April 13, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #189


Posted by Daniel Radosh



Whaddya mean, "Is it in?"

I was ambushed by savages. Wow, your pussy is drenched.

Once my coffee stirrer porcupine outfit is finished, I can consummate my bizarre sex ritual on this dead prostitute.



Once my coffee stirrer porcupine outfit is finished, I can consummate my bizarre sex ritual on this dead prostitute. [that was me . . .]

I started with just a few needles and thateased my emotional pain. Now I can't stop. Wait, should I be lying down?

OK, just relax, you're going to feel just a little prick . . .

I'm starting to think you aren't really afraid of the needles, but okay, one more time I'm going to show you it doesn't hurt. Then it's your turn, I mean it.

I'm having trouble turning off the italics. The accupuncture isn't helping.

International hostage rescue *and* a new puppy? Yeah, I'd say Obama had a good Easter weekend . . .

The artist apparently ignored the cartoon concept of "motion lines," but I'm furiously finger-frigging you as I speak.

"Yes, I get the point."

"Of course, electrolysis is a always an option, but he wanted to run a few tests and check for a hormonal imbalance first, just to be on the safe side."

"You see? I told you I would stop screaming after the 25th one."

"I'm putting the rest of these into my eyes. And I won't feel a thing!"

"Nope, I still want to rape you...Nope, I still want to rape you...Nope, I still want to rape you...Nope, I still want to rape you...."

"Always let the Wookie win when you play 'pick up sticks'."

"Only the one in my urethra hurts."

Yes dear. I have been hiding my true identity. I AM PorcupineMan. Now if you don't mind, I must leave to fight SkunkGirl who at this moment is stinking up our fair city.

My electrolysis treatment offers slightly different but novel results.

It's called "Inaccupuncture".

I'm a city boy, but I like practicing medicine in the sticks.

"So how long have been the President of the 'Hellraiser' fan club?"

"Is what safe?"

"These selections help control premature ejaculation. Now, please remove your clothes."

"Just for full disclosure: we've had a recent spike of AIDS cases pop up in the office."

"I've got the puncture down, but I'm still working on the accu."

No, wait!

"Yes, it does hurt. Now, why are you sleeping on my dining room table?"

"Remember how you told me spaghetti would stick only if it'd been cooked long enough? Yeah - add that one to your menagerie of lies."

"Pick one, they said. You can't pursue two dreams, they said. Either accupuncture or embalming, they said. Ha! Little did they know!"

"Honey, wake up. I need you to call 911. I'm going into toxic chakra."

"Have you been using my needles for electrolysis again?"

"Yeah, but I can't find the fucking haystack."

I second


"Yes, I was recently attacked by a porcupine. But you're the one seeking a pap smear from a vet."

"Aurora, it's me, your prince, I'm finally here! Man, you would not believe the fucking forest of thorns I had to go through..."

We were playing "Pooh sticks" and I accused Piglet of cheating. He was, too, the trefe little bastard.

I don't care what your sheets say - those are not double-d's. The needles? I have no idea.

"The joke's on the Hovitos. I'm immune to dart frog poison."

What? These? I'm trying to get cast as a Young Adama on the BSG prequel.


"Yeah, I'm not sure why they can't simply draw the lines in afterward, either, but they're paying us handsomely to pose for these anatomical diagrams, so just hold still."

"So when did you last see a dentist?"

"During today's eye exam, you may experience a little bleeding."

Sorry about the splinters, I play Jesus in my parish's passion play and the damn prop guys didn't have time to sand down the old rugged cross. Still, you should see the guy who played Judas.

"I think I was supposed to stick these needles into you."

"So if there's no fast-acting poison in any of the five remaining needles, will you finally accept my diagnosis of paranoia?"

"I sometimes feel compelled to do strange things to impress women. Do you like me? Do you want to have coffee? Please say yes."

"The OW!ers here are unclean."

"What? Oh, no, I'm not Dr. Huang -- he's in Suite 1. This is Suite l -- with a lower case 'L'. It stands for 'lab-coat wearing sociopath who enjoys playing with needles'. Really, I don't know how much clearer I could make things."

I hope the facts that I'm neither Asian nor competent put you off accupuncture.

"Once I've finished removing these, we're going to have a talk about why shooting the doctor with dozens of blow darts is not okay."

"OK, I knew it wouldn't be easy to be the first male Clinique salesperson AND the first one in the Amazon, but y'know what? Screw this. I quit."

"Did I fall asleep?"
"For a little while."
"Shall I go now?"
"If you like."
"Hey, what happened to your--"
"Don't ask."

You shoulda seen the other guy - I'm pretty sure I broke every bone in his body.

"Okay, I get that an erection of over 4 hours isn't your cup of tea. Now help me pull all this stuff out and get the damn thing down!"

"Helen, it's your freakin' porcupine! I told you it was a bad idea to have one as a pet! You ask for my help getting him back in his enclosure... and while I do all the work YOU TAKE A NAP!?!"

"Okay... my 'chi' and 'Chakras' are aligned. Now, what seems to be the problem."

"Damned stupid box of Acupuncture needles fell on me. Can we reschedule?"

"Since you asked, that asshole doctor House inserted these dirty cocktail weiner toothpicks into my pressure points to prove some obscure point. He's a menace, that House. A menace."

(singing) "I'm a necrophilic acupuncture doctor! And this corpse is oh so perfect for my cock-TOR!"

"How are you with sharing needles?'

"I just got back from a chiropractors' convention. Needless to say, being an acupuncturist I received an excessive amount of needling."

"It looks like I'm going to use all the pins on myself, do you mind if I fork you?"

"Seriously, once they start sticking them in your scrotum you don't even feel the ones in your face."

"No, we don't do acupuncture. We do treat tiny armed archers, but generally only under group plans."

"The ones on my forehead are, 'When are you going to fix the garage door?' and the ones on my back are, 'When are you going to paint the back hallway?' etc. etc. etc."

Mom, if you can give me something to remove unwanted hair, especially from my palm, I'll stop watching you while you sleep. I swear, this time I will.

"This isn't funny. And yet it's ten times funnier than any `Mad About You' episode you and Paul Reiser made."

"See? It doesn't hurt. But it won't make your tits bigger. If you want a pair of Ds, I suggest plastic surgery...or just reach behind your head."

"There are half as many needles as you think, and they are going all the way through me."

"I'm going to slowly move my right hand up your left thigh and you tell me where your uncle touched you."

"Please help me."

"I cannot cause the large unsightly tumor at the back of your head to disappear. At best I can alleviate the discomfort somewhat. I'm terribly sorry."

"Ha! You see, you can use chopsticks from Panda Express for this shit. You owe me oral sex."

"It keeps women off me while I'm conducting their breast exam."

"I'd like to get my needle count down."

"Any night I chug more than eight quarts of pork gravy, these doodads shunt off the excess. But you're gonna say, 'Honey, just don't drink so much pork gravy.' Well here's the thing: I Like Pork Gravy. Now, get up."

"It's your turn to mollify the Lilliputians. Now, get up."

"They looks like they're pronounced 'horses' doovers', but they're not. Also, the toothpicks are trickier than you'd think. Now, get up."

"When I'm engorged with blood or am tumescent with rage I get strawed up and find an affable trull who'll sip and sip and sip. You busy?"

"The girl at Walgreens said to avoid revolving doors, carnival rides, rassling and conventional postures of copulation. Now, get up."

"The Watson boys and their Fridge Magnets are lurking in wait for me. Offer them your body whilst I flee, please."

"Wake up Jean Grey. it's me, Pastamaker."

"Yes, they're clip-ons. I was playing around with your nipple clamps and found that extreme pinching gets me off better than fucking you while you sleep, so I just let you lay there. Of course, that means I'm not paying you for this session."

"Don't you see? You pricked your doctor, so I doctored your prick. Enjoy your sex change."

I went holistic once I found out my mother was Haitian and my father was Cantonese.

"Don't worry, I'm sterile."

"I just pray that somewhere there's a voodoo doll in an extraordinary amount of pain."

"Mom! I ate too many pretzel sticks and it's happening again! And I can't stop eating pretzel sticks!"

"My name is Josef Mengele and I just wanted to re-enact some of my favorite 'Mad About You' episodes with you. Because that's who likes that show, me, Josef Mengele. And to be honest, I don't like it that much."

"Know the difference between a frat house and a porcupine? With a porcupine all the pricks are on the outside! Ha ha ha ha ha! Is my bedside manner reassuring you any?"

"No, no, no. I get the needles. You get the maggots."

"Si Newhouse pays me to ridicule any therapies not sanctioned by the AMA-Big Pharma-Insurance Industry cartel."

"So then I said, 'Wu, from my vantage point, it all sounds pretty weird.' And then he said, 'Well, Seymour, from where I sit, circumcision is pretty weird too.'"

"I'm getting 6 bucks an hour to be a model for 'Living Anatomy' class, but I lost all my labels. Have you seen them?"

"Bring me the embalming fluid and trochar, please. Then shut the door as you leave and that will be all, Miss Thanatogenos. I'm doing this loved one myself."

You always said you wanted to fuck Trent Reznor.

"I'm not only the president of the Acupuncture Club for Men, I'm also a client. By the way, you're a very effeminate man."

..but what I SAID was I wanted to Pork You Supine.

"Don't worry, we'll get that back pain all taken care of. Oh, but I should warn you, my patients do usually get AIDS."

"Mongoloid good thing ... Why do you as ask ?"

"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me. But these goddamn needles hurt like hell."

"We've gotta get rid of that damned cat. Look at all this cat hair."

"I think there's something about this voodoo business that I don't quite get."

"I feel your pain."

"I'm trying to quit."

"OK, now it's my turn."

"I won't prescribe anything for my patients that I won't stick in myself."

"Don't worry about inexperience; I'm older than I look. If you look closely, you can see the lines in my face."

"I've got a pretty bad case of cancer."

"'Hari-curee' ! You not hear ?"

"Mongoloid, good thing. Why do you ask ?"

Mary suddenly realized that $169.95 was far more than the life-sized novelty pincushion man was really worth.

Mary lay alone on the roof of her Lincoln Towncar at the drive-in theater, contemplating the lessons she might be able to take away from her recent breakup with Stan, oblivious to the chill-inducing scenes of the projected film, Heckraiser 3.

"So I told him, I'll be in your stupid-ass cartoon, but can I at least have a few lines this time...Dd, it turns out, is a very lazy and mean spirited man."

They said I'd feel a series of small pricks, but all I feel here is a vagina.

No no, we do INacupuncture!

"The next time I play pick-up sticks with our son, I'm going to let him win."

Jesus Christ, what an asshole

"Honey, I shrunk The Apocalypse Now."

All right then, I won't charge you for the abortion. On second thought, you can pay me in food stamps.

"I love pencils."

"Twenty-nine needles. That is correct. Which means either (1) you made a lucky guess (2) you had knowledge of the total ahead of time, or (3) you are one fine autistically gifted little bitch. Regardless, I'm in a lot of pain."

"Wow, is Craig's list the bomb or what? Imagine finding the right coma patient for my acupuncture needle fetish hook-up with an old fashioned personal ad. What a marvel this modern world is!"

"I feel great, want a try?"

"How the hell did you do that?"

"So I guess the answer is you won't go out with me?"

"I didn't get that part in the Hellraiser remake. They want a female to play the teenage daughter."

"I vowed to stick a needle in my body for every day that went by without results from last week's anti-caption contest."

"I'll bet even the New Yorker is having to comb through sexually-charged caption suggestions."


"Next time, how about if you get the acupuncture and I get the back rub?"

"How was it for you, Amy?"

"I hear you. Stuck qi is a bitch."

"How does my tongue look?"
"You want a piece of this?"

"And as an added bonus, I'm also an M.D. Or used to be, until they noticed how much Demerol was missing."

"Don't worry, I saved a couple for you."

"Do you mind if the needles I use on you are coated with my bodily fluids?"

"Thens eef beafed up americano agencias aroaches yew neerbys, gringa drogie, yew weel couch yewsel een maneria so rezeblent they loely heghog caktusi (Echinocereus triglochidiatus), wats I weel demonstraw yew momently, estupida o.d.'d drogie.!"

"Did you want your breast implants to be small, large or supersized?"

"When I take them out my hemorrhoids literally balloon."

"Go ahead! I don't care how many entries you make. I'm too busy to pick an anti-caption winner."

"Under the new Obama interrogation policy, we torture ourselves until you confess out of empathy."

"I can't believe I was stung by the Hipster Grifter!"

"I know what you're thinking, 'Did he stick himself with thirty needles or only twentynine?' Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I've kind of lost track myself..."

"Let's fuck."

Okay. I'm a prick.

Who's needle _dick_ now?!?

This is why I tell you to shave that bush.

Fuck your porcupine fantasy!

"...and I'm going to keep this up for each day he refuses to judge contest #183. I mean, 'This is a bigger mess than when I let you Daewoo on my Leganzas'? That's fucking gold, honey! Gold!"

"Honey, look, this is my impression of you. I'm Molly and I just can't get enough pricks in me! See what I did there, you self-destructive whore?"

You told me I needed to grow a spine. So now I have, all over my body. And on an altogether different subject, would you like a chopstick?

Okay, I was wrong. Sometimes it does hurt.

What's the fucking point?

"OK, my headache is gone, now; shall we start?"

"What are those, about a 34b?"

"I have become so distressed at Radosh's tardiness in judging his contest that I have decided to commit suicide. Very, very slowly. And you?"

You've got to be shitting me? Radosh has NOT picked an anti-caption winner in almost 3 weeks. Get over here and give me a blow-job, bitch!

"Please count the needles; each represent a day waiting for someone to put an end to my pain, waiting for a winner, although reading it will only provide pain of another sort."

Gesundheit is officially the worst anti-caption ever, considering its a real life finalist of the non anti caption caption contest.

real life winner.

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