September 29, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #163

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.


"I'm debating you. Go to your podium, bitch!" —njtotx

"Psst..Alice. I stuffed eleven cuts of veal up my sleeve on my way back from the bathroom. Psst..Alice? Aw crap, is this mike on?" —mort drucker

"Hey, we're in luck. I found another menu over here at the hostess stand." —Steve_O

Honorable mention
(At a disbarred Alcoholics Anonymous gathering) "A well I bless my soul What's wrong with me? I'm shaking like a man on a fuzzy tree Da Da something Da WIRED as a bug I'm in love I'm all shook up !" —Von Go

"I am OZ, the out-of-place and completely nonthreatening." —Bou

"My name is Bob Barr and I'm running for President of the United States." —Gray

"We take issue with those who say these White House press briefings are no longer relevant." —al in la

Posted by Daniel Radosh



"I'm John and I'm an alcoholic. I think this week's choice of venue may have been a mistake."

"So now you ignore my podium? What does that say about our marriage, Gladys, that these formal trappings do not quicken your heart?"

"When,...when you talk about appetizers,.. things people eat before they eat other things. Choice-wise,...I'm the decider."

Resolved: That the purchase of a meal of a price equal to or greater than $75, including wine, should result in the procurement of at least a blow job.

"Please darling, you knew that when you married a maitre d', some nights would be like this."

And that's why we need government regulation...any questions?

"What? No pork rind appetizers? What kind of restaurant has podiums and microphones and yet no pork rinds? Arghh and double arghh! I wave my tiny fist in protest. The priorities are totally skewed. I would gladly give ten such podiums as this for a single plate of sizzling rinds!"

"My name is Bob Barr and I'm running for President of the United States."

Because C-Span staffers really know how to PARTAY.

"Hey Mrs. McCain! I got your pork barrel right here!"

"Bob Dole does not eat tacos for breakfast!"

"Mind if a little later I annex your Sudetenland?"

I have a brief Powerpoint of tonight's specials.

"This I promise you: order tonight's chef special and you shall taste of man flesh!"

"Amazing, no? Isn't my hand the tiniest hand you've ever seen? Like a four-year old pretty girl's hand, yes? Do you believe I can make it as big as a Firestone Tire? No? Well, just--watch--THIS!!"

"Good morning Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea! Pardon me for talking with my mouth full--of BOOZE, ha ha ha haaa!"

"All right, I'm ready for the next debate - really ready this time! Those who were gossiping about my sagging left eye - look at it NOW, huh? Huh? Yessir! Hotchacha! - Oh, and, uh, I decided to wear a toupee also."

This menu is so tired -- can't we go somewhere else?

"Well, this is certainly one of the oddest seating arrangements for a table for two that I've ever encountered. I don't seem to have much room for plates or sliverware, though I must say I do like this high chair."

"For the last time, Phyllis, it's not a podium, it's a lectern! And no, I will not keep my voice down - what's the point of Public Speaking if no one can hear you??? Now will you put that menu down and act like you're paying attention?"

"I recommend you start with an appetizer of 'lonely desperation,' move on to a salad of 'post-menopausal depression,' for entree you should go with 'frigid lonely bitch,' and for dessert - let's see, how about 'suicide'?"

"The top end on this custom Segway is Mach 3: let me take you someplace [I]special[/I]."

"Your body language suggests you are about to attempt the 'one-cheek-sneak.' That may play in one of Emeril's restaurants, but not here. You will stand up and take proper credit when you fart!"

"This is my 93rd martini since breakfast--how're YOU doin'?"

"Is this lectern hiding my erection?"

"Hey, we're kind of early...what say we count how many losers use the microphone for phallic references?"

"May I recommend the Canned Pringles? And may I do it in a drunken stupor?"

(At a disbarred Alcoholics Anonymous gathering) "A well I bless my soul What's wrong with me? I'm shaking like a man on a fuzzy tree Da Da something Da WIRED as a bug I'm in love I'm all shook up !"

"I'd like to thank the woman with the unflattering hairdo for making this the best-attended poetry slam ever."

"I guess you were gonna find out sooner or later anyhow, so here goes: when I get excited, my dick instantly turns into a podium. Yup. And that means we can't have sex. If we did, this would happen during the act of lovemaking, and you'd end up looking like yourself, but with your body stretched out in the shape of a podium because my dick would have expanded inside of you. And then you'd probably say something clever, like `This isn't the kind of wood I was hoping for', but it would come out as 'Gnnaf fnkle grog mnuuf bman plaab mdmgud' because your mouth would be all misshapen from the stretching. But I'd still laugh."

"As you can see from the brochure, the whale watching trip will take you within view of Russia. Why do you ask, Governor?"

"Mais oui, madame ! That's tippl... er, tips included. How we French say, 'service compris'! And speaking of 'service', ma chere....."

"Tell the tiny lamps to stop judging me. STOP JUDGING ME!!!"

In the middle of his speech, he saw her and froze as their eyes locked. Hadn't he killed her at the rest stop off I-8 near Yuma?

"I do not have gynomastia -- I'm wearing water wings, okay? You're not buying that? Well, I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

Chair has moved to close this meeting of the Bil Keane Fan Club and Ms. Know has seconded. All in favor?

"We've been over this before, Phylis. I tried longer pants. We tried your purse. We tried a suitcase, a muumuu, a garbage bag, a decorative table cloth, a tent, an orchestra, a sunset, the Atlanta Falcons, a tarp, a hospital gown, various sweaters, paper towels, John Goodman, zebra skin, therapy, silly costumes, a pint of Old Harper, and a dead, stuffed Guatemalan child. Everything. A podium is the only thing that'll hide my colostomy bag. So shut the fuck up, order your crème brulee, eat it, and be happy you don't have to see it ten minutes later."

I thought you said that I needed to go on a "dais", but now that I hear you pronounce it "day-iss", no, it's not droll at all.

“Thatcher, party of one, your casket is ready.”

"As we await OLD Mr. Vanderbilt's attendance, madame, I would have you expect the full 'cordon bleu' presentation. ...But there is one small matter,'une petite chose', between us, madame, which may prevent the utmost of ease for you in this evening's dining experience. In short, my hands, 'mes mains', the notice of which you have for a time been studiously avoiding . Yes, admittedly they're short--small, if you will--which will not confer justice, one ought realize, upon the inference of shortness in any of my other parts, n'est-ce pas.......Er, are you perhaps feeling 'un petit soupcon' lightheaded yourself, madame ? ...The wine ?"

(Startled to indiscretion) "Geraldine Ferraro ? My word ! ..O.K., I'll go with latino waiters."

"Attention, s'il vous plait ! I am ranting on 'the facets of your sitcoms' !"

"Honey, before the appetizers arrive, I'd just like to give you an update of my first quarter sales performance."

"Yeah ?! Well, me wearing whatever 'hats' saves us a few bucks, don't it, on this frigin' stupid, hopeless re-make of SEPARATE TABLES ! ...Oh, and by the way, you're no Rita Hayworth ! ...Down lights !"

"I'm sorry Gladis but I can take no chances. My allergy to 'footsies' is that acute."

"Here's to the ladies who lunch--
Everybody laugh.
Lounging in their caftans
And planning a brunch
On their own behalf.
Off to the gym,
Then to a fitting,
Claiming they're fat.
And looking grim,
'Cause they've been sitting
Choosing a hat.
Does anyone still wear a hat?
I'll drink to that."

"Effing bitch has 'safety-pinned' her ears ! Typical ! O.K., this 'mike' oughta put me through !"

('Opener' at the Bi-Annual Lonely Heart Club's gala evening) "People, People Who need people Are the luckiest people In the world We're chil...."

"I'm here to educate you European diners on tipping etiquette. No more excuses now!"

"Pay no attention to that midget behind the podium!"

The lady has made a motion for fresh pepper. Is there a second?

I'll start the bidding at "a kiss." Do I hear "blow job"?

"No, that’s our whine list, and I highly recommend, ‘The salmon was overcooked.’”

The spouse from the esteemed state of Missouri votes NO on the marinara!

"We here at 'Citrus Etoile' may all agree, Mrs. Paulson, that the American people and its congressional representatives are some of the dumbest and most ignorant 'son'bitchs' to inhabit the Western 'democracies'. Nonetheless, I must request that you refrain now from any further libation in our 'Hauteur Alsacien: 1974."

At first it was funny, but Denise grew tired of Red interrupting every date with a speech about how his ex-wife "NEVER GOT A DINNER!"

“Spring veal with new vegetables. Excellent choice. Let's put it to the floor."

" Haunted by the facets of my 'zitzes', were you, Helene ? Well, have you taken a good look at yourself lately ?! Not exactly 'the face that laun... !"

Sorry for being a bit emotional on our first date, but my wife's funeral is tomorrow and I have to practice the eulogy.

A few words about our first-date sex menu. We are out of the cunnilingus. But I highly recommend the blumpkin. Or perhaps you're more of a hot lunch gal?

"Euros, euros, American tourist ! If you have to ask, you can't afford it--get out !"

"Why you're a little baby hand aren't you? Where did you come from? We're so excited to meet you, because you're so tiny and smooth and you move about so nice... Oh why yes just *exactly* like that..."

"Men are pompous and talk a lot. Get it?"

“Hi, my name’s Tom, and I’ll be serving you and your country tonight .”

"The 'hoss' here is Hipp'crene."

"I need you to call your congressman and support this bailout, Hilda, or the credit markets may seize up before the bill for tonight's meal comes due."

"Yeah ?! O.K., maybe our French women don't always shave their legs, but at least they don't plaster on the make-up like a trollop !"

"Haha! So then I...OH FUCK! A MOSQUITO JUST BIT ME! I'm deathly allergic! Quick, call an ambulance, my left arm is swelling up already!"

(Singing): "Another year Another June Another sunny honeymoon another season Another reason for fake toupee'(oops!) A quiet service A lot of rice The cashier's 'nice' He answers twice It's simply killin'(oops!) That he's so willin' To fake toupee' !"

"Psst..Alice. I stuffed eleven cuts of veal up my sleeve on my way back from the bathroom. Psst..Alice? Aw crap, is this mike on?"

"Nothing like hauling a lectern around all day to work up and appetite."

(Improved singing): "Another beer Another tune Another 'punny' honeymoon another session Another person for fake toupee' A 'diet' service A bowl of rice The maitre's nice He cuts your price It's simply killin' That he's so willin' To fake toupee' !"

Hey, we're in luck. I found another menu over here at the hostess stand.

Can you tell that I have my dick hanging out?

Hey, Honey! I bet you could crawl under here and blow me and no one would even know!

My bleeding, protruding hemmorhoids don't allow me to sit.

These Republican fundraisers blow since Palin started to tank.

Soon as I light the table on fire we can roast some marshmallows. It's a trick I learned at work.

"Of all the nerve...nobody even bothered showing up to hear my speech about my promotion at work! And wouldja look at this...now I'm having a stroke! Geez, make my day, why dontcha?"

"I am OZ, the out-of-place and completely nonthreatening."

I'm sorry, Delores. Unless you get a second, the motion "Will you shut the fuck up and sit down" doesn't carry.

"Hey, Lady! I hate to break his to you, but you're an encephalitic. Of course your blind date took one look and ran."

"I suppose you're all wondering why I've called you all together today."

"Hello -- hello? Is this thing on?"

"What the fuck? Is this thing even on? And hey, where is everyone?"

"I'm Rolf Schmitzenmeier, and I approve this message."

"I'm one of those MENU don't want to miss. Heh heh. Heh."

"Phyllis, I'm sorry this date has been such a disaster, but I think it's a bit unfair to blame my podium."

"I'd like to welcome you all... er, I mean you... to this national gathering of of George W. Bush supporters."

"You thought it was a bachelor auction? No, sorry. I'm just a guy who likes to stand near podiums."

"How is a turd like the American economy, you ask? They're both going down the toilet."

"The hors d'oevres here are obscene."

"I thought giving a speech in the middle of dinner would be a good idea, but it's actually pretty awkward!"

"Lady, that's one serious meth face."

The lamps in here are so tiny, right!?

"...little lady, as I mentioned, as soon as we can seat a gentleman with you, we'll take your order."

"Welcome to the first annual meeting of Parents Withour Spouses Who Collect Egg Cups!"

okay..should be... "Welcome to the first annual meeting of Parents Without Spouses Who Collect Egg Cups!"

"Lectern...., Hannibal Lectern."

(Maybe if I just ignore him, Michael J. Fox will just go to another table.)

"We take issue with those who say these White House press briefings are no longer relevant."

"White people are crazy."

Hubert inched his hand forward almost involuntarily, gripped with an overwhelming desire to shift his lectern into third gear. But how would Francine respond?

"But putting aside today's 'talking points' for a moment, Mrs. McCain, don't you feel that it might have been helpful if John had gone to a toupee' years ago ? ..I mean, ra. uh, that is, 'cat out of the bag' now, so to speak."

"For your husband to maintain his shroud of deniability, YOU will have to be the one to memorize and manage this list of your houses, Mrs. McCain."

"And now for your salad, madame, I heartily recommend our lobster. It is only two wee.. , uh, two days old, that is. Refrigerated, of course ! ..Madame, we practice(uh oh) the very latest, state-of-the-art preservative techniques here at 'Pierre's'."

"For today, Cindy will be auctioning off several of the McCain's thirteen vehicles, with proceeds going to the late Mother Teresa's operation in India. As you may have heard Cindy was 'thick'....with Mother Teresa. So bid up, all ! ..One moment please, while Mrs. McCain decides which of her vehicles she will donate...probably the foreign made. Take your time, Cindy ! We appreciate how you cherish those vehicles."

"Hey, is this thing on?"

Is that Sharon Stone sitting with her legs uncrossed again?

"It's amazing! My wine glass is sitting on a slanted podium top and yet is perfectly perpendicular."

"It is impolite to stare at my deformed hand."

"I call this meeting of the Tablecloth Monogramming Society to order, and I will now call the roll."

...Shlameel...Shlamazel...Hasenfeffer Incorporated...

"Ma'am, I'm afraid anyone ordering the steak must sit through a 20 minute lecture on animal cruelty...What can I tell you? Welcome to Berkeley."

"Sold! To the one-armed, female Cyclops with the bizarre sitting posture."

"Filibuster? I hardly knew her!"

"I'll take one more. Yes, the lady down front has submitted this: 'Can you tell us something about 'mannerism', or this Mannerist School in Italy ?' Yes, very well. O.K., now 'mannerism', among whose foremost practitioners you may remember the names 'Il Bronzino' and Jacomo Pontormo, is a style of art and architecture originating in the 16th century as a reaction against the equilibrium of form and proportion characteristic of the High Renaissance. ...But I notice that the little lady may take more than a mere, passing, academic interest in our subject...as, indeed, I myself.... Sis ? Sis ?! Why, is that you really here, returned amongst us at long last ?! Yes,I think it must surely be you, my very own sister ! ...Folks, my sister ! Her very form ! I'll be."

"I'm a man with a rug on top of his head, waiting for the waiter, to bring him some bread. Got an ear riding high and a spazzed out eye, and if that weren't enough I got a hand like a child. My wife's at the table, she a real freak, with her pear shaped body, a real pencil neck geek.
It's enough to make me sob, shake my tiny fist, order half the wine on this mutha-fucking list."

"Evelyn, on this, the occasion of our 30th wedding anniversary, I would like to serenade you with a song that speaks for my heart. It's called 'Life Ain't Nothin But Bitches and Money.'"

"I was for the appetizer before I was against it."

"Donner...Party of 4. OH! I get it. Pretty funny, sister!"

"Is it just me or... wait, it's just me."

"I feel called upon to caution you, Mrs. McCain, that any mixed assortment of Grecian and Peruvian vintages may run you the risk of public embarrassment, if not of the need for actual emergency medical intervention. ..We all remember 'Pappy' Bush's little 'contretemps' next to the Japanese prime minister, now don't we ?"

" 'On A Clear Day You MIGHT See.....Russia' ? Ouch ! O.K., all--Mrs. McCain just remarked,'On a clear day you MIGHT see... Russia'. Ooo! Ooo! Little 'cat fight' coming on, maybe ? Palin getting all that attention, 'John-never-home' kinda thing ? ....Hey, who knew, all ?! Thought Cindy was one these 'Stepford's' ! ...I'm out !"

"Attention ! Mrs. Falconkamp would like to auction off today her entire unique and unparalleled Ronald Reagan collection: brush shears, wood-saws, cowboy hats, boots, and 'chaps'...movie 'stills'(autographed) -- you name it !"

"I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny..." (Holy Shit balls its Karaoke Night at the Sizzler!)

"Honey, I love the way you order, and always have. Will you be my orderererr....from this night forward??"

"Drinkmasters...this....this is, uhh....awesome and stuff!"

"I can't lie, I was hoping more people would show up to my press conference suicide."

"You gonna drink that?"

"When I challenged my opponent to debate 'Anytime! Anyplace!' it just seemed logical to have a podium with me at all times."

" .... The Aristocrats." (clears throat)

"Jass, Mr. Hugh Jass party of 2...no...OK...um.....Balls, Ilovtalick Balls party of 3...Hey wait a minute...."


(Last karaoke)): Well she was just thirt' nine ! You know what I fin' ?! And the way she looked Was way beyond compare ! So how could I wine with another O, when I saw her 'thirt.' there ? Well, she locked on me, And I, I could see That before too long I'd fall in debt for her ! O, she's dined to no spare, Since we've dat'd here/there ! O, my mind said 'fool', But she's took me to school, And I lay out more 'an fair !"

I'm a maverick. Did ya hear me???...I SAID MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK!!!!!!YES, I'M A FUCKING MAVERICK!!!

"I support the middle class and the lower class can go fuck itself."

"TOLD you I could make a chair look like a podium."

"I have an announcement, dear. I'm leaving you because your mouth is way too small, and your neck reminds me of the time our neighbor's dog bit the head off of my pet snake."

"Holy shit! Look at that cleavage!"

"In honor of our date this evening, I have a few prepared remarks."

"Apparently they just hired a large lobster."

"I am going to ignore your question, Gwen, and address my reply directly to the American people."

You want the vermouth? You can't handle the vermouth! I'm out of order. You're out of order. This whole damn table is out of order!

“People said we wouldn’t make it to the restaurant, then people said we wouldn’t make it past the cocktails. Well, to them I say, it’s ON TO THE MAIN COURSE and we won’t finish ‘till we've HAD DESSERT!!!”

"So then I started fisting him and he was all 'is it in yet?' Now you share your most humiliating tiny hand story."

“..................., ..................., ................., ......this FUCKING THING! Oh, we’re on?”

Marriage proposal scene from upcoming miniseries "Rudy Giuliani, Small Man in Search of a Balcony, Part Two: The Combover Years."

"O.K., bit of 'post-election blues', Phoenix, Nov.5. 2008 : The party's over The pledges halted or skimped We 'enhanced', schemed through the night It seemed to be so right being with him ! Now we must 'dry up', all dreams must end Take off your make-up, the party's over It's all over, dear 'Cin' ! ....Second verse ? Um - second verse, anybody ? ...Anybody ?"

"The whores here are obscene."

Correction: Uh, should have used 'dry out' up above, not 'dry up'--not that the change will do me any good.

"Ma'am, I'm sorry you're having trouble reading the menu. But here at the exclusive 'S' restaurant, we cater to a high-tech crowd who appreciates the fact that we only print our menu in UPC bar codes. May I suggest the III.II.IIIIII.I.III?"

"I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. I also have a dream that we might get our fucking appetizers some time this century."

"I'm debating you. Go to your podium, bitch!"

"Do you listen to anything I say?"

George W. Bush:

"Thanks for everything, Mom. This is the best birthday party ever. Everyone who loves me in the whole world is here."

Barbara Bush:

"Shoot me now."

I'm going to announce over this mike what a miserable, frigid bitch you are if you don't quit ignoring me.

While we wait for the others to arrive, let's raise our glasses, if that's what these are, in a toast to the little world we inhabit: a New Yorker cartoon of so little promise that Radosh's disciples will for once be forced to follow the rules of their smug little contest and concentrate on coming up with the worst possible caption. To us, my dear! Two poorly drawn people thrown together in an implausible but far from amusing situation! Is this thing on?

(Routine after-hours role-play at DOMINIC'S )-- "Yes, we have no Banana Liqueur, madame. Sorry, your request gives me a bit of a start ! Bit irregular, no doubt. ...Would you have any problem with 'the cherry' ? ....Yes ? No?"

"Shhh, oh, oh, oh, God, my... mmm my wife's right in front of us, oh, oh, oh jeez....... no, I don't have a napkin.

Dear? Pinot noir okay with you?"

"And the Streep Award for Best Actress In A Leading Role She Didn't Get But Obviously Would Have Killed In, Based On The Talent She Displayed In A Previous Decade, goes to ... Meryl Streep, again, for 'The Duchess'! And then you'll come up and accept the award, and bring me the next envelope. Okay, I'm ready whenever any of the guests arrive."

"The baked Jewfish here is excellent...I mean the Jew."

"The baked Jewfish here is excellent...I mean Jew."

Why does this thing resemble a baby's arm holding an apple? It's really freaking me out.

"Just -- well, as victory's getting closer and closer, we know that we're going to be able to draw down those troops. Send them to Afghanistan, not specifically that, those striker brigades, those troops. We'll have more resources to be able to put into Afghanistan, and start what I believe, and what I believe our commanders have referred to also as, the principles of a surge there also in Afghanistan, in a counter-insurge strategy that should work.*"

*Verbatim answer from Sarah Palin during debate with Joe Biden.

"And in conclusion, I'd like to say this neatly trimmed spear of broccoli makes a lousy microphone."

"Do I hear two? Two dollars for the fish platter?...Yeah, you're right; playing auction with menus after-hours in the Vanderbilt Room is actually pretty lame."

Thank you, dear, for the accurate observation regarding my thinning hair. I'd like everyone here to know that I personally love your plastered-on, trollop-like make-up, and wouldn't dream of refering to you with a four-letter word.

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