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"...so, each week, I find different homeless and destitute men and help them get back on their feet. And, ya know, they pay me in sexual fayvahs. It doesn't matta if you're old or young; anyone can watch and learn something. My kids do."

"Wow! Sounds like one hell of a show."

"Show?"

Jazz hands!

"Thank you for paying for my breast implants for this appearance. You maybe coulda shelled out a little more, ya know, but whatchagonna do..."

"I'm really feeling good about being here, and not at all afraid I'll be attacked and raped by street vagrants the way the last few actress-singers were. Thanks for putting the bars up!"

"I'm sorry. I ran out of 'funny stories from the set' days ago, and yet, I remain trapped in this talk-show set/dungeon, as you stare at me with that creepy intensity, and I hope you'll understand that I'm beginning to wonder whether I'll ever see my family agai-- oh, we have to go to commercial? No, that's fine. I'll finish the story when we get back."

I've never seen the final cut so I can't wait for the movie to be released! (What do you want from me? The cartoon is utterly generic.)

"No, it's Jacqueline Hanna now. I decided to become a chick after my testicles were torn to shreds by a rabid marmoset. I didn't bring any animals today, but do you wanna see my new vag?"

It's a little-known show business fact that, during Penelope Ann Miller's March, 1995 appearance on "Later with Greg Kinnear", bars were surreptitiously placed on the windows of the set to prevent both host and guest from killing themselves out of sheer boredom.

"Twitter."

"Well, as much as it sucks to be reduced to appearing on this public-access show that's taped out of your first-floor apartment, I'm choosing to take some comfort in the fact that at least I'm the lead-off guest."

"Well, sure, it wasn't fun gaining all the weight for the part, but I think it was worth-- hey! I just noticed: You don't have any cameramen here! In fact, now that I look closer, those cameras don't even seem to be plugged in. And wait a second: There appear to be bars on the windows. And you don't look a thing like Jimmy Fallon. Oh... oh god. Who are you? Where am I? Please, someone help me. This is not in any way a comical or amusing situation."

"A lot of people say I've had work done, but it's just not true. I mean, aside from having my feet turned into hooves."

"Sir, the suggestive position of your left hand leaves me no option but to curtail this interview immediately!"

"Really? Bars on the inside of the windows? Are you insane? Well, Are you?"

"Please let me out of here. I have kids. Please, I'll do anything." (BREAKS DOWN SOBBING)

"Yes, Milton Berle's penis was this long when flaccid, which, unfortunately for him, was the entire time we were together."

"I am haunted by the faces of my victims, which makes it somewhat of a waste to film them on two cameras before I kill them. But go on with your story. We have time."

Two Daleks prepare to torture their prisoners. (Not shown: Doctor Who and musical guest Rihanna.)

Thank you so much for having me here on "Celebrity Tetris". I'm gonna go with the "L" shape.

"Ohhhhh, there are bars on the windows! Wow, it took me a while to figure out why this was even a cartoon."

Isn't Craigslist great!!?? I would never have found out about your terrific show!!! What channel is it on again? And why are there bars on the windows?

"Hey, buddy! My face is up HERE! Oh, not you, Dave -- I'm talking to that asshole on telescope number one."

"I hated it when our ape captors would stand at the window and watch us copulate or defecate. Now the webcams, 24/7. Oh. My. God!"

"No, in fact I really love prison! If you're a lesbian with a certain kind of fantasy life, it's really just perfect. And may I say you look completely credible in that men's suit."

"No, actually frozen arm syndrome is a common side effect of breast reduction surgery. Fortunately, I'm an accomplished accordionist. Ha-ha-ha. And also quite mad."

"Did you just say 'we're going to take a short PRISON break?'
Ha-ha-ha! You are SO funny! Did you make that up on the spot? OMG I love funny men. I would probably do you if it weren't for that dead animal on your head."

"I'm in a new sitcom!!"

"I love the metal bars on the windows! Which reminds me, did you know I recently got my labia pierced?"

"The bars are worth a try, I suppose. Didn't save the Evrolet factory, though."

I love your set's retro theme: the 50's cameras, the 70's please-don't-rob-me bars - and of course the whole concept of a talk show that's not on youtube. I'm just glad bimbos are timeless.

I guess the joke's on me - I thought a show called "Stir Fry" would be about Asian cooking. Say, is it getting hot in here?

"I enjoyed your work on Saturday Night Live and in Fever Pitch, Jimmy, but your talk show kind of sucks so far."

"Dave, I just love your locked-up collection of intraday smallcap stock prices!"

The "stroke your pussy" joke only works if I am holding a cat.

"Can you believe we're in a Caption Contest cartoon and there are no, y'know, fish, or cars crashing through the wall, or I dont know, I could have 3 legs or... whatever. I guess the bars on the windows are kinda weird. Anyway, have you seen my latest movie, Dave? Dave? Dave! Oh my God he's made of wax..."

"And then -- you're not going to be believe this -- I crossed my legs, like this!"

"And so then I was vilified as anti-semitic because I reacted in visceral horror at the site of Palestinian children maimed and killed in the assualt on civilians in Gaza. Weird, because I am Jewish and do believe European Jews have the right to throw Palestinians off their land because our Invisible Cloud Father promised it to us thousands of years ago."

"Yes, they're electric! Wait - I'll show you."

“So I’m behind one door, right, and the tiger is behind the other door, right? And the guy has to choose one of the doors. But wait – his girlfriend TOTALLY knows which room I’m in. So if she points to my door, her boyfriend gets me, and if she points to the other door, her boyfriend gets eaten by the tiger. So what do you think she’ll do? Ha ha! Isn’t it great?”

"I may be blond, but I'm not as dumb as you look."

"Of course I farted. You don't think I smell like this all the time do you?

"When I first realized you had imprisoned me in your basement, I was terrified. But I must say, you've gone out of your way to make me feel special."

"Did you notice there is a black man in a New Yorker cartoon this week? He is in a prison cell. No joke."

"Twat did you say? Cunt hear you."

"Is that a shank you're hiding behind your back or are you just happy to see me?"

"Typical of us, the only two Jews in prison, to make a show out of it."

"If elected, Governor Palin promises to replace the current big government justice system with legally binding afternoon talk shows. She promises everyone a jury of her peers."

"They should've given this show to Joe Garden, Jimmy."

"Hey, Jimmy, if this show isn't scripted how are you expected to forget your lines and laugh at your own jokes before you get to the punchline?"

"The bars may be able to stop me from getting away, Jimmy, but they can't stop me from tearing you hack limb from hack limb, you fraud."

"...And I won't be released until I can at least make 'honorable mention' in the anti-caption contest. Either that or I get gang-raped."

Jesus Christ! What an asshole!

"Someone's been stealing everything in the studio?"

"Yes - our cue cards, our coffee mugs, even our paintings of the city skyline. We're locking it all down."

"You might have to lock Ed down, too!" *audience laughter*

"That's true! Better watch out, Ed...Ed? GODFUCKINGDAMNIT!"

"Black people sure are glad they aren't here to see this."

I can't shake this feeling that we're in a cartoon that's dull even by The New Yorker's standards.

And then, Craig realized what everyone else already knows when it comes to Jessica Simpson: it's a lot easier to tolerate her if, while she speaks, you finger your own ass with your left hand.

"I'd love to tell you all about my new sitcom, fragrance, movie, ghostwritten tell-nothing book, clothing line, action figure, love life, or recent vacation, but we only have moments before the particle cannons reach critical mass and reduce us to a fine pink mist, so I'll just show you my tits."

"Hey Fallon, I like the new basement set. This way, you can be closer to your ratings."

"I just jacked off my agent, and boy are my hands tired!"

"And then after all the drug overdoses, the only bookings I could get were third-rate cable talk shows like this one."

"What a smart idea--making your windows bullet proof."

"I must confess, cigars are not the only thing to get 'rolled' here in Ybor City.

"Hey, what's going on? You said Jerry Lewis would be here!"

"Listen 'Jay Leno'...You're on channel 136 at 4 a.m...You know, sometimes I dance around the house in my underwear. Doesn't make me Madonna."

"Hi Johnnie, I love your new set. Do you like mine? Oh please, call me Marilyn. Don't you just love it here at Madame Tussauds? I just had my legs waxed this morning. And my private parts. Well, okay so they are not so private anymore after Hef took those photos. But at least I had panties on when they took that other set. Did I mention I love your set? Do you like mine? They're wax you know. And they still hold a candle. You know, a candle in the wind. Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in. Did I mention I love your set? Do you like mine?...."

"My husband, Al, is a judge and has won some kinda decapitation contest five times."

It used to be this big, but now that I've had the hormone treatments and found a great wig, I don't miss it at all.

"Ooh, ooh!! Have you ever made love to an ostrich?!..."

"The Aristocats", fuck, I mean "Aristocrats". I should never have had kids.

Rob, the "bulletproof" line wouldn't make a terrible actual-caption...probably too smart to win, but it might make the cut as a finalist.

(Changed the channel)

"I can't tell you how excited I am to be appearing on The Jack Ziegler Show

Thanx,TA.

"Why do I insist on keeping my legs crossed? Have you seen The Crying Game?"

"Well, Jimmy, as an actress, I could never get the attention I craved. But as a serial-killer, the world keeps beating a path to my cell door."

"I always thought of Hollywood as a kind of prison. But I never thought I'd end up inside Hollywood Prison. Ha ha. Sorry. since they locked me up. I don't have any funny anecdotes to tell."

"Blah blah blah my vagina blah blah blah Islamo-fascist blah blah blah my vagina blah blah blah Islamo-fascist blah blah blah I love Israel blah blah blah holocaust blah blah blah my vagina ..."

"I've got a raging yeast infection, ha ha."

Clapton's kid lived a few floors below...

Sets and the City.

Defeat crooked window washers!

Do those two cameras have bipolar lenses?

Gay marriage? Haven't those people suffered enough?

"I'm white, you're white, the set is white. Outside it is urban, dark and ominous. This must be a New Yorker cartoon."

"Oh, and then I wrote..."

I'm haunted by the ratings of my victims.

Well, now we've set up the cameras and put bars on the windows to prevent my escape, and so it is with excited enthusiasm I inquire, how many commercials before the rape?

I'm haunted by the Nielsen ratings of my victims.

"So not only did he forget to judge any caption contests for two weeks in a row, he also didn't add links to the cartoons before that from the ones he left unjudged. Which means that now it's necessary to look through the archives to find any competitions from March or earlier. And that, Rodash, is why you got a multi-million dollar talk show contract and the freedom to ride my tight, moist pussy every night, while he goes to bed alone in a tiny, cockroach-infested apartment. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."

"OK, John. You keep me locked in here all these months. Then you come and practice 'interview' techniques as if you're going to let me go on TV to tell me story. Now I hear you and Elizabeth are going on Oprah... meanwhile I'm going crazy here. Enough of this bullshit! Let's just do the DNA test now!!"

"The average Hmong woman is twice this tall, when recumbent, of course. Ha, ha, ha, ha, haa!"

"You and you alone can be heard by the audience, Morty, due to that lone $5.00 microphone on your desk; so let me just say: pee-pee, ca-ca, boogers, wee-wee and DOOODY!"

But do you see what I'm saying? How can the Shoah retain its moral fabric if the subsequent holocausts of Cambodia, Rwanda, and Darfur are reduced to below-the-fold stories? Where is the lesson learned? Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, haaa, don't mind me, I'm just silly!"

"Me,'shallow'? Why, I'd be out of my depth on a damp sidewalk! Tee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee heeeee!"

"Contemporary Talmudic scholars have nowadays interpreted Exodus 20:26 as a strict prohibition againts internet Upskirt sites. So I'm job hunting again! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, haaaa!"

"...and then I married T.A. Winchler, divorced him, and married T.A. Winchler..."

"Dave, I hope you don't mind, but I brought my own `Top 10' list with me..."

"No - by all means, go ahead."

"Okay. Top ten worst captions for this cartoon we're in:

10. `For a steel cage match, this is pretty civilized.'
9. `I guess you and me won't be picking out curtains.'
8. `This isn't the first time I've looked at the Chrysler building through a set of bars.'
7. `So, the set designer from 'Good Times' finally got a job?'
6. `How are you supposed to jump out when your ratings hit bottom?'
5. `We're trapped! Tell your hair to go for help.'
4. `Looks like you've still got Ed Sullivan's cameras.'
3. `My dress has more right angles than that skyline.'
2. 'All this, just so you could have Courtney Love on?'
And the number one worst caption for the cartoon we're in is...whatever caption wins the REAL New Yorker Caption Contest, because the joke is entirely visual, and any caption will diminish the humor. Thank you!"

"You know Mr Warden, I think having sex with all of your prisoners was the real turning point in my life"

"It was probably just a nasty rumor, but I've heard it said somewhere that Burt Lancaster, who I simply adored, had a very tiny penis or maybe they were talking about the real Birdman of Alcatraz, but I don't know."

"I'm so excited—I won the closed caption contest, and I'm not even hearing impaired!"

"Thanks for having me on and letting me discuss the International Jewish Banking Conspiracy at length. You know you remind me a lot of my first husband...that is before I fed him into the wood chipper. He was a big man. I had to cut him into chunks about yey long. It was surprisingly inefficient."

"Ooh, and remember that time I was wearing the strap-on and snuck up right behind you and then...?"

"Really? How do you arrest a house?"

"Oh, mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy. A kid'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you?"

"I'll just wave my arms and hair and tits around for a while, and you can pretend to be interested in what I say, okay?"

When you're on meth, you can mistake your Shih Tsu for your wig...

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in the cage.

Drew Barrymore at 65.

In the green room, I practiced on the flesh Mike.

What does Regina Lasko have that I don't? Other than 50 million dollars of your money for popping out Letterman Jr. Was that a Jackson/Presley kind of thing? Do you both bring brown bags? Have you touched her since?

"Don't get me wrong, I think the Invisible Man is an excellent wacky sidekick. But could you tell him now to let go of my breasts?"

I'll serve the suspension and I apologize to all my fans, but I think we should be clear that it wasn't steroids.

"Thanks again, Winona, and remember- she'll be perofrming here for the next 5 to 7 years."

"Sumner Redstone called. He wants his fabulously realistic honey blonde wig back ... oh yeah, and also access to every YouTube user account, including but not restricted to a complete list of all the videos each user has ever viewed."