August 24, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Undead Anti-Caption Contest

Due to popular demand, I'm working out a way to continue the anti-caption contest, and hopefully a retooled version of the blog, into the brave new future. Stay tuned for further developments. Now if only there were a cartoon for which you could devise a caption that expresses your feeling of being suspended in an awkward situation with nothing to do yet being unable to leave.


Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Stop looking at your watch, Bill. We're TiVoing The Daily Show."

"I preferred coming over when you had those really big appliances."

"... and Steve was always joking about how our marriage was like a prison and so for our anniversary I thought it would be fun to put up these bars just as a joke but after a while I decided that it was best that we kept just one key and I should be the one to hold on to it..."

"You'd like a drink, Bruce? I'm sorry, we don't serve drinks any more."

"Well thanks for stopping by Jim and Sandy. I think Dave really likes his new watch."

It was really nice meeting you, Mr. & Mrs. Johnson. Debbie talks about you all the time in her letters.

Now, if you'll excuse us, the guards will be back in fifteen minutes -- so if we're gonna make this conjugal visit thing happen, we'd better get started.

According to my watch, you're the most boring assholes I've ever met.

"The hours here aren't obscene enough."

Look, all I'm saying is that just because we're behind bars the sex doesn't all have to be anal.

"By now, the giant hand should be asleep, so it should be safe to open the gate and slip out unnoticed."

"Wow, look at the time...12:34 and 56 seconds! That's so neat."

Ok, we've spent two hours brainstorming a motto for Persian Textile Coloration Services and there's nothing written down, so here goes - "Iraqi Dyes Yellow...and Red, Green, and Blue". The prison bars? I have no idea.

"Thanks for the blowjob, Joan."

"I...that's...I gave you a watch, Mike."

"Sorry; prison talk. We don't say what stuff is in here - we just say what it's worth."

"I know it won't bring him back, but please believe me when I say that I am truly sorry for murdering your . . . whoa! Look at the time!"

It's half watch, half shiv. Crate and Barrel was having a sale.

"We're white! We're middle class! We're in prison! Hahahahahahahaha!"

"How's your adopted son doing?"

"Pedro? He's better. We were having some problems with him trying to eat dinner with us, so we had to install the bars."

"Hey John - wanna see something funny? Pretend you're his estranged father; he'll come running so fast that he'll forget they're there."

"That's hilarious! Okay, I'm gonna time this. And...now. `¡Pedro! ¡Es su papá! ¡Mi amor! ¡Vamos!'"

The rule of thumb is if they forgo the body cavity search, the pizza will still be warm.

"Well! It looks like it's about time for y'all to go fuck yourselves."

(For old times' sake.)

"In about 20 seconds, Evloret Girl

is gonna bust this place wide open!"

"When I booked this place on Expedia, I had no idea what the Garybar Hotel meant."

[...and I especially had no idea what the Graybar

Hotel meant.]

"Dunno why this is taking so long. My understanding was that we just sign a few papers, and walk out of here with our prize."

"Say, what's this brochure on the coffee table? *reads* `Think about all the time you could be sharing with a special someone in your own vacation condo...'"

"Wait - why'd they emphasize those words? ... oh GOD NO!"

*bars clang down*

I guess we were "Capture Ready". That seemed funnier on the outside.

"Let's see, Jean-Paul should be here at any moment. He said he wanted to write an article or something about us..."

"Riot begins . . . now."

"I'll be back in one hour. Remember, you can have the Chex Mix right now, or you can have chocolates when I get back. But you must choose one or the other."

"OK, so I slit my wrist, and it's starting to gush, but... what? Turn it over first? Aw crap, I can't believe I fucked this up, now I've ruined the party!"

"I wish I could change myself into a fly and fly out of here like that character in True Blood."

"I feel so much safer with these bars on our door. Thanks for installing them."

"OK, OK, I know you guys are bored. I can tell, all right? Fine. I don't usually pull this one out, but... here, I can make a tiny bird come out of my watch just by whistling. Don't believe me? Watch. (whistles)... (whistles again)... (continues whistling for next hour)."

"The roast will be out of the oven in no less than 25 years."

"Well, look at the time... The-couple-on-the-couch-whom-I-am-about-to-shiv says 'what?'"

"Ok, Audrey, I'm giving you thirty seconds to find the rest of your face."

"I kind of liked it better when the permanent regime allowed us at least the illusion of freedom. I can't handle the truth."

"O.K. Who forgot to bring the big hunk of cheese?"

Ooh, look at the time, I've got shanking to go to. Rape you guys later?

Given the choice, I prefer "house arrest" to this "penal domesticity".

"If I'm hearing you correctly, Steven, you feel that Erica's representation fell below an objective standard of reasonableness and that, but for her ineffective assistance, the outcome of your trial would have been different. Erica, how does that make you feel? Hold that thought, it appears we're out of time."

Since you women don't find me funny, I guess my only crime is manslaughter.

“Fifty-nine, sixty, sixty-one, sixty-two...”

The Feldmans and the Andersens wake up hours after the mall closes.

"Eventually we'll get out of this prison. We just have to keep a stiff upper lip... well, except Doris. She has no upper lip."

"My, look at the time. I mean LOOK! Oooh!"

"Ritz Bits! Wow! Last time I was in jail all they had was Chex mix!"

"Squeeze, release. Squeeze, release. Squeeze, release ..."

"Did you ever see Robert Mitchum in Cape Fear....counselor?"


Johnny Dio would put the Fritos in a bowl. He smelled up the joint something awful and the hacks used to die.

"We can't start the next round of pictionary until the second hand goes all the way a... dang, ok, next time around we start."

Oh, this isn't a goatee. I just finished tossing Boggs' salad.

The press has always made "the Manson Family" sound like such a negative term. But I must say, Charles and Squeaky, you've made us feel right at home!

"Actually, it's 94,608,000 to 157,680,000 seconds, with no chance for parole."

oh well, we could always become *bloggers* - yeah, let's blog about something! It's not like we have anything better to do...oh, did you hear about those crazy christian rock pre-teens - hahaha. And woa!...What's the deal with the torture stuff? Oh come on people...


The last scene in this season's finale of Mad Men

, "The Comeuppance."

"It was an intriguing idea, but no one wants to buy a middle-aged, fat, blow-up doll that's ignoring you."

"I didn't want the ankle monitoring device because it made my leg look fat."

"Anyone else want to feel the baby kick?"

"Oh, the time? It's 25 years to life."

"O.K. The Stephen Hawking Book Club will now come to order. First book up for discussion: A Brief History of Time. Henry, what say you?"

"Oh my, look at the time! It's woman missing her face between her chin and her nose o'clock!"

"O.K. We all agree that I'm sitting in a chair and Susie over there is also sitting in a chair, but what the hell are you two sitting in? Is it a loveseat or a small sofa? I mean, Betty is all squished over to one side by you, Hal, and I can't make heads or tails out of it. C'mon, WTF?!"

"Fuck Yea. Some Tit-tays and furniture. Gitmo's not so bad anymore. Freedom may not be free, but it's plush. 8 more years! 8 more years!"

"Both my child porn video and I will be released this summer."

Those bars keep the purgatory out.

"I'd put on some music, but I don't want to wake our enormous, disturbed toddler."

"Well, dear, I think it's time we got some new friends."

"You make me want to be a better man. Oh, who am I kidding? You make me want to turn back time and simply accept the death penalty. I appealed for this? Somebody kill me. I'd rather be maggot poop. Fuck me!"

"I guess I'm not surprised this prison talk show has a prison green room."

"Shit, looks like its time to go post on radosh again."

"Doc Murray should be here with the good shit in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ..."

"I wish they'd hurry. If I'm not traded before September 1, I can't play in any post-season games."

"What's it going to be Mr. Murphy? Do Sally and I have your blessing or do I have to skull-fuck you in front of my future mother-in-law? Take your time, I've got all day."

"Man, I love prison"

"Any of youse know how to tell time?"

- In an unusual gesture to aggrieved and homeless victims of infamous Ponzi swindler Bernard Madoff, sympathetic federal prison officials have permitted a lottery-awarded 'death watch' in Butner, N.C. to a token four of many thousands. -

"Okay, okay ! Chance at Jefferson. Old 'Dollar Bill' ! Exception that proves the rule....And be Christmas before that 'un shows."

"Well, the zombies will be here in about 35 minutes. There's nothing to do but drink the last of the wine and wait. Also, Ned, you always said you would read my screenplay -- it's right there."

"As many seconds as you'll ever need, MacGruber.


"Don’t worry, I told the Kool-aid man to meet us here in five minutes."

"The 'hour' here is unseen ! You give me a frickin' stopwatch, dummkopf ?!"

"Oh, only...see now...'bout nine year fifty-one half week your case, smarty ! Frickin' cheap-ass hack-blade yours sure hell played fool to that titanium !"

"Obama ?! Visit ?! No way in hell, fool ! ... Another thing : penal reform not exactly priority now'days."

"Oh, well we better get going. The babysitter said she had to be home by midnight. Thanks again for having us over!"

"I'm in here for stealing this watch."

"Thanks for coming. My hanging's in one hour and I need three more murders to make an even ten."

"We should head out to dinner. Unless you want to be here when my criminally insane roommate gets home from work."

"I get it, you bought a Mondrian! Congratu-fucking-lations! Can we leave yet?"

"The self-locking shower doors seem to put off our Jewish overnight guests. Well, it's getting late."

"The showers here are obscene. (You know, because of all the rape. On that note, it's getting late and I should get back to work. Running a mom-and-pop prison is a lot of responsibility. I mean, these prisoners aren't going to rape themselves! No, seriously, the majority of prison rape is committed not by prisoners but by guards. Surprising but true. Of course, few of these crimes are ever prosecuted. Privatization FTW!) ...Obscenely fun.

these 3-way sex therapy sessions really feel confining.

"I think it's really great that they let you guys undergo gender reassignment surgery in here. I say there should be more transgenders behind bars. Just look at what you've done to the place."

"Hey, if you can't tell time, don't do the crime."

"How bright are those security 'kliegs', to throw shadow like that !"

"What do you say we wrap up this conjugal visit

"What do you say we wrap up this conjugal visit in five minutes?"

"Boy, time flies when you're gonna die. But seriously, thanks for coming to my execution tonight."

I came here for the magazines, but they never have the New Yorker...

"Officially I'm in here for holocaust denial. But truth is I'm being persecuted for rimming a life-size chocolate Santa Claus."

We have about 5 minutes until the cafeteria runs out of Ambrosia salad.

"This watch must have been made in China. Check out the window behind you and see if it's a sunset beyond Golden Gate Bridge."

Well, folks, it's been fun. Who knew terminal cancer would be the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm springing out of here in, hey it's exactly 1:03, what irony!

You get $155 an hour and you can't freshen up the Chex Mix? I found a quarter, paper clip and a ticket stub for the movie Beaches in here. $2 bucks for a matinee? Boy, how time flies.

"'What time is it?' Time to buy yourself a new shiv."

NOTE I have picked winners for last week's Anti-Cap Contest and, just for fun, created several new honorable mention categories. (You have to see it to believe it!)

Why, you're right...sitting here awkwardly in this prison lounge IS almost as dreary as endlessly waiting for our captions to be judged!

I still don't understand the correlation between 5 o'clock and man's beard. If a beard cast a shadow, how would you see it under all that hair?

"Sing-Sing a song ! Sing out loud ! Si.. Ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!h... What ? You don't think that was funny ? I thought it was funny. ... Gee whiz !"

"It's eight forty-five in Memphis, and I guarantee you there is someone in a donut shop having a stale long john from yesterday with bad coffee that is enjoying themselves a hell of a lot more than I am."

" 'No way in hell'?! Hey, I don't know why you'd say Obama couldn't possibly pay a li'l visit here ! I mean, didn't he 'cover' our condition here...huum, see now, only July 15 last summer, exactly...huum, see now, 403 days, 11 hours, and....and exactly 37 minutes ago ? Him AND Michelle ! So him AND Miceelle to show up here 'within the walls', so to speak, wouldn't be too far fetched, would it ?"

[Michelle !]

"You ever hear of EBONY, hunh ?! Hunh, fool ?! EBONY !! ... So 'turn about is fair play', right ? ... What I al'ays heard !"

"So if Reagan this 'great communicator', why couldn't HE speak to us poor little schoolchildren when we was small ? I know they was something we all was good at besides of bullying,'pinching', and copping feels. Then maybe we don't end up here ! 'We coulda been somebodies' ! Ever think of that? ......I hate Reagan."

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