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September 22, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #162

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.

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Winner
"...yeah, so if my daughter turns up let me know." —Trotman

Finalists
"on the internet, no one knows you're a snake. well, except for the slow typing and lack of capitalization."—therblig

"What are you talking about? Im out walking my miniature Yorkie. OH HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST! I loved that dog! And now hes gone! Oh, wait, youre right. I did have a pet snake." — Mork

Honorable mention
"My doctor told me laughter was the best medicine...and that I have cancer." —LK

SHAITAN WITH SERPENT: "Go two blocks down and turn right on Maple Street. Four blocks due west will bring you to Fairview Park and there you will find countless wounded laid upon the ground. You may loot and your dog shall feast. Enjoy!" —Eusless Tilley

"Interesting. Thoughtful. Well argued. Still, I'm going to allow my snake to eat your dog." —Charles

"Your dog is remarkably restrained considering there is a large snake prepared to strike at him." —Shawn

"Forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead doggie, doggie! Forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead doggie, doggie! Forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead panic! SNAAAKE, a snaaaaake! Oooooo, it's a snake!" —Damon

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

As Nietzche said, "You go to women? Do not forget the whip!" Anyway, I'll tell mom you said hi.

"It's a snake."

"Yeah, so I rejected my own cartoon this week. That's how bad-ass I am. I'm sorry, what were you saying about my invisible dog? Yes, his invisible worms have cleared up, thanks for asking."

My invisible dog is sniffing your balls. They must be pungent because he is taking his time and wagging his little erect tail.

"...yeah, so if my daughter turns up let me know."

I'm just happy to see you....

My doctor told me laughter was the best medicine...and that I have cancer.

No, I don't know where a snake's pee comes out but your hand is definitely wet.

Snakes are easy pets... Not constricting at all.

______________

Do you know the Top 50 Swing Voters in 2008?

#50 - Hockey Moms
#49 - Godless Hollywood Liberals
#48 - Baristas
#47 - People with STDs
#46 - Pirates
#45 - ???

http://swingvoters.wordpress.com

Unless you've got a mongoose, I suggest you just keep walking.

The weirdest thing is when he scoots on the carpet.

"Forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead doggie, doggie! Forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead doggie, doggie! Forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead forehead panic! SNAAAKE, a snaaaaake! Oooooo, it's a snake!"

"Looks like we are a sample illustration in 'Pointillism for Dummies.' Hey, get your wife...I bet even she will look attractive drawn like this."

"So she says, 'Take the damn dog for a walk!' Now, I know we don't have a dog, but as long I'm obedient she let's me do anal."

"Have you seen my chihuahua?"

"It's a great way to meet exotic women."

"You know how I told you my head fund manager was a real snake? Turns out he was a real snake."

CORRECTION:

"You know how I told you my hedge fund manager was a real snake? Turns out he was a real snake."

"Apparently it's an "Extra-Long, One-Eyed Trouser Snake" -- just like that email promised!"

"And sometimes a snake is just a snake. . . . This would be hilarious if I could remember the rest of the joke."

"I got a little irrationally exuberant when John McCain said the fundamentals of the economy were sound. Thankfully, the snake's poisonous, so if McCain ever changes his mind, I'll just have it bite me."

"You know, I'm not trying to micromanage your finances, but I will tell you my E-Trade savings account runs 8 times the national average so, you know...it's funny - me and the boys were talking about what to do with all this extra coin, and I was like, `I'm renting a snake'. And I did - Squeezer here. And, uh, I really underestimated the creepiness..."

"What you say is very true, except you forget one thing--this ISN'T Vegas ! So I AM worried !"

"AND if I coil him up he's his own frisbee, too."

"So I says, 'Hey, Stanley, whose prosecution launched Richard Nixon's career?' And he says, 'Hiss.' Then I says, 'Hey, Stanley, who was the wackiest Nazi?' And he says, 'Hess.' Then the bartender hits me with a baseball bat and throws us out on the street. Stan looks up at me and says 'Hiss.' Turns out the fucker really can't talk and that Gypsy ripped me off. So that's why I'm gathering up an angry mob to burn down their camp."

"So, you wanna go do some crimes?"

"Your dog is fat."

Rectum?!?!!

"Worse still, I was headed for the hunt !"

"I called him 'Spot', but actually he was covered with a lot of tiny,evenly spaced black dots."

Yeah, he's highly poisonous. Really fucks up your eyes at first.

"My dog has extreme anorexia."

"Yeah, it's sewed into my pants. It's a 'one-eyed trouser snake'. Get it? I bought it at Spencer's Gifts."

"Are you enjoying the acid I sent you for your birthday?"

"Well my broker is E.F. Hutton and he says fuck you and your little dog too."

Do you have the antivirus? I am about to die.

Yikes. "antidote."

And now, as I type a correction to a fucking anti-caption, I become that which I despise.

"Pressure hose ! High pressure garden hose, dimwit ! Cripes, dog lovers !"

"I brought along a snake that looks vaguely like a leash. Do you mind?"

"As you can see, I have replicated you perfectly, human. Prepare to mate."

" Pshaw, 'rat terriers' ! I'll go with my King Snake any day !"

I am recording the average rectal temperatures of pets and their owners. The results, or course, are completely confidential.

I am recording the average rectal temperatures of pets and their owners. The results, or course, are completely confidential.

"Thank God no black people are here to see this."

"Yeah, well your doesn't look like a dog either, asshole."

Slytherin. I assume that's a Gryffindog?

"Do you know the difference between a pet dog and a wild snake? Turns out, not lipstick. That's for sure."

His name is Monty. Monty Cobra.

My ex got the dog, but I'll be damned if I'll give up this leash.

Ever since the wife saw my craigslist ad about me wanting to "fondle a big black snake".

"Have you seen Nigel? This is just his skin."

(Note: this cartoon would have more possibilities if the snake had clearly just eaten something. Or someone.)

"Excuse me. I couldn't help noticing your pet snake has that stray dog in a death grip."

"I tried to use my snake as a belt, but he bit my dick through my jeans. And I was all `ahhhh! I'm dying', and I knew I needed the poison sucked out in order to live, but my friend who was with me at the time said `You gonna die', and then there was the joke that went like that. Anyhow, the dog looks stupid and now I'm done trying to make a good bad caption because that makes no sense anyhow

"Yeah Ms. Mendelhson is always giving me the evil eye too, but then maybe I shouldn't be pissing in her flower bed!"

"The tree to my right is the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. My snake says it's ok for your dog to urinate on it."

"It's a combination cobra garden hose and I control it's poison spray with a spigot in my hand and I don't much like how you are staring at me.'

"No, I don't have a dog. That was my wife. Can you help me find her?"

"My snake could swallow your dog or I could swallow your dog or your dog could swallow you or the snake could consume its tail and me with it or some combination therein and life would go on much as before."

(anonymous captions above are from
M Drucker)

"It's a very rare ornamental tree, so my very, very rare dog was guarding it."

"No, feeding him Thursday is out. How about running over him with my car — is running over him with my car good for you?"

"Did you see a dotted terrier go by ?"

"Excuse me sir, could you spare a few minutes to give me an enema?"

"Yeah, WELL SO IS YOUR FACE!"

"My dog's actually busy right now; he's in another New Yorker cartoon where he's bringing slippers and a pipe to his owner. It's supposed to be funny, I guess."

"Yeah, this guy just offered me a tree for my dog. You know me, I'm never one to turn down a tree."

Oh, this? Why it's a humorous prop that I carry around with me to succinctly illustrate a quirky, tepidly funny observation about the mundane lives of the middle to upper class, largely Caucasian readers of a condescending, eponymous periodical published in a major American metropolis. Is that your dog?

on the internet, no one knows you're a snake. well, except for the slow typing and lack of capitalization.

"I have been searching for 'Lucifer' since September 8. We were renting a house....which caught fire."

"...so by now this asshole is yelling out 'fuck you,' so that everyone in the fuckin' store can hear. I just remember thinking, 'ain't no way is this fuckin' asshole gonna disrespect me like that.' So I run up to this prick and punch him right in the fuckin' stomach. My wife's tryin' to hold me back all this time, bless her soul, but by now I'm too worked up; I mean I'm really sockin' this guy in the fuckin' stomach. But out of fuckin' nowhere, this fuckin' cocksucker kicks my dog square in the fuckin face. Turns out, this asshole's wearing steel toe boots! So after the cops show up, and my wife uses our vacation money to bail me out of jail, I see that this dog is really fuckin' bleeding bad. I mean BAD. Like he just OD'd on coke or some shit. So my wife is telling me to take the fuckin' thing to a vet, but I'm all like, 'fuck that shit,' and I throw him in a dumpster. Then, I get home and realize that when my daughter gets home from school, she'll wonder where the fuckin' dog is. So now I gotta go all the way to fuckin' Petco and get a new dog, which explains the empty dog collar."

"I've been searching for 'Lucifer' since September 8. We were vagrantly occupying a foreclosed property when a fire broke out.-- Brother, can you spare a ..er, well, a quarter ?"

"I just unleashed the power of my HP ProLiant. and HP BladeSystem infrastructure. And if your dog craps on my lawn I'll kill you."

"Our life savings, and now 'Freddy'!"

"And it gets worse ! Our house burned Sept. 8 ! 'Lucifer' got loose ! Living out of public restrooms since ! ..Whole parallel universe, seems like."

"You may have missed her. She was small AND dotted."

The best thing about living in a neighborhood that's made out of quilted toilet paper is that if you want to dry off your snake you need only take him for a walk.

"The bow-wow here is unseen."

"Just one walk through Chinatown and he was gone."

"Has your dog been spayed? It has? Then now it will be sprayed, since I'm walking my garden hose."

"...and talk about all the pollen!"

"I thought you were supposed to bring a couple of midgets."

"Some people just carry their keys, some use a key fob or a retractable chain. In my insecurity of my lack of manhood I..."

"Bob.. that lazy eye crawlin' on your nose is really weirdin' me out!"

"Dude! Wasssssup?!?"

"As you can see by the tire tracks on my suit, I was just run over by a car. This is my small intestine."

"Why do you ask?"

"You aspwipe!"

"Don't know how I did it, but I set a world record for the world's longest turd. And it's STILL coming out."

"Beckwith, there is no casual Friday for pet walkers. Not in Greenwich."

"That crook Paulson is full of shit."

No, you're not imagining it. I've got a pet snake, which I'm taking out for a walk. So fuck you, you miserable mammal-owning snooty bastard.

No, you're not imagining it. I've got a pet snake, which I'm taking out for a walk. So fuck you, you miserable mammal-owning snooty bastard.

I'm so poorly drawn that I'm not sure what I'm up to. Something absurdly humorous, I'm sure.

I opened a can of peanuts and out popped this snake!

Mankoff? More like Wankoff, I'd say. Who's he blowing to keep his job?

I'm walking my trouser snake. What does it look like?

"Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun."

"So you want to fuck me or my wife? We both think you're hot."

"Elementary, Batson ! Curmudgeonly old gentleman out walking his dog--unoiled spring sticks open--dog tears off--curmudgeonly old gentleman cries 'fu..' er, cries 'dash it all', swears off canines on the spot, and bolts for home. ..Elementary."

"Oh, 'real FROGS in imaginary gardens'! Sorry ! I thought Marianne Moore said it was the GOOF'S job to create unreal DOGS in REAL gardens. So sorry !"

"Bet you never saw a bunny on a leash before, did you, Herm ? Bunny on a leash. Ayuh ! Say hello to Harvey, won't you Herm ? That's his name- Harvey. Strange your dog...now cut..Harvey,go on, cut that out!"

"I suppose you think you're better than me, don't you, cunt?"

I'm a chiropractor, so naturally I'm only entitled to half a caduceus.

"Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss."

What are you talking about? Im out walking my miniature Yorkie. OH HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST! I loved that dog! And now hes gone! Oh, wait, youre right. I did have a pet snake.

"When the Ourobouros devours its own tail, the Universe will tear itself asunder, and the cycle of renewal and rebirth shall begin again. I think that's more impressive than heeling."

"They make great pets but you should see the hissy fit when I try to give him a bath."

"If he pees on my tree again, you won't know what hit you."

"Wife put it up my asshole at our nooner. I just haven't wanted to take it out."

"I'm experiencing some technical problems today, so the visibility of my dog (and the sharpness of this picture in general) will be somewhat impaired."

"We're pointless."

"Do you realize how stupid you look when you're walking your dog and carrying his shit with you in a plastic bag? If someone from another planet came down and saw that, what would they think? They'd think "the dog's in charge and that guy's a douchebag," that's what. Not me. They see me and they think, "that bad-ass has a pet serpent, or a really long dick." Either way, I'm good.

"Whippet. Whippet good."

"Hey, have you tried the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil? My snake keeps telling me it's really good."

"So, O.K., call me 'cognitively dissonant', go on--but this is the best way I came up with to protest another blown call by the refs against 'the Saints' in Denver: 'out a pooch' -- 'out to lunch' ! ....Frigin' refs !"

"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" -- "To the curious incident of your dog on the lawn."-- "My dog does nothing on the lawn." -- "That is the curious incident."

"I'm sorry Skippy bit your dog. He was just playing. Well, come on Skippy, time to go. Be a good flea."

"I'm taking my snake for a walk. In other words, I am masturbating."

"I've really enjoyed playing jump-rope with you and your dog."

"And it gets worse ! My house burned Sept. 8 ! The dog ran off ! Living out of public restrooms since ! (So yeah, met Larry Craig !!) .... Whole parallel universe, seems like. ..You're looking at my last worldly possession." (New, improved version)

"And, so yes, I am better than you--and so you had better step to one side if you do not wish my pet constrictor, 'Sneaky', to encoil you and your mutt worse than 'the Laocoon and sons' by Polidorus of Rhodes."

"Have you noticed how ownerssss often resssssemble their petssss?"

"Living on a cloud is great until your dog eats one too many Snausages."

"A Dob'mann heeling is like a Palin reas'ning in the hinterlands. It is not done well; but you are surprised to see it done at all. .......What the hey !"

"...and 'Willie' only escaped alone to tell them !"

"Please, Daniel, don't talk to me about your 'technical problem' when I have a garden hose stuck up my ass and a nuclear mushroom cloud in my backyard."

"You've misplaced your umbilical cord? Frankly, that strikes me as careless."

"Pilgrim, know ye not that thou art tethered to Dull Care, shaped as it seems as a Dull Dog? As a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump, purge ye out therefor Dull Care, Dull Dog and ye shall be a New Lump in the eyes of Dog. God! I meant God!! (well, shoo. guess I'm damned. Um!)"

"Her name's Gert and for a hypothetical dog, you wouldn't believe the amount of shedding and the chewed furniture. Gosh!"

SHAITAN WITH SERPENT: "Go two blocks down and turn right on Maple Street. Four blocks due west will bring you to Fairview Park and there you will find countless wounded laid upon the ground. You may loot and your dog shall feast. Enjoy!"

"It's licorice, quite possibly my last choice for a candy treat. But it's 9' long and that's some darn long licorice."

"Oatmeal. I feed it oatmeal. But then I feed everbody, everyTHING oatmeal at all times. Hold still!"

"I traded our family dog for a magic hose! Fella says I take this home, hook 'er up to the spigot and boom-bada-bing, out comes lemonade, nickles, pork gravey--whatever I think of! I'm set for life!"

"Plug me into that tree there, the sapling that resembles an anorexic thermonuclear explosion. Then just watch me! Ha, ha, ha, haaa!"

"Farnsworth, OF COURSE you're dreaming, and YES, as usual, the snake represents a penis. Oh, and don't bother coming into work after you wake up because you'll be fired. And yes, I'm your worst nightmare BLA BLA BLA"

"I'm a fucking snake coil salesman, what did you think?"

"Frankly Jim, I find your stand-off-ishness around my pet snake a little puzzling because your wife was just the opposite. She couldn't stop stroking it and giving it endearing names. You might say she was a real 'snake charmer.' You might even say that she loved my snake."

"Really, another one? How long will the unexplained disappearances of infant children from our neighborhood go on?"

"Whenever I hear the word culture I reach for my python. I'll reach for my revolver if those Blackwater assholes ever show up here like they did in New Orleans after Katrina."

"I like your dog. I want to make love to its face."

"Thank goodness there are still a few people in this world who know the only rational response to the sustained, systemic rape of working people by corporate criminal masterminds and their inbred regime puppets."

"Remember that discussion you and I had last month when I said that any absurd situation is inherently funny? Well, I was wrong."

"Have you seen my dog?"

"You should see my wife."

"I knew I'd forgotten something - I meant to change into casual clothes to walk the dog."

"He always wants to be let loose in the girls shower room."

"Oh, we call that one the 'Tres Riches Heures du Duc de Berry' tree because of its resemblance to one in the illuminated medieval manuscript. ....I am not a practical man myself, of course."

"We call it the 'Giotto Tree' because it looks like a god damned stage prop ! I mean, give us some dimensions, O.K. ?! You know -- length, height....breadth !"

"Oh, the gimp is always chewing through his leash."
--
"It's a metaphor for the long, dark tangle of existence. I like people to know I went to grad school."
--
"This empty leash? It's here to distract you from the sniper across the street."
--
"I think that tree is following me."

It's a CDO - Collarized Dog Obligation. I get the benefits of owning a dog without the risks of it pissing on the rug or eating my shoes.

"Pardon me. Do you know any one needing help with a leverage buy out? We have experience. Until very recently, my snake and I worked on Wall Street."

"Have you seen a humongous dog anywhere ? On grounds of animal cruelty, I finally persuaded next door neighbors to have me walk him for the first time since January 2...but now he has gotten clean away. O.K., not so much clean, though. In fact their whole place stinks devilishly and needs to be burned down today, if not three weeks ago ! ...No ? Well, thanks ! Have a nice day !"

"For a protest of upper-middle class penurization and loss of emolument in today's economy, what more fitting symbol, Hutchinson ? ..A lost, even foreclosed 'Dalmation', is the only inference."

"Yes, I am heading for Washington, D.C. later this morning to begin regulating."

"Oh, yeah? Well at least I have a tree!"

"blah blah GINGER blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah GINGER blah blah blah blah blah..."

Well, it looks like our cartoonist was not only too drunk to not bother drawing in my dog, he actually submitted it to the New Yorker that way. But get this: it turns out they were too dumb to be able to distinguish a clever cartoon from this unfinished garbage and put it up as a "Caption Contest". As luck would have it, we're even in Daniel Radosh's Anti-Caption Contest as well. So maybe it all worked out for the best -- I mean, if the cocksucker had drawn a dog, it would be just another crappy cartoon that nobody gave a second look. Or maybe on a greeting card. One of the 99 cent ones that suck.

Interesting. Thoughtful. Well argued. Still, I'm going to allow my snake to eat your dog.

"Yes, he was a 'mutt', but he was a cute 'mutt', and I miss him so, but the adoption has been finalized and there is nothing to be done. I suppose it's for the best, though. 'Freddy' will have eight or nine backyards to run about in off leash--maybe more !! Well, I wish Mrs. McCain wouldn't be saying all how she got 'Freddy' from the S.P.C.A., though. ....None of this has really sunk in yet."

I wish this thing in my hand had been rendered by a competent artist.

I made it from a kit, how about yours.

"No, 'Sneaky' is not for purposes of self-protection. As has well explained in the local pap.. er, that is, by a neighboring web-page link, an incident of black-on-white violence is well nigh impossible (wholly unheard of !) within such a gated and exclusive community as our own. -- I don't know, he is just somehow so....'strangely compensatory' ?"

"It is canines, it is canines endure. 2)Poor 'nemic duty wormed my muscles through-- 3)Ruse of my hands reminding me of scores. 4) What single pooch from this long fealty cures ? 5)What tension now might one old 'Ralph' renew ? 6)It is canines, it is canines endure."

I ain't afeared a the dark, I ain't afeared of you, and I ain't afeared of the zookeepers yer thinkin a callin, cause they won't be the first.

"He has separation anxiety: his mom was a real bitch."

"I keep him in fighting condition so he'll be prepared to properly asphyxiate my wife, or others in my life, when the time comes. But certainly not your dog."

Why no, sir, my imaginary dog doesn't bite! Heh heh. Little does he know it's not my imaginary dog..

well done Gary L.

No, thanks. Brownie here is perfectly capable of sniffing his own ass.

"Unlike your unpatriotic dog, my dog is in Washington, where he's needed. He's suspended all romping and barking until the crisis is over."

"Right ! O.K., simple terms : Bill Clinton no longer has a 'dog in the hunt', see -- so he's saying all this nice, 'retard' stuff about Sarah Palin now. Follow me here, this stunt here 's to show Clinton's 'dogless', 'no dog in the hunt', see --and worse yet, Bill's reduced mornings to walking his frigin' dog around the block, if he even had one--which he DOOOONNNNNN't ! ......One hitch, however. I forgot the 'Clinton mask' this morning."

Yes, I have to walk him. I THOUGHT that when I bought an invisible dog it would take invisible shits, but no.

"I love walking with my life partner- since we're both lawyers."

"Your poor snake will choke on that big dog. I started Fang here on chihuahuas."

"This is the weirdest production of 'Parsifal' I've ever appeared in."

"The hoses here are obscene."

"Yes... it is a trouser snake. It should turn you on, Robert. Dang!!! I got it on backwards, don't I?!?"

So what I do is, I walk around with this leash at night. No one can see that I don't have a dog attached to it. Then, when the coast is clear, I take a huge dump in someone's yard. Long story short, I am saving tons on my water bill.

Yes, times are tough. And yes, I ate my dog. And yes, he was delicious. But no, I am not going to give you and your dog more than a 10-second head start. 10... 9... 8... I'd start running if I were you.

"We suspended the walk so my dog could go to Washington and fix the economy. The leash is to remind us all of his heroic sacrifice."

"The vet gave me some Viagra to straighten him out, and I've been walking erect ever since."

"It was a long day at the orifice."

No, its a real snake. Is that a rubber dog?

"Damn, why'd we have to be drawn by such a faggot?"

(At a Cord-Controlled,Remotely Operated Disparate Species Showdown)-- "You know how to tussle, don't you ? You just get your grips together and show !"

re: the caption several 'slots' higher saying Bill Clinton doesn't have a dog -- I think whoever said this was being cruel and inaccurate because I happen to know--from Wikipedia, yes--that Clinton does have a dog named 'Seamus', a 'Labrador'....presumably, still alive (I can't know everything !) .. So please ? ....But has 'Bill' been saying 'retard' stuff about Sarah Palin ? ....well, YEAH !

Our choice of pets is ironic considering that you married the snake and I married the bitch.

Which implement would make a better garrote for those asshole terrorists on Wall Street and in e.g. the Treasury Department and White House? Your dog leash or my garden hose?

Sssss Hello sss Doggie, don't lisssten to your massster. Eat from the kitchen table of knowledge.

Yeah? Well, who wears short-sleeve button downs?

Yeah? Well, who wears short-sleeve dress shirts?

"Gee, thanks, Bill ! Hey, I sure was sorry to hear Freddy was run over like that ! Say, you may recall what Francis Bacon said, 'He that hath wife and children hath given hostages to fortune.' Well, you can always be proud of Freddy's performances at The Special Olympics....and you may rest assured I'll put this to some use. Thanks !"

"It's not that I don't wish to DEBATE with you, my friend [since I'm the most argumentative 'son'bitch' to ever come down the pik. er, limited-access, gated-community thoroughfare, that is ]-- but I have more weighty and important matters to take up at this critical moment....than you, my friend, apparently do ...dressed in that breezy and habitually casual coatless-and-tieless style of yours ! Let me tell you, my friend, I was once a 'punk'... but i GREW UP ! .. So excuse me, I'm heading for Washington, our nation's capitol."

"I can see you're new in Charminville. That's a pretty small bear you've got! Have you seen mine, by the way? I took Flumpy off his leash to use the ass-rubbing tree here, and he seems to have run off. Oh, nevermind! There he is, raping your wife."

It's just easier. He's his own leash.

"My adder wiener dog plays with himself because he relishes it."

"Hey, Wanna trade?"
"Hmm, yours seems like a bigger bitch than mine"

"No, you bozo! It's a genetically modified whip"

"Who said anything about a cat? I asked if you saw my pussy anywhere."

"'You never take me anywhere. You never take me anywhere.' I tell ya, it was driving me out of my mind."

"Slipped her collar. 'The Call of the Dog-Park', don't you know !"

"I told the wife to get me a loose suit and a tight collar--so what does the idiot do ?!"

"He was 'haunted by the feces of their rectums'. Jeezum, dogs !"

"No, I never did ask if you have 'ho' connections !! I said our water's off for non-payment, so I need a good spigot for this poor tree, that set us back $750.00 . ....It's dry."

"I'm walking Schrodinger's dog."

"Thanks for bringing him over - my snake is really hungry. I am too, come to think of it."

"I see you have a dog."

Your dog is remarkably restrained considering there is a large snake prepared to strike at him.

"Is it okay if my snake sniffs your dog's butt?"

"Is it okay if my snake sniffs your dog's butt? And by 'your dog,' of course, I mean your daughter."

Let me just amend that and then I'm done:

"Is it okay if my snake sniffs your dog's butt? And by 'your dog,' of course, I'm subconsciously referring to your daughter."

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