July 27, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #202

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Last week's results. •Rules and tips.


Posted by Daniel Radosh


No, I'm jack-OFF in the box. Now show me your cans.

"Ve Germans haf a sense of da humor. I show you - pop goes Elie Wiesel!"

"The dick hole is in the back. I thought this was a men only beach."

Move your feet.

I think outside the box all year at work. This is vacation.

"Honey, get in here now! That giant walnut in the sky can go right through that umbrella!"

I stretching the boundaries of mime. Look, I'm in a box.

"That genie is a fucking laugh riot."

A cloud that looks like a shark? That's what you called me out of the box for? No, I don't want to see a fucking cloud that looks like a fucking shark.

I'll move my box when you move yours.

I'm going downstairs. You want anything?

"How much more of this thing do I have to eat before we can get married?"

"Honey, sometimes I feel like I live in an ice-cube, and the horizon to my world is nothing but the edge of drink glass, and you, you're nothing but a plastic stirrer forgotten under a fully functioning tiny paper umbrella, and this mystery repeats endlessly, the tiny glass next to you reminding us of our plight just like how the universe makes an atom feel so small. What I'm trying to say is I need a little more from you."

"Look, do what you want, but don't come crying to me when you get a melanoma the size of salad plate."

*a salad plate

I guess I just haven't been able to relax since the lawn jarts accident.


"I showed you my chest, you show me yours."

"Nothing I say can be funnier than the anagrammed version of the cartoonist's name...Leaky Fartz!"

"Sure, I'll let go of your feet... just as soon as we reach the other side of the Channel. Now get swimmin'."

Have you seen a giant ball of dough for calzones? The Mexicans I hired keep using it for volleyball.

"eHarmony is great. who would've thought a couple of amputees like us could find true love. Did you remember to bring the skateboard so I could push myself to the ocean? Papa needs to pee."

"there's like 70 cans of Pepsi in here and not a single Fresca"

"Look, alls I'm saying is that the Obamas will here in a few weeks, so you better vamoose by then. ¿Comprende?"

"That is an attractive one-piece. Had you not informed me, I never would have known you just had a mastectomy."

" ... and then God said, 'Oh no -- now all the fish will smell like bacterial vaginosis!'"

"They're going to want me to judge The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #201. Why do you think I'm hiding in here?"

"Fierce tuck."

"Great idea. I don't leave this box and you don't leave that towel until the US stops funding Palestinian apartheid and genocide."

i show up every week to apologize for my son's irreverent commentary. btw, you're about due for a waxing. your bajingo has a 5 o'clock shadow and it's scaring all the metrosexuals off the beach. i personally prefer a clean table when i show up to JapanTown for my sushi reservation. i seriously don't know where my son gets it from.

This *is* Pismo Beach? Great! I corrected my route from last time and took a *left* at Albuquerque.

"Maybe you could help me dig through this trash barrel where you think you lost your contact lens? No? Well fuck it. We're through."

"I drowned a couple of midgets and I'm hiding from the cops. Do you mind?"

"Who let the dogs out? Who, who who, who who?

Wanna buy a lid? And 4 sides and a bottom? Trust me, if you're stoned, it's funny as hell.

"I'm your compost, baby. Spread me on your garden."

Give up? I'm Boxy Frown. You know, Spoonerism Charades isn't really as much fun as I thought it would be.

Sorry to fuck up your little experiment, Mrs. Schrodinger, but I really really have to pee.

What's the SPF on this sunblock?

"That's smart, Edie. The first place cops look is on top of the umbrella."

"I'm glad you're enjoying the beach, but seriously-- living with mental illness is fucking terrifying."

"The hours here are obscene. More important, however, is what I learned about myself. But next time, just knock."

"I hope this proves, Sharon, that I'm perfectly comfortable coming to the beach in my Star Trek uniform. Can we go now?"

"Don't you hate it when you get sand in your box?"

Honestly Cindy, I don't know how me re-enacting my Hanoi torture will get you off.

I spend thousands of dollars on this realistic female doll and I wind up spending more time playing with the box it shipped in than having sex with it. Go figure.

"Christ! This is worse than trying to go to the bathroom on an airplane."

"I couldn't help but notice you staring at my package."

The term 'deep freeze' is misleading Murriel. I mean look at this shit.

I'm sorry, Colonel Saito, but British Officers will not do manual...look, honey, if you're not into the whole Kwai fantasy you should've said something before I locked myself in the box.

"Sure, you got the car, the mansion, the private island... but I got the box!

Oh man, this is soooooo fun in here. Too bad you'll never know."

"Hah! I'd like to see that bully try to kick sand on me now!"

Camel toe!

"To masturbate! What other possible reason could I have?"

"Look, this is a tad awkward, but could you find a young boy and stuff him into this box with me? I'm thinking nine or ten, preferably blond."

"I don't wanna catch crabs."

"I've almost chiseled your feet from this large block of concrete. Thank god you didn't try this stunt at high tide!"

".......you move your right hand down and you squeeze it all about. You do the Hanky Spanky 'till the semen all comes out. That's what it's all about."

"I'm homeless."

"Before the intervention? I was the worst junky ever. I slept in garbage. My best friend was a worm. I'm not 100% yet, but I look forward to returning to Sesame St. with my head held high."

"Meanwhile, everyone wants to breathe, but no one can. Many say, 'We will breathe later.' They do not die because they are already dead."

"Are you finished with the sun tan lotion? I still need to do my legs."

[in a Capt. Kirk voice]
"'William Shatner-as-Captain Krik in-a-box' at your service, ma'am!"

[...make that, "Krik" both times.]

"Going down?"

Shit. Make that "Kirk" both times. Actually, all three times. Plus this one makes four, total.

"Babe, don't the scribbles left by the ebb and flow of the waves remind you of those pictures where that artist would hide the name of his wife or daughter, "NINA", in his pictures? What the fuck was that all about? NINA, NINA, NINA. Oh Yippee, I found a NINA. There's one in a bow tie or a skirt hem. I'm a winner! Frankly, I've always gravitated toward Cubism"

"I live alone in a crappy grayscale box. a crappy grayscale box. a crappy grayscale box. Hey!"

[Let's play How Many KRIKs Can We Find In MAtt's Entries?.]

"Billy Mays Here!!"

"Thanks again for letting me keep the box your diaphragm came in."

"Farley Katz, that talentless freak, totally inverted the thumb on my left hand. But now he's in The New Yorker and I'm forced to live in this box. Where's the justice in that, I ask you?"

The first cardinal sign of an oncoming tsunami is an unexpected low tide that leaves fish and other sealife dangerously exposed. The second is my engorged cock making its way towards your nether regions at seveal hundred miles an hour.

On my pretend TV, I will now read your farewell speech as if it were a poem.

"It's a `bombshell shelter'."

"Aw, I'm flattered! So, what's in the `bombshell shelter'?"

"Chloroform, left over from the `children's shelter'."

This isn't what I meant when I said I wanted to get inside your box.

"NOW... Thank God... No black people will possibly be able to see THIS!"

" Donde es America?"

"You're bored?!!? Well I am Card Board!"

"Well, at least I can tell that guys that a strange girl let me in her box at the beach and not be a liar."

Ugh. I should have previewed that.

That should be...

"Well, at least I can tell the guys that a strange girl let me get into her box at the beach and not be a liar."

"Is this Pismo Beach? I'm supposed to meet a rabbit and a duck here."

"Give up? 'Thing' from the Addams Family. Wait, let me pull my head down."

"I said kickboxing, not boxkicking."

Well, there's sand in my box too, but you don't see me saying no.

"My name? Corey Hart. May I wear your sunglasses tonight?"

"Wow, Iraq sure has changed since my captors put me in this box."

"like sands through our boxes, so are the days of our lives"

"I don't get it. Despite the message Do Not Open 'til Christmas on the side, weren't you the least bit curious when a huge box washed up next to you a beach?"

[..."on a beach?"]

"Good thing there are no Palestinians here to see this ... since we have isolated in walled ghettos those we have not slaughtered."

"BOX people ! B-O-X, box !"

"Geewilikers, Betty ! Swell recyclables' bin ! - Oh, by the way, according to a study released Wednesday, Louisiana beaches are the most contaminated for water quality in the whole rest of the states - Isn't that something ?...Say, gee ! Wouldya like to peek inside ?"

" 'Zee 'hors' her ees obsc`ene', how yew zay, mam'selle ?"

"Don't know about you, Lois. Golly. I'll just duck in this convenient receptacle to be on the safe side. That odd lemon-shaped spheroid advancing over the bay may just be Lex Lothar testing his latest flying device. Lothar, you must know, is a man who can never be trusted...Excuse me."

"It's a good thing there no 'snacks' here to blear us."

"I live in this box."

"Hey, can I borrow some sunblock? Thanks."

"Do you know where I can dump this shit? The excrement's are starting to pile up.

"Well, Hon, to me traveling light does mean our old 32" cathode ray television in its original box."

"It's a thandbox, and tell me I'm not thtill in Cuba."

Poor Roger Kaputnik. His "Pismo Beach" anti-caption got modified/dumbed by a later entrant, without even the courtesy of an acknowledgment.

"I distinctly said sunblocks, NOT some box!"

Yeah, well I can see your box too.

"Looks like he escaped. Oh well, I was only 50-50 on owning a Pit Bull anyway. Let's not allow it to spoil our vacation."

"If you see this nut, Richard Kimble, nearby, just knock on the box, OK?"

"Dick? Dick is my father. I'm Richie. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

So the President, a cop and a professor go into a bar -- hey, stop me if you've heard this one.

This isn't where I parked my car

"You know, I was going to put on a comfortable bathing suit and sprawl out on a beach towel, but then I remembered I'm not a whore."

"Excuse me, miss, but I left my medicine bag on the plane -- do you happen to have any Xanax? Oh Jesus, another chapter of my life destroyed by crippling social anxiety."

“I think I’m stuck in this box, therefore I am.”

"Hey! I've been sawing away at this box for thirty minutes now; the birthday girl is puking her guts out, and I think the police have been called. Jump out of the fucking box!"

"i am ashamed to be seen with you. nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands!"

"You know Gwendolynn, this really wasn't what I pictured when you said 'Come to the beach with me and I'll let you get inside my box.'"

"So, have you started your Boxing Day shopping yet?"

"What the... This isn't China!"


"Calvin's time machine worked differently after he reached puberty."

..because I'm tired of all the guys only looking at YOU and saying "Nice box!"

"No you idiot. Not China. If I go straight down from Far Rockaway Beach, I''ll end up in the southern Indian Ocean, south of the lower eastern tip of Australia, at 40 degrees 35 minutes 15 seconds south and 106 degrees 16 minutes 56 seconds east. Don't wait up for me."

- 106 degrees east puts you more like off the west coast of Australia -

"Psst. Katz can't draw feet. Or clouds. Or water, I guess. Or whatever that tiki-looking thing by your head is. And is it just me, or is the sun having a seizure? Is that even the sun? Might just be a really crappy basketball. I'm sure I could tell you if someone had given me actual goddamn eyes."

"Excuse me. May I borrow your umbrella? I fear it might rain on my box."

"After the shipwreck, I was adrift at sea for 8 days in this box. I lost my legs to gangrene on day 5. I washed ashore here moments ago. And now I've just realized that you are Ann Coulter. So, could you please just push me back into the water so I can drift somewhere else?"

- If that's Ann Coulter, someone suddenly did pretty good implants, and she(?) cut 6" off her ends. -

"Beach... The...Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the SandBox Enterprise. Her con...tinuing mission: to explore strange, new women... To... boldly go where, hopefully, not too many men have... gone before!

"I still can't believe how selfish you are. Shipping my limbless torso in a crate in the cargo hold of a 747 to St. Thomas in the middle of my chemo treatment for my melanoma and putting me out in the sun in this box, using the hay you found inside to stuff in my shirt sleeve and slap atop my bald head as 'protection.' Just topple me over face-first into the water and let's be done with the whole thing. Sheesh."

Seriously. Stop kicking me.

"That ? Ghost of Flight 800, miss. Before the crash with no survivors. Big draw for The Hamptons, you know. Bone 'll wash up now and then -not without interest to a scientist, of course. So if that 'll be all, I'm back to the digs."

This beach is ground zero for a nuclear test commencing in ninety seconds. Please head for one of the marked shelters before it's too late.

"Here's Johnny!"

"For godsake Marlene, push harder. You seem to regard the first cardboard box crossing of the channel as a mere intrusion on your vapid beach time. Have you no sense of greatness? Of the tides of history?"

"Holy crap this teleporter sucks. I keep programming it to take me back to the time of Jesus and it keeps washing me up on Club Med beaches. Hey...wait a minute...?"

"Hello. Tanning-Coach-In-a-Box here, back to remind you to tan sensibly and apply copious amounts of 'Tanning Coach' sperm to exposed skin, hourly for a safe and enjoyable tanning experience."

"And when I lost my legs in Nam, I told them to just ship me home in a box and they did. But I can see I'm boring you."

"I'm telling you there are no egg salad sandwiches in here. Obviously, you forgot to pack them."

"In Russia, box eats man."

"Honey, you'll never believe what's in here. ... A little black Muslim baby from Africa!"

"Yeah ?! Well, let me tell you, when black people just naturally don't take to swimming, you can't rightly go crying segregation and exclusion around here, now can you ?!"

"Oh fer fuck's sake close yer eyes and point to pick the winning anti-caption. How fucking hard could it be??!!"

"Honey? Why aren't we casting any shadows?

SPF 90? What-EVER.

"David Marc Fischer is dead. Can't you get that through your thick blonde head?"

Honey, It's a sad day in Cynicalville when the apparent suspension of a ridiculously-enjoyable diversionary little non-contest, can put a sad little kink in your work week. In the words of William Shatner, I realize I need to 'get a life'.

"Holy Cow, I made it over Niagara Falls! Where am I?"

"It IS hot, but it's got a very high SPF factor."

"The world will end on Labor Day if there's no contest winner. I'm not going to stick around here to die!"

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