The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #201
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.
First place
"That's a load of horseshit, Greg. If the firm thinks I'm so stupid, why don't they fire me instead of moving me to the roof? Because they NEED me, that's why. Tell them I'm pissed. And send someone to hook up my phone." Damon
Second place
"Fiddler on the roof? I barely even know 'er, outside of fiddling her on the roof. Why do you think my secretary and I relocated to the roof? Anyway, honey, I don't see what that has to do with the school play. Sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you, I'm on the roof." t.a.m.s.y.
Third place
"I'll get that report to you as soon as possible." Harry
Comments
"Never mind. The fire seems to have stopped."
Posted by: Francis | July 20, 2009 9:43 AM
"Hello, Graffiti Control? Yeah, Dick Cheney is tagging his name on the windows again. Can you do something about it this time??"
Posted by: Tim H | July 20, 2009 9:49 AM
"Well, I'm interviewing Evrolet Girl this morning and this is the only place I could find."
Posted by: Kathy H | July 20, 2009 9:52 AM
"Sorry to be a bother, but that pipe sticking out of the roof is no substitute for a toilet."
Posted by: Tim H | July 20, 2009 9:53 AM
"The hours here are...scenic
."Posted by: Kathy H | July 20, 2009 9:55 AM
"I just crapped in the vent pipe. Can you flush one of the toilets for me?"
"So, he moved my office to the roof so I could 'confront my fears'? I'm suicidal! This is more like enabling."
Posted by: MAtt | July 20, 2009 10:04 AM
"Context, Marty, context! I can't work without context. Oh wait, yes I can."
"Ah, you know, sniping's a helluva lot more paperwork than it used to be."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | July 20, 2009 10:08 AM
"I'm so lonely."
Posted by: Mike Mariano | July 20, 2009 10:09 AM
"No, no window, but it is a corner office."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | July 20, 2009 10:09 AM
"I can see my grave from here."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | July 20, 2009 10:16 AM
Good morning, Rubik and Company.
Posted by: therblig | July 20, 2009 10:50 AM
"That's a load of horseshit, Greg. If the firm thinks I'm so stupid, why don't they fire me instead of moving me to the roof? Because they NEED me, that's why. Tell them I'm pissed. And send someone to hook up my phone."
Posted by: Damon | July 20, 2009 11:11 AM
"Is the tiger still down there? Then I'm staying here."
"This is Fiedler, on the roof."
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 20, 2009 11:16 AM
"Harrison! The long hours of vigilance have paid off - the UFO finally landed on the roof of the next building over, just as we thought it would. Yeah, don't worry, I'm acting completely casual, totally normal..."
Posted by: Vance | July 20, 2009 11:18 AM
"Right smack dab in the middle of town, I found a paradise that's trouble proof. And if this world starts getting you down, there's room enough for two, up on the roof."
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 20, 2009 11:19 AM
"Someone totally fucking stole my computer."
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 20, 2009 11:21 AM
"Mildred, send up the next applicant. Yet another has failed the 'Don't Tip Back in That Chair' test."
Posted by: Vance | July 20, 2009 11:24 AM
"What do you mean, 'it's not a desk it a small rooftop window box'? In that case, look up and you can see my taint."
Posted by: Seymor Buttz | July 20, 2009 11:51 AM
"What do you mean, 'it's not a desk, it's a small rooftop window box'? In that case, look up and you can see my taint."
Posted by: Seymor Buttz Jr. | July 20, 2009 11:52 AM
"Honey, I'm sorry about last night when I said your pussy smelled like fish. But it was really funny when you said my cock smelled like pigeon. Random!"
Posted by: Damon | July 20, 2009 12:09 PM
...so now, according to the new employee health plan, people with fetid oozing sores are assigned to the "recovery" desk.
Posted by: Heather | July 20, 2009 12:40 PM
"Life. Could. Not. Be. Better.
Seriously.
Except when it rains."
Posted by: Chris | July 20, 2009 12:52 PM
No, it's not exactly a glass ceiling...
Posted by: therblig | July 20, 2009 1:01 PM
"Yes, I'm calling about the Emporer's new walls."
Posted by: Deborah | July 20, 2009 1:15 PM
I've decided that I don't need the garbage can either.
Posted by: Charles | July 20, 2009 1:37 PM
No, I'm not calling for Troubled Asset Relief Program funding - I want a fucking tarp to cover my desk.
Posted by: therblig | July 20, 2009 1:55 PM
"Hi Juanita - I'm going out to lunch. No, that doesn't mean I'll be eating at my desk. That joke never gets old. Know what else won't get old? Your son, because he's Mexican."
Posted by: Damon | July 20, 2009 2:25 PM
“They’re hoping this will help them locate the sniper.”
Posted by: Rob | July 20, 2009 3:01 PM
"No, he just left. He should be lying dead on the street by now."
Posted by: Dave | July 20, 2009 3:06 PM
"I could use a stapler, a ficus and, oh yes, an umbrella."
Posted by: Dave | July 20, 2009 3:07 PM
Claustrophobia Institute. Can I help you?
Posted by: TE | July 20, 2009 3:20 PM
“Well, I've kinda turned my home into my office.”
Posted by: Rob | July 20, 2009 3:37 PM
"I told them, `To get to the top of the company, I need my space.' They said, "Okay, Sam - I think we have just the solution for you." And then they fired me. Some people got shot. Listen, do you know anyone with a helicopter?"
Posted by: Damon | July 20, 2009 3:49 PM
"Honey, I did what you asked. So if a terrorist hijacks a Boeing 747 and flies it into the building, I'll be able to call you, so we can say our 'I love yous' and I won't die without being able to tell you, like those poor souls in the World Trade Center."
Posted by: Glenn | July 20, 2009 4:14 PM
"The company gave me a golden parachute. At least, I think they did. That's when they piss all over a parachute and send you to the roof, right?"
Posted by: Damon | July 20, 2009 4:24 PM
"They don't want to fire me just because I have H1N1 swine flu, AIDS, malaria, tuberculosis and hepatitis C. But I'm really not feeling well."
Posted by: NJtoTX | July 20, 2009 4:27 PM
"Outdoor Living Magazine. How may I direct your call?"
Posted by: Richard H | July 20, 2009 4:30 PM
"I told you not to call me at the roof."
Posted by: Richard H | July 20, 2009 4:32 PM
"Dr Walters, I think we need to rethink the location of my suicide counseling office."
Posted by: Richard H | July 20, 2009 4:35 PM
"I wouldn't mind the job if it wasn't for all corporate birdshit."
Posted by: Richard H | July 20, 2009 4:39 PM
"I told you I wanted a FOUR-drawer cabinet!!"
Posted by: Tim H | July 20, 2009 4:41 PM
"Thankfully I've got a great lawyer. He worked out a deal where I not only kept my job, but I'm allowed to continue masturbating at my desk whenever I want."
Posted by: Richard H | July 20, 2009 4:42 PM
"I think I should have waited for the tar to dry before moving everything up here."
Posted by: Kathy H | July 20, 2009 4:43 PM
The roof. The roof. The roof is on fire.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | July 20, 2009 4:43 PM
"Is this The Times?... God and the Devil have a pact!...I saw them together, in God's office! They're trying to silence me..."
Posted by: J.C. | July 20, 2009 4:44 PM
"The suicide success rate for this position is very high."
Posted by: MAtt | July 20, 2009 4:53 PM
“Hey, pal!all I need is a roof under my head.”
Posted by: Rob | July 20, 2009 5:15 PM
"Yeah, the fucking AC is out again it's like a sauna in my office. I'm up on the roof right now; at least I get a breeze up here."
"Hi, Stan? It's Ralph. It just occurred to me what if it rains? Maybe I didn't think this through as well as I should have."
Posted by: Rubrick | July 20, 2009 5:17 PM
"Who moved my chaise?"
Posted by: mypalmike | July 20, 2009 5:42 PM
"Hello? This is 477-1100, The-King-Of-All-I-Can See... that's right... No... Hey, I ordered over an hour ago...no... no... well, I'm not paying for the breadsticks then."
Posted by: jake | July 20, 2009 7:33 PM
"I think someone's watching me."
Posted by: jake | July 20, 2009 7:34 PM
"T. A. Winchler calling, and I've finally gotten more an upward promotion than a lateral move."
Posted by: LV | July 20, 2009 8:50 PM
"This should be ample room for my ego, thank you.
Posted by: Brian L | July 20, 2009 9:12 PM
"Thank you for calling God's earth office... Then I will inform him that the warranty on his car has run out, thank you."
Posted by: Brian L | July 20, 2009 9:17 PM
"In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have flirted with my boss's wife at the Christmas party. Or fucked his daughter at the company picnic."
Posted by: Steve_O | July 20, 2009 9:26 PM
I asked my dealer for "officees" but instead he gave me "roofies."
Posted by: LK | July 20, 2009 9:28 PM
"Fuck you, you fucking fuckball."
Posted by: djack | July 20, 2009 10:43 PM
"And the best thing, the very best thing of all, is there's time now... There's time enough at last. For stapling."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | July 20, 2009 11:32 PM
"Being television's Richard Deacon was no easy task let me tell you. Faking my own death was the best thing I ever did."
Posted by: J.D. | July 20, 2009 11:41 PM
"Yes, I'll hold."
Posted by: Joshua | July 20, 2009 11:41 PM
"Yes, but this is Waukegan, Illinois, so what the fuck does anything matter anyway?"
Posted by: J.D. | July 20, 2009 11:44 PM
"They said if I had just one more attack of explosive diarrhea in the office, I'd be out on my ass. I just can't chance it."
Posted by: Glenn | July 20, 2009 11:54 PM
Don't worry about me, hon. Think about the poor fuck who has to empty my wastepaper basket.
Posted by: boneguy | July 21, 2009 12:07 AM
Yes Ma, made it Ma, top of the world Ma. Do I have to do this EVERY morning?
Posted by: therblig | July 21, 2009 12:09 AM
I tell the clients looking to stave off foreclosure to just relax and lean back in the big comfy chair.
Posted by: boneguy | July 21, 2009 12:10 AM
"Remember yesterday when you walked out of the office and thought it was raining?"
Posted by: Steve_O | July 21, 2009 1:33 AM
"Oh, shit, I just realized- I'm not agoraphobic, I'm ACROPHOBIC!!"
Posted by: Steve_O | July 21, 2009 1:38 AM
"When I was around 25 years old I saw a man in his thirties on a hot, crowded bus to Jones Beach rhythmically caressing an exotic boy of 11 or 12, running his large adult hands up and down the lad's lithe, tan, shirtless torso continuously throughout the trip. The kid seemed thrilled, basking in the attention and sensual delight, even flashing a smug, gloating gaze at me as he caught me staring. No one else on that bus indicated they were the least bit concerned, perhaps assuming the two were father and son, or perhaps, like me, not wishing to interrupt their own or anybody else's incipent day at the beach in order to rescue a possible victim, who appeared to be the happiest person among us. I've often wondered if that boy suffered a tragic outcome due to his relationship with an old perv, or, if as is often the case in such matters, he grew up to be a well-adjusted adult, nurtured and tutored by his mature lover, with fond memories of his fully-realized, authentic childhood? Few pubescent boys are sexually innocent. I know I wasn't. Coincidentally one of my beach companions that day had from age 12 to 17 carried on an affair with a successful, generous man in his thirties. He therefore spent his high school years well-nourished, well-dressed, and well-cultured, enjoying opportunities his impoverished, uneducated, undocumented immigrant mother would never be able to supply in the world as it is. He ended up in a loving stable adult relationship, with a successful dual career in antique restoration and real estate. This shit ran through my head watching Michael Jackson's memorial service and anticipating the lucrative Michael Jackson sainthood industry to come. Doesn't America and the world give Michael Jackson a pass, because he in a way deconstructed pedophilia? Can we imagine Michael Jackson being sexually active with anyone other than a 12-year-old boy, or going any further than giggly mutual masturbation? Can we imagine those 12-year-old boys were in any way coerced into doing something they didn't want to do? Seduced, yes, manipulated, probably, but coerced? Yo, NAMBLA gives me the creeps, and kids need to be protected from dangerous predators; but childhood sexuality needs deeper thought and a calmer public discussion. Of course if that discussion is led by adults haunted by Judeo-Christian superstition and shame, it will always be stunted and fruitless."
Posted by: J.D. | July 21, 2009 1:42 AM
"Remember when I had an office with a roof and walls? And, oh yeah- those giant pencils. What was up with those? And that time I roasted marshmallows over a burning conference room table. Probably a mistake now that I think about it. Man- what a long, strange trip it's been."
Posted by: Steve_O | July 21, 2009 1:43 AM
"Finally -- an office big enough for the elephant in the room."
Posted by: J.D. | July 21, 2009 1:59 AM
"I don't know what happened. One minute Si Newhouse walks in and catches me weeping over pictures of slaughtered Palestinian children in Gaza and the next minute ... "
Posted by: J.D. | July 21, 2009 2:05 AM
…were thinking we’d need about twice the size order that we had last month….No, we’ll have to expedite delivery too. We have a customer who’s line down…Okay…I think air freight is the way to go…No, we can’t pay that….Actually, we were thinking about asking YOU for a volume discount based on the size…GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!....No, that was a pigeon. I wasn’t taking to you…I understand. Yeah, the economy’s hit us hard too. How about dropping the expedite charge and we’ll cover the air freight directly?....Great….Okay, so Wednesday’s when you ship or we receive?….Okay, that should work…Use P.O.# 576748…I’ll have to write it by hand. My computer’s down….Yeah, ten FLOORS down. That’s a good one, Sal….Best to your wife, too…Bye.
Posted by: Steve_O | July 21, 2009 2:40 AM
"It's such a lovely day. I decided to fire people al fresco."
Posted by: al in la | July 21, 2009 3:12 AM
"Mmm, yes... And what are you wearing?"
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | July 21, 2009 6:21 AM
"It's ironic how office life in the big city can at times be so isolating."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | July 21, 2009 6:27 AM
You know how there is only one Lord of the Ring? Only one who can bend it to his will? And he does not share power? Well, it turns out, neither does the VP of Marketing.
Posted by: Walt | July 21, 2009 7:37 AM
"Hey, it really is true what they say...I'm looking into the abyss, and damn if it isn't looking right back at me."
Posted by: mdoyle | July 21, 2009 1:18 PM
"Bird speaking."
Posted by: NJtoTX | July 21, 2009 2:58 PM
I was hoping to get in on the ground floor with this start up company but it didn't work out.
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 21, 2009 5:12 PM
"Holy Crap, a giant robot just stuck his weenie head through the roof next door."
Posted by: JD | July 21, 2009 5:18 PM
Have you ever noticed how shitty the architecture in this city is?
Posted by: TheDoctor | July 21, 2009 6:10 PM
[Please note "JD" is not me, "J.D." Security?]
Posted by: J.D. | July 21, 2009 8:01 PM
"I had it all, then it went up my nose."
Posted by: Rob | July 21, 2009 8:54 PM
".....and second prize was a set of steak knives. I finished fifth."
Posted by: Rob | July 21, 2009 9:31 PM
"Just hold down the tree fort till I get home."
Posted by: R.K. | July 21, 2009 9:31 PM
"Hello, maintenance? Sometimes the lights dim and the sprinkler system comes on for no reason."
Posted by: LV | July 21, 2009 9:32 PM
"I wish I could help, but I'm really fucking high right now."
Posted by: Josh J | July 22, 2009 12:29 AM
"Yeah, great location... no buzzard, though."
"I can see you. Stop waving. You look like an idiot!"
"Cancel my 3:00"
"No, I don't keep the pictures of the kids on my desk. They blew off and are somewhere on 47th street."
"The helicopter was laid off."
Posted by: Johnny V | July 22, 2009 7:24 AM
Why not me? Why not me? Cause I'm Bil Fucking Keane and I'm king of the fucking world, that's why not me! Now send Billy up here now and tell him to walk in a straight fucking line!
Posted by: therblig | July 22, 2009 9:27 AM
"I'll get that report to you as soon as possible."
Posted by: Harry | July 22, 2009 10:20 AM
"They told me that the only way they're ever going to get this building landmark status is for me to hang out on the roof for the next...oh, ten years."
Posted by: Tim H | July 22, 2009 11:49 AM
"There's a man at a desk on an empty roof... It's my soul up there..."
Posted by: Vance | July 22, 2009 12:22 PM
Hello, JD? This is your father. Stop using Radosh's Anti-Caption Contest as a platform for your personal anecdotes about that time I took you to Thailand and played with your raisinets on the bus. Once the field grew grass Daddy just didn't want to play ball anymore.
Posted by: J.D. Sr | July 22, 2009 1:58 PM
"Well, the good news is you can't be fired for excessive flatulence."
Posted by: al in la | July 22, 2009 2:55 PM
The corner office is mine, In your face, Jim!
Posted by: rprsnt | July 22, 2009 3:33 PM
Heh, "raisinets." (Btw, hearing your caption as if in Darth Vader's voice increased the mirth an nth. My real dad was hot -- too bad he never diddled me. Your dad on the other hand ...)
Posted by: J.D. | July 22, 2009 4:10 PM
"Ceiling Cat is busy. I can haz messagez?"
Posted by: Brian L | July 22, 2009 9:06 PM
"Well, it's a glass ceiling, so it's good thing there aren't any black people up here to see this."
Posted by: al in la | July 23, 2009 12:06 PM
"Hello, Cambridge Police Department? There are two men trying to break into the building next store. They are both neatly-dressed and seem to be fairly harmless-looking. But, they're both Negroes, so I suggest you send your toughest guys over, the stupider the better."
Posted by: Kathy H | July 23, 2009 12:12 PM
["...break into the building next DOOR
...."]Posted by: Kathy H | July 23, 2009 1:09 PM
"No, This is not J.D., J.D. Sr., Jayzee, or JD, but I am a lawyer, and I'll be here all week. Thank you very much. WWJD?"
Posted by: JD III | July 23, 2009 3:39 PM
"That's what your mother said last night."
Posted by: Andre | July 23, 2009 9:10 PM
Hello, Dilwig's Drug Store? Do you have Prince Albert in the can? (snicker)
Posted by: John L | July 23, 2009 11:49 PM
In later years, David Blaine's endurance stunts grew less impressive.
Posted by: John L | July 24, 2009 12:16 AM
"Hello? Is this Trump? Listen assface, I want you to know the Apprentice is now the Master. I've risen right to the top, and on my own merit. I...what's that...you want me back on the show? Really? Why...why that's great. Tommorow at eight? I'll be there. I'm packing up my desk now."
Posted by: mort drucker | July 24, 2009 12:23 AM
"Here at Vanderleigh Industries we pride ourselves on thinking 'out of the box.'
Posted by: mort drucker | July 24, 2009 12:27 AM
"They were supposed to keep building this glittering modern structure around me but a lot of things that are supposed to happen don't. Like maintenance coming to clean the bird shit of my desk. Like happiness."
Posted by: Mort drucker | July 24, 2009 12:30 AM
"You know it seemed a little questionable at the time but hurling my own feces at my fellow cubicle workers has really worked out."
Posted by: Mort drucker | July 24, 2009 12:46 AM
"Well, this performance art piece has proven to be a real bust. Maybe I should take up random sniping ala Breton. Or just finish the filing."
Posted by: mort drucker | July 24, 2009 12:53 AM
"Hello, 911? I'd like to report a crime in progress. Across the street from me, there's an elderly man being black in America. And he's getting mugged by a filthy drunken mick."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | July 24, 2009 10:32 AM
"That's right! Swing away, Webslinger! You'll rue the day you first tangled with... the Accountant!!
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | July 24, 2009 11:09 AM
"Mitch, I'm telling you--someone must have put a roofie in my drink last night. Yes, a roofie! How do I know? Well, I woke up handcuffed, wearing a tutu, and bleeding profusely from my anus."
Posted by: Torrance Doucheton | July 24, 2009 12:02 PM
"The US/Israeli assault on Gaza escalated ... because Palestinians committed a real crime: they voted the wrong way in a free election. And that's a serious crime. They have to learn that ... there's a cost to disobeyng the commands of the master, who incidentally continues to prate about his yearning for democracy without eliciting ridicule from the educated classes, which is quite an achievement of our educational and cultural system (one of many). Well since the terms terrorism and aggression are inadequate, some new term is needed for the sadistic and cowardly torture of people who are caged with no possiblity of escape while they are being pounded daily by the most sophisticated products of US military technology provided in the certain knowledge that this is how they'll be used."
Posted by: J.D. | July 24, 2009 1:51 PM
"Hi. I will be in vacation until July 31st. If this is important, please press '0' to speak with the operator. Otherwise, leave a message and I will call you when I return......Beeeeep"
Posted by: MAtt | July 24, 2009 2:40 PM
"Fiddler on the roof? I barely even know 'er, outside of fiddling her on the roof. Why do you think my secretary and I relocated to the roof? Anyway, honey, I don't see what that has to do with the school play. Sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you, I'm on the roof."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | July 24, 2009 2:55 PM
"No, I don't need a ride. Arnold Schwarzenegger will be commandeering a fighter plane and picking me up."
Posted by: Glenn | July 24, 2009 3:35 PM
Hey Jack. . .remember in college when we use to go "dumpster diving?"
Posted by: rob | July 24, 2009 5:36 PM
"My colostomy bag is full again, can you send up Judy?"
Posted by: Capt. Assclown | July 25, 2009 3:58 AM
"Dot.coms be coming back - you'll see !"
Posted by: Sam L. | July 25, 2009 11:30 AM
"There's 'small cap' and then there's 'micro cap. Next, another step down...."
Posted by: Sam L. | July 25, 2009 11:36 AM
"It's not that we profile here or anything, except Scandanavian's out...more like Mex - or even black people, actually....Hello, Manpower ? Hello ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | July 25, 2009 11:58 AM
"And it's not because Zell ran out of vacancies, I can tell you !"
Posted by: Sam L. | July 25, 2009 12:19 PM
"The 'hors' here is obscene...But then I know a bit of French !"
Posted by: Sam L. | July 25, 2009 12:58 PM
"I have The Invisible Man right here in the seat in front of me. I'll kill him if you don't deliver $6 million in... How do I know he's still there? Good question, let me ask him. Are you still there? Hello?...No, not you, idiot... Hey! Where are you? Show yourself!"
Posted by: Glenn W | July 25, 2009 11:18 PM
"You'll never ascend into the Kingdom of Heaven through a building, silly!"
Posted by: T. Cruise | July 26, 2009 3:11 PM
When they put in the bocci court, we're good to go.
Posted by: John DeGe | July 26, 2009 3:26 PM
Officer it's Jon Proctor from UFO Magazine, I would like to report a stolen tinfoil hat.
Posted by: kevin douglas | July 26, 2009 3:39 PM
You know in office space when Bill Lumbergh moves Milton into the basement? Yeah, well imagine that, but instead of in a basement I'm on the roof. Am I going to burn the building down? No, I was thinking of reporting my boss to the SEC for stock option backdating.
Posted by: Greg B | July 26, 2009 6:00 PM
Al Fresco, private eye. How may I help you? ... You say its an inside job? ... You want someone to go undercover? Sorry, but I'm just not comforatable working undercover.
Posted by: Blue Sponge | July 27, 2009 4:12 PM
"Dear, I simply don't know where last week's results are?........Be patient.......Me, too, My Little-Pumpkin-Butt, I can't get anything done at work with two contests going on at the same time......I Love you, too, Sweetie."
Posted by: JD IV | July 27, 2009 5:31 PM
"I'm up here because I forgot the honorable mentions."
Posted by: Radosh | July 28, 2009 11:31 PM
I would have submitted this a week ago, but I was hiking the JMT through Yosimite.
"Bill? Jack. I'm gonna need some more cocaine."
Posted by: Zach Brutsche | July 31, 2009 7:58 AM