August 3, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #203


Posted by Daniel Radosh


"I don't know; I guess it's an Eliot Spitzer satire? Now lie back; your semen will water our crops."

"This will hurt me more than it will …er, well, no, actually it will hurt you more."

"Answer me this: Why did you come to Juneau?"

"Not so swift now, eh, Gulliver?"

"So, how did you come by that name, Evrolet Boy?"

You think this is odd, the Houyhnhnms are a bunch of furries. Of course, you'll never know since you won't survive the ass-raping in Brobdingnag.

I'm not afraid of your tiny leather chicks with whips, or your legions of slutty army wenches, or the gay bears in speedos, or the decrepit ancient mummies who are into rope bondage, or...

Wait. Is that a frat boy with a beer helmet?

Oh, fuck!

Fusilliput, you crazy bastard!

"I crawled down your pants earlier and took a look around. Don't wanna hurt your feelings, but fucking me is an option."

Because I'm Lilly and you're staying put.

Before we continue, you owe us $37,842. Pervert.


"Look, I'm aware there is no way our tiny ropes and miniature steaks can hold you down, but if you just go with it a little longer you can get up and stomp as many people as you want and I'll just tell the king it was an accident."

"Oh, Silly, don't be scared. It's waxed with a hint of cinnamon. I simply cannot emphasize enough the importance of flossing."

"Ease up on the crotch ropes, you two! If he sprouts wood we're all done for!"

"The next hair I pull out won't be from your head, pretty boy."

"You're into humiliation, eh? Big surprise. I still can't believe the WNBA makes you New England players wear this shit during the game."

You are badly injured. We've attempted to immobilize you. Try to relax until the ambulance arrives.

No? How about if I whip you here? Can you feel that?

Welcome to the event we call "Burning Man".

Don't judge US, Mr. I-have-buckles-on-my-shoes.

"Okay, Gulliver... The safe word is 'rice cake'."

"Yeah... we Lilliputians don't get many visitors... but when we do we make it a visit to remember."

"Oh, maybe I DID type the memo wrong. I thought you were an ogre but I must have typed the word 'orgy'. That would explain everyone else's costume."

"So the governor says, "Why can't we Lilliputians have a little fun when we capture the next giant. I guess we are a little perverted, but boy, we are going to have some fun."

"Don't try to deny it. We know just who you are Señor Almodóvar."

Say hello to my leetle friend, and my leetle neighbors, and my leetle family members, and some leetle folks I went to high school with, and, well, you get the idea.

Say hello to my leetle friend, and my leetle neighbors, and my leetle family members, and some leetle folks I went to high school with, and, well, you get the idea.

Didn't you hear? Flynt Enterprises took over The New Yorker. Malcolm Gladwell has a piece on ethnic disparities in the bikini wax industry and Susan Orlean has an article about asexual cats.

"Okay, ladies, time to see if this guy's gigantic penis will fit into any of our vaginas!"

[Side note: this is the first ACC picture in a very long time that has made me laugh on its own. It doesn't really need a caption.]

"Welcome to Dateline NBC, sucka!"

"The whores here are obscene."

"Welcome to our village. We are the Village People!"

"Hey buddy... My face is up here!"

"Not laughing, eh? I guess we'll have to *prove* that male rape jokes are funny."

Nice ponytail, fag.

"You're in a pissy mood. What crawled up your ass? Was it Jennifer?"

...i swear the Madonna Sticky & Sweet tour was off the hook.

"You giants are all closet submissives."

"You typed in 'S&M' and `8-inch members'. Stop blaming Google."

"My name is Pussy Galore."

"Will that be Visa or Mastercard?"

"Could you tighten the ropes over my crotch, please?"

"Okay, everyone! Let's make this the best Macy's Fetish Day Parade ever!"

"Christ, what an ENORMOUS asshole."

"I am haunted by the gigantic faces of my victims."

I brought a shitload of midgets. Do you mind?

"So you've settled the large end/small end question, then?"

"Maybe Jack Chick's Illustrated Classics weren't such a good idea after all."

"Laying there, I imagined how easily I could snap the threads that bound me to the earth and toss the minuscule deviants to their doom. And yet, when I saw her tiny but strangely ample bosom heaving before me, I found to my surprise that I didn't want to."

"It is quite apparent that we were drawn by someone to whom the S&M community is naught but a bunch of laughable stereotypes culled from other shallow, secondary sources, and presented to elicit nothing more than some adolescent snickering. If he had sufficient curiosity to explore the subject, he might find we are for the most part a diverse group of closely-knit, adventurous, generous and genuine people. As is so often the case with such jealous onlookers, he would rather sit on the sidelines and mock those of us who think life is actually for living rather than get up off his pimply fat ass and experience an authentic life himself -- something we used to demand of our artists and writers. The problem is then that such cowardice leads to ignorance and delusion, and the kind of provincial smugness based in shame and fear which now passes for sophistication in Generalissimo Bloomberg's New York City."

Oh shit. "Closely-knit" was supposed to get deleted in the above caption. Fuck me.

"You amateurs - my asshole is on the other side. I want my tiny money back. Unless you wanna just shove a couple more mummies up there, on the house."

"Hey, who lives in that big castle?"

"Wow, you really must have tied one on last night. Everybody's coming to help. Dont worry, we'll have you up in no time; We're working as fast as we can."

"And for an extra $100, one of us will crawl up your ass and whip your prostate."

"Are you sure you can remember all 400 safe words?"

"You have to go to the WHAT?"

"To be honest, even I'm not sure why the mummies are here."

"Heh, at first it was just one giant high-heel at the end of the block, but now my neighbors see what it leads to... although why I'm telling you this I have no idea."

"The haras here are obsce..... What ? HARRASSES ? .....Okay, never mind !"

"You're approach to the castle is delayed. Please observe the holding pattern: Over, under, over, under."

I don't like you because you're a giant.

"For the last time, we prefer to be called LITTLE PEOPLE."

"We assumed you were from the neighboring island, and wanted to make you feel welcome with an act of Houyhnhnm-eroticism."

"You're not weaseling your way out of this. I don't believe for a minute you misheard us. We clearly ordered you to eat us OUT."

"And now, slave, go piss on the castle. That's right, you heard me."

"What ? Why, of all the ... ! Fat chance of that ! No, you were distinctly told it was the Imax people scheduled ! I-M-A-X ! Imax people !"

"And don't be tying off no goddamned slu. ....er, slip knots, neither, you hear ?!"

"Steamboat"? Already? You know you aren't getting a refund, right?

You forgot the honorable mentions!

"Sorry about the mixup. We assumed you were a masochist because you flew in on JetBlue."

- The H-O-R-R-O-R-S, horrors, here are unseen. Repeat : unseen ! -

Jesus Christ, what an asshole!

"It's too heavy. We'll never be able to drag this statue of our vanquished pimp through the streets in symbolic disgust."

Hey there big guy.

I have an immodest proposal. Um, just wait, that was a different one, wasn't it?

"This 'll show the Frenchie ! Nobody calls us L'il Putains ! Nobody ! How you like that ?! ...Fricking 'frogs' !"

Just lie back and think of England...

Oh bondage, up yours!

"Is that a Brobdingnagian in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

"If you insist on wearing breeches and a ponytail, you're going to have to expect a little S & M."

"We're sorry, Mario, but your princess is in another castle. Also, maybe you shouldn't have eaten those mushrooms."

"I have anticipated your attempt to stage my murder as a suicide, à la Henry H. Klein, Frank Olson, and Albert Bogard, or an accidental suicide à la Dorothy Kilgallen and Marilyn Monroe, by ensuring everyone well knows my personal philosophy of positive thinking and avoidance of drugs and alcohol. Granted, instead you will concoct a "car accident" or "accidental police shooting" scenario to silence me; at least I will go out with the knowledge that I made you work for your blood money, you miniature lapdogs, you tiny dancing monkeys, you pathetic puny errand boys for grocery clerks."

"Jerrold over there is explaining the rules of cricket. Now I suggest you pay attention. Got it?"

"I'm only going to say this once, so listen up...the safe word is 'Houyhnhnm.'"

Johnny V--"Hey buddy... My face is up here!" would be a great submission to the actual contest.

"I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you've been suspended...STEROIDS!"

"No, we said prophylaxis, not prophylactic. So look in the mirror, open wide and we'll floss your rocks off."

"I'm not sure what it means, but Bill Clinton is on his way."

"Too big to fail, Mr Citibank? We'll show you too-big-to-fucking fail!"

I will whip your eyeballs.

"I remember once listening to some charming mess, an important player in the terminally unhip world of the New York theater, expound with that kind of ironclad conviction only a mostly clueless leader of completely clueless followers can produce. 'Sado-Masochism is wrong!' he boomed. 'Those people need to keep pushing the limits further and further every time, until they risk their lives! It's never enough for them.' He was like many in his milieu and generation, married with children while flirting with cute boys, mostly at the prestigious summer theater he retreated to between his many lucrative dramatic-comic film cameos. All in all, adorable. I'd have happily tied him up in a sling and teased his asshole with a buttplug until he begged me to rip him in half with a monster strap-on."

The reason there aren't balloon floats in Gay Pride parades.

Exactly the reason I always thought there should be.

"Got yah."

"Sorry - we thought you were Elliot Spitzer."

Next time, take the time to download the iSextant app and you won't get so hopelessly lost.

"David Carradine? Yeah, I knew him. He was a great customer."

I wonder if any of these women has a vagina large enough for my penis.

"Here at Lilliputian S&M, we believe the accumulation of small pleasures is far more gratifying than any one big thrill."

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contestants finally had enough of waiting for their submissions to be reviewed. Among them was DeMarcus Ware of the Dallas Cowboys, several members of the Pussycat Dolls and Captain Kangaroo in a pair of boxers adorned with cherry hearts and candy canes for all the children.

The name's Millicent Rooker, and you're about to get tolchocked, Gulliver.

"Keep in mind, it's going to be hard for me to hear the safe word once I'm that far up your asshole."

"See, this is why I should've won a Grammy for my audiobook It Takes a Village to Jerk Off a Gargantuan Masochist."

"Nice work, douchebag. Another idyllic masturbatory fantasy ruined by errant thoughts of your mummy."

"We may seem unnaturally tiny, but in fact, this is just the second stage of Devolution. The first stage is that if a problem comes along, you must whip it."

"Please don't stare at my breast. You're making me uncomfortable."

Just pick last week's caption, Daniel, and this all goes away.

"Look. Relax. We're just filming a porno called Gullible's Travels


Yo, al-in-la! Daniel's teetering again. Work your magic.

The bigger they come...

"We'll untie you if you agree to be the float for our Gay Pride parade. Our Gay Mummy Pride parade."

Now is the time fir ak good men to come to the aid of their party.

Now is the time for all fgood men to come to the aid of their partuty.

noe is the time for all goood mento come to th aid of their party.


"We have a very strict No Ponytails On Guys


"Fleischer Studios invented the Rotoscoping process, basically tracing live action film frame by frame to get a realistic animation effect, and used it to create the title character in their 1939 classic film 'Gulliver's Travels.' The result is magical. On the other hand, when an artist resorts to tracing one element in a single-panel cartoon it looks tacky and out-of-place, with realistic detail and perspective side-by-side with crude or stylized sketching. To this observer the practice highlights a general lack of technical training or just plain laziness."

"I hope you're not a size queen."

"Hey, I don't want to accuse or anything but have you seen my pants?"

"That reminds me, funny story--oh, wait, here comes Victor. Try to act surprised when he fucks your tear duct."

"Carving up shipwrecked giants is a 40 billion shilling a year industry."

- Only recently discovered and authenticated, an early sketch for GULLIVER'S GAMBOLS, an ambitious Cecilia 'B' De Vile product never actually transferred to the silver screen for lack of sufficient venture capital during the depression years of the thirties. -

[Parents are encouraged to boycott merchants upon whose shelves 'puzzle pieces' of the above ilk have recently come to be offered to the view and actual purchase of immature audiences.]

"We have children here with cancer, and we think you can help. We're going to cut off your ponytail."

"I get it; it's like `Locks of Love'. You're giving my hair to the kids."

"No - we're giving your bone marrow to the kids. But no kid wants marrow from a fag."

"Our motto is: WWDMFD: What Would David Marc Fischer Do?


[R.I.P. David F.]

"Lick my boot, you worthless piece of garbage. And this time, try a little less saliva and a little less exhaling."

"Look, we actually got this thing we've got to get to. We'd invite you, but you're not really dressed for it.

"Spit her out, dammit! You can't eat a woman like that."

"One pill makes you larger,
And one pill makes you small,
And the Viagra this motherfucker gave you,
Made the rest of us your doll."

"And after the spanking, the oral sex!"

"Don't worry, we use a local anesthetic so you can't feel when we cut off your penis. It's going to make a terrific new tower to our castle."

This is what you get for fucking all those sentient horses.

"Okay. 'City on a hill', I'll concede. But show me where it says, like, 'shining city on a hill' ! You have to be, like, some 'star' -(what the !)- lying hypocrite Whitehall 'politico' -(what the !) - to come up with any shining 'baloney' - (what the !)... You know, to maybe help set yourself up in a 'White House' -(what the !)...'Tongues', likely. ....I get that."

"Don't look at me like that. You knew I was a kinky little bitch when you married me."

"Tra-la ! ... It's true ! It's true ! I know it looks a bit bizarre - Tra-la ! - but in Camelot, Camelot, it's what renditions are.......Tra-la !"

"BEACH 'scene'...so NOW you pronouncin' ?!"

"Hurry up and finish will ya, Stud? Some of us got to get to our day job in the butcher's display case. Don't ask ..."

The mummies, they are some former black pharaohs of Kush. Does that count ?

The 'eros' here is obscene !

"I honestly have no idea what is going on here."

"What were you saying about a 'no strings attached' relationship, Biatch?"

"I heard there was going to be unlimited juice?"

"Useful guys. Really fucking useful. This floss is really going to hold me down good, especially when it's nailed into the ground with tent pegs. And why the fuck are you guys so small and why are your girls so skanky and who the fuck is that guy dressed like a gay-biker?"

"Mr. Radosh, you'll thoroughly enjoy working for your new masters."

"Yeah yeah yeah—every guy thinks he has the world's largest dick."

"We've run out of mascara, but how about some eye lashes?"

I myself have been a frequent contributor to this contest and feel obliged to thank Daniel Radosh for his work over the years on its behalf, even though I guess I never had much chance of winning the thing.

Like 'Anonymous,' I, too, suffer with the fact that I will never have a chance of winning "this thing."

All I can say is, "Damn you, great-great-great-great grandfather Orville Q. Anonymous, for emigrating from your homeland and settling down in a place which, even now, has not fully opened its precious doors to all. Or something."

Totally Rockin' it.. "Kade Style"

"You've been a very bad metaphor, haven't you?!"

"That's because what happens in Lilliput STAYS in Lilliput.."

"Sorry about all the ropes, but funny story..nobody can find our pair of enormous fuzzy handcuffs.."

"I'm not sure we have enough of the little blue pills to make this worth your while.."

"Wait, you're saying you just wanted the massage?"

"We're greeting you as libertines."

" 'Eres para mi, me lo ha dicho el viento, Eres para mi....'" [singing]

"Welcome to Fantasy Island, Mr. Bondage."

"52.56 N - 66.52 W ? What, Labrador ?! No, this Libido, fellow, L-I-B-I-D-O ! Hey, whaddya know, 'girls' ?! 'Colum...', er, 'Colossus' here thought he was in Labrador -- 52.56 N -66.52 W ! ... Talk about deaf !"

Welcome to the OC, bitch.

"Can I tell you the truth. I fuckin' hate cheese"

"Hey Mouse, is that a 44 Regular? Cool"

"Don't you realize that while you're doing this to me, The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest is going to shit?"

"More important, however, is what I learned about my hormones."

"You freaks wash up on the beach - yes, beach ! - seems like every August, don't you ? Well, this year we gonna fix your butt good, freak, 'stead of burying you to the chin for the crabs - like them, what, five or six freaks we fixed last summer, hunh, gals ?! 'Fixed' is right ! .....And by crabs, he! he!, I'm not talking exact crabs some you gals picked up wherever, ha! ha!.... No ! Not exact crabs at all, ha! ha !"

"Get ready for the flossing of a lifetime, big boy."

"Execute the un-judged Caption Contest infidel!" (He is not really a giant, just larger than life to we little people....)

"What the — ?"

"You know that weird feeling you have in your stomach? His name is Bruce."

"Lilliputians? No, we're the Latexputians."

"This is what you get for suffocating Cindy. I told you the Cleveland Steamer wasn't an option."

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