The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #193
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.
Thanks to this week's guest judge, Harry Effron
First place
"I have to go to the bathroom." —Rob
Second place
"Oh honey, go change that tie... and while you're at it, take off that human-marionette thing... I'll take mine off too." —Sam Saper
Third place
"Okay, but this time wear a condom. I don't want to spend all night picking splinters out again."—Steve_O
Honorable mentions
"Marionette? You hardly even know Annette! For Christ sakes, you should at least bang her first. Trust me on this, I'm a prostitute." —t.a.m.s.y.
"Just look at us- what do we have to live for? Let's just throw these up into the ceiling fan and be done with it."—LV
Comments
"It's the same kind Rush Limbaugh uses."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 11, 2009 10:01 AM
"When it comes to love I need a slow hand..."
"Did I say, 'No strings attached?!?'.... SIKE!"
"I know this sounds absurd.. but if you won't use a coaster then at least put your coffee cup on your puppet board. I am tired of refinishing the end tables!"
"Okay, Mr. Pinoccio, my fee is $300 the first hour and I want cash up front."
Posted by: Johnny V | May 11, 2009 10:17 AM
And they'll cause fewer yeast infections than your hand-puppet fantasy.
Posted by: therblig | May 11, 2009 10:18 AM
"They're for having sex, somehow!"
Posted by: Francis | May 11, 2009 10:37 AM
"Sure Radosh uses the metaphoric version of this apparatus to enlist the bored and unloved into submitting captions, but I like the feel of the real strings tugging at me, don't you, dear?"
Posted by: Redundantly | May 11, 2009 10:46 AM
"Oh, honey...I hope you don't find this too risque, but I attached my right arm-string to my...uhhh...back door.... Here, why don't you make me 'wave hello!'"
Posted by: Redundentiest | May 11, 2009 10:51 AM
"These strings indicate we're puppets just like your typical surburbanite. Do you think that's lame enough to win the actual New Yorker contest? Should I take out the 'surburbanite' reference?"
Posted by: Steve_O | May 11, 2009 11:04 AM
"Some black man down the street just wiggled this. Let's get a divorce."
Posted by: Damon | May 11, 2009 11:06 AM
"The wires in my head and arms I can live with, but OWWW! FUCK!! the one up my ass stings like crazy."
Posted by: Mork | May 11, 2009 11:08 AM
"My vagina string isn't broken after all. I'm not suggesting you're a lousy lover. I'm just saying that, even when the little man has a tow line attached to his boat, he somehow still ends up on dry land."
Posted by: Damon | May 11, 2009 11:15 AM
It's time for the new anti-caption contest.
Posted by: Amy | May 11, 2009 11:21 AM
"Come on George. When Karl Rove is on vacation, Republicans should be allowed to play!"
Posted by: Richard H | May 11, 2009 11:21 AM
All this hubbub is only to distract savvy readers from the cyanide in the I Heart NY coffee mug. It will be used on the readers.
Posted by: LK | May 11, 2009 11:32 AM
I put you in your chair all nice and comfy then you have to go and cut your damn strings. What does this mean? I can think of so many metaphors that my head is swimming. I would hit you over the head with this stick but I can't seem to make my arms move. Damn you.
Posted by: Amy | May 11, 2009 11:34 AM
Please change me into clothing that doesn't make us both nauseated.
Posted by: Charles | May 11, 2009 11:55 AM
"I need to take a leak. Would you mind standing on the balcony?"
Posted by: Upperhand | May 11, 2009 12:29 PM
"Don't you remember, Harold? The last time we tried '69', it took us two hours to untangle."
Posted by: Steve_O | May 11, 2009 12:41 PM
"After reading the finalists for this week's 'lemming' cartoon, I'm ready to use these strings to strangle myself."
Posted by: m | May 11, 2009 12:43 PM
"Pull another string and I'll kiss your lips, I'm your puppet. Snap your finger and I'll TAP DAT AZZ LIKE A NATTY ICE KEG! (Sorry, dear - remix.)"
Posted by: Damon | May 11, 2009 12:44 PM
"If you play the railroad crossing signal game right, you'll get a ride in my caboose, mister."
"Just look at us- what do we have to live for? Let's just throw these up into the ceiling fan and be done with it."
Posted by: LV | May 11, 2009 1:16 PM
"I hid the remote control, so no more channel surfing for you."
Posted by: Kosmicki | May 11, 2009 1:29 PM
"Now that Bush is out of office, we journalists don't need these contraptions anymore."
"I brought along a couple of widgets. Do you mind?"
"I call it a Wii."
"With my new invention you will walk again. Come on, pick up the controller and try standing up."
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 11, 2009 1:35 PM
And I believe this is what God uses to control our destinies - or at least the movement of our appendages.
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 11, 2009 1:41 PM
"Got wood?"
Posted by: mort drucker | May 11, 2009 2:06 PM
Dawg! That bling is DOPE!
Posted by: Greg Urbaitis | May 11, 2009 2:07 PM
They represent our lack of free will, implying that we're both puppets.
Posted by: Doug | May 11, 2009 2:15 PM
(to thrash metal)
Master of Puppets, I'm pulling your strings!
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams!
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing!
No, really, our glasses are a clear indication that we are both blind, and have been for many years now. I bear no responsibility for this tragic state of affairs.
Posted by: Doug | May 11, 2009 2:23 PM
Perhaps we only need attach our crucifixes with a single length of twine to ensure the proper show of devotion. But somehow, it's kinkier this way.
Posted by: Doug | May 11, 2009 2:31 PM
"It was an innocent mistake; you had your eyes closed, and thought you were pulling your own strings to jerk yourself off. I should've said something. On the bright side, this makes a good case for your ol' mom to finally go wireless."
Posted by: Damon | May 11, 2009 2:35 PM
"I know you really wanted to 'marry Annette' but now I'm the next best thing!"
Posted by: Glenn | May 11, 2009 2:35 PM
"After my stroke, this simple device has helped me lift and control my otherwise lifeless left arm. I just figured we might try applying the same principle to your useless penis."
Posted by: mypalmike | May 11, 2009 2:40 PM
"Did you hear? They shot Vito Corleone five times out in front of Genco Olive Oil today!"
Posted by: David | May 11, 2009 4:44 PM
"They say that all old couples look alike. It's doubly true when you're twins."
Posted by: David | May 11, 2009 4:46 PM
"You really need to phrase your wishes more carefully than "I want to have wood all the time and for my wife to dance like a marionette on my command." when using one of those cursed monkey's paws."
Posted by: David | May 11, 2009 4:52 PM
"I dropped the kids off at mom's and shaved off any potential kindling, so let's break out the Minwax and have a good time!"
Posted by: David | May 11, 2009 5:14 PM
It feels better when that guys from "Being John Malkovich" does it, but I'm stuck with you, so let's make the best of things.
Posted by: npm | May 11, 2009 5:21 PM
Bergman's "From the Life of the Marionettes" didn't resonate so much for me, as it turned out not to concern having your every move controlled by a giant carnival Gypsy.
Posted by: Doug | May 11, 2009 5:22 PM
"Bill, God gave us the ability to pull our own strings. Nevertheless, when things are overwhelming, we can hand the controls to Him and let Him guide us - every thought, every movement, every moment, every last breath."
"Daisy, please don't follow that up by saying you find our sex life overwhelming."
"God says you're a wiggler. But he'll spank it out of you."
Posted by: Damon | May 11, 2009 5:37 PM
"Do what I say and you'll get some wood, middle-aged Pinocchio."
Posted by: Gray Nixon | May 11, 2009 5:42 PM
"Whoever drew my nose is getting a call from B'nai B'rith."
Posted by: J.D. | May 11, 2009 5:44 PM
"Let's fuck."
Posted by: bunsen | May 11, 2009 7:53 PM
"This wasn't quite what I envisioned, somehow."
Posted by: Deborah | May 11, 2009 7:56 PM
"Ha ha! You're dead, stuffed, and attached to strings! Who's in control now?"
Posted by: Deborah | May 11, 2009 8:08 PM
"Given that you already are a limp, lifeless, impotent and easily manipulated man, this little bit of role playing seems almost superfluous. Nevertheless, let the puppet mayhem begin!"
Posted by: mort drucker | May 11, 2009 8:52 PM
"Why is it that I always have to endure your fantasy roleplay scenarios, but when I want us to be innocent wooden puppets you lose all interest?"
Posted by: Richard H | May 11, 2009 9:50 PM
"I hope this is what you had in mind when you said you wanted to pretend to be marionettes and then sit in a chair while I stand and talk to you."
Posted by: Harry | May 11, 2009 10:58 PM
"So then he said 'maybe I can 'Pull some strings' for you if you know what I mean,' so then I said 'sure, I know what you mean, but where are we going to find the strings!!'"
Posted by: Harry | May 11, 2009 11:01 PM
"I walked through a some power lines on the way home, but so did you, so now you can't yell at me!"
Posted by: Harry | May 11, 2009 11:04 PM
"My deflowered rear is un-stringed." (am i allowed to do these yet?)
Posted by: Harry | May 11, 2009 11:07 PM
I've cut two holes in the ceiling so the Bernsteins can whatever the fuck they want with us.
Posted by: boneguy | May 11, 2009 11:22 PM
Punch and Judy was too physical, so I thought we'd try Grand Guignol.
Posted by: therblig | May 12, 2009 12:48 AM
"Would you like to hang me up on the cross tonight?
Posted by: Brian L | May 12, 2009 1:17 AM
This is Victoria's secret.
Posted by: jb | May 12, 2009 2:56 AM
"The Lord helps those who help themselves you little atheist."
Posted by: Rob | May 12, 2009 5:27 AM
"Okay, now we're ready to play 'enhanced interrogation.' I'll just throw this little switch here..."
Posted by: mdoyle | May 12, 2009 10:34 AM
"You were right, dear.
Feminism is crap."
Posted by: Gail White | May 12, 2009 11:33 AM
"You see, George, the irony is that I felt compelled by advertising in my glossy fashion magazine to buy this new gear which makes an ironic statement about my willingness to be turned into a puppet by the fashion industry. I don't quite understand why you aren't willing to play along."
Posted by: Richard H | May 12, 2009 11:43 AM
"Ok, I give up. I thought the fishnets and tight dress with sperm swimming on it would touch something in your wooden heart, but alas, it appears you have reserved your love for my husband Guiseppe, who by the way, should be home from his NAMBLA meeting shortly."
Posted by: mort drucker | May 12, 2009 2:37 PM
We are puppets. ˇNi hao ma! ˇChen mao pa!
Posted by: Shang T'ang | May 12, 2009 2:38 PM
"Seymour, you know I hate being late for our weekly 'Swingers' session. If your not going to hook up your genital wire at least attach your tongue one!"
Posted by: mort drucker | May 12, 2009 2:48 PM
Please pick it up Sidney...You know, sometimes I think you have absolutely no self control."
Posted by: al in la | May 12, 2009 4:04 PM
W: Rough day at work, honey? Need a little pick-me-up?
M: No, I want a blowjob.
Posted by: Josh G | May 12, 2009 6:52 PM
"Just because the N'Sync roleplaying exercise isn't working out like it should doesn't mean we can't still build a better management team on this retreat."
Posted by: d | May 12, 2009 8:02 PM
"Ironically, I hate New York."
Posted by: Anonymous | May 12, 2009 8:48 PM
"Darn, the puppetmaster left his 'I Love N.Y.' mug behind again."
Posted by: Dave | May 12, 2009 9:29 PM
"Well, my vagina is occupied at the moment, but if you pull the right string I'm all yours."
Posted by: Rob | May 12, 2009 10:06 PM
"DON'T CROSS THE STRINGS!"
Posted by: Brian L | May 13, 2009 1:45 AM
I got this at the Mexican store. There was a little man attached, so I put him on Lacey's wedding cake.
Posted by: Satan Mayo | May 13, 2009 2:41 AM
"What does the I N Y stand for?"
Posted by: Satan Mayo | May 13, 2009 3:13 AM
"WHO DRAPED YOU OVER THAT CHAIR? WAS IT HER? And why isn't your head hanging limp?"
Posted by: Satan Mayo | May 13, 2009 3:15 AM
"It's called a 'crucifizz.' The wooden parts are for worshipping the messiah and the wires are just bling so he knows we mean it."
"Look, Pinnochio, I got one, too, so now we can both relive your childhood! Doesn't that make you finally realise I love you? I love you I love you I love you crazy formerly wooden man! And if you were wood again I'd still love you. But you're not, you're not wood, you're flesh and blood and tears just like everyone else! Oh god how I love you and I know you hurt and your hurt hurts me but by god, we can live!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 13, 2009 6:09 AM
"Carl! If you don't quit using my coffee cup then I'm not going to quit pissing in your coffee!"
Posted by: xjv | May 13, 2009 9:41 AM
"Here, take this. Now it's your turn to play the Council on Foreign Relations and I'll play the sitting US President."
Posted by: J.D. | May 13, 2009 3:16 PM
"Here, take this. Now it's your turn to play the American Israel Public Affairs Committee and I'll play Congress and/or the US mainstream media."
Posted by: J.D. | May 13, 2009 3:23 PM
"Henry, I'm so happy to have found a man who enjoys my perfume and fart cloud."
Posted by: J.D. | May 13, 2009 3:26 PM
"Here now it's your turn... no, wait. We're both being controlled equally. Okay okay, we'll both be some unnamed easily manipulated organization and/or group and/or insidious individual (I see Rush Limbaugh is popular) and someone else (italics) will play all sort of popular liberal bad guys.
Fun?"
Posted by: Ipswich McGwinnick | May 13, 2009 4:58 PM
"Here, take this. I've got to get on the internet to misunderstand me some irony and state me some obvious!"
Posted by: J.D. | May 13, 2009 6:18 PM
Hey that sounded like a dig at me?
Oops.
"Hey, that sounded like a dig at me? Was it? Harold?"
Posted by: Ipswich McGwinnick | May 13, 2009 8:50 PM
"I have to go to the bathroom."
Posted by: Rob | May 13, 2009 10:35 PM
"Okay, but this time wear a condom. I don't want to spend all night picking splinters out again."
Posted by: Steve_O | May 14, 2009 12:43 AM
"You were right. That WAS fun."
Posted by: Joshua | May 14, 2009 1:13 AM
"Funny, You don't look Jewish."
Posted by: Ipswich McGwinnick | May 14, 2009 12:08 PM
"Aww, look honey: the I heart NY cup and the lamp are kissing!"
"Look! I worked out all weekend and I can finally lift this absurdly heavy wooden cross!"
"So, for you I got the Miro painting, for me I got the lamp, and I'm gonna let the I heart NY cup use us to wreak havock on the world as human marionettes!"
"How do you like my new floral dress?"
"Oh honey, go change that tie... and while you're at it, take off that human-marrionette thing... I'll take mine off too"
"Sometimes I feel like I have to get in control of myself..."
Posted by: Sam Saper | May 14, 2009 4:38 PM
"That is indeed funny, because I don't feel Jewish."
Posted by: Ipswich McGwinnick | May 14, 2009 4:39 PM
"Before we begin, Art, there's something my dress needs to tell you -- I've got dysentery."
Posted by: Jared S. | May 14, 2009 5:06 PM
"Just think, in most states gay people aren't allowed to have these things."
Posted by: al in la | May 14, 2009 7:08 PM
"If we both go as marionettes, everyone will know we're married."
Posted by: Squidocto | May 14, 2009 8:22 PM
I just love those DIY websites! Do you like your irony detector? And look I made one for me, too!
Posted by: ECBjr | May 14, 2009 9:27 PM
"Now just remember: Our safe word is 'butterscotch', and you've got to cut me loose if I start to turn blue."
Posted by: Tim C. | May 14, 2009 10:18 PM
"Harold, tell me honestly. We've been married for 13 years and I want you to be honest with me! Does his dress make me look fat?"
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | May 14, 2009 10:43 PM
Even if we don't win the contest for best costume, this marionette idea took all most no time to make and cost nearly nothing.
Posted by: Alan Weld | May 15, 2009 5:05 AM
"Don't just sit there, Dennis. Bind me, torture me, kill me."
Posted by: Rob | May 15, 2009 6:48 AM
"Max, these puppet strings are all the proof we need that there's some kind of conspiracy afoot."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | May 15, 2009 9:17 AM
"Metaphor."
Posted by: Brian L | May 15, 2009 11:20 AM
"Why? To teach that it's always way harder to get untangled."
"You’re gonna love the super hot puppet on puppet action!"
"Then I left them there, just like that. Him sitting inanimate on the chair, and her with the control bar in her hand, as if she actually had a say. If you hadn’t just walked on by the scene I’d created in the store window, and instead stopped to look at it, you’d feel compelled to make up something for her to say that would explain it all.”
Posted by: Weller | May 15, 2009 3:50 PM
"Have we even seen a penny in residuals for all our work on 'Thunderbirds'?"
Posted by: Steve_O | May 15, 2009 10:59 PM
"Marionette? You hardly even know Annette! For Christ sakes, you should at least bang her first. Trust me on this, I'm a prostitute."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | May 16, 2009 12:12 AM
"And here I was thinking nothing could beat Waiting for Godot for tedium."
Posted by: Sam L. | May 16, 2009 2:04 AM
"You know, dear, sometimes I think we do this to excuse the curious dilatoriness of our search for those poor trained cats popped in from nowhere. Remember ? Four of them....Smart, too."
Posted by: Sam L. | May 16, 2009 2:39 AM
"Me or them, I say. You think starting tonight those frickin' Frenchy pals of yours could maybe lay off Existentialism for once ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | May 16, 2009 3:04 AM
"The neighbors left their Christmas lights up 'til February, so I don't see why we can't stay nailed to our crosses for at least another week."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | May 16, 2009 4:04 AM
"Actually, I'd prefer to be a finger puppet. Let me show you how that would work."
"Now that we've done away with Mother and Father, I realize how they manipulated us for all these years. Let us celebrate our freedom with another wild killing spree!"
Posted by: David F | May 16, 2009 9:43 AM
" 'La donna `e mobile', you wish !"
Posted by: Sam L. | May 16, 2009 12:18 PM
"And I might have sprung for the 'diddle stringers', dear, but they went for $19.95 more...wild extravagance, don't you think, given the 'regulations screw-up'... and what not ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | May 16, 2009 12:53 PM
"As you can see by the unsubtle label beneath me, the cartoonist apparently thinks Victoria Roberts is an easily manipulated middle-aged whore."
Posted by: Tim C. | May 16, 2009 2:25 PM
"Good news! We're only the second most incomprehensible thing in the New Yorker this week! Thank God for David Denby."
Posted by: Tim C. | May 16, 2009 2:27 PM
"I think you misunderstood my Craigslist ad. When I said 'no strings attached,' I meant I wanted to be fucked violently by a man I'd never see again, so as to revisit subconsciously the trauma of my controlling father's abandonment, not that I wasn't another horrifically freakish self-aware marionette. Sorry."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | May 17, 2009 3:42 AM
"Hey, look! You've got one of these things too!"
Posted by: Rubrick | May 17, 2009 6:45 AM
"When they made us dance on the graves of those who've made the supreme sacrifice so we privileged few might prosper? I secretly enjoyed that."
Posted by: J.D. | May 17, 2009 12:06 PM
"If you lie, I bet it will grow."
Posted by: Alex | May 17, 2009 4:16 PM
Puppets are for gays. Are we gay?
Posted by: John Cockface | May 18, 2009 12:16 AM
"I walked through a some power lines on the way home, but so did you, so now you can't yell at me!"
Posted by: Brad Poorhouse | May 18, 2009 12:20 AM
"Doesn't this turn you on, Stanley? I figured you had a puppet fetish after I walked in on you masturbating into a sock."
Posted by: mypalmike | May 18, 2009 12:49 AM
"I was able to get my tampon reconnected, so there's still hope for your cock!"
Posted by: Cpt Assclown | May 18, 2009 2:24 AM
"After we're done lynching these crosses, we still have to burn some Nogrees. Um, wait, Negroes. Fucking dyslexia!"
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | May 18, 2009 6:07 AM
"Ruth Madoff surrenders a passport ; they 'puppet' me ! We talking 'sicko' here, mister. ...Gotta be."
Posted by: Sam L. | May 18, 2009 3:54 PM
"...so where the 'I Love N.Y.' cup gonna get you, 'sicko' ?! Yeah, like you all never heard of 'Delft', you and Bernie and Ruthie Madoff. Where the justice, I ask y.. ?!"
Posted by: Sam L. | May 18, 2009 4:48 PM