The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #215
al in la
WINNER
"So we're agreed then, the winner of this sword fight takes home the little referee butt plug." --jf
SECOND PLACE
"The winner, and still champion, is Nair for Men with Lanolin" --Rich Lather
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I've got a ten dollar bid, do I hear twelve dollars, I hear twelve dollars, twelve fifty, do I hear twelve fifty, I want twelve fifty, I have twelve, do I hear fifty, I don't have twelve fifty, how about twenty five for the pair......"--dwilk
"And there will be absolutely no kicking below the ankle."--Satireguy
"OK, gentlemen, despite your secret inclinations, no extended clutching or hugging. America needs it penchant for glorifying homosexuality cloaked in pujilistic aggression. Now, box!"--Jyce Cranston
"I brought a couple of giants - do you mind?"--JohnnyB
"Lllleet's get ready to Trrrriiiiiippppp"
(and)
"Let's get ready to trip!"
(disclaimer: I didn't like how the repeating letters appeared. Anyhow, apply a bronzer, coiffe your hair, and take 10 seconds to read this entry. Now, that's funny!) --Sarah
"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?"
(I'm pretty sure this is the winner under the Harry criteria.)--Joshua
"And for my first trick, i will judge last week's contest!" --harry
(As selected by al in la )
Comments
"In this corner we have the first posting! And in this corner we have the other posting!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | November 2, 2009 7:18 AM
"Snifffffff. Mmmmmmm. The fighters are uncircumcised, ladies and gentlemen."
Posted by: J.D. | November 2, 2009 7:27 AM
"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's a-giant-boxer's-balls!"
"Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages over 18. Tonight we have a fight with more unprecendented aspects than we usually hyperbolize about in our ordinary fights on ordinary nights. Those fights, all of them, including Foreman versus Frazer, Tyson versus Ali, and Kramer versus Kramer, were bat's piss. Cold and unappetizing as a plate of your parents' entrails. But bad as those fights were this fight is awesome. As awesome as a gold-plated blowjob on Christmas Morning. For never before, ladies and gentlemen, has any boxing match featured both a shaved King Kong and a clothed Richard Moll. He was Bull on Night Court. Ask your parents."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | November 2, 2009 7:33 AM
"Okay guys, two things: If you need the anti-cap rules, see last week's post. Also, the judge has disqualified TG "Early Bird" Gibbon from this week's contest (he knows why!)."
Posted by: al in la | November 2, 2009 7:52 AM
———And do you, ———Large Lizard——— O———Halloran take Jake ———All Balls——— Mahalovich to be your lawfully wedded husband?———
Posted by: Rob | November 2, 2009 8:12 AM
I can look up your shorts and see your junk.
Posted by: JohnnyB | November 2, 2009 8:32 AM
I brought a couple of giants - do you mind?
Posted by: JohnnyB | November 2, 2009 8:34 AM
HEEEELLLLLP!
Posted by: JohnnyB | November 2, 2009 8:54 AM
"And in this corner...Legs McManamy!"
Posted by: Francis | November 2, 2009 9:02 AM
"This one has smegma!"
Posted by: Glenn | November 2, 2009 9:30 AM
"The black is a better athlete to begin with because he's been bred to be that way ——— because of his high thighs and big thighs that goes up into his back, and they can jump higher and run faster because of their bigger thighs. This goes back all the way to the Civil War when during the slave trading, the owner ——— the slave owner would breed his big black to his big woman so that he could have a big black kid. Except that these giants are white guys."
Posted by: J.D. | November 2, 2009 9:38 AM
"Tonight's bout is canceled, as the ring has been built way too high off the ground, compared to its other dimensions"
"It is time for our main event, a true match of the titans"
Posted by: Eric Prestemon | November 2, 2009 9:58 AM
"O-ooooh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last cleaning, whose white stripes and broad stars, though the pair of less flights, oh the la dah dah dah, hmm hmmm hmm hmm hmm streaming, and the rockettes red glare, the bums bursting in air, hay doo doo doo doo,
dah dah flag was still there, Jose, does that star span gold banner yet wave, oh the land of the free and the home of the braves"
Posted by: JohnnyB | November 2, 2009 10:15 AM
In the left corner, Oprah. In the right corner, another fat person.
Posted by: LK | November 2, 2009 10:19 AM
Damn you, harry_anderson_in_la!
Posted by: TG Gibbon | November 2, 2009 10:41 AM
"Lllleet's get ready to Trrrriiiiiippppp"
Posted by: Sarah | November 2, 2009 12:33 PM
"Let's get ready to trip!"
(disclaimer: I didn't like how the repeating letters appeared. Anyhow, apply a bronzer, coiffe your hair, and take 10 seconds to read this entry. Now, that's funny!)
Posted by: Sarah | November 2, 2009 12:45 PM
So we're agreed then, the winner of this sword fight takes home the little referee butt plug.
Posted by: jf | November 2, 2009 12:56 PM
"I'm Paul Simon, and this situation inspires me to write a song about a boxer! Unfortunately I'm Paul Simon the former senator, as you can tell by my characteristic bowtie!"
Posted by: Rubrick | November 2, 2009 1:27 PM
...then by the power vested in me by the great state of Massachusets...I now pronounce you...husband and husband!
Posted by: firebus | November 2, 2009 1:40 PM
"In the red corner, we have Big Mike's left leg. In the blue corner, Tall John's left leg. Their others legs are in the two corners that have no designated colors."
Posted by: Richard H | November 2, 2009 4:19 PM
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the final of the World Hacky Sack Championships. I'll be your Hacky Sack for this evening. And let me get right to it, by introducing our two finalists..."
Posted by: Richard H | November 2, 2009 4:20 PM
"The loser of tonight's bout will be sent back in time approximately 2 months, dressed in period garb, tied up (very well, mind you), and pleasured by my sadist, ancestral brethren"
Posted by: Boris Talzhoff | November 2, 2009 4:38 PM
"I see London; I see France..."
Posted by: timmy | November 2, 2009 4:44 PM
"I can't start this fight until one of you puts on the red shorts."
Posted by: Jeff | November 2, 2009 6:17 PM
———And in these two corners at seventy six feet tall and weighing almost as much as my wife...———
Posted by: dwilk | November 2, 2009 7:02 PM
———And with a record of two wins, thirty four losses and six draws, let———s hear it for Suture Ray Morrissey!———
Posted by: Rob | November 2, 2009 7:30 PM
"And for my first trick, i will judge last week's contest!"
Posted by: harry | November 2, 2009 7:46 PM
"Tonight's matchup features two pugilists who abuse steroids. How can you tell, you ask? Because I'm six-foot one."
Posted by: Damon | November 2, 2009 8:23 PM
Awright, which one of you mongoloids farted?
Posted by: Dave | November 2, 2009 9:38 PM
"Don't piss on me and tell me it's raining cum."
Posted by: J.D. | November 2, 2009 10:31 PM
"You're on the honor system, gentleman, because from where I stand I can't fairly judge where your groins end."
Posted by: R.K. | November 3, 2009 2:39 AM
"I think we're going to have to ignore the 'no clinching' rule."
Posted by: David | November 3, 2009 8:23 AM
"This is the strangest opera ever"
Posted by: David | November 3, 2009 8:31 AM
And the winner is ... the head on the desk from last week because that has nothing to do with this cartoon!
Posted by: JohnnyB | November 3, 2009 10:24 AM
The rules of the fight are as follows:
A great anti-caption does one or more of the following things:
——— so completely misses the point that it changes your entire perception of the cartoon.
——— is not just not funny but agressively unfunny.
——— fits the picture, but does not actually work as a punchline.
——— pays attention to details that the artist probably hoped you would overlook.
——— reads like a caption that would actually appear in The New Yorker only without the being-funny part.
——— reads like a caption that would never, ever appear in The New Yorker (see second finalist).
Meanwhile, there are a few popular tropes that I always appreciate, but which rarely make the final cut:
——— direct parodies of/references to actual New Yorker cartoon captions (or actual caption contest winners).
——— captions which fail to consider the central image/action of the cartoon.
Posted by: JohnnyB | November 3, 2009 10:28 AM
"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?"
(I'm pretty sure this is the winner under the Harry criteria.)
Posted by: Joshua | November 3, 2009 12:08 PM
"The winner, and still champion, is Nair for Men with Lanolin"
Posted by: Rich Lather | November 3, 2009 12:11 PM
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the cursive 'W' on the side of the ring sort of looks like a butt or over-sized camel-toe"
Posted by: Taint Jackson | November 3, 2009 12:17 PM
"You're stepping on my foot you ape!"
Posted by: MAtt | November 3, 2009 12:18 PM
"Ladieeeees aaaaand gentlemennnnn! This isn't even remotely funny!"
Posted by: MAtt | November 3, 2009 12:23 PM
"I'm having a heart attack!! Is there a doctor in the house?!"
Posted by: Tim H | November 3, 2009 1:18 PM
"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."
Posted by: Satireguy | November 3, 2009 2:25 PM
"And there will be absolutely no kicking below the ankle."
Posted by: Satireguy | November 3, 2009 2:27 PM
"And those wondering why a bout between giants is being officiated by a tiny little ref with no eyes, you simply have no understanding of how Wall Street really works."
Posted by: NAMBY | November 3, 2009 4:46 PM
"It was truly a Fantastic Voyage. Having passed through Rocky's entire gastrointestinal tract, I pronounce him cancer free!"
Posted by: LV | November 3, 2009 5:33 PM
"Gentlemen, once you stop French kissing each other, we can start the fight."
Posted by: louis lewis | November 3, 2009 5:37 PM
"McFly?! You slacker!!!"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | November 3, 2009 5:45 PM
Ah, Jesus. I show up to referee a prizefight, and a Dinah Shore Invitational gallery breaks out.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | November 3, 2009 7:08 PM
"Hitting above the belt is expressly prohibited because I am a tiny man and I'm unable to officiate anything beyond my field of vision. Scrotum punching is encouraged."
Posted by: Limpy Witherspoon | November 3, 2009 7:37 PM
"I feel so very small and insignificant!"
"This is just like that dream I had . . . "
Posted by: Deborah | November 3, 2009 8:16 PM
"Doc Martens are so 1989."
Posted by: J.D. | November 3, 2009 8:45 PM
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
Posted by: R.K. | November 3, 2009 8:59 PM
———I———ve got a ten dollar bid, do I hear twelve dollars, I hear twelve dollars, twelve fifty, do I hear twelve fifty, I want twelve fifty, I have twelve, do I hear fifty, I don———t have twelve fifty, how about twenty five for the pair......"
Posted by: dwilk | November 3, 2009 10:18 PM
"Will one of you reach down and put me in your pants already?"
Posted by: louis lewis | November 4, 2009 12:10 AM
When they said This Is It shows Michael Jackson as you've never seen him before, they weren't kidding.
Posted by: louis lewis | November 4, 2009 12:24 AM
"Look, you guys. I'm not voting tonight so I can referee this fight. But, I hope to God that fat fuck Christie don't get elected."
Posted by: Kathy H | November 4, 2009 9:40 AM
"OK, gentlemen, despite your secret inclinations, no extended clutching or hugging. America needs it penchant for glorifying homosexuality cloaked in pujilistic aggression. Now, box!"
Posted by: Jyce Cranston | November 4, 2009 1:24 PM
"Don't ask me, ask Simon Doonan. He dreamed up this mess."
Posted by: J.D. | November 4, 2009 6:27 PM
"I have a message here from Harry: 'Please destroy this photo.'"
Posted by: Richard H | November 5, 2009 1:47 PM
"And in this corner at six feet three inches long..."
Posted by: Rob | November 5, 2009 7:53 PM
"Mommy, Vladimir kicked me!"
Posted by: NJtoTX | November 5, 2009 8:06 PM
I met a sports hack from an antique rag
Who said: Four vast and trunk'ed legs of stone
Stand in the Vegas desert. Near them, at the Sands,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose fro'
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of rhyme's command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that booked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, Don King of Don Kings:
Look on my bouts, ye Fighty, and despair!"
Nothing ringside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and barefisted,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
Posted by: TG Gibbon | November 6, 2009 5:37 AM
"The smell of ball sweat mixed with jockstrap elastic ... heaven. Don't even try to say you don't love it. Don't. Even. Try."
Posted by: J.D. | November 7, 2009 9:20 AM
"eggs, milk, and tampons! Also, don't forget to pick up the drrrrryyyyy cleeeeeeeeeaning"
Posted by: Brian L | November 8, 2009 2:59 AM
"ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE! Wait... That wasn't a rumble! OH SICK! MAN! I think I am going to throw up! (Koff Koff)
"This is the guy. But wasn't I supposed to pick someone in the lineup from a safe and hidden location?"
",,,and beating the Knock-em Sock-em Robots he defeated all 4 Hungry, Hungry Hippos... Our undefeated reining champion..."
Posted by: Johnny V | November 8, 2009 9:31 AM
We'd like to thank the 4 old ladies who live in a shoe, without who, this fight would never have happened.
Posted by: boneguy | November 8, 2009 11:16 AM
"He pooped his pants, and I am the resulting turd. Worship me."
Posted by: Glenn W | November 8, 2009 9:27 PM
My bowtie? Yes, I tied it myself. What were you thinking it was?
Posted by: Dex | November 8, 2009 11:00 PM
It is cool. I like the way that you see the facts
Posted by: piese auto import | March 5, 2010 8:58 AM