The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #202

No, I'm jack-OFF in the box. Now show me your cans.

Posted by: therblig | July 27, 2009 9:52 AM

"Ve Germans haf a sense of da humor. I show you - pop goes Elie Wiesel!"

Posted by: Damon | July 27, 2009 10:07 AM

"The dick hole is in the back. I thought this was a men only beach."

Posted by: Rock Backjack | July 27, 2009 10:09 AM

Move your feet.

Posted by: JohnnyB | July 27, 2009 10:17 AM

I think outside the box all year at work. This is vacation.

Posted by: JohnnyB | July 27, 2009 10:17 AM

"Honey, get in here now! That giant walnut in the sky can go right through that umbrella!"

Posted by: Glenn | July 27, 2009 10:17 AM

I stretching the boundaries of mime. Look, I'm in a box.

Posted by: JohnnyB | July 27, 2009 10:19 AM

"That genie is a fucking laugh riot."

Posted by: Damon | July 27, 2009 10:22 AM

A cloud that looks like a shark? That's what you called me out of the box for? No, I don't want to see a fucking cloud that looks like a fucking shark.

Posted by: JohnnyB | July 27, 2009 10:22 AM

I'll move my box when you move yours.

Posted by: boneguy_97 | July 27, 2009 10:23 AM

I'm going downstairs. You want anything?

Posted by: JohnnyB | July 27, 2009 10:26 AM

"How much more of this thing do I have to eat before we can get married?"

Posted by: Damon | July 27, 2009 10:37 AM

"Honey, sometimes I feel like I live in an ice-cube, and the horizon to my world is nothing but the edge of drink glass, and you, you're nothing but a plastic stirrer forgotten under a fully functioning tiny paper umbrella, and this mystery repeats endlessly, the tiny glass next to you reminding us of our plight just like how the universe makes an atom feel so small. What I'm trying to say is I need a little more from you."

Posted by: Jean-Paul | July 27, 2009 10:42 AM

"Look, do what you want, but don't come crying to me when you get a melanoma the size of salad plate."

Posted by: Jared S. | July 27, 2009 11:15 AM

*a salad plate

Posted by: Jared S. | July 27, 2009 11:16 AM

I guess I just haven't been able to relax since the lawn jarts accident.

Posted by: LK | July 27, 2009 11:28 AM

S'awriiiiight!

Posted by: therblig | July 27, 2009 11:28 AM

"I showed you my chest, you show me yours."

Posted by: Brian L | July 27, 2009 11:28 AM

"Nothing I say can be funnier than the anagrammed version of the cartoonist's name...Leaky Fartz!"

Posted by: Kathy H | July 27, 2009 11:37 AM

"Sure, I'll let go of your feet... just as soon as we reach the other side of the Channel. Now get swimmin'."

Posted by: Vance | July 27, 2009 12:01 PM

Have you seen a giant ball of dough for calzones? The Mexicans I hired keep using it for volleyball.

Posted by: Dirk McGirk | July 27, 2009 12:03 PM

"eHarmony is great. who would've thought a couple of amputees like us could find true love. Did you remember to bring the skateboard so I could push myself to the ocean? Papa needs to pee."

"there's like 70 cans of Pepsi in here and not a single Fresca"

Posted by: Dirk McGirk | July 27, 2009 12:09 PM

"Look, alls I'm saying is that the Obamas will here in a few weeks, so you better vamoose by then. �Comprende?"

Posted by: Tim H | July 27, 2009 12:13 PM

"That is an attractive one-piece. Had you not informed me, I never would have known you just had a mastectomy."

Posted by: J.D. | July 27, 2009 12:40 PM

" ... and then God said, 'Oh no -- now all the fish will smell like bacterial vaginosis!'"

Posted by: J.D. | July 27, 2009 12:45 PM

"They're going to want me to judge The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #201. Why do you think I'm hiding in here?"

Posted by: NJtoTX | July 27, 2009 12:47 PM

"Fierce tuck."

Posted by: J.D. | July 27, 2009 12:49 PM

"Great idea. I don't leave this box and you don't leave that towel until the US stops funding Palestinian apartheid and genocide."

Posted by: J.D. | July 27, 2009 12:54 PM

i show up every week to apologize for my son's irreverent commentary. btw, you're about due for a waxing. your bajingo has a 5 o'clock shadow and it's scaring all the metrosexuals off the beach. i personally prefer a clean table when i show up to JapanTown for my sushi reservation. i seriously don't know where my son gets it from.

Posted by: J.D. Sr | July 27, 2009 1:18 PM

This *is* Pismo Beach? Great! I corrected my route from last time and took a *left* at Albuquerque.

Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | July 27, 2009 1:47 PM

"Maybe you could help me dig through this trash barrel where you think you lost your contact lens? No? Well fuck it. We're through."

Posted by: mypalmike | July 27, 2009 2:29 PM

"I drowned a couple of midgets and I'm hiding from the cops. Do you mind?"

Posted by: mypalmike | July 27, 2009 2:42 PM

"Who let the dogs out? Who, who who, who who?

Posted by: Dirk | July 27, 2009 2:43 PM

Wanna buy a lid? And 4 sides and a bottom? Trust me, if you're stoned, it's funny as hell.

Posted by: therblig | July 27, 2009 2:45 PM

"I'm your compost, baby. Spread me on your garden."

Posted by: Lenny | July 27, 2009 2:47 PM

Give up? I'm Boxy Frown. You know, Spoonerism Charades isn't really as much fun as I thought it would be.

Posted by: therblig | July 27, 2009 2:47 PM

Sorry to fuck up your little experiment, Mrs. Schrodinger, but I really really have to pee.

Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | July 27, 2009 3:02 PM

What's the SPF on this sunblock?

Posted by: Blue Sponge | July 27, 2009 4:06 PM

"That's smart, Edie. The first place cops look is on top of the umbrella."

Posted by: Rob | July 27, 2009 4:50 PM

"I'm glad you're enjoying the beach, but seriously-- living with mental illness is fucking terrifying."

Posted by: Christian | July 27, 2009 5:44 PM

"The hours here are obscene. More important, however, is what I learned about myself. But next time, just knock."

Posted by: Richard H | July 27, 2009 5:58 PM

"I hope this proves, Sharon, that I'm perfectly comfortable coming to the beach in my Star Trek uniform. Can we go now?"

Posted by: Richard H | July 27, 2009 5:59 PM

"Don't you hate it when you get sand in your box?"

Posted by: Richard H | July 27, 2009 6:01 PM

Honestly Cindy, I don't know how me re-enacting my Hanoi torture will get you off.

Posted by: Joey B. | July 27, 2009 7:35 PM

I spend thousands of dollars on this realistic female doll and I wind up spending more time playing with the box it shipped in than having sex with it. Go figure.

Posted by: Jeff | July 27, 2009 8:12 PM

"Christ! This is worse than trying to go to the bathroom on an airplane."

Posted by: Rob | July 27, 2009 8:16 PM

"I couldn't help but notice you staring at my package."

Posted by: LV | July 27, 2009 8:31 PM

The term 'deep freeze' is misleading Murriel. I mean look at this shit.

Posted by: kevin douglas | July 27, 2009 9:38 PM

I'm sorry, Colonel Saito, but British Officers will not do manual...look, honey, if you're not into the whole Kwai fantasy you should've said something before I locked myself in the box.

Posted by: therblig | July 27, 2009 9:46 PM

"Sure, you got the car, the mansion, the private island... but I got the box! Oh man, this is soooooo fun in here. Too bad you'll never know."

Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | July 27, 2009 11:12 PM

"Hah! I'd like to see that bully try to kick sand on me now!"

Posted by: Rubrick | July 28, 2009 1:21 AM

Camel toe!

Posted by: Steve_O | July 28, 2009 2:25 AM

"To masturbate! What other possible reason could I have?"

Posted by: Steve_O | July 28, 2009 2:26 AM

"Look, this is a tad awkward, but could you find a young boy and stuff him into this box with me? I'm thinking nine or ten, preferably blond."

Posted by: Mork | July 28, 2009 2:28 AM

"I don't wanna catch crabs."

Posted by: Mork | July 28, 2009 2:28 AM

"I've almost chiseled your feet from this large block of concrete. Thank god you didn't try this stunt at high tide!"

Posted by: Steve_O | July 28, 2009 2:30 AM

".......you move your right hand down and you squeeze it all about. You do the Hanky Spanky 'till the semen all comes out. That's what it's all about."

Posted by: Rob | July 28, 2009 7:41 AM

"I'm homeless."

Posted by: Steve_O | July 28, 2009 8:40 AM

"Before the intervention? I was the worst junky ever. I slept in garbage. My best friend was a worm. I'm not 100% yet, but I look forward to returning to Sesame St. with my head held high."

Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | July 28, 2009 8:40 AM

"Meanwhile, everyone wants to breathe, but no one can. Many say, 'We will breathe later.' They do not die because they are already dead."

Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | July 28, 2009 8:57 AM

"Are you finished with the sun tan lotion? I still need to do my legs."

Posted by: MAtt | July 28, 2009 9:28 AM

[in a Capt. Kirk voice]
"'William Shatner-as-Captain Krik in-a-box' at your service, ma'am!"

Posted by: MAtt | July 28, 2009 9:31 AM

[...make that, "Krik" both times.]

"Going down?"

Posted by: MAtt | July 28, 2009 9:32 AM

Shit. Make that "Kirk" both times. Actually, all three times. Plus this one makes four, total.

Posted by: MAtt | July 28, 2009 9:33 AM

"Babe, don't the scribbles left by the ebb and flow of the waves remind you of those pictures where that artist would hide the name of his wife or daughter, "NINA", in his pictures? What the fuck was that all about? NINA, NINA, NINA. Oh Yippee, I found a NINA. There's one in a bow tie or a skirt hem. I'm a winner! Frankly, I've always gravitated toward Cubism"

Posted by: Rich Lather | July 28, 2009 11:11 AM

"I live alone in a crappy grayscale box. a crappy grayscale box. a crappy grayscale box. Hey!"

Posted by: Brian L | July 28, 2009 11:37 AM

[Let's play How Many KRIKs Can We Find In MAtt's Entries?.]

Posted by: Kathy H | July 28, 2009 1:21 PM

"Billy Mays Here!!"

Posted by: Tim H | July 28, 2009 1:25 PM

"Thanks again for letting me keep the box your diaphragm came in."

Posted by: Damon | July 28, 2009 1:44 PM

"Farley Katz, that talentless freak, totally inverted the thumb on my left hand. But now he's in The New Yorker and I'm forced to live in this box. Where's the justice in that, I ask you?"

Posted by: mdoyle | July 28, 2009 2:48 PM

The first cardinal sign of an oncoming tsunami is an unexpected low tide that leaves fish and other sealife dangerously exposed. The second is my engorged cock making its way towards your nether regions at seveal hundred miles an hour.

Posted by: boneguy_97 | July 28, 2009 4:44 PM

On my pretend TV, I will now read your farewell speech as if it were a poem.

Posted by: JohnnyB | July 28, 2009 4:46 PM

"It's a `bombshell shelter'."

"Aw, I'm flattered! So, what's in the `bombshell shelter'?"

"Chloroform, left over from the `children's shelter'."

Posted by: Damon | July 28, 2009 6:15 PM

This isn't what I meant when I said I wanted to get inside your box.

Posted by: PastExpiry.com | July 28, 2009 6:25 PM

"NOW... Thank God... No black people will possibly be able to see THIS!"

" Donde es America?"

"You're bored?!!? Well I am Card Board!"

Posted by: Johnny V | July 28, 2009 6:36 PM

"Well, at least I can tell that guys that a strange girl let me in her box at the beach and not be a liar."

Posted by: David | July 28, 2009 10:11 PM

Ugh. I should have previewed that.

That should be...

"Well, at least I can tell the guys that a strange girl let me get into her box at the beach and not be a liar."

Posted by: David | July 28, 2009 10:14 PM

"Is this Pismo Beach? I'm supposed to meet a rabbit and a duck here."

Posted by: David | July 28, 2009 10:19 PM

"Give up? 'Thing' from the Addams Family. Wait, let me pull my head down."

Posted by: Lex | July 28, 2009 11:36 PM

"I said kickboxing, not boxkicking."

Posted by: LV | July 29, 2009 7:34 AM

Well, there's sand in my box too, but you don't see me saying no.

Posted by: Bronson Radish | July 29, 2009 9:30 AM

"My name? Corey Hart. May I wear your sunglasses tonight?"

Posted by: kevin douglas | July 29, 2009 9:39 AM

"Wow, Iraq sure has changed since my captors put me in this box."

Posted by: Francis | July 29, 2009 10:07 AM

"like sands through our boxes, so are the days of our lives"

Posted by: Gretchen | July 29, 2009 10:19 AM

"I don't get it. Despite the message Do Not Open 'til Christmas on the side, weren't you the least bit curious when a huge box washed up next to you a beach?"

Posted by: Kathy H | July 29, 2009 1:10 PM

[..."on a beach?"]

Posted by: Kathy H | July 29, 2009 1:12 PM

"Good thing there are no Palestinians here to see this ... since we have isolated in walled ghettos those we have not slaughtered."

Posted by: J.D. | July 29, 2009 3:28 PM

"BOX people ! B-O-X, box !"

Posted by: Sam L. | July 29, 2009 7:16 PM

"Geewilikers, Betty ! Swell recyclables' bin ! - Oh, by the way, according to a study released Wednesday, Louisiana beaches are the most contaminated for water quality in the whole rest of the states - Isn't that something ?...Say, gee ! Wouldya like to peek inside ?"

Posted by: Sam L. | July 29, 2009 8:41 PM

" 'Zee 'hors' her ees obsc`ene', how yew zay, mam'selle ?"

Posted by: Sam L. | July 29, 2009 9:45 PM

"Don't know about you, Lois. Golly. I'll just duck in this convenient receptacle to be on the safe side. That odd lemon-shaped spheroid advancing over the bay may just be Lex Lothar testing his latest flying device. Lothar, you must know, is a man who can never be trusted...Excuse me."

Posted by: Sam L. | July 29, 2009 10:10 PM

"It's a good thing there no 'snacks' here to blear us."

Posted by: Sam L. | July 29, 2009 11:48 PM

"I live in this box."

Posted by: Harry | July 30, 2009 12:48 AM

"Hey, can I borrow some sunblock? Thanks."

Posted by: Harry | July 30, 2009 12:49 AM

"Do you know where I can dump this shit? The excrement's are starting to pile up.

Posted by: Brian L | July 30, 2009 2:35 AM

"Well, Hon, to me traveling light does mean our old 32" cathode ray television in its original box."

Posted by: David John | July 30, 2009 2:42 AM

"It's a thandbox, and tell me I'm not thtill in Cuba."

Posted by: Rob | July 30, 2009 6:28 AM

Poor Roger Kaputnik. His "Pismo Beach" anti-caption got modified/dumbed by a later entrant, without even the courtesy of an acknowledgment.

Posted by: Umpire Strikes Back | July 30, 2009 8:58 AM

"I distinctly said sunblocks, NOT some box!"

Posted by: Kathy H | July 30, 2009 10:05 AM

Yeah, well I can see your box too.

Posted by: VinCoca | July 30, 2009 11:26 AM

"Looks like he escaped. Oh well, I was only 50-50 on owning a Pit Bull anyway. Let's not allow it to spoil our vacation."

Posted by: David John | July 30, 2009 3:51 PM

"If you see this nut, Richard Kimble, nearby, just knock on the box, OK?"

Posted by: Tim H | July 30, 2009 3:55 PM

"Dick? Dick is my father. I'm Richie. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | July 30, 2009 7:55 PM

So the President, a cop and a professor go into a bar -- hey, stop me if you've heard this one.

Posted by: Dex | July 31, 2009 12:14 AM

This isn't where I parked my car

Posted by: Moloch | July 31, 2009 3:44 AM

"You know, I was going to put on a comfortable bathing suit and sprawl out on a beach towel, but then I remembered I'm not a whore."

Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | July 31, 2009 4:09 AM

"Excuse me, miss, but I left my medicine bag on the plane -- do you happen to have any Xanax? Oh Jesus, another chapter of my life destroyed by crippling social anxiety."

Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | July 31, 2009 4:17 AM

�I think I�m stuck in this box, therefore I am.�

Posted by: Rob | July 31, 2009 6:06 AM

"Hey! I've been sawing away at this box for thirty minutes now; the birthday girl is puking her guts out, and I think the police have been called. Jump out of the fucking box!"

Posted by: Zach Brutsche | July 31, 2009 8:03 AM

"i am ashamed to be seen with you. nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands!"

Posted by: R.K. | July 31, 2009 10:48 AM

"You know Gwendolynn, this really wasn't what I pictured when you said 'Come to the beach with me and I'll let you get inside my box.'"

Posted by: karen from mentor | July 31, 2009 10:49 AM

"So, have you started your Boxing Day shopping yet?"

Posted by: Tim H | July 31, 2009 10:58 AM

"What the... This isn't China!"

Or

"Calvin's time machine worked differently after he reached puberty."

Posted by: Zach Brutsche | July 31, 2009 1:56 PM

..because I'm tired of all the guys only looking at YOU and saying "Nice box!"

Posted by: Greg Urbaitis | July 31, 2009 5:16 PM

"No you idiot. Not China. If I go straight down from Far Rockaway Beach, I''ll end up in the southern Indian Ocean, south of the lower eastern tip of Australia, at 40 degrees 35 minutes 15 seconds south and 106 degrees 16 minutes 56 seconds east. Don't wait up for me."

Posted by: Glenn | July 31, 2009 10:49 PM

- 106 degrees east puts you more like off the west coast of Australia -

Posted by: 'Mr. Picky' | July 31, 2009 11:32 PM

"Psst. Katz can't draw feet. Or clouds. Or water, I guess. Or whatever that tiki-looking thing by your head is. And is it just me, or is the sun having a seizure? Is that even the sun? Might just be a really crappy basketball. I'm sure I could tell you if someone had given me actual goddamn eyes."

Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | August 1, 2009 12:37 AM

"Excuse me. May I borrow your umbrella? I fear it might rain on my box."

Posted by: mypalmike | August 1, 2009 2:41 AM

"After the shipwreck, I was adrift at sea for 8 days in this box. I lost my legs to gangrene on day 5. I washed ashore here moments ago. And now I've just realized that you are Ann Coulter. So, could you please just push me back into the water so I can drift somewhere else?"

Posted by: mypalmike | August 1, 2009 2:52 AM

- If that's Ann Coulter, someone suddenly did pretty good implants, and she(?) cut 6" off her ends. -

Posted by: 'Mr. Picky' | August 1, 2009 8:38 AM

"Beach... The...Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the SandBox Enterprise. Her con...tinuing mission: to explore strange, new women... To... boldly go where, hopefully, not too many men have... gone before!

Posted by: Zach Brutsche | August 1, 2009 12:22 PM

"I still can't believe how selfish you are. Shipping my limbless torso in a crate in the cargo hold of a 747 to St. Thomas in the middle of my chemo treatment for my melanoma and putting me out in the sun in this box, using the hay you found inside to stuff in my shirt sleeve and slap atop my bald head as 'protection.' Just topple me over face-first into the water and let's be done with the whole thing. Sheesh."

Posted by: Josh J | August 1, 2009 3:14 PM

Seriously. Stop kicking me.

Posted by: v | August 1, 2009 3:36 PM

"That ? Ghost of Flight 800, miss. Before the crash with no survivors. Big draw for The Hamptons, you know. Bone 'll wash up now and then -not without interest to a scientist, of course. So if that 'll be all, I'm back to the digs."

Posted by: Anonymous | August 1, 2009 4:45 PM

This beach is ground zero for a nuclear test commencing in ninety seconds. Please head for one of the marked shelters before it's too late.

Posted by: Doug | August 1, 2009 6:57 PM

"Here's Johnny!"

Posted by: Jack | August 1, 2009 7:59 PM

"For godsake Marlene, push harder. You seem to regard the first cardboard box crossing of the channel as a mere intrusion on your vapid beach time. Have you no sense of greatness? Of the tides of history?"

Posted by: mort drucker | August 1, 2009 8:27 PM

"Holy crap this teleporter sucks. I keep programming it to take me back to the time of Jesus and it keeps washing me up on Club Med beaches. Hey...wait a minute...?"

Posted by: mort drucker | August 1, 2009 8:31 PM

"Hello. Tanning-Coach-In-a-Box here, back to remind you to tan sensibly and apply copious amounts of 'Tanning Coach' sperm to exposed skin, hourly for a safe and enjoyable tanning experience."

Posted by: mort drucker | August 1, 2009 8:36 PM

"And when I lost my legs in Nam, I told them to just ship me home in a box and they did. But I can see I'm boring you."

Posted by: Dave | August 1, 2009 10:22 PM

"I'm telling you there are no egg salad sandwiches in here. Obviously, you forgot to pack them."

Posted by: Dave | August 1, 2009 10:23 PM

"In Russia, box eats man."

Posted by: al in la | August 2, 2009 2:57 AM

"Honey, you'll never believe what's in here. ... A little black Muslim baby from Africa!"

Posted by: Joshua | August 2, 2009 11:24 AM

"Yeah ?! Well, let me tell you, when black people just naturally don't take to swimming, you can't rightly go crying segregation and exclusion around here, now can you ?!"

Posted by: Anonymous | August 2, 2009 7:26 PM

"Oh fer fuck's sake close yer eyes and point to pick the winning anti-caption. How fucking hard could it be??!!"

Posted by: J.D. | August 5, 2009 5:31 PM

"Honey? Why aren't we casting any shadows?

Posted by: Zach Brutsche | August 6, 2009 7:40 PM

SPF 90? What-EVER.

Posted by: Kate | August 7, 2009 3:54 PM

"David Marc Fischer is dead. Can't you get that through your thick blonde head?"

Posted by: Glenn W. | August 9, 2009 8:22 PM

Honey, It's a sad day in Cynicalville when the apparent suspension of a ridiculously-enjoyable diversionary little non-contest, can put a sad little kink in your work week. In the words of William Shatner, I realize I need to 'get a life'.

Posted by: The fourth J.D. | August 13, 2009 12:30 PM

"Holy Cow, I made it over Niagara Falls! Where am I?"

Posted by: stcoleridge | August 20, 2009 5:59 PM

"It IS hot, but it's got a very high SPF factor."

Posted by: stcoleridge | August 20, 2009 6:02 PM

"The world will end on Labor Day if there's no contest winner. I'm not going to stick around here to die!"

Posted by: C. Little | August 23, 2009 9:35 AM

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July 27, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #202

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