November 17, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #247

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.

This week's prize: A signed copy of Shut Up, I'm Talking: And Other Diplomacy Lessons I learned in the Israeli Government


First place
"Yeah, that's the thing with Rate My Professor, you never really know who's trashin' ya. TurkeylovingRacist1956 could be anybody." —David John

Second place
"How come I'm in trouble for bringing a turkey to work and nobody gives a shit that you're in blackface?" —Charles

Third place
"Sure, a cup. I should have thought of that independently. Probably less chance of food poisoning and my coffee wont't taste of raw turkey so much. I'm more of a big-picture guy." —Abe

Honorable mention
"Think outside the box, huh? I'll show him thinking outside the fucking box. I'm living outside the god damn box now!" —Slack-a-gogo |

"The turkeys you get out of the office turkey machine just aren't as good as the ones from Turkeybucks." —Francis

"I guess I'd never really thought about it before, but now that you point it out, yes, I suppose that 'Take Your Defrosted, Uncooked Large Game Bird to Work Day' could just a cynical creation of the poultry-farming industry." —Tim C.

"I'm on my way to get a breast implant. Wish me luck, dawg!" —David F

"I wish I had a knife, a fork, and an Asian co-worker." —Urgh

"They're giving 'em away for free down at the county food bank. I thought your people knew all about that." — Joshua

"I fully admit my large turkey tie clasp is, by definition, a clip-on." —LV

"My wife said I never surprise her with gifts anymore, so I'm giving her salmonella." —Ellie

"You know what they say:
Tiny hands, tiny cup of coffee.
Slightly larger hands, dead chicken.
Either way, slope-shouldered, dick-less and holding a piece of paper.
Am I right?" —djack

"It's a good thing there are no bla - ...oh, shit." —Vance

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Hey Eugene! I'm about to say something racist."

(Addressing the fourth wall) "What? It's for our company Thanksgiving luncheon. Go caption something else."

I can't talk about it now I said...no, I'm just not ready yet...don't push me Johnson, I'm warning you...

"Our babysitter called in sick today."

OK, if you must know - he said *sob*...the turkey...turkey stuffing...he took the turkey and *aahh* I can't! I can't go on...

Anyway...the upshot is, if we want our bonus this year...well, you know...

"Those parrots were really bugging me. Now you're bugging me, too. I'm just saying."

How come I'm in trouble for bringing a turkey to work and nobody gives a shit that you're in blackface?

Citizens! Don't end up alone and mascara-ed like Johnson next to me. Make next week's "Take Your Turkey To Work Day" sparkle!

"It doesn't seem fair that we get stuck with stuffing the company turkey every single year, just because we happen to have tiny, tiny mutant hands."

"I guess I'd never really thought about it before, but now that you point it out, yes, I suppose that 'Take Your Defrosted, Uncooked Large Game Bird to Work Day' could just a cynical creation of the poultry-farming industry."

"My wife says, if I can carry it around for a week without dropping it, then maybe we can have a baby."

"Why did the chicken cross the road, have its head crushed by a passing car, wind up as my lunch? P.C. Vey's incompetent use of perspective, that's why."

"Now that we're about to go into this meeting with the boss, I'm wishing I had refrained from wearing my hilarious 'Uncooked Turkey' tie."

"Yeah, right. Like I would know anything about the Georgia Guidestones."

"You ever get the feeling someone is out there, somewhere, watching us? It's creepy."

"Boy, that was fast! Welcome to New Yorker cartoons, black people!"

"Sure, a cup. I should have thought of that independently. Probably less chance of food poisoning and my coffee wont't taste of raw turkey so much. I'm more of a big-picture guy."

"I'm on my way to get a breast implant. Wish me luck, dawg!"

"Check it out - this black mime will follow me everywhere as long as I'm holding this thing."

"The turkeys you get out of the office turkey machine just aren't as good as the ones from Turkeybucks."

“That’s right, Dexter. FDR couldn’t dunk.”

"No, you're the jive turkey...no, you're the jive turkey...no, you're the..." (becomes inaudible)

D'oh. Pretend I closed that last html tag.

My community theater group is doing a production of "Eraserhead", although I question the whole holiday musical direction we're taking with it. Still, it's for the kids.

I'm so tired of the boss's lame "here comes white meat and dark meat" joke every time we go to a meeting that I'm going to tell him to take the whole fucking bird and shove it up his ass. Sorry if I take you down with me, but it has to be done.

"For the last time, Jackson, I'm gonna BOIL it !"

-- 'No matter whether the country follows the flag,[The New Yorker] follows the election results'. --


"The old man wants me to dress her and get her prepped for the debates."

I swear that he said I was going to be put in charge of a turn-key operation

My friend Bruce has cancer. This chicken does not. So I'm going to cook Bruce for dinner, and throw this chicken at a small child.

"Just brilliant, Jackson ! As we 'have known the eyes already, known them all -The eyes that fix [us] in a formulated phrase, And when [we] are formulated, sprawling on a pin, When [we] are pinned and wriggling on a wall, Then how should [we] begin...... ?! - Why,with a frickin' raw, uncooked whole chicken, of course !"

"Well after Prop 8, we're just going to have to be a little more adventurous Jeffrey"

"No, it's a capon. Fat and castrated like an AIG executive."

"No, it's a headless fetus. You see, my wife... you know what, it's a long story."

"I'm going to cook it later."

"Black folks get coffee, white folks get uncooked turkeys. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose."

"The trick is, you thread it over the donkey's penis so you just get the tip."

"So you guys get the Presidency and the white man gets a turkey."

"Because Butterball hates black people."

"Oh shit, I wonder what the hell I put in the oven."

"Dude! You forgot to bring a turkey?!?! You'll be lucky if you don't get fired on the spot!"

"It's hard to fly like an eagle when you work with a turkey."

"I told you: my boss is a cotton-pickin' finger-lickin' chicken plucker. No offense about the cotton pickin'"

"The vet couldn't save him; I just am not ready to let him go."

" 'Clip-on' this, 'clip-on' that from Emmanuel ! This'll show the prick ! ...You coming ?"

"Kissed a turkey and it was sweet / It was just like kissing meat / Kissed a turkey won't change the work-y / But I'm still glad I kissed a turkey."

i carry this around to make my belt buckle look smaller

"I don't care what my turkey says. I wanna be a supermodel."

This one's going to close the deal on the Butterball account for sure - "I'm an L-Trypto-Fan". It can't miss.

Jesus Steve, your hideous eye scar scared the feathers off my wife!

You've got a big sleeve there.

I'm not going to ask why you didn't call, Ned, but I am going to ask why you unloaded 30 fucking staples into my turkey.

"This just oughta distract everybody away from that 'spot' drug-test of yours, Tavis. ..Best I can do, 'prissy'."

"Yes, I did my undergrad at Perdue. Why do you ask?"

"Looks like they'd have taken down all that 9/11 'Have you seen so-and so ?', by now."

"Carl, please take this chicken to accounting."

They call it a "Turpoopin." It's stuffed with its own feces.

And that's when I showed her my L face. L!

"'Spread the wealth around'? 'Put a chicken in every pot'? I have five words for you: From my cold, dead hands, you fucking socialist! Or, no, wait, I guess it's eight words."

The triptophan is good for my detached retina.

It's a seeing eye turkey-so it's allowed.

The turkey farm accident really changed my outlook.

It's the Thighsman Trophy.

Dressing is the key to success here in our firm.

I'm doing a special Cajun marinade injection-my name's Thibodeaux & I'm

Poultry in motion..

Dunham's doing Achmed the Dead Terrorist in the next room. I had to get Waddles, the Stuffed Turkey Carcass away from him. I was afraid he'd talk.

L if I know why I'm lugging a Butterball.

"Yeah, you so 'high horse' about it ! ..Word is Vey had you measured for watermelon, when The World Brotherhood League intervened !"

The lieutenant suspects fowl play.

The surgeon suggests I have it removed as a child, but I just grew accustomed to it.

My parents couldn't afford a pacifier.

"You know what I'd like for Christmas? A copy of 'Shut Up, I'm Talking: And Other Diplomacy Lessons I learned in the Israeli Government'. I heard it's a great read."

Oi vey!It is a kosher turkey...

"I'm supposed to treat it just like I would a regular child. Except I'm not meant to stuff it."

“Let me ‘splain something to you, La Shawn. White men can’t jump, but they don’t fumble the turkey either.”

If I drop this, can you help me -Steppenfechit?

Nice to have some dark meat here at Giblets, Gravy and Neckbone.

"What's to wonder ? Someone told Vey MUDDLING was a lost art."

There's a note on the board that says I fucked Shirley?

If this doesn't help me quit smoking, I'll probably try Nicorette. That or meth.

"I'm just saying, Tavistock, wouldn't it be hell to grow up in two-dimensional, chicken-coop space like a damn chicken ! ..I mean, 'gone to a better world', what ?!"

"Yeah, that's the thing with Rate My Professor, you never really know who's trashin' ya. TurkeylovingRacist1956 could be anybody."

Is there something about my face that makes you think I'm going to fuck this bird? Three out of four people that see me make some crack about my fucking this bird.

"It ain't a Tom turkey, and you ain't no Robert Downey Jr."

"I work on this 'The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest' 24/7. As most of the entries are completely uninformed by the delicious and subtly delineated rules I carefully composed long ago, what started as a lark has become an onerous chore, sapping my strength, my hope and my will to live. Now, if you can work 'delicious', 'lark' and something about 'hope' being the thing without feathers into some sort of lame and obvious explanation for this bird in my hand, so that I can be amused by just one f#@%ing caption, you can win a book.

"Hey, who made all these little dents in my full-size replica Thor helmet?"

"Look, one way or another, I'm thrusting my fist into an anal cavity at lunch today. So it would be in your best interest to drop the subject."

"Why does everyone that walks oast us ask, 'I'll bet you're having the DARK meat,' and then start snickering?"

Oh yeah? Well I can tell you from experience that it's warmer and wetter than your wife.

"Since I don't have a daughter, I celebrate 'Take your Poultry to Work' day."

"What a surprise- I prefer white meat and you stick with black coffee."

"It's for tomorrow- you know, casual fry-day."

"I'm going to go pork the other white meat."

It's worth two in the bush or 5.7 to a Fannie Mae mortgage appraiser.

Why did I cross the road?
I couldn't this chicken carcass off my member.

You can be my Little John & I'll be your Frier Tuck.

The Cornish Hen wasn't game so I plucked the turkey.

She gave me goose flesh.

Goosebumps by RL Stein-Carcass Set.

If the boss gooses me one more time, I'm going to HR.

Laugh now, but when the old man says "What I need now is a partially thawed turkey" - BAM! I'm in a corner office and my little friend here gets his giblets tossed!

I wish I had a knife, a fork, and an Asian co-worker.

"...so she says 'you're as romantic as a chicken with it's head cut off off' and so i says 'oh, yeah, well you just lie there during sex like a decapitated bird with its legs spread open'"

"and I'm all like, hell, I've never seen a chicken with so much 2nd day stubble on it but I'll be damned if that skin isn't smoother than the old wife's gams, so I says, "hell, who cares if it's frozen and has no personality. this little bird is open for business. what do those homeless people need with a free turkey dinner anyway."

"...so she says 'you're as romantic as a chicken with it's head cut off off' and so i says 'oh, yeah, well you just lie there during sex like a decapitated bird with its legs spread open,' see, like this"

Hannibal over in shipping made this for lunch. It tastes a little off, though.

"They're giving 'em away for free down at the county food bank. I thought your people knew all about that."

"i can't stand the in-laws around the holidays either. my wife insists on inviting her family over every Thanksgiving but I finally figured something out. I'm going to dress this bird up in a small cardigan and pair of corduroy pants that I bought at baby Gap. Then, I'm going to top it off with a paper mache head I've been making in my cubicle that looks just like her father. Once the wife yells 'Turkey's done!' I'm going to whip out this bad boy, start-up my new electric carving knife, and WHAM! carve the heck out of the old bird...Tyrone?...Tyrone???"

"Last night during foreplay I told my new girlfriend that sushi is my favorite food so she packs me this raw turkey for lunch. I guess that's what happens when you date 12 year olds."

"listen, buddy, I wouldn't worry about what's wrong with me holding a perfectly good turkey. I'm more worried about what's going on with that smudged mascara under your right eye."

"I'm one nose and a couple of trapezoids from being a Picasso and you're worried about a frozen turkey."

"This turkey was just lying in the fridge all alone and it reminded me of me. I'm bringing it back to my desk to be my muse for a series of hand turkey drawings. If I had a set of opposable thumbs I'd probably shoot myself."

"I have to take it everywhere I go. Otherwise, it won't let me fuck it."

"Because the smell of the rotting meat reminds me of death. Why do you carry that coffee cup around?"

"Ahhh! My eye! It's moving off my face again! Grab it, quick, before it gets away!"

"I have a confession to make. I wrote "P.C.VEY" on a floor tile. It was an act of rebellion ... but also a cry for help."

"Carl, your penchant for drinking coffee out of super tiny cups really fucking pisses me off. Why can't you be more normal like me?"

"Since the old man's has pulled rank and forwarded our calendars way the hell into Spring of 2010 in this asinine fashion, only because ,after all, a few of us wiseacres have occasionally twitted him for mis-dating correspondence , I will arbitrarily carry this plucked chicken about with me the rest of the day as a kind of protest. ..What's the matter ? Why are you staring ?"

"Sambo not kill white man. Sambo take this chicken"

In my opinion, best anti-caption ever:


"I fully admit my large turkey tie clasp is, by definition, a clip-on."

"So then I said, 'If you can get your arm all the way inside her up to your elbow, I'll give you a turkey.' Long story short, I had two turkeys before last night."

"My wife said I never surprise her with gifts anymore, so I'm giving her salmonella."


"I always thought there was no such thing as an ugly baby, but here we are."

"The hours here are obscene. That's why I brought this chicken to microwave for dinner."

“No, no, this is a fattened, plucked chicken, and NOT the head of Bill O’Reilly. But don’t worry, it’s an easy mistake.”

“Yep, got me $10K of stem cells right here. Thank god the dems finally legalized partial birth you-know-what.”

Oh, don't cry -- I had figured that once word got out about the emergency cancer surgery that people would get rather upset, so I selected this novelty colostomy bag. And if you'll excuse me, I really must visit the lavatory or else the joke will be on me. And by "joke," I'm referring to my own feces.

"Let's just say that I came before the chicken AND the egg."


"I don't think that temp agency is going to be sending over any more fucking chickens anytime soon!"


"Her parents think she can do better than a receiving clerk and my parents think that I can do better than a frozen hen, but the sex is too good to quit now."


"...and if I'm wrong the worse thing that happens is that the copier smells like chicken for a few days. No harm, now fowl."


"That's funny, where I come from you're a pervert if you DON'T try it at least once."


"...and then he was going to tell the farmer everything. What the hell was I supposed to do?"


"It'll be just like the Godfather, but with a god damn chicken instead of a fish!"


"Think outside the box, huh? I'll show him thinking outside the fucking box. I'm living outside the god damn box now!"

"How monkey is your chicken, how moose is your goose? You're an African-Canadian right? I love offending you people."

Hey Shlomo, stuffing this turkey is even better than stuffing your wife.

Fuck off, Asok. You don't get this turkey just because you have starving relatives.

I don't mean to make a fuss, but I think they may have given me decaf.

"No, I don't think "Take Your Child To Work Day" has gone to far."

In a moment of terror, Bill realized where Tommy had been since last night.
Triptoblackophobia: The fear of walking with a friend through an office building and realizing you left your second turkey at home.
"Well, my wife gets the kids for Thanksgiving, so... you take the victories as they come.

Ok, Bill. I confess. There is no turkey -- I spiked your coffee with acid this morning.

"It's a good thing there are no bla - ...oh, shit."

Popped the turkey into the oven before I left for work. Now all I gotta do is drop Junior here off at daycare.

"Here's the kicker--little 7 lb. 6 oz. Katie is roasting at 325 because her belly button looks like a pop up timer!"

"Here at Chase we fill our bank branches with highly visible, low level tellers and customer service reps from the Caribbean, hoping that this will keep the public from noticing our executive offices are lily white, and that it took us forever to acknowledge we acquired companies that had realized huge profits from the slave trade, and then only after boycotts, lawsuits and general bad press generated by black student groups. You are from Tamil Nadu, Manju, and thus darker than most African Americans; however, you people are still classified as caucasian, some even say "Aryan," so your presence here at Chase headquarters does not offend us in the least."

"It's a new Holiday tradition the company's trying out. Each year, a different race of employees is gonna get a free turkey . . . They're starting with white."

"I often wonder why in the 21st century we in the United States still wipe our anuses with toilet paper after defecation, leaving a good bit of noisome -- not to say uncomfortable -- dried fecal matter clinging to the outside of our bodies and soiling our undergarments."

"So my eye has someplace to land, basically."

This bulletin board is supposed to be for posting announcements and carpool information, why would someone fill it with a bunch of blank, lined sheets of paper?

"Yeah, that is kind of strange, isn't it?"

If you wanted some of my turkey you should have at least ordered a venti.

"I'm haunted by the faces of my chickens."

"You have much to learn about how the White House works, Mr. President."

"So she finally lets me watch a football game, and there's one of those stupid interest stories about how the rookie who fumbled has to carry a football everywhere he goes and he has to sleep with it and take it in the shower and everything, and so - you know where this is going, oh, I'll tell you anyway - so she says to me that since I exploded the Thanksgiving turkey last year in the deep fat fryer - how the hell was I supposed to know I had to defrost it? - anyway, this thing is starting to stink, isn't it?

"All he said was come to my office with your timecard, your turkey and your black sidekick...This can't be good."

I knew butterball was a bird. But a verb! Furcockt! And with such small hands.

"She said she wanted my cock, I told her it was dead, and she said take it to an E.D. specialist, so that's where I'm headed now. New relationships are confusing. Can I borrow your alarm clock?"

"Certainly not! The domestication of 'Gallus gallus domesticus' first occurred in Southeast Asia, specifically the Indus Valley --but your people may claim the watermelon in a certain sense, accepting the following disclaimer that the first recorded harvest of 'Citrullus lanatus' took place in Egypt in the time of the first Pharoahs. ...Alright, stare all you like Buford, but yet keep in mind that Alzheimer's is 'rara avis' in my family...'Dementia senilis'..any of that."

Parts is parts, pal. Besides, getting off with a blow-up doll would be a little too weird, don't you think?

Hey! Quit staring! I don't rip on you for dating fat white chicks.

I warned her not to use that cheap Chinese birth control, but the little lady just doesn't listen!

Potluck? What potluck?

"Boss said microwave this turkey and get it to Cratchit in accounting. Say, isn't he a friend of yours?"

"People have a difficult time meeting my gaze so they give me turkey instead."

"As a suffering of roving eye socket I'm the recepient of odd random gifts."

"As a SUFFERER of radical roving right eye socket I find the need to have a conversational prop at all times."

"I like to marinate my Butterballs in armpit sweat for several hours."

"As a Muslim I would imagine you have a lot to be thankful for."

"When Jesus and the Angel Moroni heal this chicken, you give up the joe. Deal?"

"Common misconception. It's a small dead musk ox--one rarely sees them nude."

"Tonto, it's not that I don't appreciate your effort--but a silver pullet?"

"Quick! Go long!"

"Will coffee take schmaltz stains out of silk ties? Walk with me."

"Patel, I've decided to spend the afternoon in the small conference room with Henrietta, trying on nice little outfits. We'll do your ninety day review Thursday. Capice?"

"Some chickens out in front of the lobby were selling candy bars, trying to raise money for their team uniforms. So I killed them and ate them (except this one, Denny, whom I'm giving to Betty in HR.)

"What? You've never seen a holiday-themed novelty tie clip before?"

Why? Because the time for meaningless gestures has past."

"Give a Negro a turkey and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to hold up a 7 Eleven and he will eat for a week."

"She found the text messages and just lost it. Shoved the turkey at me, said I could have Thanksgiving in the gutter and just threw me out of the house.... Oh, god, what have I done? I've lost her forever. She...she hates me now. Jesus christ, I just want to die."

Do you think Andy Rooney's eyebrows are naturally like that? Or does he use gel and a hairdryer?

" '3-D ! Hey,3-D !' You get that ? Where's the respect ? ..Freakin' retards in 'culinary arts' !"

"With very few exceptions, artists from the Renaissance period up to the present, by combining the technical devices of foreshortening and linear perspective, have been capable of recreating a realistic sense of three-dimensional space. Now finish your damn coffee and take this chicken back so I can get on to 'Fine Arts'...'Mr. Kitchen' !"

Some old geezer gave me half a crown to deliver this to the Cratchits. I'll get to it when I get to it.

Yeah, you just have to convince the food bank that you need it. Dude, you could get one easily. You're black.

I like black men just like I like my turkey...raw

Something on my tie? Did I get it off?

"I hate my job."

"Sorry for not getting back to you, Seymour. I forgot the cranberries so my wife stuffed by Blackberry in this turkey's ass."

should read:

"Sorry for not getting back to you, Seymour. I forgot the cranberries so my wife stuffed my Blackberry in this turkey's ass."

"Everyone uses Powerpoint, Henry. I find it makes a bigger impression when I pull my presentation from the ass of a turkey."

"So I told her, 'that's not the sky that's falling, that's my ax.' "

"Yes, I'm fucking a chicken."

Rayfield's skeletal remains have been back in that cubicle for almost a year and no one noticed till I tried to give him the Thanksgiving bonus turkey.

40 lashes for the next person who says we're neither highbrow nor lowbrow.

We singed our lashes and brows in a terrible turkey fryer incident.

Dick-Don't look at me all cock-eyed!

This bowel movement is the closest thing I'll ever have to a son.

The best thing about working for Mr. Purdue is all the free chickens. Of course, they're a little messy after he's had his way with them.

"Wait a minute...if its, 'bring your daughter to work day,' and I brought the turkey instead of my daughter, and my wife is home roasting the turkey for dinn- OH MY GOD."

"No, I don't have spare change."

"Don't cry, Bill. It felt good to finally tell someone the story. At least my beloved conjoined twin Henrietta wasn't cursed with the protruding right eyeball. By the way, I love your belt. Where did you get it?"

"And then we honeymooned in Vegas but unfortunately the hotel maid mistook her for a chicken, chopped off her head and then plucked all her feathers."

"You know what they say:

Tiny hands, tiny cup of coffee.

Slightly larger hands, dead chicken.

Either way, slope-shouldered, dick-less and holding a piece of paper.

Am I right?"

"It looks ridiculous for me to carry around this turkey, you say? Well excuse me for wanting some company the day after my child dies of SIDS. On his birthday. You're right, Bill, how silly of me."

"Contrary to what Simmons says, I'm a turkey plucker, goddammit! That's plucker with a PL."

"So I put in my dime and, well, this came out. What a fucking weird copy machine."

"Ooh, is that gravy you have? Because I just LOVE drinking gravy from a cup! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a turkey to sodomize!"

"Boy, do I feel stupid. I brought this in for Jenkins 'cause he wanted to have a good ol' 'Turkey Stomp,' and only now does he tell me it's supposed to still be alive."

"Let's talk Turkey here. Or Hungry. Or Grease. Or Chili. Get it? They're countries, yeah. There should be a country called Sweet Potato. Cranberry Sauce. Cranberry Sauce is what Lennon says at the end of I Am the Walrus. Not I Buried Paul. There should be a country called I Buried Paul. You have really tiny hands. Is that why you use that tiny cup? I'll bet you hate those man-sized pencils."

"You're Red Grange. You probably think there's clouds in your coffee. You're Red Grange."

"Mr. Scrooge told me to take it home and feed it to Tiny Tim. I didn't have the heart to tell him that... that Tiny Tim died last night."

"I couldn't help but notice you're carrying a cup of coffee."

"He flipped me the bird, so I ran with it."

"The boss says I have a lot of pluck. Is that a good thing?

Last week, "These boots were made for Christopher Walkin" was really funny.

"Don't look now, but we're not being followed."

"The only thing I hate more than me carrying a naked turkey is me carrying a naked turkey in a cartoon."

"I know what you're thinking... I'm one sorry mother-plucker."

"It pecked off my eyebrows, so I killed it. What happened to yours?"

"Oh I do find stealing notices from the Missing Persons' Board so deliciously ironic! Now we shall toast our deviousness by eating this vegetarian chicken."

That watermelon yesterday was in poor taste, I know, so I bought you this fried chicken.

"Let us give this poor creature's remains a decent burial."

"I had sex with Nureyev in his prime."

"Terrence, I really think you should drop this Michael Jackson thing, you look ridiculous. Besides, he only wore one white glove."

"Hey, Barack, I'd like to be our ambassador to Turkey."

"Uh, look, Milton, when one of you has come so far workplace-wise as to adopt the 'Windsor', he should take caution to see that the tie falls to within no more than a half inch of the belt. ...I knew there was something when you walked in !"

"To be perfectly honest, I thought I, at least, had a shot in there with Allstate ...when by dressing this 10-pound 'broiler' in the manner I did, I must have relieved their people of any lingering doubts they may have had as to the quality and effectiveness of MY HANDS !"

[What kind of nitwit thinks he can get a job in this economy ?!]

"Veni vidi holiday bonus o-leevio!"

Tyrone, I'm going to have to reiterate what was clearly stated in multiple memos, ____
I don't believe we can be more clear.!


"Thank Christ I wore my striped tie or else everyone would say we're twins today."

Your hands appear more cafe au lait.

The boss said I would get the raise if I brought him some gray goose...

I got this great poultry dish over at the new hip fusion restaurant.

So this guy stormed in, gave me $5.00, tasered my chinchilla and the pet turkey, knocked my eye out of socket and said Christopher Walken will play my role in the screen adaption.

Rufus, How many times do we have to tell you to not wear the gloves at the tanning bed!

I would like to con"vey" that you and I are in the midst of artistic greatness- this "Memos in a Modernist World" painting
should be in the Louvred blinds back in that cubicle.

I won't keep you in the dark. You will be kept abreast of all developments.

I'm a leg man myself.

It was if some unseen hand posted all new memos showing the lines on all Vegas sports bets.

I've got a new slogan for our firm- "The Small Coffee and Turkey Scented Hands People"


My wife said she preferred the turkey baster so turn about's fair play.

Larry, you're nose looks like L!

Rhinop_asty- and I said "Vanna,could I buy another consonant, it's right near the tip of my tongue! "Q" All I ended up was some lovely parting gifts for my hair and a turkey.

Damn the frozen turkey bombs, Full speed ahead!

How long have you been here at Cox, Pirt & Siemens?

Waiting for the spring thaw...

The Colonel makes us sacrifice one everyday in the conference room.

Memo to self-Delineate!

So the proctologist said,
Don't worry. I've accidentally sat on frozen 22 lb turkeys and live gerbils as well.

Doesn't taste like chicken-more like a small protractor!

It was the last elephant trunk legged pheasant in the world and Cheney accidentally shot it when he missed his lawyer.

"Things are getting really weird around here. Did you see that levitating wastebasket in that room back there?"

I gotta hand it to ya... no, seriously, I GOTTA hand it to ya... so put down that coffee cup!"

"...why? what are you getting the boss for christmas?"

"Reggie my man, you doing the fonky turkey strut all wrong. You got to lead with your eyeball."

"Thanksgiving, like Columbus Day, really is a celebration of white racist domination and genocide."

"The president can pardon a turkey. So pardon my turkey."

"I am hereby protesting Sarah Palin's Alaskan 'turkey-pardon', as seen on YouTube. I planned to bring her in on a leash but the critter wouldn't cooperate."

'Stormy, husky, brawling, City of the Big Shoulders' ?

Don't worry, there's no chance me holding a turkey will stop people from jumping at the chance to make racist cracks if there's a black person in the frame. The spotlight is yours.

"He's dead, Jim."

"Stuff it."

"I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Sarah! I'm going to smoke another joint, feed the baby and then eat some of the turkey I've been cooking all day!... Wait a minute, This isn't my home... and Sarah... you are a black man!... and I don't cook!"

"There, behind you... A Memo with nothing written on it! I told you it was weird working here!"

"Oh, crap! My right eye has excaped again!"

"It started as an innocent mole on my left boob."

"Because if I let go, my turkey tie will strangle me."

Man, we missed you at the Exophthalmos Support Group last week. This guy did a presentation about going to Mexico for the nebulized laetrile treatment. He even wore a native costume.

"Thanks, Henry . Gee,I was thinking there was something really weird going on with my eyes, not to be able to make out those 'work needed' ads from halfway across the hall here ! But, hey, if even to one of you people, the 'Can you help me ?' appeals look to be so much crabbed scribbling, my worst fears are certainly put to rest. ..Thanks again."

"Hobby Lobby gots parts that'll turn this baby into a first rate set a bagpipes, you wait and see!"

Friends, Romans, countrymen lend us an ear!

You're not P.C.!

The shear audacity of removing the hair from the left side of my head and posting a memo over memo!

No off the cuff remarks from you!

Won the turkey shoot and the piss for distance...

I'm going to go shove this turkey up the Geico caveman's Neanderthal ass.

Chicken pocks...

Obama's damn mutt killed my pet chicken!

When you rub the breast, the neck nipple becomes tumescent.

We work together seamlessly.

You should have gone to the meat and greet!

Look ma, only two cavities!

This turkey walks into a club...

Solemn of Qantas, 007!

Could you check on my ear?

The large cups for whities are stored on the top shelf in back.

Reparations? He's beyond repair.

I need my capon.

The new Starclucks in the lobby rocks!

You mean to tell me the boss said "turn-key" solution?

The boss said, "Get that Negro out of the coffee room and bring that turkey to me.

"I love my dead, gay son!"

"Being vice president really sucks!"

"Jim, do you ever experience dizziness during foreplay? It happens to me so often I have a word for it, 'foretigo.' I get lightheaded almost as soon as I start to caress naked flesh. It's happening right now in fact. Would you mind keeping an eye on me while I have sex with this chicken? I'd hate to pass out in the break room and be found pantless inside an Oven-Stuffer Roaster. That would be embarassing."

"'It's Thursday, Schmidt! Thursday isn't Chicken Day, Schmidt, it's Funny Hat Day, Schmidt!' So just like that I'm fired."

"I am on my way to the media center. You are in on a bit of history here, because I propose to introduce a new word to the vocabulary by employing this bird in a way which apparently has not escaped the imagination of today's male --but which has never before been so fittingly named, I believe, as by the word 'Necrofowlia'. ..So what do you think ?"

"A 'heads-up' for you, Murphrees. 'Planters' is looking to reprise 'Mr. Peanut'. ..Could be little royalty in there for you."

"Had a thought, Hoover. Let us just check whether Al-Sabiyah can walk about these premises to equal indifference."

Video Dating Submission #1b5cef: Mike Conrad

"Although I may at first appear to be a virtual caricature of a normal, boring businessman, trust me baby I'm all about being different. I'm pretty much the only guy here who wears a striped tie, and wouldn't it be funny if I tried to drink out of this turkey? I mean instead of a coffee cup. Oh five seconds. Conrad: You've had the rest, now try Conr--"

I couldn't tell if it was a hen or a rooster, but I fucked it anyway.

Oh no you didn't! Turkey tried to play me. And now he's dead.

Mother always liked you best. I remember when she took you to the circus, but not me. She left me at home. She took Teddy and gave me Tom and ever since he's been my touchstone. Why did she give you power of attorney?

It's the Tom Tom navigation system. You put a fresh young turkey under your arm and people tell you where to go, where to get off, where the nearest psych ward is,et cetera.

It's the Israeli attache.

"When my mother warned me about the bad effects of choking the chicken, I didn't realize it was the chicken that would go blind."

"These have been turning up all over Vegas lately. Toxicology and ballistics reports always negative, loose internal organs shoved back inside. I'm going to bring this down to doc in the morgue and pay a visit to Lady Heather and 'pump' her for information. Warrick, you go check out the new crime scene and mass grave in the freezer at Safeway. Better hurry- there's a shortcut through the alley."

"Sure, I'll go home and really enjoy this turducken with my family, but by the time I've passed it through my system I'll face a hostile job market with few to no marketable skills."

"Sure, I've pictured this scene a thousand times, but whenever I imagined it, you had the turkey and I had the ramekin of thousand-dollar espresso."

"November 22, 2008 - November 22, 1963 ? Duh ! I should think it would be obvious to you why I called this turkey 'Earl Warren Bugliosi', poor brute. .. Following me to the media center ?"

"Bush refused to grant the traditional pardon. Something about trusting the will of the jury."

"This is the turkey Sarah Palin pardoned."

"It's for the cover of Levey's next book: Turkey Cooking Lesson's I've Learned from PETA."

"My wife says that rubbing this on my shirt will help the coffee stain come out. Then again, she is a hateful bitch."

"What the hell, P.C. Vey?! How is it you can draw an acceptable turkey, yet somehow I've got one of my eyeballs sticking out the side of my head?"

"Apparently our artist thought Picasso had a 'frozen fowl' period. What a dumbass."

"We both like to carry our paperwork in our right hands! How funny!"

"I use this to distract people in staff meetings in case I get a spontaneous erection."

"Huh. . . . Well, where the fuck's the baby, then?"

"Then he put it into my hands, and then . . . then Daddy went away. And that was that. I suppose I oughta . . . I mean, I know it's . . . but I just can't. Damn. Blow your harmonica, Frank."

So I was going over the specs when I noticed... Wait a second why the fuck am I holding this turkey?

"You're right, Sarah Palin did pardon it. But who takes anything she says seriously?"

Forget turkey on white bread, bring on the gams and cheese on pumpernickel.
The dancings girls might even be pump'er for 20. I'm having visions of longlegged beauties enjoying my sausage at the night time butcher job.

"I wear mine down my right pants leg. Oh, you too?"

Serge no longer served espresso with a twist of lemon at fancy art galleries. He cut meat. Brigitte slyly ignored the fresh meat and thought wistfully of Flave's meth encrusted tube steak.

"It was either this or tiny little dancing women."

"Sure, always room for one more. My whole family voted for McCain though. Will that be too uncomfortable?"

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