July 20, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #201

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Last week's results. •Rules and tips.


First place
"That's a load of horseshit, Greg. If the firm thinks I'm so stupid, why don't they fire me instead of moving me to the roof? Because they NEED me, that's why. Tell them I'm pissed. And send someone to hook up my phone." —Damon

Second place
"Fiddler on the roof? I barely even know 'er, outside of fiddling her on the roof. Why do you think my secretary and I relocated to the roof? Anyway, honey, I don't see what that has to do with the school play. Sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you, I'm on the roof." — t.a.m.s.y.

Third place
"I'll get that report to you as soon as possible." —Harry

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Never mind. The fire seems to have stopped."

"Hello, Graffiti Control? Yeah, Dick Cheney is tagging his name on the windows again. Can you do something about it this time??"

"Well, I'm interviewing Evrolet Girl this morning and this is the only place I could find."

"Sorry to be a bother, but that pipe sticking out of the roof is no substitute for a toilet."

"The hours here are...scenic


"I just crapped in the vent pipe. Can you flush one of the toilets for me?"

"So, he moved my office to the roof so I could 'confront my fears'? I'm suicidal! This is more like enabling."

"Context, Marty, context! I can't work without context. Oh wait, yes I can."

"Ah, you know, sniping's a helluva lot more paperwork than it used to be."

"I'm so lonely."

"No, no window, but it is a corner office."

"I can see my grave from here."

Good morning, Rubik and Company.

"That's a load of horseshit, Greg. If the firm thinks I'm so stupid, why don't they fire me instead of moving me to the roof? Because they NEED me, that's why. Tell them I'm pissed. And send someone to hook up my phone."

"Is the tiger still down there? Then I'm staying here."

"This is Fiedler, on the roof."

"Harrison! The long hours of vigilance have paid off - the UFO finally landed on the roof of the next building over, just as we thought it would. Yeah, don't worry, I'm acting completely casual, totally normal..."

"Right smack dab in the middle of town, I found a paradise that's trouble proof. And if this world starts getting you down, there's room enough for two, up on the roof."

"Someone totally fucking stole my computer."

"Mildred, send up the next applicant. Yet another has failed the 'Don't Tip Back in That Chair' test."

"What do you mean, 'it's not a desk it a small rooftop window box'? In that case, look up and you can see my taint."

"What do you mean, 'it's not a desk, it's a small rooftop window box'? In that case, look up and you can see my taint."

"Honey, I'm sorry about last night when I said your pussy smelled like fish. But it was really funny when you said my cock smelled like pigeon. Random!"

...so now, according to the new employee health plan, people with fetid oozing sores are assigned to the "recovery" desk.

"Life. Could. Not. Be. Better.


Except when it rains."

No, it's not exactly a glass ceiling...

"Yes, I'm calling about the Emporer's new walls."

I've decided that I don't need the garbage can either.

No, I'm not calling for Troubled Asset Relief Program funding - I want a fucking tarp to cover my desk.

"Hi Juanita - I'm going out to lunch. No, that doesn't mean I'll be eating at my desk. That joke never gets old. Know what else won't get old? Your son, because he's Mexican."

“They’re hoping this will help them locate the sniper.”

"No, he just left. He should be lying dead on the street by now."

"I could use a stapler, a ficus and, oh yes, an umbrella."

Claustrophobia Institute. Can I help you?

“Well, I've kinda turned my home into my office.”

"I told them, `To get to the top of the company, I need my space.' They said, "Okay, Sam - I think we have just the solution for you." And then they fired me. Some people got shot. Listen, do you know anyone with a helicopter?"

"Honey, I did what you asked. So if a terrorist hijacks a Boeing 747 and flies it into the building, I'll be able to call you, so we can say our 'I love yous' and I won't die without being able to tell you, like those poor souls in the World Trade Center."

"The company gave me a golden parachute. At least, I think they did. That's when they piss all over a parachute and send you to the roof, right?"

"They don't want to fire me just because I have H1N1 swine flu, AIDS, malaria, tuberculosis and hepatitis C. But I'm really not feeling well."

"Outdoor Living Magazine. How may I direct your call?"

"I told you not to call me at the roof."

"Dr Walters, I think we need to rethink the location of my suicide counseling office."

"I wouldn't mind the job if it wasn't for all corporate birdshit."

"I told you I wanted a FOUR-drawer cabinet!!"

"Thankfully I've got a great lawyer. He worked out a deal where I not only kept my job, but I'm allowed to continue masturbating at my desk whenever I want."

"I think I should have waited for the tar to dry before moving everything up here."

The roof. The roof. The roof is on fire.

"Is this The Times?... God and the Devil have a pact!...I saw them together, in God's office! They're trying to silence me..."

"The suicide success rate for this position is very high."

“Hey, pal!—all I need is a roof under my head.”

"Yeah, the fucking AC is out again— it's like a sauna in my office. I'm up on the roof right now; at least I get a breeze up here."

"Hi, Stan? It's Ralph. It just occurred to me— what if it rains? Maybe I didn't think this through as well as I should have."

"Who moved my chaise?"

"Hello? This is 477-1100, The-King-Of-All-I-Can See... that's right... No... Hey, I ordered over an hour ago...no... no... well, I'm not paying for the breadsticks then."

"I think someone's watching me."

"T. A. Winchler calling, and I've finally gotten more an upward promotion than a lateral move."

"This should be ample room for my ego, thank you.

"Thank you for calling God's earth office... Then I will inform him that the warranty on his car has run out, thank you."

"In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have flirted with my boss's wife at the Christmas party. Or fucked his daughter at the company picnic."

I asked my dealer for "officees" but instead he gave me "roofies."

"Fuck you, you fucking fuckball."

"And the best thing, the very best thing of all, is there's time now... There's time enough at last. For stapling."

"Being television's Richard Deacon was no easy task let me tell you. Faking my own death was the best thing I ever did."

"Yes, I'll hold."

"Yes, but this is Waukegan, Illinois, so what the fuck does anything matter anyway?"

"They said if I had just one more attack of explosive diarrhea in the office, I'd be out on my ass. I just can't chance it."

Don't worry about me, hon. Think about the poor fuck who has to empty my wastepaper basket.

Yes Ma, made it Ma, top of the world Ma. Do I have to do this EVERY morning?

I tell the clients looking to stave off foreclosure to just relax and lean back in the big comfy chair.

"Remember yesterday when you walked out of the office and thought it was raining?"

"Oh, shit, I just realized- I'm not agoraphobic, I'm ACROPHOBIC!!"

"When I was around 25 years old I saw a man in his thirties on a hot, crowded bus to Jones Beach rhythmically caressing an exotic boy of 11 or 12, running his large adult hands up and down the lad's lithe, tan, shirtless torso continuously throughout the trip. The kid seemed thrilled, basking in the attention and sensual delight, even flashing a smug, gloating gaze at me as he caught me staring. No one else on that bus indicated they were the least bit concerned, perhaps assuming the two were father and son, or perhaps, like me, not wishing to interrupt their own or anybody else's incipent day at the beach in order to rescue a possible victim, who appeared to be the happiest person among us. I've often wondered if that boy suffered a tragic outcome due to his relationship with an old perv, or, if as is often the case in such matters, he grew up to be a well-adjusted adult, nurtured and tutored by his mature lover, with fond memories of his fully-realized, authentic childhood? Few pubescent boys are sexually innocent. I know I wasn't. Coincidentally one of my beach companions that day had from age 12 to 17 carried on an affair with a successful, generous man in his thirties. He therefore spent his high school years well-nourished, well-dressed, and well-cultured, enjoying opportunities his impoverished, uneducated, undocumented immigrant mother would never be able to supply in the world as it is. He ended up in a loving stable adult relationship, with a successful dual career in antique restoration and real estate. This shit ran through my head watching Michael Jackson's memorial service and anticipating the lucrative Michael Jackson sainthood industry to come. Doesn't America and the world give Michael Jackson a pass, because he in a way deconstructed pedophilia? Can we imagine Michael Jackson being sexually active with anyone other than a 12-year-old boy, or going any further than giggly mutual masturbation? Can we imagine those 12-year-old boys were in any way coerced into doing something they didn't want to do? Seduced, yes, manipulated, probably, but coerced? Yo, NAMBLA gives me the creeps, and kids need to be protected from dangerous predators; but childhood sexuality needs deeper thought and a calmer public discussion. Of course if that discussion is led by adults haunted by Judeo-Christian superstition and shame, it will always be stunted and fruitless."

"Remember when I had an office with a roof and walls? And, oh yeah- those giant pencils. What was up with those? And that time I roasted marshmallows over a burning conference room table. Probably a mistake now that I think about it. Man- what a long, strange trip it's been."

"Finally -- an office big enough for the elephant in the room."

"I don't know what happened. One minute Si Newhouse walks in and catches me weeping over pictures of slaughtered Palestinian children in Gaza and the next minute ... "

…were thinking we’d need about twice the size order that we had last month….No, we’ll have to expedite delivery too. We have a customer who’s line down…Okay…I think air freight is the way to go…No, we can’t pay that….Actually, we were thinking about asking YOU for a volume discount based on the size…GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!....No, that was a pigeon. I wasn’t taking to you…I understand. Yeah, the economy’s hit us hard too. How about dropping the expedite charge and we’ll cover the air freight directly?....Great….Okay, so Wednesday’s when you ship or we receive?….Okay, that should work…Use P.O.# 576748…I’ll have to write it by hand. My computer’s down….Yeah, ten FLOORS down. That’s a good one, Sal….Best to your wife, too…Bye.

"It's such a lovely day. I decided to fire people al fresco."

"Mmm, yes... And what are you wearing?"

"It's ironic how office life in the big city can at times be so isolating."

You know how there is only one Lord of the Ring? Only one who can bend it to his will? And he does not share power? Well, it turns out, neither does the VP of Marketing.

"Hey, it really is true what they say...I'm looking into the abyss, and damn if it isn't looking right back at me."

"Bird speaking."

I was hoping to get in on the ground floor with this start up company but it didn't work out.

"Holy Crap, a giant robot just stuck his weenie head through the roof next door."

Have you ever noticed how shitty the architecture in this city is?

[Please note "JD" is not me, "J.D." Security?]

"I had it all, then it went up my nose."

".....and second prize was a set of steak knives. I finished fifth."

"Just hold down the tree fort till I get home."

"Hello, maintenance? Sometimes the lights dim and the sprinkler system comes on for no reason."

"I wish I could help, but I'm really fucking high right now."

"Yeah, great location... no buzzard, though."

"I can see you. Stop waving. You look like an idiot!"

"Cancel my 3:00"

"No, I don't keep the pictures of the kids on my desk. They blew off and are somewhere on 47th street."

"The helicopter was laid off."

Why not me? Why not me? Cause I'm Bil Fucking Keane and I'm king of the fucking world, that's why not me! Now send Billy up here now and tell him to walk in a straight fucking line!

"I'll get that report to you as soon as possible."

"They told me that the only way they're ever going to get this building landmark status is for me to hang out on the roof for the next...oh, ten years."

"There's a man at a desk on an empty roof... It's my soul up there..."

Hello, JD? This is your father. Stop using Radosh's Anti-Caption Contest as a platform for your personal anecdotes about that time I took you to Thailand and played with your raisinets on the bus. Once the field grew grass Daddy just didn't want to play ball anymore.

"Well, the good news is you can't be fired for excessive flatulence."

The corner office is mine, In your face, Jim!

Heh, "raisinets." (Btw, hearing your caption as if in Darth Vader's voice increased the mirth an nth. My real dad was hot -- too bad he never diddled me. Your dad on the other hand ...)

"Ceiling Cat is busy. I can haz messagez?"

"Well, it's a glass ceiling, so it's good thing there aren't any black people up here to see this."

"Hello, Cambridge Police Department? There are two men trying to break into the building next store. They are both neatly-dressed and seem to be fairly harmless-looking. But, they're both Negroes, so I suggest you send your toughest guys over, the stupider the better."

["...break into the building next DOOR


"No, This is not J.D., J.D. Sr., Jayzee, or JD, but I am a lawyer, and I'll be here all week. Thank you very much. WWJD?"

"That's what your mother said last night."

Hello, Dilwig's Drug Store? Do you have Prince Albert in the can? (snicker)

In later years, David Blaine's endurance stunts grew less impressive.

"Hello? Is this Trump? Listen assface, I want you to know the Apprentice is now the Master. I've risen right to the top, and on my own merit. I...what's that...you want me back on the show? Really? Why...why that's great. Tommorow at eight? I'll be there. I'm packing up my desk now."

"Here at Vanderleigh Industries we pride ourselves on thinking 'out of the box.'

"They were supposed to keep building this glittering modern structure around me but a lot of things that are supposed to happen don't. Like maintenance coming to clean the bird shit of my desk. Like happiness."

"You know it seemed a little questionable at the time but hurling my own feces at my fellow cubicle workers has really worked out."

"Well, this performance art piece has proven to be a real bust. Maybe I should take up random sniping ala Breton. Or just finish the filing."

"Hello, 911? I'd like to report a crime in progress. Across the street from me, there's an elderly man being black in America. And he's getting mugged by a filthy drunken mick."

"That's right! Swing away, Webslinger! You'll rue the day you first tangled with... the Accountant!!

"Mitch, I'm telling you--someone must have put a roofie in my drink last night. Yes, a roofie! How do I know? Well, I woke up handcuffed, wearing a tutu, and bleeding profusely from my anus."

"The US/Israeli assault on Gaza escalated ... because Palestinians committed a real crime: they voted the wrong way in a free election. And that's a serious crime. They have to learn that ... there's a cost to disobeyng the commands of the master, who incidentally continues to prate about his yearning for democracy without eliciting ridicule from the educated classes, which is quite an achievement of our educational and cultural system (one of many). Well since the terms terrorism and aggression are inadequate, some new term is needed for the sadistic and cowardly torture of people who are caged with no possiblity of escape while they are being pounded daily by the most sophisticated products of US military technology provided in the certain knowledge that this is how they'll be used."

"Hi. I will be in vacation until July 31st. If this is important, please press '0' to speak with the operator. Otherwise, leave a message and I will call you when I return......Beeeeep"

"Fiddler on the roof? I barely even know 'er, outside of fiddling her on the roof. Why do you think my secretary and I relocated to the roof? Anyway, honey, I don't see what that has to do with the school play. Sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you, I'm on the roof."

"No, I don't need a ride. Arnold Schwarzenegger will be commandeering a fighter plane and picking me up."

Hey Jack. . .remember in college when we use to go "dumpster diving?"

"My colostomy bag is full again, can you send up Judy?"

"Dot.coms be coming back - you'll see !"

"There's 'small cap' and then there's 'micro cap. Next, another step down...."

"It's not that we profile here or anything, except Scandanavian's out...more like Mex - or even black people, actually....Hello, Manpower ? Hello ?"

"And it's not because Zell ran out of vacancies, I can tell you !"

"The 'hors' here is obscene...But then I know a bit of French !"

"I have The Invisible Man right here in the seat in front of me. I'll kill him if you don't deliver $6 million in... How do I know he's still there? Good question, let me ask him. Are you still there? Hello?...No, not you, idiot... Hey! Where are you? Show yourself!"

"You'll never ascend into the Kingdom of Heaven through a building, silly!"

When they put in the bocci court, we're good to go.

Officer it's Jon Proctor from UFO Magazine, I would like to report a stolen tinfoil hat.

You know in office space when Bill Lumbergh moves Milton into the basement? Yeah, well imagine that, but instead of in a basement I'm on the roof. Am I going to burn the building down? No, I was thinking of reporting my boss to the SEC for stock option backdating.

Al Fresco, private eye. How may I help you? ... You say its an inside job? ... You want someone to go undercover? Sorry, but I'm just not comforatable working undercover.

"Dear, I simply don't know where last week's results are?........Be patient.......Me, too, My Little-Pumpkin-Butt, I can't get anything done at work with two contests going on at the same time......I Love you, too, Sweetie."

"I'm up here because I forgot the honorable mentions."

I would have submitted this a week ago, but I was hiking the JMT through Yosimite.

"Bill? Jack. I'm gonna need some more cocaine."

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