The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #200
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.
First place
"Yes, we can schedule a session for you same time next Tuesday Mr. Johnson. To be honest, you don't even have to ask anymore. As sexual role-playing businesses go, this has turned out to be a much more limited market than we anticipated. Don't forget to leave your suit to be dry-cleaned."—v
Second place
"I was 9 when I died, thanks for asking." —Brian L
Third place
"The greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing the world I didn't just steal the four-month old copy of Newsweek sitting on your waiting room coffee table." —bunsen
Honorable mention
"I'd be much more pleased to meet you if, instead of expecting me to guess your name, you used the fucking sign-in sheet like everybody else." —t.a.m.s.y.
"Yeah, this is pretty much it. Second Life sucks."—Mr. Sad Head
"Hello sir, how may I help you?"—Harry
"Welcome to the Museum of Bad Art. I see you've come for the private costume party. Just go through that door and take a left at the statue of Ernest Hemingway fucking a side table. You can't miss it."— mypalmike
You're Max? But you're old and dirty, and that once-cute costume is now in serious need of bleach. Do you think Grizzly Adams will see just anybody? Maybe, you're next book should be called Where the Wild Things Aren't. Ba-Bye.—Mo Rice Sandollar
"Can he see you now? Of course, he can fucking see you now."—Richard H
"No, Thursday's out. How about never - is never good for you?"—Vance
Comments
"Do I validate parking? Do you give out harps?"
Posted by: Damon | July 13, 2009 11:37 AM
"Yes, we can schedule a session for you same time next Tuesday Mr. Johnson. To be honest, you don't even have to ask anymore. As sexual role-playing businesses go, this has turned out to be a much more limited market than we anticipated. Don't forget to leave your suit to be dry-cleaned."
Posted by: v | July 13, 2009 11:55 AM
It'll be ten minutes. He's giving the "one more chance" speech to Montel Williams again.
Posted by: LK | July 13, 2009 11:58 AM
"Santa always has time for Wal-Mart. Go on in."
Posted by: Damon | July 13, 2009 12:04 PM
"God, just stop taking the pills that make you larger and take one that makes you small. No, the ones that your mother gives you don't do anything at all. Oh, and the Devil is here to see you."
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 13, 2009 12:08 PM
"Yes, he is naked."
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 13, 2009 12:09 PM
"He says you screwed up his ear placement and you put his penis on the wrong side."
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 13, 2009 12:13 PM
"He says he won't deal with the Son or the Holy Ghost, he'll only deal with You."
"Well then, You damn it, tell me when you're done getting a blow job and I'll send him in."
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 13, 2009 12:15 PM
"The godtor will see you now."
Posted by: Francis | July 13, 2009 12:18 PM
"Yes, God *does* think he's a doctor. Is that a joke to you or something?"
Posted by: Christian | July 13, 2009 12:19 PM
“Yeah, right. Show me some details.”
Posted by: Rob | July 13, 2009 12:22 PM
Jesus Christ, what an asshole.
Posted by: Past Expiry | July 13, 2009 12:29 PM
"`Thank you for calling Heaven, Inc. God is great. Please hold.' *click* `Thank you for calling Heaven, Inc. God is great. Please hold.' *click* `Thank you for calling Heaven, Inc. God is great. Please hold.' Sorry - so, how's my wife doing? Is she having to deal with fire AND brimstone, or just fire? Because I'll pay extra for the brimstone..."
Posted by: Damon | July 13, 2009 12:39 PM
"Yeah, I used to get to knock-up virgins but now I mostly just answer phones. Being a Holy Ghost ain't what it used to be. You have any openings? I know Excel."
"You can't quit! Without you the whole thing falls apart! Who else can make Army translators gay?"
"Your Highness? Satan is here...a-gain. From the look on his face it's about Ed McMahon...a-gain."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | July 13, 2009 12:49 PM
"Yes, we have an open-door policy...,[whispering]...and I wish it weren't thus."
Posted by: Kathy H | July 13, 2009 12:52 PM
"You just missed Morley Safer. He said our artwork is shit."
Posted by: Kathy H | July 13, 2009 12:54 PM
Let me get this straight... you want God to revise the seventh commandment because you are overrun with televangelists and politicians? You probably need to throw in 2, 8, 9 and 10 as well.
Posted by: MarBee | July 13, 2009 12:56 PM
*Ring* "House of God, David Spade speaking...sorry, could you hold one minute, Lucifer is asking for his pitchfork back. (pause) Just a little lube on the end. Friday nights are lonely in heaven too, girlfriend."
Posted by: Dirk McGirk | July 13, 2009 1:33 PM
"I'm an atheist. But, if you want to go sit in an empty room and look like a dumbass, suit yourself."
Posted by: Damon | July 13, 2009 1:34 PM
You're Max? But you're old and dirty, and that once-cute costume is now in serious need of bleach. Do you think Grizzly Adams will see just anybody? Maybe, you're next book should be called Where the Wild Things Aren't. Ba-Bye.
Posted by: Mo Rice Sandollar | July 13, 2009 1:34 PM
"Oh, I know, without a strike and latch plate that door is pretty useless, but what are you gonna do anyway, barge in and say 'God, I totally dissed you.'"
Posted by: Seth | July 13, 2009 1:55 PM
"No, Thursday's out. How about never - is never good for you?"
Posted by: Vance | July 13, 2009 2:17 PM
"He says Nixon stays in Dog and Cat Heaven and you can't have him."
Posted by: J.D. | July 13, 2009 2:42 PM
"I've told you once, and I'll tell you again, Satan, God will not be giving you a bail-out in any sense of the term."
Posted by: Chris | July 13, 2009 2:44 PM
"Sorry, one shiny fiddle made of gold is your total allotment."
"He'll see you know ... actually, I guess that's a pretty ironic statement, since he's all-seeing."
"Sorry, he's in with his son right now."
Posted by: gary | July 13, 2009 3:14 PM
After you left, your position has been filled by a number of temps. I'm sure we can put in a good word with an agency but I'm afraid we have nothing full time.
Posted by: Charles | July 13, 2009 3:18 PM
Consider yourself lucky. The last person to get in this quick was Chuck Heston in full Moses gear.
Posted by: boneguy_97 | July 13, 2009 3:40 PM
"It might interest you to know that all of The New Yorker cartoonists have been damned to spend eternity at the Algonquin's bar."
Posted by: Tim H | July 13, 2009 3:45 PM
The greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing the world I didn't just steal the four-month old copy of Newsweek sitting on your waiting room coffee table.
Posted by: bunsen | July 13, 2009 3:50 PM
"Yeah, Midge? Donald Turnbull over at Good God. Fine, and yourself? Really? When did that happen? Anyway, the reason I....you're kidding. He was how old? Christ, I...jeez, I warned him about tinkering with a '53 DeSoto on cement blocks. Anyway, the reason I called is, did your agency send over a guy dressed like the devil to realign the doorknobs?"
Posted by: Rob | July 13, 2009 4:47 PM
"Your broker is here. Should I send him in?"
Posted by: Joshua | July 13, 2009 5:27 PM
there was a typo ...
"He'll see you now ... actually, I guess that's a pretty ironic statement, since he's all-seeing."
Posted by: gary | July 13, 2009 6:18 PM
"You'd think someone who can make a squre circle could paint better than that."
"He keeps demanding a taller dooway and bigger furniture, so it'll be cheaper just to hire you instead."
"The powers here are all-seein'."
Posted by: LV | July 13, 2009 7:21 PM
try that again:
"You'd think someone who can make a square circle could paint better than that."
"He keeps demanding a taller doorway and bigger furniture, so it'll be cheaper just to hire you instead."
Posted by: LV | July 13, 2009 7:23 PM
Mephistopheles, you crazy bastard!
Posted by: The Confidence Man | July 13, 2009 8:05 PM
I'm sorry, but God has a toothache.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | July 13, 2009 8:06 PM
I'm sorry, but God is busy eating unshelled walnuts.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | July 13, 2009 8:06 PM
"Wash day tomorrow. Nothing clean, right?"
Posted by: David John | July 13, 2009 8:54 PM
"It's a portrait of my stool."
Posted by: J.D. | July 13, 2009 9:12 PM
"The office has been like this ever since L. Frank Baum died, but he thinks that as creator of the universe, he's being original."
Posted by: David | July 13, 2009 10:12 PM
Hey Boss! The guy who created Manimal is here to see you again about his punishment.
Posted by: David | July 13, 2009 10:14 PM
"Look, I realize that sitting on the couch with a flat ass and barbed tail is difficult, but you have to remember that this place was designed in the old testament days. "
Posted by: David | July 13, 2009 10:18 PM
"The painting? The plaque says The Spontaneous Generation of Life in The Primordial Soup of Earth. Kind of a dick thing to have here, if you ask me."
Posted by: David | July 13, 2009 10:23 PM
"Your tail is not prehensile, so its only function is to shoo flies away from your asshole, right?"
Posted by: J.D. | July 13, 2009 10:30 PM
"Very funny, Jesus."
Posted by: J.D. | July 13, 2009 10:36 PM
"Yeah, this is pretty much it. Second Life sucks."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | July 13, 2009 11:36 PM
"It's so nice of you to come visit Grandpa M.O.D.O.K.."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | July 13, 2009 11:44 PM
"I don't know if he meant it literally or figuratively. He just said you should go to hell."
Posted by: mypalmike | July 14, 2009 12:58 AM
"We've got a copy of your resume here. If you just have a seat, someone will be with you in a moment. Can I get you some coffee?"
Posted by: mypalmike | July 14, 2009 1:04 AM
So now you think it's better to serve in Heaven?
Posted by: therblig | July 14, 2009 10:20 AM
"Sir? Someone from New Jersey is here to see you."
Posted by: Glenn | July 14, 2009 10:38 AM
Though it works for any New Yorker cartoon, this one actually works amazingly well with "Tonight, we dine in Hell!"
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | July 14, 2009 12:53 PM
"So it was you who hid a shouting man in his beard again. Very clever."
Posted by: Mr, Know It All | July 14, 2009 12:54 PM
"I didn't know you were Jewish. Where are you horns? Ha! I see them! I never get tired of that joke."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | July 14, 2009 12:56 PM
"Hello sir, how may I help you?"
Posted by: Harry | July 14, 2009 1:23 PM
"Just turn the 'fire' down a little bit, OK? He needs global warming to ease up slightly so the Christians can keep denying it."
Posted by: MAtt | July 14, 2009 1:53 PM
"Santa will see you now."
Posted by: MAtt | July 14, 2009 1:58 PM
"He doesn't care if you are tired of all the gays in hell. He simply can't have them mincing around the gold-paved streets creating lines at all the heavenly footwear boutiques. And purgatory is already filled with Catholics who thought he wasn't serious about sodomy."
Posted by: MAtt | July 14, 2009 2:17 PM
"Mrs. Ramsey still has one more appeal to gain entrance into heaven. But don't worry, I am confident you will be seeing her very soon."
Posted by: MAtt | July 14, 2009 2:23 PM
"Is that a tail hanging from your ass or are you just happy to see Him?"
Posted by: Dave | July 14, 2009 2:49 PM
It's complicated - we speak "of" you but not so much "about" you.
Posted by: therblig | July 14, 2009 3:14 PM
You can see Him after He's done Haring.
Posted by: therblig | July 14, 2009 3:40 PM
Apropos of nothing, but did you know that an anagram of "Zachary Kanin" is "An Ink-Crazy Ha"?
Posted by: Tim H | July 14, 2009 4:00 PM
Read the fine print - you're to be haunted by the souls of His victims. And you with all those lawyers, ha!
Posted by: therblig | July 14, 2009 4:37 PM
"How about Never? Is Never Good for you?"
Posted by: Schedlinski | July 14, 2009 5:27 PM
"Did you mean your tail was a 'clip on'? You said 'strap on.'"
"Let me get this right... You made YOURSELF do it?"
"Michael! I am sorry I didn't recognize you without the sequined glove!"
"yes we can acquire you a new pitchfork... just fill out the paperwork in triplicate and send it by courier or mail and in 4-6 weeks we can process the forms and see if you qualify. Funny... I bet it's easier to get things in hell."
"It's not really warped here... everything is just drawn that way."
Posted by: Johnny V | July 14, 2009 5:41 PM
"Sorry you'll have to come back tomorrow. He just washed his beard and he can't do a thing with it."
Posted by: karen from mentor | July 14, 2009 6:04 PM
"Ha ha ha... He's NOT looking for employment. Lord, you are reading it wrong! He's here for a discussion about a PERSON named Job!"
"I believe THAT was God farting!"
Posted by: Johnny V | July 14, 2009 6:10 PM
"Yeah, you like my painting? I graduated from Cooper Union and it was my senior feces project."
Posted by: Rob | July 14, 2009 6:30 PM
"You're from Geek Squad, right? Here's the deal: my boss has the biggest hard drive in the universe `cause he created...well, everything. It needs a good defragging. Can you do that?"
"Sure."
"You're not gonna download World of Warcraft on there and play with your little friends, are you?"
"Nope."
"You're not gonna steal his blueprints for NAMBLA, the Holocaust, Gilbert Gottfried, and then create a 'Why God is Bad' Facebook page, are you?"
"Mmm......maybe."
"But no World of Warcraft?"
"Nope."
"Okay then."
Posted by: Damon | July 14, 2009 6:45 PM
"Take a seat. He'll be with you in a few millennia."
Posted by: Dave | July 14, 2009 7:34 PM
"Beelzebub, wazzzzzzdown!!?"
Posted by: Rob | July 15, 2009 4:58 AM
"I'm sorry. Evil Ruler of the Underworld has been filled. Can you Au Pair?"
Posted by: Steve_O | July 15, 2009 9:04 AM
"Welcome to the Museum of Bad Art. I see you've come for the private costume party. Just go through that door and take a left at the statue of Ernest Hemingway fucking a side table. You can't miss it."
Posted by: mypalmike | July 15, 2009 10:35 AM
Forget Jabez Stone - you lost fair and square. And don't get any ideas about appealing to a "wise latina" - He's got Charo in there under his desk right now.
Posted by: therblig | July 15, 2009 3:21 PM
They're sea lions. Pretend it was obvious - He's very proud of it.
Posted by: Jason H. | July 15, 2009 5:18 PM
"You're the temp? We'll need you for six days. Then you can take one day of rest."
Posted by: Richard H | July 15, 2009 5:56 PM
"Can he see you now? Of course, he can fucking see you now."
Posted by: Richard H | July 15, 2009 5:57 PM
"I thought you'd be in disguise."
Posted by: Richard H | July 15, 2009 5:58 PM
"You'll be working off the books, of course."
Posted by: Richard H | July 15, 2009 6:00 PM
"Have you worked in details before?"
Posted by: Richard H | July 15, 2009 6:02 PM
"I was 9 when I died, thanks for asking."
Posted by: Brian L | July 15, 2009 9:14 PM
"God's door is always open because Jesus' carpentry skills are a little weak."
Posted by: Brian L | July 15, 2009 9:23 PM
"You should take a copy of this Galapagos map home with you for your creationist friends, haha. What a bunch of jerks, right? I don't know how you put up with them. Anyway, Mr. Darwin will be with you shortly."
Posted by: klarabell | July 15, 2009 11:50 PM
"He'll be with you in a moment, sir, after he finishes auditioning the last of the 72 virgins.
Posted by: mdoyle | July 16, 2009 6:47 AM
"Nobody gets in to see the Burger King. Not nobody. Not no how."
Posted by: Rob | July 16, 2009 7:30 AM
Is this about evolution again?
Posted by: therblig | July 16, 2009 11:19 AM
Wassssssssssssssssssssssssup! Waassssssssssssaaaaaabi!
Posted by: Past Expiry | July 16, 2009 12:42 PM
"Just give everyone down there cotton underwear, and the problem should clear up in a couple of days."
Posted by: d | July 16, 2009 12:47 PM
"So, tell me, in hell is it also always 11:32 AM?"
Posted by: Kathy H | July 16, 2009 1:05 PM
"I'd be much more pleased to meet you if, instead of expecting me to guess your name, you used the fucking sign-in sheet like everybody else."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | July 16, 2009 1:13 PM
"It's your choice. I can either spray the flame retardent on the couch or directly on you. Or you can continue standing. For all eternity."
Posted by: mort drucker | July 16, 2009 7:07 PM
"Satan. How in hell are you?"
Posted by: mort drucker | July 16, 2009 7:08 PM
"Get the hell out of here."
Posted by: mort drucker | July 16, 2009 7:13 PM
"Sure, I'd like a good meal now and then but I can't put on the feedbag up here for just me and him."
Posted by: Greg | July 17, 2009 12:12 AM
"Only you can prevent forest fires."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | July 17, 2009 12:13 AM
"Scientology fairytales? Xenu? Thetans? What kind of a moron do you have to be not to know there's an invisible racist homicidal cloud father who tells some of us we're superior, and his invisible magic zombie son who tells some of us we're cursed, and that in any event Palestinians, and Muslims in general, are subhuman and the US should pay to exterminate them?"
Posted by: J.D. | July 17, 2009 3:21 AM
"Yes, I can see that your circumcision went rather badly. God will see you now. By the way, who was the mohel?"
Posted by: NJtoTX | July 17, 2009 11:31 AM
I'm sorry, sir. He just doesn't believe that you're sorry.
Posted by: Ben Rogers | July 17, 2009 12:00 PM
The particular detail we have called you back to address is that the door frame you built is too small for his head.
Posted by: Charles | July 17, 2009 12:13 PM
"Mr. Cheney, he'll be right with you...and, no I don't know why he called you here."
Posted by: Tim H | July 17, 2009 12:34 PM
"Amway? You really are evil."
Posted by: Dave | July 17, 2009 9:15 PM
"He'd like the full massage treatment with the happy ending."
Posted by: Dave | July 17, 2009 9:17 PM
"(Whispers) I just typed up your target letter. He's going to ask you to reduce Evil by 12% in 2010."
Posted by: Deborah | July 18, 2009 8:32 AM
"HERE COMES MR. JORDAN, boss ! .. (mutters) Damned gamblers."
Posted by: Sam L. | July 26, 2009 2:18 PM
"That? Sort of like us framing our first dollar, remember ? HIS first amoebae....before stuff went wrong."
Posted by: Sam L. | July 26, 2009 2:38 PM