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July 21, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #154

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

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Results from guest judge Harry Effron
Winner
"Well, if none of you brought marshmallows and I didn't bring marshmallows then that explains why these marshmallows taste like mice." —TG Gibbon

Finalists
"I don't want to be a spoilsport, guys, but I think this might be a fire hazard. Also, marshmallows cause cancer and the way the sticks are poking through them probably constitutes sexual harassment on some level."— Francis

"Twice now, those pussies in inventory have fucked this up! Who the hell wants a s'more on a fucking triscuit?" —WillM

Honorable mention
"Where'd you guys find this conference table out here in the woods?" —Sam L

"I bet it's just a fire drill" —Erin

"This will send that bastard a message: If you're going to lay us off, at least have the decency to send an armed guard to escort us out of the building."— mypalmike

"I love impulsively roasting marshmallows as much as the next guy, but did we have to kill our boss and set fire to this conference table? Couldn't we have just waited until tonight's annual company marshmallow roast?" — Mo Buck

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

(singing) We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn! Burn, motherfucker, burn!

I guess I can't complain about "Survivor: Investment Banking"...I originally auditioned for "Who Wants to Date my Broke Sorry Ex-banker Ass"...

See? A Jew will burn hot enough to roast marshmallows. Now, who brought the graham crackers?

"As the only one here with a mouth, I feel as if I must say something: 'COOOOOOL!' "

"Seeing as how I'm the only one here with a mouth, I'd like to say that Drew Dernavich guy is one grim motherfucking woodcutter."

Rosen, we're eating your chair next.

"Hey, it's no great loss. This conference table was too damn low, and it only had the two chairs."

"Where did you guys get the sticks?"

"You're right, Johnson. Making s'mores is a much better idea than burning your suit. Sorry about the jacket, though."

"Hmm. Not bad. But you do know the microwave is fixed?"

Damn, Tim H, I owe you a Coke.

"This reminds me of Boy Scout camp, where I first witnessed autofellatio."

"I always thought roasting the V.P. and C.E.O's testicles over a burning board room table would be more......I don't know,...fun?"

"So, headed to the Cape this weekend?"

“Now tell me you can’t taste that cherry flavor.”

"Guys, I didn't want to say anything at first, but... having T.A. Winchler's head on a pike over there is kinda giving me the willies."

"Since the NYPD and FDNY told us to wait inside until the fire is under control and the debris stops falling, we might as well relax. Haha. It's not as if a fire would ever cause a steel and concrete tower to collapse symmetrically on its own footprint, leaving a fine, pulverized dust as in a controlled demolition."

"So this is how the world ends - not with a bang, but with a nice cheery crackling sound."

"You'd think that now, in this fulfillment of my lifelong dream, I could relax and enjoy the moment. But no, even now I'm playing with myself through my left pocket. I tell ya, it's no picnic being Larry David."

"Is the AC working? It feels really hot in here."

"The marshmallows here are obscenely delicious."

"I hope the boss doesn't mind that we burnt his desk."

"Best. Budget. Meeting. Ever."

"As a wilderness retreat, this sucks. But for a weekly staff meeting, it's actually quite exciting."

"Your body thetans have now been purged. That will be $500,000 each."

"It's a shame it took bankruptcy and arson to help us finally coalesce as a team. If the insurance pays out, we really should do this again next year."

"Awfully thoughtful of old Jenkins to spontanously combust and provide us this snack occassion. And to think, he was only a week from retirement!"

"Shit! Here comes Chalmers. Everybody look busy.”

Where'd you guys find this conference table out here in the woods?

Bing, you really know how to make the most of a hostage situation.

"Personally, I like mine completely charred around a white gooey core. Kind of a symbol for our modern day corporate ethos, if you follow me. Oh, by the way, you're all fired!"

"Yeah, I also used to be a bum, riding the rails, doing whatever I pleased whenever I pleased. No one told The Merrimac Surf-n-Turfler what to do. But just like everyone else sooner or later the good times end and the next thing I know I'm CEO of Dell computers. Fate's a bitch."

"This sales meeting reminds me of 'The Road.'"

"I told you no one would go for organic marshmallows. Hope you brainiacs brought an appetite."

"Well, if none of you brought marshmallows and I didn't bring marshmallows then that explains why these marshmallows taste like mice."

"Roasting ice cubes over an open fire ain't half as fun as it sounds...and it don't sound half fun at all."

Scenes from the 2008 Fannie Mae executive board meeting

"Difference was, 9/11 , I wasn't thinking marshmallows."

"I'd hoped everyone would be able to sit around the fire, but it appears that people have removed the rest of the chairs from the conference room again"

"I bet it's just a fire drill"

"Know any good board room songs?"

"And how, my friends, do I know that this terrifying story of a blown quarter is true? Because I WAS THAT SALES REP!"

"It's not the same without the mosquitoes."

"All that 'hot action,' 'sandwich,' 'set the table on fire,' talk was actually a metaphor for sex."

"You see,in the last weeks of General Motors they couldn't afford their own frigin' C.E.O. a table high enough to get his legs under !"

"Prometheus was the best thing to hit corporate America since Forbes."

"Branded--scorned with a coward's shaaaaame! What do you do when you're branded--and you know you're a maaaaaa-a-a-an?!?"

"Burn burn burn the conferenceroomtable / slowly in the conferenceroom / merrily merrily merrily merrily / ivebroughtyouallinheretotellyouyou'refiredbecauseyou'refuckingincompetent." Okay - let's do a round...

And when we're done here, let's remember to exit using the stairs and not the elevator. because the elevator shaft collapsed a few minutes ago.

"This will send that bastard a message: If you're going to lay us off, at least have the decency to send an armed guard to escort us out of the building."

"Look at it this way. If dumbass Dernavich hadn't inked in so much extra for employees' outfits, we'd all be out of luck come winter. ....Cullum....Stevens, we're talking hypothermia !"

We all have to do our part to prove that global warming is a dangerous fiction that the liberal media is pushing on America.

"I don't want to be a spoilsport, guys, but I think this might be a fire hazard. Also, marshmallows cause cancer and the way the sticks are poking through them probably constitutes sexual harassment on some level."

"I sure do love camping."

"Hopefully this fire distracts you from the fact that I'm clearly scratching my balls through my pocket."

"I told you building my desk out of duraflame logs would come in handy."

"What the fuck is this shit? Okay, I know you guys think you're "performance artists" or some bullshit term, but you know what you guys really are? Assholes. Just assholes. You guys are simply destroying a GOOD TABLE for your BULLSHIT art. This is ridiculous. I know what good art is. I sure do. Ever seen the works of Thomas Kinkade? Now THAT is art. You're not artists; you're just a bunch of motherfucking assholes. Get out. Now. Get out. Scram. Now."

"Don't you just know frigin' 'Dd' is paving his way to another line-up ! I mean, arson....vagrancy ?!"

Well, we also replaced the bathroom with an outhouse, in case you were wondering about the smell.

So, you guys as pissed as I am about the Obama New Yorker cover?

My testicles are burning!

"Yeah, I was also a bum, riding the rails, doing whatever I pleased, whenever I pleased. No one told The Merrimac Surf-n-Turfler what to do. No sir! But just like everyone else sooner or later the good times end and the next thing I know I'm McCain's chief economics advisor. Life's a bitch. By the way, nice rack, sugartits."

"Now the tie, Johnson. Dammit, do you want that promotion or not?"

"Twice now, those pussies in inventory have fucked this up! Who the hell wants a s'more on a fucking triscuit?"

"Perkins is a flaming homo. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"Thank you for attending in shirtsleeves, Freddy, for as we all are aware, the importance of proper proportionality as between black and white in any circumstances, even those as threatened as ours have now become, cannot be overemphasized. ....(we who are about to die salute you!)."

(I recommend that whoever is responsible for this implication that the 'Trade Towers' collapsed as a result of 'controlled demolition' be barred from this contest at least two weeks....if not more ! Everybody knows that couldn't POSSIBLY be so !)

"Wait, wait. You're saying that we work for Hershey and we can't scare up some chocolate for some
S'MORES ??"

It's against the law to incinerate people but this chick is HOT!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSP-zBYon4E

I wonder what Dr. Wasserstein is going to do to us this time.

"How the blazes you think I'd know to bring S'Mores ?! Do I look like some camper ?! I was a, well, a 'couch potato', until this..this Bush depression ! .... Frigin' Girl Scouts !"

"Enron's damned get weinies with their undying flames."

"Roasting these marshmallows inside our office is a fucking bad idea."

"Don't mind if I do ! This new New Yorker cover sure was published by one totally stupid, lying son'bitch -- whatzis, David Remnick ?! Well, it's your dumbass, so called liberal eastern media again, out to snatch defeat from 'the laws of victory' ! Yeah, remember how they had Al Gore 'inventing the internet' ?! Total presumptuous 'hacks', the pack of them: Russert, Matthews...... Who kindled the table ?"

"After finishing my snack, I'm going to shoot myself in the head."

"Jenkins, everyone knows your marshmallow's a clip-on."

"This is how we roast marshmallows in Texas, motherfucker!"

"This sucks."

"Who says 'whites only' in New Yorker cartoon, corporate boardroom scenes ?! ....It's true we're in 'receivership'."

That last "anonymous" was literally from anonymous, which is me."

"Oh my God, we're surrounded by white space!"

Parallel Universe, Five Minutes Before ALL OUT Nuclear War.

[Narrator]
"Thank God this is just a parallel Universe and not our Universe!"

Just our luck the janitor was Chinese... an hour later and I'm hungry again!

I still say we don't resort to cannibalism until we're out of marshallows... or at LEAST we're out of S'mores.

MAD MEN: The Documentary

"Whose desk is this?"

"Hm. You know, in retrospect, I wonder if Frank meant to type 'turn the tables' rather than 'burn the tables'. Especially considering that he has difficulty typing due to his Parkinsonism."

"...and the hitchhiker had a hook for a hand!"

"Hey, this is fun... But when Madge in finance sees that we took the branches from her flower arrangement there will be hell to pay!"

"I wonder why our sprinkler system hasn't stopped the fire."

"Nelson, McCadry... You both know Howard Stern. This was his idea. Now, who brought the Graham Crackers and Chocolate bars?"

"We lukkk like dis because the berson who drewww it has blurd vishin, a burning sensation, coff, heddache. nawsha, short nuzz of breath, rednuzz and pennn in the eyes... It'z fomaldahide poizning from thiz ztoopid desk!"

"Thank you for the demonstration, Jenkins, but I remain unconvinced that 'Roast-Its' are going to return 3M to profitability."

Next I'll show you how to make wine in the executive toilet.

Thanks Susan. We never would've gotten this baby going without your Vagisil.

Since Smith doesn't have a mouth, I call his s'more.

"So um...did it occur to anyone else that after the marshmallows run out we'll have to eat eachother?

It's too bad George spontaniously combusted, he really enjoys s'moors.

" Make a death wish Smithers, then shove your marshmallow up Rodney!s ass. "

We're office workers roasting marshmallows on a burning conference table. How about that.

" Make a death wish Rodney, then shove your marshmallow up Smither's ass! "

"You know, it's funny. When I learned about Hell, I pictured something different."

"So it's settled then: our fireproof furniture isn't really fireproof. Now let's test our foolproof plan."

Brooks Brother's suit; $7500.
D&C eye-glasses; $495.
Owning your own company; priceless.

"Your fired!" he says, "go wait in the green room." Well, Donald motherfucking Trump, who's laughing now?

No, all joking aside, I've had many a less productive board meeting than this.

then I banged her on this very table... of course that's all history now... welcome to the new H.P.

"With Christ as my witness, if one more caption containing a reference to S'MORES is witlessly entered below my feet, I will burst forth from this single panel and do raw, hard damage."

"A motion to spit on the table has been countered to post-pone said motion until we finish our snack. Does the chair hear a second?"

"I actually asked for some more salary, but this is reasonably satisfying."

"Too bad you broke your glasses, Jenkins. But with plastic frames we can repair and refit them over a flame, replace the lenses with heat-tempered ones and you're good to go in less than an hour."

In better times we did this with handfuls of cash.

"Oh fuck, I forgot that I parked in front of a fire hydrant. I'll be right back guys, I don't want to get a ticket."

"Was this really worth getting up from our chairs for?"

"Well Susan, 2Girls1Cup is a video in which two women decide to...you know what, I'll just send you the link; I don't want to ruin your appetite."

"Careful! Don't burn it!"

"Casually feeding marshmallows to this mutant troll is the only way to stop the office rapes. Uh oh, he's unzipping Bob's pants with his tentacle. WE NEED MORE MARSHMALLOWS!"

"It's a shame to put a good spontaneous combustion to waste. I'll miss Pete's smile the most."

"I love a good wiener, er I mean marshmallow."

"I love impulsively roasting marshmallows as much as the next guy, but did we have to kill our boss and set fire to this conference table? Couldn't we have just waited until tonight's annual company marshmallow roast?"

"So Jimmy, where'd you get the white stick or is something else coming from your pants?"

" . . . and there, dangling from the board room door, was a hook!"

"Madge, you may be the only chick on the board, but this is the only way you'll ever be hot."

"I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE, AND I BRING YOU . . . FIRE! [doo dee deeee] I'll take you to burn! [doo dee deeeee] FIRE!"

"And when we're done with this, we can play musical chairs. . . . Well, except for you, Jenkins."

"Since no one else has a mouth, I guess the rest of you can give me your marshmallows to eat. Or maybe you can smear them on each other. But be careful, underlings, lest you find that you have no mouth and you must scream."

"I think that crudely drawn, sideways dog in the lower right-hand corner has passed out from the lacquer fumes."

"Boy, who'd've ever thought 20 years ago that we'd now be arranging every daily activity in order to maximize global warming, huh?"

Fuck guys! China's got us by the balls!

Sorry, marshmallows. You're fired.

This table's a real flamer, eh?

"The time to hesitate is through/No time to wallow in the mire ... then I am afraid I have forgotten what comes next."

Steaks, chops, fish--wood grilling isn’t just limited to marshmallows.”

"I'm never gonna be able to burn this place to the ground with you pussies always hangin' around."

"You know Obama voted to expand the FISA Act, which pretty much means The State can plant a surveillance device up our butts at birth doesn't it? He's got a nice smile though, and, well, he's black."

"The delightful bouquet of burning wood and toasting marshmallows almost masks the tenacious cheap cologne and flatulence cloud surrounding each of us."

Meanwhile ... in a secluded corner of the 109th floor ...

"And so this demonstrates method number three for ways to eliminate the middle man."

" Our 'Godot' is sucking, you idiots ! Miss Flores, my set designer, and I will now demonstrate how we want Act Two's 'marshmallow roast' scene to be represented. ....That's the boy,Nurykovskii ! Yes, the repetitive 1/4 wrist twist. There, that's getting it, Pavlov ! ....'Godot' is in the details."

"See, from left to right we're Larry Silverstein, George Bush and me, Rudolph Giuliani, and this cartoon ironically illustrates paranoid accusations of our incompetence and/or complicity on 9-11. I'm not sure what Carrot Top is doing here though."

No one can tell me I don't work fucking hard! Mouthless people, frizzy-haired art teachers, whatever. And I'm willing to burn a fucking conference room table if I have to.

"Are you sure that the SOX audit requirements state that the board room table perfectly toast marshmallows?"

"Joe, your features are quite striking by firelight."

"We can keep avoiding the subject, but eventually we're going to have to appoint a minority to the board."

"Hey, you guys see that funny headline Men Sentenced for Setting Friend's Crotch Ablaze ?"

"When we told him he was hired for the cartoon he got offended, removed a bomb from his robes and blew himself up."

"Oh well. There was no reason to buy a cake today anyway..."

"You guys are right... We should have burnt these draft cards when we were 18."

"Okay, burning the table in protest was a bad idea. Someone do the right thing and piss out the fire."

I wish you had never told me there were bears in this area. I can't relax.

"Phew! Somebody turn on the AC."

"Ah,the strenuous life ! Completes one, don't you fe.. uh,well, perhaps not. ....Sorry !"

"No good. I still don't feel like I'm camping."

D is for Desk

Kum Bay Yah, My Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Kum Bay Yah, My Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Kum Bay Yah, My Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Oh Lord, Kum Bay Yah

Someone's crying, Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Someone's crying, Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Someone's crying, Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Oh Lord, Kum Bay Yah

Someone's praying, Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Someone's praying, Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Someone's praying, Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Oh Lord, Kum Bay Yah

Someone's singing, Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Someone's singing, Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Someone's singing, Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Oh Lord, Kum Bay Yah

Kum Bay Yah, My Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Kum Bay Yah, My Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Kum Bay Yah, My Lord, Kum Bay Yah
Oh Lord, Kum Bay Yah

Oh Lord, Kum Bay Yah

This happens to the next gay couple that comes here, too. I think they'e almost cooked.

"Honestly, CEO hell is not turning out as bad as I expected."

Stock is sinking, Fed, come bail out
Banks are tanking, Fed, come bail out
Net worth shrinking, Fed, come bail out
Oh Fed, come bail out

"Worst fucking winter solstice EVER!"

"If I wasn't as pissed as Dick Cheney right now I couldn't ask you this, George, but is that hole in your face one big nostril or a tiny mouth? It freaks me the hell out whatever it is."

Yes, you can eat zombie flesh without becoming a zombie. You just have to fully cook it.

How ever did you get Bob into such nice, bite-sized pieces Shelly?

"Just wanted to let you know Jim, your man-flesh is on fire"
"I know."

"I'd love to poke your soft white marshmallow Jill"
"If by soft white marshmallow you mean long firm penis, go right ahead"

Have you ever danced with the devil by the pale desk fire light?

Ok, who shat next to the fire? I said to do it UNDER the desk. Dumbasses.

"Today we're 'channeling' the World Trade Club--W.T.C. #1, 107 floor. Come in World Trade Club!.. Hello ? 107 floor ? ....Anyone ?"

" I smell Kung Pao Scrotum! Bekins! BACK AWAY! "

"After I pitch a tent, Denise, I'll throw my big log into your smoking hot fire pit. Then I'll be docking my canoe, hunting for your beaver, shucking my corn, and performing many other non-sexually-harassing camping tasks."

"Ok you mugs, let's get our stories straight! We're characters in a crudely done woodcut, see? Because the table was disproportionately low, we hadda torch it along with some of these knock-off Aeron chairs. The marshmallows are just to make the whole thing seem natural. Like that would even come up!"

"If anyone asks, let me do the talking.
Oh...sorry. I forgot."

"The suits will be pissed when they find out about this! Ha! Oh, wait. We are the suits!"

"The chemicals from the varnish on the table hurt my eyes and befoul the marshmallows."

"Anybody know any good 'veni vidi marshmallow-o-leevio' jokes?"

"He did say he was going to set the building on fire if they took away his red Swingline stapler."

I kissed a girl, and I liked it.

"Maybe next year we should roast the interns' testicles outdoors."

ROI up 30 basis points and EBIT increased 14% after in-house marshmallow testing program implemented in 2007.

Now take this burnt marshmallow for example. It's black on the outside, white on the inside. So what does that remind you of? Right, an Oreo(tm) cookie.

"There isn't any smoke. Smoking inside a public building is against the law."

"According to Mr. Cheney's protocols, in the event of shredder failure it's documents first followed by self-immolation."

"I'm talking agoraphobia big-time now ! Fuck Dd ! Of all the bare-bone, lazy-ass conceptions ever ! Whatzis ? Frigin' Antarctica ?! ....O.K., look ! Just keep staring at your marshmallow until rescue arrives."

"Yeah, we talking big-time agoraphobia ! Of all the bare-bone, lazy-ass exhibiti... er, expeditions ever ! Whazzis ? Frigin' Antarctica ?! ...O.K., look! We'll just keep staring at these vague, off-brand-quality marshmallows until rescue arrives."

My marshmallow is actually wite-out on a piece of foam. This would explain the bizarre smell.

"We got us some cracker-ass crackers, now where's the chocolate?"

" OK! On the count of three, everyone switch their marshmallow to their penis! "

So, how can the boss be pissed off when he comes back from vacation? The way I see it, we just combined two of his favorite things... working lunches and thinking outside the box.

"Letting Mrs. O'Leary into the office was OK, but that damned cow..."

"I loved Porno for Pyros!"

"That Stay Puft® guy was such an asshole!"

Howard Stern to my left. Rick Moranis to my right. I wonder if I should make a Ghostbusters reference about the marshmallows to Rick. Would that be awkward? I don't think it would be. Would it? I could mention that I'm Canadian...and that I really dug those beer commercials...

Would you say this product passes lensing effect?

Sh'-Sh'-Kava-Boobs are hot stuff.

One minute I'm in my cubicle jerking off to internet porn, the next I am roating marshmellows over a burning conference room table. Can life in Corporate America get ANY better?

We did this the last time that motherfucker Carter told us to turn down the thermostats.

My wife called and asked if I could roast some red peppers before I come home.

"I wish I could see the looks on the Obama transition team's faces when they get here and realize we burned the Cabinet Room table before we left."

"This is the most productive meeting we've ever had! Hahahaha! Oh God, kill me now."

"This seems kind of dangerous. Do we have a fire extinguisher?"

"My stick is more straight than the rest of yours, but I don't feel any happier."

"Lord, we give unto thee our firstborn desk, and the sweetest of our marshmallow crops, and we beseech thee, grant us profits in the fiscal year ahead."

"Now I know you're asking, if this is a corporate retreat, what are we retreating from? Well, the answer was supposed to be 'office furniture'. But we fucked that up."

"Is everyone else imagining his marshmallow as his ex-wife? Well, except you, Susan."

So, Perkins, you say this new invention is called "fire." Have the boys in research been given a whack at it yet?

"Charley, with the vice president (and his secretary) of Wonka Candies are here as witnesses, someday, I, Willy Wonka, swear I will leave this all to you... except, of course, this desk!"

"Wait a minute... this is all wrong! We should roast the marshmellows AFTER we've eaten the hotdogs!"

By the way you're all fired. Sorry.

"Sooo ... This is hell."

"Whoever it is that keeps humming 'Disco Inferno,' knock it off."

(Cover illustration rough for the classic Harlan Ellison story originally titled I HAVE NO MOUTH, AND I MUST CONVENE.)

"Baruch atta Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, ... what's fire in Hebrew?"

"Yes, yes, yes, Carruthers. The marshmallows are gluten-free. How many times do I have to tell you?"

"And then he said if you don't have your sorry asses out of here in thirty minutes, I'm calling the cops."

"And then he said if you don't have your sorry asses out of here in thirty minutes, I'm calling the cops."

"They should have figured we'd go right back to setting things on fire after reentering society."

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