 PM

Do you have a problem?

No, do you?

Don't answer a question with a question...What the hell are you looking at?

ToBinge.com
Get your private invite to top online Private Sales.
http://www.ToBinge.com

Posted by: ToBinge | January 3, 2010 12:48 AM

"Symbolically, of course, mermaids represent an infant's pre-sexual desire for his mother. What does it say about you that you'd marry one?"

Posted by: Vlad | January 3, 2010 9:10 AM

"Next time, I want to be the man."

Posted by: Vlad | January 3, 2010 9:12 AM

"Murray, I'm pregnant."

Posted by: Vlad | January 3, 2010 9:27 AM

"I'm tired of sneaking around on the sly, meeting you in hotel rooms... When are you going to tell your wife about us?"

Posted by: Vlad | January 3, 2010 9:30 AM

"They did say that common side effects include runny nose, dizziness and decrease in seamen."

Posted by: Portia | January 3, 2010 10:55 AM

It's happy hour somewhere, Sammy

Posted by: s hartman | January 3, 2010 12:11 PM

I'm guaranteed a Sea World audition if I can flip a grape from my fin into my mouth on the first try.

Posted by: boneguy | January 3, 2010 5:44 PM

"Do you like my scales? Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do,..."

Posted by: Mrs F. | January 3, 2010 6:48 PM

"It's Friday. Eat me."

Posted by: Gobbledegook | January 3, 2010 9:05 PM

Can you believe it's been more than twenty-five years since "Splash!"...is Daryl Hannah even still alive?

...so when I asked for some rouille with my bouillabiasse the waiter said "You're soaking in it" and played me off with that dreadful keyboard cat...

"Just one, but she gets electrocuted because she's screwing in the lightbulb underwater."

"I'm getting tired of the same old routine, Yuvie. You read, I show you my tits, and morons propose clever captions and anti-captions until some deadline passes. How about we take a stance...end it right here and now...shake things up: LET'S GO ANAL TONIGHT!!!!"

[That's it (as I slam my laptop closed) I'M OUT.]

Posted by: m hartman | January 3, 2010 10:30 PM

"Fuck the rules! This week, I'm showing my tits in the New Yorker and submitting more than 5 captions to the anti-caption contest."

Posted by: mypalmike | January 3, 2010 11:26 PM

"My last boyfriend was a reader."

Posted by: MShaw | January 3, 2010 11:37 PM

Just answer the damn phone!

Posted by: David F | January 4, 2010 12:28 AM

"So, how long have you been in Leo Cullum's fantasies?"

Posted by: Joshua | January 4, 2010 11:01 AM

"Honey? Can you give me a facial? Or are your little swimmers not up to it?"

Posted by: Gina | January 4, 2010 2:45 PM