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October 13, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #165

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.

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First place
"It's too expensive to dump boiling oil on rioters these days, so we had to switch to these counterfeit bills covered in poison. This actually works better, because they don't drop dead until they're back home, so we don't even have to clean up the bodies." —Jesse

Second place
"Odo, these 'paper currency magnets' you've invented are brilliant! Look at those silly peasants, flailing their arms around in a vain attempt to stop the upward progress of their hard-earned banknotes!" —kejo

Third place
"It's like I always say, Roderick...
1. Immobilize the king in giant Santa suit
2. Dump entire treasury onto populace
3. ????
4. Profit!" —Vance

Honorable mention
"Wait until they find out it's only American money." —Richard

"For years, we've had excess population but no reason for the peasants to murder each other! Once the half of the kingdom to whom we have gifted only rusty old kitchen knives hears of this, simple jealousy will solve all of our problems." —Harris

"Just keep it pouring until black people show up."—mypalmike


"I don't know what they're so excited about -- these slips of paper are worthless. Banknotes won't be introduced in Europe for several hundred years."—John Tabin

"Call me a conspiracy theorist or whatever you will, but the king is definitely two midgets in an overcoat! Think about it; when has he EVER taken the coat off in front of you? Also, I could have sworn I heard the lower half of his body sneeze once during a speech. All I'm saying is; keep your eyes open man." —Milo

"I hope the king doesn't catch us giving away all of this mon- OH MY GOD HE'S RIGHT BEHIND US!" —ECM

"I'm just disturbed at how close they are to the edge of the balcony. How high is that pile of people they've trampled to death, anyway?" —Francis

"Man, people sure love money." —Steve_O


Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

Senator McCain is now wiling to try anything.

Told you so...shredded tube socks with a cartoon face of the king scrawled on them are money if we *SAY* they are money...

"Are they gonna be pissed when they see that Shecky Greene's face is on the money."

"I suppose technically this fulfills his campaign promise to 'make it rain,' but I don't see how this will help with the drought. Unless of course, the people use this money to build an advanced irrigation system to water their crops."

"You're right. They do look stimulated."

I told you those shiny '100 Grand' candy wrappers would come in handy one day.

"When we switched to the Euro I recommended we shred the old currency. Then we saw how much that would cost, so we decided to just dump it out the window. If only we'd known how popular it would be among collectors we could have sold it off and used that money to balance the budget. Live and learn."

You gotta give it to Paulson, the Bailout/Halloween Costume Party makes for one hell of a photo op.

"It's too expensive to dump boiling oil on rioters these days, so we had to switch to these counterfeit bills covered in poison. This actually works better, because they don't drop dead until they're back home, so we don't even have to clean up the bodies."

[Ben Bernanke, on left, speaking to Henry Paulson.] "You're right. This will definitely loosen interbank overnight lending and ease the credit crunch caused by the inability for banks to determine the value of bundled collateralized debt obligations."

Odo, these "paper currency magnets" you've invented are brilliant! Look at those silly peasants, flailing their arms around in a vain attempt to stop the upward progress of their hard-earned banknotes!

"Uh-oh. Don't look now, but guess who just woke up a little early from his afternoon nap."

"Waiiiiit a second... now that I think of it, I might have been holding that flow chart upside down."

"It's like I always say, Roderick...
1. Immobilize the king in giant Santa suit
2. Dump entire treasury onto populace
3. ????
4. Profit!"

"It took three days to set all those mousetraps, and the joy in hearing them go off all at once is so brief."

"New ways, 'Vizier Fiorino' ! You better believe 'Old Kain' is adequately hedged in a short position--'Queen Cindiella(he! he!) knowing currencies like that."

"Just keep it pouring until black people show up."

"We ran out of cake."

"You thought boiled lobster was fun, watch this burning oil. ...Step back, Vlad."

When they look appeased, you can tell them we discontinued the frequent flier program.

I told you we'd make those bushel tax cuts permanent.

“We’ll get it all back next week during their performance reviews.”

"I don't know what they're so excited about -- these slips of paper are worthless. Banknotes won't be introduced in Europe for several hundred years."

"We avoid workers' comp and withholding by paying them over the wall."

"Well, so much for the latest jester, Chancellor. He offered King Kain a penny for his thoughts."

"Poor schmucks can't even afford toilet paper. Come on, let's go to the St. Regis."

"I love the pagentry of Dividend Day!"

"Psst. Dude. You see that chick down there? The one slightly to the left of the middle? I totally had her last night."

"Call me a conspiracy theorist or whatever you will, but the king is definitely two midgets in an overcoat! Think about it; when has he EVER taken the coat off in front of you? Also, I could have sworn I heard the lower half of his body sneeze once during a speech. All I'm saying is; keep your eyes open man."

“Paper money that dissolves in 15 minutes. Genius.”

"Isn't this socialist America great, fellow comrade? Why, now that Barack Obama's president, the poor don't have to work! They just receive free money from the pockets of the rich! They are truly the slaves my friend! Let's go buy more caviar and champagne from taxpayer dollars! Wua-hahahahahahaha!!!!!!"

*Cut to John McCain*
"I'm John McCain, and I approve this message."

I told you this would happen if we made the Black Knight our King.

"Where'd you get that feather? I'd like to have a feather in my hat."

"His dad called it voodoo economics. His Uncle Ronnie said it would trickle down. Then Dick Rasputin told him deficits don't matter. Now King George has now gone completely mad and started listening to Cardinal Paulson. Still, as long as you and I keep our yachts and those big estates in Greenwich, who gives a shit?"

"...this IS our April Fool's day prank! There are dead babies at the bottom of each bowl! I can't believe nobody told you! This is going to get SO many views on youtube!"

Let's put our money on the peasants, at least they're a renewable resource!

"Fuckin' New Orleans Mardi Gras, man ! You'd think it was 'road home' money !"

"The dollars here are obscene."

"Man, look at all them fundamentals!"

"Hubba hubba hubba money money money. Who do you trust? Me! I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? He's at home, washing his tights!"

"Bit of the old 'To each according to our facility, from each according to our need', Chancellor ?"

"I hope the vats of oil start boiling before they realize these are Zimbabwean dollars."

"They say two thousand zero, zero, party over,
Oops, out of time!
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 999!"

"Expect a rough night at ye olde whorehouse."

"Fuckin' King Kain, man ! You hear that ?! -- 'I'll get you anything, my friends, if it makes you feel all right, 'Cause I don't care too much for money For money can't buy me love !' ..I mean, there's got to be some angle, right?"

"Did you just mutter 'release the hounds?' Because if you did, I'm totally down with that. Ok, if you're serious tap your left hand against your coat. That's your right...are you dyslexic? Do you need more time to think? Do we even have any hounds?"

"King Bat Shit Crazy has apparently been watching Oprah."

"Foolish peasants. This stipend will hardly provide adequate coverage."

"Good news, Monsieur, The Minister of Interior Security ! The train of opiate approaches !"

They will bring it back as soon as they realize that it can't buy happiness.

"Merry Christmas... What? It's NOT christmas?!?? That isn't Santa? Then, what the fuck are we doing this for?!"

"The 2 missing baskets are in my wagon. Keep it quiet and I'll share!"

"Yes, Cole is a merry ol' king... except for the freaking fiddlers 3 he is a real hoot. He regularly enjoys the pipes and bowls! And sometimes after the pipes and bowls he does weird shit like this!"

When it comes to calming riotous crowds, we've found that lottery tickets are more effective and cheaper than hot oil.

"I say the peasants are STILL revolting!"

"There go da bling!"

Shit, the king is here. Double-check that all the money has been urinated on.

"An ear, Horatio ! -- 'With latitude doth 'Dub-ba-ya' A stately treasure-dome deceive; Hence, Skalp, a arid riv'let weaved, Through patterns measureless by sum, Down to a roomy slough !' ...Til the third crow of the cock, then ?"

Weekend, where are you???

"....those new huge vacuums work wonderfully!"

"Did her. Did her. Didn't do her. Will do her tonight. Did her sister. Did him - uh - her."

"I was gonna buy a Porsche! Santa is such an asshole."

"They don't seem to realize that the king wipes his ass with these."

"And you thought Canute was 'bonkers', Monsieur, Le Ambassadeur ?!"

"Toss a dollar, land it in the basket, and you win your choice of any prize from the bottom row . . . egad, it's brilliant, Chancellor Carny!"

"Excellent, Prince Vassily ! Moscow Does Not Believe In Tears."

Good King Thomas once again relies upon bribery to clear the way for his cumbersome Wheeled Castle.

"Quite remarkable, men! My kingly Promise to submit to most horrible Tortures an infant Seal for each Bill unrecovered from the Dust and Earth does seemingly nothing to dissuade them. I must write of my Findings to friend Denmark, and therefrom ask a Repetition of this Experiment and prompt Notice of its Result." --Albinus III, Scientist-King

"This bailout plan is foolproof."

"You know what's interesting? Each bill falls at a rate of 9.81 meters per second per second. Plus they're laced with Anthrax."

"For years, we've had excess population but no reason for the peasants to murder each other! Once the half of the kingdom to whom we have gifted only rusty old kitchen knives hears of this, simple jealousy will solve all of our problems."

"What a ranc'rous grab we weave when first we practice to alleive !"

"The relief was very sorely needed, Good Chancellor. In all candor, our peasantry's garment hath lately become all wretched and ill-stitched. For your particular note, I had observed two beggars upon the left, arrears ! ..Methought some costive snake accost them , so gaped' were their jerkins!"

"'Twas most foul slander thou hast said, sirrah... inasmuch as that my good monarch yon must appear to thee in no wise as such-- that 'King Tut-Tut'! ...Forfend !"

'Look upon their folly young Ghengis. The King's wealth will soon be in the hands of our silk and spice merchants. And then all that he has shall be ours. His castle, his sceptre, his crown, his subjects. Of course, he will still get his parachute."

"i'm afraid the whole Reality Show thing has warped his sense of fiscal responsibilty."

"Now their Monopoly games will never end. Ha ha ha ha!"

In local news today the manager of Medieval Times was found dead today from an apparent suicide. His co-workers claimed he had been acting strangely recently.

"Wait until they find out it's only American money."

"I'm just disturbed at how close they are to the edge of the balcony. How high is that pile of people they've trampled to death, anyway?"

"And then, once they all have paper cuts, they'll no longer be interested in storming the castle."

"It is not meet to bribe the peasants so,
And thus deplete our coffers quite o'ermuch.
How shall the kingdom's tasks be carried out?
Shall generals tell their soldiers, feed thyself?
For an we fall, the people likewise fall,
Laid ope to rapine from the barb'rous Hun.
But soft -- the king approaches. Feign a smile,
For this vain plan he deems a brilliant scheme,
And will not brook dissent. What ho, my liege!"

"Are you sure your numbers are right? I don't see how this will lower our deficit."

"Tee hee! This is what makes it so delightful when we start in on those ones in the middle, with the red-hot coals."

"I don't know, wouldn't killing them be a lot more sanitary?"

"Call me a killjoy but what's wrong with direct deposit?"

"Because I think it's just another giveaway that benefits those with giant, sticky hands at the expense of everybody else, that's why."

"What do you call a peasant wench with no severe maxilo-facial deformities or blemishes? Asking for it."

"I dunno... I can totally see his clothes and frankly, they're gorgeous."

"Hear ye, hear ye! The official food of the kingdom shall henceforth be solely 'The Whopper'. These vouchers shall entitle thee to buy one, get one free!*
*(muttering rapidly) Not valid with any other offer. One voucher per person per visit. Cash value 1/100th of a pence. Void for witches, plague victims and their families."

"Good thing there are no black people here to see this!"

"Well, that's that. We hanged Robin Hood and Little John about five minutes, and not a single peasant objected. You're a genius, Sheriff."

"Trust me, if they're stupid enough to come to Burger King in the first place, they'll fall for the zero-dollar bills."

This should keep their mind of the revolt long enough for the king's knights to suit up and slaughter them.

"I call it 'taxation.' See? They throw their money at us, and we catch it. Then, we use their money to buy the boiling oil we need to scald their pathetic asses..."

"Hard to believe, isn't it? All this money to throw around, and yet our castle is still made of sugar cubes."

"Hear ye and know well that this day is given unto us the labour of laundry...you guys run down the corner and get us quarters, okay?"

"Ahh, recent correction from HRH's number cruncher--you need to run down there and get .87 cents change back from each dollar. Good man!"

"Best go chock the wheels...King's rolling to the left."

"Arby's Coupon Day is a stop-gap measure at best."

"The base ingratitude I'm accustomed to but when they wipe their grubby peasant hands on the Royal Towel it reeeaaly honks my knob."

Maybe if we give em' the confetti they'll forget we screw them on a daily basis.

"They're expecting four to six inches by nightfall."

"Seriously, we need to re-design this fucking drive thru. What a piss poor way to make change."

"After the lunchmeat is given, rain down with kraft cheese, lettuce leaves, and squirt the mayo."

"So when do we tell them we've switched to a urine-based economy?"

"So far so good. Now as long as some smartass kid doesn't shout out 'The Emperor has no hands!' we should be okay."

"It may solve the toilet paper shortage-- but what happens when they all get paper cuts and learn we're out of ointment?"

"For some reason, 'free bandaid Wednesdays' is always a huge crowd-pleaser here at Sir Galahad's Medieval-Themed Restaurant."

"Fuckin' Croesus, man ! Some theory he can bring the heights of us Lydians way up within two generations, and by that means deter Cyrus' advance across Asia Minor with resort to a more stalwart and effective soldiery ! ...I mean, as if height and corporeal mass were not the issue of divine, ineluctable predestination !"

Yeah, I used to hand them out on Pilgrim’s Road, for Komedy Kingdom. “A free comedy party for you and 10 of your friends.” But even a one-in-100 response rate makes it worth it. Either they haven’t read the fine print – two drink minimum, excludes Friday and Saturday – or they’re stupid enough to think it’s some kind of deal.

"Nice basket."

"It helps us group them in one spot before we release the lions."

"Funny how the defenestrations always draw a bigger crowd."

"Medieval Europe is STANK yo."

"...those fools...it says "35 Cents Off Shake N' Bake!"

"I remember the day when our Lordship would throw himself over this very wall into the loving hands of the mosh pit. And I recall how they would pass him with great reverance, one unto the other, for hours. Alas, now fealty must be bought! And though these bills be scented with the royal piss,they are but bills, nonetheless."

"You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship; a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes..."

"Oh, there you go bringing class into it again."

"...and another cool thing about Vac-U-Tax is that still photos make it look like we're giving them money."

"I'm gonna kill whomever told the king we took a vow of poverty."

"How you gonna keep them down on the fief after they've seen money ?"

"Fuck N.A.F.T.A., Holborn ! 'No society can surely be flourishing and happy, of which the far greater part of the members are poor and miserable'-- Adam Smith."

"Idiots! There's a ton of bills on the ground, and they act like baby birds with their beaks open, waiting for their mommy to feed them."

"They're scratch-and-sniff bills, scented with the Queen's anal emissions."

"I still say that 'two burnings for the price of one stake' coupons aren't going to help the Inquisition along."
--
"This scene is so anachronistic, yet so delightfully topical."
--
"Maybe we should just have built a moat instead."
--
"We're still on a barter economy. Best April Fool's ever!"
--
"Come on. That guard on the end could be Hitler's twin brother. You really don't see it?"

"I grant you, sire, but I would yet have you consider that 'by a continuing process of inflation, governments can confiscate, secretly and unobserved, an important part of the wealth of their citizens'. That is the keynes ..er, key !"

"A penny for your thoughts!"

"I wish video games were invented. I'd SO play one right now!"

"Does this sack-cloth make me look fat?"

"Cincinattus, I have a joke. Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Owen!"
"Owen, who?"
"Owen 6 last I heard!! Hahahaha...Oh yeah, football's not been invented yet, either! But, in the fall of 2008 this will be a funny joke!"

"Pssst... Look busy. YOU-KNOW-WHO is at the door!"

"We are 'flouted by the focus on our victims'."

If we have to do this as a distraction every time the king farts, it's gonna get expensive!

"John, The Good's castle-keep (har ! har! har !), I presume. ....Fuckin' government !"

"Machiavelli, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you going to conceal that you're bribing them to revolt?"

"His crown, beard and faux fur robe trim are all clip-ons."

"You know how we both suffer from those nasty hemorrhoids? Well, I just got the fiercest treatment- leeches! In fact, the one I have on is getting a bit cheeky."

" H'sblud ! Bit of the old 'demand-side' now, Exchequer .......(you freakin' fool)."

"Frigin' Wenceslas, man ! I mean , he misinterpreted one of my most totally lapidary ever observations from The Crusades to be, 'The Poor are the Wealth of the State'. Did you ever ?! So ,hey, if 'The Surge' hadn't kicked in like it did, we'd still be in frigin' Mesopotamia today ! ..We're talking major insurrection in our own by-ways, what ?!"

"Look, for the last time, I was NOT trying to ogle your man-breasts, you paranoid freak!"

"Did you ever realize that ATM is right in the middle of Mah-ATM-a Gandhi's name?"

Hmm, wonder how this speech will go? "Yes, I stand before you today as King Joseph. But once I stood among you, as Joe the Plumber . . ."

"Fear not, Sir Gwayne ! Yet under most perseverent and diligent urging of this goodly king, that time thou hast been abroad, hath the greater nobility at last acceded to 'an plainly Christian patriotic duty' before our indigent rabble. ..Yet , whenas touching thy own paltry 150 annual lands, this does none, rejoice....be happy !"

"With the Mongol horde in town for the weekend, the king wants to make sure there are enough blowjobs for everyone."

"Whoa, wait, what the hell is going on? Stop! I told you to dump horse shit on those fucking peasants, not MONEY you idiots"

"And if that doesn't make them happy, they can suck my long, thick, regal cock."

"Save a little for dinner. I want to finally try that chipotle BBQ chicken snack wrap from McDonald's I keep hearing so much about."

Man, people sure love money.

The King should really figure out a more discreet way to pay off his gay lovers.

I had no idea that His Majesty was a Keynesian.

"....I liked it better when the old King hired strippers to pass out the cash"

".....yeah, but how else can you give away money?...government checks,
tax credits, salaries to Chicago Cubs baseball players?..."

I said, "Give it to the bankers, not the wankers!"

He'll do anything to avoid giving it to his ex.

Is that a feather you stuck in your cap? Sweet!

"Heating oil costs too much."

"I don't think paper currency has been invented yet. Not really. At least not in the sense of what's happening here in this scene. Not a good source, I know, but I saw an episode of some History Channel bit on the Templars and they were doing something like bank notes during the crusades. Oh, what is the fucking point anyway? We're living in a feudal state. It's not like we have an inter-bank market to fix."

"Good eye, Sir Hawksfeather ! Though that what this may signify remains in cloud, unremarked 'til now by thee, my liege, 'tis plain yon 'bowl-pate' peasant reserves his arms in surly pendulousness, in ill-seeming attitude toward our ritual. ....HEY YOU, FELLOW ! ..YEAH, YOU, THE 'BOWL-PATE' !"

"The King's a fool, teaching the Queen a lesson by dumping the money they paid to partake of her Royal muff. Guess what they're going to do with it. Duh."

"I believe his Highness is about to demonstrate what he really meant by 'golden shower.'"

"Next year, we're shooting all trick-or-treaters with arrows."

"Hey, King, I don't think these subprime loans are a good idea."

When the treasury was filled with gold bars this was a lot more fun.

"I tell thee truly, my lord, the timing's out of joint--for is it not so, as von Ebner-Eschenbach hath writ, 'Generosity, to be perfect, should always be accompanied by a dash of humor'. ..With respect, my liege, whilst King Steven's notable for 's bounty....."

"If you think this is an analogy for government giveaways, try this one: Tina Fey is to Sarah Palin as Charlie Chaplin is to Adolf Hitler. Whaddaya think? Does the proverbial shoe fit?"

"It's actually quite brilliant: they fight over the money until they've killed each other off, and then we repeat the process again, and this keeps going until we've filtered out all the fools. That leaves the top .1%, which is us. It's a bit tedious really, but it's fool proof. Well...you know what I mean."

I hope the king doesn't catch us giving away all of this mon- OH MY GOD HE'S RIGHT BEHIND US!

"Even if we DO get with lobbyists for the next thousand years, it's still easier than killing that fucking dragon."

sorry for typo in the entry above. Meant to write:

"Even if we DO get stuck with lobbyists for the next thousand years, it's still easier than killing that fucking dragon."

"The king is a fink!"

"Have you ever noticed that if you push the king's chest, he rocks back and forth like a boxing dummy? . . . Just sayin' . . ."

Now show me yer tits down there!

"Please don't call me an 'extra.' I much prefer 'backgroung actor.'...But either way, under SAG rules, I'm not even allowed an honorable mention in this contest--if they ever do get around to announcing the winners."

"He's a firm believer in the trickle down theory of economics."

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