May 18, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #194

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Last week's results. •Rules and tips.


Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Would you mind not sticking your tongue out? I'm terribly afraid of catching the Swine Flu."

"Well, actually, you're not the first person to get the dry heaves from looking at my mis-positioned sleeve buttons."

"We're laying you off. Sorry."

"Actually, those aren't cacti. They're the rest of your party giving you the finger."

"Hello, fellow giant. Parched? There's a lake about a mile behind me; it's smallish but can quench the thirst of even beings as large as we. Watch out for the tiny little cacti. I got one of those in my hand once, and oooh, I tell you."

"What's that, Timmy? Lassie's stuck in an abandoned mine shaft? Good boy! Let's go save her."

"Look, you're dying of thirst, I have fluids. I'm not paying for a blow job."

"Oasis? Sorry, I'm not from around here."

"Aren't your hands and knees hot?"

"I represent Paris Hilton. She's trademarked that position."

"As your attorney, I advise you to drive at top speed. It'll be a goddamn miracle if we can get there before you turn into a wild animal."

"We may all be socialists now, but I'm still a banker. So fuck off."

Well, no, the sun does not always turn into a hypnotic swirl. But today is special.
It's nitwitted triangle tie day.

"Well, answer me this: If you're so dehydrated, then why did you just whiz Leo Cullum's name on the ground?"

"I'm going to close my eyes and count to ten. When I open them, I want to see that miniature cowboy and his horse back in the desert display. It's my museum, not `Frank's Wild West Anal Insertion Sex Show.'"

"Looks like you need an ambulance bad."

"I will be back in one week." Hopefully by then you will have learned your lesson and think twice about wasting valuable company time entering these ridiculous anti-caption contests."


"The President sent me here to vett your possible nomination to the Supreme Court. Now, what is your position on global warming?"

"Funny, you don't look Jewish."

"I understand you're interested in booking Oasis for a personal appearance."

"No, I haven't seen your gigantic contact."

"Look into my tie...Lok deeeeep into my tiiiiiiie."

"You're getting warmer..."

"I think you'll find that you'll survive a lot longer in this crazy world if you wear a Brooks Brothers suit and carry a briefcase."

"It's not the heat so much as the stupidity."

Look, I'm not the one who told you to go on a taffy binge. You knew you'd run out of your insulin supply eventually -- don't expect me to start feeling sorry for you now.

"I'm afraid you're afflicted with New Yorker cartoon cliché syndrome. Symptoms include sitting in a bar in strange clothing, becoming extremely large or small, or, as in your case, encountering something unexpected while crawling through the desert. The only known cure is canceling your subscription."

We appreciate your interest in a cartoon cliche position, but we've recently downsized.

"Exactly how thirsty are you, on a scale of one to two, one being urine?"

"For fuck's sake, would you get up and put some clothes on? I'm trying to run a miniature-cactus distributorship here."

"No, I can't give you any water. What I can give you is some late-breaking waterboarding news from Washington."

"I'm sorry, sir, but you can't get a glass of water here without a tie."

"I told you I'd find a loophole, Jacob."

"I'd love to pull on its tail and help extract that armadillo from your esophagus, but your insurance doesn't cover it."

"Well...gee. I actually thought it was a rather smart, unique tie. Mirages have feelings too, asshole."

"You're late, I billed you for the time I was waiting. Now I have to go play squash. I guess tomorrow we'll start working on your appeal. If you care enough to show up on time that is."

"The flowers here are Crassulacean."

My assignment was to kick you and that is still the plan. Thanks for not moving.

A: "Hello. Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home? Come on, now, I hear you're feeling down. Well, I can ease your pain, get you on your feet again. Relax. I need some information first. Just the basic facts: Can you show me where it hurts?"

B: "There is no pain, you are receding. A distant ship's smoke on the horizon. You are only coming through in waves. Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying. When I was a child I had a fever. My hands felt just like two balloons. Now I've got that feeling once again -- I can't explain, you would not understand -- this is not how I am. I have become comfortably numb."

"Yes, your butt does look big in those cut off jean shorts."

"Gay watersports? Sorry, that's three cacti down and to the left. This is the set of Celebrity Survivor. Still, I suppose I could help you out."

"I'm sorry, it's too damn hot to play charades."

"You keep telling me I'm egotistical, dismissive, and diminishing when it comes to other people, John - but you never praise me for the things I do right. Anyhow, you're a lousy camel. I'm walking."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Jenkins. That's a very good impersonation of an iguana--and thanks for crawling all the way out here--but it's all about the youth these days, and there's just no market there."

"Nope, sorry, no water. But I've got a whole briefcase of pretzels."

"My work here is done; the sun won't be bothering you anymore. Remember, the next time you get hungry or thirsty, visit one of our 1,200 Cinnabon® franchises worldwide."

“I said Marine pushups."

"Man, you look like shit."

"NOW thanks you for emasculating yourself, but PETA wants to sue for libel because your posture makes fun of an animal's inability to walk upright. Is there any way you can act like dirt?"

"These pants are skin tight. I hate my life."

"I'm Dave. Apparently, I'm your spirit animal."

"Apparently, I've been transported to some kind of mystical wasteland as a punishment for my sins. I guess if I didn't have a personality disorder that leaves me with shallow affectation, I'd be panicking more."

"And if you ask me for change again, I'll kick you in the balls again. Now get the hell away from the bus station immediately off-panel."

This dick ain't gonna suck itself, crawly.

Ms. Dowd wishes me to convey that she regrets the error.

"Neo, Neo... Don't you recognize me??! You defeated me in the original Matrix movie!"

"Good boy... now drop the stick. Drop it! Drop it!"

"Louis... That is NOT what I meant by 'doggie-style'"

"Yeah, I know... I axed the black robe and scythe. I wanted a newer look for the 21st century... but I assure you, I am still Death!"

"Sorry, Karl. Human pyramid practice has been canceled. Didn't you get my 'tweet'?"

I know that crawling across the desert before I let you blow me seems excessive, but I like it scratchy. Hey, the heart wants what it wants.

"Let me get this straight, Mr. Heaney. You're lost in the desert, you're dying of thirst, and you want to buy my tie?"

"You'd better drink some water. You look pretty dehydrated."

Your kids had a premonition you were going to die, so they sent me to get your signature on some documents.

I've heard my humor is dry, but this is rid-doncu-clakulo-smack-vincenzulous.

"Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? That's right, Harrison from Accounts Receivable's a good boy!"

"Hi. Can you direct me to the nearest Starbucks?

"That's odd, my wife tells me my sperm tastes great due to my vegan diet...."

"I don't care if you crawled a thousand miles through the desert to submit your 'brilliant' caption in person! I, Radosh, will forever select mediocre captions as winners (or direct others to do so on my behalf....)"

"A trickle of sweat
on the back of the head
He always does this
Now the foot is dead
Sunday in the desert with George"

"There's no need to bow. I'm not a god, or the devil. I'm YOU, actually...from back before you made the terribe life decisions that have lead to starve in the desert. I would think you would have recognized these clothes as yours, from the 80's."

I'll tell you what's not in my briefcase. A gallon of ice cold water.

"I mean it, thanks for the ride."

"You know the rules. You only get the million dollars if you can spit."

"And the only way to get it is to suck or fuck or be feeble and devoid and masturbate me, masturbate me, and slurp it from your palm like a dry desert soaking up rain, soaking up sun."

"Ew, a homeless person."

"And you want to raise MY taxes? You fucking Socialists make me sick!"

“We’ll sue those bastards for every last drop.”

To be honest, I'm not sure which leg the snake bit. Better suck 'em both, just to be safe.

Yes, yes, very nice. I could touch my nose with my tongue too, you know, if the dignity of my office permitted it.

Yes. I am an attorney. I'm just not *your* attorney

Torture? I don't THINK so pal. Didn't you get the memo?

"This place isn't big enough for the both of us. Seriously look around we are huge!"

As an attorney for Warner Brothers Films I must warn you that acting out any scene from Deliverance is under copyright protection.

"You're going the wrong way"

Universal called. The guy-in-a-desert movie is dead. It's now a guy-on-an-island movie. I've booked you on a flight to the South Pacific at 5. Incidentally, I'm also sending your acting coach with you this time.

Jesus Christ... what an asshole.

"Not bad, but to even better prepare you for how your divorce settlement is going to feel, please have a seat on one of the background cacti."

"You still have to pay your carbon Taxes. Remember, your exhaling CO2 contributes to Global Warming."

Water is for closers. Do you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray. And I'm here on a mission of mercy...No, I'm fucking with you. I'm actually a mirage.

"Good heavens, man! Are you all right? Rest here and I will call for help. We must get you to a hospital immediately!"

"Good job, Fido. Now go fetch me another hot dog."

"Hello. The Grim Reaper couldn't make it today. I'm his agent."

"Sunshiiiinnnne on my shoulderrrrs makes me happppyyyyyyyy...."

"The towers here are obsidian."

"You are probably going to die."

“So I said to mom, ‘Don’t worry about Frankie—he’s probably lying in the sand somewhere basking in the sun.’”

"Nope, this is just a delusion brought on by extreme fear and agony. The irony is: you're actually being waterboarded right now!

'The Bureau' here is unseen.

"You must have forgotten Donald's mantra: 'hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.'"

"You must have forgotten Donald's mantra: 'hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.'"

"Is that what you're wearing?!"

"Burros are near.....unseen."

"It's a good thing there are no 'Tex' here to see this."

"You winner ! Congratulations of HISPANIC TV ! ...........Donde' resto Ustedes, senor ?"

"They are the Sawtooth Mountains."

"C'mon! I know you know it. Look, we'll say it together:

So I'll meet 'im later on
At the place where 'e is gone --
Where it's always double drill and no canteen;
'E'll be squattin' on the coals
Givin' drink to poor damned souls,
An' I'll get a swig in hell from Gunga Din!
Yes, Din! Din! Din!
You Lazarushian-leather Gunga Din!
Though I've belted you and flayed you,
By the livin' Gawd that made you,
You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din!


"Sir, I represent the Blanca Cabeza Sombrero Company, S.A. de C.V. May I interest you in a nice floppy sombrero?”

"I'll let you suck the urine out of my Depends for a grand. Do we have a deal or not?"

"Bad dog."

Hello, I'm Joe Smallcack and I would like to know if you like my Smallcack tie?

It's not the humidity,it's the heat.

Hi, I'm Lennie Cravats!

"I need to see myself in those toes, asswipe, SO KEEP WORKIN' ON THAT SPIT SHINE!"

"No. I don't believe in bottled water."

"I said Camelus dromedarius, not Camelus bactri-anus, you idiot!"

"On second thought, can I get one hump, two humps or perhaps three humps? I'll pay extra, but I'd expect a volume discount."

"Nice camel Jockeys by the way."

Deserts are hot.

"Yes, if you insist, you may lick my shoes."

Hi, I'm the mysterious banker. I'll trade you an agonizing death in the desert for your briefcase...OR you can keep the briefcase and possibly veni vidi o-leevio with nothing.

"Have you finished your business? Good boy! Good boy! Now, back in the car!!"

"I'm sorry to inform you but, Adam Lambert lost."

"Did you know that 70% of the Earth is covered by water, and the other 30% is covered by lawyers?"

"Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?"

Gene Simmons!

The Colorado River used to run right here before we diverted the water for agriculture.

Anyone ever tell you,"You're hot"?

"Sorry, no water. I'm actually a heartless financier. I flew in by private jet just to watch you die."

"Over half of all mirages end with the letter s."

"That's exactly how my wife does it. How did you know?"

"Do your wife and children know you're gay?"

"Here's your $160,000 daily pay for pretending to be lost in a desert, Sean Hannity. Fortunately your staff and a team of medical professionals are standing by just out of frame to attend to any possible ill effects you may have experienced from this little charade. Thank you for hating all Muslims and blindly supporting every action of the Israeli government."

"The Cereus giganteus, the Opuntia ficus-indica, the Ferrocactus wislizenii -- and here now the rare Homo succulentii ! Oh, my ! What a fascinating nature walk !"

"The 'burbs' here are Pom'rene....Arizona."

"Cactisexuals like you make me sick."

Dill or no dill?

Finally! A Survivorman episode gone wrong.

Looks like your headed toward Brokeback Mountain!

Your swollen tongue reminds me of my ambiguous genitalia. Call me Hermie.

How about a 71? You and me and two prickly pears jammed up our rears.

Lookds like you've gotten your just desert.

Couldn't help but notice those shorts are Jean-Paul Gaultier.

Hot couture.

Welcome to America, illegal Mexican immigrant! You wanna be my "Horse with No Name"?

Wicked good hair! My I ask who your stylist is and what type of gel?

Nice butte!

Rainman, get back in the damn Buick!

"Fellate me."

You must be the guy who didn't eat the peanuts in Collum's September 6, 2004 desert cartoon?

I'm from the cartoon characters union and I've been advised to tell you that you won't starve to death in the desert because of the sand which is here. You'll likely die of thirst, however. Any other problems, please contact your shop steward.

"My secret? Green tea to hydrate, aloe vera moisturizer, and, oh yeah...I'm a mirage."

"I could give you some water, but I know you'd just spend it on booze."

" 'Chinee' ? No, preposterous question !"

"And you want to be my latex salesman?"

"Thanks for the ride. And be back to pick me up at five."

"Yes, I did see Deliverance, and I'm not going to buttfuck you, no matter how much you squeal like a pig."

Blow this out of proportion.

Ride him in, Rawhide!

Man up! Don't aske for directions!

At the Birth of the Bottled Water Empire

"I said desiccate, not defecate."

"I don't wear cotton underware."

"Sure, we're both dying; but do you have to look so pathetic?"

"No, the term insurance is for ten years. The whole life has a lump sum payout on death."

"Can you tell me how the long the wait is for the uptown express bus?"

"Nice vision quest. NOT!!"

"The names Juan. Don Juan. I just came out to tell you there's some bad shit going around."

Tongue depressor? No, I don't have a tongue depressor. Your tongue is depressing enough."

Sorry, subby, your caption winners are in another castle.

Your request to be transferred to a psychiatrist's couch gag is currently undergoing consideration. We will notify you if and when the decision is made; please do not contact us in the meanwhile.

Sanjaya's corpse is about two klicks back, Bo Bice's being dismembered by carrion birds even as we speak--all in all you've done well for an American Idle runner up.

"Sounds like ... 'waiter.' Let's see, is it 'whiter'? 'Winter'? 'Weather'? 'Welter'? 'Twitter'? 'Wittier'? You're going to die if you don't get something wittier? Believe me, I feel the same way."

Pull your tongue back in. Yes, they're pink triangles, but it's just a tie.

"Good new, bad news scenario. I've found two cherubs to guide you back home, but you're stuck in this contest for another week."

Hi, I'm Dick Wolf and I'd like to offer you a part in my new show "Low on Water". Thursdays on NBC.

"Barrel cacti are a good source of water for people. Where are your bush skills ?"

Comment Submission Error

Your comment submission failed for the following reasons:

Comment text is required.

It's this simple, Daniel - pick a caption and you get the Sunny Delite that's in my briefcase.

"Don't try to think up a caption. It's another week without a winner."

"I really can't help you at all."

"You see, I'm on my way to this thing,.....and I really have to be there on time....you can see where this is going, can't you?"

"Yes, they do turn clear at night. Now, get the hell out of my way."

"No, no. That's a dog *panting*. It's a dog *begging* that I need to see if you expect me to judge this week's contest. . . . Oh, and then laugh at my jokes."

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"I sure wish I were sitting at a bar next to Minotaur and having a drink right about now."

Worst issue of X-Men ever.

"I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong"

"Go ahead, follow me to the ends of the earth...your efforts are in vain...for some reason...etc..."

"'Such impudence never came my way. Early this afternoon I gave you money. When I was having my shoes polished , I gave you more money. Now you put the bite on me again.' "

"You're not going to find it here. Click this link for the next anti-caption contest...I guess I should have said something a few days ago."

"Such impudence never came my way....." : It's from 'The Treasure of the Sierra Madre'.

"Huh ! I thought all you Tarahumaras routinely ran up to 100 miles like it was nothing....That's what my guide book said !"

"I suppose I should have given you better directions, replacement judge number twelve...."

" 'Coyote' malo, senor ? 'Coyote' malo ?! No me diga eso ! Peyote 'bueno', me parece. Se dice PEYOTE, deshonroso perro !"

I have posted contest #196 on my blog. Click below to visit and leave your anti-cap in the comments section. To get started I posted a very controversial anti-cap. See for yourself:

Anti-Caption Contest #196

Okay...two words...blow job! You want to give me a blow job! Honestly, I'm just going to keep guessing that until you agree.

Excuse me. I represent the Lollypop Guild, The Lollypop Guild, The Lollypop Guild
And in the name of the Lollypop Guild,
I wish to welcome you to Muchkinland.
I welcome you to Munchkinland, Tra la la la la la la
From now on you'll be history.
You'll be history, you'll be history, you'll be history.
In actuality, you'll be deceased."

(Improved version) - "Barrel cacti are a good source of water for people...Where is your bush craft, senor ?!"

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2