The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #199
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.
First Place:
"Court is a depressing place, where the permanent regime reinforces its absolute power with a due process charade that no longer bears even the appearance of legitimacy."—J.D.
Second Place:
"Dwayne. Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning... in the legal morass without tort reform. I guess you could say I went a long way to make that joke."—LK
Third Place:
"Since when is it a crime to be a professional muff diver? ...oh, since that long ago? Interesting."—Francis
Honorable Mention:
"And for the acne, I sentence you to three to six months of Accutane."—Steve
"What do you mean, 'inappropriately dressed for court,' your honor? I wore my bailiff-shaped floaties just for you!"—narcoleptic
"Since you have a snorkel, I guess I must find you "Not gill-ty".—therblig
"Every day the voice in my head said, 'Why not Bil Keane? Why not Bil Keane?' Finally I snapped and just said it out loud, 'Yeah, why the fuck not Bil Keane!?' So I killed him. Meanwhile, another voice was saying, 'Hey, you know what sounds like fun? Snorkeling.'"—JohnnyB
Comments
For those of you who haven't noticed, this is up before the actual caption contest is up. The new yorker has to get their act together.
Posted by: Harry | June 29, 2009 12:53 AM
Do these trunks make me look fat?
Posted by: Milan Starling | June 29, 2009 1:38 AM
Look, I know I said I was up for experimenting honey, but this new courtroom snorkeling S/M thing is just too much. And seriously, stop staring at my package.
Posted by: Tyler B. | June 29, 2009 5:30 AM
My lawyer told me to wear my suit to court.
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 29, 2009 7:49 AM
Under the sea
Nobody beat us
Fry us and eat us
In fricassee
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 29, 2009 7:51 AM
Yes, your honor. Now I understand how the lobster feels and I'm sorry.
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 29, 2009 7:53 AM
In the land where everyone wears glasses, the guy with goggles is King.
Yes, your honor, subcutaneous belly fit IS hard to lose once you hit middle age.
These flippers make it hard to "walk the line" your honor.
Posted by: J. Warner | June 29, 2009 8:10 AM
And that's ... when Dick Cheney ... shot me in ...chest. He said ... thought I was fish. What kind of man... fishes with shotgun? Anyway ... I apologize ... to Mr. Cheney. I thank these men ... for holding me ... I feel cold... see a light .. I'm....
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 29, 2009 8:33 AM
Sure, those swim trunks are rather tacky wacky, but I don't see why I should upgrade his fashion offense to a misdemeanor.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 29, 2009 9:01 AM
Yes, it is rather strange that his chest hair pores are visible from here and yet his nipples are no where to be seen. Mr. Atticus, can you also please explain why your bellybutton is off center?
Yes, I did see The Hangover and no I do not find your excuse convincing. Where is this witness chinaman with the small penis that you speak of?
Posted by: Dirk McGirk | June 29, 2009 9:06 AM
Imagine my surprise as one who is exceptionally well hung hauled in front of the hanging judge. Sweet.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 29, 2009 9:34 AM
"OK, you caught me! I was trying to escape via the bathroom plumbing! And I would have made it if not for these meddling bailiffs!"
"Son, in my courtroom everyone must have nipples. Bailiffs, get him out of my sight."
Posted by: MAtt | June 29, 2009 9:48 AM
Every day the voice in my head said, "Why not Bil Keane? Why not Bil Keane?"
Finally I snapped and just said it out loud, "Yeah, why the fuck not Bil Keane!?" So I killed him. Meanwhile, another voice was saying, "Hey, you know what sounds like fun? Snorkeling."
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 29, 2009 10:00 AM
"Bodysurfing is torture."
Posted by: Richard H | June 29, 2009 10:03 AM
"But your honor, that little albacore said she was eighteen!"
Posted by: Richard H | June 29, 2009 10:07 AM
"If watersports are a wrong, I don't want to be right."
Posted by: Richard H | June 29, 2009 10:10 AM
Judge: For the charge of pissing in the pool, the jury has found you not guilty. However, your shitting in the sink is another matter entirely.
Posted by: GeunGen | June 29, 2009 10:42 AM
"You have both been found guilty of impersonating police officers. Bailiff, please show these men to their cells on the lido deck."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 29, 2009 10:50 AM
And frankly, I find your lack of respect for the courtroom appalling! It's my conclusion that... Wait a sec. Lemme just adjust my penis pump here... It's my conclusion that the crimes you've committed...
/
Bailiff 1: Watch your cornhole.
Bailiff 2: Watch your blowhole!
Posted by: GeunGen | June 29, 2009 10:52 AM
Since you have a snorkel, I guess I must find you "Not gill-ty".
Posted by: therblig | June 29, 2009 10:55 AM
"...and, your honor, when I say 'May it please the Court," I really, really mean it."
Posted by: Tim H | June 29, 2009 10:59 AM
"But, your honor, this is all Bernie Madoff has left me!"
Posted by: Kathy H | June 29, 2009 11:00 AM
"Excuuuuse me, Your Honor, but I didn't see any No Shirt, No Shoes, No Justice sign on the courthouse door."
Posted by: Rob | June 29, 2009 11:08 AM
"...and, your honor, I would like nothing more than to kneel down and ask the Court's mercy. But, as you can plainly see, I have no knees..."
Posted by: Tim H | June 29, 2009 11:12 AM
"...would it be out of order for me to say, your Honor, that I find you very
courtly?"Posted by: Kathy H | June 29, 2009 11:14 AM
"Your honor, I've been held at Guantanamo prison for the last five years, subject to torture on a near daily basis. I was forced today to wear this ridiculous outfit by my inept, court-appointed lawyer. Please, oh please, consider granting me a retrial."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 29, 2009 11:23 AM
Your honor, please try to understand. Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Billy Mays - all in the same week. My world was coming apart . . .
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | June 29, 2009 11:41 AM
HI-YOOO!!! (Too soon?) HEEE!!! (Too soon?)
Posted by: William B. Williams | June 29, 2009 11:44 AM
I'm issuing a writ of habeas carpus.
Posted by: therblig | June 29, 2009 11:44 AM
"And for the acne, I sentence you to three to six months of Accutane."
Posted by: Steve | June 29, 2009 11:44 AM
“The truth is, Your Honor, your wife got tired of getting fucked by a man wearing a black robe.”
Posted by: Rob | June 29, 2009 11:48 AM
"I feel sick, your honor."
"Why, Mr. Thomas? Are you sick with guilt?"
"No, your honor. I feel sick because that Jersey girl who was sitting on your desk before the trial began left one of her pubic hairs there."
Posted by: Damon | June 29, 2009 11:49 AM
"Hello, Jeeves. Sorry to bother you on your vacation day, but could you please reschedule my lunch with Mother from 12:00 to 12:15 on Tuesday?"
Posted by: Deborah | June 29, 2009 11:53 AM
It's a little late for an insanity plea, Mr. Madoff.
Posted by: therblig | June 29, 2009 11:58 AM
"So, you're saying a night at the Holiday Inn Express DOESN'T make me a doctor? Heh - oops. I guess I owe someone's family and fans an apology..."
Posted by: Damon | June 29, 2009 12:08 PM
"Since when is it a crime to be a professional muff diver? ...oh, since that long ago? Interesting."
Posted by: Francis | June 29, 2009 12:55 PM
"Your Honor, why don't you add a couple of more weeks and make it an even 150 years?"
Posted by: Kathy H | June 29, 2009 1:14 PM
"Respectfully, your honor, could you please postpone my sentencing until Anti-Caption Contest #200?"
Posted by: Tim H | June 29, 2009 1:17 PM
...with time off for not wearing Speedos.
Posted by: therblig | June 29, 2009 2:01 PM
"No, no, Your Honor, I said she was over the vacation age of consent."
Posted by: David John | June 29, 2009 4:36 PM
"Before I started my illegal coral-selling business I was a law-abiding citizen. I worked hard and saved a little every month. I had my retirement all planned out. Then the real estate market tanked, the credit markets dried up and the stock market went belly up. I've been under water ever since."
Posted by: Richard H | June 29, 2009 5:01 PM
"It's true, your honor. I like big whales, and I cannot lie. You other men can't deny that when a humpback swims with a sexy grin and a blowhole to stick it in, you get -"
"STOP..."
"Sprung! Wanna pull out your tough..."
Posted by: Damon | June 29, 2009 6:12 PM
"Your honor, if committing crimes while dressed like this is a crime, then I don't want to commit crimes. Which I wish I had realized earlier."
Posted by: Francis | June 29, 2009 7:59 PM
I always thought that New Jersey was half under water and half under indictment, but, you sir, you are something special.
Posted by: therblig | June 29, 2009 9:08 PM
"Who do I have to blow to get convicted and sent to prison where I can get gang-raped every night by well-endowed ruffians?"
Posted by: J.D. | June 29, 2009 9:18 PM
"I was trying to swim OUT of Ann Coulter's vagina, not IN."
Posted by: J.D. | June 29, 2009 10:11 PM
The 'habeas' here is obscene !
Posted by: Sam L. | June 29, 2009 11:06 PM
" 'Little hasty there, I have to admit' ? Nah, judge ! Nah, nah ! Better come off your dignity more 'n that ! Man seized out of fas'nable downtown 'Reporters' Pool' this way, hauled in like some fish, it so fired urgent ! Nah, judge ! We be reading about this in National Enquirer shortly, I expect !"
Posted by: Sam L. | June 30, 2009 12:31 AM
"No offense was intended, but I once again request that your honor say it, not spray it."
Posted by: al in la | June 30, 2009 2:27 AM
"I'm Russell Crowe, damn it!"
Posted by: J.D. | June 30, 2009 8:34 AM
"I'm just glad there are no black people here to see this. Dismissed."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | June 30, 2009 9:21 AM
"You know how people type pubic all the time when they mean public? Someone did that in the transcript here, which is why I giggled. Anyway, what's the charge against this guy again?"
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | June 30, 2009 9:24 AM
"I know, I thought your bare ass behind those girls on thisisphotobomb was hysterical, too. Still, totally illegal. Time served and a $2500 fine. Next!"
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | June 30, 2009 9:25 AM
Ah, so this is a courthouse. I apologize, I thought this was the Great Barrier Reef. I am pretty unclear on how I made such a mistake.
Posted by: Dolemite | June 30, 2009 10:22 AM
"Your honor, my only defense is that I am the new face of Cole of California ®."
Posted by: Kathy H | June 30, 2009 12:22 PM
"Your honor, I was only trying to get donations for those horribly afflicted with No Face Syndrome
, as evidenced here in your very own courtroom gallery."Posted by: Tim H | June 30, 2009 12:41 PM
"Chris Farley....s'matter ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | June 30, 2009 12:55 PM
"Oh, yeah ! All over the Court B 'kickline', sir ! Me, couple pals in the side 'shark tank' ?! Court TV 'd want a piece ! You kidding ?!"
Posted by: Sam L. | June 30, 2009 1:52 PM
" 'Bush vs. Gore', 'bout spell it out, now don't it.....jedge ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | June 30, 2009 2:06 PM
"Your honor, the three of us are terribly sorry. You see, we were hard up for cash and the guy from Bailiffs Gone Wild made us an offer we couldn't refuse."
Posted by: Kathy H | June 30, 2009 4:07 PM
Well, clearly I was hoping that justice was blind.
Posted by: therblig | June 30, 2009 4:13 PM
"Helluva night in the drunk tank."
--------
"Like you never dropped your phone in the toilet?!"
Posted by: Tim | June 30, 2009 4:27 PM
Dwayne. Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning...in the legal morass without tort reform. I guess you could say I went a long way to make that joke.
Posted by: LK | June 30, 2009 9:59 PM
"Are you going to carp a plea?"
Posted by: Greg | July 1, 2009 12:15 AM
"You will be judged by a jury on your piers."
Posted by: Greg | July 1, 2009 12:20 AM
"If the suit doesn't fit, you must acquit."
Posted by: Greg | July 1, 2009 12:26 AM
"I'd like to point out that you're holding your gavel more firmly than the guards are holding me. What's with this spread-fingers, touchy feely shit?"
Posted by: Damon | July 1, 2009 11:14 AM
"Well, to tell you the truth, your honor, I really don't like snorkeling. But I do like Kipling. [rimshot]
Posted by: Tim H | July 1, 2009 11:43 AM
"Court is a depressing place, where the permanent regime reinforces its absolute power with a due process charade that no longer bears even the appearance of legitimacy."
Posted by: J.D. | July 1, 2009 11:58 AM
It's a good there are no Schecks here to see this.
Posted by: Anonymous | July 1, 2009 5:20 PM
"R-O-E vs. Wade, young man ! I repeat, R-O-E vs. Wade ! (in under voice to bailiffs) Throw this fool out !"
Posted by: Anonymous | July 1, 2009 11:17 PM
Muff diving is not a crime!
Posted by: Bryan | July 1, 2009 11:29 PM
Don't ask. Just plain don't ask.
Posted by: Bryan | July 1, 2009 11:31 PM
If the snorkel doesn't fit, you MUST acquit.
Posted by: Bryan | July 1, 2009 11:35 PM
My lawyer said you'd be in to this kinky shit.
Posted by: Bryan | July 1, 2009 11:36 PM
"Can you say, 'Four way sexual fantasy', your honor."
Posted by: Bryan | July 1, 2009 11:37 PM
"You know if I were Brad Pitt pretty she wouldn't have pressed charges."
Posted by: J.D. | July 2, 2009 3:29 AM
"Honey, I'm home and I've brought company!"
Posted by: Craption | July 2, 2009 7:17 AM
"That's right... I am a scuba diver! And it's not a crime. That's the truth... YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
"No... SAM Waterston! Not 'SOME WATERMAN'! I wanted to meet Sam Waterston you stupid bailiffs!"
"Bail is set at one 'fin'"
Posted by: Johnny V | July 2, 2009 7:46 AM
"I brought along a couple of bailiffs... do you mind?"
Posted by: Johnny V | July 2, 2009 7:55 AM
"Nyahh! A year in the Big House? I can do that dog paddling. A year ain't shit, Judge. Hell, I could do it in a side-stroke, the crawl, even a butterfly. Well, maybe not a butterfly...butterfly's a little gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Unless you act on it in an unethical or reckless or self destructive way."
Posted by: mort drucker | July 2, 2009 5:16 PM
"This attempt by the court to force me to re-enact my synchronized swimming routine is a travesty, a sham...an abomination made even more tawdry by your flesh colored wig and the Victorian flamboyance of your extended pinky grip on the gavel of judgement."
Posted by: Mort drucker | July 2, 2009 5:25 PM
"I lost my nipples playing poke her."
Posted by: Buck Teeth | July 2, 2009 9:08 PM
"What do you mean, 'inappropriately dressed for court,' your honor? I wore my bailiff-shaped floaties just for you!"
Posted by: narcoleptic | July 2, 2009 9:19 PM
"Hey you! Yes you, sitting at the table on the right - quit picking your nose!"
Posted by: narcoleptic | July 2, 2009 9:22 PM
"So your lawyer's a shark, eh?"
Posted by: narcoleptic | July 2, 2009 9:24 PM
"Alright, Judge. Call off your goons, I'll go quiet. But you ain't heard the last of Johnny Neptune!"
Posted by: mort drucker | July 3, 2009 6:35 AM
"A fifty dollar fine? Wow, that Dershowitz is quite a lawyer! I was expecting the dunk tank for sure."
Posted by: mort drucker | July 3, 2009 6:40 AM
"Excuse me, did you just say I can't 'acquit' you? Or I can't 'quit' you? Because if it was the latter and you meant the former, that's quite a slip. But if it was the former and not the latter....(hey! Hey, dirtballs, get your meathooks offa me...I'm talking to the Judge! We was having a consultation..hey, hey!)"
Posted by: mort drucker | July 3, 2009 6:55 AM
(Improved version) : "R-O-E vs Wade, young man ! I repeat, R-O-E vs. Wade ! [whispering] Remove this damn 'know-it-all' from court, bailiffs."
Posted by: Anonymous | July 3, 2009 12:43 PM
"Why are there 2 baliffs, Your Honor?"
Posted by: Lenny | July 3, 2009 5:31 PM
"I hereby sentence you to life without pickerel."
Posted by: GG | July 3, 2009 6:47 PM
"Give me liberty or give me depth!"
Posted by: Dave | July 3, 2009 7:05 PM
Excuse me your honor, but I'm pretty sure that signature on your desk is upside down.
Posted by: Colby | July 4, 2009 2:26 AM
"First period swimming, your honor."
Posted by: Greg | July 4, 2009 3:06 AM
"If it's a crime to love snorkeling, then declare me guilty."
Posted by: Dave | July 4, 2009 9:47 AM
"What - and face a 'feeling-up' every time I enter a fucking federal building ? Goddamn gays !"
Posted by: Anonymous | July 4, 2009 11:46 AM
"Michael Bloomberg paid off City Council to buy a third Mayoral term against the twice-expressed will of the people. Easy for him, since his $5 billion pre-911 fortune somehow ballooned to $20 billion in the middle of a collapsed economy -- a windfall rivaled only by Larry Silverstein's $6 billion 911 insurance payoff simply for inking his name on the World Trade Center lease in July 2001 and making a small $15 million payment. One of Michael Bloomberg's first official acts was appointing CIA Director of Operations David Cohen to be NYPD’s first Deputy Commissioner of Intelligence. Since then we have seen motorcades of 30 to 40 squad cars parading around the city in a garish display of the power of the State, protesters breaking no laws (including the elderly) videotaped at demonstrations for positive identification by the State, and an increasing number of people arrested and taken to Bellevue Hospital where they are drugged and interrogated, and later labeled as emergency psychiatric patients instead of crime suspects so there is no need to afford them their Constitutional rights. New Yorkers' interface with their government takes the form of soulless errand boys who wipe their ass with the Fourth Amendment. Yeah, ok, I was jaywalking while being shirtless and out of shape, thereby scaring a bunch of shiksas wandering home drunk in their little black dresses. Yeah I'm guilty."
Posted by: J.D. | July 4, 2009 3:06 PM
"I plead the fourth."
Posted by: Rob | July 4, 2009 6:17 PM
"Excuse me, your honor, but is that a disgusting tangle of cast-off dental floss on the bench ? Because who'd carve his 'hancock' that way ? Take pride in your work, I say...no matter how humble."
Posted by: Anonymous | July 4, 2009 6:33 PM
"Why are you dressed like that? Just for the halibut? Ha! No, but seriously, I sentence you to death."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | July 4, 2009 8:33 PM
"If it please the court, show me a babe, and I'll show you the breaststroke."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | July 4, 2009 11:06 PM
"Judge, you've got to believe me! I'm from a distant planet where everybody wears snorkel gear unless they're going snorkeling!! Something must have gone wrong with the man who was snorkeling at the transporter!!!"
Posted by: David F | July 5, 2009 12:11 AM
Your honor, if you allow this bailiff to let my right arm hang loose, you'll note it will hang below my knee. I am part fiddler crab. But it pales compared to the bailiff's freakishly long fingers! What a cavity search!
Posted by: Charlie Daniels | July 5, 2009 10:33 PM
" 'Court is recessed', 'Court is RECESSED' ! Not 'RECESS' !...Frickin' retard !"
Posted by: Anonymous | July 7, 2009 6:21 PM
"I'm Bad, I'm Bad -Come On, You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad...Bad Bad - Really, Really Bad !"
Posted by: Anonymous | July 8, 2009 2:59 PM