November 10, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #170

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.


First place
The gypsy's enigmatic words, "You will be haunted by your identical Latino cowboy twin", proved to be prophetic. —Clambone

Second place
"License to practice law? I don't need no stinkin' license to practice law! Oh, wait, yes, I do -- at least in this state. I just moved here from North Carolina. I didn't dress appropriately there either."—Francis

Third place
"Oh yeah? Well YOUR costume demeans people who shop at Men's Wearhouse. Who's the real racist here?" —Arthur

Honorable mention
"It's just demographics, baby. In 20 years every professional will dress like this." —manyBuddha

"I'm a Blackstone cowboy. Should I call myself Johnny Crash, Gene Audit, Marty Robbing, or Buck Owing?" —Kosmicki

"Your personal ad said, 'Wanted: Discreet, straight-acting Latino workout buddy for mutual fun.' Yet you won't return my calls anymore. Why?!" —louis lewis

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"I see by your outfit that you are a banker."

"I've got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle and it makes my dick tingle, tangle, tingle."

"I'm peeing my pants right now."

"I got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle."

"Badges! We forgot our stinkin' badges!"

[Damn you, JohhnyB! Yer got the drop on me agin!"]

"I believe that Obama will reform the immigration laws and I will be free to practice law in the open."

"Hey, pardner, how the heck do you keep such a nice crease?"

"Well, I once read 'bout them Chinese ladies and their bound feet and I said, Tex, that sure 'nuff is for you!"

"Sure, you love to SING 'Desperado' on your way to work every day, but God forbid you actually MEET one, is that how it is?"

"Why, yes, my briefase IS a clip-on, why do you ask?"

"Well, if we don't land the Grupo Modelo account, Tom, I really hope you guys do. I mean that. But I'll tell you, we had wardrobe working on our pitch all weekend and I really like our chances."

“Remove the slugs from his torso, replace his eyeballs, reattach his penis, and he walks.”

The gypsy's enigmatic words, "You will be haunted by your identical Latino cowboy twin", proved to be prophetic.

"License to practice law? I don't need no stinkin' license to practice law! Oh, wait, yes, I do -- at least in this state. I just moved here from North Carolina. I didn't dress appropriately there either."

It's just demographics, baby. In 20 years every professional will dress like this.

Yeah, it's "Outback Financial" now - mutual funds and a bloomin' onion. Interested?

Oh yeah? Well YOUR costume demeans people who shop at Men's Wearhouse. Who's the real racist here?

Look! They've named this soul food restaurant "Katrina's." That is so racist!

"Yep, they call me 'Tex.' But, truth be told, I'm really from Louisiana. But, there ain't no way they're gonna call me 'Louise'!"

"I just realized that having a briefcase with a snap on is completely anachronistic when paired with this costume. Care to trade bags with me?"

"Lefty, you can't sing the blues all night long like you used to; the dust I bit down south ended up in your mouth. The day they laid me low, you may have split for Ohio, but I will haunt you as long as you live, old son, carrying the Inexplicable Briefcase of Doppelgänger Mockery filled with unpublished lyrics by Townes Van Zandt -- as if I thought the suburban ladies of both sexes who keep the New Yorker in business gave a good shit. They think Townes Van Zandt was either a film director or a Sopranos cast member. -- Oh look, here's Kat."

"Well, speakin' fer myself, I'm knee deep in cow pie futures."

(1) "I hear that dang ol' stock market's goin' up agin. YEE-HAW!"

(2) "Whatsa matter, pardner? You still mad that I scalped that injin and lynched that negro yesterday? Well at least I didn't sell 'em no subprime mortgages like you done!"

(3) "I wish I could quit you!"

"My what big eyes you have!"

"I wanna go in there so I can be the hat in the Kat!"

"This Levitational Sombrero is so much more convenient and fun to use than my Segway, but I miss the thrill of crushing the legs of homeless people."

"Gosh darn it, you're disbarred, and I'm deranged."

"Blah blah immigration reform blah blah blah."

"Hi, my name's Kevin O'Callaghan. Yours?"

"I'm a Blackstone cowboy. Should I call myself Johnny Crash, Gene Audit, Marty Robbing, or Buck Owing?"

Sorry, I'm a straight caballero.

I wish someone else would show up so we could see which one of us is the punchline.

You must be the guy that time-traveled back to the 19th century, where I currently live now. Holy shit, I'm really lucky to have met you. Are you going somewhere, cause I'm still standing here trying to have a conversation.

Now I dare them to lay me off.

"These heels are WILLIN' me !"

“We would never elect a black man or a white man.”

"This colorful sarape will enliven any boardroom table, and my castration tools should come in handy"

" 'Get out of Dodge', he yelled --which somehow made it easier."

"Once you go Mexican, you'll wanna have sex again."

"They say,' Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.'"

I just wear the boots and the sombrero to co-ordinate my look, it's the magic serape that allows me to just float, float, float where ever I want to go.

"Know what? When you tell a cartoonist to 'draw' you'd best mean it...Otherwise he'll make you look like a dang fool."

"Hey, you know what ?! Though we speak with the tongues of men, or of 'federals', but are not bodily, we are become as bungling ass, or frickin' slimeball ! ...Weird, I'm somehow channeling 'Radosh' : R-A-D-O-S-H !"

"These boots aren't meant for walking --but neither were those 'heels' of my wife. ...Remember back in August ?"

This was the wardrobe issued to most of us downticket republicans. But on the bright side, I get to keep it.

This was the wardrobe issued to most of us downticket republicans. But on the bright side, I get to keep it.

"I mean, no kat, no dog, no hydrant...not even no left over dog 'poop' ?! You call this a....why, back 'redo we had us carto... ..er, few cars, I meant."

"It called 'the Peter principle. Do 'wetback' and 'bad debt' sound alike to you ? Ex of Eagle Pass, partner. ...Oh, yeah !"

"Hey, you're right, Fred, those high heels do fit right inside these boots! That is sooo cool!"

I'll give you a million dollars to sleep with your wife.

A-ha, Katz's Deli. We could eat there, but as you can tell by my hat and boots, I'm antisemitic.

"It's happening! It's happening! The rapture! I'm going-- ooop, sorry, it was just gas from those 7-layer burritos."

"I always wondered what it would be like to "walk" down the sidewalk in a Spike Lee movie."

" 'Slim Pickens', hell !"

"Obama can take away our guns and golden parachutes but he can't take away Casual Gaucho Friday."

"Of course, I'm missing my horse. Now how will I enter the Board Meeting without a horse? Feinstein, would you mind if I saddled you up? It would mean the world to me, a kind of final gallantry as our aristrocratic world crashes down around us!"

"My cat hates me."

"'Cause I'm as gay as the day is long, that's why!"

"You know what the big difference is between you and me, Stan? It's that I only have one steel rod coming out of my head, and you have two!"

"You ever see that movie 'Urban Cowboy'? I never have, myself, but people keep telling me I should. Maybe they're right."

"I am the ghost of Cinco de Mayo past. Now I will show you how those piñatas you sold were made by children at 2 am in China and what the melanine and lead in them did to a poor 7 year old girl just trying to have fun at her sister's birthday party. You evil, evil little man."

The new guy from New Mexico is soooo hot! I feel like I've known him all my life. The way he walks without moving his legs, the elf feet, the pachyderm thighs. Oh my god, I just noticed both of our left index fingers are stiff as boards and I think he just touched my case. I would eat a seven-layer dip off the top of his sombrero any day. Should I say something?

"I just lit the fuse on my boot-bomb. It's nice knowin'ya."

"Rememberthe Flying Nun? I'm the Flying Caballero."

Sure, I remember the Alamo!

[Me so horny. Me love you long time]
Yo tan córneo. Yo amor usted tiempo largo.

The hombres here are obscene.

I'm wearing my Bandido outfit for bailout Friday!

"Ah, but which of us is the real Dave? I certainly don't feel like a figment of someone's imagination..."

Remember: The Johnsons always give out full-size Snickers bars. And don't bother stopping at the Millers'. How many toothbrushes can a guy use?"

"If you pushed my chest right now, I'd fall right off these heels. Hint, hint."

"Wanna know how long it's been since I blinked? Well? Ya wanna? Ya wanna? Huh? Ya wanna?"

"Yeah, actually I am on my way to the office Halloween party. That's why I still have my briefcase. So I can change into my Joker costume when I get there."

"Jim, be honest with me. Does it annoy you when I dress up with all these silly-looking accessories and wear cute pointy stiff boots and then walk with little teeny tiny baby steps on my tippytoes at around 1/10 of a mile an hour? Be honest. Really."

"Since starting crystal meth I find I need no sleep at all. Oh, you too?"

"Shit, I left my wallet at home."

"You know, I'm actually starting to feel bad about breaking into that Mexican guy's house."

*Dead silence. With the sound of guns blasting in the distance, a Puerto Rican businessman and a friend realize that the Spanish-American war has reached Puerto Rico. Each one is contemplating their near future, and wondering how to contact loved ones in this time of crisis.*

"Cool, a Taco Bell!! Let's go there for lunch!!"

"Your moonwalk sucks, senor!"

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a wagon wheel!"

"Why do you keep staring at me? Its halloween. Some people like to dress up on halloween. *Muttering* Fucking asshole."

"Your personal ad said, 'Wanted: Discreet, straight-acting Latino workout buddy for mutual fun.' Yet you won't return my calls anymore. Why?!"

"Es mejor morir de pie que vivir de rodillas."

“Yeah, actually there is an interesting story behind this. I killed a wetback and took his clothes. See ya Monday.”

"Blah, blah, blah, blah... Brokeback Mountain."

"So, amigo, tell me, did Mork win last week's caption contest yet?"

I forecast a bright future in Chalupa derivatives.

HA! You lose! He didn't say "Simon Says."

Eli Wallach grew up in a Jewish family in a predominantly Italian American neighborhood in Brooklyn. He is shown here, (in sombrero) with his long lost twin brother, a New York attorney named Pablo.

Good thing there are no black people here to see this.

"Ooh, I sure hope mom packed me those fetus lip tacos for lunch!"

"Do I have a mouse in my pocket? No, I have a mouse in my sombrero."

"..............TEQUILA !...................TEQUILA ..........."

Señor Cartwright, he sends me to big city to find his fourth bride and give me this big bag full of monies to give her, but instead I thinks I buy a mountain of cocaine and live in this kathouse.

Señor Cartwright, he sends me to big city to find his fourth bride and give me this big bag full of monies to give her, but instead I thinks I buy a mountain of cocaine and live in this kathouse.

"Ooh, lets' go into Katz's! I can get a good corned beef sandwich, a half-sour pickle, and shoot me some Jews!"

"Is one small step for extraterrestrial and....Oof, hundred pardons, mizzus !"

"The Bureau's here is unseen."

So you just stand on this corner and wait for a gringo to to pull up in a pickup truck, but dont dress like a fag next time...

"Yes. I am among the statistically insignificant portion of Americans who approves of Bush...How'd you know?"

" 'Don't cry for me,[Cartagena] The truth is I never left you All through my wild days My [drag ..uh, drug'd] existence I kept my promise Don't keep your distance ! -And as for fortune, and for for fame, I never invited them in ..............They are illusions, They are not the solutions ! "

"Hey meester, you want to meet my seester? Or me, if you're gay?

"No, the giant eyes are from mom's side of the family."

"I know this was your cartoon, but I was supposed to be in The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #169. What can I say. Really, this is better. You didn't look stupid enough by yourself."

"Crawford, Texas. Why do you ask?"

--Damn ! I knew there was a 'Crawford' angle in there someplace !--

Me, I've been heading up promotion for that new development down south -- Pancho Village.

"It 'leash-rattler' siesta time, senor. ..Whaat, you tink we Mex backward ? ..No whyyeee !"

I will finish judging last week's Anti-Caption contest right after this siesta.

"Don't mention the merger, Ned. Don't say anything about the merger, Ned, nothing is final, Ned, and everyone will freak out...."

(in voice of J.Peterman) "Hold on, my good man, I'm having another epiphany: refried bean ice cream!"

You didn't get the memo about "illegal immigrant" Friday?

...and so anything that possibly can happen DOES happen, in one of the trillions of alternate realities that spins into existence every second. Also, I think we're suffering from multiple personality disorder and delusions...

"... and if you're ever in Alaska, stop and see my cute little Eskimo..."

"This military tribunal makes my six years at Guantanamo Bay seem like a vacation." [Translated from the original Arabic.]

"Now people will know which of us is the evil twin."

...And then these severed heads come rolling out onto the dance floor. It was fucking crazy, man. All in all, it was still a good trip.

"Duuuuuude, I can't wait to go in there! Kappa Alpha Pi throws the best costume parties! No offense, but seriously dude, that balding-guy-in-his-forties outfit is not going to get you laid, my friend."

"....Laundry day!"

"....Can you believe the way that copier was acting up?...I mean it's like they can't get someone in here to fix it or get something new. Sure I understand they have to cut back, but I mean, if we can't use it, we can't do our job....Am I right?...hey, if it doesn't work-no skin off my nose. I just have to sit and wait for someone to fix it. I can waste time...Am I right?"

"....and that, my friend, was the best sex I've ever had."

"That's just what they do Nancy."
Where's my Chevy, Amigo?"
The second amendment right to bandoleros was infringed upon by the tassels in the Mexican bus.
Since the banks are failing, we should start a shop in Greenwich! Do you prefer-"Spur of the Moment" or "The Girl Can't Help It"?"

"So who would have thought that Dusty Bottoms and Irwin "Fletch" Fletcher would ascend to Co-Chairmanship of Chevy Chase Manhattan Bank?"

In need of a break, Tex and Out of Contex entered the Kat Kit Bar...

Tex's new personal assistant, Kotex, offered to pull a few strings.

"Ay, caramba, hombre ! Waat's happying here ?! They twices beeg bilding dere once'd seeex zeben cheers ago, Pablo tinking ! ....Diablo !"

No Mr. Credence Clearwater Revival Fan -I do not know "Who'll stop the rain?"

The CIA cutout used the Frito Bandito disguise to hide the eye nose exchange.

Katalyst for Change?

I do love Olive Oyl on my tongue, you Sailor Man with a briefcase full of spinach!

You Katholic?

Want to get back in my saddle again, Brokeback Banker?

"I think I just stepped in Katman doo.."

"I have 1/3 of a cheap motel air conditioner stuck to my sombrero!"

"We hyperthyroidists do have Bette Davis eyes.."

Dear heart, forbear to glance thine eye aside:
Kill me outright with looks, and rid my pain.

"No kidding! Mr. Katzenjammer."

"Half a Mouse" a play in two kats

"Nighttime would find me in Rosa's Katina
Music would play and Felina would whirl.."

"Want to go in Kat of Nine Tails biker bar for good old fashioned ass whipping?"

Like to sarape me?

"Beware the lurkling variable in our spurious relationship.."

I forgot the dildo bandolero.

"I've got all my money in pork bellies. Well, pork RINDS to be more specific."

I'll bet you're a Leo!

2 sidewalks to nowhere in search of a street

Lonesome Ranger meets Handsome Stranger.

Zane Grey. But you can call me Pearl!

The Frito Bandito feared Bizarro Banker world.

The leather cases actually held their briefs and boxers.

Be thou my vision.

A brief exchange between case officers.

Midday. Not a sound from the pavement...

I'll soon be touching you
And your strange bewildering time
Will hold me down.

Want to step into Katie's Placental Diner?- I hear Tom Cruise eats there.

"I got a strange call last night. All they said was 'Spaghetti western, you crazy bastard, how are you?'"

"Already I'm doughy and got no dick so I figured what the hell."

"Word to the wise: come the real revolution white men in suits will be shot."

"Good thing we make six figures because otherwise no self-respecting female would ever fuck us."

"It's the only thing that keeps me from being depressed about my gunt."

"Bullet holes? Incidental. Stab wounds? Incidental. He died from drinking the water."

Look...we're not twins anymore.

"They said Gerry Spence looked out of place."

" 'Verde que te quiero verde. Verde viento. Verdes ramas....' "

I told him it was #169 and he told me to get out. He doesn't know I took his table runner.

" 'Si yo pudiera, [banquero], este trato se cerraba, Pero yo ya no soy yo, Ni mi casa es ya mi casa'."

"Warning about this meeting - the hombres are obscene."

delete prior post

The sombreros here ARE obscene, however.

"Someones be out for Pedro ! Si ! Mans, when he gots to #169, beeg hole dere, nada, nothings ! ..Ay, caramba ! New Yorks !"

"If you get an outfit you can be a cowboy, too".

" 'I had not thought [debt] had undid so many'!"

".........had UNDONE so many'!"

"The manholes here are ALMOST unseen."

"How 'bout them knickers ?!"

"You go on ahead. I'm going to stand here until the rapture wears off."

"As always said ONE amigo with a good lawyer is all you really need to clean up this town...Right Irv?"

"Med'vac upon a gurney in one life, I found myself 'within a florist' -Lar! -For the STRAIGHT, forward* pathway had been lost !" *( #169 -170)

Com on, how long could it take us to spend a few billion of the Fed's money, now that everyone knows we have it. This hat alone was $500,000, the boots and spurs were $1.2 million...

"Sé que parezco realmente estúpido en este sombrero, pero no cuido."

"Since it will now be way cool for blacks to be in New Yorker cartoons, I'm taking this last opportunity to appear as some kind of token Hispanic."

--Kudos to 'LV' for his last--

I'd keep up with you, but if I'm not careful, I'll step on a crack and break my abuela's back.

My boots have built-in fluroscopes. And yes, I have spinal columns in my shins.

"Hey ! You know who you talking ?! You wanna big trouble ? .Yeah, that right ! 'Billy', 'Billy' Emmanuel ! ..So get !"

"By the way, Jensen...did I mention that beneath the casual drape of my serape lies a bandoleer of exploding cartridge shells? I'm just making small talk."

"The 'huris' here are paid-in."

"Oh, and Jenson. Did I also mention that I am 1/32 Mexican and 97% psychotic?"

"Truelly it is a remarkable thing to walk down a public thoroughfare with your homophobic Mormon twin brother!"

“You have to know how to talk to these Mexican judges.”

"Fuck you, asshole!"

Taser my chinchilla-$5.00

It WAS a spur of the moment decision!

The first rule of Sombrero Club is you don't talk about Sombrero Club. Ooops. I guess, strictly speaking, I just violated the first rule of Sombrero Club.

Man! That was a nice, long siesta! Finally time to judge last week's contest.

Sure the Exopthalmos Support Group mainly wants to hear about the non-FDA approved experimental treatment I underwent. But I thought they might also be interested in the trip to Mexico -- some of them might want to make it a vacation like I did.

"Okay, we split up at the end of the hall. You find the judge for last week's contest, and I'll head off the Ghost Riders of Anti-Caption Contest #169 at the pass."

" 'Everybody's talking at me I don't hear a word they saying Only the echoes of my mind People stop and stare I can't see their faces Only the [bulging] of their eyes I'm going where the sun keeps shining Through the pouring rain Going where the .....' "

" 'Old times there are not forgotten,[nosey]! Look away, look away' !"

So you came to Mexico because the crisis.

"Mans, here's 14th, no 'quik pik' whiner ! Senor, whot's hop'ning cheer ? Them judge maybe you tink total stinking 'borracho' ?!"

"Hi. Is your anti-caption from last week being ignored? Then call the law office of Brooks and Shapiro. We'll get you the honorable mention you deserve--maybe more!" [OFF CAMERA VOICE] "And cut!"

"Que onda gringo? Vas al trabajo? Yo tambien."

"Decided to go with the double buckle I see. I'm a single buckle man myself."

"Ahm, just sayin', not havin' a winner for last weeks's anti-caption contest IS like gettin' spurs kicked in your teeth, it's like gettin' a BJ from a Chihuahua after dippin' your scrote in gravy, it's dickless!"

"K.A.T. Hey, that's spells cat.I like kitties."

You know, if it rains I have room for one more.

Sometimes I think I should grow out the stache to match the rest of my get-up but then I think if I had a Mexican stache they'll never accept me on Project Runway. Oh. My. God. Did you see last week when Jenny wore that awful afghan? Hey do you like peanut butter? I love peanut butter!"

Don' worry, señor, I no quiero steal your job. I only come from Mehico to, how you say, rape Lou Dobbs' family.

That's not how you spell "cat." Immigrants!

"I so love the new Castro. I got so tired of those nasty nipple clamps and that awful black leather.

Oh, I like your bag! Wherever did you get it!"

And then he said "There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend" - but hell, that was then...

(I know. Just done my research - should have read "I said")

"Ah, si, senor ! Mexico, loteria muy deshonesto, quizas fraudento, por le dir la verdad ! It thees ways, senor, pick-man,they reaches him hand maybe, whats, tree quatro eench no mas in him pile loteria choos him whiners ! Whats, muy mil hopes got heem,her no chanc'd...forhet eat ! O, si senor, how you say, 'loteria mexicana' 'bad news'....'feexed'?!"

"Hey, Steverino, mind if I catch up with you? I gotta stop into this Kate's Paperie and pick up something for the wife."

"What an odd question, Steve. Well, no, Halloween is not my favorite holiday. And, no, it's not Cinco de Mayo, either. Why, shit, that's not even a holiday for white people. No, my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving; I just love to celebrate the conquest and genocide of the Indians by smothering their memory in a kitsch re-enactment of their downfall. I'd look pretty stupid walking around dressed like a pilgrim, wouldn't I? But I don't really understand why you would think I would dress in honor of my favorite holiday. If you must know, I'm dressed like this because I'm president of the Tom Mix Junior Wrangler Adventure Club, asshole."

"I just had a thought. What if people's faith in themselves, their country, and the future is actually restored and repaired after 40 years? What happens to the seemingly permanent skepticism and cynicism of the creative class? Whither nihilism, Frank, whither nihilism?"

"Donde esta J. Press?"

"Is it OK for a Democrat to wear cowboy outfits after November?"

Oooh! Can we stop at the kat store?

"Two clasps on your briefcase? That's retarded."

"These boots were made for Christopher Walken."

"Ha ha ha... a 'Whack-o from Waco'! Ha ha ha... "

"Where I come from we spell it C-A-T!"

"At lunch... remember the 'A La Mode!"

No, Amigo... I want Poosie, POOSIE!!"

"I said, howdy, pardner. What do you got, shit in your ears?"

"I knew it! I knew interdimensional travel was possible! Where's my counterpart in this universe? Is he a bandito like me?"

"I tend to think that after the world has forgotten Jeff Jarvis, it will still remember Ron 'Pancho' Rosenbaum."

"Not to worry, the six-shooter is in the briefcase. But Daniel, how will I recognize this Bil Keane?"

wait, let me try this one again:

"...and so anything that possibly can happen DOES happen, in one of the trillions of alternate realities that spins into existence every second. Also, I'm gay."

"Why? It's simple: I like cows and I like boys."

"Tell me the truth: Is my nose too, you know, semetic for me to do the cowboy thing?

"We're finally here! Kate Beckinsale's Pussy!"

Kats. I've seen it like 4,000 times & did T.S.'s nails during the Depression and Vivienne on the side. Put that in your pipe and smoke it- Mr. Rum Tum Tugger! cause I've got my claws out. Got the fever-like Nugent, but couldn't send in my NRA donation cause I spent all the money on ammo.

We and our inexpicable even shadows...
And now to repeat what I said at the start!
They'll need a large crowbar to break us apart!

Mint explickable.

Anti-semanticism heading its ugly rear.

You keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burnt.
Ha! I just found me a brand new box of matches!Doom doont da dom-(descending double bass line echoes over ambiguously gray sidewalks)

That's new. Kathouse of Ennui? Shall we coax from doom’s blank door a lady or tiger?

Godsmack Colbert!-"The Ambiguously Gray Duo"

"You ever stop and wonder how awkward it would be if our balls touched?"

I've yearned for chin, and hoped for dewlap, but will just settle for my Vicente Fernandez good looks, my little Charro bean!

The sleep clinic in Guadalajara split my uvula to stop the snoring, I think it's a vulva now.

It's more than daydreams when you find a three-lock briefcase..

Epiphany! Clothes do make the man!

"Could you apply some stimulus to my package?"

"Looks, senor ! Un estupido how u say 'snub-nose bastard' ! Ahoy, usted snub-nose estupido, whats u tinking ?!"

"But who made us the way we are, huh? Men with briefcases. Men like Calvera, and men like you... and now me."

And then I said to Irving-I'm finally in Berlin!

"Though separated at birth, raised in two completely different cultures, we chose accent pieces of curiously similar striped bias and Marley Hodgson leather! Nature baby, not nurture..."

Penumbrally, we're twins!

Ever play shuffleboard with John Deere combines?

It's like dejavu in a somewhat Steven Wright fashion.

I believe we went to different schools together.

A horse, a horse-- my kingdom for a horse!

They were the offspring of a passionate night in the backseat of a 76 Cordova-thus the appreciation for fine Corinthian leather..

"I was an omphallic symbol at the Navel Academy..."

Vicente Versace...

Guess where I store the cattle prod?

The last stroll of the remaining siblings of Andy Kaufman.

"I get to say 'trick or treat' this time. I hope they have Snickers. Or Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Or Butterfingers. Or Nestle Crunch. Just not Almond Joy or Mounds - I hate coconut! Do you think they think I like coconut because I'm dressed up as a Mexican?"

[ A caption with a gay reference will fit this cartoon perfectly. It really would because the Mexicans boots are really gay. And what's more, there's not enough gay jokes in the world (at least that's what my gay friends tell me). So here I go! ]

"¿Dónde está el YMCA?"

"Pedro's Weather Report: Chili Today, Hot Tamale! South of the Border: 23 Miles."

(That's a real South of the Border billboard. There are others, too.)

We hedge fund managers recommend wearing disguises till we can unwind all our positions and then go unwind with the teacher's pension fund money somewhere near Cabo. You venture fund types in your suits don't know how to rape or pillage!

After looking out the window and seeing a pigeon, I came to the startling revelation that only one of us was now able to make a deposit on a new Lamborhini!

I've lost 7 inches since going on the Pedro Atkins diet but must lament-"A waist is terrible thing to mind."

I've missed my Woody after his stand up days, doing Diane Keaton will do that to a man, unless he has some hot Asian stepdaughter fantasy to fall back on.

Just a word of warning from a Sonoran Secret agent-The bold first letter of the quasi-medieval illuminated monk style will defeat even Hawaiians legendary cravings for more Spam. I heard this directly from a horde of Vikings at Kat's diner.

It's so nice to find an editor who's willing to publish "An Impractical Guide to Kats and Gaucho Footwear."

You use Evian skin cream, and sometimes you wear L'Air du Temps ...Care for a bite to eat at the Katz- Lector Deli?

"Amigo! Did you know that Katz's still has a sign that says 'Send a Salami to Your Boy in the Army'?"

I'm trying to advance this "citizen of the world" concept to Wall Street.

Wall Street to be renamed Sidewalk Street.

"It's neither a shawl, a scarf, nor a sash. It emanates mystery and an independent spirit, just like my sexual orientation. Give up? It's my bonus!"

Want to play rodeo? I bet I could stay on you for more than eight seconds...

It'll be sort of like a West Side Story, Cats, Oklahoma crazy blend-The Farmer and Cowpoke Can be More than Friends, When You're a Kat, I Feel Pretty after Hacking Hairballs.

I hope that's not a toup!

I'm just feeling a little out of step with the other partners in the firm. They don't understand my proclivity for Home Interiors parties. If I hear the term LIBOR one more time-I'll kill a giraffe.

You said "We're going over to East Houston. Dress appropriately"

I laid low on Ludlow, but came out on East Houston.

We've turned a corner in our relationship.

I'll have what he's having.

Would you like an in depth introduction to the etymology of the term "cowpoke"?

When I see my submission to the real NYer contest parodied as crap in anti-caption, I take Valium & Cialis, dress like the 3 Amigos and proposition bankers to overlook the ocean in unplumbed claw foot tubs.

"How did you know I was Mexican?"

"Do you want to make this really interesting by finding a jewish guy and then walking into a bar?"

"Ummmm.....Co-mo es-ta eeewwwwstead? Don-day es-ta el bon-yo?"

"No, Speedy's my cousin. And Slowpoke is quite frankly dead to me. I don't want to get into it because it's a long story that involves a lot of lime, salt, modelo, and my sister's honor."

"Do you want to see the inside of my serape? It's leopard, homes. It's leopard. I couldn't resist because I'm a walking stereotype, as are you, in your white businesman gear. In fact, I'm not sure if we're here at all. The confines of reality are merely a prison in which we have unconsciously placed ourselves."

"When I die I hope I come back as a blind salamander in the Amazon. That way I wouldn't be able to read, I would be really far away from New York, and I'd be slimey. Ever since I saw Ghostbusters, I always thought it would be so freakin' cool to be slimey."

"Shit! I forgot to flush."

"Rectal cancer ees good, no?"

"You do not belong here.
You are not Morg.
Who's in charge? I wish to speak to him.
Him? What is him?
What have you done with Spock's brain?
You are not Morg or Eymorg.
Brain, brain, what is brain?"

"Suck your dick for a peso? I've got the peso right here in this bag I just stole."


"So my doctor told me that dressing like a Desperado would even out that hanging testicle and I told him 'only if i can still use my briefcase'"

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