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November 23, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #218

Harry Effron

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

———Last week's results. ———Rules and tips.


First Place:
"I hate jail." -- andy

Second Place:
"White people find jokes about the American judicial and penal system quite humorous." -- J. D.

Third Place:
"I don't fit in the bed. I haven't slept in years." -- Johnny B

Honorable Mention:
"Just let me know if you need some caulk." -- mypalmike

"Why is there a casket in here?" --David

Sucking up to the judge's ego award:
"The sexual assault and sodomy which can go on for hours here are obscene." --Steve_O

Runner up: "Yes, I, too, also prefer a bath. The showers here are obscene." --Tim H


"I much appreciate that you bathe regularly, as it makes anal intercourse with you all the more pleasant."

"White people find jokes about the American judicial and penal system quite humorous."

The ACLU says we can sue for this, and for there being no bedrails to keep me from falling. And for forcing us to be in this obtuse cartoon.

———Let me warn you, I killed the last guy who offered me suds. Turned out it was Coors Light.———

"Look on the bright side. With all the tears of our laid-off colleagues, I created a great salt water pool."

"Just let me know if you need some caulk."

"Yeah, loosen up that sphincter, boy. You got a long night of sodomy ahead of you."

"It started out with petty shoplifting which led to armed robbery which led to rape and murder. Then came the twelve million dollar inheritance, which coincided with my appearance before an unsympathetic judge who taped my assets to the wall."

"Kidnapping and murder is illegal, but farting in the tub is just wrong."

"Tell me, does the hot bath also wash away the feelings of shame, or just the semen, blood, and fecal matter?"

"Hey, you masturbate underwater. I place my New York post inside a book. Different strokes for different folks."

"If you hadn't dropped my Kindle in the bath, I could have read 1,000 books by now. Instead, here I am reading Going Rogue for the 1,000th fucking time."

"Why do I like the top bunk? It keeps me from the watery fate my last 63 cellmates have suffered."

"Yes, I, too, also prefer a bath. The showers here are obsecne."

"Yes, dwik is right. I do place my New York Post inside my book. In fact, how else would I know that a regular Anti-Cap contributor was written about in today's edition?"

"As soon as I finish this book, perhaps I will join you in that bubble bath that you are plainly taking."

Don't take it personally. Everyone goes through the bukkake hazing ritual."

"Let me know when you're 99 44/100 percent pure."

" 'Oh look, I dropped the soap!' 'Oh look, I dropped the soap!' I might have to stab you in the eye just for being such a fucking clich——."

I am now regretting not checking the "Personal Hygene is Important to Me" box.


"It's the 'New Yorker Book of Prison Rape Cartoons.' It's funny because it's true."

Of course you don't think it's unfair, but I think it's just a shame that the prison kitchen plays favorites with with the mashed potato bath tub.

"Make sure to scrub your ass this time. I don't want another surprise visit from the Dingleberry Fairy."

"Sure, you wanted the bottom bunk; but that was before you knew that you would be forced to take endless bubble baths. Not so fun anymore, is it Spike?"

[maybe there are better "prison names" than 'Spike' but please don't let that affect your judging of the caption.]

I'm still confused about these anti-caption rules

"I feel tremendous remorse for having ripped pages from this book and taped them on the wall."

"I don't fit in the bed. I haven't slept in years."

"I don't really know you, but I think I like you JohnnyB."

"The first rule of the anti-caption contest, is you don't talk about the rules of the anti-caption contest, especially not with JohnnyB."

"The first rule of cellblock 15 is wash your private parts."

"What chance did either of us have in life, really? With these terribly asymetrical features, almost as if we were drawn by someone who should be doing something --anything-- other than being a cartoonist. The bubble baths we can take are scant and frankly bizarre compensation."

Listen, I'm reading the latest published research on exophthalmos, and there's nothing about mineral baths. Nothing.

"Actually your bath helps with my steam cell research."

"The sexual assault and sodomy which can go on for hours here are obscene."

"Listen to this, Eddie. 'No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.' Deuter-fucking-onomy 23:1."

"Why is there a casket in here?"

"Oh my god, you were right; I am a cartoon!"

"Oh my god, you were right; I am Jewish!"

"Oh my god, you were right; I am gay!"

"Oh my god, you were right; Bill Buckner is gay!"

"Oh my god, you were right; victory in the caption contest often depends upon the tiniest detail!"

"If you hadn't dropped my Sony eBook Reader in the bath, I could have read 'Going Rogue'. Instead, here I am stuck reading 'Rapture Fucking Ready.'"

"Explain to me again about credit default swaps?"

"What's weird about it? Listen, I'm James Lipton, ok? And you're James Spader. 'So, James, what was it like to work with Molly Ringwold?' Now you answer."

Real Life Winner: "Actually, according to this Bible I'm reading, after last night we're BOTH in hot water!"

Had I known you would be so attractive, I would have put in for the all copper soaking tub.

Christ, what a bath hole.

"Honey, I'm ready to pee again if you need some more hot water. I love you so much."

Harry's 5 Quick Tips For JohnnyB

1.The idea of an anti caption is that, unlike a regular caption, it takes away from the picture as much as possible.

2. A caption's job is to enhance a cartoon.

3. An anti-caption's job is to destroy the cartoon.

4. You are probably better off completely ignoring tips 1, 2 and 3.

5. The anti-caption contest is almost impossible to explain.

"This play I'm reading has a guy named Nick Bottom. Funny. 'Bottom.'"

"I'm exceedingly waterbored."

"You must have converted. It says here in Schindler's List that the Jews were actually sent to the showers.

"No, I don't have a nook, and I'm not interested in your cranny."

"When you said you'd give me a 'manual' while you bathed I actually envisioned something different than this!"

"When I finish Sarah Palin's book
'Going Rouge' I believe I will need the bath, too, Spike. It is Spike isn't it?"

"It says here that most gay's were born that way but a few were sucked into it."

"According to this book, if you can't find a partner in jail you are to use a chair. Wait... This is a book of Elvis lyrics!"

"Yep, Dumbledore dies."

"I'm not really a doctor, and that wasn't really a colonoscopy."

I find what you're doing to be strange and disgusting. READING, I MEAN.

"With 11 percent of all black men ages 30 to 34 behind bars, and a black man 12 times more likely that a white man to be incarcerated on a drug charge, why oh why do I not have me a fine big stud to bust me open every night instead of you, Princess Tiny Meat?"

obvious correction: "With 11 percent of all black men ages 30 to 34 behind bars, and a black man 12 times more likely than a white man to be incarcerated on a drug charge, why oh why do I not have me a fine big stud to bust me open every night instead of you, Princess Tiny Meat?"

"Isn't it ironic that I am in a prison cell for expressing the opinion that verifiable proof of the actual number of victims in the holocaust and the cause of their deaths is hard to come by, while the Israeli government continues a program of apartheid and genocide against the Palestinians using US funding and weapons, portraying itself as the victim as it slaughters Palestinian civilians?"

"You think mom and dad are even still alive? We've been grounded in here for as long as I can remember."

"Wow! Gargling the warden's nuts sure has paid off for you!"

"Little did they know when they threw the book at me, I'd catch it, and you, you blah blah side-fill tub blah blah hope in your soul not soap in your hole. ha ha ha ha ha, get it? I'm here all life."

"Remember, I'm not paying the damn water bill."

"Gee, Leopold, don't you think it'd be swell if Bobby Franks were here?"

[original caption during the Harold Ross era. He was known never to quibble over extraneous elements not taken into account by the caption.]

[a variation]

"Yes, Dickie: we should have killed Bobby in a bubble bath."

I hate jail.

"I'll judge this one, I promise. If I get Internet privileges back by Sunday."

What smells like boiled ass? Wait. How to Serve Man? Dude, this is a cookbook.

"Well, I'm stumped. Nowhere can I find a reliable way to increase the volume of your ejaculate."

"If I must explain to you why it's funny then it won't be."
See also:
"This rulebook for winning the anti-caption contest is masturbatory."

"I love the smell of lavander in the morning. And I get so turned on when you call me Spike...But then you knew that, didn't you Abe?"

Rubber Ducky
Your the one
You make bath time
Lots of fun!
Rubber Ducky
I'm awfully fond of you! (bobobodeo)

Rubber Ducky
Joy of joy
When i squeeze you you make noise
Rubber Ducky
You're my very best friend its true

Every Day
When I make my way to the tubby
I find a little fella who's
Cute and yella
And chubby
Rubba dub dubby!

Rubber Ducky
Your so fine
And im lucky that your mine
Rubber ducky im awfully fond of you

Fixing this up a little bit:

"Oh this? It's the 'New Yorker Book of Prison Rape Cartoons.' They're funny because they're true."

"If he could draw a hot bath, why couldn't he draw a fucking ladder?"

"Splish, splash, I was taken to Bath...to find a suitable spouse in Victorian England. Man these Jane Austen novels condensed to one line are great!"

"It says here that the odds of two white men ending up in the same prison cell in 2009 is so low a number that white liberals would now find it humorous."

"Bad news I have, Stan. Extensive bathing will not wash off that Swastika you got on your chest today."

"Dude if I hold my eyes open really wide Moses kind of looks like Gandalf the Grey."

"Dude, shutup. I'm trying to create a wave with my farts, and every time you talk, the bunk shakes and I have to start over. I'm running out of gas man!"

"OK, fine. Tomorrow night I'll get the bathtub and you'll get the glory holes."

This is really cool.asigurari auto ieftine
Thanks that you share all this whit us

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