July 28, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #156

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"This group is for overcoming poppy-dependency. You two meth-heads need to go next door." —therblig

"Judy please don't be upset, but this isn't the Wizard of Oz cast reunion your friends told you it was. We're actually here to discuss your barbiturates addiction." —Trotman

"Sounds like those three times were the only moments she had her heels together." — Damon

Posted by Daniel Radosh


We should all agree right now - what happens in the Emerald City stays in the Emerald City...

"This is the Upper West Side. So can we all agree that we're not in fucking Kansas anymore."

"I'm confused...is `yellow brick road' a metaphor for anal sex?"

"No, Dorothy, it's not unusual to dream about other members of the group. Stan and Brenda, will you two shut the fuck up?"

"Did anyone else binge this week on Elton John's new ice cream?"

"This group therapy is bullshit, Gladys, I think I have more engrams now than when we started. If only there were some organization or set of practices that could really help us get rid of our body thetans in a complicated, scientific, and expensive way!"

"I'll create a diversion. You grab that guy's axe and start swinging."

"Und zo ve see de ving-ed monkies are no more zan ze normal reaction of ze mind to ze zocietal dizlocations of ze Great, unclinical, heh-heh, Depression und ze continuing efforts by Zenators Taft und Lodge to derail ze efforts of President Rozenfelt to eztabilish a modern, mass democracy. For vy did Frank Baum write about zis in the 1890s? Because he ist a magical pixie from space, dot's vy."

"Yes, we were all touched by the wizard, Steve, but WHERE, exactly, did he touch you?"

"I think Dr. Fuenke is a banana-grabber."

I suppose I should have expected this from a cosplay withdrawal group, but next time people, street clothes please.

"Sounds like those three times were the only moments she had her heels together."

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain - he's filming these sessions for blackmail purposes.

"Welcome to Otaku Film Club. Let me guess, two of you didn't watch this week's movie?"

[Translated from the Japanese by Jay Rubin]

"The bad news is that you are all about to be sent to a maximum security prison where you will be tattooed, beaten and anally raped for 5-to-10 years. The good news is that it'll all be on TV."

"And Dorothy, Radosh says if you think you're getting paid for posing for the cover of Rapture Ready

, you're out of your fuckin' mind."

My one leg is a penis

"TOTO ! Not DODO, bitch ! ..See, you've traumatized Dorothy's feelings !"

"They must be imposters, all the real actors are dead."

"No, you're wrong - I am a good man. But I'm a very bad psychiatrist. And yes, I mean bad in the sense of 'completely immoral.'"

"There's no place like home, there's no place like home... shit, it's not working - I'm still here with all of you freaks."

If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'm off to bleed the lizard.

"Look, Scarecrow, this is a traditional production of The Wizard of Oz, not 'The Wiz.' I know everyone's feeling that Obama-mania right now, but come on. You just look silly."

"Interesting. So both of you, Bob and Barbara, see the painting to my right as an enormous distended nipple. How about you, Tin Man?"

" Ah, hem ! 'Pussy' is a word we in a mixed therapeutic community always like to avoid, Mr. Calus. Please !"

"Don't worry about the hourglass running out of sand. The session's only 50 minutes."

"Tinman, I'm glad you axed that question."

"So now, let me see--which of you has been reporting fears of 'tightened airport security'?"

"I think we're in the wrong support group."

[Caption withheld until artist polishes half-finished drawing.]

"For the last time, Mr.Wheat! Our sprinkler system meets every last specification of the city fire code ! ...So wipe that perpetually disgruntled look off your face and quit bitching !"

"Everything turns to rust, especially the Tin-man."

"We all have our crosses to bear, Mr. Strohmann . You yourself during the present campaign season feel that you have been unfairly pestered by various polling organizations. Dorothy, on the other hand...."

Well, of course it's a straw man argument.

"Isn't can's ass redundant?"

"....clams she's not really hungry, just got the munchkins."

"I recognize everyone except you and the chrome-dome with the goatee."

"Oh, sorry, of course - Margaret Hamilton - I thought you said Margaret Dumont."

"Christ, did you even read the ad? It's 'ID' -- the Wizard of ID."

"Speaking of Lions and Tigers and Bears. If we discuss sex, Dorothy's parents will have us arrested and sue for millions. After we get out of prison we'll be destitute and labeled as child predators, oh my.

"Frank Morgan hasn't aged well."

"Susan, I don't think we're in Narnia anymore."

"That's it, that's it ! We're either going to have to put a muzzle on SOMEONE, or a 'depends' on someone ELSE. ..I'm not mentioning names."

"According to this scarecrow, real estate prices in Munchkinland are dirt cheap right now. Even with the cost of the renovations we'd have to make to any property to be able to stand up straight without hitting our heads on the ceiling, I think it would still be a huge savings overall. And the commute is only five minutes by tornado."

"I didn't know we were supposed to wear our costumes to the read-through. I'm so embarrassed."

"Shut up, you two."

"Let's catch our breath, I need to summarize. Lion feels cowardly, Tin-Man thinks he has no heart, Scarecrow is brain-dead, and Dorothy just wants to go home, which I'll allow because of the law."

This group is for overcoming poppy-dependency. You two meth-heads need to go next door.

" 'Little pussy', 'big pussy'! Equally traumatizing, whoever the target, Mrs. Smidgeon !"

“Flying monkeys, huh? The kind that fly out my butt?”

"Quick, Contance, give me your lighter, I'll set fire to scarecrow, watch him dance. This quack ain't no Gabriel Byrne."

"Dorothy claims he fought her with one hand behind his back and the other inside her pants."

"Scarecrow, do you consider yourself animal or vegetable?"

"Honey, I think we're in the wrong place. This is the support group for people who can't get a heart on."

"Whine whine here, moan moan there, don't even stop to pause. That's how we at-tend ther-a-py in the Merry Old Land of Oz!"

"I think you misheard. The sex therapist is saying it's natural to take up Baum."

"Key provision of The Patriot Act, that's what! Under penalty of fine, and possible incarceration, my evaluation must not consider which of you 'airport drifters' represented, or may in the future represent, the greater risk to airline safety ! .. Dorothy, care to begin ?"

"When we get home, I wanna show you my winged monkey, fuck you like a tornado, and munch your kin."

"If you are reading this letter, it means that I, Toto, am dead. I leave my entire fortune to to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. The rest of you losers get bupkis."

"We're of no use to you, Bill and Ted. We are all fictional characters."

"We're of no use to you, Bill and Ted. We are all fictional characters."

now that my entire council of evil has arrived we can begin the meeting

"Where are Harold and Kumar?"

"This meeting of the Illuminati is now in session."

"Judy O.D.'d on the toilet 40 years ago and these other alter kakers have long since croaked from the usual clogged arteries. I think we must be dead."

"70's office furniture. Very telling."

"So, what I'm hearing is that the Tin Man feels empty inside, the Lion has body image problems, and the Scarecrow feels he has no real weight in this world. Maybe we should get into Dorothy's abandonment issues"

"So wait, how did you 'accidentally' get addicted to opiates?"

Stop harping on the wizard! The only one who can fix your problems is you. With me facilitating at $100 a head per session.

Hold out your paw Lion. Good now close it. Yes! That is how we will crush them!

"I am in therapy to take care of some emotional trama associated with a Baum scare. You?"

"OH! THE WITCH'S ASS! I thought you said you 'liquidated the Bitch's assets!'... Well, you DO need a lawyer either way!"

"Why is C. Everett Koop here? I don't like this acid trip anymore!"

"Hey... take notes for me... I have to take a Wiz."

He's right. I have been following my jaundiced dick down this road. The only road I've ever known.

"Why is Alan Greenspan here?"

"Yes, it does rather concern me how the dirty old creep keeps undressi.. er, addressing Dorothy as 'you little cutesy pie' in that oily voice. I mean, analysis ain't free, you know !"

"My name is Quincy Magoo, and I'm an alcoholic."

"Psst, Peter ! Isn't she just the most precious little girl ? ..If only you weren't so totally damned impotent Viagra couldn' ....O.K., 'Freud' here said 'shut-up'."

I wish he would draw the blinds ...better.

"O.K., already ! We'll adopt--no one else claiming. But I won't have that mutt ! You know I'm allergic ! ...Doc's saying 'shut-up'."

"These sessions are much more interesting now. You know, with the bong hits and 'Dark Side of the Moon' playing. Hey, did I just say something?"

"You frigin' blind, honey ?! You know damn well 'Heavy Hand' Dernavich could never have fathered such a sweet little kid ! ....Get real !"

"So you all admit to being a 'friend of Dorothy," but none of you will cop to being gay."

"Psst ! I thought Kissinger was advising McCain. And look, with that thick foreign drawl of his, this could run up a bill !"

"The DNA test shows that Dorothy was penatrated by nearly all of you. And the child she's carrying is... Can I have a drum roll, somebody?"

"Can someone draw us better please? For all I know, the guy next to Dorothy is Deputy Dawg, and those two people in front of me are from the future."

I swear to God that little girl is on my milk carton.

Woman: "O.K, but I do know Drew Dernavich had a hand in this somewhere...maybe that 'artwork' on the wall ?" Group Therapist: "Hey, shut up, already !"

"So what I seem to be hearing from the group is that even though everyone got their heart's desires they still feel more or less empty and unfullfilled. Is that a fair assessment? What a surprise eh? You didn't see that what coming, eh? Tin man? Strawman? What's a mattah, Lion, ya gutless wonder!"

I could get a hug for that insight? Dorothy? Straw man?"

"Aunty Em, would you please ask your obviously gay companion to stop ogling the Tin-Man. He's creeping out the whole group."

"I think I'm getting a hemorrhoid, too! That's just weird."

"I'm going to tape his mouth shut, you beat him to a bloody pulp. No lion'll turn down an easy meal."

"Since I'm a stuffed shirt, I'm resonating with the Scarecrow. As for the rest of you, I said GO!"

Let's cut things short. John Wayne Gacy is my next follow-up and I'm actually looking forward to it.

"Hello, my name is Henry Kissinger. Tonight, we're here in the Oval Office with Dick and Pat Nixon. Some people believe President Bush has lost touch with reality. First, I'll ask Hillary to tell us what Toto thinks about Bill's scarecrow disguise. Then it's Obama's turn to axe the next question. Finally, McCain can huff and puff until he blows up again."

"Honey, I don't think he's a real therapist."

My dear, why are you so pitifully afraid? Immortality has been the dream, the inspiration of mankind through the ages. And I am going to give you immortality!

"To sum up, then: Dorothy is 'delinquent'; Scarecrow is 'destroyed'; the marrieds are 'Detroit'; Tinman's 'delayed'--to say the least; and Lion is 'delicate'--to say no more, okay. ..Is that the order ?"

"I'll be blunt. The Wizard of the Federal Reserve needs your help to bail out this lion's investment bank."

"You're probably saying to yourself, the ad said the girl was of marriageable age, and that girl is awfully young. Well, thank god we're in international waters. Let's start the bidding"

"Ma'am, you can't be Mr. Black. If I let you be Mr. Black, then everybody'll want to be Mr. Black. So you're Mr. Whore."

"I'm tired of listening to this. Can he hook us up with opium from the poppies or not?"

"Oh my god, if he only had a brain!"

"I could wile away these sessions
Hearing psychos give confessions
'Bout the voices in their heads
Although I'm just fakin'
I wouldn't mind the time it's takin'
If I only had some meds

I mean "while away the sessions"

"I thought you said this was a meeting of the National Socialist Party."

Can we agree that at this year's OzFest there will no munchkins biting off bat heads?

" All yee in favor of renaming "THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD" .... to the "INCONTINENT COWARDLY LION MEMORIAL FREEWAY" please raise your hand (or paw)! "

Lois, I told you our sex life is fine. These people are really fucked up

"I'm sorry. I had the refried beans in the cafeteria."

"Well, they did warn us not to take the brown acid."

"And pay no attention to the little man behind the blinds."

Ok, let me recap: a brain, a heart, uh, da noive, a home, quit smoking, and orgasms. Is that everyone?

"Now, when I asked for a Tic-Tac before the session began, are you sure you didn't pass me one of your meds? Because I have to be honest, I'm tripping balls here."

"Boy, the state of mental health care in America is worse than I thought."

"I don't like this session. I don't like it here. I want out. Please, let's go. Please, Jenny. I'm not comfortable. Please. Oh god...do you...smell that? Someone just pissed themselves! Please? NOW?"

"It was my idea to stage an all-white version of 'The Wiz'."

"Before you got here, Glinda called Dr. Goldstein a Jew retard and made fun of his accent before storming out. Good witch, my ass. "

"In another minute, a whole lot of flying monkies will emerge from my butt. It's a trick I learned from a Uruguayan Shaman. In the meantime, the topic is dream vacations. Discuss amongst yourselves!"

"When I tap my heels three times you will remember nothing."

'You may know me as Alan Greenspan, but did you know I once tried out for the part of Toto?"

"Here at the psychodrama Institute of Oz we believe in healing not cures. Now I understand we have some witch and monkey killers amongst us? And maybe some cowards, retards, autistic types and runaways as well?

"I'm the Wiz. Nobody beats me! I'm the Wiz. Ha ha ha!"

"This is the worst production of 'Krapp's Last Tape' since the Muppets'"

"Wow! Dr. Schlichtor can really hold those high notes!"

"I'm mostly here because it's just up the block from my favorite Arby's."

"Those diplomas to the right of the window? I drew them! I dipped my weiner in egg termpra and drew them!"

"That perfect embouchure of his would be a perfect fit for my you-know-what."

"Today Dorothy is going to explain why she blames you all for her agoraphobia."

"Let's take a break and go to the movies. Anybody need to take a wiz?"

We really need to get better wheel chairs. You know, the kind that actually have wheels.

"And Dorothy, when Tin Man called you a 'moping, doe-eyed bitch,' how did that make you feel?"

"Believe it or not, these days, I can't get wood most of the time."

"You see? We all struggle with the same things: needing to find our way, to be accepted for who we are, what 'home' means to us, and freakishly bright colorization."

"Dorothy, I know sometimes you feel like you're the only one in the world with ruby slippers you just can't pull off, but really, you're not alone."

"I have fantasies about Dorothy sometimes. I'm probably the only guy who has, right?"

After our suicide bombing of the Nebraska State Fair, the world will fear the power of Hamoz.

I'm haunted by the faces of my victims.

"Yes, you are all speechless, aren't you! You hear the voice of Scarecrow in your minds! When the Wizard gave me a Bachelor's degree instead of the brain I asked for, it was all I needed to get in to Baylor College for grad school. There I began my quest to clone the ultimate brain, one that could control the latent psychic powers that have lain dormant inside man and scarecrow since the dawn of time. And like Prometheus stealing fire from the gods, I've finally succeeded. 'How about a little fire, Scarecrow?', indeed. That's why I've brought you here: to exact my revenge. On you, Dorothy, for letting Toto urinate on me at night! And on you, Jenny and Steve, for being such shitty lab partners and making me do all the work. And on you, Professor Gruber, for giving me a C in Gross Anatomy! You're the one who's gross! I'm not leaving here until I make someone's head explode. Trust me on that one. Terrified, yet? No, don't close your mouth. Don't even look at me. I haven't given you permission."

"O.K., yeah ! 'Dottie' is looking better and better every week ! Alright, O.K. ! Least I'm not slabbing 1/4 in. lipstick on the lower lip like some trollop,yeah, rouged-up 1/8 in. like some damn trollop ! Eye-shadow ! ...Yeah, taking a page out of Cindy McCain, most likely !"

"Delusional fantasies involving bestiality, polygamy and cross-dressing?...I love our son as much as you, but will our insurance cover all this?"

Man : "Scarecrow 'evil eyes' Lion for minutes, so Lion (natch!)takes offense...see there, Lion balls his, his fist ...I don't like this..uh-oh...luckily, Tin Man .." Analyst: "Interesting 'free association', Mr. Testorone. .. Dorothy, you're on."

Forget the brain for a minute, scarecrow, what you need is a pair of balls so you can tell Dorothy how you really feel.

"If you two continue with the private conversation the lion is going to 'Roy' your asses. Capiche?"

"If either of you have an idea to help get Dorothy off the smack, perhaps you would like to tell the whole group?"

"Tin man, oil us all down. It's time to get this orgy started!"

"The little bitch has outbid us on every frigin' piece, Harry ! Whozis, Michaela 'Diddly' Jackson, or somethin' ?! ..Harryeeeeee !"

I can't speak for Toto, but I would need a lifetime of therapy after spending a weekend up Richard Gere's ass.

" Next on the agenda is the underwear swap! Scarecrow switch with Tinman, Toto exchange with Lion, and I'll take Dorothy's thong. "

"Know what? Not only is he really dead, he's truly most sincerely dead."

"In view of last week's totally revolting confessions, I feel it may be therapeutic to actually raise 'castration anxiety' in a number of you freaks ! ..Mr. Parsons, you should really change chairs with your wife, sit next to my TIN MAN ! ... Scarecrow--forget it with Mrs. Parson ! Disgusting ! Hands off--TIN MAN will be waaatchhiiiig ! ..Now who else ? O.K., Dorothy, you're clear ! .. Oh, yes, and you, too, of course, Mr. 'no balls' Lion !"

"So, Dorothy, your best friend in Oz was a girl who was raised as a boy unaware of his sex but after his adventures in defeating a mass of militant girls was himself turned back into a girl, transforming from an angelic child to a spitfire glamour-girl during the time you knew her? Right? OK, and why exactly did you sign up for therapy?"

"I haven't seen you here before. How long have you been a sexaholic?"

"Boy, when it comes to trust falls, the Lion can't take a joke."

So, is this guy on my right Professor "axe"?

“I’m seeing straw brains trying to coerce tin cans into whacking chicken shit.”

"Actually, I never saw that movie. Is it similar to Mystic River?"

"This chair is really digging into my back! How come he always hogs the only good one?!"

"Please stop talking, you two. This is a circle for a ritual sacrifice, not an afternoon tea social."

"Did I hear that right? They 'melted' some old crazy women and got sent to anger management? That's some good fucking lawyer!"

They probably just look weird to you 'cause this is the book version, not the movie version.

"They finally found Toto, washed ashore at Montauk Point. He was almost unrecognizable."

"They're suffering from Post-Traumatic Shoe Disorder."

"Do you think this Dr. Oz is a humbug?"

" The board has finally approved Mr.Tinman's WD-40 enema, to be administered by Dorothy, per his request! "


*No talking. Everyone is paralyzed in fear as Tin Man snaps and threatens to kill everyone in the room with his axe.*

"Judy please don't be upset, but this isn't the Wizard of Oz cast reunion your friends told you it was. We're actually here to discuss your barbiturates addiction."

"I think they just said something about Recreate '39"

"Pssst, Aunt Em. When he wakes up, we'll all hold him down and the Cowardly Lion will pants him. He could use a new pair."

"Honey, is it just me, or does the psychiatrist look an awful lot like a Generation X-haired Alan Greenspan?"

[to the tune of 'One of These Things Doesn't Belong Here'] "Two of these people, don't belong here...two of these people are not - like - the others. Two of these people, don't belong here...'couples with low self-esteem'- that's down the hall."

"It's just that I feel like Tin Man always has an ax to grind."

This, my pet axiom, applies to the Group as a whole, "When you follow the yellow brick road...."...Oh, I'm so sorry, we're out of time, we take this up next week.

That Dorothy's a fag hag.

"Okay Gladys, you made your point. Now maybe I should bring in Donny Osmond and Bobby Sherman and we can talk about repressed urges from your adolescence."

"Sorry, I had a whole lot of beans at lunch."

"Let's just say that it has something to do with 'Kansas vs. Board of Education,' and leave it at that."

Aren't you glad we got the Blu-ray director's cut version of the Wizard? It's totally like we're in the room while he's reviewing the script.

"But above all, what I need to know of my patients is how they cross their legs. That's always sooooooo revealing ! ....Dorothy ?"

"You know the original novel is really quite good. It's earthy, and devoid of slick showbiz irony, and thus quite affecting. It's a pity no one reads it anymore."

"I just don't know,honey ! Mr. Gallup wants to know which 'candidate type' we would prefer to see in The White House next time. Take 'Scarecrow' for starters , don't you think he might be a little too close to what we already got in there ? ...'Cowardly Lion' ? Hell, you just know he'd out-Chamberlain Neville Chamberlain! ....So 'Dorothy' ??"

"Ok. Two of you failed to participate in our "dress-up as an inspirational figure day. The other four, why the ,oh Chrissakes".

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2