The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #175
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.
First place
"Him? This is my idiot friend Steve. He used to be... are you wearing a fucking yarmulke?" Hubert
Second place
"Yeah? Well at least he's not a 35 year old man wearing sneakers and a hoodie." Jared
Third place
"You know how the Boy Scout motto is 'Be Prepared'? Well, when you were in Boy Scouts, Steve here was doing acid. And he never stopped." Rubrick
Honorable mention
"Yes, she's crazy, but she's hot. Well, she would be if she took off the clothes. Which she won't, because she's crazy. Christ, I should just dump her. Except she's hot - did I mention that?" npm
"This is my friend Lou. [whispers] He's mentally disabled. Don't make fun of him. [normal voice] Lou got dressed all by himself today!" John Tabin
"This is my friend Carl. [continuing in a normal voice] He's retarded. And deaf." mypalmike
Comments
"Him? This is my idiot friend Steve. He used to be... are you wearing a fucking yarmulke?"
Posted by: Hubert | December 30, 2008 12:24 PM
"The Summer Olympics is over already fuck stick!"
Posted by: xjvpastor | December 30, 2008 12:42 PM
You raise the left pant leg if you're pushin smack or the right pant leg if you're lookin to score smack. The machete is for street cred' and the goggles & one-legged chaps are for a man-on-man midnight rave on the top of PS 151 tonite. I'd ask you come, Bernstein, but that ringworm on the top of your scalp is makin my dick sad, homie.
Posted by: Dirk McGirk | December 30, 2008 12:45 PM
You have to get through him if you want to be with me. Don't worry, his bark is bigger than his bite. And by bark I mean girth.
Posted by: Dirk McGirk | December 30, 2008 12:48 PM
"He has to model my Hanukkah presents all day as punishment for misspelling H A N U K K A H. Is that Jewey of me or what?"
Posted by: Kosmicki | December 30, 2008 12:49 PM
"He's sick of all that gear, so can you show him how to play pocket pool?"
"Apparently he misunderstood, 'cause the rules of the duel are still to walk 20 paces and fire handguns."
Posted by: LR | December 30, 2008 1:01 PM
"And I'm a PC. And this is a tortured metaphor for the bells and whistles that we have put on our new functionally cumbersome software program, which, as you can see, has difficulty doing something simple, like walking! Because it is literally weighed down by all of its frivolous accessories."
Posted by: Dave | December 30, 2008 2:21 PM
"Christ, what an asshole."
"I made him out of dead body parts, sporting equipment, and outdoor gear. Clever, yes?"
Posted by: Deborah | December 30, 2008 2:34 PM
"Viral video, here we come!"
Posted by: Francis | December 30, 2008 2:34 PM
"He's prepared for anything except the inevitable mockery."
Posted by: Francis | December 30, 2008 2:35 PM
"He's entering the Special Olympics for kids afflicted with short attention spans."
Posted by: Steve_O | December 30, 2008 2:43 PM
"This is my friend Carl. [whispering] He's retarded."
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | December 30, 2008 2:52 PM
"Sometimes I wonder if it's worth all this trouble just to continue spending weekends at Bernie's."
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | December 30, 2008 2:54 PM
"Let's ask this Dallas Cowboys fan if he knows anything about whoever might be sending us those horrific photos of mutilated dolphins."
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | December 30, 2008 3:07 PM
Yeah? Well at least he's not a 35 year old man wearing sneakers and a hoodie.
Posted by: Jared | December 30, 2008 3:11 PM
Sorry, but you should've thought of that before agreeing to play strip poker.
Posted by: Vlad | December 30, 2008 3:14 PM
"This, my dear friend, represents the future of the Republican Party."
Posted by: Tim H | December 30, 2008 3:41 PM
"There used to be this commercial on TV, with the Manufacturer's Hanover Anycar made from car parts from all different cars. So guess what! We're gonna make our first YouTube!"
Posted by: Myron | December 30, 2008 4:14 PM
"Check out our bumper-sticker : A 'RANGE' YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IN !"
Posted by: Sam L. | December 30, 2008 4:21 PM
"Philip K. Dick's 'scramble-suit', I presume."
Posted by: R.C. | December 30, 2008 4:28 PM
We met on eHarmony. They won't accept gays, but they will accept the homeless.
Posted by: LK | December 30, 2008 4:31 PM
Yes, she's crazy, but she's hot. Well, she would be if she took off the clothes. Which she won't, because she's crazy. Christ, I should just dump her. Except she's hot - did I mention that?
Posted by: npm | December 30, 2008 4:32 PM
See? A "man who has everything" would be unable to function. It's a stupid phrase.
My thsis is complete. I have proved you can't be everything to everybody.
Posted by: JohnnyB | December 30, 2008 4:33 PM
{If this douche doesn't shut up soon I think I will cut his arm off with my sabre}
Posted by: intepid | December 30, 2008 4:34 PM
"Josh, meet Clem."
Posted by: jim M | December 30, 2008 4:48 PM
"Hey, Baby, can you keep an eye on Sporty, while I go find Posh?"
Posted by: Richard H | December 30, 2008 4:48 PM
We're into role playing to spice up our sex life. He's playing every role Johnny Depp has ever done. I am soooo hard right now.
Posted by: JohnnyB | December 30, 2008 4:50 PM
" A share here is ne'prene."
Posted by: Sam L. | December 30, 2008 4:57 PM
This is the guy who mutilated my right ear.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | December 30, 2008 5:04 PM
Frank, I'd like you to meet my son Jackofalltrades.
Posted by: Drew | December 30, 2008 5:14 PM
Randy, look how much gear Dougie brought for the camping trip.
Posted by: Drew | December 30, 2008 5:20 PM
He doesn't want his wife to recognize him.
Posted by: Drew | December 30, 2008 5:21 PM
Meet the man who raped my daughter.
Posted by: Drew | December 30, 2008 5:29 PM
"Whys you not comprending, stupido ?! Point 's making mas, how you say, 'poco entusiastas' aquainance down Mexico ways....promotioning hemisphere friendlies........Comprende ?"
Posted by: Anonymous | December 30, 2008 5:32 PM
Sorry, but Cate Blanchett already made the February 2009 cover of Vanity Fair. Still, there's March.
Posted by: R.C. | December 30, 2008 5:32 PM
"You might think all that shit is to compensate for having no dick. Wrong. Nigga hung huge, just he insecure."
Posted by: J.D. | December 30, 2008 5:55 PM
"Yeah my boyfriend is 'versatile' but I'm a total bottom, ok?"
Posted by: J.D. | December 30, 2008 5:57 PM
"I'd like you to meet Dr. Strang, Madonna's gynecologist."
Posted by: J.D. | December 30, 2008 6:00 PM
" 'The Decamathon' ? Every four Aprils ?!...For nerds- or geeks ?! Duh !"
Posted by: Sam L. | December 30, 2008 6:05 PM
"Hey, wanna go to the library with us?"
Posted by: mypalmike | December 30, 2008 6:13 PM
"Yes, he's quite new to the sport of decathlon. Why do you ask?"
Posted by: mypalmike | December 30, 2008 6:25 PM
"Birdwatching : 'the manly arts' ?! Who knew ?!"
Posted by: Sam L. | December 30, 2008 6:32 PM
"Chahlee heea fell inta the Chahlz Riv-vah, and like all dis stuff was fuckin stuck to im."
Posted by: mypalmike | December 30, 2008 6:34 PM
"...an exotic vacation."
Posted by: R.C. | December 30, 2008 6:50 PM
"Him ? 'Special MORSELS' !"
Posted by: Sam L. | December 30, 2008 7:05 PM
"Thus far, The Twelve Days of Christmas."
Posted by: NO. it all ! | December 30, 2008 7:20 PM
"I brought along a couple guys who were in a horrific hiking/sporting accident/collision. Do you mind?"
Posted by: Vance | December 30, 2008 7:44 PM
“And he’s cheaper than Roto-Rooter.”
Posted by: Dan | December 30, 2008 8:30 PM
"I met Troy online. He told me I'd be impressed by his equipment."
Posted by: Richard H | December 30, 2008 8:33 PM
"He's also good at pole vaulting, if you know what I mean."
Posted by: Richard H | December 30, 2008 8:34 PM
"School loans are impossible this year, so he needs every special interest scholarship he can get."
Posted by: Kosmicki | December 30, 2008 8:45 PM
"He's a method actor preparing for Jacques Cousteau and the 3 Musketeers Take Pictures of Naked Boys at Spring Training Camp. Wanna show him your crack?"
Posted by: Kosmicki | December 30, 2008 8:54 PM
"Klaatu barada nikto."
Posted by: R.C. | December 30, 2008 9:15 PM
"He likes snorkeling, camping, photography and sword fishing for young males."
Posted by: Dan | December 30, 2008 9:36 PM
"Well at least he can see and his eyes have not been ripped from their sockets."
Posted by: Dave | December 30, 2008 10:44 PM
"This is my husband Hank. He's trying to fight all gay stereotypes."
Posted by: Dave | December 30, 2008 10:48 PM
"......Sea Hunt 2009..."
Posted by: Greg | December 30, 2008 10:49 PM
Thank goodness there are no black people here to see this. The snorkel would only remind them of the sad fact that they're terrible swimmers.
Posted by: Optimus Sub-Prime | December 30, 2008 10:54 PM
This is my friend Lou. [whispers] He's mentally disabled. Don't make fun of him. [normal voice] Lou got dressed all by himself today!"
Posted by: John Tabin | December 30, 2008 11:27 PM
"I mean how much did you hate working with that Bronson Pinchot asshole?"
Posted by: J.D. | December 30, 2008 11:53 PM
That's all right. You've actually done better than anyone thought you would, Trig.
Posted by: Mork | December 31, 2008 1:42 AM
"Ever since he read that Ultimate Survival Guide he's been all about the ultimate survivaling."
Posted by: Vance | December 31, 2008 1:43 AM
"Get this - chucklehead says he needs to be 'prepared for any eventuality, even an earthqua..' ....hey. HEY. Are you feeling that? OH MY GOD"
Posted by: Vance | December 31, 2008 1:45 AM
"I choose the sword. Now you choose your weapon."
Posted by: Joshua | December 31, 2008 2:54 AM
"He's looking for John Connor."
Posted by: Dan | December 31, 2008 7:19 AM
"As you know, Reuben, today's Mafia has moved beyond outdated stereotypes and has branched out into many fields of endeavor. Accordingly, I have here a few contractual forms for your signature so that Captain Todd can begin to process your furlough."
Posted by: RichM | December 31, 2008 7:34 AM
"He's a Salvation Army of one."
Posted by: mypalmike | December 31, 2008 10:11 AM
"This is my friend Carl. [continuing in a normal voice] He's retarded. And deaf."
Posted by: mypalmike | December 31, 2008 10:34 AM
Would you mind taking our picture?
Posted by: Charles | December 31, 2008 11:45 AM
He's my new concept for the Adidas account. Screw you, Nike!
Posted by: mdoyle | December 31, 2008 12:22 PM
"The invite said Festive Attire, whatever the hell that means."
Posted by: Tim H | December 31, 2008 12:37 PM
"Meet your recession-friendly colonoscopist, Dr. Jim. Don't try to accuse him of being unprepared."
Posted by: MShaw | December 31, 2008 1:02 PM
"No, he is a Negro ! But with a little body-paint and a hairpiece, he looks like one of us...sort of."
Posted by: Anonymous | December 31, 2008 1:53 PM
"What do you think, 'geek' or 'tool'?"
Posted by: MAtt | December 31, 2008 2:05 PM
"He's a priest. All the accouterments keep his mind of the young boys."
"He's a priest. All the accouterments are to attract young boys."
Posted by: MAtt | December 31, 2008 2:08 PM
"And the 'Coyote special', top-of-the-line, very nice --only $2, 750. .....Tortillas included !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | December 31, 2008 2:20 PM
"Welcome to Bennington College ! Him ? A soupcon of the 'campus look'...to ease your transition. Shall we go up ?"
Posted by: Anonymous | December 31, 2008 2:49 PM
"I figured we couldn't really be ghetto until we created a golem to defend us. Prague-style, bitches!"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | December 31, 2008 2:52 PM
"We'll drop him out along 'Park' to try the thoroughness of Bloomberg's latest P.T.S.D. sweep. Let's roll !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | December 31, 2008 3:06 PM
"Your first roommate here at Bennington. He's Guinean, by way of 'a New Yorker'."
Posted by: Anonymous | December 31, 2008 3:32 PM
"Two weeks he enters 'Survival: Yucatan'...You want a stake ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | December 31, 2008 3:59 PM
"The saber ? To roast s'mores over an open flame, what else ?!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | December 31, 2008 4:18 PM
"Steve is going to join us. He has a few sponsorships from Jackass 11."
Posted by: MShaw | December 31, 2008 4:47 PM
"Are you sure this is the guy who stole your sleeping bag, camera, goggles and cavalry sword?"
Posted by: Anonymous | December 31, 2008 5:01 PM
"The weirdest part of all this? He's also wearing women's panties."
Posted by: Steve_O | December 31, 2008 5:49 PM
"You should dress more like this."
"Yeah, he's a little strange, but he's the only other gay man in Oneonta. This is as good as it gets."
"You know how the Boy Scout motto is 'Be Prepared'? Well, when you were in Boy Scouts, Steve here was doing acid. And he never stopped."
Posted by: Rubrick | December 31, 2008 6:20 PM
"The hardest part is finding a training bra that fits."
Posted by: Mork | December 31, 2008 7:15 PM
"Hey-hey. Little Timmy's a big boy now!"
Posted by: Dan | December 31, 2008 8:59 PM
"We are on our way to a post-modern historical re-enactment event. Or so my insane friend tells me."
Posted by: mort drucker | December 31, 2008 10:56 PM
"Hey, guys, what's up? You probably heard. My parents' eBay consignment store was broken into and ransacked the other night. Police don't have a clue."
Posted by: David John | January 1, 2009 2:05 AM
"He will try ANYTHING on once!"
"Sorry, Irving, you are being cut from the team and Steve, here, is taking your place. Gee's look at him... He's ready for anything! And, I know Chess isn't REALLY a sport anyway!
Posted by: Johnny V | January 1, 2009 7:56 AM
"Dude, you can't come to the costume party dressed as 'Jackass Season 2'! Timmy has that costume already!
Posted by: Johnny V | January 1, 2009 8:02 AM
"You should see his hobby horse."
Posted by: David | January 1, 2009 9:59 AM
"Pick your poison--either die laughing or by his sword."
Posted by: Dan | January 1, 2009 10:23 AM
"Yeah, I know. One day you're saying to yourself, "Man, Drew Dernavich doesn't really have any ideas anymore, does he?" And then you think you're being too hard on the guy. And then the next day he comes out with some shit like this. It's sad, man, it's sad."
Posted by: JD the Two-Lettered | January 1, 2009 10:50 AM
"So in my pitch, rather than the cliché fly, Seth Brundle gets into the machine with Mickey Mantle, Tyrone Power, Pele, Ansel Adams, Jacques Cousteau, and some douche who's really into backpacking."
Posted by: David | January 1, 2009 12:06 PM
"Don't you think you're a little old for a hoodie?"
Posted by: David | January 1, 2009 12:09 PM
"I asked him about the outfit, and he said he's tired of looking like the sort of guy who `verbs' words. Whatever, dude. Let's bong."
Posted by: Damon | January 1, 2009 12:24 PM
"No, he, H-E, is RIGHT handed ! You tripping, dude ?"
Posted by: Von Go | January 1, 2009 1:30 PM
1. Yeah, he's training for the Centathalon that will hopefully be an Olympic event by 2016.
2. This is my friend Waldo. Don't try to find him or he'll cut you.
Posted by: dstein | January 1, 2009 1:54 PM
"What are you staring at, dickwad?"
Posted by: Mork | January 1, 2009 2:31 PM
“And losers like you wear their hearts on their sleeve.”
Posted by: malkmus | January 1, 2009 2:41 PM
"....He got the sporting goods bailout package, in lieu of tuition credits..."
Posted by: Greg | January 1, 2009 7:40 PM
....now, why would either he, or I, be interested in buying a used futon?..
Posted by: Greg | January 1, 2009 7:42 PM
He's preparing for 2012.
Posted by: Dizzy | January 1, 2009 7:55 PM
"Maybe there is something in accesorizing."
Posted by: Brian L | January 1, 2009 8:06 PM
".....so now, thanks to the P.T.S.D., no one even notices Murph's totally fucked prosthetic left hand....courtesy of some dumbass, what, 'dD Corporation' ?! Frigin' war profiteers ! ...Shame about these Mid East vets, hunh ?"
Posted by: Von Go | January 1, 2009 8:06 PM
"He's a pantload, he's my brother."
Posted by: Deb | January 1, 2009 9:24 PM
"Hoodies been out ever since Belichick cheated, asshole !"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 1, 2009 9:32 PM
"You go to the historical re-enactment battle with the army you have, not with the army you would like."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 1, 2009 9:48 PM
"And yet, the state of California denies our love."
Posted by: Joshua | January 1, 2009 9:50 PM
"There are known contingencies and there are unknown contingencies and there are unknown unknown contingencies. The point is, we are ready for them all. Next question."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 1, 2009 9:57 PM
"Would you mind taking a picture of me greeting my friend as a liberator?"
(this concludes the Donald Rumsfeld Memorial Caption Series)
Posted by: mort drucker | January 1, 2009 10:04 PM
"A word of advice Arnie. Don't look at the snorkel. He's very sensitive about the snorkel. Oh shit, too late...the sword hand is coming up. Why God, why? Why must they always look at the snorkel?"
Posted by: mort drucker | January 1, 2009 10:20 PM
"He may seem a little eccentric but when the day is over he likes to kick back and down a bottle of absinthe like everyone else."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 1, 2009 10:29 PM
"....while others see things that never were and ask, 'Why not ?'. My prototypical 'Pieced-Out Corps' volunteer, dude."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 1, 2009 11:22 PM
"Can I keep it?"
"Wanna go snorkeling with us?"
Posted by: Harry | January 1, 2009 11:43 PM
"He's going to go 'scrolling through 200 entries' in a 'more timely fashion.'
Posted by: al in la | January 2, 2009 1:32 AM
"I wanted you to meet our colon specialist before we miniaturized him. Unlike a hospital setting, in back-alley jobs for $129 bucks we can only shrink him to half-size."
Posted by: LV | January 2, 2009 8:29 AM
"No, I said 'right aberrant', R-I-G-H-T A-B-E-R-R-A-N-T', not 'knight errant' ! Though 'abhorrent' might not be out of place."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 2, 2009 10:49 AM
"O.K., my 'FrankinCENSE' !"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 2, 2009 12:34 PM
"This is Dan. He made a lot of New Year's resolutions. But he still hasn't updated his non-blog pages."
Posted by: Richard H | January 2, 2009 1:16 PM
"This is the new Dan. 2009 version. When he's done judging his caption contest on Friday afternoons, he tries to cram a lot into the weekend."
Posted by: Richard H | January 2, 2009 1:18 PM
"... and underneath he's wearing a cup, a jockstrap, a dance belt, a speedo, and a snap-on.
Posted by: J.D. | January 2, 2009 2:04 PM
"Jim just got out of rehab so try not to share your crack with him."
Posted by: MShaw | January 2, 2009 3:23 PM
I traded in my iPhone, but still wanted something as useful. The real advantage here is that the naughty pictures I send my students don't look like those cliche myspace photos anymore.
Posted by: Brian L | January 2, 2009 5:15 PM
"...And he's wearing a machine gun shell casing as a condom, but I'm sure your hoodie took a lot of thought too, you fucktard."
Posted by: Cpt. Clown | January 3, 2009 3:16 AM
"Christmas can be a goldmine when your parents are fucking around on each other."
Posted by: al in la | January 3, 2009 4:49 AM
"The parents don't want him to get a tattoo, so this is a sorta compromise."
Posted by: Von Go | January 3, 2009 10:10 AM
"The Devil can cite Rapture for his own purpose."
Posted by: Harlequin | January 3, 2009 1:35 PM
"General Studies ! ...I don't know how I could say it any clearer, 'goof-off' !"
Posted by: Von Go | January 3, 2009 1:44 PM
"Yeah, and it all started with Radosh and that frigging 'worst possible' movement of his."
Posted by: Von Go | January 4, 2009 12:24 PM
"Inevitable, dude. 'Picking off the top' works no better at a 'bargains table' than it does in a caption-writing contest."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 4, 2009 12:32 PM
"Turns out more WAS less."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 4, 2009 12:33 PM
"Meet the hippest mohel in Boise!"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | January 5, 2009 12:36 AM
Fifteen merit badges from making Eagle scout, eight days left to do it - all 'cuz he never learned to jack off...
Posted by: rl cleary | January 5, 2009 4:23 AM