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October 26, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #214

Harry Effron


Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Last week's results.Rules and tips.

current.jpg

First Place:
"I miss my computer." -- Johnny V

Second Place:
"No, I was talking to the asshole in the chair." -- The Confidence Man

Third Place:
"Wait -how many syllables? Sounds like what? This is frustrating." -- Deborah

Honorable Mention:


"I'm afraid we're cutting back on paperweights. You're fired." -- Tim H

"So, you're so small you aren't even visible over the back of the chair, you emit an eerie white glow, and you've placed a severed head on my desk. It takes more than that to impress me." -- Rubrick

"All right, that's the end of your combination job-evaluation-and-milk-bath. Please return the floating foam telephone and coffee mug toys to the attendant on your way out." -- Francis

"You have the concept of a 'glory hole' all wrong, Smith." -- David


Judge's notes:

Well, now that I'll be a regular judge, it may help you to understand my style a bit. There were a ton of excellent entries that i ignored, mainly because they were too good. (They directly mentioned the head on the table, and made a clever joke relating to it.) The idea of an anti caption is that, unlike a regular caption, it takes away from the picture as much as possible.

A caption's job is to enhance a photo. An anti-caption's job: destroy it.

Good luck.

Comments

"Did I tell you about the dream I had two weeks ago that was exactly like this?"

"Hey, Pops. Was it Yogi who said 'It's déjà vu all over again'?"

"You really should have quit while you were a head.*"

* For best results, apply caption to this week's cartoon.

"My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said, 'give me some head'."

"My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said, 'the severed head of your lover'."

"You see it's a little joke I made up. When I have a guest in my office, I say, "Excuse me, I need to use the head.' Then I take a dump in your mouth."

"Oh, my lord, that's a nasty paper cut."

this is fantastic doc! but i still have a strong desire to have sex with young boys

No this will never get off the ground. You know what else won't ever get off the ground? Your career Chuck, that's what! Oh and while I'm at it vertical blinds! Those horizontal blinds are so passe a bit like that shitty cheap art you have hanging there. You suck Chuck and by the way - I nailed your wife last night! Who has anger issues now you bald fat bastard!?

"The `up and forward' motion of this rocket ride reminds me of something, doc..."

"The sex you have with corpses?"

"Yes."

(sigh) "Me too. That's why I have you pay me in quarters."

"We honor the Americans with Disabilities Act, hence your condition will be no obstacle to our hiring you as long as you are qualified for the job."

"Allahu Akbar!"

"Most guys have big guts, tiny dicks and hemorrhoids, so would do well to have a full-body amputation not unlike yourself."

You weren't kidding when you said rocket rides combined with Abilify can be used as adjunctive treatments for my depression.

"Doc, is it a Gatlin Gun, a vibrator, or a ball-point pen? You're making me crazy here. I don't know whether to take a shit or wind my watch."

Woops! Used the wrong contest. I'll update it as soon as the moveable type website starts working

[If you really want to be inspired, why not go over to al in la's blog and check out all the entries from a fortnight ago? Or something.]

Yeah yeah i get it. It's fixed now.

"Man, talk about a botched circumcision"

"Moreover, the one who blasphemes the name of the LORD shall surely be put to death; all the congregation shall certainly stone him. The alien as well as the native, when he blasphemes the Name, shall be put to death."

"Baxter, I've made an appointment for you at the local body shop. We'll have you back on feet in no time."

"Now I see why you wanted to conduct the interview on Skype."

"Great news, Steve! An eighteen-year-old motorcyclist just got his head ripped off cleanly by a wire tied to two trees on opposites sides of street very close-by. You're gonna get a body!"

"Let's face it. I'm the boss here. You're just a nobody."

"So you're the famous Alfredo Garcia?"

"I'm sure you'd be great in a shampoo commercial, Burt. But our ad clearly stated we're casting for Head and Shoulders."

"All right, that's the end of your combination job-evaluation-and-milk-bath. Please return the floating foam telephone and coffee mug toys to the attendant on your way out."

So, your suggestion is that the arcade game consist of a table with several holes, out of which would pop gopher heads. The player would try to strike them with a mallet. Yes, I can visualize it now. And I could have done so without you having to destroy my desk to demonstrate; I'm not stupid. But, as long as you're down there, give me a little head.

"I apologize. My usual secretary is on vacation; her replacement apparently doesn't understand the meaning of 'giving the boss head'."

"So, you're so small you aren't even visible over the back of the chair, you emit an eerie white glow, and you've placed a severed head on my desk. It takes more than that to impress me."

"Pete? It's come to my attention that your head is actually a clip-on."

"Get your goddamm head of my desk, Cosgrove."

"Get your goddamm head off my desk, Cosgrove."

"Scotty, you beamed Spock into my fucking desk, you drunk. Beam down Bones, and tell him I don't want to hear any of his 'I'm a doctor, not a wood-worker' bullshit. Capiche?"

"You know, if not for your head, you would be a perfect desk. I hope you see where I'm going with this..."

"That was Harvey on the phone. He said his Rolodex gives him a blowjob every other hour..."

"Right."

"Yeah. So, something to think about."

"The phone didn't ring. Also, your finger was on the hook the entire time you were `talking' with Harvey."

"Um..."

"And who is Harvey? I don't know him."

"Oh, you wouldn't. He's a business contact."

"I'm your Rolodex."

"Just suck my dick, okay?"

"Really? He called you an ass?"

"You're also a concert pianist? No, I wouldn't have guessed that."

“You want a severance package? You are a severance package.”

"Have you done any work OTHER than Hat Model? No? Well- can you suck cock?"

Deskman and chairman

"I'm sorry. It's clear to me that you'll never cut it in Starfleet."

"I must apologize. I explicitly told Ms. Rogers decaffeinated, not decapitated."

"I am not sure you appreciate the responsibility that comes with being head of this company"

I suppose this warrants severance pay...

"I should talk, but with only a head, your nose looks even more enormous."

"Okay. I'll be Morgan Freeman, and all you have to do is lie back in a box. We'll win Best Costume for sure."

"You think so, huh? You think so? Griswold, I didn't hire you to think!"

"I'm sorry, but we cannot offer you health insurance at this time due to your pre-existing condition."

"I'm afraid we're cutting back on paperweights. You're fired."

It's eerie, the way the eyes seem to follow me no matter where I am in the room.

"I'm sorry, you're just not what I am looking for in a desk."

"How is this arrangement not gay?"

"Why are you always staring at me? Oh right, you can't move."

"I told you not to use yourself as the test subject for the new transporter system. That's why God created homeless people."

I'm applying for any of the department head position.

I'm sorry, but there are already so many head positions in our Company and there is no way I can shake your hands to hire you.

"I understand, but I still think it's a pretty drastic cure for acid reflux."

"So, in five years, you envision yourself on the corner of my desk?"

No, I was talking to the asshole in the chair.

"I know you don't enjoy holding my pencils, but that's no reason to arrange them on the floor in an OCD kind of way."

A little Abilify will clear up that problem in no time.

"You tree-huggers just don't know when to let go, do you?"

"NO that's not her hair, it's the extension cord. You're the only head on this desk, Larry, that's my phone!"

"Yeah, but after I pee in your mouth, where will it GO? This is a new desk."

"Your resume is in order, but can you pull off the 7-10 split."

"Wait -how many syllables? Sounds like what? This is frustrating."

You know, when I bought this Damian Hirst piece "Live Man Encased in Plexiglas Box with His Head Protruding," Charles Saatchi assured me that your bodily secretions would not turn the suspension opaque. Lying bastard.

"I don't care if you are Edith Head's grandson. You're not getting the job."

"I know I've asked you this before, Mr. Williams, but can you please tell me again how you were able to bat .400 over an entire season?"

"[Notices severed head, jaw drops]."

"I'm going to have to let you go for your continued violation of the clean desk policy."

"Very well, we'll rehire you with your 'reasonable acccommodations' if you agree to drop the lawsuit."

"The fact that you even got yourself here today counts for something in my book, Mr. I-Can-Get-a-Job-Despite-Only-Being-a-Head."

"Too casual."

"The listing said that a candidate must be able lift 50 lbs over his. I'll tell you what. Do it now, and the job is yours."

"The listing said that a candidate must be able lift 50 lbs over his head. I'll tell you what. Do it now, and the job is yours."

"Have you seen my hybrid squirrel-phone?"

"You have the concept of a 'glory hole' all wrong, Smith."

"Sorry Frank, I told my wife last night I wanted a little head."

Frankly, Smithers, you
underestimate our ability to
circumvent the ADA and
kick your "ass" out.

Your disability is
obvious, but the act doesn't mention lack of a ...
uterus - oh, shit, I almost had it.

"Are you here to fix the phone? it morphed into a squirrel."

"I've asked you, my cup, and my phone here to listen to my one simple request: Can't we all just get along?"

"This is how you think outside the box?! You idiot!"

"Unlike you, Jenkins, I took this job to get a head."

"I see you sat on my concrete surface desk before it was dry..."

"I miss my computer."

"Ted Williams, you old S.O.B.! How the hell are ya'?"

"Head Honcho... Bah... I bet that joker from corporate thinks this is funny."

"So you wrote that song, "I Ain't Got No Body?!"

"Oh my god! There's a severed head on my desk!"

"I apologize for laughing. It's just that when you wear the invisible suit and sit in that chair, you look like a disembodied head on the desk. Very droll. So, what were we talking about?"

"In your case, the Peter Principle seems to be missing a peter."

"Jacob Marley, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

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