December 30, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #175

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.


First place
"Him? This is my idiot friend Steve. He used to be... are you wearing a fucking yarmulke?" — Hubert

Second place
"Yeah? Well at least he's not a 35 year old man wearing sneakers and a hoodie." — Jared

Third place
"You know how the Boy Scout motto is 'Be Prepared'? Well, when you were in Boy Scouts, Steve here was doing acid. And he never stopped." —Rubrick

Honorable mention
"Yes, she's crazy, but she's hot. Well, she would be if she took off the clothes. Which she won't, because she's crazy. Christ, I should just dump her. Except she's hot - did I mention that?" —npm

"This is my friend Lou. [whispers] He's mentally disabled. Don't make fun of him. [normal voice] Lou got dressed all by himself today!" — John Tabin

"This is my friend Carl. [continuing in a normal voice] He's retarded. And deaf." —mypalmike

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Him? This is my idiot friend Steve. He used to be... are you wearing a fucking yarmulke?"

"The Summer Olympics is over already fuck stick!"

You raise the left pant leg if you're pushin smack or the right pant leg if you're lookin to score smack. The machete is for street cred' and the goggles & one-legged chaps are for a man-on-man midnight rave on the top of PS 151 tonite. I'd ask you come, Bernstein, but that ringworm on the top of your scalp is makin my dick sad, homie.

You have to get through him if you want to be with me. Don't worry, his bark is bigger than his bite. And by bark I mean girth.

"He has to model my Hanukkah presents all day as punishment for misspelling H A N U K K A H. Is that Jewey of me or what?"

"He's sick of all that gear, so can you show him how to play pocket pool?"

"Apparently he misunderstood, 'cause the rules of the duel are still to walk 20 paces and fire handguns."

"And I'm a PC. And this is a tortured metaphor for the bells and whistles that we have put on our new functionally cumbersome software program, which, as you can see, has difficulty doing something simple, like walking! Because it is literally weighed down by all of its frivolous accessories."

"Christ, what an asshole."

"I made him out of dead body parts, sporting equipment, and outdoor gear. Clever, yes?"

"Viral video, here we come!"

"He's prepared for anything except the inevitable mockery."

"He's entering the Special Olympics for kids afflicted with short attention spans."

"This is my friend Carl. [whispering] He's retarded."

"Sometimes I wonder if it's worth all this trouble just to continue spending weekends at Bernie's."

"Let's ask this Dallas Cowboys fan if he knows anything about whoever might be sending us those horrific photos of mutilated dolphins."

Yeah? Well at least he's not a 35 year old man wearing sneakers and a hoodie.

Sorry, but you should've thought of that before agreeing to play strip poker.

"This, my dear friend, represents the future of the Republican Party."

"There used to be this commercial on TV, with the Manufacturer's Hanover Anycar made from car parts from all different cars. So guess what! We're gonna make our first YouTube!"

"Check out our bumper-sticker : A 'RANGE' YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IN !"

"Philip K. Dick's 'scramble-suit', I presume."

We met on eHarmony. They won't accept gays, but they will accept the homeless.

Yes, she's crazy, but she's hot. Well, she would be if she took off the clothes. Which she won't, because she's crazy. Christ, I should just dump her. Except she's hot - did I mention that?

See? A "man who has everything" would be unable to function. It's a stupid phrase.

My thsis is complete. I have proved you can't be everything to everybody.

{If this douche doesn't shut up soon I think I will cut his arm off with my sabre}

"Josh, meet Clem."

"Hey, Baby, can you keep an eye on Sporty, while I go find Posh?"

We're into role playing to spice up our sex life. He's playing every role Johnny Depp has ever done. I am soooo hard right now.

" A share here is ne'prene."

This is the guy who mutilated my right ear.

Frank, I'd like you to meet my son Jackofalltrades.

Randy, look how much gear Dougie brought for the camping trip.

He doesn't want his wife to recognize him.

Meet the man who raped my daughter.

"Whys you not comprending, stupido ?! Point 's making mas, how you say, 'poco entusiastas' aquainance down Mexico ways....promotioning hemisphere friendlies........Comprende ?"

Sorry, but Cate Blanchett already made the February 2009 cover of Vanity Fair. Still, there's March.

"You might think all that shit is to compensate for having no dick. Wrong. Nigga hung huge, just he insecure."

"Yeah my boyfriend is 'versatile' but I'm a total bottom, ok?"

"I'd like you to meet Dr. Strang, Madonna's gynecologist."

" 'The Decamathon' ? Every four Aprils ?!...For nerds- or geeks ?! Duh !"

"Hey, wanna go to the library with us?"

"Yes, he's quite new to the sport of decathlon. Why do you ask?"

"Birdwatching : 'the manly arts' ?! Who knew ?!"

"Chahlee heea fell inta the Chahlz Riv-vah, and like all dis stuff was fuckin stuck to im."

"...an exotic vacation."

"Him ? 'Special MORSELS' !"

"Thus far, The Twelve Days of Christmas."

"I brought along a couple guys who were in a horrific hiking/sporting accident/collision. Do you mind?"

“And he’s cheaper than Roto-Rooter.”

"I met Troy online. He told me I'd be impressed by his equipment."

"He's also good at pole vaulting, if you know what I mean."

"School loans are impossible this year, so he needs every special interest scholarship he can get."

"He's a method actor preparing for Jacques Cousteau and the 3 Musketeers Take Pictures of Naked Boys at Spring Training Camp. Wanna show him your crack?"

"Klaatu barada nikto."

"He likes snorkeling, camping, photography and sword fishing for young males."

"Well at least he can see and his eyes have not been ripped from their sockets."

"This is my husband Hank. He's trying to fight all gay stereotypes."

"......Sea Hunt 2009..."

Thank goodness there are no black people here to see this. The snorkel would only remind them of the sad fact that they're terrible swimmers.

This is my friend Lou. [whispers] He's mentally disabled. Don't make fun of him. [normal voice] Lou got dressed all by himself today!"

"I mean how much did you hate working with that Bronson Pinchot asshole?"

That's all right. You've actually done better than anyone thought you would, Trig.

"Ever since he read that Ultimate Survival Guide he's been all about the ultimate survivaling."

"Get this - chucklehead says he needs to be 'prepared for any eventuality, even an earthqua..' ....hey. HEY. Are you feeling that? OH MY GOD"

"I choose the sword. Now you choose your weapon."

"He's looking for John Connor."

"As you know, Reuben, today's Mafia has moved beyond outdated stereotypes and has branched out into many fields of endeavor. Accordingly, I have here a few contractual forms for your signature so that Captain Todd can begin to process your furlough."

"He's a Salvation Army of one."

"This is my friend Carl. [continuing in a normal voice] He's retarded. And deaf."

Would you mind taking our picture?

He's my new concept for the Adidas account. Screw you, Nike!

"The invite said Festive Attire, whatever the hell that means."

"Meet your recession-friendly colonoscopist, Dr. Jim. Don't try to accuse him of being unprepared."

"No, he is a Negro ! But with a little body-paint and a hairpiece, he looks like one of us...sort of."

"What do you think, 'geek' or 'tool'?"

"He's a priest. All the accouterments keep his mind of the young boys."

"He's a priest. All the accouterments are to attract young boys."

"And the 'Coyote special', top-of-the-line, very nice --only $2, 750. .....Tortillas included !"

"Welcome to Bennington College ! Him ? A soupcon of the 'campus look'...to ease your transition. Shall we go up ?"

"I figured we couldn't really be ghetto until we created a golem to defend us. Prague-style, bitches!"

"We'll drop him out along 'Park' to try the thoroughness of Bloomberg's latest P.T.S.D. sweep. Let's roll !"

"Your first roommate here at Bennington. He's Guinean, by way of 'a New Yorker'."

"Two weeks he enters 'Survival: Yucatan'...You want a stake ?"

"The saber ? To roast s'mores over an open flame, what else ?!"

"Steve is going to join us. He has a few sponsorships from Jackass 11."

"Are you sure this is the guy who stole your sleeping bag, camera, goggles and cavalry sword?"

"The weirdest part of all this? He's also wearing women's panties."

"You should dress more like this."

"Yeah, he's a little strange, but he's the only other gay man in Oneonta. This is as good as it gets."

"You know how the Boy Scout motto is 'Be Prepared'? Well, when you were in Boy Scouts, Steve here was doing acid. And he never stopped."

"The hardest part is finding a training bra that fits."

"Hey-hey. Little Timmy's a big boy now!"

"We are on our way to a post-modern historical re-enactment event. Or so my insane friend tells me."

"Hey, guys, what's up? You probably heard. My parents' eBay consignment store was broken into and ransacked the other night. Police don't have a clue."

"He will try ANYTHING on once!"

"Sorry, Irving, you are being cut from the team and Steve, here, is taking your place. Gee's look at him... He's ready for anything! And, I know Chess isn't REALLY a sport anyway!

"Dude, you can't come to the costume party dressed as 'Jackass Season 2'! Timmy has that costume already!

"You should see his hobby horse."

"Pick your poison--either die laughing or by his sword."

"Yeah, I know. One day you're saying to yourself, "Man, Drew Dernavich doesn't really have any ideas anymore, does he?" And then you think you're being too hard on the guy. And then the next day he comes out with some shit like this. It's sad, man, it's sad."

"So in my pitch, rather than the cliché fly, Seth Brundle gets into the machine with Mickey Mantle, Tyrone Power, Pele, Ansel Adams, Jacques Cousteau, and some douche who's really into backpacking."

"Don't you think you're a little old for a hoodie?"

"I asked him about the outfit, and he said he's tired of looking like the sort of guy who `verbs' words. Whatever, dude. Let's bong."

"No, he, H-E, is RIGHT handed ! You tripping, dude ?"

1. Yeah, he's training for the Centathalon that will hopefully be an Olympic event by 2016.

2. This is my friend Waldo. Don't try to find him or he'll cut you.

"What are you staring at, dickwad?"

“And losers like you wear their hearts on their sleeve.”

"....He got the sporting goods bailout package, in lieu of tuition credits..."

....now, why would either he, or I, be interested in buying a used futon?..

He's preparing for 2012.

"Maybe there is something in accesorizing."

".....so now, thanks to the P.T.S.D., no one even notices Murph's totally fucked prosthetic left hand....courtesy of some dumbass, what, 'dD Corporation' ?! Frigin' war profiteers ! ...Shame about these Mid East vets, hunh ?"

"He's a pantload, he's my brother."

"Hoodies been out ever since Belichick cheated, asshole !"

"You go to the historical re-enactment battle with the army you have, not with the army you would like."

"And yet, the state of California denies our love."

"There are known contingencies and there are unknown contingencies and there are unknown unknown contingencies. The point is, we are ready for them all. Next question."

"Would you mind taking a picture of me greeting my friend as a liberator?"

(this concludes the Donald Rumsfeld Memorial Caption Series)

"A word of advice Arnie. Don't look at the snorkel. He's very sensitive about the snorkel. Oh shit, too late...the sword hand is coming up. Why God, why? Why must they always look at the snorkel?"

"He may seem a little eccentric but when the day is over he likes to kick back and down a bottle of absinthe like everyone else."

"....while others see things that never were and ask, 'Why not ?'. My prototypical 'Pieced-Out Corps' volunteer, dude."

"Can I keep it?"

"Wanna go snorkeling with us?"

"He's going to go 'scrolling through 200 entries' in a 'more timely fashion.'

"I wanted you to meet our colon specialist before we miniaturized him. Unlike a hospital setting, in back-alley jobs for $129 bucks we can only shrink him to half-size."

"No, I said 'right aberrant', R-I-G-H-T A-B-E-R-R-A-N-T', not 'knight errant' ! Though 'abhorrent' might not be out of place."

"O.K., my 'FrankinCENSE' !"

"This is Dan. He made a lot of New Year's resolutions. But he still hasn't updated his non-blog pages."

"This is the new Dan. 2009 version. When he's done judging his caption contest on Friday afternoons, he tries to cram a lot into the weekend."

"... and underneath he's wearing a cup, a jockstrap, a dance belt, a speedo, and a snap-on.

"Jim just got out of rehab so try not to share your crack with him."

I traded in my iPhone, but still wanted something as useful. The real advantage here is that the naughty pictures I send my students don't look like those cliche myspace photos anymore.

"...And he's wearing a machine gun shell casing as a condom, but I'm sure your hoodie took a lot of thought too, you fucktard."

"Christmas can be a goldmine when your parents are fucking around on each other."

"The parents don't want him to get a tattoo, so this is a sorta compromise."

"The Devil can cite Rapture for his own purpose."

"General Studies ! ...I don't know how I could say it any clearer, 'goof-off' !"

"Yeah, and it all started with Radosh and that frigging 'worst possible' movement of his."

"Inevitable, dude. 'Picking off the top' works no better at a 'bargains table' than it does in a caption-writing contest."

"Turns out more WAS less."

"Meet the hippest mohel in Boise!"

Fifteen merit badges from making Eagle scout, eight days left to do it - all 'cuz he never learned to jack off...

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