Just like Jesus' son

March 25, 2009

Just like Jesus' son

Jason Boyett, author of the excellent Pocket Guide series, analyzes this amazing painting.

Further evidence of the character's badness: there's also an empty pill bottle on the table. So he's not just into street drugs, but prescription ones, too. And he plays cards, which is apparently an evil pastime as well. Also there's a gun. Bad dudes have guns. And if you'll look closely, there is a pair of nunchucks hanging from the doorknob. It's a little-known fact that both Pol Pot and Saddam Hussein had nunchucks hanging from their doorknobs. Furthermore, the paint is peeling off his wall. Bad dudes don't keep their walls painted.

Me, I'm just soliciting captions.

Posted by Daniel Radosh

11:01 AM

Comments

That's it...that's it...Shit--I am going to ride you so good baby!

Posted by: WillM | March 25, 2009 11:28 AM

"O Father, please forgive him for defacing Your holy end table by scratching 'Steven Sawyer' on it, and for not seeking Church approval before defacing Your apartment wall with a stylized map of North America!"

Posted by: Trout Almondine | March 25, 2009 12:17 PM

"Oh man, it feels like I'm kissing my dad!"

Posted by: Jared S. | March 25, 2009 12:19 PM

Pol Pot had a pile of skulls too, didn't he?
But the biggest sin is the scented candle - I hate those perfumy things, plus it's a fire hazard. Jesus loves fire safety.

Posted by: JohnnyB | March 25, 2009 12:33 PM

Where is the bottle of pills? I only see the lighter he used to cook his heroin.

As for captions...

"This one better make me high! I don't know how much of this shit can I take before it kills me."

Posted by: Charles | March 25, 2009 12:48 PM

The agony and the ecstasy and the ecstasy.

Posted by: therblig | March 25, 2009 1:08 PM

"Not getting the surgery has really saved on our heroin costs."

Posted by: andeux | March 25, 2009 1:13 PM

Jesus! Stop bogarting all my heroin! Move your arm! That's my heroin! Bad Jesus!

Posted by: Maxwell Hammer | March 25, 2009 1:35 PM

That is not JUST paint peeling, that's a map of the former United Soviet Socialist Republic

Posted by: Homie | March 25, 2009 2:17 PM

"The heroin here came in glassine."

Posted by: J.D. | March 25, 2009 2:44 PM

"Christ, what an armhole"

Posted by: andeux | March 25, 2009 2:48 PM

This explains why so many Jews o.d.

Posted by: J.D. | March 25, 2009 2:49 PM

The heroin addict is gay. In the next scene, Jesus throws his own ass on a big dick to save his homeboy.

Posted by: J.D. | March 25, 2009 2:53 PM

Another nice touch would have been a Red Sox cap on the guy's head.

Caption:

(Mumbled due to strap in his teeth) "I don't remember you interfering when I agreed to take that job at AIG."

Posted by: al in la | March 25, 2009 3:26 PM

"Nnnrraagggh!!"

Posted by: Rubrick | March 25, 2009 3:47 PM

"whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto....holy shit, this stuff is awesome!"

Posted by: jamie | March 25, 2009 3:50 PM

I used to laugh when they said that my life would change once I found Jesus. Not any more.

Posted by: therblig | March 25, 2009 5:04 PM

"...and THAT, Billy, is why we refer to Him as the Most High Jesus Christ!"

Posted by: Johnny V | March 25, 2009 5:32 PM

... and bad boys never wash their hands before placing it on the door!

Posted by: Johnny V | March 25, 2009 5:35 PM

Next, on Memento Maury Povich ...

Posted by: The Confidence Man | March 25, 2009 6:28 PM

Agnelli, you crazy bastard!

Posted by: The Confidence Man | March 25, 2009 6:31 PM

This is the thanks I get for trying to reciprocate with a reacharound?

Posted by: The Confidence Man | March 25, 2009 6:35 PM

"And thus was the tragic end of those famous conjoined twins Jesus and Paco."

Posted by: Brian L | March 25, 2009 7:24 PM

"Damn, Jesus... You been workin' out?"

Posted by: mypalmike | March 25, 2009 9:56 PM

"DAMMIT! That's seven hits, and I feel NOTHING! WHY...WON'T...THIS...STUFF...WORK!"

Posted by: Trout Almondine | March 25, 2009 10:13 PM

"Heh heh. I'm so glad they extracted me and allowed me to do colorful play-by-play in scenes like this. I'm Charlton Heston's skull, and I'm having a blast!"

Posted by: Vance | March 26, 2009 1:43 AM

The OW!-ers here are unseen.

Posted by: TE | March 26, 2009 3:13 AM

I don't know what they're saying but I do have it on good authority that "God 'will not give happy ending'" (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7964880.stm). And that's from Rowan Williams who talks to god. Well, not god, but the Queen, and she knows god's aunt.

Posted by: TG Gibbon | March 26, 2009 6:28 AM

"Of all the grave sins which feed into my darkest inner demons, the one I truly cannot abide is the fake ID"

Voice from the skull of Sam Kinison: "I like how you've made a cool hand-stencil on your door like in the ancient Lascaux cave, BUT THAT'S A WASTE OF A LOT OF GOOD BLOW, YOU IDIOT!"

Thought to self: "I hate this blood bank, but the freebies they give for a donation are awesome- yes, tomorrow I'll be back."

Posted by: LV | March 26, 2009 7:11 AM

Jesus sure knows how to party.

Posted by: mypalmike | March 26, 2009 11:50 AM

Nice tats, Jesus.

Posted by: Francis | March 26, 2009 3:02 PM

So that's what the rooms at the Chateau Marmont look like. I really miss Belushi.

Posted by: J.D. | March 26, 2009 5:35 PM

"Jesus, that feels good! Also, this heroin is awesome."

Posted by: Francis | March 26, 2009 6:02 PM

"Hey wha - Fuck, watch where you're goin', klutzoid!"

Posted by: Vance | March 26, 2009 9:48 PM

Ok, not a caption, but, how come we always hear about the bad heroin addicts? Huh?

Posted by: J.D. | March 26, 2009 10:59 PM

If one prints out the jpeg and holds it upside down to a mirror, you will find that the butts in the ashtray spell P-R-E-M-A-R-I-T-A-L S-E-X.

Nice try, Satan.

Posted by: Euseless Tilley | March 26, 2009 11:29 PM

And that postcard on the table between the scented candle and the highball--isn't that Obama's face, soliciting funds for gay-backed gun control?

The hell it isn't, pardon my French.

Posted by: Euseless Tilley | March 26, 2009 11:33 PM

Jesus: "Hey, you got your opiate in my religion!"
St. Peter: "You got your religion in my opiate!"
Both: "Idee-ah!"

"Guns, smack, booze, blow, smokes, cards, numbchucks, phrenology, AND scented candles! Wow! this sure beats the pancake supper back at Elmwood Methodist. You Catholics sure know how to usher in the lenten season!"

Posted by: TG Gibbon | March 27, 2009 5:15 AM

I'm not sure it was such a good idea to illustrate the Mitchell Report. I mean the Mark McGwire likeness is dead-on but Jesus Sanchez doesn't look quite right.

Posted by: TG Gibbon | March 27, 2009 5:26 AM

This is what I get for buying smack labeled "Rich Man's Camel".

Posted by: therblig | March 27, 2009 10:00 AM

I'd say, "Good thing there are no black people here to see this." Except everyone knows Jesus was black.

For obvious reasons, "Tonight we dine in hell" is out.

How about "Blessed are the inner city poor, for the best heroine is theirs."

Posted by: Mr. Know It All | March 27, 2009 10:32 AM

Yeah, the water into wine was ok, but great fucking job on that baking soda!

Posted by: therblig | March 27, 2009 12:26 PM

This thing proves that even with homoerotic content, a bad concept poorly executed can never be gay.

Posted by: J.D. | March 27, 2009 3:08 PM

"Man, I have got to lose some weight - I must be the tubbiest heroin addict ever. Oh, hi, Jeez, wh'ssup?"