July 14, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #153

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"Hubba hubba! Maybe a dingo did eat the defendant's baby!" —kejo

"Does Ms. Brinkley still contend that the money was not well spent?" —Richard H

"I don't know about you guys, but my defendant did rise!" —Greg

Honorable mention
"I love the smell of tuna in the morning...it smells like victory for the defense!" —Gary Goldsmith

"Motion to dis miss! Great! Now motion to dat miss! Perfect! Now you two misses, come with me!" —Vance

"Be careful when you approach the bench, 'cause here cum da judge!" —LV

"Fine, fine, but don't you agree it would be much better and spatially relevant if one could PhotoCrank without having to scroll down the page." —RichM

Posted by Daniel Radosh


Sorry, Mr. Shapiro, but the dancing girls won't sway the case in your favor. I'm a flaming homo!

Ah, geez. Which Rockette is on her period? Her tampon landed square on my desk.

Of course my desk is shiny; it's made of ice! Ah, heck, might as well admit it. The desk is Zan! And yes, I'm Jayna! Well, why not? Technically, a judge is an animal, after all. Sorry to have wasted your time, sucker! Wonder twin powers, de-activate!

"Thank you, jurors. Now go take lunch."

"That was excellent! Now perform 'Counsel is Leading the Witness.'"

I'm sorry, but the while the law is clear on badgering the witness, it is silent on beavering the witness. Overruled.

"I'm going to grant the defendan't motion for a hey-baby chorus."

Because I am that judge that masturbates under his robes during the trial, THAT'S why.

Fuck all this. Have you heard about our cover?

"Mr. District Attorney, you may have court cases and precedent on your side, but the defense has tits and ass."

"I'm masturbating under the bench."

"I get no kick from cocaine. Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all. But I get a kick out of this."

Well it's a little unorthodox as this trial concerns the death of a salesman, but I'll allow it.

"Are you kidding? You only brought one dancing prostitute to sway my decision? Well, good luck with that, loser."

"You may find it unorthodox, but for me, these talent-show auditions work much better with the trappings of an actual courtfoom. Especially this little hammer."

"Do I hear The Dallas Cowgirls from the defense ?"

"Motion to dismiss is granted, on the grounds that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

The bailiffs here are obscene.

"Yes, that's a great idea for a cover! It's satirical, provocative, newsworthy, infantile and just flat-out funny! Congratulations, Henson! ...oh, and Jennings, sorry your McCain-slathering-on-makeup-like-a-trollop one lost out. Better luck next time."

No, this is the Rockettes Court, the Supremes Court is 2 doors down. And you call yourself an entertainment lawyer.

"I love the smell of tuna in the morning...it smells like victory for the defense!"

Hubba hubba! Maybe a dingo did eat the defendant's baby!

"Your entire case against MILADY'S FRAGRANCES falls apart, Mr. Higginbotham ! Case dismissed !"

"I sure hope they kick with the other leg next because I want to see their vaginas."

"Has the defense anything to tup...er, that is, to top this with, Mr. Longstrom ?"

"and the kick...

... IS GOOD!!"

"DA DA DA-DA-DA-smissed!"

"OOGA-chakka, ooga-ooga-OOGA-chakka!"

"The court observer at the back is ambiguous, if not downright obscene, bailiff ! Have him removed !"

"Objection sustained."

"As usual, whites only in New Yorker cartoon courtrooms. Blacks only on the cover, and only if they're running for president or kissing a Hasid."

The captions here are obscene.

"Larry, we all know the Rockettes are really just a clan of hookers, but you have no evidence to support your case. This court is adjourned."

"More like 'hardening' evidence...Under my robe!"

"Cheer up, grumpy! It's orgy-time. Bailiff! Get me that bag of hashish marked 'Exhibit C' for the defense."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Levitz, but your argument that New Yorker cartoonists reserve cheap, Vaudevillian-type setups for caption contests - because they feel their audience cannot possibly be as witty as they are (or, as you also suggest, don't wish to be upstaged) - is without merit and, frankly, ludicrous. Do you have one bit of evidence to support such an idea?"

They're good, but The Aristocrats were better. Motion denied.

Well, Mr. Katz, this is a rape trial and your client SHOULD be haunted by the faces of his victims. Please instruct him to look up at their faces. And to stop drooling.

"For reasons obvious to anyone with eyes in his head, the Court awards plaintiff Leo Cullum a full refund for the life drawing classes, the anatomy lessons and the composition workshop, plus court costs and attorney's fees."

"Oh cheer up, Counselor. If that were my son second from the left I'd be proud of him, or at least try to make him think I was."

"Personally, speaking for myself, Mr. Goldblum, I prefer homogeneity in my chorus lines. So call me a 'classicist' -- case dismissed !"

Excellent, Mr. Phillips. Now what's this I hear about a Chewbacca defense?

"I agree. They are a very entertaining team, even if they never make the playoffs...I am therefore dismissing the suit filed on behalf of N.Y. Knick season ticket holders."

I could swear there was a kick line right behind you, Muchowitz, but it's probably a hallucinogenic side effect caused by asphyxiation, what with my chair pressed up so close to the desk and all.

The leotards fit - and so I must acquit!

I have to admit, that's one Hell of a habeas corpus line you got there, Weinberg - Case dismissed!

"I love having each of my points punctuated by a line kick from those dancers over there. How can you disagree with that?!?!"

I now pronounce you Man and Wives.

“Erection sustained. Objection overruled.”

"Win some, lose some, Mr.Bugliosi ! Looks like your little 'prosecution of George W. Bush for murder' never stood a chance ! ....This is America."

I'll tell you, things have gotten a lot more exciting ever since the University of Phoenix opened a law school.

Your eyes look like tits.

Um...Which one is your wife?

"Booyeah, bitches!"

"Johnson v. Hustler Enetrprises established that an advertisemnet being featured in a pornographic magazine for a "blow-up doll" carried no implied functionality of said doll. Further, the addition of descriptive modifiers such as "life-like" did not create any presumption that said doll would possess anal, oral or vaginal orifices providing or promising sexual stimulation or gratification, nor would the term "fully-functioning" imply sexual function over any other functions which may or may not be expected of such dolls. Therefore, your motion for summary judgement on the basis that your client purchased these "Fully-functioning, life-like, blow-up Rockettes" with the expectation that they would be suitable for sex and not just mimic a kicking motion, is denied. Baliff, remove the exhibits, 5, 6, 7, 8 to my chambers for further examination.

"Motion to dis miss! Great! Now motion to dat miss! Perfect! Now you two misses, come with me!"

Baliff, remove the exhibits, 5, 6, 7, 8 to my chambers for further examination.

Well, I'm the Judge and I think that a death penalty case CAN be fun!

"Goes with the territory, attorney. Charge of 'rocketteering' preposterous. .... Clemens vs. Clemens dismissed !"

{New and improved} :"Goes with the territory, counsel. Grounds of 'rocketteering' preposterous !....Clemens vs Clemens dismissed !"

"And he has a better tie."

Here's the deal: If you can sodomise all of these women to climax in under an hour, you win the case. Otherwise, the Council for the Defence gets to have his turn with you. On your marks, get set, GO!

This is Rhode Island, counselor, so I’ll allow it.”

Yes counsel, the horizontal striped tie does make you fat.

"Yeah ?! Well, we weren't going to repeat that 'Star Jones fiasco', let me tell you !"

Counselor, there's no excuse for your unpreparedness. If you had bothered to read my website before coming in this morning, you would have already known my fondness for 80's ties and cameltoes.

Please have that end witness stand on her bible so I can swear them in.

"Well I had to do something. That glut of child molester cases on the docket was turning this place into a gloom factory."

"Decorum in the courtroom, please ! Counsel, remove the near dancer's leg from your shoulder....and wipe that ambiguous smile from your face !"

"Lighten up. The Verdictettes always seem less appropriate on days a murderer goes free."

"Cruel and bhah blah unusual blah punishment ? You bet, Harper ! Bigamy is a most serious offense in my jurisdiction. Bailiff, we'll go another quarter hour before I sentence."

"Verdict in your favor must have needed 'celestial intervention', counsel ! We don't see that EVERY week....now let your adversary celebrate his triumph."

Of course it's a show trial. Besides, they're cheaper than kangaroos.

"I don't think this is a courtroom, because I'm not wearing a robe, and I'm pretty sure this isn't a committee hearing or a city council meeting or anything like that, because I'm the only one at the front of the room. I'm afraid I can't determine whether the dancers are appropriate or not until I determine what the hell is going on here."

"Now that's what I call a line-up! You win,Cullum ! Get over it,'Dd' !"

"DOCKET, you idiot, not Rockettes!"

"'Send in the Clones' -- my favorite song!"

"You know what else? I'm sitting on four lunch slices of Colby cheese and have been since recess! Hahahaha, case dismissed!"

"You fool! It's a corndog, not a microphone. Court finds for the defense."

Odor in the court! Odor in the court! In the case of Doe v. Massengill, let the record show a finding of guilty -- guilty of failing to cover up rank pussy stench!

"Objection sustained: this testimony has clearly been rehearsed."

"I have to concur with the defense. It's hard to call ticket prices 'criminal' when presented with talent like that."

"Mr. Cravath, if your client does not wish to participate in the dance-off, then we'll move straight to pre-trial motions."

"Does Ms. Brinkley still contend that the money was not well spent?'

"Sorry, but his case has more `legs' than yours! Dismissed!"


"Hello everyone. I'm Bob Vheener; I play the judge in Leo Cullum's cartoons. We've had a lot of fun here today, but I'd like to take a second to tell you about courtroom behavior. It's not a place for lightheartedness or comedy. In fact, did you know that courtrooms are oftentimes some of the most somber places on earth when a trial is in session? It's true; there's frequently tearful testimony involved, raw emotions, and a jury that's tasked to make a critical decision which will impact multiple lives. To learn more about trials, and the judicial system in general, consult your local library, ask a teacher, or a trusted adult. See you next time."

"Mr. Swayne, you have to accept that this is a musical courtroom, not a goddam circus!"

"George 'Kingfish' Stevens-- spitting image ! ..Who says 'whites only in New Yorker cartoon courtrooms' ?! Welcome, my boy, welcome! .....The League of Women Voters ?"

Justice Antonin Scalia, the early years:
"The court is unmoved by your iron clad case build on legal precedent, fairness and logic. If rich people do it, it's legal. Maybe next time you'll bring some dancing girls of your own."

"You, the guy on my left, get to have sex with all these women. You, the guy on my right, don't."

Improvement: "George 'Kingfish' Stevens- spitting image ! Who says 'whites only in New Yorker cartoon courtrooms' ?! Welcome, my boy, welcome ! ....The League of Women Quotas ?"

"The jury is hereby instructed to tip their servers."

You were right. It's impossible to adapt 12 Angry Men as a musical. That's a wrap, people!

"A blatant appeal to what..? Go ahead, you can say it counselor!
Nyahh, I didn't think so, you button down Ivy leauge crumb bum. Now get the hell out of my courtroom.
And do it in high kicking style!"

"I plead for the fifth!"

"Recuse this, asshole."

"I don't know about you guys, but my defendant did rise!"

"The sixth one is under my desk right now."

"Thank you, Counselor, for putting the bono in pro bono publico."

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm wearing a thong right now."

"I said, 'Up the ante,' not 'Up wi' the panties'!"

"Your Honour, opposing counsel's case is as scanty as his witnesses' clothing!" - "Do shut up; it's certainly more compelling than yours."

"Your Honour, this is a brazen burlesque of the legal process!"

"I'm sorry, Your Honour, but my witnesses can only communicate via the cancan." - "That's blatantly untrue, Your Honour!" - "Yes, well, this kind of blatancy I'll allow."

"The relevé-grand battement 's here are by Folkine."

"Well, District Attorney Gigante and Counselor Maximus, I have to say those are two of the most amusing novelty condoms I have ever seen in my courtroom."

"Guilty. NEXT!"

"Who are you calling a Lithuanian?"

"You'll notice that my robe forms, when viewed from a skewed angle, the apparent profile of the Lakota holy man Black Elk. So, case dismissed."

"Wait till you see what Clarence leaves on his Coke can when we send this to the supreme court!"

"C'mon, say Your Honor again. You're On Her. Oh, God, I'm hilarious."

"Now, remember. When the judge comes back in we all jump up and yell 'Surprise!'"

MADAME LIBERTE: "Oh, who shall prevent zees low fiend from having 'ees 'orrid way wiz me? I fear I am undone!"
KAISER WILHELM: "Who indeed? Not your cringing cur of an English Friend, yah? Otto, seize her athwart the lower limbs!"
BISMARK: "Yah, dis I vill do, und roughly!"
BRITISH BULLDOG: "But for my wounds or I'd teach the meaning of the word 'roughly' to you blokes."
UNCLE SAM: "Rest easy there, Johnny England. I'm fresh as a daisy and raring to swing the twin fists of Freedom and Justice!"
PRESIDENT WILSON: (standing on America, just offshore of France) "So it begins. He'll be home for Johnnycakes and coffee by Christmas."

"Sorry, prosecutor, but your wiretaps were illegal. These five whores who look eerily similar and like to dance are free to go."

"Sinfully guilty is not a crime in my court counsel."

"Yeah, you heard me right. I said 'courtfoom.'"

"The space between the last two shoes on the right may be illogically foreshortened. But its immaterial."

"I'll see your bid of 10 years for your client and raise him 20."

In any Highlights "find the two exactly the same" game, there must be two that are exactly the same. Misrepresentation or "trick questions" undermine the trust and faith that our children have in adults and lead to juvenile delinquency, depression and social unrest. No two of these dancers here are exactly alike and I therefore, Mr. Goofus, find for the plaintiff, Mr Gallant, and the entire class in this action.

"This situation is not as amusing as oppising council seems to think, Mr. Oldweather. However, in the judgement of this court, it is also not as grim as you seem to think. Case closed."

"Why don't you go have a nice cry, dickless?"

"Did you know that the dancers in the original Parisian kick lines wore long skirts and slips, but no panties? The original flashdancers! But I like this too."

"I find in favor of Radio City Music Hall. Sir, your cheap attempt to become a Rockette by invoking Title VI is denied."

I take it you plead "no low cunt tender", eh?

"Your motion is denied, Fuckface McDouche."

"Please go back and tell the bailiff's twin to take his hand out of his lap."

Perfect! There are five of us and five of them. Baliff, lock the door! And for anyone who even thinks of going to the ethics committee on this one, just remember: justice is blind.

Oh good, the entertainment has arrived to send your client off to death row. Ready now! "One, singular sensation . . . every little step he takes . . . "

"Counsellor, there's no infringement. You are free to promote The Dionne Quintuplets-o-Mania


"Well, move the plaintiff's table and they can dance on your side too."

"I don't know where you're going to find seven more, but it will make a hell of a jury!"

Given that I have no legs, of course you're right Mr. Crumley, the prosecution may have done this to mock me. But as far as mocking goes, I much prefer leggy models to taunts of "All rise" from the bailiff. Motion denied! Dance away ladies!

"I knew after a few years in Gitmo they'd change their tune."

"What do you mean. you didn't know? In my courtroom, Tuesdays have always been Chorus-Girls-Will-Come-in-and-Fuck-Any-Guy-Present-Who-Is-Wearing-Either-Glasses-or-Triangles-on-His-Tie Day! I mean, everybody else knew. "

Sure you can sue in federal court, but can you can can?

"Let me see if I get this straight, counsel ! You have allowed some cockeyed, totally hairbrained 'outside sources'--yeah, totally anonymous sources, don't you know !-- to somehow persuade you to the view I'm this 'easy dismisser' ready to spring at any jackass excuse, or technicality, to dismiss, adjourn..whatever ?! Frigin' 'outside sources' ! O.K, go back to your tables...wait, prosecuting attorney hasn't a table ?! Bailiff, what the hell is this--New Orleans ?! Some frigin' boondocks night court ?! Chris'sake !"

"Fine, fine, but don't you agree it would be much better and spatially relevant if one could PhotoCrank without having to scroll down the page."

Your class action lawsuit claiming ineffective treatment of vaginitis, just isn't passing the sniff test, if you know what I mean.

Where are my judical robes you ask? At the dry cleaners of course, being purged of semen stains.

These Russian show trials have sure taken a turn for the better.

Counsel, why do you have an "L" on your jacket?

"Thank you for agreeing to have your case tried
in the Caberet Courtroom...
(dadoom... dadoom... dadoom...)
Poetry in motions is what you'll find inside
the Ca-aberet Courtroom...
(dadoom...5... 6... 7...) Take it, bailiff!"

Yes, I'd say our three neckties are the most visually striking things in the courtroom, and that's sad, isn't it?

Objection? No, I have no objection.

Now that's a court recess!

Oh, Mr. Pouty-Face.

Yes, it is sad that our only guest in the gallery today is gay.

"Because your client kidnapped six showgirls, and then forced them to play Russian roulette in his basement. That's why bail is denied, you silly goose."

Bugliosi, you crazy bastard! How is this related this to prosecution for murder!?

"And your client, the defendant, is the distributor of this, 'Five Girls, One Cup' video?"

"Clearly Dr. Jensen's other patients have no similar issue with their breast enhancements 'drooping like soggy loafs of French bread,' as you stated in your complaint. But let's call a few more witnesses just to be sure."

EUNUCH!! It's patently clear that my client is a eunuch and could never be guilty of rape. I move for dismissal!

no, its because your bald and that reminds me of my own inadequate hair piece.

"SHOW YOUR TITS! I mean you, counselor."

It's your fault, counselor. You should never ask a question that you don't know the answer to, and you didn't ask if they wanted to dance with you.

"Yeah ?! Well, in my view the alito ..er, that is, the elites of this world for far too long have served as 'wet blankets', as it were, upon the original spirit of the law....to which these dancing girls,admittedly, might be considered a stretch--but what the hey! Objection overruled ! ...You go, girls !"

"Quite understandable, counsel ! And my explanation is that this is a way I very often choose to celebrate whenever rulings in my favor come down from upstairs--in this case, that despite any and all 'outside claims' to the contrary, it is, indeed, an 'entirely proper judicial robe' I drape my authority with this morning ! Dooley, my law clerk, will be returning the young ladies to their night jobs momentarily. ....Please have a seat."

"No, it's a really bad representation. In a real court, the judge wears a black robe. And they don't use pencils. And the dancing girls are usually sexy."

You know the old saying, Mr. Spitzer, a man who represents himself has a fool for a client. I must say though, your taste in whores isn't as bed as initial press reports led me to suspect.

"Before your quibble with my taste in 'dancing girls', 'counsel', I will only say that numerous 'outside sources', for what they may be worth, have commented in glow... er, knowing terms, as to their 'sexual effectiveness'. ...The gray robe ? Sorry about that ! The wife overbleached !"

"Erection sustained."

"The court rules that
www.highkickingtrannies.com is not in violation of rocketeering. Yes, that is my verdict. And it is surely just."

"Wipe that frown off your face- you know you can't compete with quintuplet hookers."

"I will allow it! And don't call me Shirley!"

Now that the defence attorney had broken out the dancing girls, Steve knew his only option was to make crap in his pants.

"The court will take a 30-minute recess. Three chorus girls will come with me, two with Mr. Sullivan, and none with Mr. Shapiro."

This is making my hemorrhoids flare up, but I mean that in a GOOD way.

"Just because I ruled against you, Mr. Smith, does not mean that we should not still have compassion for the dancing Siamese quintuplets."

"Next time, Mr. Smith, you might want to reconsider your attempt at a cunning array of stunts and try your colleague's approach instead."

"Better than a hung jury!"

"You badgered the witness, but he's beavering the judge."

"Be careful when you approach the bench, 'cause here cum da judge!"

"Lemme guess--'The Aristocrats'?"

My gavel brings all the girls to the yard and they're like "It's better than yours!" Wooo--eeeeee. More ketamine please.

Fuck my mother! I. Still. Want.To. Die. Alone.

"I got the idea from The Fallout episode, you know, the final one, of The Prisoner where Number 6, you know, Patrick McGoohan, is on trial and it ends up that Number 6 is really Number 1 - Oh, shit, I think I just spoiled it for you. Watch it, anyway, really!

"Don't look so glum--next week we'll bring in male strippers. That should turn your frown upside-down! Or something to that effect."

Well look at that! One of those dancers kicked Johnson right through his head! Haha, ouch! That'll leave a mark!

The jury finds you guilty of three counts of rape. Nevermind the dancers.

"Why don't the dancers have teeth? How the hell should I know? I just pay them to strip, I'm not their fucking dentist."

"I'm pretty sure the one in the middle is an Asian"

"Why are you mad at me? Its not my fault you only have four fingers."

"The best dad-blamed voir dire in fifteen years on the bench!"

"I love zany tie gang bang Fridays. Did you not get the memo Fred?"

"This is an open and shut and open and shut case."

"I know your client is disappointed, Sid, but polygamy divorce cases are never easy."

"Justice may be blind, Counselor, but I know a 'great snatch' when I see one."

"So I'm guessing you weren't likin' it."

"Hey, I know: it hurts when you come to the realization that you're not Johnnie Cochran."

"Overruled, you'll perform "A Chorus Line" with Johnson as part of his closing argument."

"Let's face it, council: you're short, you're bald, and you just lost your case to a shyster with a chorus line of an argument. But there's always Bennigan's.

Well, at least my DESK has a boner.

"Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, ho ho ho. What do you mean, you don't 'get' the satire?"

"Hey, I know what's obscene when I see it. And I sure hope I see it. Lots and lots of it!"

"Motion to quash the jury panel is granted--if we can watch."

"Hmmmmmm. Poontang?"

"I'm sorry, but the law clearly states that to be the recipient of a legacy, you must be a legatee. Do you think you are the legatee in this courtroom?"

"This must be an old cartoon because that's television's Richard Deacon sitting in the back, and he's been dead since 1984. Openly gay you know."

Excellent point counsel. Well Done! It is never an inappropriate time to line up chorus girls doing high kicks with no panties. I mean evertyhing just somes so petty when compared to a symmetrical display of shorn vajajay!

Excellent point counsel. Well Done! It is never an inappropriate time to line up chorus girls doing high kicks with no panties. I mean evertyhing just somes so petty when compared to a symmetrical display of shorn vajajay!

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