The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #164
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.
First place
"Leave if you must, but I won't be responsible for the safety of your tin can collection." —Mark
Second place
"But Margaret, think of the kids! The ones all these goats ate." —J
Third place
"Yeah? Well at least THE GOATS didn't eat a whole fucking quart of Haagen Dazs, you fat cunt." —Trotman
Honorable mention
A "normal" American atheist home —Benj
"...But I didn't fuck ALL the goats!" —Cpt. A. Clown
"Hey, what's in the bag? Let me guess ... your hopes and dreams chewed up and soiled by my depravity and existential incompetence? I bet you thought I was gonna say 'a goat', huh?" —Jimby
"Yes, they all laughed at me at the Academy. They said a goat would never be 'successfully' cloned. And when I cloned the goat, they said it would never be housebroken. All right, so one out of two. But the important thing is... HEY-where are you going? My goat anecdote is not done! And what's in that bag? Dear Lord, my secret goat cloning papers! Gertie, Gus, Giselle, Gustave, Guillarme, Gladys, Galway, Portnoy... STOP her!" —Mort drucker
"Hey, can you pick up another goat while you're out?" —John Tabin
"Fine, you were right. Mothballs get rid of moths but goat balls don't do jack shit about goats." —Max
"Awwww. You're leaving before I got a chance to explain why i have all these goats! My logic will be interesting, thoughtful and well argued." —Charles
"What? Bush isn't running for a third term? What the hell am I going to do with all these pet goats? Maybe Obama will want them. Muslims eat goats, right?" —therblig
[Plumber, walking out door, speaking...] "I've got to go out to my van to get a bigger auger. The goat shit in your upstairs toilet is backed up for 20 feet." —mypalmike
"Trust me, you'll eventually get used to the smell. I was talking to the goats!" —Roger Kaputnik
"I know bein' new it's kinda hard to stand, Miss, but there's more goats than this outside, and kinda the point of Purgatory is to learn to accept, I'm told. So just stay put like me and you'll be on to your eternal reward in not too much time I hope, unless you can't stop fuckin' 'em neither."
(This cartoon illustrates the fact that Purgatory is simply a place where you are challenged to tolerate huge numbers of goats, and also to avoid the temptation of attempting sexual conquest of your soft, trusting co-inhabitants in the plane of absolute judgment. While the majority of mildly sinful souls arrive in this realm of limbo after death and are glad to find themselves unlicked by flame and Satan, nearly all of them fail to realize the possibly of progression to heaven.) —Barth
Comments
“What? It’s just sex.”
“Um, can you please get some more goat traps while you’re out?”
“In retrospect, a goldfish might have made more sense.”
“I bought the goats to catch the dogs. I bought the dogs to catch the cats. I bought the cats to catch the birds. I bought the birds to catch the spiders. Wait, where are you going?”
Posted by: Deborah | October 6, 2008 10:15 AM
So you're dumpin' me? Why, what d'I do?
Posted by: simsburybear | October 6, 2008 10:25 AM
Real Caption (to get it over with): "But I thought you wanted kids."
Posted by: Richard | October 6, 2008 10:26 AM
"Of course I sprayed. You don't see any ibexes, do you?"
"If you're going to be hypersensitive, maybe you shouldn't wear overalls."
"Leave if you must, but I won't be responsible for the safety of your tin can collection."
Posted by: Mark | October 6, 2008 10:31 AM
"But Margaret, think of the kids! The ones all these goats ate."
Posted by: J | October 6, 2008 10:33 AM
"But Mary! Our baby will need a father!"
Posted by: gary | October 6, 2008 10:38 AM
"Hey, close the door! We don't live in a barn!"
"If you can stop by the library on the way home, will you check and see if these things have any natural predators?"
Posted by: gary | October 6, 2008 10:41 AM
-Hey, what's in the bag? Let me guess ... your hopes and dreams chewed up and soiled by my depravity and existential incompetence? I bet you thought I was gonna say 'a goat', huh?
-"Go fuck ewe-r self!" Heh-heh, good one, Mr. Rammy.
-I'm haunted by the feces of my victims.
-Bye. Have fun at softball practice. Don't forget your lunch.
- Sorry for the confusion, it's not a tupperware party, its a tupp-a-wear party. That's where the goats mount you while you still have your underwear on.
Posted by: Jimby | October 6, 2008 10:47 AM
I guess I finally got yours.
Posted by: therblig | October 6, 2008 10:50 AM
I was joking. The Rolling Stones aren't really coming for dinner.
Posted by: therblig | October 6, 2008 10:51 AM
"Please don't be so angry -- I'm sorry my ad was unclear. I'm sure you'll find a position as a nanny very soon."
Posted by: Francis | October 6, 2008 11:01 AM
"We have goats the way most people have mice."
Posted by: Vance | October 6, 2008 11:02 AM
"And cheese. Don't forget the cheese."
Posted by: Richard H | October 6, 2008 11:03 AM
"I just can't help it, they're so nice and soft. Soft, soft, soft - just like everything here in pencil-drawn world. Aahhhhh. Soft."
Posted by: Vance | October 6, 2008 11:05 AM
Ewe'll be baaaaaack . . .
Posted by: Dick Obvious | October 6, 2008 11:06 AM
"Was it the goatee?"
Posted by: Richard H | October 6, 2008 11:07 AM
"Say, honey, do you hear a soft 'me-eh-ehhh-ing' sound? And, do you smell a kind of, um, barnyard odor? I may be blind, but I am pretty sure we have goats in here somewhere. Here, get off my lap so I can check."
Posted by: Vance | October 6, 2008 11:08 AM
"What!? You said I owed you 8 bucks!"
Posted by: dwilk | October 6, 2008 11:21 AM
"Gosh that's a big bag. I know you're on the rag, but do you really need that many tampons?"
"Happy birthday two ewes- ha ha."
Posted by: Kosmicki | October 6, 2008 11:42 AM
I can get another job! How was I supposed to know everyone was bringing a parrot on 'Bring Your Pet to Work Day? And I didn't even know goats ate parrots?
Posted by: 99 | October 6, 2008 11:44 AM
"Just tell me why. Is it because of all of the goats?"
Posted by: Clambone | October 6, 2008 11:44 AM
Oh, and NOW you have a problem with being married to your brother?
Posted by: LK | October 6, 2008 11:49 AM
Fine! More chevre for me.
Posted by: Arthur | October 6, 2008 11:52 AM
"Get your ass back here! 'Goatkakke 5: Goats in Paradise' isn't going to tape itself!"
Posted by: louis lewis | October 6, 2008 11:53 AM
You'll never be happy unless you release the anger inside you. That's why I release mine inside goats.
Posted by: Arthur | October 6, 2008 11:55 AM
"Cow!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 6, 2008 11:59 AM
Will you stay if I promise to stop fucking them?
Posted by: Charles | October 6, 2008 12:12 PM
"Some marriages follow the reverse traditional model, with the female as the primary breadwinner and the male taking more of a supportive role."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | October 6, 2008 12:27 PM
"And make sure the fucking eggs you get are free-range!"
Posted by: dwilk | October 6, 2008 12:36 PM
"You may get the house, you may get the car, but you'll NEVER get my goat"
Posted by: Max | October 6, 2008 12:58 PM
"Hey, can you pick up another goat while you're out?"
Posted by: John Tabin | October 6, 2008 12:58 PM
"Hey, don't leave! You know I'm trying to get a real farm, but my credit is bad and it's hard to get a subprime mortgage these days!"
Posted by: John Tabin | October 6, 2008 1:01 PM
"Go on, now, go. Walk out the door. I will survive -- I will survive!"
Posted by: Max | October 6, 2008 1:19 PM
What did you expect, marrying someone named "Gruff"?
Posted by: therblig | October 6, 2008 1:20 PM
"You're just pissed off about what they did to your brother under the bridge."
Posted by: Damon | October 6, 2008 1:22 PM
"Fine, you were right. Mothballs get rid of moths but goat balls don't do jack shit about goats."
Posted by: Max | October 6, 2008 1:31 PM
"OK. OK. I apologize. I shouldn't have made that 'lipstick on a pig' comment."
Posted by: Richard H | October 6, 2008 1:35 PM
"Hugh Hefner's girls don't complain. Why should you?"
Posted by: Damon | October 6, 2008 1:36 PM
"Where did you get the idea I had seven boats?"
Posted by: Richard H | October 6, 2008 1:41 PM
"That's not going to fit in the overhead compartment."
Posted by: Jenny Blair | October 6, 2008 1:43 PM
"Alright, you go talk to the rabbi."
Posted by: jb | October 6, 2008 1:44 PM
I'm sorry I called your mother a cunt.
Posted by: DZ | October 6, 2008 1:50 PM
"Fuck you, you chinless dyke."
Posted by: J.D. | October 6, 2008 2:01 PM
"But you said it would spice up our marriage if I bought us a billy club."
Posted by: Slide | October 6, 2008 2:04 PM
"Come back here! I'll start using the Rogaine tomorrow! Happy?!?"
"Take the kid out of the purse and step away from that door with your hands up!"
"You know NOTHING of animal husbandry! Get out!"
"...and shearing scissors. And pick up some more snack books for them. And don't forget the chili."
Posted by: Dave | October 6, 2008 2:14 PM
"I don't think running as 'Michelle Bloomstein' is gonna fool anybody into giving you a third term."
Posted by: J.D. | October 6, 2008 2:18 PM
Hey, they're the gay ones, not me.
Posted by: miked | October 6, 2008 2:31 PM
"What can I tell you ?! That ad was supposed to read 'handsome GOAT-getter' !
Posted by: Sam L. | October 6, 2008 2:34 PM
"Things could be a lot worse. For example, in 1921 Aleister Crowley forced his mistress to fuck a goat and then slit its throat at the moment of orgasm."
Posted by: J.D. | October 6, 2008 2:35 PM
Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed...and then they start dancing. I'm tellin' you honey, "The Kashmir Goats" will kill at Branson. But I can't do it without you.
Posted by: therblig | October 6, 2008 2:49 PM
"Please don't leave me."
Posted by: J.D. | October 6, 2008 2:56 PM
Okay, so it's true. I Mickey Kaus do blow goats. I said I didn't just to maintain my contrarian bona fides. That's my schtick. I mean the contrarianism not the goat blowing which is my passion.
Posted by: rmp | October 6, 2008 3:10 PM
"What? Is it the goats? It's the goats, isn't it."
"When you said 'Alpaca bag and leave you' I thought you were just making a pun."
Posted by: Rubrick | October 6, 2008 3:13 PM
"I don't understand! You said you were into mountin' goats!"
Posted by: Rubrick | October 6, 2008 3:15 PM
"If you don't want group sex, how about a threesome?"
Posted by: Richard H | October 6, 2008 3:17 PM
"Hey! Where are you going?! You expect me to fuck all these goats by myself?!"
Posted by: Ogdred | October 6, 2008 3:24 PM
"Because their anus is tighter, that's why."
Posted by: mdoyle | October 6, 2008 3:28 PM
"Well, Albee! The goat IS Sylvia!!"
Posted by: Tim H | October 6, 2008 3:31 PM
"You are one uptight transvestite."
Posted by: Ben | October 6, 2008 3:46 PM
...But I didn't fuck ALL the goats!
Posted by: Cpt. A. Clown | October 6, 2008 3:57 PM
Awwww. You're leaving before I got a chance to explain why i have all these goats! My logic will be interesting, thoughtful and well argued.
Posted by: Charles | October 6, 2008 3:58 PM
What? Bush isn't running for a third term? What the hell am I going to do with all these pet goats? Maybe Obama will want them. Muslims eat goats, right?
Posted by: therblig | October 6, 2008 4:00 PM
"Please come back, Mary. I promise I'll stop eating the furniture."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 6, 2008 4:09 PM
"Close the door on your way out"
"If you have another goat-bag, I think this one behind my chair is dead too."
Posted by: Drew | October 6, 2008 4:10 PM
"eHarmony fucks me again. Later, bestiality prude!"
Posted by: David John | October 6, 2008 4:36 PM
"....Roll, Navy, down the field, And SINK the Army, SINK the Army grey ! N...A...V...Y , Gooooo Navy !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 6, 2008 4:39 PM
"Take my sheep. Please."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 6, 2008 4:48 PM
"Are the goats still screaming, Clareeeese?"
Posted by: dwilk | October 6, 2008 4:51 PM
Stop dressing like a damn farmer and I'll stop buying goats.
Posted by: Drew | October 6, 2008 4:52 PM
You forgot your lamp.
Posted by: Charles | October 6, 2008 5:13 PM
"Nanny na na. Nanny na na. Nanny na na...goood-bye."
Posted by: mort drucker | October 6, 2008 5:15 PM
"My lap is soaked with acrid piss."
Posted by: Mort drucker | October 6, 2008 5:19 PM
"But....but, but I have no herding instincts!"
Posted by: mort drucker | October 6, 2008 5:20 PM
"Old MacDonald HAD a wife."
Posted by: Dave | October 6, 2008 5:29 PM
[Plumber, walking out door, speaking...] "I've got to go out to my van to get a bigger auger. The goat shit in your upstairs toilet is backed up for 20 feet."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 6, 2008 5:34 PM
"Could you at least leave that reupholster's number?"
Posted by: mort drucker | October 6, 2008 5:38 PM
"So yeah, I fed them all that frigin' HOUSE BEAUTIFUL crap ! Snob Martha Stewart wannabe ,you ! Make me sick...with your damn Wine and Cheese 'gatherings'. Yeah, 'gatherings' ! ..So get out, go on !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 6, 2008 5:39 PM
"And don't you be coming back here on no 'eight goat night', neither ! ...Yeah, go on, freeze, 'Baby', FREEEEEZZZE !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 6, 2008 6:09 PM
"There she goes, Daisy. Maybe one day, I'll figure out the complexities of the female soul - the facets of their personalities which stay locked away, looking for a companion with the right set of keys. Men far smarter than I have written about them for centuries, and yet we all come to a common conclusion: there is no solving the riddle that is woman. Oh well. Let's go hump on the toilet."
Posted by: Damon | October 6, 2008 6:25 PM
Trust me, you'll eventually get used to the smell. I was talking to the goats!
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | October 6, 2008 6:47 PM
"Have fun playing racquetball. I'll just sit here and, uh... keep an eye on the goats."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 6, 2008 6:50 PM
"Leaving already? Maybe you Cubs fans shouldn't fuck with tradition."
Posted by: al in la | October 6, 2008 6:51 PM
"And for another thing, the kid brother and his wife have them a house-dog the size of a frigin' bull...til you can't get it out the frigin' door ! ...But, yeah, get out, go on."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 6, 2008 6:57 PM
"Nuh uh ! Said 'side-burned'! 'Side-burned and goated' ! Not no stupid 'goateed'. ..You frigin' dyslexic ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 6, 2008 7:20 PM
"There you go again ! Sigmund blah blah Freud castration blah blah anxiety blah overcompen blah sation blah blah ! ...Knew it was a mistake, getting you an education."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 6, 2008 7:35 PM
"By a 9-0 vote, the bathroom expansion project is approved."
Posted by: dwilk | October 6, 2008 7:35 PM
"You are 'daunted by the fracas of our living'? ....Why ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 6, 2008 8:26 PM
"Don't bring back any more goats."
"Mulva?"
"Could you stop at the library and pick up the 'Billy Goats Gruff' bok again?"
"How can you be tired of Goat's Head Soup?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | October 6, 2008 8:47 PM
(Um, help me out here. I thought it was all agreed no one would mention about 'Bush' and 'pet goats' any longer. ...Because if not,I have been unfairly restricting myself.)
Posted by: Von Go | October 6, 2008 8:48 PM
So I love having sex with goats. Really- is that so wrong?
Posted by: Steve_O | October 6, 2008 9:13 PM
It's still nicer than your mother's house.
Posted by: Steve_O | October 6, 2008 9:14 PM
Go ahead- walk out on me, bitch. You'll be sorry when I turn up dead.
Posted by: Mork | October 6, 2008 9:15 PM
Wait, come baaaa-ck. Or is that a sheep? Oh, just get the hell out of here.
Posted by: Capt. Spaulding | October 6, 2008 9:18 PM
You said we would stay together until the kids are grown. And butchered. And sauteed with onions.
Posted by: Steve_O | October 6, 2008 9:20 PM
"Good luck on 'America's Next Top Model'- say hi to Tyra for me. You know you've got NO chance!"
Posted by: LV | October 6, 2008 9:30 PM
"No, I very clearly explained in my letter of proposal, Ludmilya, how I lived in a 'goated community' - G-O-A-T-E-D ! ....Well, I can't say I wasn't warned about 'Russky' chicks."
Posted by: Von Go | October 6, 2008 9:33 PM
"Go ahead, move in with Raymond- everybody loves him. But I'm Peter Boyle, dammit!"
Posted by: LV | October 6, 2008 9:37 PM
"Effing 'Billy' ! Looks out least mention of 'ass'! 'Nice Ass' - 'Nice Grass', there's a difference, fool !"
Posted by: Von Go | October 6, 2008 10:07 PM
"Yeah? Well at least THE GOATS didn't eat a whole fucking quart of Haagen Dazs, you fat cunt."
Posted by: Trotman | October 6, 2008 10:15 PM
"Help! My furniture is being ravaged by goats!"
Posted by: Trotman | October 6, 2008 10:16 PM
"Actually, the one on the top right is a statue."
Posted by: Trotman | October 6, 2008 10:19 PM
"His name is Nibbles and he's just adorable! Why he doesn't eat more than a cup of food every da- where are you going?"
Posted by: Trotman | October 6, 2008 10:21 PM
"So you're leaving me because of the goats shitting? Well the joke's on you; enjoy your sandwich today, you fat cankle-having bitch."
Posted by: Trotman | October 6, 2008 10:24 PM
"True, voting for McCain or any Republican is a vote against my economic interests and very survival. But I am ruled by garden variety racism and could never vote for a negro Muslim homosexual terrorist communist. Also I fuck goats and love Jesus."
Posted by: J.D. | October 6, 2008 10:30 PM
"Put yourself in my shoes, after all, I'm always putting myself in your...you know."
Posted by: dwilk | October 6, 2008 10:37 PM
"Ya just can't git over the fact we're jest po whatt trash, now, kin ya!"
Posted by: Glenn | October 6, 2008 11:04 PM
(whispering to goat) "Ginger, sweetie, why don't you go give mama a little goin' away present on that big fat ass of her's?"
Posted by: al in la | October 6, 2008 11:59 PM
"Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and goat; egg bacon and goat; egg bacon sausage and goat; goat bacon sausage and goat; goat egg goat goat bacon and goat; goat sausage goat goat bacon goat tomato and goat . . ."
Posted by: Galoux | October 7, 2008 12:43 AM
"I'd run after you, throw myself at your feet, grab hold of your ankles, and beg you to stay, but it would mean disturbing Daisy, and she just got comfortable."
Posted by: Bou | October 7, 2008 12:54 AM
Piss and shit? Who cares? Yeah, that's right. Goat teats beat anything you have to offer any day of the week, so just keep on walking.
Posted by: Alan Weld | October 7, 2008 6:51 AM
"Don't worry, boys, she'll be back. She always comes back."
Posted by: HT | October 7, 2008 8:22 AM
"OK, I should've taken Billy to the vet a long time ago. But I still think you want to emasculate me."
Posted by: Galoux | October 7, 2008 9:47 AM
Go if you have to, but please don't call the cops! No one understands the love between a man and his goat-harem.
Posted by: Kevin E. | October 7, 2008 10:08 AM
"Good thing there's no black people here to see this."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | October 7, 2008 11:46 AM
"Some day we'll look back on all this and laugh--or we would if these were GIANT GOATS. That's always funny."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | October 7, 2008 11:51 AM
Take the books. I don't have time to read anymore.
Posted by: Charles | October 7, 2008 12:38 PM
"Hey, Heidi! Aren't you forgettin' somethin'?"
Posted by: Namby | October 7, 2008 1:12 PM
"This one opposes a woman's right to choose. His name is Billy Graham."
Posted by: Kosmicki | October 7, 2008 1:57 PM
"Go ahead, leave! I'm gonna tell all the neighbors about your dick!"
Posted by: Frank the Insider | October 7, 2008 3:53 PM
When I said you were looser than a goat's vagina, I was speaking metaphorically!
Posted by: JR | October 7, 2008 3:55 PM
I might have a weird goat fetish, but at least I don't carry my GIGANTIC butt-plug around in a duffle bag!
Posted by: Weller | October 7, 2008 4:07 PM
"I thought lesbians liked goats."
Posted by: Kathy H | October 7, 2008 4:10 PM
"You can't just leave me with all these kids to feed!"
Posted by: mn | October 7, 2008 5:37 PM
"Yeah ?! Well, you'd be flatulent, too, on foam-cushioning !"
Posted by: Von Go | October 7, 2008 5:48 PM
It's a dithyrambic diorama I've created, something completely "trag-ditional,"
and yet, like totally "kunstemporaneous"..
O, The Tragedy!
Posted by: Lanny Quarles | October 7, 2008 5:50 PM
(weakly) Hey, uh, You really need to ask before you take my giant hot-dog tote to the Gabrito brothel, Mistress Zelda..
Posted by: Lanny Quarles | October 7, 2008 5:53 PM
"God-damned robbers ! I ain't sure it'd be cheaper to feed all these bastards than 'taxi' 'em ! ...'Ben' better come out good as 'Hortense', see !"
Posted by: Von Go | October 7, 2008 5:57 PM
"Hell yeah, you 'box-lunch', bitch-- price BEEF what it is !"
Posted by: Von Go | October 7, 2008 6:03 PM
As key comrades of the new TOTAL ZOOPHILIC BOLSHEVISM,
I thought we might add a kind of urban rusticism connecting
our dream of a worker's Utopia with the mythic Arcadian idyll of the
ancient shepherd folk..
What's your DEAL, Martha?
Posted by: Lanny Quarles | October 7, 2008 7:01 PM
"Yes, they all laughed at me at the Academy. They said a goat would never be 'successfully' cloned. And when I cloned the goat, they said it would never be housebroken. All right, so one out of two. But the important thing is... HEY-where are you going? My goat anecdote is not done! And what's in that bag? Dear Lord, my secret goat cloning papers! Gertie, Gus, Giselle, Gustave, Guillarme, Gladys, Galway, Portnoy... STOP her!"
Posted by: Mort drucker | October 7, 2008 7:43 PM
"Yeah, now that frigin' Republicanism has been so totally absolutely discredited back til Lincoln, those 'bastids' will all be looking for themselves a new mascot, new symbolism. ...And just who you think gonna be there with just the thing, just the 'effing' animal to say 'forth 'n multiply' ? ..Sell like hotcakes ! ...Frigin' 'republics' !"
Posted by: Von Go | October 7, 2008 8:06 PM
"Oh alright, I'll change them to reptiles in the painting."
Posted by: Anatoly | October 7, 2008 8:22 PM
"I can't believe the Cubs lost again."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | October 8, 2008 12:41 AM
"There's twelve of them. And if you're done passing judgment and using my bathroom, feel free to fuck right off, Avon Lady."
Posted by: David John | October 8, 2008 3:36 AM
You know I've always wanted a satyr! Come on, be glad I'm not asking you to birth a centaur.
Posted by: Drew | October 8, 2008 10:26 AM
"Thank you for dropping by, Daniel. You will always be welcome here. ...Bleat 'goat-bye' to Daniel, 'the Andes Goat-Boy', kids."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 8, 2008 10:42 AM
Every sperm is sacred.
Posted by: Adam G | October 8, 2008 11:13 AM
"O.K., I'm a 'PETERAST' ! That makes me worse than a Republican ?!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 8, 2008 12:34 PM
"Buzz off, bitch ! That's my last 're-cycle'!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 8, 2008 12:53 PM
"If you must know, she makes me laugh."
Posted by: stcoleridge | October 8, 2008 1:44 PM
"There you go, blaming it on goats again ! I'll have you know cows, sheep, hogs...and rabbits, yes, rabbits, may all be carriers of syphilis !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 8, 2008 2:00 PM
"Thank you, and if I have any more problems with my goat-dispenser, I'll be sure to give you a call."
Posted by: Ed C | October 8, 2008 2:24 PM
"You know what, go ahead and quit. The George Carlin Home for Unwanted Goats doesn't need a maintenance woman anyway."
Posted by: Ed C | October 8, 2008 2:27 PM
"Hey, I'm not the one who insisted on buying furniture made from grass and recycled tin cans!"
Posted by: Bou | October 8, 2008 2:34 PM
“Okay. Fine. McCain did a GREAT job last night.”
Posted by: Frank the Insider | October 8, 2008 4:25 PM
"I got a wife and kids! (Lenny always laughs when I say that!)"
"Don't let the screen door hit you on your way out!"
"Baby come Baaaack... You can blame it all on me!"
Posted by: Johnny V | October 8, 2008 6:14 PM
...But I told you, I'll let you felch!
Posted by: Cpt. Clown | October 8, 2008 10:18 PM
"No, YOU'RE gay!"
Posted by: Brian L | October 9, 2008 2:53 AM
If I cared about you at all, I wouldn't have all these goats in the house in the first place. At the very least, I should be upset you are leaving or concerned enough to try to stop you, but I really don't care. In fact, once you are gone, I will not even think about you or recall a single experience, good or bad, that we had together. When you walk out that door, you cease to exist. So, yes, you are right to leave.
Posted by: Alan Weld | October 9, 2008 5:01 AM
What- you've never heard of animal husbandry? Gay, polygamous, animal husbandry.
Posted by: Steve_O | October 9, 2008 7:21 AM
Just see if you can find anyone else who will love you, you chinless cross-dressing bitch.
Posted by: Mork | October 9, 2008 7:23 AM
"I still love you. I always have. I'll never stop."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | October 9, 2008 9:54 AM
"Hey, there a book missing off the book shelf ! What's the idea ?! You making off with one my books, now ain't you, woman ? Jesus F. Christ you making off with the bible ! ....Stop !
Posted by: Sam L. | October 9, 2008 10:54 AM
(Obviously, this is a scene from the next freecreditreport.com commercial)
The song:
"They say a person's home
is certainly his castle,
so why is mine all full of goats
and I violate their assholes?
It's all because some hacker
stole my identity.
So now my house is full of goats
for bestiality.
Should have gone to freecreditreport.com...." (you know the rest)
Posted by: Ronnie the Fondler | October 9, 2008 11:33 AM
"What's in the bag?"
Posted by: Grizzly Dad | October 9, 2008 1:33 PM
"Okay, okay, I'll get a vasectomy."
Posted by: Swaption | October 9, 2008 7:33 PM
"one of your damned goats is sitting on my lap again."
Posted by: Dave | October 9, 2008 8:21 PM
"Oops. I didn't realize my barn door was open."
Posted by: Dave | October 9, 2008 8:34 PM
"You ain't got a goats of a chance without me, Linda Lou! ...Linda Lou???"
Posted by: Dave | October 9, 2008 8:36 PM
"COME stay with me and be my Love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That hills and valleys, dale and field,
And all the craggy mountains yield.
There will we sit upon-HEY- the rocks
And see the shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow rivers.. where you goin'?
Melodious birds sing--aw, crap. Aw, man..."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | October 9, 2008 10:09 PM
"Little lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee,
Gave thee life, and bade thee feed
By the stream and o’er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing, wooly, bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice,
Making all the vales rejoice?
Little lamb, who made thee?
-DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE ASS-
Dost thou know who made thee?"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | October 9, 2008 10:13 PM
"Jimmy, Lola, Bert, Raquel, Cindylou, and Big Steve all got they goat suits on. I'm gettin' my goat suit on. Lookit Ms. Uptighty, can't get her goat suit on!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | October 9, 2008 10:16 PM
"'Sic transit gloria mundi' and a hey-diddle-diddle."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | October 9, 2008 10:18 PM
"Human/goat centaurs are the most practical solution to the mid-east conflict, and if you're too blind to see that, well I for one feel sorry for you."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | October 9, 2008 10:21 PM
"Deuteronomy says it's okay as long as we don't boil a kid in its mother's milk--I'm good with that, what's your problem?"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | October 9, 2008 10:34 PM
"Know ye not that a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump? Purge ye out therefor the leaven and you shall be a new lump in the--are you even listening to me?"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | October 9, 2008 10:35 PM
"But Weinstein here is Jewish!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | October 9, 2008 10:37 PM
"The way you wear your coat,
The way you sip your tea,
The way you butcher goats --
No, no! They can't take that away from me!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | October 9, 2008 10:43 PM
You can't leave me! They haven't learned to take a bottle yet!
Posted by: Shawn | October 10, 2008 12:00 AM
"Who you gonna call? Goatsbusters!"
Posted by: dwilk | October 10, 2008 3:01 AM
"How about if we try dusting the furniture with cayenne pepper?"
Posted by: stcoleridge | October 10, 2008 9:53 AM
"But when you said, "It's either them or me", I didn't realize you were talking about the goats!"
Posted by: stcoleridge | October 10, 2008 10:08 AM
@Eusless Tilley - Did you misremember "five" as "ten"? It's five, and the above is a good illustration why.
Posted by: Vance | October 10, 2008 7:59 PM
"That a damn rotten thing to say, woman ! Just recall: Farm boys wild to couple With anything with soft-wooded trees With mounds of earth, with mounds of pine-straw, will keep themselves off Animals by legends of their own --namely, that of 'The Sheep-Child' ! Yeah, James Dickey, you ignorant two-bit high-school dropout !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 10, 2008 10:44 PM
"I think it's presumptuous to assume the damage to our environment is goat-made."
Posted by: al in la | October 10, 2008 11:31 PM
"Okay, okay, if you stay, I will stop bleating you."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | October 11, 2008 12:13 AM
"Of all the goat joints, in all the towns, in all the world, you walk outta mine."
Posted by: sadly lacking | October 11, 2008 8:22 AM
Um, before you leave, would you mind if check your duffel? I would hate to see you nabbed for goat smauggling.
Posted by: boneguy | October 11, 2008 10:12 AM
" 'I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contained; I stand and look at them long and long. They do not sweat and whine about their condition; They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins; THEY DO NOT MAKE ME SICK DISCUSSING THEIR DUTY TO GOD ; Not one is dissatisfied ; not one is demented with the mania of owning things'.......like John and Cindy McCain."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 11, 2008 1:53 PM
" 'Buy GOLD', was that it ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 11, 2008 2:24 PM
"Here's looking at you, kid-do !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 11, 2008 2:52 PM
"Temper, temper, woman ! A second, I could be calling you 'Hothead McCain'. ...I mean, 'androgenous' as them overalls and cap !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 11, 2008 3:49 PM
"You talk, wife ! Yeah, midst your 'somnia, ain't I heared often 'nough you a-count: 'Jump-Jump-Jump-Jump-jump ME-jump ME-Jump-Jump-Jump', and so forth ! ....So don't you be talkin' so all high 'n mighty now...for in the words of Our Lord, if'n YOUR RIGHT EYE CAUSES YOU TO SIN, PLUCK IT OUT AND THROW IT AWAY'-- Matthew 5: 29 ! ....I mean, where's your 'Scripture', woman ? .... Hey, what's the rush ?!"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 11, 2008 4:41 PM
I told ya I moved all our money into recession-proof stock!
Posted by: Steve_O | October 11, 2008 6:12 PM
"Augusta, you say you leave me, I say nothing. You tell me the man you go to with the working legs, you will send worst pictures of him dashing up tallest flights of stairs, also pictures you have no shirt and making slutty face. I hang my head, I say go. But Augusta you leave me here with these goats who will eat anything, I tell you God will send you to hell Augusta and curse our children! I buy you car, is good car. I pay trainer for little Alex, he can now even go to restaurant. Why do you bring them here to kill me?"
Posted by: Char | October 12, 2008 12:38 AM
"I know bein' new it's kinda hard to stand, Miss, but there's more goats than this outside, and kinda the point of Purgatory is to learn to accept, I'm told. So just stay put like me and you'll be on to your eternal reward in not too much time I hope, unless you can't stop fuckin' 'em neither."
(This cartoon illustrates the fact that Purgatory is simply a place where you are challenged to tolerate huge numbers of goats, and also to avoid the temptation of attempting sexual conquest of your soft, trusting co-inhabitants in the plane of absolute judgment. While the majority of mildly sinful souls arrive in this realm of limbo after death and are glad to find themselves unlicked by flame and Satan, nearly all of them fail to realize the possibly of progression to heaven.)
Posted by: Barth | October 12, 2008 1:03 AM
A "normal" American atheist home
Posted by: Benj | October 12, 2008 1:07 AM
"Please, I take it back, we'll get more goats. Lots more. I love you and it can't be a sickness if it's part of you. I never meant it and I'm so sorry, I love you I love you just don't go Jane don't oh god Jane these goats oh god."
Posted by: Craig P. | October 12, 2008 1:15 AM
High on a hill was a lonely goatherd
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd
Lay ee odl lay -- OK, I'll shut up.
Posted by: Ernest | October 12, 2008 2:25 AM
"Ah, honey ! They be coming back with tradition down by Juneau--Mery Chris'mas 'n so forth. Thank you, Gov'nor Palin ! ...So when they does, who you figure be there rentin' to pageantry and town squares everywheres ? ..Be the makin' of us !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 12, 2008 12:48 PM
"You WOULD continually throw Regnard in my face, with your, 'It's worse than a crime, it's beastliness'; or his , 'C'est plus qu'un crime, c'est une betise' ! But, hey, strictly speaking, 'betise' ought not come out in modern French as any thing so societally unsanctionable as 'beastliness'--and, by implication, 'bestiality'. So there !.......Hey, where are you going ?!"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 12, 2008 1:57 PM
"Why, you goddamn anti-intellectual snob, woman ! Hey, where you think Barth got all his first,initial insights for 'Goat-Boy' ?! Yeah, you looking at their 'cestry, woman ! Do the name 'Giles'--rest in peace!-- mean anything ?! ..Half brother of mine ! ...But yeah, go on, turn your back on 'cultural history'....go on !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 12, 2008 2:30 PM
"Sure, you're leaving now, but you'll be back -- just as soon as you finish the giant log of chevré in your duffel bag!"
Posted by: David T. | October 12, 2008 2:41 PM
"Why am I always the scapegoat? Oh. RIght."
Posted by: mort drucker | October 12, 2008 6:35 PM
"Minor technicality, wife ! Goat 'll work fine, so I'll just begin over. Let's see... Capra aegagrus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis. Capra aegagrus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis. Capra aegagrus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, dona nobis pacem. ....Hey, come back here and get yourself purified, woman !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 12, 2008 6:59 PM
"Stray if you dare, wanton hussy! My attack goat Vance will follow you down the lanes,byways and thoroughfares abusing you in a stentorian bleat, en corum populo! Away, noble Vance! Do your goatly best!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | October 12, 2008 9:41 PM
"Oy! How was I to know that Chad Gadya doesn't work out in real life? Dayenu! "
Posted by: David F | October 12, 2008 10:29 PM
"So, I'm being scapegoated for my 'Goat-scape?' Is that it? Is that how it ends?"
Posted by: Mort drucker | October 12, 2008 10:47 PM
"Twelve Groats per bag of oats, two bags for every goat, yet now you have turn'd coat, with bleats we shall emote, damn you."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | October 12, 2008 11:51 PM
Well, it's better than our last place with all that fire and brimstone and the jabbing with the pitchfork. That place REALLY sucked.
Posted by: Mork | October 13, 2008 1:28 AM
"Wait- come back! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to suggest you dress like a lumpen proletariat, just that you dress a little dykey, is all!"
Posted by: Mike F. | October 13, 2008 12:45 PM
I don't know - 1st place seems like a real caption to me.
Posted by: stcoleridge | October 16, 2008 5:06 PM
Awww, go ahead and leave! There'll be one less old goat hanging around to nag me!
Posted by: Tom P. | November 11, 2008 3:57 PM