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November 30, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #219

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

ANti cap 219.jpg

Last week's results

Rules and tips


First Place
"Of course not, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dance."--TG Gibbon

Second Place
"We're making remarkable progress on our Pianos for Little Asian Prodigies Program. What basketball did for the ghettos, pianos will do for Shanti towns everywhere"-- RL

Honorable Mentions
"I'm glad there are no white keys here to see this."-- LV

In mother Russia, piano plays you!"-- Harry

"I like my pianos like I like my men: big, black, and hard ... and scattered randomly about my salon, passively waiting for me to play them."--J.D.

"More Cowbell."-- Pandyora


Pianissimo, you crazy bastard!

"May I be the first to make an obvious joke about pianist envy?"

"What kind of piano are you interested in?"

"Look, they've hung the Rothko sideways!"

"I hate jail."

"The pianos are so badly out of tune that after a while you don't even notice the flames of hell outside."

Whaddya think of this Tiger Woods shit? Ha!

They were born from a giant media-obsessed piano with fake lips--and on a welfare paycheck, that bitch.

And this is where we store the pianos during the week.

"So, you play with my grand pianos while I play with your grandchildren."

"And this is the piano room."

Christ, what a pianola.

"Guess which one's the Steinway and you can fuck my wife. Guess wrong, and I fuck yours...again."

"I'm glad there are no white keys here to see this."

These pianos remind me of Felix the Cat. One of the best-loved cartoon characters of the 1920s, Felix was not only black. He was also very, very sticky. And that pretty much sums up the 7 pianos in this storage room as they take a well-earned summer break after just over six months in the world's biggest and toughest piano septet.

"Jesus, Stan! What the hell do you need this many pianos for?"

"And in exactly 4 minutes and 33 seconds they'll all explode, breaking the silence and killing us both."

"It's simple. I killed 'em and kept their pianos. Now, about that concerto you were going to play..."

"We're getting the band back together."

"See if you can straighten them out"

"You take out the four on the left. I'll take the three on the right."

"We kill them and they just keep coming back."

"Why would I need to get some whores? I've got all we need for seven pianists right here?"

"I'm building a Large Piano Collider."

———The Yamaha ran a red light while texting the Kawai which had been drinking and sideswiped the Schimmel that hit the Vogel which rear ended the Baldwin that was helping the Steinway with a flat tire in the breakdown lane, thus causing this seven piano pileup.———

"You think it's cluttered now? You should have seen it before we removed several additional pianos!"

"What's a Steinway?"
"About 1000 pounds."

"In mother Russia, piano plays you!"

"See, I wasn't exaggerating when I said there would be a lot of pianos."

Clarisse, your lambs are calling

———Yeah yeah yeah———Opporknockity only tunes once. I———ve heard it.———

Ugh!, and just look at those horrid sconces.

"Eight. Eight pianos. Ah ah ah.

"Of course I can lend you seven grand."

"I really like pianos."

"Oh, sorry - the tuba room must be next door."

"The pianos are trophies from people I've killed. I hide them in plain sight."


"This might sound a tiny bit gay, but pianos remind me of the night I was fucked by both Liberace and Elton John."

"No, you asshole. I said I wanted to see the Florida Keys!"

"I'll tell you one thing. It was a bitch getting them on the subway."

"Thanks for calling me. I'd never seen a piano clusterfuck before."

"These pianos are all props from The Fabulous Baker Boys. I come down here after my wife goes to bed and masturbate while sniffing the spots where Michelle Pfeiffer sat on them."

"And this is where we keep the BLACK pianos."

"With all of the music departments closing in public schools, I decided to buy as many pianos as I could because I enjoy stifling development in America's children."

Fine--roses on your pianos it is, then.

You know, some people say you can't get a decent bagel outside of New York, but I have to disagree.

If you fucking start singing that god-damn Billy Joel song again, I swear to God I will stab you in the fucking mouth.

"There was supposed to be only one piano at the dinner. Somehow, seven more managed to slip past the Secret Service."

"I said I needed ten grand to do the job. This is only eight."

"Hey Blindee, get tuning."

"Just try to ignore the elephant's worth of ivory in the room."

"The first rule of Piano Club is, you need a lot of pianos."

"They say it's a poor musician who blames his instrument, but obviously that's not true. I'm actually quite wealthy, which is why I can afford to keep buying pianos until I find one that I don't sound like crap playing."

"My seven wives made me buy them."

"Liberace died of food poisoning. He had some bad wieners. And by 'wieners' I mean penises. And by 'had' I mean he engaged in unprotected receptive anal intercourse. And by 'food poisoning' I mean AIDS-related illness."

"Oh..., you wanted a gaggle of geese? Shit."

"We're making remarkable progress on our Pianos for Little Asian Prodigies Program. What basketball did for the ghettos, pianos will do for Shanti towns everywhere"

"One for each of the children, Max, to preoccupy their time while I'm fucking that nun."

"I like my pianos like I like my men: big, black, and hard ... and scattered randomly about my salon, passively waiting for me to play them."

"You know, three years ago I lost one of my family in the ongoing US military invasion of Afghanistan. Now the latest Errand-Boy-in-Chief is sending 30,000 more to Afghanistan to slaughter or be slaughtered. The one I lost was only 21, a beautiful boy, hung to his knees, had only been fucking for three years. What a waste. I was thinking about all this while arranging the pianos, with predictable results."

You're such a dandy.

How did I pay for them? Four words: stolen kidneys, black market.

You can play for as long as you like. I only ask that you do not play any boogie woogie.

"Just try to blend in."

"I didn't complain when we went to your office Christmas party and the room was full of douchebags."

"Just look straight ahead and cross to the other side of the palace next chance you get. But make it look natural like you need to look at a Monet or something."

"Shit. I shoulda known this was Bluttner Boys turf. Whatever you do don't mention the flugelhorn recital we've just come from."

"Of course not, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dance."

"That's strange, as an Italian I'd've thought that you'd know what 'pianissimo' meant, Mr. Berlusconi."

"And this is the room where Mr. Jo-el keeps the bodies of his victims. Ha-ha, I'm kidding of course. It's just the furniture's being re-arranged for tonight's party and all the pianos ended up here for the time being and I'm a shitty butler who thinks he's more cultured than his boss. Which I am. Now if you'll follow me to the masturbatorium--I mean 'studio.'"

I'm haunted by the pianos of my victims.

This is my famous Disappearing Piano Illusion. Some insist there are eight pianos in this room, while others swear there are only seven. The trick is, by rotating the center part of the view, the parts of the pianos are rearranged, making each piano just a little bigger or smaller. Then while you're puzzling over that, I knock you unconscious and add or remove a piano.

"Piano means 'soft', so what the hell happened to you in bed last night?"

"I won them at the Pianopalooza in Ypsilanti, Michigan."

"Horowitz once quipped "there are three kinds of pianists: Jewish pianists, homosexual pianists, and bad pianists." He should know: he was a gay Jew who for a time played very badly, addicted as he was to pills and liquor after his daughter overdosed."

"I collect 'em."

This is where Billy Joel parks his pianos.

"Some silly family trivia to share....my great-grandad once ate-out Hermione Gingold on a piano bench. How cool is that?

"Get it?"

"Leno's a fag."

"And this is the baby grand nursery."

"More Cowbell."

"Never buy pianos on an empty stomach."

"As the head of the house staff you will be responsible for the piano room. They need to be dusted daily, tuned every six months, and if they start to act in an aggressive manner, feed them some Asian children. Always Asian. I fed them a black kid once and all they would play is Alicia Keys for 3 months. Feed them a white kid and they have to be put down. You get two weeks of 'chopsticks' and then all they want to do is play XBox."

"And this is how I avoid sex. With women, anyway."

"It beats a basement full of dead hookers."

they fuck like bunnies, you know.

"We always keep extras on hand when Jerry Lee Lewis is in town."

I love a piano, I love a piano
I love to hear somebody play
Upon a piano, a grand piano
It simply carries me away

I know a fine way to treat a Steinway
I love to run my fingers o'er the keys, the ivories

And with the pedal I love to meddle
When Padarewski comes this way
I'm so delighted if I'm invited
To hear that long haired genius play

So you can keep your fiddle and your bow
Give me a p-i-a-n-o, oh, oh
I love to stop right beside an upright
Or a high toned baby grand

"Thank god for auto-tune!"

" . . . and this is where piano's come to die"

"Who was it who told me 'Piano Hero' would be this season's must-buy gift? Oh yeah, it was you."

"What's a Steinway?"
"About —— 1000."

Bach: First, wash all pianos. Then wax. Wax on...
Mozart: Hey, why do I have to...?
Bach: Ah ah! Remember deal! No questions!
Mozart: Yeah, but...
Bach: Hai!
[makes circular gestures with each hand]
Mozart: Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in through nose, out the mouth. Wax on, wax off. Don't forget to breathe, very important.
[walks away, still making circular motions with hands]
Mozart: Wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off.

"Man, that's a lot of pianos!"

"The object is to lift each one out without jiggling the others."

The hardest thing about killing pianists is getting rid of the evidence!

"What's a Steinway?"
"A piano manufactured under that trademark name by Steinway & Sons."

"Welcome to the Liberace Museum. These instruments are new to the collection and about to be beautifully displayed, following routine HIV decontamination."

"Pianos? Coffins, you idiot!"

"I find it quite amazing that 20 years into the AIDS pandemic some people are still incredibly ignorant as to its modes of transmission. Speaking of morons, the following Democrats voted to defeat gay marriage in the New York state senate on Wednesday, 3 December 2009:
Shirley Huntley, NYC (Jamaica);
George Onorato, NYC (Astoria);
Hiram Monserrate, NYC (Jackson Heights);
Joseph Addabbo, Jr., NYC (Ozone Park);
Carl Kruger, NYC (Brooklyn);
Ruben Diaz, NYC (Soundview);
Darrel Aubertine, Upstate (Cape Vincent);
William Stachowski, Upstate (Hamburg).
No cogent rationale is ever given for denying gay people equal civil rights. It must be assumed that convicted fiancee-beater Hiram Monserrate and his ilk are only following the dictates of the Torah and/or Nazi law, which are in complete agreement when it comes to faggolahs."

Oops, the above should have read "... Speaking of morons, the following Democrats voted to defeat gay marriage in the New York state senate on Wednesday, 2 December 2009:"

So fuck me and the horse I rode in on ... safely of course.

Ooooooohhhhh shit. Another gaff. Should have read "I find it quite amazing that 30 years into the AIDS pandemic ..."

(Fortunately I'm deliriously good looking and phenomenal in bed.)

"But I thought you were allergic to pianos."

"So why exactly is it called the 'piano room'?"

"Sometimes after one of my children dies of a terminal illness I buy a piano to cheer myself up."

"Yeah, after we wiped all the dogshit off the walls this room really started to take shape."

"I don't want to be defined by who I am."

This is ironic because we both lost our hands in that accident. But I guess I don't have to tell you that.

"Don't you have any pianos for white people?"

"(6+1) pianos to one, (12-5) pianos to another."

"Yes sir, I do believe they're coming through the wainscoting."

"Fuck -- sure have a lot of pianos! Fuck!"

Aim for the head

"I take pride in keepin' 'em clean."

"It's a real time suck."

I'm slightly alarmed that the rooms on either side of this one appear to be filling up with black ink.

This is the worst valet parking job I have ever seen.

I guess we're the only ones who saw that the invitation said "Wear human costumes".

Victory! And with a "borrowed" joke! So hollow.

"You'd think the movers were on strike, but I'm just a packrat... a piano packrat."

"No, I don't play... I just like big things."

"I hate to break it you Jeeves, but my boss is more loaded than yours... this is a broom closet."

"That's no Rothko, you imbecile... haven't you heard of Clyfford Still?"

"When you said you were a Yamaha enthusiast, I thought you meant... oh, never mind."

"Oh, I thought they were harpsichords."

And in the next panel, watch a poor unsuspecting soul on the street get pancaked by one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, yes seven, pianos!

"Next time, ENUNCIATE when you say 'baby' grand..."

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