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April 27, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #191

This one will be judged, I promise.

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First place
"Hmm, tough question. If I could have any super power in the world... probably super-strength, I guess. That or laser vision. You?"—Vlad

Second place
Hypnotic Balloon Knot Anus Cat uzes powars fer evel. —Damon

Third place
Feed a cat a mouse, he's happy for a day. Hurl a cat off a cliff along with a bunch of mice, he's happy for the rest of his life.—mypalmike

Honorable mention
"Sniff my ass, ya dirty fucking lemmings!" —David

"As you all can see, we're leaving that hillock and are now rounding the corner of the frozen lake to our right. Pay no attention to the snowdrifts behind us, or the fact that our perspective seems slightly off."— Tim C.

"i haz invisible ledge. lol." — therblig

"No children, if you want to master "feline parachuting" you need to spread your legs and arch your back so you can float slowly down to the ground like mommy. Kids! Come back and listen to what I'm saying." —Richard H

"Goddamned GPS!!"—Tim H

"And the spaceship will pick us up to take us to Urania before we hit the ground, right? Right?"— Francis

"Wait ... I thought Disney made that up."— Jim/The Velvet Blog

"Follow me, follow me you foolish little lemmings, as I compel you to waste valuable brain energy thinking up foolish captions for un-judged contests! Muwahahahaha!"— Redundent

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

Rats. I mean lemmings. Those are lemmings, right?

"9 - 1 = 8. 1 - 1 = 0. PWNED!"

i haz invisible ledge. lol.

"See what I mean? Even pussies can be part of a suicide cult!"

An apt metaphor for anti-caption contest participants.

"Like my Mom always said, 'When you're handed lemmings, then make lemmingade.'"

"I represent Michael Steele, and you all represent rank-and-file Republicans. I realize that this is a hacky way of illustrating this point, but you've got to admit: It's still better than anything Sean Delonas has ever or will ever do."

"Missy watched as one by one they jumped to their doom. The rising bloody mess below only seemed to accentuate each deadly thud and splatter. She didn't realize they wouldn't be able to jump the full three feet to safety."

"Now and forever, my ass."

"Why not Bil Keane?"

"As you all can see, we're leaving that hillock and are now rounding the corner of the frozen lake to our right. Pay no attention to the snowdrifts behind us, or the fact that our perspective seems slightly off."

"She knew it was rare but hoped at least one miniature swine flew."

"Oh God, I'm only now realizing that there may not be enough room on Farley Kotz's signature for all of us."

"No children, if you want to master "feline parachuting" you need to spread your legs and arch your back so you can float slowly down to the ground like mommy. Kids! Come back and listen to what I'm saying."

Follow me. Let's land on that "Farley Katz" sign.

(Outtake from Art Spiegelman's graphic-novel adaptation of Quentin Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds". Not pictured at left of frame: mice holding bayonets.)

Aim for that water filled piano below.

You're all grounded.

"...and, at the end of the commercial, the swimming pool has no water in it. So quit the meth, guys."

I guess you've never heard the one about herding cats.......

Allow me to introduce myself. I am the inventor of the lemming chute, the world's first safety device for suicidal rodents....

I never thought shitting out lemmings would generate so much forward momentum.

"If my theory is correct our splattered bodies will spell out the winning caption."

"I'm sorry children. Even the happiest mother can be overcome by postpartem depression. And anyway, half of you look like little pigs."

"Who is this Richard Gere that you're trying so hard to escape?"

According to the text book objects of different weight would fall at the same rate and yet the lemmings are all falling faster than I. Either the laws of physics have been suspended or I have misread the chapter. Or I overdid the ritalin. I'll have to reread my notes after I land.

"With their keen eyesight, the common cat is able to attack their prey from as high as a thousand feet."

(from 'Best of Wacky Wild Kingdom Out-takes')

MEEEEOOOOWWWW-AA-BUNGAH!

"Mee-ow?"

My judgement and understanding of reality has been impaired by watching too many cartoons. And you?

"Kitties of Krypton, it is time to assume your Destiny! And you five pigs on the ledge,what with the swine flu and all, you may as well jump too."

"The cat was a possessor of a family of its own,
With seven little kittens till there came a cyclone;
Blew the houses all apart and tossed the cat around,
The air was full of kittens, and not a one was ever found.

But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea

-Sing with me, kids!""

"And the spaceship will pick us up to take us to Urania before we hit the ground, right? Right?"

"Hmm, tough question. If I could have any super power in the world... probably super-strength, I guess. That or laser vision. You?"

"Hang in there, Bea, we'll be there in a minute!"

Cat: "This time it'll be judged. I promise"

"What up, mu'fuckas?!"

"Wait ... I thought Disney made that up."

"Are we ignorant of the fate which awaits us at the bottom? Of course not. Though society sees us as brainless drones, we're actually choosing to end the mundane cycle that is a lemming's existence before the tedium turns into something more painful. There will never be a lemming president, nor a lemming great leader, nor an ageless love story involving our species. What's the value of insignificance? Less than nothing. This is better."

Cat: "Your wife wants to see `Ghosts of Girlfriends Past' on Friday, and you want out."

"Fuckin' a."

"Ha Ha! Fooled you!"

"Uh-oh, we're fall...; hey, that cloud looks just like a cat!"

"I hate to tell you this, guys, but 'Jonathan Livingston Lemming' is just a story."

"Look on the bright side: you at least got an iconic video game based on you. I got freakin' Mappy. Who the hell remembers Mappy?"

"So how many lives do miniature obese rabbits get?"

"Listen my little birdies, you have to learn how to fly sometimes. Oh shit. We're kitties, not birdies. Why do I always get so confused?"

"Now do you believe me -- it's not that easy."

Facebook, 10:05AM: Cat has 11 friends.
Facebook update, 10:06AM: Cat wrote on Wall - "Just went cliff diving wif my homies, lol!"
Facebook update, 10:06AM: Cat has 0 friends.
Facebook update, 10:07AM: Cat has posted recipe for lemming stew. (Cat #2 likes this.)

"OK. Now what?"

"Fuck you guys. I mean it. Fuck you all."

In an attempt to cover up the retaliation murder of the cat who ate Minnie Mouse, Disney concocted the story of how lemmings commit mass-suicide in a film titled "White Wilderness," for which they won an academy award.

[citation: http://archives.cbc.ca/science_technology/natural_science/clips/9709/]

Once again, proof that no good comes from chasing pussy.

"No, no, no, you pathetic girls! The jete comes on the third beat! From the second bar, let's try this agaaaaaaaaiiiiiin . . ."

"So you're the real Liz Lemming?"

Hypnotic Balloon Knot Anus Cat uzes powars fer evel.

"Ten years in the business and the only parts I get offered are as an extra if there's like a kennel scene or something. I told my agent I'd rather go jump off a fuckin' cliff. What's your story?"

This cartoon doesn't have a caption. Am I missing something?

"Hay gang, come on over to al in la's blog. He posted a winner for last week's contest. I'll bet his choice will surprise you."

(NOTE: The cat's right. Click on my name to visit my blog to see my picks for Cap Contest #190.)

"Oh, SHIT! That was number nine."

"What's up, you ask? Catsup. Hahahahahaaaaaaaa..."

Sniff my ass, ya dirty fucking lemmings!

"Wheee! That was one hell of a CATapult."

No, really. You guys will land on your feet. (snickers) I love this gag!

"Excuse me -- is this the way to Oslo?"

"Crap, I thought you guys were gerbils! Goddamnit!"

"Gesundheit."

"Meow."

Don't worry. Radosh is putting up the net right after he judges this contest. No, wait! AAaaaaaaaiiiieeeeee!!

Cuyyyyyyyy!*


*rhymes with wheeee!

"I'm sure glad there are no people here to see this."

"Hey guys, why's there a cat here with us?"

"This reminds me of that harrowing scene from a Thomas Hardy novel, I think it was FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD, where that new dog breaks out and herds the sheep in the middle of the night, sending the young farmer's whole whole flock off a cliff. I never did finish the book. I wonder what happened to those sheep?"

"Goddamned GPS!!"

"Follow me, follow me you foolish little lemmings, as I compel you to waste valuable brain energy thinking up foolish captions for un-judged contests! Muwahahahaha!"

"When pigs fly....or was it when miniature pigs fly out of my butt...or when three little pigs fly off a cliff, or eleven, something pied piper, lemmings....this dream really sucks...."

"Does this free fall make me look fat?"

"Like I always say, 'When in Acapulco...'"

Swine flew is very contagious.

"Don't worry, I land on my feet every time."

Predictable reaction to the news that Rush Limbaugh supports the Humane Society.

"Now do you understand how much I hate you, you sniveling little copycats?"

"I'm gonna kill you, Ray Romano."

OK, so we jumped. What comes next in your so-called trust exercise?

Cat: "This one will be judged, I promise."

"It's Monday here at radosh.net, so start submitting the worst possible captions for the new uncaptioned cartoon in this week's New Yorker. The fun begins now!"

Feed a cat a mouse, he's happy for a day. Hurl a cat off a cliff along with a bunch of mice, he's happy for the rest of his life.

"Yeah, I lost the will to live, too, after that asshole Radosh stopped judging the anti-caption contest."

"No, no, no, flap your paws like THIS!"

ATTENTION:Winners for the two previous anti-cap contests (#188 & 189) have been posted on my blog. Please visit and leave a comment.

That is all.

Okay, try this link. (Sorry, it's all so new to me!)

Thank God for al in la! I was about to end it all.

Yes, I'm leaping to my death because Al in LA has decided to appoint himself judge, jury and executioner of the un-judged contests, and his choices show a distinct lack of understanding of the purpose and mission of the ANTI-caption contest. I mean, basically, he is a shitty judge. Oh, those guys behind me are my 11 lives in miniature leaping with me (I know, cats are thought to have only nine lives, but this is a common misconception....)

"I'm not jumping because I didn't win a badly judged contest, I'm jumping because I have giant miniature pig-like fleas, as you can plainly see shedding off my body and scattering behind me at this very moment...."

See the ferocious feral cat, outnumbered by the hyena-piglets and driven to its death. Gene mutations have turned the balance of nature on its head.

"This is gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you."

"By the way, did I tell you my name is Bernie? Bernie Madoff."

"Uh-oh... I think I misunderstood those Cliff Notes."

"I never really understood F. Scott Fitzgerald."

"Andrea Yates got nothin' on me!"

Why isn't the cat falling to?

"Nope... Ain't nothin' funny about this. No, sir. Nothin'."

"I saw this in a Wiley Coyote cartoon. Just don't acknowledge that you are falling and you can stay suspended forever... or maybe even dash back to Terra Firma!"

"The updrafts here are unseen!"

"You may remember me from such posters as 'Hang in there'...'Thank God it's Friday'... and now this one, 'Stock Market Confidence 2009'."

"Meow!... Just Fuckin' Meow!"

Like Arlen Specter said, I didn't leave the cliff, the cliff left me.

"I can haz infanticide?"

"What'll them Duke boys do next?"

"I am the mainstream media and you are the American public. The clouds are, I dunno, blogs or something."

"You have nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and your rapidly approaching doom."

"Hello meow meow isn't it a beautiful meow meow day meow meow to die meow meow in the meow meow neighborhood meow." (with apologies to Mr. Rogers)

"I hear the fall from this height won't kill you,... but the sudden stop at the bottom will!"

"Gees... are you sure we turned the faucet in the kitchen off before we left??!"

"Whilst you commit Lemmicide I shall commit Felinicide!"

"Damn, I really wanted to live to see Jared Fogle get fat again

"I go to meet Doug Kenney!"

"It's better to burn out than to fade awayyyyyyy!"

"The obscenities here are meows."

"It's straight ahead—you can't miss it."

“Welcome to Southwest Air. Those in group A will now board the plain.”

"Damn! You stupid, sheep-like bastards."

"'Farley Katz' sounds nothing like how a Japanese tourist says 'falling cats.' Stop this racist insensitivity forthwith!"

"I'm on drugs!
--No, wait, I don't want that to be my last words. I am a golden god!"

[IMAGINE THE VOICE OF EDWARD G. ROBINSON]:"Where's your golden parachute now, piggy boy? nyahhhh."

NOTE: Click the link below to see the highly controvercial unofficial winners from the past three anti-cap contests.

"Even though Tabby drowned after the long fall into the lake below, the 'mer-pigs' survived... because they had gills. So... Swine flew?!? No, they fell and swam!... Oh... Swine FLU?! Never mind."

"Pigs and a cat....you expected more?"

These little piggies went too far, cat!

"Wait, I've got another metaphor! I'm Rush and you're what's left of the Republican Party!"

Wow, Look at me! I'm a cat free falling off a cliff with a bunch of fucking lemmings.

Jesus Christ, what an asshole.

"In other news today a Kennedy family spokesman said that long time family cat Wilberforce was killed today in what was described as a hunting accident."

And this is your cat on drugs. Any questions?

"I can't believe a herd of lemmings would chase an Edward Gorey cat pin over a cliff."

Not an anti-caption attempt: But wouldn't a cat probably actually do this?

What you see here is a single cell from an obscure Disney production depicting Matthew 28 where Jesus transfers the Gadarene demons into a herd of swine that then go running over a cliff. The film was part of a larger production of Bible stories narrated by Disney characters. This passage featured the voice of Elmer Fudd as the first Demoniac. "What have you to do with us Son of God? Have you come to torment us before the time?"
Porky Pig declined to play the leader of the possessed pigs claiming it was anti-semitic, hence the cat.

(Correction: that's matthew 8:28, New Revised Standard Edition.)

"Listen, do you hear it? That galloping bongo sound? It means no harm will come of us so enjoy the free fall down."

"See, nothing like a New Yorker caption-contest cartoon for a wide open, unexploited area to begin over again. We're not exactly talking Norman Thelwell here."

"The herbs there are obscene ?"

"You should see the emigration out of Mexico."

"Setting aside for the moment the fact that you lemmings generally follow a quite individualistic and solitary lifestyle, the sociologist and educator David Riesman might have argued that you lemmings represented his famous concept of the 'other-directed' personality, whereas we ca..... whereas we ca..... What the de'il !"

- Range-bound and phlegmatic as he characteristically is, 'Lemmus lemmus' may yet be capable of precipitate, unseasonable bouts of exertion similar in some respects even to the erratic courses of New York or northeastern seaboard cartoon-contest editors and judges. -

"We spoke up about the mainstream media's incessant demonization of Palestinians and Muslims in general, so we'll never work in this town again. Should have followed Malcolm Gladwell's example, clever house goy that he is."

Hey, I'm an honorable mention! Is it weird if I put that on my resume?

So 188,189,190 will not be judged?

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