May 11, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #193

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Last week's results. •Rules and tips.


Thanks to this week's guest judge, Harry Effron

First place
"I have to go to the bathroom." —Rob

Second place
"Oh honey, go change that tie... and while you're at it, take off that human-marionette thing... I'll take mine off too." —Sam Saper

Third place
"Okay, but this time wear a condom. I don't want to spend all night picking splinters out again."—Steve_O

Honorable mentions
"Marionette? You hardly even know Annette! For Christ sakes, you should at least bang her first. Trust me on this, I'm a prostitute." —t.a.m.s.y.

"Just look at us- what do we have to live for? Let's just throw these up into the ceiling fan and be done with it."—LV

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"It's the same kind Rush Limbaugh uses."

"When it comes to love I need a slow hand..."

"Did I say, 'No strings attached?!?'.... SIKE!"

"I know this sounds absurd.. but if you won't use a coaster then at least put your coffee cup on your puppet board. I am tired of refinishing the end tables!"

"Okay, Mr. Pinoccio, my fee is $300 the first hour and I want cash up front."

And they'll cause fewer yeast infections than your hand-puppet fantasy.

"They're for having sex, somehow!"

"Sure Radosh uses the metaphoric version of this apparatus to enlist the bored and unloved into submitting captions, but I like the feel of the real strings tugging at me, don't you, dear?"

"Oh, honey...I hope you don't find this too risque, but I attached my right arm-string to my...uhhh...back door.... Here, why don't you make me 'wave hello!'"

"These strings indicate we're puppets just like your typical surburbanite. Do you think that's lame enough to win the actual New Yorker contest? Should I take out the 'surburbanite' reference?"

"Some black man down the street just wiggled this. Let's get a divorce."

"The wires in my head and arms I can live with, but OWWW! FUCK!! the one up my ass stings like crazy."

"My vagina string isn't broken after all. I'm not suggesting you're a lousy lover. I'm just saying that, even when the little man has a tow line attached to his boat, he somehow still ends up on dry land."

It's time for the new anti-caption contest.

"Come on George. When Karl Rove is on vacation, Republicans should be allowed to play!"

All this hubbub is only to distract savvy readers from the cyanide in the I Heart NY coffee mug. It will be used on the readers.

I put you in your chair all nice and comfy then you have to go and cut your damn strings. What does this mean? I can think of so many metaphors that my head is swimming. I would hit you over the head with this stick but I can't seem to make my arms move. Damn you.

Please change me into clothing that doesn't make us both nauseated.

"I need to take a leak. Would you mind standing on the balcony?"

"Don't you remember, Harold? The last time we tried '69', it took us two hours to untangle."

"After reading the finalists for this week's 'lemming' cartoon, I'm ready to use these strings to strangle myself."

"Pull another string and I'll kiss your lips, I'm your puppet. Snap your finger and I'll TAP DAT AZZ LIKE A NATTY ICE KEG! (Sorry, dear - remix.)"

"If you play the railroad crossing signal game right, you'll get a ride in my caboose, mister."

"Just look at us- what do we have to live for? Let's just throw these up into the ceiling fan and be done with it."

"I hid the remote control, so no more channel surfing for you."

"Now that Bush is out of office, we journalists don't need these contraptions anymore."

"I brought along a couple of widgets. Do you mind?"

"I call it a Wii."

"With my new invention you will walk again. Come on, pick up the controller and try standing up."

And I believe this is what God uses to control our destinies - or at least the movement of our appendages.

"Got wood?"

Dawg! That bling is DOPE!

They represent our lack of free will, implying that we're both puppets.

(to thrash metal)

Master of Puppets, I'm pulling your strings!
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams!
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing!
No, really, our glasses are a clear indication that we are both blind, and have been for many years now. I bear no responsibility for this tragic state of affairs.

Perhaps we only need attach our crucifixes with a single length of twine to ensure the proper show of devotion. But somehow, it's kinkier this way.

"It was an innocent mistake; you had your eyes closed, and thought you were pulling your own strings to jerk yourself off. I should've said something. On the bright side, this makes a good case for your ol' mom to finally go wireless."

"I know you really wanted to 'marry Annette' but now I'm the next best thing!"

"After my stroke, this simple device has helped me lift and control my otherwise lifeless left arm. I just figured we might try applying the same principle to your useless penis."

"Did you hear? They shot Vito Corleone five times out in front of Genco Olive Oil today!"

"They say that all old couples look alike. It's doubly true when you're twins."

"You really need to phrase your wishes more carefully than "I want to have wood all the time and for my wife to dance like a marionette on my command." when using one of those cursed monkey's paws."

"I dropped the kids off at mom's and shaved off any potential kindling, so let's break out the Minwax and have a good time!"

It feels better when that guys from "Being John Malkovich" does it, but I'm stuck with you, so let's make the best of things.

Bergman's "From the Life of the Marionettes" didn't resonate so much for me, as it turned out not to concern having your every move controlled by a giant carnival Gypsy.

"Bill, God gave us the ability to pull our own strings. Nevertheless, when things are overwhelming, we can hand the controls to Him and let Him guide us - every thought, every movement, every moment, every last breath."

"Daisy, please don't follow that up by saying you find our sex life overwhelming."

"God says you're a wiggler. But he'll spank it out of you."

"Do what I say and you'll get some wood, middle-aged Pinocchio."

"Whoever drew my nose is getting a call from B'nai B'rith."

"Let's fuck."

"This wasn't quite what I envisioned, somehow."

"Ha ha! You're dead, stuffed, and attached to strings! Who's in control now?"

"Given that you already are a limp, lifeless, impotent and easily manipulated man, this little bit of role playing seems almost superfluous. Nevertheless, let the puppet mayhem begin!"

"Why is it that I always have to endure your fantasy roleplay scenarios, but when I want us to be innocent wooden puppets you lose all interest?"

"I hope this is what you had in mind when you said you wanted to pretend to be marionettes and then sit in a chair while I stand and talk to you."

"So then he said 'maybe I can 'Pull some strings' for you if you know what I mean,' so then I said 'sure, I know what you mean, but where are we going to find the strings!!'"

"I walked through a some power lines on the way home, but so did you, so now you can't yell at me!"

"My deflowered rear is un-stringed." (am i allowed to do these yet?)

I've cut two holes in the ceiling so the Bernsteins can whatever the fuck they want with us.

Punch and Judy was too physical, so I thought we'd try Grand Guignol.

"Would you like to hang me up on the cross tonight?

This is Victoria's secret.

"The Lord helps those who help themselves you little atheist."

"Okay, now we're ready to play 'enhanced interrogation.' I'll just throw this little switch here..."

"You were right, dear.
Feminism is crap."

"You see, George, the irony is that I felt compelled by advertising in my glossy fashion magazine to buy this new gear which makes an ironic statement about my willingness to be turned into a puppet by the fashion industry. I don't quite understand why you aren't willing to play along."

"Ok, I give up. I thought the fishnets and tight dress with sperm swimming on it would touch something in your wooden heart, but alas, it appears you have reserved your love for my husband Guiseppe, who by the way, should be home from his NAMBLA meeting shortly."

We are puppets. ˇNi hao ma! ˇChen mao pa!

"Seymour, you know I hate being late for our weekly 'Swingers' session. If your not going to hook up your genital wire at least attach your tongue one!"

Please pick it up Sidney...You know, sometimes I think you have absolutely no self control."

W: Rough day at work, honey? Need a little pick-me-up?

M: No, I want a blowjob.

"Just because the N'Sync roleplaying exercise isn't working out like it should doesn't mean we can't still build a better management team on this retreat."

"Ironically, I hate New York."

"Darn, the puppetmaster left his 'I Love N.Y.' mug behind again."

"Well, my vagina is occupied at the moment, but if you pull the right string I'm all yours."


I got this at the Mexican store. There was a little man attached, so I put him on Lacey's wedding cake.

"What does the I N Y stand for?"

"WHO DRAPED YOU OVER THAT CHAIR? WAS IT HER? And why isn't your head hanging limp?"

"It's called a 'crucifizz.' The wooden parts are for worshipping the messiah and the wires are just bling so he knows we mean it."

"Look, Pinnochio, I got one, too, so now we can both relive your childhood! Doesn't that make you finally realise I love you? I love you I love you I love you crazy formerly wooden man! And if you were wood again I'd still love you. But you're not, you're not wood, you're flesh and blood and tears just like everyone else! Oh god how I love you and I know you hurt and your hurt hurts me but by god, we can live!"

"Carl! If you don't quit using my coffee cup then I'm not going to quit pissing in your coffee!"

"Here, take this. Now it's your turn to play the Council on Foreign Relations and I'll play the sitting US President."

"Here, take this. Now it's your turn to play the American Israel Public Affairs Committee and I'll play Congress and/or the US mainstream media."

"Henry, I'm so happy to have found a man who enjoys my perfume and fart cloud."

"Here now it's your turn... no, wait. We're both being controlled equally. Okay okay, we'll both be some unnamed easily manipulated organization and/or group and/or insidious individual (I see Rush Limbaugh is popular) and someone else (italics) will play all sort of popular liberal bad guys.

"Here, take this. I've got to get on the internet to misunderstand me some irony and state me some obvious!"

Hey that sounded like a dig at me?
"Hey, that sounded like a dig at me? Was it? Harold?"

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"Okay, but this time wear a condom. I don't want to spend all night picking splinters out again."

"You were right. That WAS fun."

"Funny, You don't look Jewish."

"Aww, look honey: the I heart NY cup and the lamp are kissing!"

"Look! I worked out all weekend and I can finally lift this absurdly heavy wooden cross!"

"So, for you I got the Miro painting, for me I got the lamp, and I'm gonna let the I heart NY cup use us to wreak havock on the world as human marionettes!"

"How do you like my new floral dress?"

"Oh honey, go change that tie... and while you're at it, take off that human-marrionette thing... I'll take mine off too"

"Sometimes I feel like I have to get in control of myself..."

"That is indeed funny, because I don't feel Jewish."

"Before we begin, Art, there's something my dress needs to tell you -- I've got dysentery."

"Just think, in most states gay people aren't allowed to have these things."

"If we both go as marionettes, everyone will know we're married."

I just love those DIY websites! Do you like your irony detector? And look I made one for me, too!

"Now just remember: Our safe word is 'butterscotch', and you've got to cut me loose if I start to turn blue."

"Harold, tell me honestly. We've been married for 13 years and I want you to be honest with me! Does his dress make me look fat?"

Even if we don't win the contest for best costume, this marionette idea took all most no time to make and cost nearly nothing.

"Don't just sit there, Dennis. Bind me, torture me, kill me."

"Max, these puppet strings are all the proof we need that there's some kind of conspiracy afoot."


"Why? To teach that it's always way harder to get untangled."

"You’re gonna love the super hot puppet on puppet action!"

"Then I left them there, just like that. Him sitting inanimate on the chair, and her with the control bar in her hand, as if she actually had a say. If you hadn’t just walked on by the scene I’d created in the store window, and instead stopped to look at it, you’d feel compelled to make up something for her to say that would explain it all.”

"Have we even seen a penny in residuals for all our work on 'Thunderbirds'?"

"Marionette? You hardly even know Annette! For Christ sakes, you should at least bang her first. Trust me on this, I'm a prostitute."

"And here I was thinking nothing could beat Waiting for Godot for tedium."

"You know, dear, sometimes I think we do this to excuse the curious dilatoriness of our search for those poor trained cats popped in from nowhere. Remember ? Four of them....Smart, too."

"Me or them, I say. You think starting tonight those frickin' Frenchy pals of yours could maybe lay off Existentialism for once ?"

"The neighbors left their Christmas lights up 'til February, so I don't see why we can't stay nailed to our crosses for at least another week."

"Actually, I'd prefer to be a finger puppet. Let me show you how that would work."

"Now that we've done away with Mother and Father, I realize how they manipulated us for all these years. Let us celebrate our freedom with another wild killing spree!"

" 'La donna `e mobile', you wish !"

"And I might have sprung for the 'diddle stringers', dear, but they went for $19.95 more...wild extravagance, don't you think, given the 'regulations screw-up'... and what not ?"

"As you can see by the unsubtle label beneath me, the cartoonist apparently thinks Victoria Roberts is an easily manipulated middle-aged whore."

"Good news! We're only the second most incomprehensible thing in the New Yorker this week! Thank God for David Denby."

"I think you misunderstood my Craigslist ad. When I said 'no strings attached,' I meant I wanted to be fucked violently by a man I'd never see again, so as to revisit subconsciously the trauma of my controlling father's abandonment, not that I wasn't another horrifically freakish self-aware marionette. Sorry."

"Hey, look! You've got one of these things too!"

"When they made us dance on the graves of those who've made the supreme sacrifice so we privileged few might prosper? I secretly enjoyed that."

"If you lie, I bet it will grow."

Puppets are for gays. Are we gay?

"I walked through a some power lines on the way home, but so did you, so now you can't yell at me!"

"Doesn't this turn you on, Stanley? I figured you had a puppet fetish after I walked in on you masturbating into a sock."

"I was able to get my tampon reconnected, so there's still hope for your cock!"

"After we're done lynching these crosses, we still have to burn some Nogrees. Um, wait, Negroes. Fucking dyslexia!"

"Ruth Madoff surrenders a passport ; they 'puppet' me ! We talking 'sicko' here, mister. ...Gotta be."

"...so where the 'I Love N.Y.' cup gonna get you, 'sicko' ?! Yeah, like you all never heard of 'Delft', you and Bernie and Ruthie Madoff. Where the justice, I ask y.. ?!"

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