The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #218
Harry EffronSubmit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
———Last week's results. ———Rules and tips.
First Place:
"I hate jail." -- andy
Second Place:
"White people find jokes about the American judicial and penal system quite humorous." -- J. D.
Third Place:
"I don't fit in the bed. I haven't slept in years." -- Johnny B
Honorable Mention:
"Just let me know if you need some caulk." -- mypalmike
"Why is there a casket in here?" --David
Sucking up to the judge's ego award:
"The sexual assault and sodomy which can go on for hours here are obscene." --Steve_O
Runner up: "Yes, I, too, also prefer a bath. The showers here are obscene." --Tim H
Comments
"I much appreciate that you bathe regularly, as it makes anal intercourse with you all the more pleasant."
Posted by: J.D. | November 23, 2009 2:38 PM
"White people find jokes about the American judicial and penal system quite humorous."
Posted by: J.D. | November 23, 2009 2:46 PM
The ACLU says we can sue for this, and for there being no bedrails to keep me from falling. And for forcing us to be in this obtuse cartoon.
Posted by: LK | November 23, 2009 2:59 PM
———Let me warn you, I killed the last guy who offered me suds. Turned out it was Coors Light.———
Posted by: dwilk | November 23, 2009 3:17 PM
"Look on the bright side. With all the tears of our laid-off colleagues, I created a great salt water pool."
Posted by: Rubrick | November 23, 2009 4:35 PM
"Just let me know if you need some caulk."
Posted by: mypalmike | November 23, 2009 5:11 PM
"Yeah, loosen up that sphincter, boy. You got a long night of sodomy ahead of you."
Posted by: MAtt | November 23, 2009 5:26 PM
"It started out with petty shoplifting which led to armed robbery which led to rape and murder. Then came the twelve million dollar inheritance, which coincided with my appearance before an unsympathetic judge who taped my assets to the wall."
Posted by: Rob | November 23, 2009 5:28 PM
"Kidnapping and murder is illegal, but farting in the tub is just wrong."
Posted by: MAtt | November 23, 2009 5:29 PM
"Tell me, does the hot bath also wash away the feelings of shame, or just the semen, blood, and fecal matter?"
Posted by: MAtt | November 23, 2009 5:37 PM
"Hey, you masturbate underwater. I place my New York post inside a book. Different strokes for different folks."
Posted by: dwilk | November 23, 2009 5:54 PM
"If you hadn't dropped my Kindle in the bath, I could have read 1,000 books by now. Instead, here I am reading Going Rogue for the 1,000th fucking time."
Posted by: Richard H | November 23, 2009 6:03 PM
"Why do I like the top bunk? It keeps me from the watery fate my last 63 cellmates have suffered."
Posted by: Richard H | November 23, 2009 6:07 PM
"Yes, I, too, also prefer a bath. The showers here are obsecne."
Posted by: Tim H | November 23, 2009 6:17 PM
"Yes, dwik is right. I do place my New York Post inside my book. In fact, how else would I know that a regular Anti-Cap contributor was written about in today's edition?"
Posted by: Tim H | November 23, 2009 6:22 PM
"As soon as I finish this book, perhaps I will join you in that bubble bath that you are plainly taking."
Posted by: Abe | November 23, 2009 6:30 PM
Don't take it personally. Everyone goes through the bukkake hazing ritual."
Posted by: Anon e. mouse | November 23, 2009 7:01 PM
"Let me know when you're 99 44/100 percent pure."
Posted by: Kathy H | November 23, 2009 7:26 PM
" 'Oh look, I dropped the soap!' 'Oh look, I dropped the soap!' I might have to stab you in the eye just for being such a fucking clich——."
Posted by: Joshua | November 23, 2009 7:41 PM
I am now regretting not checking the "Personal Hygene is Important to Me" box.
https://www.nps.gov/goga/planyourvisit/upload/form_az-overnight.pdf
Posted by: boneguy_97 | November 23, 2009 7:46 PM
"It's the 'New Yorker Book of Prison Rape Cartoons.' It's funny because it's true."
Posted by: Joshua | November 23, 2009 7:48 PM
Of course you don't think it's unfair, but I think it's just a shame that the prison kitchen plays favorites with with the mashed potato bath tub.
Posted by: firebus | November 23, 2009 7:49 PM
"Make sure to scrub your ass this time. I don't want another surprise visit from the Dingleberry Fairy."
Posted by: Damon | November 23, 2009 8:07 PM
"Sure, you wanted the bottom bunk; but that was before you knew that you would be forced to take endless bubble baths. Not so fun anymore, is it Spike?"
[maybe there are better "prison names" than 'Spike' but please don't let that affect your judging of the caption.]
Posted by: Abe | November 23, 2009 9:29 PM
I'm still confused about these anti-caption rules
Posted by: JohnnyB | November 23, 2009 9:33 PM
"I feel tremendous remorse for having ripped pages from this book and taped them on the wall."
"I don't fit in the bed. I haven't slept in years."
"I don't really know you, but I think I like you JohnnyB."
Posted by: JohnnyB | November 23, 2009 9:36 PM
"The first rule of the anti-caption contest, is you don't talk about the rules of the anti-caption contest, especially not with JohnnyB."
Posted by: Richard H | November 23, 2009 10:04 PM
"The first rule of cellblock 15 is wash your private parts."
Posted by: Richard H | November 23, 2009 10:07 PM
"What chance did either of us have in life, really? With these terribly asymetrical features, almost as if we were drawn by someone who should be doing something --anything-- other than being a cartoonist. The bubble baths we can take are scant and frankly bizarre compensation."
Posted by: Abe | November 23, 2009 11:02 PM
Listen, I'm reading the latest published research on exophthalmos, and there's nothing about mineral baths. Nothing.
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | November 23, 2009 11:05 PM
"Actually your bath helps with my steam cell research."
Posted by: Geronimo Finkelstein | November 24, 2009 4:27 AM
"The sexual assault and sodomy which can go on for hours here are obscene."
Posted by: Steve_O | November 24, 2009 6:55 AM
"Listen to this, Eddie. 'No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.' Deuter-fucking-onomy 23:1."
Posted by: Rob | November 24, 2009 7:02 AM
"Why is there a casket in here?"
Posted by: David | November 24, 2009 8:46 AM
"Oh my god, you were right; I am a cartoon!"
"Oh my god, you were right; I am Jewish!"
"Oh my god, you were right; I am gay!"
"Oh my god, you were right; Bill Buckner is gay!"
"Oh my god, you were right; victory in the caption contest often depends upon the tiniest detail!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | November 24, 2009 10:49 AM
"If you hadn't dropped my Sony eBook Reader in the bath, I could have read 'Going Rogue'. Instead, here I am stuck reading 'Rapture Fucking Ready.'"
Posted by: mypalmike | November 24, 2009 10:50 AM
"Explain to me again about credit default swaps?"
"What's weird about it? Listen, I'm James Lipton, ok? And you're James Spader. 'So, James, what was it like to work with Molly Ringwold?' Now you answer."
Posted by: R.K. | November 24, 2009 12:21 PM
Real Life Winner: "Actually, according to this Bible I'm reading, after last night we're BOTH in hot water!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | November 24, 2009 12:55 PM
Had I known you would be so attractive, I would have put in for the all copper soaking tub.
Posted by: boneguy_97 | November 24, 2009 12:56 PM
Christ, what a bath hole.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | November 24, 2009 2:47 PM
"Honey, I'm ready to pee again if you need some more hot water. I love you so much."
Posted by: Sarah | November 24, 2009 3:18 PM
Harry's 5 Quick Tips For JohnnyB
1.The idea of an anti caption is that, unlike a regular caption, it takes away from the picture as much as possible.
2. A caption's job is to enhance a cartoon.
3. An anti-caption's job is to destroy the cartoon.
4. You are probably better off completely ignoring tips 1, 2 and 3.
5. The anti-caption contest is almost impossible to explain.
Posted by: Rob | November 24, 2009 6:41 PM
"This play I'm reading has a guy named Nick Bottom. Funny. 'Bottom.'"
Posted by: Kathy H | November 24, 2009 6:51 PM
"I'm exceedingly waterbored."
Posted by: Glenn | November 24, 2009 7:04 PM
"You must have converted. It says here in Schindler's List that the Jews were actually sent to the showers.
Posted by: NJtoTX | November 24, 2009 7:07 PM
"No, I don't have a nook, and I'm not interested in your cranny."
Posted by: Richard H | November 24, 2009 7:56 PM
"When you said you'd give me a 'manual' while you bathed I actually envisioned something different than this!"
"When I finish Sarah Palin's book
'Going Rouge' I believe I will need the bath, too, Spike. It is Spike isn't it?"
"It says here that most gay's were born that way but a few were sucked into it."
"According to this book, if you can't find a partner in jail you are to use a chair. Wait... This is a book of Elvis lyrics!"
Posted by: Johnny V | November 24, 2009 7:58 PM
"Yep, Dumbledore dies."
Posted by: Deborah | November 24, 2009 9:57 PM
"I'm not really a doctor, and that wasn't really a colonoscopy."
Posted by: dwilk | November 24, 2009 11:31 PM
I find what you're doing to be strange and disgusting. READING, I MEAN.
Posted by: skibum | November 25, 2009 12:29 AM
"With 11 percent of all black men ages 30 to 34 behind bars, and a black man 12 times more likely that a white man to be incarcerated on a drug charge, why oh why do I not have me a fine big stud to bust me open every night instead of you, Princess Tiny Meat?"
Posted by: J.D. | November 25, 2009 12:36 AM
obvious correction: "With 11 percent of all black men ages 30 to 34 behind bars, and a black man 12 times more likely than a white man to be incarcerated on a drug charge, why oh why do I not have me a fine big stud to bust me open every night instead of you, Princess Tiny Meat?"
Posted by: Anonymous | November 25, 2009 2:05 AM
"Isn't it ironic that I am in a prison cell for expressing the opinion that verifiable proof of the actual number of victims in the holocaust and the cause of their deaths is hard to come by, while the Israeli government continues a program of apartheid and genocide against the Palestinians using US funding and weapons, portraying itself as the victim as it slaughters Palestinian civilians?"
Posted by: J.D. | November 25, 2009 1:55 PM
"You think mom and dad are even still alive? We've been grounded in here for as long as I can remember."
Posted by: Foadie Jackson | November 25, 2009 4:44 PM
"Wow! Gargling the warden's nuts sure has paid off for you!"
Posted by: Rich Lather | November 25, 2009 7:06 PM
"Little did they know when they threw the book at me, I'd catch it, and you, you blah blah side-fill tub blah blah hope in your soul not soap in your hole. ha ha ha ha ha, get it? I'm here all life."
Posted by: Sandy Unterpuntz | November 25, 2009 7:29 PM
"Remember, I'm not paying the damn water bill."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | November 25, 2009 10:46 PM
"Gee, Leopold, don't you think it'd be swell if Bobby Franks were here?"
[original caption during the Harold Ross era. He was known never to quibble over extraneous elements not taken into account by the caption.]
Posted by: Abe | November 26, 2009 4:24 PM
[a variation]
"Yes, Dickie: we should have killed Bobby in a bubble bath."
Posted by: Abe | November 26, 2009 8:52 PM
I hate jail.
Posted by: andy | November 26, 2009 11:08 PM
"I'll judge this one, I promise. If I get Internet privileges back by Sunday."
Posted by: Joshua | November 27, 2009 4:34 AM
What smells like boiled ass? Wait. How to Serve Man? Dude, this is a cookbook.
Posted by: Rosie | November 27, 2009 10:57 AM
"Well, I'm stumped. Nowhere can I find a reliable way to increase the volume of your ejaculate."
Posted by: LV | November 27, 2009 12:52 PM
"If I must explain to you why it's funny then it won't be."
See also:
"This rulebook for winning the anti-caption contest is masturbatory."
Posted by: Brian L | November 28, 2009 1:53 PM
"I love the smell of lavander in the morning. And I get so turned on when you call me Spike...But then you knew that, didn't you Abe?"
Posted by: NAMBY | November 29, 2009 6:42 AM
OH!
Rubber Ducky
Your the one
You make bath time
Lots of fun!
Rubber Ducky
I'm awfully fond of you! (bobobodeo)
Rubber Ducky
Joy of joy
When i squeeze you you make noise
Rubber Ducky
You're my very best friend its true
Every Day
When I make my way to the tubby
I find a little fella who's
Cute and yella
And chubby
Rubba dub dubby!
Rubber Ducky
Your so fine
And im lucky that your mine
Rubber ducky im awfully fond of you
Posted by: JohnnyB | November 29, 2009 8:34 AM
Fixing this up a little bit:
"Oh this? It's the 'New Yorker Book of Prison Rape Cartoons.' They're funny because they're true."
Posted by: Joshua | November 29, 2009 11:21 AM
"If he could draw a hot bath, why couldn't he draw a fucking ladder?"
Posted by: Rob | November 29, 2009 7:09 PM
"Splish, splash, I was taken to Bath...to find a suitable spouse in Victorian England. Man these Jane Austen novels condensed to one line are great!"
Posted by: Frank | November 29, 2009 8:46 PM
"It says here that the odds of two white men ending up in the same prison cell in 2009 is so low a number that white liberals would now find it humorous."
Posted by: Grant | November 29, 2009 8:53 PM
"Bad news I have, Stan. Extensive bathing will not wash off that Swastika you got on your chest today."
Posted by: Grant | November 29, 2009 8:59 PM
"Dude if I hold my eyes open really wide Moses kind of looks like Gandalf the Grey."
"Dude, shutup. I'm trying to create a wave with my farts, and every time you talk, the bunk shakes and I have to start over. I'm running out of gas man!"
Posted by: Grant | November 29, 2009 9:08 PM
"OK, fine. Tomorrow night I'll get the bathtub and you'll get the glory holes."
Posted by: mypalmike | November 30, 2009 10:53 AM
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