April 20, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #190


Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Whenever I see animals in sculpture I always look to see if the anus, or in this case, the cloaca, is realisitically rendered. Then I imagine the artist spending all that time studying and then recreating the details of the anus or cloaca."

"Oh my god. Look closer, that's not sand, it's..it's.. bull shit!"

"Well, we've had bullshit on Wall Street, maybe now's the time for ostrich shit."

"Look, I get the joke. It's just that, in the current economic environment, I feel like our money might've been better spent on things other than comically appropriate statuary."

"Now, where did I see those legs before? Oh, yeah, I bumped into my ex-wife yesterday."

"An ostrich with its head in the sand? Huh. That's an interesting interpretation, but what I was going for was 'murdered emu'."

"Nice legs. Shame about the face."

"I don't know much about art, but I know what I don't like."

"It's nice to see something embracing terra firma in a city where the buildings don't touch the ground."

"I feel like an ostrich burger."

"Did you say Burglar?"

"Fuck you."

"I gotta say it: 'The ostriches here are obscene.'"

"Between my loveless marriage, my thankless job, my non-existent bonus, and the general public disdain for the work I've done in the past decade, sometimes, I wonder whether I'd be better off just killing -- oh, hey, new statue! -- myself."

"Don't fool yourself girl. It's going right up your poop shoot!" [Zappa]

"You know, when you think about it, it makes sense that they're changing these sculptures. It's a like a whatchamacallit, a metaphor."

"It was a toss-up between chicken-little and the ostrich, but since the panic is behind us we though it'd be best to project a sense of helplessness."

"Whattadey gonna do with this bull, boss?"

"It'll be Jim Cramer's headstone."

"But he ain't de - "

*sharp glare*

"Oops. Sorry."

Yeah, when I aged out of Tintin they started using me in these. Poor Snowy did a fold-out in "Cracked."

Finally, my expertise in avian hemorrhoids will be put to the test.

"They're replacing that bull statue with an ostrich statue? That can't be a good sign for the markets. But I don't really follow the news, I'm mostly just into sudoku."

"Merrill Lynch is ostrish on America."

Oh, I don't think her legs are that spectacular. It's just the high heels.

"Oh, man, those hooves are going to turn me on every time I walk by this."

"What happened to the fucking bear?"

"Well, shit, Larry, whose balls are you going to rub for good luck now? You'll have to find some new balls to rub, huh Larry? You know, for good luck? But whose balls, Larry, whose? Waitaminute -- are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah? No? Larry? Don't look at me like that, Larry, I'm just trying to be helpful here. They're taking down your statue. I'm just saying, Larry. It's bad luck. [pause] Seriously, I would fuck you so hard. [pause] Just think about it, Larry. Don't give me an answer right now. Just think about it."

Hey, isn't that the national bird of Kenya?

And I just got used to writing Year of the Bull on my checks.

"The obscene here are ours."

"At least we're not being judged by the cars crashing through are ceilings, fish floating in our pianos, or needles sticking in our bodies."

"The way I hear it, Jerry Reinsdorf fell on tough times, sold the Chicago Bulls to some Arab guy, and BINGO!...The Chicago Ostriches


"W.C.Fields was right, 'There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.' "

"Next time we stage an interspecies homosexual fuckathon, we gotta remember: It doesn't matter how eager the catcher is if the pitcher is too shy. Write that down, OK?"

"Why not Bill Keane?"

"I love these chalk art 3D illusions."

"First the Kentucky Fried Chicken becomes Kentucky Roast Chicken and now the burger places are going exotic. Can't one thing just stay the same?"
"Hustler still features beaver."
"That's what I'm talking about."

"It was supposed to depict Wall Street's 'head up the ass' attitude but, once again, Obama refused to get tough and he compromised too much."

"Wow! This bronze emu's asshole is utterly fascinating. "

"Is it a good idea to just leave sculptures in the middle of the street?"

"Yeah. they're sending the bull to be used in a time-travel experiment to fuck with Moses."

"Did you know that we're not actually on Wall Street, we're on Broadway? And the bull was originally a practical joke. Fucking tourists, huh?"

Hey, pal, you looking for the results from the past couple weeks? Good luck.

I'm haunted by the...damn, no face!

"Whoa, check out those gams! Yeah, I know, you're more of an ass man."

"This one really hits home. We're just like this ostrich, hiding our heads in the sand while our buildings slowly vanish from the ground up."

I try to look away but it's hard not to stare at the little workers in their little overalls.

The oompa loompas are restless.

"Fucking MIT students!"

"I hear they've already finished the preliminary sketches for the 'Roadkill' statue".

What will those fucking Somali pirates demand next?

Christ, what an ostrich-hole.

I see that the ostrich-cobblestone maglev project was shovel-ready.

I'm trying to avoid staring at the Teamster in front of us who's shoving his colleague into the bull's anus.

The city is dissolving all around us! We're all gonna die! Oh look, a statue.

"The original concept was a blind person being gang raped by swine. But the city throught that was a little busy for this spot."

"Christ, what an asshole"

"Jenkins, take a note: Purchase one step ladder, one box of condoms and clear my afternoon calendar!"

"You think that's odd...last night I watched a guy play a piano full of fish!"

"Wow, I really hope that's not a fountain..."

"Has anyone ever mentioned you bear a striking resemblance to Tintin? Are you in fact Tintin sent here to investigate some corporate crime? Or perhaps a bizarro, John Galt Tintin, here to rally the disgraced overlords of finance instead!"

"I can't believe PETA's paying each of us a hundred bucks just to roll this thing into the Burger King drive-thru."

"An ostrich doesn't really bury its head in the sand."

"Well, you didn't really fuck Pam Dawber in the ass. But you still have that statue."


"They are calling it the obvious jokes project. They replaced Father Duffy with Goofy."

"You know what?! Someone's gonna trip on that statue's base!"

"...their beak can hold more than their belly-can!... Oh, wait... wrong bird!"

"Ostrich... Os...trich... Hmmm. Strange word... Ostrich... Hmmm
Ostrich, ostrich ostrich!"

"Must be April already... You know... Statue of the month club?!"

The result of the Giant Animal Statue Race is going to be a foregone conclusion this year, even if Team Ostrich CAN turn up to attach the wheels in time.

The worst part is how it marks the hour with a stream high-velocity synthetic diarrhea projected through the window of our accounting department. Lucky our cleaning is paid for by the bailout.

stream *of* high-velocity synthetic diarrhea, dammit

"I still need to come up with a slogan for Red Bull."

"Speaking of bulls, check it out - they're taking the statue away."

"And they've replaced it with an ostrich."

"That's funny. Look at his wings."

"Wait......bull......wings......I've got it! `Red Bull – Caffeinated Horse Piss.'"

WHAT AN ACTUAL WALL STREET GUY WOULD SAY: "We should set him up with Roxanne in accounting. I hear she gives excellent head...More cocaine?"

"This reminds me of a funny story about when I got drunk and raped our Au Pair?"

"That bird ain't goin' NOWHERE."

"I see the Tea Party Protesters have their own animal symbol now."

"There's nothing quite as charming as a cobblestone street."

"Look, Big Bird's feet are backwards and his cock is being devoured by ants."

"Look at the three assholes on that bull."

"Look at the two assholes on that ostrich."

"Ha ha! It's a bury-your-head-in-the-sand market! That's funny."

"One day, Jim and Julian resolved to end their torrid love affair to return to their boring lives. Suddenly, there appeared an ostrich with its head in the sand alongside a charging bull guided by three swarthy contraction workers. They were inspired to stay together for the rest of their lives."

"One day, Jim and Julian resolved to end their torrid love affair to return to their boring lives. Suddenly, there appeared an ostrich with its head in the sand alongside a charging bull guided by three swarthy construction workers. They were inspired to stay together for the rest of their lives."

"OK, move him right over there. And... Checkmate!"

"This pair of sculptures represents things that have disappeared from America: the bull market, the American worker, natural wildlife, and vinyl records."

"Yeah, push that shit back in there."

"I preferred it when they put the statues on a central island. That way they didn't block traffic so much."

"This statue has nothing to do with market sentiment. It's just an an acknowledgment that we are no longer allowed to look our customers in the face while shitting on them."

This is a terrible zoo.

"I'm sure glad there are no black people here to see this."

"Mmph mmmmph mph." (From the ostrich.)

"I sometimes think this whole thing is a wake-up call from God for America to leave its spendthrift ways and return to the solid moral values my parents had in the 1950s. That's why I fired my Mexican gardner and Dominican maid and put all the money I saved into my money market account."

No, that's definitely an elbow. Now, let's get back to managing other people's money.

"Well, what can you expect when they hire Three Guys With A Truck Who Move Statues of Bulls and Ostriches?"

"Well I'll be! That looks like the manager of my 401(k) account!"

"That one I call "taking the bull by the horns" and this one is "life."

"There was some back-and-fourth on the plaque: 'Kiss my ass,' 'Eat shit,' 'Drop dead, you stupid sheep'...They settled for, 'Performance quoted is past performance and is no guarantee of future results.'...Fucking lawyers."

"Sure, easy enough, but if you let them know you're a vet they hold you liable for whatever happens."

"Why d'ya figure they're putting up a statue of Phyllis Diller burying her head in the sand?"

"Well, looks like it's back to business-as-usual here on Sesame Street."

"Common misconception, Watson. Given its height and girth, this was never a statue of an ostrich but rather a 'moa', once populace in prehistoric New Zealand but extinct now for centuries."

"Because of an uncontrollable high-heel/flightless bird kink, I'll be walking with my attache in a boner hiding posture. OK by you?"

"It's either a shame metaphor for our collective Madoff gullability or a tacit admission that 'Leighton' can't draw bird heads."

"Remember wax paper? Used get baloney sandwiches in my school lunchbox, mom would always have them wrapped in wax paper. It's just baggies these days, I guess."

"Rumor has it he's meant to be fellating a ground hog. Weird, huh?"

1ST Broker: It's probably going to get hit by a car, just sitting out here in the street.

2nd Broker: You're right about that...sawhorses with blinking lights would help to avert that.

1st Broker: Or those orange cones one often sees.

Ostrich: (in muffled tones): Men are fools!

"We're going from e-moo to emu. Get it, ha, ha, ha, get it? Like eTrade, you know? Geez, you have no sense of humor."

I can't help thinking that a cowbird would have been a better metaphor for Wall Street.

"Too soon"

I brought a couple of midget Teamsters. Do you mind?

"I kinda get the ostrich statue, but I can't figure out the statue of workers pushing a bull."

"You know the one about turkeys looking up in the rain, and drowning? That seems more to the point."

"That reminds me, I'll be filming some anal with a chick in a feather boa and I need a tripod."

"Nobody gets it, Tompkins—he's counting his buried cash."

"Look at that... A couple of unskilled laborers rolling a large, heavy statue down a hill using a cart with no brakes. This should end well."

"Our first choice was a dung beetle."

"Statue." "Gesundheit."

"Statue?" "Yeah, 'smee."

Well, what the hell did she expect would happen wearing those 'fuck me' pumps?

"We should have learned from the Spanish about getting gored and trampled in the streets."

"You know, I'm really getting tired of these 9-11 memorials."

"Bear market??? We're lookin' at the bottom of a 'lookin' for the bottom of the market market. No bull!"


It's high time the SEC got some appropriate recognition.

Businessman in suit: See those guys carting away the bull jabbering away about their chile con queso? It's just another disgusting example of how the goddamn mexicans are taking all the good jobs and destroying our economy.

We thought it better represented our Keynesian economic order. The bull is being shipped back to Austria.

"Looks like that zoning variance came through."

"Well look at that. There's a resume stuffed up his ass."

-- 'If threatened while sitting on the nest, which is simply a cavity scooped in the earth, the hen presses her long neck flat along the ground, blending with the background. Ostriches, contrary to popular belief, do not bury their heads in the sand.' --

"Anyways, so 'Zane', the bull's other name, see, was owned by this Ralph Helfer, the creator of AFRICA U.S.A., this animal behavior spread located in Southern California. Anyways, so later Tippi Hed... What the ...!"

"Symbolism? Okay. Ostriches wear high heels and will stop at nothing to sneak into the subway. What does it say to you?"

"For some reason, this reminds me of that episode of Sesame Street. You know- the one where Grover fucked Big Bird in the ass."

"What's the point of working on Wall Street if you can't 'game' the system. It's like a porn film with no money shot. Like a duel with blanks. Like a caption contest with no winners."

"It's a good thing there are no 'NASDAQS' here to spear this. Capisce ? ... Freakin' savages ! 'AAA bonds' how to go, my man."

"Hunh ? Says, 'The statue before you was commissioned on behalf of the producers of LOOSE CHANGE and is dedicated to the people of the United States, but for whose ongoing inspiration the work may never have come to day. .... Yeah, well, lots of luck, statue !"

Got a quarter? I wanna try the new ride.

" 'Feather, could you spare that dime ?', hunh, Maxwell ? .....Say, no chance you in 'Chrysler', is there ?"

" The executive who signed off on these lifelike replicas of a penguin and otter received a $10,000,000 bonus-you know you have to retain sound management with good judgment."

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test.


This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is used to broadcast news and information about an emergency (A big-ass monster like Godzilla, a natural disaster like an earthquake, Kit Lo getting his just desserts in a first date, etc.). If this was a real emergency, the beep would have been followed with news and instructions.

This concludes the test of the emergency broadcast system.

"If we had a chainsaw, we could make a killing on Wall Street."

The bear mauled his broker.

I was afraid of this, we've skipped "Bear" altogether and gone straight into a "Bur-ied ostritch head in the sand" market.

New Star Trek movie opening soon - something made me think of Klingon Uranus. Oh, and George Takei.

"He's looking for the caption contest winners from contest #188 and #189."

"Shame, really, Amy Domini's having to part with long-cherished lobby decor like this."

"Oooeey ! If sculpture could talk ! These started out over at Kozlowski's !"

"Yeah. Word is couple sly types donating this over to Nancy at the Reagan Library. Ostrich, I'm talking. ... Expect she's a touch senile, poor woman."

"Well, that's weird. I've lived in Boise my entire life and never noticed that bull before."

"I always wondered if they did 'cut-and-cover' along here myself."

"The largest organized crime syndicate in this country, otherwise known as the banking system, is just so damn adorable."

"Ostrich statue???!!! I hardly KNOW you!"

"Over the phone it sounded like the salesman said it was a statue about Auschwitz."

"Emu EMU I want MOA!!! .....sorry, I had drugs for lunch."

"Don't bother. Radosh is just going to declare anti-caption bankruptcy anyway."

"Not an ostrich. Not an emu. It's a rhea, like Perlman.

That reminds me . . . d'ja hear about Bea Arthur?

"The hindsight seeing tourists will love it."

Attention Contest #190 entrants:


Click on my link below to see it!

"A rat devouring her young would be more appropriate."

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