The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #153
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
"Hubba hubba! Maybe a dingo did eat the defendant's baby!" kejo
Finalists
"Does Ms. Brinkley still contend that the money was not well spent?" Richard H
"I don't know about you guys, but my defendant did rise!" Greg
Honorable mention
"I love the smell of tuna in the morning...it smells like victory for the defense!" Gary Goldsmith
"Motion to dis miss! Great! Now motion to dat miss! Perfect! Now you two misses, come with me!" Vance
"Be careful when you approach the bench, 'cause here cum da judge!" LV
"Fine, fine, but don't you agree it would be much better and spatially relevant if one could PhotoCrank without having to scroll down the page." RichM
Comments
Sorry, Mr. Shapiro, but the dancing girls won't sway the case in your favor. I'm a flaming homo!
Posted by: kejo | July 14, 2008 10:05 AM
Ah, geez. Which Rockette is on her period? Her tampon landed square on my desk.
Posted by: kejo | July 14, 2008 10:05 AM
Of course my desk is shiny; it's made of ice! Ah, heck, might as well admit it. The desk is Zan! And yes, I'm Jayna! Well, why not? Technically, a judge is an animal, after all. Sorry to have wasted your time, sucker! Wonder twin powers, de-activate!
Posted by: kejo | July 14, 2008 10:06 AM
"Thank you, jurors. Now go take lunch."
"That was excellent! Now perform 'Counsel is Leading the Witness.'"
Posted by: Deborah | July 14, 2008 10:07 AM
I'm sorry, but the while the law is clear on badgering the witness, it is silent on beavering the witness. Overruled.
Posted by: therblig | July 14, 2008 10:13 AM
"I'm going to grant the defendan't motion for a hey-baby chorus."
Posted by: Richard | July 14, 2008 10:24 AM
Because I am that judge that masturbates under his robes during the trial, THAT'S why.
Posted by: Adam G | July 14, 2008 10:34 AM
Fuck all this. Have you heard about our cover?
Posted by: DonBoy | July 14, 2008 10:35 AM
"Mr. District Attorney, you may have court cases and precedent on your side, but the defense has tits and ass."
"I'm masturbating under the bench."
"I get no kick from cocaine. Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all. But I get a kick out of this."
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 14, 2008 10:36 AM
Well it's a little unorthodox as this trial concerns the death of a salesman, but I'll allow it.
Posted by: therblig | July 14, 2008 10:37 AM
"Are you kidding? You only brought one dancing prostitute to sway my decision? Well, good luck with that, loser."
"You may find it unorthodox, but for me, these talent-show auditions work much better with the trappings of an actual courtfoom. Especially this little hammer."
Posted by: Vance | July 14, 2008 10:43 AM
"Do I hear The Dallas Cowgirls from the defense ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | July 14, 2008 10:43 AM
"Motion to dismiss is granted, on the grounds that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."
Posted by: mypalmike | July 14, 2008 10:44 AM
The bailiffs here are obscene.
Posted by: mypalmike | July 14, 2008 10:48 AM
"Yes, that's a great idea for a cover! It's satirical, provocative, newsworthy, infantile and just flat-out funny! Congratulations, Henson! ...oh, and Jennings, sorry your McCain-slathering-on-makeup-like-a-trollop one lost out. Better luck next time."
Posted by: Vance | July 14, 2008 10:49 AM
No, this is the Rockettes Court, the Supremes Court is 2 doors down. And you call yourself an entertainment lawyer.
Posted by: therblig | July 14, 2008 10:50 AM
"I love the smell of tuna in the morning...it smells like victory for the defense!"
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | July 14, 2008 10:52 AM
Hubba hubba! Maybe a dingo did eat the defendant's baby!
Posted by: kejo | July 14, 2008 10:56 AM
"Your entire case against MILADY'S FRAGRANCES falls apart, Mr. Higginbotham ! Case dismissed !"
Posted by: Sam L. | July 14, 2008 10:58 AM
"I sure hope they kick with the other leg next because I want to see their vaginas."
Posted by: Bill | July 14, 2008 10:58 AM
"Has the defense anything to tup...er, that is, to top this with, Mr. Longstrom ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | July 14, 2008 11:11 AM
"and the kick...
... IS GOOD!!"
Posted by: Brian L | July 14, 2008 11:18 AM
"DA DA DA-DA-DA-smissed!"
Posted by: Damon | July 14, 2008 11:19 AM
"OOGA-chakka, ooga-ooga-OOGA-chakka!"
Posted by: Francis | July 14, 2008 11:22 AM
"The court observer at the back is ambiguous, if not downright obscene, bailiff ! Have him removed !"
Posted by: Sam L. | July 14, 2008 11:28 AM
"Objection sustained."
Posted by: matt | July 14, 2008 11:30 AM
"As usual, whites only in New Yorker cartoon courtrooms. Blacks only on the cover, and only if they're running for president or kissing a Hasid."
Posted by: J.D. | July 14, 2008 11:30 AM
The captions here are obscene.
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | July 14, 2008 11:31 AM
"Larry, we all know the Rockettes are really just a clan of hookers, but you have no evidence to support your case. This court is adjourned."
"More like 'hardening' evidence...Under my robe!"
"Cheer up, grumpy! It's orgy-time. Bailiff! Get me that bag of hashish marked 'Exhibit C' for the defense."
Posted by: MAtt | July 14, 2008 11:33 AM
"I'm sorry, Mr. Levitz, but your argument that New Yorker cartoonists reserve cheap, Vaudevillian-type setups for caption contests - because they feel their audience cannot possibly be as witty as they are (or, as you also suggest, don't wish to be upstaged) - is without merit and, frankly, ludicrous. Do you have one bit of evidence to support such an idea?"
Posted by: Damon | July 14, 2008 11:39 AM
They're good, but The Aristocrats were better. Motion denied.
Posted by: Tom | July 14, 2008 11:45 AM
Well, Mr. Katz, this is a rape trial and your client SHOULD be haunted by the faces of his victims. Please instruct him to look up at their faces. And to stop drooling.
Posted by: therblig | July 14, 2008 11:45 AM
"For reasons obvious to anyone with eyes in his head, the Court awards plaintiff Leo Cullum a full refund for the life drawing classes, the anatomy lessons and the composition workshop, plus court costs and attorney's fees."
Posted by: J.D. | July 14, 2008 11:45 AM
"Oh cheer up, Counselor. If that were my son second from the left I'd be proud of him, or at least try to make him think I was."
Posted by: J.D. | July 14, 2008 11:54 AM
"Personally, speaking for myself, Mr. Goldblum, I prefer homogeneity in my chorus lines. So call me a 'classicist' -- case dismissed !"
Posted by: Sam L. | July 14, 2008 12:00 PM
Excellent, Mr. Phillips. Now what's this I hear about a Chewbacca defense?
Posted by: LK | July 14, 2008 12:03 PM
"I agree. They are a very entertaining team, even if they never make the playoffs...I am therefore dismissing the suit filed on behalf of N.Y. Knick season ticket holders."
Posted by: al in la | July 14, 2008 12:23 PM
I could swear there was a kick line right behind you, Muchowitz, but it's probably a hallucinogenic side effect caused by asphyxiation, what with my chair pressed up so close to the desk and all.
Posted by: Mike | July 14, 2008 12:24 PM
The leotards fit - and so I must acquit!
I have to admit, that's one Hell of a habeas corpus line you got there, Weinberg - Case dismissed!
Posted by: gary | July 14, 2008 12:28 PM
"I love having each of my points punctuated by a line kick from those dancers over there. How can you disagree with that?!?!"
Posted by: Chris | July 14, 2008 12:51 PM
I now pronounce you Man and Wives.
Posted by: DaveB | July 14, 2008 12:57 PM
“Erection sustained. Objection overruled.”
Posted by: dwilk | July 14, 2008 1:05 PM
"Win some, lose some, Mr.Bugliosi ! Looks like your little 'prosecution of George W. Bush for murder' never stood a chance ! ....This is America."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | July 14, 2008 1:17 PM
I'll tell you, things have gotten a lot more exciting ever since the University of Phoenix opened a law school.
Posted by: LK | July 14, 2008 1:18 PM
Your eyes look like tits.
Posted by: CG | July 14, 2008 1:19 PM
Um...Which one is your wife?
Posted by: CG | July 14, 2008 1:21 PM
"Booyeah, bitches!"
Posted by: John | July 14, 2008 1:25 PM
"Johnson v. Hustler Enetrprises established that an advertisemnet being featured in a pornographic magazine for a "blow-up doll" carried no implied functionality of said doll. Further, the addition of descriptive modifiers such as "life-like" did not create any presumption that said doll would possess anal, oral or vaginal orifices providing or promising sexual stimulation or gratification, nor would the term "fully-functioning" imply sexual function over any other functions which may or may not be expected of such dolls. Therefore, your motion for summary judgement on the basis that your client purchased these "Fully-functioning, life-like, blow-up Rockettes" with the expectation that they would be suitable for sex and not just mimic a kicking motion, is denied. Baliff, remove the exhibits, 5, 6, 7, 8 to my chambers for further examination.
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 14, 2008 1:29 PM
"Motion to dis miss! Great! Now motion to dat miss! Perfect! Now you two misses, come with me!"
Posted by: Vance | July 14, 2008 1:30 PM
Baliff, remove the exhibits, 5, 6, 7, 8 to my chambers for further examination.
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 14, 2008 1:30 PM
Well, I'm the Judge and I think that a death penalty case CAN be fun!
Posted by: therblig | July 14, 2008 1:45 PM
"Goes with the territory, attorney. Charge of 'rocketteering' preposterous. .... Clemens vs. Clemens dismissed !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | July 14, 2008 1:49 PM
{New and improved} :"Goes with the territory, counsel. Grounds of 'rocketteering' preposterous !....Clemens vs Clemens dismissed !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | July 14, 2008 2:01 PM
"And he has a better tie."
Posted by: jim M | July 14, 2008 2:10 PM
Here's the deal: If you can sodomise all of these women to climax in under an hour, you win the case. Otherwise, the Council for the Defence gets to have his turn with you. On your marks, get set, GO!
Posted by: Douglas Harrison | July 14, 2008 2:20 PM
This is Rhode Island, counselor, so I’ll allow it.”
Posted by: dwilk | July 14, 2008 2:22 PM
Yes counsel, the horizontal striped tie does make you fat.
Posted by: firebus | July 14, 2008 2:33 PM
"Yeah ?! Well, we weren't going to repeat that 'Star Jones fiasco', let me tell you !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | July 14, 2008 2:45 PM
Counselor, there's no excuse for your unpreparedness. If you had bothered to read my website before coming in this morning, you would have already known my fondness for 80's ties and cameltoes.
Posted by: TMo | July 14, 2008 2:52 PM
Please have that end witness stand on her bible so I can swear them in.
Posted by: therblig | July 14, 2008 3:00 PM
"Well I had to do something. That glut of child molester cases on the docket was turning this place into a gloom factory."
Posted by: David John | July 14, 2008 3:24 PM
"Decorum in the courtroom, please ! Counsel, remove the near dancer's leg from your shoulder....and wipe that ambiguous smile from your face !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | July 14, 2008 3:29 PM
"Lighten up. The Verdictettes always seem less appropriate on days a murderer goes free."
Posted by: David John | July 14, 2008 3:44 PM
"Cruel and bhah blah unusual blah punishment ? You bet, Harper ! Bigamy is a most serious offense in my jurisdiction. Bailiff, we'll go another quarter hour before I sentence."
Posted by: Von Go | July 14, 2008 3:51 PM
"Verdict in your favor must have needed 'celestial intervention', counsel ! We don't see that EVERY week....now let your adversary celebrate his triumph."
Posted by: Von Go | July 14, 2008 4:16 PM
Of course it's a show trial. Besides, they're cheaper than kangaroos.
Posted by: therblig | July 14, 2008 4:41 PM
"I don't think this is a courtroom, because I'm not wearing a robe, and I'm pretty sure this isn't a committee hearing or a city council meeting or anything like that, because I'm the only one at the front of the room. I'm afraid I can't determine whether the dancers are appropriate or not until I determine what the hell is going on here."
Posted by: John Tabin | July 14, 2008 4:43 PM
"Now that's what I call a line-up! You win,Cullum ! Get over it,'Dd' !"
Posted by: Von Go | July 14, 2008 4:47 PM
"DOCKET, you idiot, not Rockettes!"
Posted by: Dave | July 14, 2008 5:25 PM
"'Send in the Clones' -- my favorite song!"
Posted by: Dave | July 14, 2008 5:31 PM
"You know what else? I'm sitting on four lunch slices of Colby cheese and have been since recess! Hahahaha, case dismissed!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | July 14, 2008 5:45 PM
"You fool! It's a corndog, not a microphone. Court finds for the defense."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | July 14, 2008 5:48 PM
Odor in the court! Odor in the court! In the case of Doe v. Massengill, let the record show a finding of guilty -- guilty of failing to cover up rank pussy stench!
Posted by: kejo | July 14, 2008 5:51 PM
"Objection sustained: this testimony has clearly been rehearsed."
Posted by: Richard H | July 14, 2008 6:31 PM
"I have to concur with the defense. It's hard to call ticket prices 'criminal' when presented with talent like that."
Posted by: Richard H | July 14, 2008 6:31 PM
"Mr. Cravath, if your client does not wish to participate in the dance-off, then we'll move straight to pre-trial motions."
Posted by: Richard H | July 14, 2008 6:33 PM
"Does Ms. Brinkley still contend that the money was not well spent?'
Posted by: Richard H | July 14, 2008 6:34 PM
"Sorry, but his case has more `legs' than yours! Dismissed!"
>
"Hello everyone. I'm Bob Vheener; I play the judge in Leo Cullum's cartoons. We've had a lot of fun here today, but I'd like to take a second to tell you about courtroom behavior. It's not a place for lightheartedness or comedy. In fact, did you know that courtrooms are oftentimes some of the most somber places on earth when a trial is in session? It's true; there's frequently tearful testimony involved, raw emotions, and a jury that's tasked to make a critical decision which will impact multiple lives. To learn more about trials, and the judicial system in general, consult your local library, ask a teacher, or a trusted adult. See you next time."
Posted by: Damon | July 14, 2008 6:36 PM
"Mr. Swayne, you have to accept that this is a musical courtroom, not a goddam circus!"
Posted by: Richard H | July 14, 2008 6:37 PM
"George 'Kingfish' Stevens-- spitting image ! ..Who says 'whites only in New Yorker cartoon courtrooms' ?! Welcome, my boy, welcome! .....The League of Women Voters ?"
Posted by: Von Go | July 14, 2008 6:55 PM
Justice Antonin Scalia, the early years:
"The court is unmoved by your iron clad case build on legal precedent, fairness and logic. If rich people do it, it's legal. Maybe next time you'll bring some dancing girls of your own."
Posted by: al in la | July 14, 2008 6:55 PM
"You, the guy on my left, get to have sex with all these women. You, the guy on my right, don't."
Posted by: Dave W | July 14, 2008 7:20 PM
Improvement: "George 'Kingfish' Stevens- spitting image ! Who says 'whites only in New Yorker cartoon courtrooms' ?! Welcome, my boy, welcome ! ....The League of Women Quotas ?"
Posted by: Von Go | July 14, 2008 7:29 PM
"The jury is hereby instructed to tip their servers."
Posted by: mypalmike | July 14, 2008 7:30 PM
You were right. It's impossible to adapt 12 Angry Men as a musical. That's a wrap, people!
Posted by: Urgh | July 14, 2008 8:07 PM
"A blatant appeal to what..? Go ahead, you can say it counselor!
Nyahh, I didn't think so, you button down Ivy leauge crumb bum. Now get the hell out of my courtroom.
And do it in high kicking style!"
Posted by: Mort Drucker | July 14, 2008 8:14 PM
"I plead for the fifth!"
Posted by: jason | July 14, 2008 8:21 PM
"Recuse this, asshole."
Posted by: Mort Drucker | July 14, 2008 8:29 PM
"I don't know about you guys, but my defendant did rise!"
Posted by: Greg | July 14, 2008 8:31 PM
"The sixth one is under my desk right now."
Posted by: Mort Drucker | July 14, 2008 8:34 PM
"Thank you, Counselor, for putting the bono in pro bono publico."
Posted by: J.D. | July 14, 2008 8:36 PM
"If it makes you feel any better, I'm wearing a thong right now."
Posted by: Mort Drucker | July 14, 2008 8:43 PM
"I said, 'Up the ante,' not 'Up wi' the panties'!"
"Your Honour, opposing counsel's case is as scanty as his witnesses' clothing!" - "Do shut up; it's certainly more compelling than yours."
"Your Honour, this is a brazen burlesque of the legal process!"
"I'm sorry, Your Honour, but my witnesses can only communicate via the cancan." - "That's blatantly untrue, Your Honour!" - "Yes, well, this kind of blatancy I'll allow."
Posted by: Thide | July 14, 2008 8:45 PM
"The relevé-grand battement 's here are by Folkine."
Posted by: J.D. | July 14, 2008 8:59 PM
"Well, District Attorney Gigante and Counselor Maximus, I have to say those are two of the most amusing novelty condoms I have ever seen in my courtroom."
Posted by: J.D. | July 14, 2008 9:17 PM
"Guilty. NEXT!"
Posted by: Harry | July 14, 2008 9:46 PM
"Who are you calling a Lithuanian?"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | July 14, 2008 10:45 PM
"You'll notice that my robe forms, when viewed from a skewed angle, the apparent profile of the Lakota holy man Black Elk. So, case dismissed."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | July 14, 2008 10:48 PM
"Wait till you see what Clarence leaves on his Coke can when we send this to the supreme court!"
Posted by: Glime | July 14, 2008 10:53 PM
"C'mon, say Your Honor again. You're On Her. Oh, God, I'm hilarious."
Posted by: Louis | July 14, 2008 11:08 PM
"Now, remember. When the judge comes back in we all jump up and yell 'Surprise!'"
Posted by: znufrii | July 14, 2008 11:11 PM
MADAME LIBERTE: "Oh, who shall prevent zees low fiend from having 'ees 'orrid way wiz me? I fear I am undone!"
KAISER WILHELM: "Who indeed? Not your cringing cur of an English Friend, yah? Otto, seize her athwart the lower limbs!"
BISMARK: "Yah, dis I vill do, und roughly!"
BRITISH BULLDOG: "But for my wounds or I'd teach the meaning of the word 'roughly' to you blokes."
UNCLE SAM: "Rest easy there, Johnny England. I'm fresh as a daisy and raring to swing the twin fists of Freedom and Justice!"
PRESIDENT WILSON: (standing on America, just offshore of France) "So it begins. He'll be home for Johnnycakes and coffee by Christmas."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | July 14, 2008 11:19 PM
"Sorry, prosecutor, but your wiretaps were illegal. These five whores who look eerily similar and like to dance are free to go."
Posted by: David John | July 15, 2008 3:58 AM
"Sinfully guilty is not a crime in my court counsel."
Posted by: dwilk | July 15, 2008 7:21 AM
"Yeah, you heard me right. I said 'courtfoom.'"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | July 15, 2008 7:47 AM
"The space between the last two shoes on the right may be illogically foreshortened. But its immaterial."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | July 15, 2008 7:55 AM
"I'll see your bid of 10 years for your client and raise him 20."
Posted by: Glenn | July 15, 2008 9:08 AM
In any Highlights "find the two exactly the same" game, there must be two that are exactly the same. Misrepresentation or "trick questions" undermine the trust and faith that our children have in adults and lead to juvenile delinquency, depression and social unrest. No two of these dancers here are exactly alike and I therefore, Mr. Goofus, find for the plaintiff, Mr Gallant, and the entire class in this action.
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 15, 2008 9:21 AM
"This situation is not as amusing as oppising council seems to think, Mr. Oldweather. However, in the judgement of this court, it is also not as grim as you seem to think. Case closed."
"Why don't you go have a nice cry, dickless?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | July 15, 2008 10:23 AM
"Did you know that the dancers in the original Parisian kick lines wore long skirts and slips, but no panties? The original flashdancers! But I like this too."
Posted by: jim M | July 15, 2008 10:46 AM
"I find in favor of Radio City Music Hall. Sir, your cheap attempt to become a Rockette by invoking Title VI is denied."
Posted by: jim M | July 15, 2008 11:00 AM
I take it you plead "no low cunt tender", eh?
Posted by: therblig | July 15, 2008 12:38 PM
"Your motion is denied, Fuckface McDouche."
Posted by: Damon | July 15, 2008 12:45 PM
"Please go back and tell the bailiff's twin to take his hand out of his lap."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | July 15, 2008 3:04 PM
Perfect! There are five of us and five of them. Baliff, lock the door! And for anyone who even thinks of going to the ethics committee on this one, just remember: justice is blind.
Posted by: Anonymous | July 15, 2008 3:08 PM
Oh good, the entertainment has arrived to send your client off to death row. Ready now! "One, singular sensation . . . every little step he takes . . . "
Posted by: Stoo | July 15, 2008 3:19 PM
"Counsellor, there's no infringement. You are free to promote The Dionne Quintuplets-o-Mania
."Posted by: Tim H | July 15, 2008 3:30 PM
"Well, move the plaintiff's table and they can dance on your side too."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | July 15, 2008 3:34 PM
"I don't know where you're going to find seven more, but it will make a hell of a jury!"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | July 15, 2008 3:37 PM
Given that I have no legs, of course you're right Mr. Crumley, the prosecution may have done this to mock me. But as far as mocking goes, I much prefer leggy models to taunts of "All rise" from the bailiff. Motion denied! Dance away ladies!
Posted by: Stoo | July 15, 2008 3:45 PM
"I knew after a few years in Gitmo they'd change their tune."
Posted by: al in la | July 15, 2008 5:10 PM
"What do you mean. you didn't know? In my courtroom, Tuesdays have always been Chorus-Girls-Will-Come-in-and-Fuck-Any-Guy-Present-Who-Is-Wearing-Either-Glasses-or-Triangles-on-His-Tie Day! I mean, everybody else knew. "
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | July 15, 2008 5:33 PM
Sure you can sue in federal court, but can you can can?
Posted by: Weller | July 15, 2008 5:38 PM
"Let me see if I get this straight, counsel ! You have allowed some cockeyed, totally hairbrained 'outside sources'--yeah, totally anonymous sources, don't you know !-- to somehow persuade you to the view I'm this 'easy dismisser' ready to spring at any jackass excuse, or technicality, to dismiss, adjourn..whatever ?! Frigin' 'outside sources' ! O.K, go back to your tables...wait, prosecuting attorney hasn't a table ?! Bailiff, what the hell is this--New Orleans ?! Some frigin' boondocks night court ?! Chris'sake !"
Posted by: Sam L. | July 15, 2008 6:18 PM
"Fine, fine, but don't you agree it would be much better and spatially relevant if one could PhotoCrank without having to scroll down the page."
Posted by: RichM | July 15, 2008 7:36 PM
Your class action lawsuit claiming ineffective treatment of vaginitis, just isn't passing the sniff test, if you know what I mean.
Posted by: boneguy | July 16, 2008 12:20 AM
Where are my judical robes you ask? At the dry cleaners of course, being purged of semen stains.
Posted by: boneguy | July 16, 2008 12:22 AM
These Russian show trials have sure taken a turn for the better.
Posted by: boneguy | July 16, 2008 12:27 AM
Counsel, why do you have an "L" on your jacket?
Posted by: Pseudonym | July 16, 2008 1:33 AM
"Thank you for agreeing to have your case tried
in the Caberet Courtroom...
(dadoom... dadoom... dadoom...)
Poetry in motions is what you'll find inside
the Ca-aberet Courtroom...
(dadoom...5... 6... 7...) Take it, bailiff!"
Posted by: Vance | July 16, 2008 1:40 AM
Yes, I'd say our three neckties are the most visually striking things in the courtroom, and that's sad, isn't it?
Objection? No, I have no objection.
Now that's a court recess!
Oh, Mr. Pouty-Face.
Yes, it is sad that our only guest in the gallery today is gay.
Posted by: marleyman | July 16, 2008 2:10 AM
"Because your client kidnapped six showgirls, and then forced them to play Russian roulette in his basement. That's why bail is denied, you silly goose."
Posted by: David John | July 16, 2008 5:18 AM
Bugliosi, you crazy bastard! How is this related this to prosecution for murder!?
Posted by: stcoleridge | July 16, 2008 11:56 AM
"And your client, the defendant, is the distributor of this, 'Five Girls, One Cup' video?"
Posted by: mypalmike | July 16, 2008 12:42 PM
"Clearly Dr. Jensen's other patients have no similar issue with their breast enhancements 'drooping like soggy loafs of French bread,' as you stated in your complaint. But let's call a few more witnesses just to be sure."
Posted by: al in la | July 16, 2008 1:01 PM
EUNUCH!! It's patently clear that my client is a eunuch and could never be guilty of rape. I move for dismissal!
Posted by: Fred M | July 16, 2008 1:44 PM
no, its because your bald and that reminds me of my own inadequate hair piece.
Posted by: Homie | July 16, 2008 1:54 PM
"SHOW YOUR TITS! I mean you, counselor."
Posted by: Jacob C | July 16, 2008 2:14 PM
It's your fault, counselor. You should never ask a question that you don't know the answer to, and you didn't ask if they wanted to dance with you.
Posted by: Charles | July 16, 2008 2:36 PM
"Yeah ?! Well, in my view the alito ..er, that is, the elites of this world for far too long have served as 'wet blankets', as it were, upon the original spirit of the law....to which these dancing girls,admittedly, might be considered a stretch--but what the hey! Objection overruled ! ...You go, girls !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | July 16, 2008 2:36 PM
"Quite understandable, counsel ! And my explanation is that this is a way I very often choose to celebrate whenever rulings in my favor come down from upstairs--in this case, that despite any and all 'outside claims' to the contrary, it is, indeed, an 'entirely proper judicial robe' I drape my authority with this morning ! Dooley, my law clerk, will be returning the young ladies to their night jobs momentarily. ....Please have a seat."
Posted by: Von Go | July 16, 2008 3:24 PM
"No, it's a really bad representation. In a real court, the judge wears a black robe. And they don't use pencils. And the dancing girls are usually sexy."
Posted by: WillM | July 16, 2008 6:04 PM
You know the old saying, Mr. Spitzer, a man who represents himself has a fool for a client. I must say though, your taste in whores isn't as bed as initial press reports led me to suspect.
Posted by: j fyrste | July 16, 2008 7:11 PM
"Before your quibble with my taste in 'dancing girls', 'counsel', I will only say that numerous 'outside sources', for what they may be worth, have commented in glow... er, knowing terms, as to their 'sexual effectiveness'. ...The gray robe ? Sorry about that ! The wife overbleached !"
Posted by: Von Go | July 16, 2008 7:11 PM
"Erection sustained."
Posted by: Dave | July 16, 2008 9:12 PM
"The court rules that
www.highkickingtrannies.com is not in violation of rocketeering. Yes, that is my verdict. And it is surely just."
Posted by: Mort Drucker | July 16, 2008 9:27 PM
"Wipe that frown off your face- you know you can't compete with quintuplet hookers."
Posted by: Mike F.S. | July 16, 2008 9:58 PM
"I will allow it! And don't call me Shirley!"
Posted by: mypalmike | July 16, 2008 11:26 PM
Now that the defence attorney had broken out the dancing girls, Steve knew his only option was to make crap in his pants.
Posted by: Rhys | July 17, 2008 8:51 AM
"The court will take a 30-minute recess. Three chorus girls will come with me, two with Mr. Sullivan, and none with Mr. Shapiro."
Posted by: Joshua | July 17, 2008 1:34 PM
This is making my hemorrhoids flare up, but I mean that in a GOOD way.
Posted by: T.A. | July 17, 2008 1:59 PM
"Just because I ruled against you, Mr. Smith, does not mean that we should not still have compassion for the dancing Siamese quintuplets."
Posted by: Dave | July 17, 2008 3:13 PM
"Next time, Mr. Smith, you might want to reconsider your attempt at a cunning array of stunts and try your colleague's approach instead."
Posted by: Dave | July 17, 2008 3:18 PM
"Better than a hung jury!"
Posted by: Dave | July 17, 2008 3:34 PM
"You badgered the witness, but he's beavering the judge."
Posted by: jim M | July 17, 2008 4:46 PM
"Be careful when you approach the bench, 'cause here cum da judge!"
Posted by: LV | July 17, 2008 6:25 PM
"Lemme guess--'The Aristocrats'?"
Posted by: Dex | July 18, 2008 12:21 AM
My gavel brings all the girls to the yard and they're like "It's better than yours!" Wooo--eeeeee. More ketamine please.
Fuck my mother! I. Still. Want.To. Die. Alone.
Posted by: inky tea | July 18, 2008 4:42 AM
"I got the idea from The Fallout episode, you know, the final one, of The Prisoner where Number 6, you know, Patrick McGoohan, is on trial and it ends up that Number 6 is really Number 1 - Oh, shit, I think I just spoiled it for you. Watch it, anyway, really!
Posted by: NJtoTX | July 18, 2008 8:30 AM
"Don't look so glum--next week we'll bring in male strippers. That should turn your frown upside-down! Or something to that effect."
Posted by: David F | July 18, 2008 11:14 AM
Well look at that! One of those dancers kicked Johnson right through his head! Haha, ouch! That'll leave a mark!
Posted by: Trotman | July 18, 2008 12:10 PM
The jury finds you guilty of three counts of rape. Nevermind the dancers.
Posted by: Trotman | July 18, 2008 12:11 PM
"Why don't the dancers have teeth? How the hell should I know? I just pay them to strip, I'm not their fucking dentist."
Posted by: Trotman | July 18, 2008 12:15 PM
"I'm pretty sure the one in the middle is an Asian"
Posted by: Trotman | July 18, 2008 12:18 PM
"Why are you mad at me? Its not my fault you only have four fingers."
Posted by: Trotman | July 18, 2008 12:20 PM
"The best dad-blamed voir dire in fifteen years on the bench!"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | July 18, 2008 1:02 PM
"I love zany tie gang bang Fridays. Did you not get the memo Fred?"
Posted by: Mo Buck | July 18, 2008 4:06 PM
"This is an open and shut and open and shut case."
Posted by: Mo Buck | July 18, 2008 4:16 PM
"I know your client is disappointed, Sid, but polygamy divorce cases are never easy."
Posted by: al in al | July 18, 2008 5:19 PM
"Justice may be blind, Counselor, but I know a 'great snatch' when I see one."
Posted by: BAP | July 19, 2008 1:58 PM
"So I'm guessing you weren't likin' it."
Posted by: Deborah | July 20, 2008 12:17 PM
"Hey, I know: it hurts when you come to the realization that you're not Johnnie Cochran."
Posted by: Mike F. | July 20, 2008 1:34 PM
"Overruled, you'll perform "A Chorus Line" with Johnson as part of his closing argument."
Posted by: reid savid | July 20, 2008 1:35 PM
"Let's face it, council: you're short, you're bald, and you just lost your case to a shyster with a chorus line of an argument. But there's always Bennigan's.
Posted by: Mike F. | July 20, 2008 1:36 PM
Well, at least my DESK has a boner.
Posted by: ben c | July 20, 2008 6:21 PM
"Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, ho ho ho. What do you mean, you don't 'get' the satire?"
Posted by: David F | July 20, 2008 11:05 PM
"Hey, I know what's obscene when I see it. And I sure hope I see it. Lots and lots of it!"
Posted by: David F | July 20, 2008 11:07 PM
"Motion to quash the jury panel is granted--if we can watch."
Posted by: JH, SA | July 20, 2008 11:54 PM
"Hmmmmmm. Poontang?"
Posted by: Dinkle | July 20, 2008 11:57 PM
"I'm sorry, but the law clearly states that to be the recipient of a legacy, you must be a legatee. Do you think you are the legatee in this courtroom?"
Posted by: Richard | July 21, 2008 12:38 AM
"This must be an old cartoon because that's television's Richard Deacon sitting in the back, and he's been dead since 1984. Openly gay you know."
Posted by: J.D. | July 21, 2008 7:11 AM
Excellent point counsel. Well Done! It is never an inappropriate time to line up chorus girls doing high kicks with no panties. I mean evertyhing just somes so petty when compared to a symmetrical display of shorn vajajay!
Posted by: Anonymous | August 26, 2008 3:59 PM
Excellent point counsel. Well Done! It is never an inappropriate time to line up chorus girls doing high kicks with no panties. I mean evertyhing just somes so petty when compared to a symmetrical display of shorn vajajay!
Posted by: Horus | August 26, 2008 3:59 PM