The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #166
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.
First place
(series of rapid blinks while thinking: "why does no one learn Morse code any more?") —Richard H
Second place
"Hold on. I can't get hard until Frankenstein pees on me and the Werewolf starts punching me in the face." —louis lewis
Third place
"You also like to put your hands up in the air when you're high? That's so awwwwweeesome!" —firebus
Honorable mention
"...and you know what, if Hirschfeld did draw this, the tape wrappings would be a great place to hide 'Nina'...You know, just sayin'...[FIVE SECOND PAUSE]...Boy this is fucking boring...[THREE SECOND PAUSE]... Do I talk too much? Because sometimes I think I do..." — al in la
"Okay, this time I'll be the diving bell and you be the butterfly." —Steve_O
"MMMPMPHHFH" *Dies of suffocation* —Milo
"John, must we re-enact your hospital stay in Viet Nam again?" "Shut up, Cindy, you cunt. Just do what I say." —JohnnyB
"Any recent thoughts on how this spoof of yours might possibly in any way relate to the present-day situation among Americans as they search for strong, new, and effective leadership ? Help me out here. Be damned if I haven't thought and 'beat my brains', to no use, my friends, uh, friend ! ....Look, you know, understanding economy, economies, was never exactly my strong point. ..i know that's not really 'eloquent'. ................Cindy ?" — Von Go
Female mummy:
"Hey, look at me, I'm getting banged hard by The Invisible Man."
Male mummy:
"You are SO NOT getting banged by The Invisible Man. There'd be a bump in the blankets. He may be invisible but he still has volume and density and mass."
Female mummy:
"Volume and density my ass, and what would you know about a bump in the blankets? Can't I at least pretend?"
Male mummy:
"You're right, I'm sorry.........hey, look at me, the Invisible Woman is riding me like I'm a very naughty pony!"
Female mummy:
"No way! Hey, is there even an Invisible Woman?"
Male mummy:
"I don't know."
Female mummy:
"Poor Invisible Man."
Male mummy:
"Yeah,..........hey, pretending is fun!"
Female mummy:
"I love you."
Male mummy:
"I love you."
Both:
"Good night."
THE END —djack
Comments
"Nice tuts."
Posted by: djack | October 20, 2008 9:55 AM
"The pyramids painting above us is oddly apropos, no?"
Posted by: Milo | October 20, 2008 10:00 AM
"Guud murning, Uedipus."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 20, 2008 10:04 AM
"Guud murning, Uedipus."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 20, 2008 10:07 AM
The safe word is "turnip."
Posted by: John | October 20, 2008 10:07 AM
"MMMPMPHHFH"
*Dies of suffocation*
Posted by: Milo | October 20, 2008 10:07 AM
"I am so hard right now."
Posted by: MAtt | October 20, 2008 10:18 AM
Damn your dyslexia! You signed us up for an episode of Dr."09102" instead of Dr."90210"!
Posted by: simsburybear | October 20, 2008 10:22 AM
"I told you 'When I go down, I go down in flames.' It's not my fault you assumed I wasn't being literal."
"That's the last time we ask Joerg Haider for a ride home...Well, I mean, and not just because he died."
"Mummy like John McCain. Mummy also seeking redress for ancient grievance. Mummy also die of skin cancer.Mummy also support insane tax on healthcare."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 20, 2008 10:23 AM
"Look, I'm Catholic, so I don't believe in contraception. On the other hand, if I impregnate you with an undead baby, that is like giving you an abortion. How do you feel about anal?"
Posted by: MAtt | October 20, 2008 10:25 AM
Looks like some pranksters toilet-papered us last night.
Posted by: Drew | October 20, 2008 10:27 AM
"Why don't we skip the parade this year?"
Posted by: Richard H | October 20, 2008 10:28 AM
Since this started happening to me when I got my crotch rewrapped, is there something you'd like to tell me about yourself?
Posted by: Charles | October 20, 2008 10:28 AM
"Sorry, I can't help undressing you with my eyes."
Posted by: Richard H | October 20, 2008 10:28 AM
"I knew I should have peed before getting dressed for bed."
Posted by: Richard H | October 20, 2008 10:29 AM
(series of rapid blinks while thinking: "why does no one learn Morse code any more?")
Posted by: Richard H | October 20, 2008 10:31 AM
"I'm sure glad we voted early this year!"
Posted by: Richard H | October 20, 2008 10:31 AM
"Let's get the band back together."
Posted by: J | October 20, 2008 10:34 AM
I had a dream that we were in Cairo, and you got lost in one of the tombs and--AGHHHHGHHHH!
Posted by: LK | October 20, 2008 10:36 AM
"Anyone who dares to enter the bedroom of our Upper East Side apartment will be cursed. MMMMMMMmmmmmm!"
"Ha! These third degree burns are painful."
Posted by: Deborah | October 20, 2008 10:38 AM
The Pharaoh said the Nile would flood next week, but the entrails of the goat I slaughtered gave me a different picture altogether. Remind me to ask the cat tomorrow morning.
Posted by: Drew | October 20, 2008 10:41 AM
Know what song I really like? Monster Mash. That song is really great not to mention funny.
Posted by: Drew | October 20, 2008 10:46 AM
I wish I could "Walk Like an Egyptian." Damn these stiff arms and damn The Bangles.
Posted by: Drew | October 20, 2008 10:58 AM
Curse those people next door and their loud music!
Posted by: pessimist | October 20, 2008 11:07 AM
Well, I'm flattered, but in as much as my penis is in that canopic jar on the bureau, we'll have to go the dildo route.
Posted by: pessimist | October 20, 2008 11:10 AM
"How did I get here? This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife! My god!...what have I done?"
Posted by: David B. | October 20, 2008 11:10 AM
"Me? I thought you had the handcuffs!"
Posted by: Thutie | October 20, 2008 11:13 AM
"Trust me, once you've tried Power Sit-ups, you'll never go back. Ready? And... up! C'mon, erghghghgghgh... man, this is really hard, huh?"
"Frankly, I'm a little nervous about those slits in the bedspread right near our genitals. What's up with that?"
"Frankly, I'm a little nervous knowing that our creator, Farley Katz, will also be judging the captions. What's up with that?"
Posted by: Vance | October 20, 2008 11:18 AM
“Exhaaaaaale........, exhaaaaaale. Exhaaaaaale........, exhaaaaaale.
Exhaaaaaale.........."
Posted by: dwilk | October 20, 2008 11:32 AM
"That's the last time we try to hook up a threesome on Craigslist."
Posted by: Francis | October 20, 2008 11:34 AM
"I think I just heard the archaeologist alarm. Call 911."
Posted by: Francis | October 20, 2008 11:36 AM
"You're right, these 800 thread count sheets really DO make a difference."
"I'd love to, but I'm all tied up right now."
Posted by: gary | October 20, 2008 11:37 AM
"Happy Halloween, everybody!"
Posted by: Galoux | October 20, 2008 11:38 AM
"I love how your carpet matches the drapes."
Posted by: Kosmicki | October 20, 2008 11:39 AM
"We really should come to a decision next time about who's going to be the bottom."
Posted by: Bou | October 20, 2008 11:40 AM
"Ankhesanamun, Ankhesanamun . . ."
Posted by: Bou | October 20, 2008 11:44 AM
"Sshh, quiet! They'll hear us hiding under the bed. Oh, boy, the owner of this house is gonna be so terrified when he sees the two corpses we put in his bed!"
Posted by: DanMc | October 20, 2008 11:46 AM
"Oh my God! I think I fucked my mummy last night!"
Posted by: Glenn | October 20, 2008 11:46 AM
"Y'know, Marilyn, I can't decide whether you're a trick or a treat."
Posted by: Bou | October 20, 2008 11:47 AM
"Who's your daddy- I mean mummy?"
Posted by: Kosmicki | October 20, 2008 11:48 AM
“Honey, we haven’t had sex in thousand years!”
Posted by: dwilk | October 20, 2008 12:25 PM
"...your mammaries, like fresh, unransacked funeral mounts at the Valley of the Kings, your eyes..."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 20, 2008 12:35 PM
"The pillows here are 'obsidian'.
Posted by: Sam L. | October 20, 2008 12:38 PM
"Fucking restless leg syndrome!"
Posted by: Ronnie the Fondler | October 20, 2008 12:54 PM
"John, must we re-enact your hospital stay in Viet Nam again?" "Shut up, Cindy, you cunt. Just do what I say."
Posted by: JohnnyB | October 20, 2008 12:55 PM
"You know, a system of ropes and pulleys would make this traction position a lot easier to hold."
Posted by: JohnnyB | October 20, 2008 12:57 PM
"This 'plane' is bound for glory, this 'plane'! This 'plane' don't carry no gamblers, this 'plane'! This 'plane' don't carry no gamblers, liars, thieves --no midnight-ramblers, this 'plane' !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 20, 2008 1:01 PM
"When I first met you, I knew we were 'bound' to end up in bed together. Get it? Get it?"
"When I first met you, I knew we were 'bound' to end up in bed together. Get it? Get it? Ho, ho, I slay me - figuratively - but you, literally"
Posted by: JohnnyB | October 20, 2008 1:02 PM
"Was it good for Shu?" *
* An obscure Egyptian god, making this caption slightly more accessible than the average New Yorker cartoon.
Posted by: mypalmike | October 20, 2008 1:03 PM
"I didn't know you were a famous wrapper."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 20, 2008 1:07 PM
You also like to put your hands up in the air when you're high? That's so awwwwweeesome!
Posted by: firebus | October 20, 2008 1:09 PM
"Freakin' 'Hizb al-Tahrir al-Islami' ! What say we spring for separate rooms ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 20, 2008 1:36 PM
I thought for sure he was a serial killer, but who would expected a serial rapist with a mummy fetish? I just hope that's embalming fluid.
Posted by: Tyler B. | October 20, 2008 1:43 PM
"That peeping tom just BOO'd us!"
Posted by: Kosmicki | October 20, 2008 1:45 PM
The Horus here is unseen.
Posted by: therblig | October 20, 2008 2:13 PM
Abou ben Adhem, may his tribe increase, awoke one night from sweet dreams of 'a piece' !
Posted by: Sam L. | October 20, 2008 2:19 PM
"If you'll scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | October 20, 2008 2:19 PM
" 'For 10,000 years I could not shake you I could not leave you by the path On the ground For someone else to find For 10,000 years I have carried you Perhaps more With this old spirit of mine Together we forge a road That is smoother for the others For 10,000 years you've [lain] dormant Only to reawaken when nearly lost Consciousness brings [Aten] And together we watch [Him]rise In 10,000 years I shall carry you more....'"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 20, 2008 3:13 PM
Raise your hands if you feel dead in the morning.
Posted by: Drew | October 20, 2008 3:26 PM
"Simon says wrap yourself like a mummy. Simon says extend your arms. Extend my penis."
Posted by: dwilk | October 20, 2008 3:29 PM
"We need to end this. The Crypt Keeper is a good man."
Posted by: David John | October 20, 2008 3:32 PM
-- 'Motel Se. ..er, Six' in the Pashtun Tribal Territory --
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 20, 2008 3:34 PM
That's where they pulled my brain out through my nose with a hook. How did you get that scar?
Posted by: URGH | October 20, 2008 3:49 PM
Martha Stewart's voice off camera: "When we come back, I'll show you how to make your own 'inflatable lovemate' out of paper mache."
Posted by: al in la | October 20, 2008 4:05 PM
Kudos to therblig for the Horus caption, even though it's much too funny to win.
Posted by: Rubrick | October 20, 2008 4:11 PM
I know it's stuffy as hell in here, but do YOU want to get up and crack the window?
Posted by: bunsen | October 20, 2008 4:11 PM
"You think they're still in the house?"
Posted by: David John | October 20, 2008 4:28 PM
"Who's your mummy?!"
"I LOVE Styx! The band... not the river!"
"Rah... Rah Siskoom Bah. I know, weird name... but, easy to remember at football games."
"Damnned Cairo-practor!"
Posted by: Johnny V | October 20, 2008 4:30 PM
"I told you: It gets monster traffic on YouPorn, that's why"
Posted by: mdoyle | October 20, 2008 5:11 PM
"... and one and two and three and four and raise your left leg now and one and two..."
Posted by: Anatoly | October 20, 2008 6:03 PM
" 'Nefer-titty', I presume ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 20, 2008 6:05 PM
-- Kama Sutra position as illustrated in The Egyptian Book of the Dead --
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 20, 2008 6:19 PM
"Damn, damn, damn, 'liza ! Why can't 'the anguish' learn to shriek ?!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 20, 2008 6:38 PM
The only thing more painful than these burns is the memory of our beloved child lost in that fire.
Posted by: Steve_O | October 20, 2008 6:52 PM
Okay, this time I'll be the diving bell and you be the butterfly.
Posted by: Steve_O | October 20, 2008 6:57 PM
"Must you copy everything I do?"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | October 20, 2008 7:07 PM
The pain from these 3rd degree burns is killing me. No, wait- what do they call them now? "Full thickness" burns. Ha ha, why can't I ever remember that? You must think I'm an idiot. Hello? Can you hear me? Oops- I forgot. You're dead.
Posted by: Mork | October 20, 2008 7:10 PM
"It's no use! No matter how many bandages I use, I can't soak up all the bloody pus from my syphilitic lesions. You too?"
Posted by: louis lewis | October 20, 2008 7:18 PM
"Remember a bunch of cartoons back when we wore haz-mat suits to bed? This is almost as fun."
Posted by: Dave | October 20, 2008 7:19 PM
"I think we're a little too wrapped up in this relationship."
Posted by: Dave | October 20, 2008 7:20 PM
"Mummy told me not to come."
Posted by: Dave | October 20, 2008 7:22 PM
"Okay... now what?"
Posted by: Rubrick | October 20, 2008 7:28 PM
I requested a tomb with a view.
Posted by: Steve_O | October 20, 2008 7:45 PM
--As proven by a photographic still from 'The English Patient', an early version of the plot had both Almasy and Katherine surviving their shoot-down in the desert, to recover first in Cairo before presumable 'medevac' to Southern Italy for further treatment.--
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 20, 2008 7:50 PM
"...and you know what, if Hirschfeld did draw this, the tape wrappings would be a great place to hide 'Nina'...You know, just sayin'...[FIVE SECOND PAUSE]...Boy this is fucking boring...[THREE SECOND PAUSE]... Do I talk too much? Because sometimes I think I do..."
Posted by: al in la | October 20, 2008 7:51 PM
Well, I guess "missionary" is out.
Posted by: Steve_O | October 20, 2008 7:53 PM
"Hold on. I can't get hard until Frankenstein pees on me and the Werewolf starts punching me in the face."
Posted by: louis lewis | October 20, 2008 8:51 PM
"And when the papier-mâché dries, we'll never have to lower our arms again."
Posted by: Dave | October 20, 2008 9:18 PM
In the few homes that remained standing, things were much the same. No pictures danced across the silent TV screens. Paint peeled, pipes burst from the cold, curtains faded in the summer sun. The dogs' food turned to dust in their bowls, uneaten, and the dogs' owners too gradually crumbled into nothingness, experiencing the ravages of time in whatever postures they had assumed in their last moments before the calamity, enduring this final indignity without complaint. None remained to fear, or to marvel, or to wonder why.
The age of man was at an end.
Posted by: Vlad | October 20, 2008 9:28 PM
"One technique for studying 'hypnagogia' is achieved informally through the subject's holding up one arm--so just mightn't BOTH arms be better, actually ?!-- as he, or she, 'slips off', so that immediate awakening is affected by their fall, with the supervention of sleep. ...Good girl ! That's getting it ! Jolly good ! Our 'sleep studies' are proceeding splendidly !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 20, 2008 9:37 PM
"Why do you mock my partial paralysis?"
Posted by: mort drucker | October 20, 2008 10:56 PM
"What do you mean, not tonight? It's daytime. And anyway, you can't have a headache, you're dead,"
Posted by: mort drucker | October 20, 2008 10:59 PM
'Thanks. You're pretty well preserved yourself."
Posted by: mort drucker | October 20, 2008 11:08 PM
'This is so kinky. And by that I mean the kink in my five thousand year old neck.'
Posted by: mort drucker | October 20, 2008 11:10 PM
"I hear IKEA has some great deals on tomb/sarcophagus decor. What do you say we shuffle over and check it out?"
Posted by: mort drucker | October 20, 2008 11:16 PM
"Who drew us? We're mummies, not zombies, what the fuck is up with our arms?!"
Posted by: Cpt. A Clown | October 21, 2008 2:11 AM
"Vlad": I thought of the same thing. That's weird. This is just a picture of mummies in a bed, not really that evocative of that scenario from Martian Chronicles.
Posted by: Morgan | October 21, 2008 2:27 AM
"HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS SEX?"
"OH DELIGHTFUL THANK YOU!"
"YOU'RE WELCOME!"
"I THINK LIFE IS AMAZING!"
"OH YES MARGARET QUITE!"
Posted by: Chang | October 21, 2008 2:33 AM
"Alright, an unfortunate quality, but not 'unfortunance'. I'm not going to lay here sweating out the last of my fluids, paralyzed and going quietly mad, and listen to you cry about the dumb shit 'unfortunance' of the situation."
Posted by: Herb | October 21, 2008 2:42 AM
Yoko Ono, musician, artist, and famous widow of former Beatle John Lennon, passed today at ten forty A.M. of complications arising from a long bout with diabetes mellitus. The body has been interned as willed in the Lennon family tomb and museum exhibit, resting close by her eternally beloved John, their bodies stiffly arranged in an eternal protest against all possible future wars. There was no public service. Ms. Ono was ninety-five.
Posted by: Charles | October 21, 2008 3:12 AM
"This is one foot, that's like a foot and a half. No I know you went to grade school. The ruler looked bigger then, everything did. I am not joyless, Frank. Come on, I like our new bed clothes. You're not an idiot, let's just sleep, the fabric is so soft, isn't it? Won't you feel it?"
Posted by: Why? | October 21, 2008 3:27 AM
"Who wins Head Touch? I win Head Touch. Who wins Head Touch? I still win Head Touch."
Posted by: UtahMotorcycle | October 21, 2008 3:34 AM
"Hang in there with me- if we attend just one more Blue Man show without cleaning up we'll get into Guinness."
"Next time we do a full-body mutual skin transplant we're going to a hospital."
Posted by: LV | October 21, 2008 8:07 AM
"Did you hear little Isis and Osiris practicing their horn parts for band last night? I swear they don't have one toot in common."
Posted by: LV | October 21, 2008 8:30 AM
"It's a good thing there are no black people here to see this!"
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | October 21, 2008 8:33 AM
"1400? Christ, she told me she was 1800!"
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | October 21, 2008 8:34 AM
You know that creepy way your arms float out free when you sleep in zero gravity? I'll never get used to that.
Posted by: Vlad | October 21, 2008 9:05 AM
-Token NEW YORKER third-world country cartoon figures begrudgingly designed to meet recent new stipulations of the 'World Brotherhood League'-
Posted by: Von Go | October 21, 2008 10:51 AM
"Why so stiff-- most' board, blond lover ? Pray thee, why so stiff ? Could, when looking 'loose' prefers, Looking board uplift ? Why in mulling doubt, young 'lovey' ? Pray thee, why in doubt ? Could, when twitting well won't move 'ee, Speaking 'nothings' rout ? ---- Wit...wit for 'dames', doth ill behoove ! This will not 'make' 'em ! If of themselves they will not soothe, Nothing 'll wake them ! 'SET' can rake 'em !"
Posted by: Von Go | October 21, 2008 12:17 PM
Could you shut off the lamp?
Posted by: Charles | October 21, 2008 12:44 PM
"Any recent thoughts on how this spoof of yours might possibly in any way relate to the present-day situation among Americans as they search for strong, new, and effective leadership ? Help me out here. Be damned if I haven't thought and 'beat my brains', to no use, my friends, uh, friend ! ....Look, you know, understanding economy, economies, was never exactly my strong point. ..i know that's not really 'eloquent'. ................Cindy ?"
Posted by: Von Go | October 21, 2008 1:30 PM
"Who would do this to us?"
Posted by: ben c | October 21, 2008 1:53 PM
"It would be a mistake to count you out. I remember when everyone said you were dead and buried during the primaries, but you came roaring back."
Posted by: M. Romney | October 21, 2008 3:41 PM
"I can't believe that THIS is what those peasants did with all that money in The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #165."
Posted by: Glenn | October 21, 2008 3:45 PM
"What th...?! No, no, no ! That's simply 'god-awful'! So, yes, silly intern, it's become urgent at this point to lead you alo.. ,er, that is, to bring you along 24/7 for your important and potentially career-making role in KUHFU'S ZOMBIES ! ..So, please to stare unblinkingly now at your scarab-ring while I count backwards from '666'! ...Six hundred sixty-six, six hundred sixty-sex, six hund..."
Posted by: Von Go | October 21, 2008 6:50 PM
Improvement at KUHFU'S ZOMBIES, above: It would have been 'better' to put 'to string you along' or 'to lead you on', not that either would have done me any good.
Posted by: Von Go | October 21, 2008 7:10 PM
"The dried semen on my bandages is beginning to stink."
Posted by: J.D. | October 21, 2008 8:08 PM
"Part of me finds the Egyptian version of 'Amos 'n' Andy' appallingly racist, and part of me laughs my ass off."
Posted by: J.D. | October 21, 2008 8:20 PM
"...So I told the genie I wanted to be in bed with you, flat on my back with a stiffy out to here!"
Posted by: Cpt. A Clown | October 21, 2008 9:30 PM
I'm not really enjoying this safe sex, are you?
Posted by: paul b. | October 21, 2008 11:32 PM
You don't own any goats, do you?
Posted by: Abby_Normal | October 22, 2008 2:12 AM
"Mmmf mmmfmm mmm mmmmfmm mmm, mmmf mmmm mmmmf!"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | October 22, 2008 2:31 AM
"Really? This will cure carpal tunnel syndrome?"
Posted by: dwilk | October 22, 2008 7:02 AM
".."let's be the first synchronized swim team in hot oil," my ass!"
Posted by: Greg | October 22, 2008 9:16 AM
I'm just saying, I've heard this waxing thing hurts, so maybe we should have done a test strip before doing the all-over thing.
Posted by: JR | October 22, 2008 10:05 AM
I told you, doing the "Thriller" dance isn't the same lying down.
Posted by: Sujit | October 22, 2008 10:40 AM
Wait. Wait.... You're a guy???
Posted by: JR | October 22, 2008 12:01 PM
"I'm firing the caregiver- can you reach into my pocket and get her # out?"
Posted by: Mike F. | October 22, 2008 12:05 PM
"This is gay. Do you guys have Pop-Tarts?"
"Water slides are so overrated."
Posted by: Mike F. | October 22, 2008 12:08 PM
"1)It is codeine, it is codeine permits 2)Its chemic duties earned me muscles new 3)'Choice of Mylan's' recovered me to 'skits' 4)What later charge from this 'sleep-walking' knits ? 5)What surgeon now might old resolve renew ? 6)It is codeine, it is codeine permits."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 22, 2008 12:26 PM
"Me ?! 'Hittite' on you ?! Well, I never ! ...When ? How ?!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 22, 2008 1:28 PM
"If only one of us could just get to that wheeled chariot in the corner...."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 22, 2008 1:49 PM
"The framed 'pen and ink' ? Why, that came down to me from my great-great-great-great-great-great-great uncle, Howard Carter. It goes back seven generations ! ....You see, we Carters were once rather more 'precocious'."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 22, 2008 2:21 PM
"Sleeping with your mummy does not count as incest."
Posted by: gray nixon | October 22, 2008 3:10 PM
"1)Much have we ravelled in these bands of old 2)Dead : maint godly state, or kingdom wept ! 3)'Bout maint clutt'red inland have we slept 4)Where ward, in fealty to Solon, polled !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 22, 2008 3:50 PM
"Wat, duh ambi'nce ? U ha'nt seen nuttin' ! Dere's some on us ended Viaga.. er, Niagara Fools. ....Yeah !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 22, 2008 4:42 PM
"Brad, Baby! I know you will be a great MOM!"!
Posted by: Eli B. | October 22, 2008 4:55 PM
Nefertiti, you crazy bastard! How are you?
Posted by: The Confidence Man | October 22, 2008 6:21 PM
I registered to vote with that ACORN guy outside the Piggly Wiggly.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | October 22, 2008 6:24 PM
"Some ''titi' I do not deny, Though others less weathered by far ! Yet, my case, I did mind it, For soul was confined it ! ('Tis all space in yon Canopic jar.)"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 22, 2008 6:28 PM
Damn ! Damn ! Damn ! Scratch that : "My ''titi' ever did jar ! Now others less weathered by far ! Yet, my case, I could mind it, For soul was confined it ! 'Tis 'your' space in yon Canopic jar !" (Not that this'll do me any good.)
Posted by: Sam L. | October 22, 2008 7:14 PM
Or how about ? -- "Some ''titi' I do not deny, Though others less weathered...awry ! Too, my 'case', I did mind it, 'Til mole misaligned it ! 'Tis wonder they haven't the 'jar' !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 22, 2008 8:29 PM
"My ' 'titi' ever was lore ! Behold me now weathered--O, poor ! And my 'case', could you find it, (As mole undermined it!), All plundered, all subject to bore !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 22, 2008 9:03 PM
I laughed out loud at "Let's get the band back together".
Good one "J" !!!
Posted by: Etheline Berenbaum | October 22, 2008 9:57 PM
"No ! No ! 'Nosferatu' mostly gapped his fingers. ..Hey, look ! Polanski's counting on us !"
Posted by: Von Go | October 22, 2008 9:57 PM
"No, I cannot tell a lie, that is actually not one of my 'sketches' at all. It is actually a very clever 'trompe l'oeil', my sweet-- belying my residence in The Penthouse, Sheapherd's Hotel, central Cairo-- overlooking, as you quite easily might have noted, the Plain of Giza, where immemorially enplaced to far right: The Great Pyramid of Kuhfu, next 'Kofre', then 'Menkaure'(abbr.) in the near ground. ...Ah, but I must have bored you, my dear ! I had so hoped my 'sketches' might amuse ! .. ..He! He! He! He! He ! Tee He ! Hi ho !"
Posted by: Von Go | October 22, 2008 11:12 PM
when do we put the cucumbers on?
Posted by: sarah | October 22, 2008 11:15 PM
Don't panic sweetie. The kids will be waking up soon and they will find us and unwrap us and we'll be able to breathe again.
Posted by: ECM | October 22, 2008 11:51 PM
"'Nefertiti' ? I will not deny. Hence, many less 'weathered'--awry ! In my 'case', I opined Til mole undermined -- Or perhaps 'twas work of a 'pry'."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 23, 2008 12:35 AM
Offroad adventure my ass! The only think you suck at worse than ATVing is my cock!
Posted by: quinton | October 23, 2008 12:40 AM
I'm so glad we hooked up on LeperLove.com. I mean the bad news is that my penis broke off into your vagina but the good news is that now I will be in you forever, or at least until your vagina rots off!
Posted by: Vajajay Smith | October 23, 2008 12:44 AM
Fuckin' job stealing immigrants!
Posted by: Torch Mai Johnson | October 23, 2008 12:46 AM
"Finally, Negroes in a New Yorker cartoon and they wrap us up in white bandages!"
Posted by: J.D. | October 23, 2008 12:59 AM
"Fucking Jew bastards!"
Posted by: J.D. | October 23, 2008 1:37 AM
"Uh, now I think, Gladys, did you ever notice how neat Egyptians used to write ? ..Yes, 'hieroglyphically', I mean ! Ancient ! So why, I ask myself, how come that dern kid of yours, 'Farley whatzis', how come your 'lil Farley's ' writing his dumb, illit'rate hen-scratch all 'bout my place here --that rug, example ! Yeah, lipstick ! Black lipstick !!...Chris'sake, woman ! I mean, get a handle !"
Posted by: Von Go | October 23, 2008 1:48 AM
"Even with splints I'm limp-wristed. But I'll never -- never -- wear a pink shirt."
Posted by: J.D. | October 23, 2008 2:07 AM
"Um, I guess that may still depend what your meaning of...'ISIS'. Not much give there. So, yeah, gosh ! Off hand I'd say it's probably taboo."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 23, 2008 12:20 PM
" 'Homo [erat], humani a me nil alienum puto'. Yet ZOMBYISM ?! ..Ye Gods !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 23, 2008 1:12 PM
"You know we coulda won a Grammy, buried in our Jammies. Me, I was born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia and live in a condo made of stone-a. Now pass me a Ramses, you Nut!
Posted by: LR | October 23, 2008 2:16 PM
"So tell me Miss Send-a-Text-Message-While-Putting-On-Makeup-and-Drinking-Coffee-While-Driving-Down-a-Narrow-Winding-Road-in-a-Rainstorm? What, if anything, did you learn from this experience?
Posted by: al in la | October 23, 2008 4:17 PM
"Remember before the accident, when you said we could do anal for my birthday? Well, today's . . . oh, never mind."
Posted by: David John | October 24, 2008 3:29 AM
"So where the FUCK is Lara Croft!?"
Posted by: dwilk | October 24, 2008 7:11 AM
Female mummy:
"Hey, look at me, I'm getting banged hard by The Invisible Man."
Male mummy:
"You are SO NOT getting banged by The Invisible Man. There'd be a bump in the blankets. He may be invisible but he still has volume and density and mass."
Female mummy:
"Volume and density my ass, and what would you know about a bump in the blankets? Can't I at least pretend?"
Male mummy:
"You're right, I'm sorry.........hey, look at me, the Invisible Woman is riding me like I'm a very naughty pony!"
Female mummy:
"No way! Hey, is there even an Invisible Woman?"
Male mummy:
"I don't know."
Female mummy:
"Poor Invisible Man."
Male mummy:
"Yeah,..........hey, pretending is fun!"
Female mummy:
"I love you."
Male mummy:
"I love you."
Both:
"Good night."
THE END
Posted by: djack | October 24, 2008 10:11 AM
"It's no use, honey. It's those nagging old rotator- cuff injuries continuing to limit my range of motion. ..Factor in 'little change in the weather'."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 24, 2008 10:43 AM
"Nuh uh ! I never said it was 'noncrypt'. I said it was nondescript : S-C-R-I-P-T ! ....We're still dead...oh, yeah !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 24, 2008 11:00 AM
"Fine, go on calling it 'cheating death', if you like ! I call it cheating your most regular customer ever--most regular after Farley Katz, anyhow, writing his damn name about like he owned you, or whatever....Dream on, Katz !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 24, 2008 11:22 AM
"Fine, O.K ! If you're gonna continue to charge me with Ruth, I'm gonna charge you with Ozymandias. Lil hanky-panky going on there, if I recall...."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 24, 2008 12:24 PM
"Easy. You see, according to the 'parallel universe' hypothesis of physicist Hugh Everett,III in... wait.........U - 3#%6!2 , every event that might occur in different ways, does SO happen--thereby triggering a split that generates multiple universes. ..O.K., so this is key. These multiple universes as a whole, mind you, contain every possible outcome, even universes such as our own odd new one here, apparently, which may penetrate into the fabric, if you will, of its 'sisters and brothers' to a certain extent...as in the present case. ..Look at it this way. On the whole, on many planets-or universes, if you like, the name 'Hugh Everett,III' will at times, in spots, evolve to become truly one to reckon with ! I mean, to make..wait...Shak...Eins...these are unclear, look like pikers."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 24, 2008 2:15 PM
(Mummy-rent boy to mummy-pimp): "See you later--I gotta go sarcophagi."
Posted by: Trout Almondine | October 24, 2008 2:48 PM
"Yes,yes,of course, it was too 'strange to inhabit the earth no longer, to no longer use skills one had barely time to acquire; not to observe roses and oth..' ; but where the hell do this get us, I want to know ?! Freakin' arm lifts ?! ...And as for that 'windbag' of yours, that... 'whozzis', Silki...Rilki, you know what you ca. ............ !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 24, 2008 4:27 PM
What do I have to look forward to? A life of hollow badinage with a hollow bandage . . .
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | October 24, 2008 6:02 PM
"You know what,honey,I look back with something akin to nostalgia on Sept. 8, 2008, like as though it were almost some 'purgatorial state' by compare ! ..I mean, things sure have gone to 'Old Pot' since then ! ....Well, I expect there's 'millions of us sinners--and whiners' pining after those days. Gee, Sept.8, 2008......."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 24, 2008 6:11 PM
"Right, so I expect someone'll be coming out with 'his Russian novel' any day now. ..Hey, you see how 'imaginative' we ourselves -- us, imagine !-- have become ! ..Look, and we're not even on the street....yet !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 24, 2008 6:39 PM
[Ronald Reagan to Nancy Reagan]
"Good night, Mummy."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | October 24, 2008 9:08 PM
"Since when do bedsheets only go up to my bellybutton? You can't even make a goddamn bed right, can you? Can you?"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | October 25, 2008 2:31 AM
"You're in denial."
Posted by: Dex | October 25, 2008 11:35 AM
Rise, Rise mummy penis!
Posted by: Ben | October 25, 2008 12:52 PM
"What th. ! ..I say ! ..Good old Thutmose, wisest and most loyal of viziers ! ..Right-o ! .. Hi ! ..Hoped he'd come through..not sure ! ..Grounded,'Old Thut' ! And Khufu, Kahfre....Menkaure--all my 'cestral 'swells' stuck up in crypts with alabaster servants..and, like,handmaidens..crummy gold-wheeled chariots, so forth ! ..Thutmose ! Good man, Thutmose...."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 25, 2008 2:10 PM
"pi=3.1415926535897 ... pi=3.14159265358979 ... pi=3.141592653589793 ... pi=3.14159.. Yeah, laugh, go on, snicker ! You don't see me coming down with Alzheimer's, do you ?! ...pi=3.1415926535897932 ...pi=3.14159.."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 25, 2008 3:44 PM
"This really sphinx."
Posted by: Anwar | October 25, 2008 3:55 PM
"Suspended in time and space for a moment, your introduction to Miss Janet Tyler, who lives in a very private world of darkness, a universe whose dimensions are the size, thickness, length of a swath of bandages that cover her face. In a moment we'll go back into this room, and also in a moment we'll look under those bandages, keeping in mind, of course, that we're not to be surprised by what we see, because this isn't just a hospital, and this patient 307 is not just a woman. This happens to be the Twilight Zone, and Miss Janet Tyler, with you, is about to enter it.
Twilight Zone! Eye of the Beholder! You didn't see it?"
Posted by: Rod | October 25, 2008 3:59 PM
"Yes, but ,you know, Rilke has written of irony : 'Do not let yourself be controlled by it, especially during uncreative times'. ..And these are really, really, really...really 'uncreative times'. ..THE most uncreative times !"
Posted by: Anonymous | October 25, 2008 4:25 PM
"I'm glad Egyptian hotels offer free refreshments and complimentary wraps, but this isn't what I was expecting."
Posted by: Robin | October 25, 2008 6:58 PM
"Gail, I know the economy's a little rough right now, but when you said 'Let's keep a closer eye on our money by wrapping it around our bodies, mummy-style' I didn't think you meant it so literally!"
Posted by: Anonymous | October 25, 2008 7:04 PM
"Gail, I know the economy's a little rough right now, but when you said 'Let's keep a closer eye on our money by wrapping it around our bodies, mummy-style' I didn't think you meant it so literally!"
Posted by: Robin | October 25, 2008 7:04 PM
"At least our triple-car-collision synched up with Halloween this year! No need to shop for couple's costumes!"
Posted by: Robin | October 25, 2008 7:18 PM
"Nevertheless,an interesting contest, an amusing diversion, you must admit! Let's see--you go with, 'If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him'; and I am going with, 'Isis is as Isis isn't'. ...Was that it ?"
Posted by: Anonymous | October 25, 2008 7:40 PM
"How can we possibly fit in a sarcophagus with our arms stretched out like this?"
Posted by: Richard | October 25, 2008 8:42 PM
"Great. We're not only undead. We were dead in a pretty creepy way."
Posted by: Anonymous | October 25, 2008 9:07 PM
"Pass the kleenex, dear."
Posted by: Ed | October 25, 2008 10:07 PM
"Hmm...apparently our arms really *are* too short to box with God, honey."
Posted by: Ed | October 25, 2008 10:18 PM
"Are you *sure* this will make our nails dry faster?"
Posted by: Ed | October 25, 2008 10:19 PM
"Don't look now, but some vandal carved their name on the floor."
Posted by: Anonymous | October 25, 2008 10:20 PM
"It is codeine, it is codeine permits. Its chemic duty warms my muscles through. 'Choice of Mylan's' enables me half-wits. --- What further charge from this sleep-waking knits ? What surg'ry now might worn resolve renew ? It is codeine, it is codeine equips. --- The protection slips, migraine's gradations flit; But, at th'drug's salutary bid, 'skidoo' , 'Choice of Mylan' restorative to wits ! --- How 'braced' I felt, beneath health plans' lids: Rich that 'Blue Cross', safely in hand, 'd endue. It is codeine, it is codeine permits."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 26, 2008 2:17 AM
ﺝ ﺵﻁﻚ ﺡ ﺝﮯ ☻☼╦♂♀?
Posted by: Ankhy | October 26, 2008 7:15 AM
"Y'know, honey, someday we'll look back on this and come up with a New Yorker caption."
Posted by: Galoux | October 26, 2008 9:58 AM
There's nothing like a good stretch when you first wake up, right?
Posted by: Mork | October 26, 2008 10:17 AM
"Oh crap--now he's lighting a match!"
"I say, dear heart, wouldn't you concur that clean toilet paper would be far more preferable under these circumstances?"
Posted by: David F | October 26, 2008 10:27 AM
"We oughta maybe be more realistic, you know. It might just be 'second-rate minds think alike'. ..And do we even have brains ?!"
Posted by: Anonymous | October 26, 2008 12:08 PM
"Feinds ! F-E-I-N-D-S ! 'Great [FEINDS] think alike' ! Sorry, honey, we're Zombies. ...Oh, yeah !"
Posted by: Anonymous | October 26, 2008 12:18 PM
"I would not have a girl quite sound; So that I patch her to my mood. I limn a comic head: some nose, And bridge of nose--though neither good....he!he!he!he!he!he!he!he!he!."
Posted by: Anonymous | October 26, 2008 1:02 PM
(Oops !) "I would not have a girl quite sound, So that I patch her to my mood. I limn a comic head: some eye, And bridge of nose--and neither 'good' ! ..He Ha ! He Ha ! He Ha !" (Well, you know, 'a poem is never finished, it is only abandoned'.)
Posted by: Anonymous | October 26, 2008 1:17 PM
--With apologies to 'Wallace Stevens' for the above--
Posted by: Anonymous | October 26, 2008 1:22 PM
"Don't be such a stiff. They'll know it's you."
"Could you scratch my butt?"
"While you're up, could you get the Vaseline?"
"While they're very convincing costumes, they don't allow the freedom of movement that my lifestyle requires."
Posted by: Mike F. | October 26, 2008 1:47 PM
--I'm gonna have to get me THAT keyboard - you know the one ! (Nabil Farouk)--
Posted by: Anonymous | October 26, 2008 5:38 PM
"The concierge tells me many politicians come to the Cairo Marriott to rest up for their next shot...So try and get some sleep, Hil."
Posted by: al in la | October 26, 2008 6:38 PM
"You put your left arm in,
You put your left arm out;
You put your left arm in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!"
Posted by: Glenn W | October 26, 2008 8:15 PM
"We have simulated exactly how restricted John McCain's arm movement is. I understand perfectly now his rage and post-traumatic stress. Poor man. Don't you agree?"
Posted by: J.D. | October 26, 2008 10:56 PM
"Well, old rhymes with mold and lots of other things, but pilates rhymes with nothing. Our wrap career is in ruins."
Posted by: Kosmicki | October 27, 2008 2:55 AM
"Piss poor drawing. Must be giving Mankoff some world class head."
Posted by: Anonymous | October 27, 2008 5:31 AM